Jane's alarm hadn't even finished one ring before she snapped to attention and shut it off. She'd always been a light sleeper, thank God; if she'd let it ring too many times, that would have aroused suspicion, because getting up too early on a Sunday would be odd and likely lead to Angela busting in to see what all the fuss was about. Though the shrill alarm had been brief, it was still a jarring and none-too-pleasant way to wake up.
What was a pleasant way to wake up? Seeing Maura next to her in bed.
Not that it was as conventionally alluring as Jane had fantasized it might be: Maura's hair was a tangled mess, one arm was bent in a very funny position, and her mouth hung open as she breathed deep. The sight was so altogether different from how glamorous and put-together Maura was that Jane almost laughed, but it was too sweet. She gave the blanket a tug, oddly elated that they were sharing the same source of cover. Jane lay back down on her side, facing Maura and pressing her foot against one of Maura's shins.
"Hey," Jane murmured, reaching under the covers to rest her hand on Maura's hip. "Maura Dorothea."
"Mm…?"
"Time to get up."
"Mm…mm-mm." Eyes still resolutely closed, Maura sighed and just tried to bury her face further into the pillow.
"C'mon, Sleeping Beauty," Jane chuckled. She ran her hand up and down Maura's back, trying to elicit a reaction. "It's time to get going."
"Ungh…"
"Gee, you really aren't a morning person, are you?"
"S'anyone?"
"I am, I guess."
Maura looked as though she was trying to stretch, even while straitjacketed into the sheets. She made a sort of groaning noise, but it was clear by the sleepy smile on her face that it was a happy sound. Her eyes opened, and though her vision was a little groggy, her grin stayed in place as she reached over to cup Jane's face. Jane turned to kiss her palm.
"I think I could become a morning person, if all my mornings were like this," she whispered.
Jane couldn't help grinning at that. "Yeah, I really like this. I like it a lot." They lay there in happy silence for a few moments, Maura's hand finding Jane's under the sheets and weaving their fingers together. "Um… my breath is probably kinda gross, but can I kiss you?"
Maura's smile widened. "Please do."
Jane leaned over and left a peck on Maura's cheek, then went down to briefly kiss her neck, then back up to her jawline, her cheek again, her mouth. Jane's lips didn't linger; she shifted to allow Maura to snuggle into her, tucking her forehead under Jane's chin.
"Oh, no," Jane sighed.
"What is it?"
"I'm not gonna be able to give this up. I like it too much."
"I know what you mean," Maura said, her arm lying over Jane's stomach. It was amazing how something as pedestrian as waking up in the morning could feel so wonderful when it involved the right person. "You know?" Maura giggled. "Even just last year, I got anxious thinking about getting married because—well, for many sundry reasons, I'm sure, but just this simple concept of waking up in the morning and being seen by someone before I'd had a chance to make myself look nice." She was embarrassed to admit it, and sounded it, given her shy chuckle. Jane didn't laugh, knowing the value Maura put in her appearance. "I thought I'd have to get up early, do my hair, put on makeup and then go back to bed to wake up looking that way to my husband, like they do in the movies. And I know I look ridiculous right now, but I could not care less that you're seeing me this way."
By way of making her prove it, Jane pushed away enough to get a good look at Maura's face. "You are so beautiful," she murmured.
"What? No. I draw the line at false flattery."
"I wouldn't lie to you," Jane said. "Movies are the movies, Maura. You don't need to be like them to be all glamorous. And besides, what do we got in Hollywood, anyway? Couples—married couples, mind you—sleeping in separate beds! Who wants that?"
"Not me," Maura said with a small laugh, drawing close to Jane once more and slipping one leg between hers.
"Mmm…Maura, you really do need to get going, though," Jane said ruefully. "I mean, that was the whole point of my setting an alarm."
There was that gorgeous smile, returning in full. "You kicking me out of bed already?"
"I wish like heaven and hell you could stay here," Jane said, her voice quiet. "Being here with you like this, it… it feels comfortable. Right. But it'll feel even more comfortable when we can wake up together outside of my parents' house, where no one will walk in on us."
Normally Jane loved taking a good risk; it was a thrill. But letting Maura sleep over had been risk enough, and she really did have to leave. Still it broke her heart to sit up in bed as Maura slipped out from under the sheets. She took a pair of denim pants from her bag, and stepped into them while still wearing her nightdress. She glanced over her shoulder at Jane, who averted her gaze as Maura pulled the dress over her head. Jane stole a quick look though as Maura pulled on a sweater, and faced with a snippet of a bare back, Jane could see Maura wasn't wearing a bra. She almost laughed to herself, remembering back to the first time she had ever laid eyes on Maura, peeping into her window.
I need to tell her about that at some point. I mean, I should. Right? Jane wasn't even sure if, at this point, Maura would be flattered or horrified. Maybe keep a lid on it for now.
