Chapter 56 It's Bad Enough Without Clawing Off Your Nose

A/N: Thanks, and congratulations to my wonderful beta, MaraudersWolf, for becoming PI accredited. It just proves what I've known all along—that she's awesome! ;)

A/N2: Throwing in a language warning on this one. Not too bad, but I wouldn't talk like this in front of my mom. ;)


The following days were long and difficult. After admitting the truth to Lily and finding acceptance, Remus wanted desperately to stop all the lies. Of course, he knew that was a fantasy, and no matter how badly he wanted to be honest and open, he seemed to find another need to be evasive at every turn.

There were frequent inquiries into the ongoing tensions between the Marauders. Remus knew that he should try to hide his feelings in public, but he was still so angry with Sirius. Even though covering things up normally came easily to him, he simply didn't feel like pretending everything was fine. Unfortunately, this did invite questions from many.

"It's personal," he'd answer, making it clear the topic was off limits.

And now, there were, of course, questions about Lindi. Was it true they'd broken up? What had happened? Had she dumped him—because he'd have to be an idiot to have dumped her? (With which, under any other circumstances, he would have fully agreed.) Had it been due to what they'd made her do for his birthday? Because she hadn't seemed that upset….

And on and on, forcing him to think about it, as if it were possible that he'd be able to not think about it.

"Yes, we broke up," he'd answer. "It's personal and I'd rather not talk about it, thanks."

But he thought about it constantly.

Even without the questions, there was always something to remind him. There was the door to the broom cupboard, where they'd talked and she'd been so nervous she'd fallen over the bucket; the house hourglasses that had shattered in the duel when Avery had been so rude to her; the library…he'd never be able to sit in there again without all the memories…

And of course, there was Lindi, herself. The first time he saw her following the breakup was torture. When their eyes met across the aisle of Potions class, hers immediately grew red and watery around the rims. Her jaw started to quiver, but she clenched it so tightly that he thought he could hear her teeth grind. Try as she did, she couldn't stop the tears welling up and she sat hiding behind her book or bent low over her cauldron through the rest of the class. She might have been able to hide the tears, but she could not hide the quiet sniffles.

At one point, she left for the bathroom under the pretense that her eyes had been irritated by fumes from the potion she was brewing, but no one was convinced. Each set of eyes that followed her out the door turned to rest on Remus, watching for his reaction, which he hoped remained neutral. It was difficult though, when the likes of Severus Snape and Evan Rosier gave him such cruel, satisfied sneers.

However, he tried to ignore them, and Remus didn't really hear a thing Professor Slughorn taught. He was too focused on practicing his Occlumency, so that he wouldn't start blubbering in class.

He worried that his grades would suffer, but as the days wore on, he found that he had become proficient enough in Occlumency to actually compartmentalize his thoughts. He didn't have to empty his mind completely and think of nothing, but instead, he could focus his thoughts on other things to keep from thinking of Lindi. This was a giant leap in his progress.

Professor Dumbledore was highly impressed at their next lesson, which occurred two weeks after the breakup.

"Very good, Remus," he said after attempting to probe for information about Remus' breakfast and getting information about yesterday's dinner.

"This is what you are all working for," the professor said, addressing the others in the private class. "You see, while it is beneficial to hide information from an enemy any way you can, it is especially effective if they don't know you are hiding it. If they find nothing, they will know you are attempting to block them, so if you can show them something to divert their attention, then that is what you want to do."

So at least there was something good that had come from his heartbreak, Remus thought and he smiled to himself bitterly.

"I'd smile too, if I had so much to hide," Severus Snape hissed quietly from behind. "It took you long enough, but I can only imagine how much practice you've had blocking your thoughts these past couple of weeks." He smiled maliciously. "Of course, I've been able to do it for ages."

"I can only imagine if girls retched at the sight of me, I'd have figured out how to block my thoughts ages ago, too," said Sirius, leaning in to join the private conversation.

