Dear readers,

Hello everyone, I'm back! So, I made it through the exams pretty well, I think (fingers crossed, but the fact that there was only really one exam where I wanted to bang my head against the desk and go "why would you ask us that?! WHY?!" gives me some hope!) which means I'm back to updating and writing, but I can only promise inconsistency on how often that will be because there's still a lot of work that needs to be done, unfortunately. I should have the next chapter out relatively soon because I'm about halfway through writing it. I want to thank all of you who are reading this for your continued support, especially those of you that have favorited, alerted or reviewed - it really helps keep me motivated, particularly if I hit a bad bit of writers block. If anyone's still got exams, I wish you continued luck to get through them!

Enjoy,
Sopphires.


"He who sings scares away his woes." ― Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra


Summer after high school when we first met

We'd make out in your Mustang to Radiohead

And on my 18th Birthday

We got matching tattoos

Kurt swallowed, clenching his hands into fists and tensing up his whole body, as Blaine began to sing the Katy Perry song. He had his stage smile on, though it wasn't very big and didn't make it anywhere near his eyes, and he was moving around a little on the spot at the front of the Warblers, but Kurt could tell he was just as uncomfortable as he was – why was he doing this?

Used to steal your parents' liquor

And climb to the roof

Talk about our future

Like we had a clue

Never planned that one day

I'd be losing you

Blaine was side-stepping in front of the Warblers, and Kurt felt an incredible desire to throw up because this was practically the same as Teenage Dream, and how could Blaine do this? It was disgusting! Kurt didn't know whether to cry, throw up or fly into a rage because how could Blaine do this to him? He was up there singing and sounding like he deeply regretted his decision to let Kurt go, even though he had made that decision – so he had made that plan to lose Kurt – and gotten over it so easily whilst Kurt was left struggling to trust anyone or be capable of entering another relationship, whilst all the while shoving back in Kurt's face the very thing that had made him fall in love with him!

In another life

I would be your girl

We'd keep all our promises

Be us against the world

Kurt could feel his chest begin to tighten, which didn't really help his feeling nausea at all, as Blaine began to properly come alive before him – he was moving with genuine energy; that little spring in his step when he performed beginning to show, and his face melting from its show mask into human emotion. That was the problem: emotion, he looked the very picture of regret. Why?

In another life

I would make you stay

So I don't have to say

You were the one that got away

The one that got away…

The smile was completely gone from his face as he continued to make his way through the chorus, and Kurt felt his dad's hand descend onto his shoulder, asking Kurt to look at him, and Kurt sighed and then obeyed. He turned his face and looked his dad right in his concerned eye, letting him see all his hurt and turmoil and sadness because he trusted his dad, and this what he wanted, and this was what Blaine's obvious regret and longing had done to him. His dad gave him a look of sympathy and then a quick hug before Kurt, perhaps somewhat masochistically, stopped fighting his compulsion to not look at Blaine and turned back to the stage.

Sometimes when I miss you

I put those records on

Kurt clenched his jaw in anger at Blaine because the Warbler's voice rang of nothing but honesty – which was ironic given all Blaine's dishonesty – because Blaine had no right to feel that and claim that he had done that given that Blaine had broken up with him, leaving Kurt all alone to listen to Teenage Dream on loop, trying not to let Blaine's most recent rendition taint the original memory.

Someone said you had your tattoo removed

Saw you downtown singing the Blues

It's time to face the music

I'm no longer your muse…

Kurt swallowed, trying to force the image of Blaine singing at the wedding. The way that he had been so upset, but then Sebastian had arrived on stage with his excessively loud guitar, and suddenly the world was full of sunshine and rainbows, and Blaine was singing with an embarrassed expression that turned flirtatious. He'd duetted with him just like he was once would Kurt; Kurt wasn't necessary to inspire love in Blaine that could be transformed into beautiful song – he had Sebastian. Suddenly, a thought that he'd had all those months ago on the day that Thad had attempted suicide came back to him –

… "Where he needed someone to love him… Kurt wasn't sure, but he knew he had the Warblers to do the platonic side of that, and, maybe just maybe, he had Sebastian to do that as well."…

– and now he knew that he was right: Blaine had loved from Sebastian. He had that, which was far more than what Kurt had. Kurt knew that Adam liked him: Adam found him attractive and funny; he thought he was clever and talented, but liking wasn't love. It could become that, but it wasn't there yet. So what the hell was Blaine singing about?

