Hey there FF readers. I just wanted to say thanks to all of you. I really appreciate all the time you've all taken to read this insanely long story of mine, and I also really appreciate all the introspective, kind, and amazing reviews, alerts, adds, and messages I've received. Enjoy the next chapter! Ironically enough, I'll be traveling in the upcoming week and I'm not sure when the next one will be posted.
Happy reading :)
"Say what you say. Say it so well. Just say you will wait, like snow on the rail. I've been combing the train yard for some kind of sign. Even my own self, it just don't seem like mine."
-Gregory Alan Isakov, "3am."
As predicted, Gideon did not sleep one nanosecond that night, and he hadn't even bothered to try after having a few drinks with Hotch. If restless pacing and absent-minded channel surfing was penance for his behavior, then Gideon worked the two like they were a rosary and he was hunched over a wooden pew. When he finally couldn't take it any longer, Gideon fumbled around his home for his car keys, wallet, credentials, phone, and fleece jacket. Once in the possession of all five items, Jason stomped to his car. Whatever battle Reid had in store for him was fine, but he could not sit with himself, and his blatant betrayal, much longer.
It was a chilly morning and pockets of fog floated inches above the ground. His footsteps echoed off the pavement, resounding off his apartment building's brick makeup before thudding back to his ears. Most of the cars in the lot were covered in a thin layer of mist, and Gideon sat for a few moments in his vehicle, shivering as the heater spewed cold air before it jump-started to life with blasted artificial heat.
"Reid," Jason said aloud to the empty car. "I know you don't want to see me or want anything to do with me, but we need to talk about this..." Too cliche, his brain warned. Gideon cleared his throat, practicing his speech again.
"I know you're upset with me, Spencer. I know I lost your trust. I know it will take a while to gain that trust back, if ever. We can't pretend that this didn't happen, though. It will interfere with work and with the team..." Gideon growled in frustration, banging his fists against the steering wheel. The car swerved into the left lane, and Jason tipped it back with a slight flick of the wrist. Thankfully, it was early and no one had been driving next to him.
"That'll work, Gideon. Make him feel guilty and unable to do his job. That's all he needs." He mumbled. What would you want to hear in that situation? He asked himself.
"I'd want a frank admittance of wrongdoing." He confessed. "And I'd want to know that the person was genuinely sorry. I'd also want my feelings to be validated..." Gideon trailed off, sighing deeply. He knew better than most how Reid would belittle his own thoughts and emotions. He'd somehow warp Jason's actions, however wrong, into his responsibility.
"Why'd you do it, Gideon?" He questioned himself. The empty, increasingly warmer car, provided no answers that Gideon could salvage. When his stomach growled, Jason acquiesced to its demands, pulling into a parking spot located next to a coffee shop. He wasn't ready to go to Reid's just yet. He wasn't ready to face himself just yet.
It was warm and inviting in the tiny cafe. Gideon stood, inhaling the refreshing scent of ground coffee beans and baked goods. It was still early, but there was already a small line. Jason waited behind a tall man in a rumpled suit, debating if he should get more than one muffin. Figuring Reid would enjoy something sweet, Gideon ordered two blueberry, one corn, and one chocolate chip. With two coffees warming each hand and the bag of baked goods shoved under his arm, Gideon headed back to his car. It was cowardly to arrive at Reid's with gifts, but, lately, Jason Gideon did not feel like a strong man.
At a red light, Gideon sipped his hot coffee delicately, watching how morning commuters streamed out the full bus parked on left side of the road. The train station was also to his left, and Gideon wondered where everyone was going. Were these travelers heading to some far-off home they'd left without a glance behind them? Were they preparing apologize to some lover or friend? Mostly, however, Gideon realized, many were heading off to work. Because it was a weekend, Jason saw mostly construction workers with plastic lunch boxes, cleaning woman wearing practical shoes and head wraps, and bleary eyed, probably still drunk, college kids donned in a variety of retail uniforms. Gideon studied the strangers a bit longer, allowing the momentary distraction from his upcoming apology. The last occupant off the bus was tall, lanky, and carrying a messenger bag that looked very familiar. Jason blinked, straining his eyes. The bag looked too familiar.
"What the hell..." He mumbled, already reacting without registering his hands on the wheel or his foot on the gas peddle. When the light switched to green, Gideon drove straight, turning into the parking lot with blinding speed. It wasn't too full, and he swerved into an empty spot, shoving the car in park, and twisting the key to the side with so much force that his fingers jammed into the steering wheel. However, the pain didn't stop him and, soon, Jason was jogging to the station. If he let Reid out of his sight too long, Gideon knew he'd lose him for good.