James sniggered softly and Remus found himself appreciating Sirius' comeback on his behalf.

But at the same time, he resented it. Was Sirius trying to provoke Snape, knowing what Snape knew?

Knew because of Sirius…

Remus felt a swell of anger, but Snape looked positively livid and started to respond. Fortunately, Dumbledore called the class to order, preventing a further escalation of hostilities.

Still, worrying about Snape being taunted into revealing the secret was just another thing to weigh heavily on Remus. He wished he knew what made Dumbledore so sure Snape wouldn't blab, but he told himself over and over that he could trust Dumbledore.

However, when he became particularly anxious, he would fall back on his newfound success with Occlumency and shut the worry out.

Remus was shutting a huge amount of thought out these days and it was draining. Occlumency was a very labor intensive practice. It took great focus and mental strength, so that he could only maintain it for short periods of time. Still, it worked well enough to get him involved in a class, until the actual work could distract him. It also helped him through meals and in the halls between classes, particularly when Lindi was present.

But if he was alone in his room for any length of time, he was forced to think about everything. He figured it was probably for the best, as he needed to work through his sorrow and that couldn't be done if he kept it buried in his subconscious. So he let himself mourn—mourn for the loss of trust in Sirius, and for the death of his relationship with Lindi.

There were many excruciating hours alone in the dark and quiet behind his bed curtains late at night.


While the days were less agonizing than the nights, they were still a struggle. As if the fight with Sirius or the breakup with Lindi wouldn't have been bad enough on their own, some started linking the two entirely separate situations together.

Over the last weekend of March, Remus, James, and Peter were in The Three Broomsticks on a Hogsmeade visit. These trips had become rarer as the attacks by Voldemort and his Death Eaters became increasingly more common and violent. Remus knew it was only a matter of time before Dumbledore canceled the excursions altogether, but even so, he hadn't wanted to make the trip. He was in no mood for revelry and worried that Rosmerta might confront him for what he'd done to her cousin. He also didn't want to run into Lindi, but James had still managed to talk him into going. James could be quite persuasive, and it was James' birthday.

Sirius was serving one of the month's worth of full weekend detentions he'd been given for the 'prank,' and couldn't join them. That made convincing Remus he should come a little easier. Remus felt sorry for James having to celebrate the milestone of his coming of age without his best friend, but it was Sirius' fault. It was just one more unhappy consequence of Sirius' reckless actions. Hopefully he was learning a valuable lesson.

At any rate, Remus tried to have fun, for James' sake. Once they'd entered The Three Broomsticks, the three Marauders convinced Lily, Mary MacDonald, and Celia Kellar to join them at their table. This went a long way to making James' birthday a happier one, especially since it meant that Lily was in town without Hal.

While she let it be known they were still seeing each other, Remus sensed that the relationship was definitely cooling. Not that it had ever appeared particularly passionate, but Lily seemed increasingly bored with it. She had been spending more time in the Gryffindor common room and even with the Marauders since learning Remus' secret, than she had with Hal. James had noticed, too, and was clearly encouraged.

"She'll dump him within a month," he said one evening after a particularly pleasant visit. "Bank on it."

And here she was, spending a Hogsmeade trip with them. Remus felt a little niggling of envy, but it couldn't stop him from being cautiously optimistic for James. He wanted his friends to be happy, even if he couldn't be.

While they were having their first round of drinks, a group of third year Ravenclaws took the table next to them. They were situated between the Marauders and a group of Slytherins that included Avery, Rosier, Snape, Mulciber, and Regulus Black. Remus noticed that the Slytherins started whispering to the Ravenclaws, who would then look over at Remus. Soon, the young Ravenclaws began to look a bit uncomfortable and seemed to be having some sort of dispute amongst themselves.

Remus tried to ignore them all. He wished he had his back to them, but for some reason, he always preferred to face the entrance. He liked to be aware of people entering, but now he had to face the whispering, snickering Slytherins.

