A nice calmer chapter with lots of conversations. Hope you enjoy these last several chapters.
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"Erik, you're going to have to answer that same question for yourself. But, before you do, I hope you'll give me a little time."
Erik didn't respond. He glanced away again, staring forward and into space. Despite her desire to reach out to him, she merely held his hand, allowing him to sort through his thoughts.
He finally said, with slight strain, "You were…happy there."
"I don't know if that's the right word for it. I was happy to find some piece of you still alive. But I wasn't exactly happy to be there."
"You did not stare at me with fear, with contempt."
"How am I looking at you now?" she gently asked.
His head turned. "With...kindness, I suppose. Perhaps you are not afraid of me because I can barely move."
"Erik, that's not it."
"You were concerned about my well-being. And so you…you wanted to rescue me. That was extremely kind of you."
"It wasn't an act of charity. Didn't you hear me earlier? I decided that I would never be okay unless I knew that you were truly happy. Then I could try to find my own happiness. Not with Raoul. Not with the band. But somehow. But then you weren't happy in SCI. And I wasn't very happy. So I thought…I thought, well…" She wiped a tear away. "Maybe there could be a way."
"A way for what?"
"To try again in the right way. Wouldn't you like to spend hours absorbed in music together, where time flies by because you're doing what you love? Where nothing else matters because you're doing what you want with someone who understands and…?" He was staring at the other side of the room, lips tightly pressed together. "Erik, why don't you want to look at me?"
"I let you go so that you could be happy."
"And I came back to see if we could be happy. Erik, look at me. Do you not feel that way about me now?"
"How could you ever ask that?" he inquired through gritted teeth.
"Then why won't you look at me?"
"I was horrible to you," he rasped. "I was an utter monster. I was prepared to die afterwards, to rid the world of myself. It seemed like the only solution."
"But I didn't want you to die. I begged Nadir."
"Yes. He said that when he came down to the theater. I did not understand why."
"I couldn't stand the thought of you dead, Erik. I really wanted you to be happy. I thought maybe you could be in SCI. That was why I let them take you. And I'm sorry about that. I'm so sorry you've gone through all this - "
"You are sorry? You should have wished the worst for me. Why would you be? I am the one who…"
She squeezed his hand. "Maybe you'll feel better if you say it, too."
It took a bit of effort for him to meet her eyes again. He looked defeated and terrified. Erik had, after all, operated in a world where regret was weakness. Kill or be killed, she supposed.
Had she felt regret upon seeing Nicholas die?
Not really, she admitted to herself. Regret that the situation had spiraled out of control and come to that, definitely. But mostly she had felt relief – that she would get to survive. Nicholas had died so that she could live.
And that was the sort of world Erik had lived in every single day.
Finally, he looked at her. His eyes were shining. In a strangled voice, he managed to say, "Christine, I am…so very sorry for all of it. I am sorry for terrorizing you. When I remember how scared you were - it is a crushing weight on my chest that I deserve to have. So I do not know why you are here."
Her thumb stroked the back of his hand. "I forgive you, Erik. I did a while back."
He choked and cleared his throat. Then he took a long, deep breath, and his shoulders relaxed slightly. She was certain that he did feel better. She felt better.
"So now," she continued. "Now here we are. With lots of time."
"And I have already ruined everything," he dully replied.
"No, you haven't. What have you ruined? I told you that Nicholas wasn't your fault."
"You came in here with nothing but kindness, and I was cruel."
"I wouldn't say you were cruel. You just…" She glanced down. "Well, you didn't seem very happy to see me."
"I remembered all I had done to you."
"I understand. If you couldn't remember SCI, it must have been really confusing."
"But now you are keeping your distance, and I…I do not know anything."
"I didn't want to invade your space until you felt comfortable. I'm not scared of you. Do you want me to come closer again?" He gave a little nod. She could tell that every interaction was a struggle for him, that he had no idea what to do. She came to lie beside him, a hand resting on his chest and her face up against his shoulder. His head turned so that his chin was resting against her hair. "This feels good," she murmured. She felt him shudder. A couple of minutes passed, and her eyelids grew heavier. "You'll have to excuse me if I fall asleep. I haven't slept well in a long time."
"Because of me?"