It was also hard not to envision this being the end of a one-night stand, what with the way Maura was creeping around the bed as Jane stayed inside it, arms clasped around her knees beneath the sheets. Maura tucked some stray hair behind her ear, and Jane wondered why she found such a simple action so attractive.
"I suppose I should see myself out," Maura whispered.
"I should check and see that the coast is clear," Jane muttered, and she swung herself off the bed. Moving as quietly as possible, she gestured for Maura to stay put as she looked up and down the hallway. She then hurried down the stairs (carpeted, thank God, to kill the sound of footsteps on creaky wood), checked the living room and kitchen to make sure nobody else was awake, then vaulted back up the stairs. "Looks like we're good," she said.
"Okay, well, um…I guess I'll see you later, then?"
"Gimme a call when your dad gets back," Jane said. She pulled Maura in for a quick kiss, before checking the hallway once more and sending her on her way.
Church was more uncomfortable than usual. Jane's eyes were on her father almost the whole time. She watched him pray, watched him listen, and paid attention to his voice as he recited alongside the rest of the congregation. Her eyes wandered along the pews, and she found herself wondering how many of these men were cheating on their wives. If they didn't care about breaking what they professed to be such a sacred duty, why bother coming to church at all? What was the point?
How can Pop get on me about breaking any of the commandments when he's breaking one he said was most important? Heck, at least loving the person I do isn't going against any of the big ten. Hey, that's gotta count for something, hasn't it, God?
She was hurt and confused when she followed her parents back to the car, shuffling behind them as they walked hand-in-hand. She could only imagine that her father had gotten home late last night from his billiards or poker or wherever he'd been, and she was sure that even though he'd been the agitator of the argument last night, even though he'd been the one to slap his wife and tell her she couldn't work anymore, that Angela had been the one to apologize and seek forgiveness. That was just how their dynamic worked. And the times when Jane had noticed it before, all she'd thought was, that's not what I want my marriage to be like. Until now, she'd never thought, poor Ma.
At home, Jane went right into her post-mass routine, which involved changing out of her dress and into jeans and a shirt as fast as possible. She ruffled her hair to give it more of a windswept look, then pulled out the leather jacket Maura had given her. When she wasn't wearing it out on the town, she kept it folded at the bottom of her chest of drawers, away from prying eyes that might wonder why she needed such a piece of apparel. But as she threw it on in front of her mirror, adding the aviators Maura had also given her to complete the look, she thought, to hell with that. I look good. No more hiding this.
There was a knock on the door, and with as much bravado in her voice as she could muster, Jane invited them in. She turned, surprised to see both her brothers walk inside. "What's up, fellas? Ma too busy to barge in on me herself?"
"She and Pop went over to Sully's for brunch, you know that," Frankie sighed. "Second Sunday of the month, remember?"
Tommy asked, "How come you've got a motorcycle jacket? Looks new, not like the one Joey got you."
Jane turned back to the mirror, flipping up the collar. "Well, genius, it just so happens that I'm in possession of a motorcycle."
"No kidding?" Frankie asked, sitting on the bed. "Ma and Pop'll flip! How'd you get it?"
"Well, it's still sorta on layaway. I can use it whenever I want, but I'm keeping it at my pal's place until I finish paying it off," Jane answered with a casual sigh. "Soon as that happens, you can bet I'll be riding that honey of a Harley hydra-glide right down this street and parking it here."
"How you gonna do that without Ma and Pop noticing?" asked Frankie.
Jane removed the jacket and tossed it onto the bed next to Frankie. "Oh, they'll notice. The thing's yellow as a school bus. It kinda draws attention to itself."
"Are you nuts?" Tommy piped up. "They'll never let you get it, not even Pop!"
"What d'you mean, 'not even' Pop?"
"C'mon, Jane, you know he's always favored you," Tommy griped. "He don't make out that you have to be a girl like you should all the time, but that doesn't mean he's gonna let you get a bike!"
"Yeah? Well maybe I don't care what he thinks. Ever consider that? And maybe you shouldn't either, for that matter."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Frankie asked.
"All I'm asking is, how am I supposed to respect the rules of someone I have no respect for?"
Tommy looked blown away. "Someone you have no respect for? What the hell changed? You two've been thick as thieves for as long as I can remember!"
"Pop does what a man's supposed to do," Frankie said loudly. "He keeps a roof over our head, and he keeps food on the table and clothes on our backs! Sure maybe he's got a temper now and then, but—"
"He's being unfaithful to Ma!" Jane blurted out, and Frankie just scowled while Tommy looked shocked. "Maura saw him at the club I used to work at—the one he asked me to stop working at, I guess so he could carry on this affair in private. D'you get that, T?" she asked, giving Tommy's shoulder a light shove. "That's a sacred vow he's breaking without giving it a second thought, and all the while preaching at us about what's wrong and right? How the hell is that fair?"