He wished he was back at the dormitory.

Eventually, James, who fortunately had his back to them, became impatient waiting for a waitress and went to order another round. Remus felt a little guilty that James was buying their drinks when it was James' own birthday, but just a little guilty. After all, James could afford it, and Remus certainly couldn't. He also knew James really didn't mind. It gave him a chance to impress the girls, or try to, anyway. His methods might have become a little more subtle with age, but James was still a bit of a showoff.

While he squeezed his way up to the bar, three of the Ravenclaw boys walked over and stood next to Remus.

Looking rather nervous, the first, a boy by the surname of Ainsley, said, "Hiya, Remus, erm…we were just…" He fidgeted awkwardly and glanced over his shoulder at the Slytherins. They looked a little threatening and had obviously set him up to say something. He spooled up some courage and said rather quickly, "So, did something happen between Black and Lindi? Did they—you know?"

"What?" Remus asked, amazed at not only the question, but the nerve of the boy. He could see the Slytherins leering.

"Is that why you're brassed off at him and why you broke up with Lindi?" asked the second, whose name Remus didn't remember.

"No," Remus answered, nearly sickened at the very idea.

"I don't blame you. I'd be royally brassed off at him, too," said a pimply-faced one. "Can hardly blame him, but what kind of an arse pulls a mate's girl, even if it is Lindi?"

"Shut your pie holes, you stupid bloody prats! You don't know crap about what you're talking about!" snapped James, coming up behind them and making them jump. "Now, sod off, before I hex the bollocks off the lot of you!"

James' reputation obviously backed up the threat enough to put an immediate end to the questions. The three boys slunk back to their table, muttering apologies, but Remus had a feeling the speculation would continue. He certainly didn't like the way Evan Rosier and Julian Avery were whispering and smirking at him. Mary and even Celia remained awkwardly silent for a spell. Lily congratulated James on a job well done for shutting the 'little berks' up. Remus wished, yet again, that he'd stayed at the castle.

And then there was Lindi….

Remus' fear of running into her was realized when she came into the pub soon after the ridiculous questions—with her cousin, Will. Even as crowded as the room was, her gaze instantly fell on Remus, as if it had been drawn there by magnetic force. He could see her breath catch when she glanced to his side and saw Celia sitting next to him. Remus knew immediately from the look on her face what was going through her mind. He didn't need to be a Legillimens to see that the memory of that day in the Hog's Head came rushing back to her. It must have been stirred in Will as well. He looked at Remus gravely and then whispered something to Lindi, guiding her past the bar and through the door to the rooms in back. Only after the door had shut behind them did Remus breathe freely. He had fully expected Will to come over and throttle him on the spot for hurting her. But maybe Will didn't yet know just how much Remus had hurt her. That very minute, Lindi was probably telling him how Remus had made an aggressive pass at her and that he had broken up with her because she 'wouldn't shag him'.

Oh bloody craaappp…. Remus wanted to shout out loud. Nausea rolled through his stomach and the bile inched up his throat. Will was going to hex him into oblivion! His first thought was to head back to the castle, pronto, but running away wasn't Remus' style. He was a Gryffindor after all. He might not seek out a duel, and might even try to avoid it, but he wouldn't run from it. Besides, even if he had kept it in his dacks, as Will had instructed that day on the train platform, and hadn't broken up with Lindi for not shagging him, he still deserved the hexing he was going to get for hurting her as he had.

But it didn't come—not that day, anyway. Lindi and Will were still in the back when James and the others were finally ready to leave. There was a part of Remus who regretted that the throttling had been delayed. He really hated having to dread it.


March melted into April, but the spring was late in coming. A cold and grey gloom hung over the Hogwarts grounds as if nature itself was affected by Remus' mood.

Though it was more than just Remus' mood.