"What are you up to, Spencer?" He mumbled to himself, shoving the door to the station open with a surge of noise and warm air.
The once-full bus made the station bustle with activity. A Starbucks line broke through the rush and, reflexively, Gideon scanned the coffee-wanting patrons for Spencer. When he didn't spot him, he turned towards the ticket counters, hoping that Reid hadn't already disappeared behind the spinning bars that led to the platforms. Unlike the rest of the station, the ticket windows weren't too crowded. Jason moved closer, squinting until he saw a familiar sight: Reid's messenger bag was sticking out of one line. He was at a window, shoving his wallet into his back pocket. Unwilling to be seen just yet, Jason dove behind a pillar when Reid walked just a few feet away. For a moment, the kid stared at his ticket before glancing to the departure boards. In a few long strides, he headed towards Gate E. With a quick glance around, Gideon jumped the spinning bars and took quick steps to catch up to Reid.
And it was one hell of a game of catch up. Had Reid always been this tall and moved this quickly? And since when did he walk so erratically, dodging and weaving around garbage receptacles, benches, potted plants, and display boards? Periodically, Reid stopped, studying his ticket for reassurance. During these moments, Gideon tried to duck behind the nearest covering.
"What are you doing, kid?" He asked Reid in a whispered breath. On cue as if Spencer heard, he stopped, back rigid and shoulders hunched. Gideon slammed to a stop when did. Before he had a chance to hide, Reid spun on his heels. They both men studied each other from across the room. Reid tilted his head and, without being sure if he or Reid took the first step, they were face to face.
Jason studied Reid's freshly shaven cheeks and chin, dark purple eye circles, and thin, cracked lips. The kid's eyes were bloodshot, as if he had been crying all night. With a pang of guilt, Jason realized he may as well have been. Reid cleared his throat and shuffled his feet, but did not meet Gideon's contemplative gaze. Around the two agents, the loud-speaker crackled to life, announcing new arrivals and departures. From somewhere in the station, a baby wailed. Gideon blinked, but the station and its occupants did not come into focus.
"I have to say," When he finally spoke, Reid's voice was calm and even, unlike how it had sounded hours earlier, "I didn't think you'd be able to keep up with me." Gideon tried to suppress his dumbfounded look, but his surprise didn't go unnoticed by Reid's innate ability to read facial expressions.
"I saw you at the red light when I was on the bus. I knew you'd see me if I was the last one off because that light is notoriously long. Actually," he mentioned, "It's about three minutes long, which is about two and a fourth minutes longer than most of the lights around here." Gideon didn't know whether to rejoice or cry. Reid was quoting statistic, profiling him, and, to his complete shock, actually talking to him as if the events of the previous night had not occurred.
"Where are you going?" Gideon asked, sputtering out his words in one breath. Reid raised his eyebrows at the question.
"Nowhere important. I'll be back before work on Monday."
"So just an overnight?" Jason pried. Reid met his stare with a resolute one, tilting backwards slightly, as if to physically distance himself from Gideon.
"That's none of your business." The defensiveness Gideon had expected emerged, but it felt different. Reid still sounded angry, but he wasn't livid. The kid wasn't good at staying mad, especially if it was directed at people he cared about. Knowing he could ignite Reid's anger, Gideon pushed.
"Wherever you're going, why don't you let me take you there?" Reid didn't flinch, but his eyes narrowed.
"That's not necessary. I already bought my ticket anyway." He held up his hand and the laminated paper flapped back and forth. Jason resisted the urge to snatch it from his long fingertips.
"Come on, Reid. It's the least I can do. Please, I owe you." It was the closest to an apology Jason could manage to muster for now. If anything, he figured the kid was heading the next state over. A few days earlier, he read in the newspaper about a scifi convention. No doubt, Reid wanted to bathe in sheer geekdom before returning to the BAU.
"Fine." Gideon was surprised at the lack of argument and he stood, momentarily quieted. Why had Reid agreed so easily?
"I'm going to try and return my ticket, but why don't you get your car? I'll meet you out front." Amazed, Gideon nodded and both he and Reid walked silently forward, separating at the ticketing booths. Halfway to his car, however, Gideon's brain started working. What if this was just an elaborate trick? What if Reid lied and was now boarding a train for wherever it was that he was planning on going? Feeling the old well of guilt in his stomach, Gideon quickened his pace, reaching his car when a thin line of sweat formed at his hairline.
But Reid was there, messenger bag and all, fidgeting in front of the station. When he spotted Gideon's car, he climbed in, placing his bag on the floor before carefully folding his long legs into the passenger's seat. He didn't immediately reach for his buckle and Jason took notice, shifting the car into park.