"Yes. But not in the way you think. I was worried about you."
"Ah."
She wanted to stop talking and simply exist with him. The more tired she became, the more likely she was to say the wrong thing. And this situation was so delicate. Sleep came easily. It was dreamless and warm, and her body finally relaxed. Erik was still and silent.
Hours later, a knock on the door awoke her.
She felt Erik freeze. Christine lifted her head.
"It's just me," said a friendly voice on the other side. "Can I come in?"
Christine was relieved to hear Gabby. She looked at Erik but couldn't read his expression. "Are you okay if I let her in?"
A nod was his only reply.
Christine got up, steadied herself, and opened the door.
Gabby smiled. "Hello, Christine. I'm so glad you're okay."
"Thanks!"
"I came to check on Erik. How are you feeling?"
"Tired but fine," she replied.
"Your head doesn't hurt?"
"Not really. Only when I touch it."
"Well, then don't touch it," said Gabby with a laugh.
"Do you need a moment alone with Erik?" Christine asked, opening the door wider. "It's getting dark. I'd better go find some dinner."
"That sounds good," said Gabby. "I won't be very long."
Christine walked back to Erik. "I'll be back soon, okay? Do you need anything?"
Erik blinked. "I am fine."
She nodded, unsure as to what he was thinking. That had been the one aspect of SCI Erik that she had preferred – his openness. He told her things. He let her understand.
But she had not come so far and fought so hard to give up easily.
One day at a time.
As Gabrielle checked on him, he was quiet.
He was weak and pathetic and powerless.
And, as he stared at the door, he wondered if his mind had broken completely. He questioned his entire reality.
Gabrielle followed his gaze. "She'll be back soon, Erik."
A pause. "You acknowledged her presence," he softly stated.
"What?"
"I thought perhaps she was a hallucination, but you acknowledged her existence."
"She's very real, Erik." Gabrielle leaned down and studied his eyes. He grew agitated and glanced away. "I was concerned about your mind; Nicholas disconnected you too quickly. But I think that, because you began to disentangle your thoughts while you were in SCI, you may have saved yourself. Christine was helping you remember your real self while you were in there. I think that made the disconnection less traumatic for you." He didn't say anything. "If you think you're having hallucinations, please let me know. But Christine is not a hallucination."
Soon, he would not be able to deny what was happening. Yet he still could not accept it. If he did, he would lose control.
He changed the subject. "Previously, it took weeks to gain my strength back. Will this time be the same?"
"More or less," said Gabrielle. "I don't know if the quality of muscle stimulation was quite as good. But close enough. You'll be back to yourself within a couple months at least. And then God help us all, right?" She smiled slightly, a little darkly.
He let her work. She chattered about something, perhaps to do with her daughter, but he was barely aware.
Before she left, he asked, "Gabrielle?"
She turned. "You're one of the few people who calls me that. It's very formal. Anyway, yes?"
"Is it possible to return?"
"Into SCI?" He nodded once. She sighed. "Theoretically, yes. Of course it is. But with Daniel and Hope both gone, it would be difficult. I would always be scared that someone might find out about you. You would be vulnerable for the rest of your life. Corey and I could try to protect you. Until the day we're fired or arrested or God knows what."
He understood. Yet, as he recalled his interactions with Christine in the System, he could not help but mourn for that existence. He could see the artificial sunlight on her face. He had kissed her, and it was not disgusting. He felt loss.
Gabrielle continued, "Whatever happens, you aren't alone here if you don't want to be. Maybe I was too quick to embrace SCI as a miracle solution. Maybe we all were."
"Or perhaps it was the correct solution to the problem of myself," he muttered.
"Oh, Erik. Talk to Christine some more. Talk to Nadir. And if SCI is the only solution, I will try to help." She sounded tired.
Gabrielle soon departed. He felt so strange and hollow. Hours ago, he had again been prepared to embrace death. Seeing Christine here again, he was on the verge of coming apart. He was still starved for her. All those terrible old feelings of utter desperate need returned. He wanted to touch her. He wanted to be pressed up against her, be engulfed in her scent, away from himself.
And the only hope was that pretty binary world.
He lay there by himself for an hour or so, again questioning his sanity.
