FIRELINK SHRINE
The immediate issue Lex faced was how to sneak the corrupted Beatrice past the Four Knights, who would understandably be less merciful to a creature of Darkness. Ultimately, they decided to warp her to the sewer exit at the base of Blighttown. There, Quelana could sneak out and seal her in a place where she didn't pose an immediate danger to everyone in New Izalith. That done, he could simply walk in through the front gate without suspicion. After a quick nap, it would be right back to work.
It was far too soon that he found himself again at Firelink, alone this time. Wilhelm had been too shocked to say anything before, when a veritable parade of legends had passed him by, but now he quickly tossed his playing cards to the ground and chased after the prophet.
"Now what was that all about?" the crestfallen warrior asked, bewildered. "The rest were hard to tell, but I can recognize the Dragonslayer Captain, even if he's got a different coat of paint!"
"Well, I wasn't there to see it, but apparently, Raven-Haired Velka went and overthrew the Dark Sun, so the Four Knights and their blacksmith escorted him out of Anor Londo."
"You mean to tell me the gods haven't forsaken this wretched land?"
"Well, one didn't. Technically, only Gwyndolin and Velka are gods. Which is confusing, because Ornstein explicitly meets the established criteria. I must be missing something."
"The Four-?! That one who was missing an arm? I looked upon the face of the Abysswalker?"
Wilhelm's voice was shaking with awe. Lex sighed.
"Man, we really need to get you downstairs. I mean, I'm guessing that Oscar filled you in, but I'm married to a primordial demon witch, so this is just kind of ordinary at this point."
"Well, forgive me for trying to hold onto the last vestiges of a normal life in this land of nightmares," the warrior cracked.
Lex was surprised he had the energy for sass and simply shrugged.
"Nah, it's cool. We need someone to keep Anastacia company, after all. Now that Quelaav is up and walking around, we're trying to see how far away from her fire a Keeper can get. We just need to get a hacksaw or something to get her out of that cell. You could go back to sitting in your old spot."
"I'd like that," Wilhelm sighed. "It's nice to have company, but sitting on the grass in armor is no fun at all, and I'm not about to take it off when maniacs like that murderer could show up at any time."
"Fair enough. I'll see if Andre or Vamos can get something done when I head back. Well, I've got to clear out the Catacombs, so I'll be seeing you, then."
The warrior nodded, so Lex headed up into the chapel. Frampt, well and wide awake as he was fond of saying, was surprised to see him.
"Chosen Undead! I heard the Bell and thought you had fallen. I am pleased to see you well."
"Oh, yeah, we were just using the Bell as a we- well, a thing," the cleric said quickly, remembering that Frampt might have been on Velka's side and not wanting to give away how involved with Izalith he was. "But yeah, I already went ho- well, I don't think you'll have to worry about me dying. I'm pretty motivated, and crippling injuries aren't as traumatizing anymore. Anyway, I'm off to face the Gravelord. I'll get back to you when I've got all four Lord Soul scraps."
"As you wish," Frampt said plainly. "I shall await your return."
Lex nodded and headed past the Serpent and up the stairs toward the graveyard. He headed back down the next flight and moved through the graveyard quickly, taking long, measured steps and staying just ahead of the slowly-reassembling skeletons. Soon enough, he'd descended to a cave, a pair of pillars and bricked walls marking the beginning to the domain of the dead.
THE CATACOMBS
A skeleton wielding a scimitar and shield ran up at Lex, but he promptly hacked through it and continued power walking through. Glowing pink shrunken heads floated through the air toward him, but he moved just fast enough that they couldn't catch up. Another skeleton waited for him at the bottom of the stairs, but as it brandished its sword and glared menacingly with its sorcerous eyes of blue flame, he walked right past it. Through the doorway, the path ended abruptly, but even still, he continued, landing on a pile of bones and armor, the remains of previous intruders. Without a care in the world, he slid down the bodies and continued past a pair of well-worn statues to the left.
"Put your elbow up tight! Take a step with the right! Tilt your head to the side! Smile real, real wide! Leo Strut!"
Going through the passage, he quickly veered left again, passing through a hole in the wall. At last, he ended his leisurely pace and sprinted down the ramp, toward the far side of the cave. Seeing a skeleton, he began to swing but quickly stopped himself when he noticed what it was wearing. The half-hollowed necromancer in ratty robes he had expected was nowhere to be seen. Instead, the suit-wearing skeleton from the wedding was seated next to the bonfire, playing a pleasant melody on a xylophone made of bones.
"Ah, Chosen Undead! I had hoped you would find this passage before moving on. I did so wish to apologize again for disrupting the festivities on your happy day. I take it you're having no problems with the married life? I never was much interested in it for myself, but I very much enjoy watching the dynamic between all the various relations."