Two more students had lost loved ones in the war with Voldemort. Yes, after all these years of steadily increasing violence, people had finally started to acknowledge that there was a full blown war going on. This wasn't just some isolated psychopath targeting random Muggles or Muggleborns. Voldemort was amassing a powerful army to gain control over the entire wizarding world, or at least their part of it, for starters.

Terror had taken hold of all of Britain, to the point that even the editors of the Daily Prophet wouldn't print Voldemort's name anymore, for fear that he would curse them. News stories had the stench of intimidation about them, as though the reporters were afraid to even suggest that Death Eaters were guilty of crimes that everyone knew they had committed.

During interviews, spokesmen for the Department of Law Enforcement became evasive or attributed crimes to 'what might just be rogue thugs acting on their own' rather than placing responsibility where everyone knew it belonged.

It was strange and frightening to see even the Ministry of Magic cowering in the face of a sadistic tyrant while the newspaper basically ignored it, or worse, intentionally covered it up. Only a few of the reporters seemed willing to risk reporting the full facts. Dorcas Meadows was one and she had published the promised article on the probable link between Death Eaters and werewolves. Meadows even had the nerve to include the accusation that Fenrir Greyback was behind the disappearance of Caleb Sheridan. Sheridan was the man who had been investigating the attack by Greyback at the Three Broomsticks that Lindi had been witness to. The report went further, even offering incriminating evidence that a prominent member of wizarding society, Abraxas Malfoy, had suspected ties to the Death Eaters and might be giving Greyback false alibis for the time of Sheridan's disappearance. She stopped short of accusing Malfoy outright, but it had taken great nerve to even suggest the possibility.

She also included information on the case of Alban Randolph, the werewolf who had been accused of killing his wife a few weeks earlier. According to Meadows, Randolph had passed an interrogation while under the use of Veritaseram, but he was still being held in Azkaban, awaiting trial. Meadows clearly believed the man and his insistence that werewolves were being forced into service with Voldemort through threats and extortion. Sadly, Meadows also reported that there was every indication that many were joining voluntarily. Of course, it made no sense for them to do so, what with the Death Eaters holding their pureblood prejudices, but there was a saying that war made for strange bedfellows, and from all indications, it was true.

While Remus was relieved that some truth was being told, it did not bode well for him personally, as it only increased the animosity most witches and wizards felt towards werewolves.

Sometimes, he almost wished the paper would stop reporting at all, so he would have an excuse to cancel his subscription, for there were other things in it to haunt him, besides the stories of violent werewolves.

One morning at breakfast, he was reading another editorial about the need to increase restrictions on werewolves, due to the current crises. Remus recognized the woman's name. He had read her diatribes against werewolves before, but he wondered if there had been a misprint, and instead of Umbridge, her name was really Umbrage, which would have been far more fitting. Regardless, she was a wicked witch, and at first, he was happy when Peter distracted him from the hateful article.

"Hey, Moony, look at that," Peter said eagerly from across the table.

Remus lowered the Prophet and looked around.

"No, there," Peter said, reaching across and tapping the paper. "It's Lindi."

Remus flipped the paper over and felt the breath catch in his chest. It was indeed Lindi, looking more beautiful than he'd ever seen her, which was saying something. Her dark hair was loosely piled on her head, delicate wisps falling gracefully around her blushing face from a ringlet of white blossoms she wore like a crown.

For an instant, absolute panic gripped him, but he glanced across the Great Hall and saw her sitting there in her usual spot, or her new usual spot. Since the breakup, she'd been sitting with her back to him. But she was there, still at Hogwarts, slightly slumping over the table, looking woebegone. Her head was resting on her mercifully unadorned left hand.

Remus started to breathe again. She certainly didn't act like a new bride. He lifted the paper up again and noticed that his hands had gone all clammy. He shook off his nerves and inspected the photograph more closely. Those were clearly wedding robes she was wearing. She looked like a dream…his dream… (And probably quite a few others'.) But from the look of her sitting miserably at the table, she was still no one's dream come true.