Frankie angrily stood up off the bed. "What made you change your mind, Jane? You remember a few months back when Ma found lipstick on the collar of one of Pop's shirts?" (And yes, Jane did remember. Maura had left the mark the first time they'd kissed, when Jane had dressed up in one of her father's shirts to try and help it feel more like make-believe.) "You're the one who told me I had to tell her I'd borrowed it, so she wouldn't be angry at Pop for cheating—you said it wasn't a big deal! That he'd get over it! What d'you care now, huh?"
Floundering, Jane just tried to go with it. "Because I've had my eyes opened, Frankie!"
"To what?!"
"To what a marriage, what a relationship, is really supposed to be like! You think Mr. Isles would ever look at another woman besides his wife?"
"Aw, how do you know?" Frankie jeered. "According to what you told me before, this is normal behavior! It's just what men do, so what's the problem with it?"
"Because if it was really okay, then he wouldn't be hiding it, would he? If there's nothing wrong with stepping out on your wife, Frankie, how come it's not something we all just laugh and talk about over the dinner table?"
Tommy gave Jane a hard shove, and she fell back against her chest of drawers. When it looked like he was ready to go at her again, Frankie stepped in between them, holding Tommy at bay with one hand.
"You're one to talk!" Tommy shouted, growing redder by the second as Jane stared at him in complete bewilderment. "Is that really what you think? Hiding your behavior means it's bad, so you should quit it or bring it out in the open? Then how come you ain't been so hot to tell Pop or Ma or anyone about how you're dating a chick, huh?" When Jane looked in alarm at Frankie, Tommy said, "He didn't tell me nothin'! I ain't so dumb, Jane, I figured it out on my own! And you—you just confirmed it all right here and right now, going on about that yellow Harley—the one I saw outside the Isles' that night a few weeks ago?"
"You mean when you busted into Maura's room to steal her underwear?" Jane snarled.
"Yeah, and you know something, that was you in bed with her, wasn't it?" Tommy asked, disgust etched into every line of his face.
"You don't know what you're saying, Thomas," Jane said through her teeth.
"Like hell I don't! You're a freak!"
"Shut your mouth!"
"You are! If there wasn't anything wrong with it, we'd all just be talking about it over dinner, wouldn't we? It'd be like Frankie and Riley's relationship and Ma would be so happy and Pop would be so proud!"
"It's not the same thing!" Jane argued. "Who I like and what I do doesn't hurt anybody! Pop cheating on Ma hurts all of us!
Frankie held back Tommy again and said to him, "Don't you say a word about any of this to Ma or Pop, T, you understand? Jane's gonna get it under control, she's gonna get it cured like Pop's pal from the army. Just as soon as she turns eighteen, she's—"
"It can't be cured!" Tommy growled. "Pop and that guy ain't pals, you heard him clear as I did at Thanksgiving!"
"Well I don't believe a woman could be so dopey as to marry a guy that wasn't even right in the head like that," Frankie said levelly. "So I'm gonna believe Mrs. del Rossi's wedding ring over Pop's speculations."
Jane spoke up over Tommy's protest: "What the hell are you saying about me, Frankie? I never said I was gonna get cured! I don't want anyone to try, I told you that!" It was stunning to her to see how shocked both her brothers looked to hear this, as if they had found her bleeding out on the side of the road, and she had refused to let them go for help. "I'm gonna be eighteen soon, and that means my life is gonna be my life, and I'm gonna live it how I want. I'm not living it for Pop. Not for Ma. It's my life and my future."
"Pop's gonna kill you," Tommy said, speaking aloud a thought that had just registered.
Jane leaned forward and gripped his shoulders tight, looking him straight in the eye. "Not if you don't tell him," she whispered. "As long as I live under this roof, I gotta go by his rules to get by, that's just how it is. But he's not ever gonna lay a finger on me and get away with it, understand? Not after I leave, and not before. Jesus, Tommy, for once in your life don't be a tattle-tale! I'm not saying you have to be happy for me or my situation or anything, just please do what brothers are supposed to do and support me!"
She was startled to see tears forming in Tommy's eyes. Not for the life of her could she remember the last time either of her brothers had cried, so intensely had their father insisted that doing so was a sign of weakness. But clear as day, here was Tommy choking up as he said, "H-how can I be happy for you when you're throwing your life away?"
A glance over at Frankie showed that he was on the verge of tears as well. Jane set her eyes back at Tommy, and ran her fingers through the hair near his forehead. "T? You're a punk, and I know you think I'm not quite the girl I ought to be. But d'you think I'm dumb? Do you think I'm stupid?"