All this money can't buy me a time machine

Can't replace you with a million rings

The harmonies from the Warblers were getting louder as the song began to reach towards its climax, and Kurt swallowed and desperately wished that he could be numb again like when he was too tired and had suffered too much, because that would make this a lot easier, but trying to feel nothing never worked when he wanted it to – Kurt had to listen to Blaine's regret, and he had to feel his own and remember: he could have made it different.

I should've told you what you meant to me

'Cause now I pay the price

Kurt felt his eyes widen and body tense up because, just like the song, Blaine's pain and longing regret was reach its peak in his voice, and Kurt was frozen by the sheer intensity of it in his voice because he could feel his own regret rising up inside of him, pouring through him like an ocean and drowning him in sorrow. Oh, how things might have been different if Kurt had just been more attentive…

In another life

I would be your girl

We'd keep all our promises

Be us against the world

Blaine's eyes met his, and the whole world seemed to still. It was as if the volume dial had been violently turned down so that the harmonies were like a whisper with only Blaine's voice remaining. Kurt could only stare at horror into Blaine's eyes and knew all the emotions that he saw brimming in them: Blaine was hating and blaming himself, feeling sick, almost crying, regretting his actions, saying sorry… And the absolute worst part was that he was making Kurt feel them all whilst simultaneously picking him up and smashing him to pieces.

In another life

I would make you stay

So I don't have to say

You were the one that got away

The one that got away…

If Kurt had felt like he was drowning before, he was mistaken: now, he was completely overwhelmed by his emotions so that it felt like water was pouring down his throat and drowning him, because the Warblers were singing again, and Blaine was dancing (well, side-stepping) again and making this like a performance, even though he was still staring at him, and Kurt couldn't take it. He leapt to his feet, hand over his mouth as the tears began to fill his eyes, and moved past Burt and Carole, shaking his head to stop his dad from getting to his feet, and dashed behind the nearest stalls, burying his head in his hands and beginning to sob because he was so confused and emotional. He just let it all out, ignoring the footsteps that were coming towards him, but looked up when the hand descended onto his shoulder and saw Finn in front of him with a sympathetic smile on his face.

The one that got away

Kurt turned around and walked towards the edge of the stall, just to see what Blaine was like, and saw what he simultaneously did and did not want to see – Blaine was bowing and smiling and hugging the other Warblers as if it was just another performance. Blaine didn't care, it was all an act – lie, went the smart part of his brain, you know that was real – because nothing else fitted the song, and that made it both easier for Kurt to endure because he could hate Blaine, and harder for him to bare because Blaine didn't care.

"Kurt," said Finn in a soft voice as Kurt turned around and tried to find a glare for his brother. "oh, Kurt, I'm so sorry." Kurt shook his head again, storming past him so that he couldn't see the stage, only the backs of the stalls and allowing anger to fill him up because there was no place to pain when he was consumed by rage.

"How could you let him sing that?" he demanded incredulously, whirling back around and finding that glare now, and Finn held his hands up in surrender with wide eyes and an apologetic expression.

"I'm sorry," he apologised again. "I'm really sorry. We just- we-" but Kurt didn't really care about his apology: Finn was in charge, and he had known that Kurt was going to come, and so how could have let Blaine sing Katy Perry let alone that song?!