Thank God! he thought, almost breaking out into a cold sweat.

It was only an advertisement. Now he saw the caption that read Put him under your spell in a wedding robe from Matrimony by Malkin.

Lindi had told him about Madam Malkin's son asking her to model, and he'd already seen an ad for their new spring line, but she hadn't mentioned modeling bridal robes.

When had she done them? From the look on her face in the picture, it had been before their breakup, for she was smiling and looked happy, as a bride should. And he knew the blush on her cheeks was out of embarrassment over having someone take her picture, but it worked marvelously for a beautiful blushing bride. He almost laughed when she smiled bashfully and covered her face with the bouquet of flowers in her hand. Then she rushed off the page, unable to stand the attention any longer.

But he didn't laugh.

Oh, God, how he missed her…

Occlumency…Occlumency….


When the day of the April full moon arrived, it was something of a relief. Much as he hated the pain of transforming, he almost looked forward to it. For one thing, he could pretend it helped make up for the pain he'd caused Lindi…a sort of penance. At the least he looked forward to the hours of complete oblivion.

But he was also very nervous. This would be the first full moon without his friends to entertain him since they'd become Animagi, over a year ago.

Correction… it was the first he would go into knowing it would be without them. The last had been without them, too, thanks to Sirius.

And Remus couldn't make himself forget the agony he'd suffered, what he'd done to himself trapped in the Shrieking Shack all alone. The wolf had been particularly vicious, hating being caged after he'd gotten used to having a pack and running wild.

It made Remus shiver with dread.

And then anger…

But no matter how much he dreaded it, this full moon would have to be spent alone. Again, thanks to Sirius, because Remus didn't trust him anymore.

"Don't be stupid, Moony!" Sirius shouted at him when he finally told them they were not to come to the Shrieking Shack that night.

Remus had waited to tell them until the last minute, to avoid a prolonged fight.

"You have the nerve to call me stupid? I'm not the one trying to kill people!" he shot back, barely containing his rage.

"Oh, will you let it go?" Sirius howled. "You know I'm not going to do anything like that!"

"That's the problem, Sirius. I don't know it! You've already tried it once!"

"Oh, for the love of Godric! Talk to him, James!" Sirius implored.

"Honestly, Moony," James said earnestly. "Nothing will happen. I promise you; I won't let it."

"You need us, Moony," said Peter.

Remus looked into their concerned faces and wanted more than anything to agree.

But then he looked at Sirius and all the anger bubbled up. He wasn't ready to forgive, and giving Sirius that responsibility, allowing Sirius to have that power over him, would make him feel like a hypocrite.

And a selfish coward…

He shook his head. "No. I know you both mean well, but I just don't trust him. And Prongs can't control the wolf by himself." He looked Sirius in the face. "You can't come." And he rushed out the door and closed it behind him to prevent further argument. Of course, he could still hear Sirius raving and cursing and something slamming into the closed door as he hurried down the spiral stairs.

Remus felt a hint of satisfaction… He liked having the control. He seemed to have lost all control over everything else in his life, so it felt good to wield some.

Even if he did dread the results….

He reached the common room and saw Lily glance up from her books. She seemed to have been watching for him and looked anxious. She was obviously worried about him, now that she knew the truth. In a way it was comforting, though he hated knowing people worried about him. He was a grown man, after all. He gave her his bravest smile and she nodded, returning a small one.

She was his friend. She accepted him…cared for him…. It gave him strength. He called upon that strength a short while later as he sat on the chilled floor of the Shrieking Shack, waiting for moonrise and the transformation, knowing his friends were not out in the tunnel waiting to take him out running. Knowing what was to come….

He hadn't felt this alone since his mum and dad had locked him in the cage in the basement, when he was still too young to really understand.

