A/N: This would have been posted hours ago, but I had no power. Bad storms here. I agree with the reviews. Alex is sexy even when she is a bitch. Perhaps even more so. I watched 'Self Destruct' before work. lol Gotta say, I love that episode.

Thank you for the reviews and PMs. They are awesome - and you are all awesome! ;)

I'm sure the AO3 version will have a few extra scenes added.


Rachel smiled at Alex. "Balcony eh? They won't unlock elevators til half past so what say we stroll up the stairs?"

Alex grinned "Five floors in these shoes?" she shrugged. "Why not?" They took their time and found themselves faced by an old man bearing playbills. They smiled at him before Alex pulled them back down to the landing. Rachel looked at her curiously.

Alex looked back as she rounded the stairs. She saw no one else in the stairway. She grabbed Rachel by the hand and pulled her into an embrace. Her lips passionately moving over Rachel's as her hands moved to her ass gripping. "Mmm...I love your dress...but I can't wait to get you out of it." She pulled back and with a smile drew her companion back up to the man with the playbills.

Alex led the way down the steep stairs to the front of the balcony. A long drop just a foot in front of the low railing led the quickest way to the floor. A low melodic hum sound heralded the orchestra. As they warmed up the enormous chandelier began to dim.

Rachel gazed at Alex. She looked so beautiful in the little mini cocktail dress she wore. The color matched her eyes, and the spaghetti straps revealed those perfect collarbones and shoulders. Oh, how she wanted to run her lips over those right now. Her thoughts became more lustful as she gazed. The length of the dress just above the knee showed off her long legs. It took all of her self control to keep her hands from trailing up those legs in the darkness of the balcony. Rachel fought back tears as she did her best to memorize every fine detail of the evening, and especially every detail of the Russian heiress sitting to her right. She ran her fingers into the ends of Alex's curly hair. Alex returned her gaze. The smile on her face warm and inviting. She gazed into Rachel's eyes before leaning toward her ear. "You look beautiful tonight. I can't wait to get you home." Rachel smiled at her, inhaling her perfume. The evening had been perfect. A small part of her felt guilt for what was coming next, but she reminded herself that this was not about their relationship. This was about the love of her life. Nikita was right. Alex needed help and she had to put personal feelings a side.


The black Ferrari Enzo sped down the dark side street. Alexandra's need for speed often unnerved Rachel whose focus shifted from fear to lust in seconds. Rachel unbuckled her seat belt and turned facing Alex. She ran her hands up the brunette's smooth leg and under her dress as she kissed her gently curving throat. Alex's breath caught at the powerful sensations. She tried to focus on the road in front of her as she drove, but Rachel's persistence was getting the better of her.

"Alex, pull over." Rachel whispered in a sultry tone, nipping her earlobe.

"We'll be home soon."

"Please."

Alex licked her lip as she turned the wheel to the right and slammed on the brakes. She unbuckled her belt with lightening speed and moved into Rachel. Her hands roughly pulling at her hair as she devoured her mouth. "Alex." Rachel whispered between kisses. "I love you... I would do anything for you."

Alex pulled back to meet her eyes. "I know, baby." Rachel ran her fingers over Alex's breasts and up to her neck. She trailed kisses the length of her neck before she slipped the syringe into her hand and pushed it into the side of Alex's neck. Alexandra's eyes widened before she fell forward against Rachel. Rachel leaned her back into the driver's seat biting her lip and trying not to sob. She ran her hands over the brunette's face as tears pooled in her pale blue eyes. "It's going to be okay now."

Nikita opened the passenger door while Micheal took the driver's side.

"Good job. Let's get her home."


The room was spinning when Alex came to. She didn't recognize the room as it came into focus. She sat up quickly, her head spinning. She groaned, her head immediately dropping into her hand. The chains rattled as she looked angrily at the leather restraints around her wrists. She pulled furiously at her bindings as she surveyed the room. Spotting the camera on the ceiling she began to scream. "Where am I?" These words rang harshly against the walls over and over until her throat grew hoarse.

Nikita swung open the bedroom door. "Alex, you're awake. Good."

"You! Let me out of this."

Nikita made calming moves with her hands as she stayed well away from the range of the chains. "Just relax."