"No, but—"
"Then trust me when I tell you that I am not throwing my life away," Jane said steadily. "I'm… being with her makes me happier than I ever thought I could be. Do you understand? I'm in love. I've got all of it, I've got the butterflies in my stomach and the stupid grin on my face just when I think about her. I treat her well, and I love to do it. Tommy, I don't try to be rebellious just for the sake of it, okay? I'm just trying to find what makes me happy, and I've found it, and it's not hurting anyone. You guys know that's all I ever want for you two, right? I know I give you a hard time sometimes T, but that's what big sisters are supposed to do. And sometimes you need a telling off, y'know? But I want you to be happy, man, I do. And so long as you are, and you're not infringing on someone else's privacy or safety to do so, then that's all I want. I'm not gonna tell you how to live your life." In case that wasn't enough to sell him, Jane added, "Even when I disapprove of what you do, I don't rat on you to Ma and Pop. I hope I can trust you to be mature enough to do the same for me."
She moved one hand off his shoulder for him to shake, and she might have held it there for an eternity. At last, Tommy took hold of Jane's hand for barely a second before turning on his heel and stalking out of the room. Jane turned to Frankie, her hand still out for a shake, but Frankie didn't acknowledge it. He gave the foot of her bed a light kick, looking down at the floor.
"You think we should tell Ma?"
"About Pop?"
"Yeah."
"I—I dunno," Jane muttered. She felt guilty for feeling it, because discussing her father's affair certainly wasn't fun, but it took the heat off her and she wondered if Frankie was going to let it be his primary focus of concern now. "I mean, to what end? What d'you think would happen if she knew?"
Frankie made eye contact, rubbing the back of his neck. "Well, given that incident with the lipstick on Pop's shirt, we know she'd be upset."
"Obviously."
"But in the grand scheme of things?" Frankie asked with a shrug. "I dunno. I don't see how it'd be any different. Pop would probably promise never to do it again, say it was all a mistake, maybe after trying to deny it first. 'Cause what's Ma gonna do? Leave him? Divorce him?"
"Too bad Ma's not the King of England, huh?" Jane asked.
Frankie tried to laugh. "You mean so's she could start her own church that let her get a divorce?"
"Yeah."
"Ha…well, I think we're stuck with good old Catholicism for now."
"Frankie?"
"Yeah?"
"It doesn't feel right, not telling her. I don't like hiding stuff, believe it or not. Maura—she doesn't lie. Can't do it. I wonder sometimes if honesty is the best policy."
She was about to continue and say that she was glad she'd gotten things off her chest to her brothers, but Frankie spoke first and said "sometimes it isn't" before walking out of the room.
Dinner that night was almost unbearably awkward.
Jane had spent the afternoon in her room trying to concentrate on homework, and Frankie and Tommy had been playing basketball out in the cold. It was the first time they hadn't invited Jane to join them. Angela was surprised when she got home and Jane volunteered to help her prepare dinner—anything, really, to get out of her own head. When they all sat down an hour later, she was on tenterhooks waiting for Tommy or Frankie to blurt something out at any given moment. But all they did was avoid eye contact and avoid drawing her into their conversation.
"Honey, you're so quiet," Angela chuckled, covering Jane's hand with her own. She knew something was up when Jane didn't try to withdraw. "Are you feeling okay?"
"Yeah. Yeah I'm fine. I was just thinking about Maura." Jane's eyes were fixed on her mother, but as she shifted her glance to her father, she caught the dumbfounded looks on her brothers' faces. "I was just thinking how lucky I am to have a friend that I can trust so much. I'd trust her with my life. And it's nice having a friend who cares so much about me, and my feelings and making sure nobody hurts me. And I'd take a bullet for her, you know?"
Angela shot a confused look across the table at Frank, whose expression was difficult to read. "That's, um… that's nice, sweetheart!" she said. "Every woman needs a good girlfriend, I've always said!"
Jane smiled serenely at her as Tommy choked on his milk. "I absolutely agree, Ma. And you know? It got me thinking about something you told me a few years back, at Gianna's wedding. You said when people get married, it means they get to live with their best friend forever. I was thinking how nice that must be. I can't wait to have that."
"Thinkin' it's too bad you can't marry Maura, huh?" Frank joked, going back to his food. "You need to get out more, kiddo."
"Actually, Pop, what I was thinking was if I have so much emotion about my best friend, how strong the connection you and Ma have must be. I mean, it's like all that trust and consideration built up to a whole other level. That's pretty amazing. I can't wait to have that someday. What a special bond."
About twenty minutes later, the boys were on dish duty while Frank and Angela were in the living room and Jane was back in her room. Tommy checked to make sure no one was in earshot, then whispered to Frankie, "I don't know what Jane's deal is. I don't know if all this means she wishes she was a guy, or what. But I'm tellin' ya, brother. She's got the balls to qualify."