Occlumency…Occlumency

But he wasn't nearly good enough to block out the pain that shot through his limbs—and his still all too human heart.


A damp draft chilled him and Remus slowly opened his eyes. A floor board creaked overhead, then silence. It must have been the wind. He rolled over gingerly, trying not to aggravate any injuries the wolf may have given him, but the expected pain didn't materialize.

Yes, he was very achy, as he always was following the transformation, but there wasn't any excruciatingly horrible pain. There didn't seem to be any dislocations or serious gashes. He carefully pushed himself up into a sitting position and looked around.

Nothing out of the ordinary…except the open door. He was sure that he had closed it. Hadn't he? Yes… He had made a point of it; had thought about his friends being locked out. But now it was open and letting in a cold draft.

Had the wolf somehow triggered the lock?

And turned the knob? Come on, Remus… But he didn't know how to explain it.

Unless…No…No, they wouldn't dare

Of course he knew better. There was very little he could name that the Marauders wouldn't dare to do.

Still, James and Peter wouldn't ignore his wishes like that.

Would they?

The tunnel door creaked and then soft padding of feet and swishing robes sounded outside in the hallway. Madam Pomfrey must be coming. Remus looked around, frantically searching for his robes, but he'd removed them in the next room, as usual.

Crap… Now he knew he was feeling much better this month than last, since the fact that he was naked actually bothered him. He was also able to make a dive for an old cushion under the battered sofa and hold it over himself, providing a semblance of modesty. Not only had he not bothered last month, but he would have been physically incapable.

"Well," the nurse said as she entered the room, sounding relieved. "Good morning, Remus. You don't look any too worse for the wear. Not nearly so bad as last month." A crease formed between her eyes as she crossed the room toward him. "I guess that's what not having idiots outside the door to stir things up can do for you. It looks like you were back to normal last night."

"Yes, ma'am," he said in his hoarse voice.

"I'll check you over to be sure," she said. "Do you hurt anywhere? Aside from the usual, of course."

"No, ma'am."

She took out her wand and cleaned off a few nicks and scratches, then rubbed a bit of bruise healing paste over some spots on his lower back.

"I'd like to know how you got those," she said, "but you do tend to end up with strange bruises." She shrugged and pulled a potion from her bag. "At least you don't need a blood replenishing potion this time."

Remus nodded absently. He was wondering about the bruises. They had always attributed the ones in strange places to Prongs' antlers, from keeping the wolf in line.

But that would mean….

"Remus?" the nurse said, drawing his attention and holding out the pain potion to him.

"Sorry," he said and took it. "Thank you." He drank it down and handed the vial back to her.

"Well, that should do it. Everything looks as good as you could hope for. I'll get your robes and then wait for you by the tunnel."

"Actually, Madam Pomfrey," he said, remembering the creaking floor. "I think I'll just rest here for a while."

"Are you sure?"

He nodded, hoping she didn't find it strange that he would want to stay.

"I can see to it that you aren't disturbed in hospital," she said pointedly.

He smiled, appreciating her concern. "It isn't that," he said. "I just have something I want to figure out and I think I can do that better here."

She gave him a curious look, but didn't press the matter. That was something he really liked about Madam Pomfrey. She didn't pry into his emotional state.

"If you're sure then, I'll help you get to the bed."

"That isn't necessary. Really," he assured her. "I'm fine. Just tired and sore."

"Very well," she said. She dug in the bag and handed him a small vial of another potion. "You'll be wanting that."

He took the sleeping draught from her. "Thank you."

"I want you to check in with me by dinner," she said.

He assured her he would and waited for her to leave before struggling to his feet and going to retrieve his robes from the next room. He set the potion on the rickety table and pulled the robes from under the chair. As he started dressing, he heard the floor creaking above him again, but this time, it was obviously not the wind. They weren't trying to be quiet any longer. He stopped fastening the robe and took a deep breath. It made him gasp, sore as his ribs were. Still, the pain didn't distract him from his rising anger.