"Is this mine?" Reid asked, reaching for the coffee in the passenger's side holder. Jason nodded. He had forgotten all about stopping a half hour earlier.
"There are muffins too." Gideon nodded towards the paper bag situated on the console between the two agents. Reid eyed the offering, but did not reach for it as he had with the coffee. Digging into his pocket, Jason groped for a handful of sugar packets.
"Here. I thought you'd like more sugar." Reid took them with a curt bob of his head that reminded Gideon of Hotch. He watched as the kid pinched the cardboard cup between his knees, tore into five packets at once, and dumped the stray crystals into the container. With the cover soon returned to its place, Reid took a long swig. This isn't right, Gideon registered. Something is definitely wrong here. Reid was sipping coffee and sitting patiently, as if he didn't have one thought in his mind. Gideon knew the kid's brain never stopped and, suddenly, it made sense: Reid was calm. Too calm. It was the kind of calm that told Gideon that Reid was downright petrified.
"So, Spencer." He began. Reid didn't budge his eyes from his intense stare at the dashboard. "Want to tell me why you're so nervous?"
"I'm not nervous."
"No, you're not." Gideon agreed. "You're absolutely terrified right now." Reid blinked rapidly.
"Bringing coffee and muffins to my apartment is a smart trick." Reid profiled, his tone dropping a few notches. "It's also a sign of guilt. You wanted a way in and you figured that you'd try to make amends with caffeine and sugar."
"Reid-"
"I have to admit," he scoffed, "You know me well. You're right, you know. I'd probably would have let you inside." For the first time in a long time, Gideon cursed himself for being correct.
"Reid, we need to talk about what happened." Reid's eyebrows furrowed at a point in the middle of his forehead.
"Talk about what, Gideon? The fact that you read my personal journal? Or about the fact that I had a drug problem and went to rehab? Or how about we just talk about everything Hankel did? Let's just get it all out in the fucking open!" This time, Gideon was the one blinking to diffuse his surprise at Reid's anger and word choice.
"I guess not just about those things, Reid." He admitted. It felt weird, but Gideon knew something else was becoming unearthed. Something he'd been avoiding for months. Sooner or later, he realized, he'd have to let Reid know that he was losing his grip. Sooner or later, the job would get to him. Sooner or later, he'd be the one leaving suddenly-not Reid.
"What was it, then?" Reid fired, showcasing some of the rage Gideon suspected he still harbored. "Did you think you'd go to my apartment hiding in a Trojan coffee and muffin horse and all would be forgiven?" Jason sighed, rubbing his hand at the base of his neck. He could feel the accusing burn of Reid's admonishing stare. It took all of his willpower to glance upwards to meet the fiery look waiting for him.
"I dunno, Reid." Even to Gideon, his voice sounded exhausted. Reid noticed too and his expression softened. In the brief moment of silence, Gideon heard the faint, distant sound of an approaching train.
"I don't know what I expected or wanted, but I couldn't wait until Monday morning." Reid sighed this time, leaning back into the seat while closing his eyes. Jason's gaze flicked to Reid's long, trembling fingertips wrapped around his coffee cup before returning to stare at his flushed cheeks.
"Are you going to tell me where we're going?" He finally asked. Reid's eyes opened, but did not turn to face Gideon.
"I haven't forgiven you yet. It will take a while." He said in a composed tone, although Gideon sensed that Reid's walls were beginning to crumble.
"That's fair, Reid." The younger agent nodded at Gideon's words.
"I'm still really pissed at you." Reid said, his tone far softer than it had been. Jason could tell he was broken. He also had no idea why this realization made him so scared.
"That's also understandable." He appeased. Reid pursed his lips together, tightening his grip on the cup. A thin veil of silence curtained the two men. When Gideon spoke, he tried to use a gentle voice.
"Where are we going, Reid?"
"Drive south." Reid ordered as he placed the cardboard coffee cup back in its holder. Jason didn't budge when Reid twisted towards the window to buckle his seat belt. He fumbled for his own, pushing the metal into the holder with a loud click.
"I need better instructions than that, Spencer." He told the young man. For a moment, Reid's eyes filled with tears. Surprised, Jason watched his stoic expression morph into a pained one. Reid look down, exhaled, and brought his eyes to meet the older man's. The collected tears were gone, but the scared, lost look had stayed. Jason locked his gaze, unable and unwilling to break away in fear of losing even the slightest bit of trust Reid still had for him.
"Where are we going, Reid?" Gideon repeated in a low, even tone. Reid look became distant and Gideon's stomach turned and twisted in anticipation.
"Georgia." Reid said with a blank expression, turning towards the passenger's side window. "We're going to Georgia."