"How could you let him sing Katy Perry?!" he demanded, hearing his voice jump higher in his distress and anger. "And how could you let him get up there and make me feel that?! I thought you cared about me, but you turn around and let him do that to me?!" He could feel the tears streaming down his face as he yelled, and he felt so angry that he just wanted to punch Finn and kick the stalls and destroy them because he was so hurt.

He couldn't make another sound immediately after that because Finn's hands had roughly grabbed his shoulders and pulled him against his chest, squashing his face against him and hugging him so tightly that he could barely breathe. He tried to scream a second later, just because he didn't quite know what else to do, and then he grabbed onto Finn in return, holding him tight and allowing himself the chance to cry it out a little bit more. Finn's grip on him loosened up considerably, allowing Kurt to breathe, but his strong embrace comforted him.

"I'm so sorry," whispered Finn, eventually, and Kurt sniffed and stepped back, wiping his eyes and feeling his cheeks heat up in embarrassment at how completely he had come to pieces.

"Me too," he muttered. "I can't believe I just crumbled like that." He braced his head in his hands, and Finn put a hand on his shoulder, comfortingly.

"It's okay, it's not your fault, and it's natural. You've been through so much – you're still going through it, basically – and that song…" he trailed off, and Kurt looked back up at him, giving him a smile of thanks for the fact that he hadn't gone on with that sentence.

"You've learnt tact," he commented, dryly, and Finn grinned.

"Yeah, maybe… Do you want me to get Burt?" he asked, and Kurt shook his head.

"No. I don't want him to get angry and stuff; I'll talk to him later. I just- Finn, why?" Finn sighed heavily, and Kurt felt his heart soften at how put upon Finn looked with his pale complexion and the shadows under his eyes.

"It wasn't his idea," he stated, firstly, and Kurt felt his eyebrows arch at that, disbelievingly. "No, seriously," said Finn with an expression that became very intense for a second before softening. "it wasn't his idea; he was not in favour of this, neither was the council, or the older New Directions, but…" Finn shrugged. "Another Warbler suggested Blaine do a Katy Perry song, and all the non-Seniors in both our choirs were in favour of it, but…it just kinda snowballed, and Blaine didn't say no… He just kind of stood there in silence with this startled expression on his face, and we kinda fucked up, I guess, 'cause we – like, me and the council – were waiting for Blaine to say what he wanted, but he didn't say it. He just sort of went along with it, and we let him. He vetoed a couple of songs – Teenage Dream, Last Friday Night, Thinking of You – and I think he just said yes because he wanted to get it over and done with. To be honest, I'm not even sure that he really clocked that you would be there. I mean, he knew it was after the wedding, but…" Finn shrugged, screwing up his face. "I dunno…I just got the impression that it never occurred to him when he thought about stuff…I'm sorry."

Kurt breathed out when Finn stopped talking, rubbing his temples and trying to think at least a little rationally. If Finn was to be believed – and Kurt was in the habit of believing his step-brother – then Blaine hadn't wanted to sing that song, and he hadn't meant to hurt Kurt. Finn had tried to make it seem like this was all just some sort of giant mistake, but Kurt wasn't buying that. The suggestion of a random Warbler made sense because everyone knew about Blaine's Katy Perry obsession, and there was even some sense to the silence of the Senior McKinley and Dalton students, even the council who were technically in charge, because they wanted Blaine to make his own decision on this. However, both Finn and Blaine's behaviour did not make sense. Yes, Finn had also decided that he wanted to let Blaine choose, but if Blaine had overlooked Kurt's presence than Finn should have pointed it out to him. As for Blaine himself…well, if he hadn't wanted to do it, he could easily have said no, and there were so many other Katy Perry songs he could have picked, and he should have known that Kurt would be there. Blaine had been thoughtless. He'd been thoughtless because he hadn't cared.

"It's okay," murmured Kurt under his breath, taking a step back and rubbing his eyes, and Finn frowned at him in concerned confusion, and Kurt gave him a little smile that said he meant it. "I mean, I'm still mad at you, don't get me wrong, but I'm most angry at Blaine – he's at fault."