They had ignored him, completely disregarding his express order not to come.

The old stairs groaned under their weight and he turned toward the door to wait for them. He wanted desperately to sit in the chair; his legs were trembling with fatigue and cramping from the transformation, but he refused to appear weak when they arrived.

Never mind that they had seen him battered and incapacitated plenty of times. But that was before they had shown such little regard for his wishes; before they had shown so little respect for him as a man.

He wasn't really surprised at Sirius, but James and Peter….

He was reminded of the time when they had informed him of their plan to become Animagi. He had told them no, but they had argued with him then, too, and won. And he had benefited tremendously for it.

And you have this time, too, flitted through his mind before he could stop it.

But that is beside the point, he told himself, determined to hold them accountable for the offense he felt they'd committed against him.

By the time the three Marauders stood in the doorway, he had forced any appreciation he felt to the back of his mind.

"Alright, Moony?" James said after they'd all stared at each other for a moment.

Remus knew James knew better.

"No, I'm not alright," he said. "Why did you come? I told you not to."

"I know, but…" James paused and sighed.

Peter looked very awkward, but Sirius…Sirius looked like his usual arrogant self, so defiant.

"They came to help me help you," Sirius said calmly.

Remus' ire sizzled like Ashwinder eggs as he looked in those steely grey eyes. "How dare you?" he croaked, barely able to get the words out his voice was so hoarse and his throat so tight with anger.

Sirius just stared at him, seemingly unphased.

"I told you not to!" Remus barked, the strain of shouting hurting his raw throat.

"And I decided not to let you cut off your nose to spite your face," said Sirius. "Or should I say claw it off, in your case?"

Sirius acted so calm and superior. His cool tone and demeanor, not to mention the nasty claw crack enraged Remus. How dare he act like Remus was being foolish?

"That is not your decision to make!" Remus said. "And I'm not doing anything out of spite!"

Of course, if he'd been calmer and completely honest, he might have admitted there was a little spite involved. Maybe more than a little…. The truth was that Sirius' betrayal had hurt Remus deeply. But it had also endangered him and his future, not to mention the danger in which Sirius had placed Severus and even James. Only a saint would be able to completely forgive and forget that.

"I'm doing it because I can't trust you!" Remus continued. "When you endangered Severus, you endangered all of us! You showed that you couldn't be trusted and now you've only confirmed it by ignoring my wishes!"

Remus could tell his words had actually stung. Sirius took loyalty seriously and would be very offended to have his trustworthiness questioned. He didn't respond right away and he seemed to be fighting to maintain his composure. For a moment, Remus thought James was going to speak up, but he held his peace. Maybe he thought it was good for Remus and Sirius to get this all out in the open once and for all.

Finally, Sirius shrugged. "Fine. So be it," he said. "You don't have to trust me. I don't really care anymore—not if it means I'm supposed to sit back and let you rip yourself to shreds over it."

Remus stared at him, nostrils flaring. How was he supposed to respond to that? Sirius all but admitted he would do whatever Sirius damn well pleased.

It was infuriating.

"It isn't up to you! You're supposed to do what I tell you to do! It's my life!"

"And you'd rather rip yourself to shreds than let me be any part of your life, now?" Sirius said harshly, losing a little of his own cool. "All because I told Snivellus something he probably would have figured out on his own sooner or later anyway! He'd already seen you with Madam Pomfrey! He was already going to try to follow you! But yeah—it was all my fault and now I'm supposed to be a good boy and stay in my room, knowing what you'll do to yourself, just so you have the satisfaction of knowing I'm doing just what you told me to!"

Remus felt thrown slightly off balance. Sirius might have been right about Severus finding out on his own, and Remus probably would have ripped himself to shreds. But still….

"You are supposed to be my friend! You are supposed to have enough respect for me to respect my wishes!"