Lex stared blankly for a moment before he could change gears from "kill" to "talk."
"Uh… yeah. It's great. We figured out that we could use your song to actually sleep instead of just running around as tireless immortals, so that was nice. Plenty of cuddling. And we used it against, uh, well, the person who absorbed the Four Kings' soul shard."
"Interesting! I had suspected it may have an effect on Dark as well as Death, but I could not say for certain. How fortuitous! Ah, but I won't keep you! You have better things to do than listen to an old bag of bones rattle on, but I must admonish you for one failing.
You may have seen, but in case you hadn't: the main door has already been unsealed. From what I have learned, this was done by the Knight of Thorns on your behalf. That was a terrible mistake, you must know. Dear Leeroy has had to work harder than ever to keep the monsters within from escaping."
"Oh. My bad. I didn't even realize. I'm so used to rushing to kill the necromancer in here that I forgot there was even a door."
"'Used to,' you say? An interesting turn of phrase for a prophet, but I'll not dig. Still, can I entrust the elimination of that deicidal abomination to you? If you slay the master, I ought to be able to clean up any of his useless apprentices you miss."
"Too easy."
"Splendid. Allow me walk you in. I shall hold the gate whilst you make your attempt. Keep your eyes open as you descend – Leeroy's summon sign ought to be around somewhere."
The cleric nodded, then shook his leg to relieve a minor tickle. As he looked down, he noticed a stream of bugs crawling about his feet, some of which had begun to climb up onto him.
"Oh gods, it's worse than Izalith! It's worse than that one camping trip!"
He quickly tried to shake them off, hopping on one foot then the other while the skeleton chuckled to himself. Eventually, Lex got them all off and attuned to the bonfire before following his strange companion back out of the cave. While the cleric took extra effort to avoid stepping into the ever-present swarms, the skeleton paid them no heed, and they in turn went right past his dry bones.
"Don't mind them. They're a vital part of the ecosystem here, a sad necessity in these times. In years long past, the bodies interred here were respected and allowed to deteriorate in silence. As the Fire died, graverobbers inevitably came – and were slain by the traps as they deserved. Yet as the corpses piled up, they attracted these delightful creatures.
Quite harmless to the living – and the Undead, though I suspect you would not enjoy watching them feast upon corpses. No, what's truly disgusting is the presence of those so-called necromancers. They do not respect Death nor the dead – it is Life they seek, the art of resurrection, as if it could be found here."
As they exited the cave, two skeletons began to assemble themselves. Lex hacked through one easily enough, using the weight of the weapon more than the blade. The well-dressed skeleton had a more appropriate weapon in the form of his cane, and he simply smashed the skull of the other one with the top. He leaned on it and gestured to the open passage ahead, statues lining the walls.
"I do wish you luck, my boy. I shall catch up when I can. You don't want this leg of mine slowing you down."
"Sure, thanks," Lex said awkwardly. "Um. Who were you, again?"
"Ah, I did neglect to introduce myself, so caught up as I've been in the matters at hand – both here and at your reception. You may call me Antony. I am one of the many dead interred here. I was acquainted with Vamos during his stay, though I must admit I invited myself."
"Oh, no, that's fine, I guess. At this point, we're kind of collecting every sane person in Lordran, so it's not that big a deal if someone new shows up."
"An admirable philosophy! But don't let me talk you to death. Go on and give those necromancers what for!"
With that, the cleric nodded and headed into the sealed inner catacombs, glancing over his shoulder once just to make sure this wasn't a Maldron the Assassin situation. Beyond was a massive cavern of spiraling ramps crossed with impassable bridges. He looked to the cave opposite the entrance, but the necromancer was again missing as a result of Kirk's passage. As he walked further in, a skeleton began rolling toward him like a bladed wheel, though the sight was itself rather ridiculous. He easily sidestepped and hacked the creature in two.
Down the same ramp, two more charged him, but they were likewise dispatched with ease. Their necromancer already dead, the main danger posed by the skeletons was gone. The cleric started toward the bridge connecting to the next cave but paused, instead looking down. He took a deep breath on seeing the distance, but there was a broken bridge below that just barely stretched beneath him. Lex swallowed and slowly let himself down the ledge.
He swore as he dropped himself and rolled forward, toward a wall. Behind him, one of the bizarre floating heads exploded, showering him with the razor-sharp remains of a skeleton. The pain from the combination of lacerations and probably-broken legs was unbearable, but the cleric bit his lip and quickly cast a healing spell. After shaking off the bizarre feeling of the sudden lack of agony, he approached the ledge again and dropped off onto an even lower platform. Here, there was a clump of souls on the desiccated corpse of a hollow and the white summon sign of the Undead Paladin Leeroy.