"But-" began Finn, and Kurt held up a hand to silence him, also combining it with a glare that no one dared to challenged, except for maybe Santana, but she was an exception. His anger seemed to have refined and purified itself into more justified hate because it was Blaine that had done this, and he deserved to have done to him what he had done to Kurt.

"No, I don't care what you said – he didn't think about me, and he was selfish, and he hurt me more than I could have imagined it was possible to do again, especially with that song." Finn sighed.

"Is there anything I can do?" Kurt gave his brother a smile at that, having hoped Finn would ask that.

"Yes, yes there is." Finn's eyebrows arched, questioningly. "Can you get me on that stage?"


"Okay," said Finn, walking towards him from backstage with Blaine, Sebastian, David and Thad in tow. "you're up next." Kurt swallowed, shooting his step-brother a smile that garnered him a tight one in response, and then looked around at the new New Directions that surrounded him and were all looking excited at the prospect. When Finn had walked him over, they'd been quick to hug him, and apologise in some cases for not stepping in, and had been quietly enthusiastic about the idea of him performing whilst Finn had looked at the running order and then walked off in order to find David. The Warblers that were present, though, had kept their distance.

"Do you need anything?" asked the aforementioned Warbler, striding towards him, and Kurt frowned a little bit. "Accompaniment wise, I mean. Do you want a vocal backing, or instrumental, or should we just find the backing track online, or do you want to do it completely solo? It's completely up to you." Kurt mulled it over for a second before picking the most logical answer.

"Backing track online," he said. "I think it's safest given this is out of the blue." David nodded.

"I'll run over and tell Billy," offered Nick, and David nodded once more, and Kurt shot the dark haired boy a smile that was returned before he turned around and dashed off.

It was technically impossible for an awkward silence to fall on them at that point because there was a group of Warblers that Kurt didn't know on stage singing, but that was definitely what it felt like as they all stood there, Kurt doing his very best not to fall to temptation and look at Blaine. When he'd arrived back, Kurt had managed to only glance at him and notice that he looked pale, but now the desire was growing in him to cast his gaze over to look at the lead. He couldn't though. He didn't want to see anything that might change his mind. Blaine had definitely been reaching out to him; indicating that he wanted to talk, but Kurt had decided, after that song, that he didn't want that at all. He needed to slam the doors shut even more than he had, and this seemed like a good way to do it. Blaine could stupid, but even he couldn't miss this message.

"Okay," said Finn as the Warblers came to an end and were being applauded, and Nick came back, nodding to let them know it was on. "just let me go up and tell everyone what's happening." Kurt nodded and walked over towards the stage as the Warblers were congratulated. "So, um," said Finn to the crowd, once more bending to talk into the microphone. "now we have a special guest performance. Err, as you know, all the performers have been students at McKinley or Dalton, but now we have an ex-McKinley student, who is actually at NYADA, which is the New York Academy of Dramatic Arts, and was an integral manner of our Nationals winning New Directions. So, without further delay, Kurt Hummel!" Finn held out his arm, and Kurt broke into a smile as he jogged onto the stage, shooting Finn a little bit of an amused smile at his words. Finn shrugged and raised the microphone a little bit so that it would be better for his height and then walked off the stage, leaving Kurt alone to stare out at the sea of people. He took a deep breath to compose himself, and then the intro music started.

Every night I remember that evening

The way you looked when you said you were leaving

The way you cried as you turned to walk away

Kurt looked towards Blaine as he began to sing, forcing him to remember that night in the park. How there had been tears in Blaine's eyes as he explained what had happened and then let Kurt go. How he had broken down hysterically and then walked away with Wes' arm around his shoulder, flanked by Sebastian and David, and left Kurt behind in McKinley confused beyond doubt, hurt and alone.