The door slowly opened. The Angel was back. She came to the bedside. She had changed into a sweatshirt and leggings.
"What did you eat?" he asked. He really wanted to know. He wanted to know everything about her, and he wanted to hear the sound of her talking.
"Burger King. It was the only thing around. Besides some diner that looked like it was going to collapse." She laughed, and it was the most beautiful sound in the world.
"That sounds absolutely delightful."
"Yeah." Tilting her head, she asked "Erik, are you okay with me staying here with you for a while? You can tell me when you need privacy. You just…have to tell me what you want."
"What do you want?" he asked.
"Well, to stay here. I searched for you for such a long time. I like being with you."
His heart clenched. When she said bizarre things like that, he could only give her the truth. "Stay."
She smiled and resumed her position at his side. He was very aware of her body pushed against him, of her hand on his chest. He hoped she would not scream when he raised his weakened arm and brought his fingers to her soft hair. She didn't. She only sighed when he touched her.
"What the hell are you doing here, Angel," he whispered without malice. "This is going to kill me."
"I hope not," she whispered back. "Otherwise, I just spent sixty-three dollars on music for nothing."
"What?"
"Some pieces we could try together. I found them online. If you'd like."
Her gentle humor, dark enough for him to appreciate, along with her closeness allowed him to relax a little. While he did not trust the situation, the future, he somehow trusted her. He remembered her words to him in SCI, how hard she had fought to save his wretched life. He had never really trusted anyone before. His fingers threaded their way into her hair. He had to understand what could come next and what could not. Before she disappeared again.
Once they were settled, he said, "In SCI, I could do so much with you. I could take you out in the daytime. People would look at us and not scream, not wonder why a beautiful young girl was with an ugly middle-aged monster. I could exist with you."
Her hand rubbed his chest. "I know there were parts of it that were wonderful for you. For your sake, I sometimes had second thoughts."
"But for yourself as well. If you…If you mean as you said, he would be better for you. He was a musician, too, wasn't he? So you could keep music."
"He wasn't nearly as good as you."
He chuckled at the firmness in her voice. "Likely not. But he was not a wanted criminal. His mind was less distorted. He was kind to you, wasn't he?"
"And you don't think you can be kind to me?" she asked, looking up. There was no judgment in her voice, yet she studied him in a way that made him uncomfortable.
"No! I mean, yes. Yes, I want to always be kind to you. You deserve nothing but that. But I am nothing but this hideous individual who has done wretched things that will follow me forever."
"I don't care about your face. So that's not even a consideration for me, okay? There are other issues that are important. The pills, for one. But we don't have to talk about that right now. We can give it some time."
The pills. He had not thought about the red demons until she mentioned them then. He felt such sickening shame. They had precipitated his entire decline into madness. He replied, "I have been off of them since the day you first saw my face. I would die before taking them again. The second my hand reached for them, I would cut it off."
"That's wonderful to hear, Erik. You just have to promise to tell me or Nadir if you're ever struggling with thoughts of them. If you ever want them, you have to talk to us. Or even Gabby. Don't be alone in that."
She spoke in terms of the future, and that made him feel crazy. How could she? He tried again. "I am a wanted man. I cannot take you on a damned walk down the street without someone shrieking or calling the police. I cannot take you out to dinner. In SCI - "
"In SCI, I couldn't taste the food. Nothing looks real. Nothing feels right. And I wasn't the only one who felt it. You did, too. You knew it wasn't real, and it took all of your energy to function."
"You were honestly not happy there?" he asked with slight despair.
"Not really." She leaned up and kissed the corner of his mouth. "But you should be happy, too, Erik. We'll figure it all out, okay?"
It suddenly dawned on him what he was really asking her to do. To give up her existence so that she could be permanently plugged into a virtual reality system with him. To let her muscles waste away. To be fed with tubes.
For some, for Alice, that was the best they could have. That was the best life possible.
But not for Christine. Her body was young and healthy, and he was asking her to relinquish her life.
He felt sick again because there was no way out now.
"I'd like to spend some time with you out here," she said. "Is that okay?"
"How much time?" he whispered.
"It depends on what you want."
He would not go back into SCI without her. There was simply no point.
What the hell am I going to do?
"Are you comfortable sleeping in your mask?" she asked.