Lex traced the mark while healing his aching legs again. The paladin rose from the ground, the white glow of his phantom body making the gold and ivory of his armor all the more brilliant. Polished brass plates with reliefs depicting the saints of Thorolund made up the bulk of his holy armor, draped with skirts of white silk tattered by years of adventuring yet somehow kept clean. In one hand, he held the holy shield Sanctus, and in the other, the holy greathammer Grant.
"Hail, Prophet!" he shouted in Lex's face. "I had hoped you would join me in this fight!"
"So this is what it's like being famous," the cleric mumbled.
"Speak up, brother!"
"Uh, there's actually a party from Thorolund up ahead. For some reason, they couldn't find the Rite of Kindling on Pinwheel, so they went further in. Obviously, this was a bad idea, but to make matters worse, they either have or are about to stumble upon 'Trusty Patches,' who has a deep-seated hatred of clerics. Two of the four will hollow, and a third will desert, leaving the princess alone in there."
"House Thorolund itself is falling Undead? We really are running out of time! Come on, brother, there's no time to waste! For Thorolund!"
Before Lex could say anything else, the paladin charged off the platform and into a darkened crevasse. The prophet followed as quickly as he could, skeletons affixed to spiked wheels nipping at his heels by the time he rushed through the fog gate. On the other side was an utterly enormous coffin, easily large enough for the illusory Gwynevere. Its lid was open, and a splash echoed from within.
"Who dares-?" a choking voice hissed.
"LEEROY OF THOROLUND!"
There was a sound of bones snapping like twigs, and the fog faded without Lex ever having truly entered the boss arena. He sighed and hopped down into the coffin before the bonewheels noticed the fog was gone. The phantom paladin had already gone, but the leering Mask of the Father lay face-down at the end of the pool in the middle. The entire far end of the coffin was filled with books, tools of butchery, and hanging skeletons with their hands and feet cut off.
"Aaaand no chance for interrogation. Crap. Well, hopefully, Leeroy will be fast enough to save Vince and Nico, but they've probably been dead for a while now, haven't they?"
He sighed and put the mask in his bag before heading over to the ladder. Beyond the coffin was an utter darkness that, strangely, was even purer than the Abyss. The Abyss was like looking at black on a computer screen – it was still actually light. This was the darkness of a cloudy, moonless night in the countryside. A trail of prism stones led into the distance, but their glow was washed away in the inky blackness.
TOMB OF THE GIANTS
He walked to one, then the next, watching his feet carefully. A demigod-sized coffin continued the path before him, the third prism stone on its far end. Passing it, he looked to the next, seeing the cold glare of sorcerous fire near it – another skeleton hidden in the darkness. As he edged toward it, he stumbled and looked down. At his feet was wooden dinnerware and the ashes of an actual campfire, with real wood instead of a magical sword. A few paces ahead, he found something unexpected.
"Rope! After all this time, rope!"
Though it hadn't been a usable item in the game so much as an environmental decoration, he gleefully put the heavy coil into his bag before continuing. As he took his first steps down the slope toward the next stone, the skeleton leapt at him. He rolled the way he had come and lurched forward as he rose, hacking at its side. This one was much larger, the size that would be interred in the coffin he had crossed over, though like the human-sized ones, it wielded a curved sword rather than a straight sword as would a demigod. It chattered at him and held the end of its blade to chop at him like a guillotine, but he spun and cut again, this time scattering the bones.
Carefully, he continued to the prism stone and turned in search of the next. It was still further down, though he was treated to an amazing view. The cavern wall ahead had crumbled, and the red light of Izalith made a frail attempt at encroaching on the blackness. By the time he had reached the stone, he could clearly make out the massive dome of the Witch's palace. If he lay down on the stone to angle past the rocks, he could even see the side of the new…Chaos Sen's Fortress? He shuddered.
"Hey Quelaag?"
"Yes, dearest?" she said absently, apparently busy.
"I can see our house from here."
There was that usual pause where she sighed and the ring failed to pick it up.
"That's nice, dear."
"Hey. This is the Tomb of Giants. Not the sar-Chasm of the Abyss."
"Please stop talking."
"You know you love it!"
There was no further response, possibly because Quelaag decided to groan for the next half hour, so Lex stood up and continued on his way. He climbed atop an angled coffin to his left and slid down its length to the next stone, which was at the base of another such coffin. Instead of continuing, he turned right and rolled past the flailing of another huge skeleton, grabbing a soul clump from a corpse before hopping down to a short ridge. He jumped down again, sliding on the side of a coffin, then stepped off quickly to grab a humanity off another corpse on a ledge. Stuffing the two souls into his bag, he hopped down, slid down a rope ladder, and used the bonfire to warp back down to Izalith.