The cruel words and the false accusations

The mean looks and the same old frustrations

Kurt knew that it was petty to seek revenge on Blaine, whose eyes were already filled with tears, but he was just so angry, and he knew they'd had the same fight before – in Blaine's front room where they stood screaming at each other, and then at the wedding reception where they'd been more restrained – but Kurt refused to lose.

I never thought that we'd throw it all away

But we threw it all away

After all, he was in the right. Blaine had thrown away their relationship: all their kisses, hugs, duets, by choice. He knew that there were tears in eyes now too, and he was feeling overwhelmed all over again by the regret, but it was so much better to be the one in control.

And I'm a little bit lost without you

And I'm a bloody big mess inside

And I'm a little bit lost without you

The confession felt a little bit good because this was like Happy Ending, but this time he actually had Blaine in front of him so that he could spell it out for him in nice big letters. This time he could tell Blaine that when he'd lost him, Kurt had been left drifting around on his own, filled with so many different emotions, with nowhere to go, and no one to turn to.

This ain't a love song, this is goodbye

This ain't a love song, this is goodbye

Kurt shook his head to emphasise the lyrics, staring straight into Blaine's eyes with a steely expression, managing to get rid of the wetness in his eyes, because this was about a clean break and closing the door forever.

I've been lost, I've been out, I've been losing

I've been tired, I'm all hurt and confusion

Kurt looked at the audience, allowing himself to fall completely into memories of Adam; of however many times, whether it be in a coffee shop, a corridor or on the stage where the Adam's Apples practised, Kurt had confessed his feelings as to how the Blaine incident had messed him up in same way.

I've been mad, I'm the kind of man that I'm not

Even his explosion at Adam in the practice room had been because of Blaine; because he was so tired of people shutting him out and not trusting him, even though he didn't want to be the person that just yelled because they were hurt, and Adam was traumatised.

And though I'm down, I'll be coming back fighting

I may be scared and a little bit frightened

But I'll be back, I'll be coming back to life

I'll be coming back to life…

He actually found himself smiling a little bit as he remembered his performance at the Winter Showcase: how he'd been so down and beaten after he'd failed at getting in again, how afraid he'd been about baring his feelings to the audience, but he'd done. He'd fought his way back, and he'd managed to break through all of that and actually managed to come out of that not just triumphant, but expressing happiness and joy – breaking through the apathy that Blaine had trapped him in and reminding himself of other feelings.

Kurt glanced over at Blaine as he continued to sing, and he saw that Blaine's expression was one of sad resignation. Sebastian had both his hands on Blaine's shoulders, holding him close, whilst Thad had a hand on Blaine's upper arm. That sight made him mildly happy – it looked like Blaine had gotten the message. That was surprisingly quick for him, and that made Kurt feel a lot calmer.

And you can try

And you can try but you'll never keep me down

After all, Blaine was just another hardship that life threw at him, but Kurt was strong enough to not let all the times Blaine had lied to, or misdirected, him get the better of him. He had his dad to cheer him up and comfort him with his warm hugs, and Finn to make silly but funny comments, and Rachel and Santana to sit on the sofa and giggle with.

And you can try

And you can try but you'll never keep me down

Not to mention Adam, who made him giggle hysterically at times, and who sang and danced with him, and who complimented and comforted him with his charming smile on his face, and who, when Kurt hugged after Emergency, Kurt now trusted once more to look out for him and be honest, as much as he could, with him. He would make Kurt happy.

La la la la, la la la la la

I won't be lost, I won't be down

This was the one thing that Kurt refused to do: Kurt refused to let this situation break him once more. He knew how easy it was to be lost and down, but no more. No more. He wouldn't because there was no need – Mr Schue was smiling up at him, as if to back up his point: terrible things may occur, but you couldn't let them block out all of the good things that did too. That had to be the message of this visit: cry one day, or even one minute, but don't let that stop you from laughing the next. Stand up, be brave and refuse.