The icy grey eyes stared hard at him. After a short pause, Sirius smiled ironically. "Sorry, mate," he said quite calmly. "But friends don't let friends be idiots. I actually respect you far too much to let you do something so completely stupid, when there's something I can do to stop it."

While Remus had been on the verge of softening, this only served to rile him again. He did not appreciate being accused of stupidity. "IT ISN'T UP TO YOU! It's MY life! You can't just do whatever you want!"

"Well, I did it! And I'll warn you now; I have every intention of doing it again! So, unless there is something you plan on doing to stop it…" Sirius said this last in an infuriatingly level voice and shrugged to finish.

Remus stood glaring. Dammit! The only recourse he really had was to tell Professor Dumbledore. But Sirius knew Remus wouldn't tell and get James and Peter into trouble, too. The fact of the matter was, there wasn't much he could do, unless he planned on stunning Sirius and putting him in a body bind before the full moon. Of course, the chances of Remus overcoming the talented Sirius, particularly when Remus would be suffering from the effects of the impending moon were practically non existent.

There was also a little niggling thought growing inside that he really didn't want to do anything about it. In all honesty, Remus didn't relish the idea of what the wolf would do to him if Sirius actually obeyed Remus' demand. The previous full moon without them had been terrible. Granted, seeing and smelling Severus Snape and James had incited the wolf to extreme violence, but memories of full moon recoveries prior to the Marauders tormented him. Much as he hated to admit it—and he would not admit to Sirius—there was a part of him that was thankful they had kept the wolf entertained, even if it was against his wishes.

"So, what are you going to do? Are you going to hex me?" Sirius taunted when he didn't reply. "I know—just don't speak to me anymore. That'll show me. Oh wait…you haven't been speaking to me for weeks, have you?"

Remus almost exploded with the fury raging inside him. At that moment, he wanted to hex Sirius more than he could recall ever wanting to hex anyone in his life.

But he also couldn't help feeling—deep down inside—a twinge of… something else wriggling up out of the anger. Somewhere buried in the fury was the knowledge that Sirius was trying to make amends, in his own, twisted way. Angry as he was, Remus knew Sirius had done it to keep the wolf calm, and not to ignore Remus' wishes.

But still, the arrogance… "You bastard," Remus growled.

Sirius stopped and looked blankly at him. "Don't call me that."

"I'll call you whatever I want. If you can be a bastard and do whatever you bloody well want, I can sure as bloody hell call you one," Remus answered, still not nearly ready to let Sirius off the hook.

"Take it back."

"No."

"I said, take it back!"

"No! You are a bloody bastard!"

Sirius pulled his wand and pointed it at Remus.

"Oy, Sirius!" James cried.

But Sirius ignored him. "I said take it back," he said dangerously. "No one talks about my mum that way."

Remus blinked, a bit confused at Sirius' defense of his mother's honor. Sirius despised the woman. Looking around at James and Peter, Remus could see their confusion matched his own.

Sirius looked at him sternly. "Take it back. I may be a son of a bitch, but I'm no bastard. Got it?"

Peter snorted out loudly. James struggled not to laugh, but the sniggering was audible. Remus was torn between wanting to hex Sirius into oblivion and thinking how much he'd missed Sirius' complete irreverence. Sirius could be the most infuriating person Remus had ever known.

Oh how he had missed his friend.

"You really are a son of a bitch," Remus said.

The faintest glimmer of a smile brightened Sirius' grey eyes.

"That's what I said," he answered. "I'll go so far as to admit that I'm not just a son of a bitch, but a son of the queen bitch from Hell."

James and Peter didn't even try to suppress the snorts of laughter.

"You're also an arrogant arse," Remus said as earnestly as he could manage with the smile tugging at his own mouth.

"That too, and I'm not likely to let you forget it either."

And that was as close to an admission of guilt as Remus was likely to get from his arrogant, stubborn friend.

It would do.