Rachel entered the room behind Nikita. Alex caught sight of her turning her anger from Nikita to Rachel instantly. "How could you...you little traitor. I'll never forgive you for this Rachel."

"I did it for you."

"For me? We're done. Over! Do you hear me? I hate you. Get out...get out..get out of here. I never want to see you again."


Nikita and Micheal began their attempts to deprogram Alex from the moment she woke up in a rage. They took turns wearing the Russian girl down for days, before they placed printed copies of Amanda's notes from their sessions on the bed.

She used every swear word in every language she knew as thank you for their efforts. A week passed before Alex's rage turned to sorrow. She had many reasons to be angry at Nikita, and Nikita knew it. But this wasn't about that now. This was about Amanda's wicked games. This was about the mind control that had driven Alex into the Abyss she fought for years. This was about restoring the balance Nikita taught her when they first met. A balance that Alex needed to come back from the darkness and see clearly.

Alex spread the pages of Amanda's journal out across the bed. She rocked back and forth crying as she read and reread the pages over and over.

The subject is aware of the sessions, but unable to link them to a change in behavior. She holds no memory of what occurs during.

Alexandra has been my most successful case to date. Utilizing the post traumatic stress disorder already in place. The subject can be forced into a dissociative state within seconds of trigger words.

Stimulating areas of the brain during programming has been successful. Pharmaceuticals unnecessary to achieve desired results.

Alex tried to remember their sessions, but her mind went blank at every attempt. Her frustration grew until she began to crumble the pages and throw them at the wall.

"WHY can't I remember... WHY!" She screamed. Her hand met the lamp on the nightstand before she through it violently into the wall. She kicked and punched at the wall. Every object in sight a target of her uncontrolled rage. She slid down the wall, sobbing. Nikita ran through the door. Alex rocked back and forth in the corner of the room. "Why...Why...Why can't I remember." She cried. She crouched on her knees in the corner of the room.

"It's okay, Alex. You don't have to remember what she did. We will get through this...together." Nikita crouched down in front of the brunette. "Let me help you, Alex."

Alexandra sobbed into Nikita, wrapping her arms around her neck. Nikita pulled Alex to her knees, and held her in her arms. A desperation coursed through the younger woman. Her lips found Nikita's mouth, her hands her hair. "Alex, This will confuse things more."

"Please, I need you. Just make it all go away." Nikita closed her eyes. Her lips lightly pressing against the younger woman, before she grabbed her face and kissed her deeply.

Rachel stood in the shadow of the door way. She wanted to be angry, but she couldn't. She found the scene before her heartbreaking. She closed her eyes trying to put back the piece of her that shattered. She'd sacrificed so much of herself to please Alex -gave her everything she wanted - but none of that was enough. Here was Alex wrapped in Nikita's arms.

Months back when she met Nikita for the first time, she had the sinking feeling that if it ever came down to this she would lose horribly. At the time, she was determined to make it a bloody fight for the Russian heiress' heart though. But now... something had changed in her. Something had broken. She looked at the way they gazed into one another; and she knew she had to bow out with some grace.

Alex deserved Nikita's strong healing arms, and Nikita deserved a second chance to mend both of their hearts from past mistakes. As long as she was around, she knew that could never happen. Even if Alex forgave her, which she doubted, it would be wrong of her to deny them a chance to work things out. Nikita had spent years fighting for Alex. Rachel respected and admired Nikita. She hand become sponsor, mentor, family in the span of a short time. She knew just how much she loved Alexandra.

What was left for her at the end of this? Saving Alex, making her whole again, meant the end of their relationship. It was doubtful that Alex could ever forgive her. She surmised that she had lost her Alex the moment she placed that needle into her neck. And there was another rub. Did her Alex really exist? The Alex that loved her was surely not the same wrapped up in Nikita's arms, kissing her. No, her Alex was born inside the walls of Division in Percy's office and Amanda's chair. Her Alex was just a small part of the larger whole.

All of it came down to one thing. A lady always knows when to leave. Rachel was in the way, and Alex hated her for the betrayal. She stepped backwards quietly into the shadow of the hallway. She took a final look toward Alex, as if to memorize her face, and she turned on her heel and walked away.