"I am fine." He could not be both weak and revolting in front of her. That would be too much.
"If we turn off the light, would you feel more comfortable taking it off?"
He did crave the darkness. Perhaps he would feel less out of control. She reached up and switched off the bedside lamp. She didn't reach for his mask, only lying back down and resuming her position.
Silence. Minutes and minutes of silence.
And then he again asked, "How long, Christine?"
"Hm?"
"How long will you stay?"
"I told you that depends on if you want to go back to SC - "
"No. If I do not go back there, how long will you stay?"
"Well," she hesitantly began. "if you can make me a couple promises, I'll stay…forever." She swallowed. "I didn't come all this way to leave you. I told you that I loved you. I wouldn't say that if I weren't going to stay."
He could not stop the strange noise that escaped the back of his throat, like the sound a small wounded animal might make. A hideous, strangled sound. "You cannot…"
"Sh. We don't have to figure everything out right now. One day at a time."
"But I am so…so…" His face was warm, wet, and sticky. He felt as though he were going to suffocate, which wasn't really the way he wanted to die. His arms feebly moved to remove the cheap plastic object from his face. He struggled to hold them up as his hands fumbled for the strings. She reached up to help him, her hands briefly brushing against his. They finally removed the mask, and he placed it on the nightstand. Shaking, he lay back down. He felt her watching him.
He froze as she leaned in. He felt a softness on his bare cheek, a warmth. She was kissing him. It was only brief, and then she lay back down.
He felt her acceptance.
He did not know if he could keep her.
But at least he had her for a moment, a night.
She was so grateful when he allowed her to stay with him. He allowed her to be kind to him, to touch him. He at least somewhat trusted her.
In the early morning hours, with his little strength, he had turned toward her. Not knowing what he wanted, she had helped him come to her. He had buried his face into her shoulder, a hand resting on the top of her chest, his fingers curled. On her back, she had wrapped her arms around him and kissed the top of his head. She held him tightly until sunrise.
Gabby didn't knock, probably trying to give them privacy. Christine heard Erik begin to swallow frequently and sensed his physical discomfort.
Why didn't he speak up? She sadly realized that he didn't want their time together to end. Had he slept at all?
She gently moved away to give him relief. "I guess I'd better get up. Should I find Gabby?"
"Yes," he reluctantly murmured, rolling to the other side. He was reaching for his mask.
"I'll see you soon," she said. He didn't reply.
She found Gabby sitting in a plastic lawn chair outside her room, drinking a mug of coffee. "Everything okay?" Gabby asked with a twinkle in her eye.
"Yep. I think he's ready for you to see him."
Gabby nodded and left. Nadir soon came out of his nearby room, adjusting his white shirtsleeves. "Good morning, Christine. I thought I heard you out here."
"Good morning."
"Everything well?"
"Yes, I think so." She still wasn't completely comfortable talking to Nadir about Erik. "I think he's doing okay."
Nadir nodded. "Could we talk for a moment?"
"Um. Sure." She followed him into the room. He sat in a wooden chair around the little table. She sat across from him.
"We need to leave soon," Nadir began. "Don't be alarmed. I haven't seen anything suspicious. Whoever that federal man was, he kept things pretty quiet. But it's still not good to linger."
"Right. Where should we go?"
"How would you feel about going back into the mountains? I think Corey is going to take off soon. Gabby will come with us while she's needed. And I'll stay for as long as I deem it necessary." He studied her.
"That sounds great. I mean, Erik needs to get better. Then we can decide what to do long-term, right?"
"Exactly. So you trust me with this situation?"
"Well," Christine began, nervously rubbing her hands together. "I think so. I just…I need you to have some faith in him. He's so different from what I remember. So sad."
"That's because he's weak. This won't last forever."
"That may be part of it, but it's not all of it. I think he wants to change certain things about himself, but he's afraid that he can't. I can give him all the support in the world. But if he could have both of us behind him, it would be…really good."
"And I want to help him. I may at times have to be the bad cop, so to speak. Actually, I really was a cop, so - Does that make it more or less funny? I don't know." She cracked a smile at his awkward humor. "I refuse to tolerate certain behaviors."