This ain't a love song this is goodbye

And this was the right thing to be resolute on because he was standing up for himself and doing what was right for him. He had to have no regrets, and he didn't. He didn't

It's alright

'Cause you can try but you'll never keep me down

It's alright

I may be lost but you'll never keep me down…

He didn't have to have regrets because he had so much to look forward to because, despite the fact that Adam's Apple was a show choir and show choir reminded him of Blaine because that was how they met, the Adam's Apples were so much fun – they were goofy, and they performed well but for fun, and they were friendly, and they could find themselves in hysterics so easily, hanging onto each other as they all laughed at some disastrous dance move or a completely miss-hit note. There was no austere judgement for mistakes: just laughter and friendly encouragement to nudge them onto the right path – what could be better than that? The New Directions were his family, and he loved them with all his heart, and the Apples weren't a replacement of that, but they were a nice…filler of the hole they had left in his heart because they were all the fun and love without the serious drama, or any drama at all because it was all left at the door.

You can try

You can try but you'll never keep me down

You can try

I know I'm lost but I'm waiting to be found

He could remember the Adam's Apples session after he'd discovered that Blaine was a finalist: how he'd been fighting to not let the potential arrival of Blaine get him down, and for some reason walking into a show choir rehearsal made him nervous because would Blaine join if he came? He loved show choir. Then they'd burst into song, and Adam had come running down the aisle and grabbed his hands, pulling him onto the stage, twirling him around and hugging him tightly, telling him that this was them, just them.

You'll never keep me down

You'll never keep me down

Never keep me down

Kurt looked at the crowd and saw Mr Schue's face upturned in a real smile, Dave had a knowing grin and his friends kept looking between each other with mild pride at that. He could see his dad's strong look, and Finn's relieved expression. He finally looked back Blaine, who had put an arm around Thad, and Kurt found himself mildly annoyed that the message had affected him more than Blaine, but then shook it away – Blaine had gotten the message, and it was cruel to want him to as much of a mess as Kurt.

Kurt took a step away from the microphone as he exhaled, face flushing heavily and feeling his head spin a little bit as he began to come down from the adrenaline high, and as the tiredness from the late night and not much food kicked back in. He took a bow before the standing ovation, and then another one as they continued to applause and people sat down. Finn came running up onto the stage, clapping loudly, and gave him a brief, strong hug.

"You were amazing," he said, patting Kurt on the shoulders, and Kurt just smiled gratefully at his brother because he felt a lot better, and he didn't even need to say how much what Finn had done meant to him because his brother already knew that. "Everyone, our wonderful guest star, Kurt Hummel!" The audience applauded one more time, and Kurt gave the crowd a final wave before he hurried off stage. The New Directions were there to hug him once more, or at least slap him on the back, but Kurt didn't stay long, giving the Warblers nods and smiles that were returned with at least polite ones (he discounted the glare from Sebastian), and made his way back behind the stage towards his seat because now that he'd done what he wanted, he didn't want to steal the show or distract from the main performances.

Carole beamed at him, squeezing his hand, as he edged past her towards his seat, but his dad waited until he was sat down to give him a quick hug of congratulations, patting him on the back. Kurt smiled back at him, telling him that he was okay now, and was then given a half-hug from Dave, who was grinning at him. Then, as a group of Warblers and New Directions (who seemed to be predominantly of the younger years of them) formed on the stage, Dave's friends leant around him, giving Kurt high-fives, some of which he had to stand up a little and strain to receive, and Kurt smiled even wider at the gesture – Dave's friends seemed to just be genuinely nice people through and through.

The intro harmonies started once more, and Kurt settled back into his seat, feeling a lot better about watching the rest of this concert – there couldn't be that much more left, or so he reckoned – now that he'd ridded himself of all those complicated emotions. That song had been a definite purge of his systems, and he really hoped that that would be the end of it; that they would all be gone, and that they never came back. He wasn't overly confident about that, but even if they did come back, he knew what to do – wash it out once more with a song: lay down all the foundations and start rebuilding again. It might be hard and arduous, but it was best for him, and he would do it. He could do it.