"I do, too!" she insisted. "And he knows that. He knows that there are certain things he can't do. But he's already terrified that he's going to make a mistake. I want you to understand that."
"I do understand." Nadir shook his head. "You have quite the road ahead of you. I won't stop you from taking it. But I hope you don't have any regrets."
"I won't. I've worked so hard to get here. And the way he looks at me…I think it will be okay."
"I hope you are right." After a moment, Nadir stood and stretched. "You should probably tell Corey goodbye soon. I don't think he wants to disturb you."
"Oh! He can't leave without saying goodbye. Yes, I'll see him right now." She started to leave but paused and said, "Thank you, Nadir. For giving us a place to go."
"Least I could do," he replied. "I guess I'd better go talk to Erik now. He can't be happy with me. But maybe some time with you has softened him up?"
Christine laughed. "Maybe. Holler if you need me."
"Believe me – I will."
Nadir soon entered the room, and Erik sharply looked at him. Then Erik glanced away and seemed disappointed.
Nadir inwardly grinned. He supposed that he wasn't quite as attractive as Christine. "Hello, Erik. How are you feeling?"
"Perfectly fine."
"I'm sure you're not happy with me. You don't know how sorry I am for what happened. I will take the full blame for all that."
"She is alive," Erik replied. "If she were not, I would have killed you."
"I suppose so." Nadir sat in a chair across from him. "How are you really doing, Erik?"
"Fine."
"Did you have a good talk with Christine?"
"…Yes."
"Good. I've told her what I think the plan should be. Now I'll tell you." Nadir filled Erik in on his talk with the strange man, including his suspicions about the government's real concerns. Then he told Erik about the cabin. "I can you keep there until your better. And then we can make some other decisions." Erik didn't say anything. "Corey is leaving. Gabby will come up for a little while to make sure that you're okay. Then she'll go."
"And yourself?" Erik asked.
"I'm going to stick around until I determine that everything is…"
"Not going to be a disaster."
"Yes."
"And Christine."
"She can do whatever she wants. But I think you know what she wants." Erik blinked. Nadir hesitantly continued, "You have a real second chance instead of an artificial one. You'll call me a nuisance and a busybody, but I'll stick around to make sure everything's okay. Surely that's worth what you're being offered. What do you think?"
"I can barely think, Khan. I can barely move."
"I realize that. And I realize that you can't even make a decision right now. Your real decision will come once you're back to your old self, when you're stronger than Christine and me. All you can do today is say 'yes' or 'no.'"
"Do you expect me to say 'no'?" Erik murmured.
Nadir nearly snorted. "Why would you even consider it?"
"Because I am horrible. And she is perfect."
"Hm. You have regrets, don't you? That's good. It shows strength. Even I sometimes have trouble admitting when I'm wrong."
"Vaughan and Christine."
"Before that." Nadir leaned forward. "I used you to move up in my career."
"I know. You were smart to do so."
"But I told myself that you didn't care, that you enjoyed that life. I didn't acknowledge what it was doing to your psyche. And, once I finally pulled you out, I expected you to easily get over it. That was wrong, and I am sorry."
Erik rolled his eyes. "Khan. I was beyond help anyway. Beyond everything. You were much less horrible than anyone else I knew back then. Do not think on it."
"You weren't beyond help, Erik. I just didn't have the patience to give it to you." Nadir looked toward the door. "Anyway, we had our time – and it was exciting and utterly screwed up. But that's over now. Now it's about what's doing best for her. And, the thing is, I can't answer that question. You are the only one who knows if you can be good to her. If you can be unselfish with her. If you can stop treating all of humanity as the enemy. I can't do that for you. Neither can she."
A long silence followed. Erik could only say, "I love her."
"I know."
"I want more time with her."
"You'll get as much time as she gives you."
Erik didn't say anything after that. At first, Nadir was a little disappointed that he didn't receive a firmer answer from Erik. But then Nadir supposed that was for the best. A cocky, confident Erik declaring that he had everything under control – well, that might have been the first sign that everything was not going to be fine at all.
But the hesitation…the fragility…the fear – Nadir took all of that as a sign that Erik at least grasped the seriousness of this situation.
And so when Christine returned to that room, returned to Erik's side – Nadir felt slightly less worried for her as he departed.
