The Real World: Hogwarts
Episode XVII

Summary: The Real World, continued. Olivie Advent Day 17.


[Scene opens with the professors gathered in the Headmaster's office.]

Minerva: "Listen, Albus, I really think we need to talk about this Gossip Girl situation. Some really serious accusations have come to light - "

Albus: "I know, right? Did you hear the one about that flammable Irish kid liking Bulgaria? Classic."

Minerva: "Albus, you pea-brained cuntwarbler - " [She stops, muttering to herself.] "I told myself I wouldn't lose my temper - "

Filius: [stepping forward] "Sir, if I may, I think Minerva's right. Perhaps we should investigate who is propagating this so-called Gossip Girl's claims."

Albus: [impatiently] "She's not Lord Voldemort, Filius, you can call her by her name."

Filius: [blinking] "We don't know her name, sir - "

Albus: "Well then what the fuck is it that you all do all day?"

Minerva: [furiously] "We teach! What do you do all day?!"

[Albus and Fawkes exchange glances.]

Albus: "Uh. Paperwork."

[Camera cuts to Headmaster's office hidden camera.]

Albus: [singing] "Well I guess it would be nice, if I could touch your body, I know not everybody, has got a body like you - hit it, Fawkes!"

Fawkes: [Screeches loudly, flaps wings]

Albus: "CAUSE I GOTTA HAVE FAITH - "

Minerva, yelling: "Albus, are you in there?"

[He thrusts out a hand, motioning for Fawkes to be quiet.]

Albus: "I'm very busy, Minnie - very, very busy - " [he hunts around his desk] "Where did I put those notes - ah, yes - " [he produces a scrap of paper, reading it out loud.] "Horcrux thing - something something, trick Horace into working here - okay, done, check, did that - what else, what else . . . ah, do not try on cursed horcrux ring - " [He sighs.] "Damn. I knew I forgot something."

[Camera cuts back to meeting.]

Minerva: [skeptically] "Paperwork?"

Albus: "I'M VERY BUSY AND IMPORTANT, MINNIE, GO AWAY."

[Cuts to Hermione and Cormac interview.]

Hermione: "Er, yes, so - tonight is Slughorn's Christmas party - "

Cormac: "Yes. I've been on a very carefully calculated artificial dehydration regimen so as to properly emphasize the contours of my biceps."

Hermione: "Yes. Which is, of course, important."

Cormac: [glancing sulkily at her] "Well, it would have been, except you insisted on charming the sleeves back onto my dress robes."

Hermione: [looking into the camera] "Yes. I guess I should have warned you that I can be monstrously insensitive."

Cormac: [emphatically] "You certainly should have!"

Hermione: [sighs] "Well, you have to know you weren't my first choice, Cormac."

Interviewer: "Who was, out of curiosity?"

Hermione: "Oh, er - " [she turns red.] "Well, um - Ron, of course."

Cormac: "Weasley?" [He scoffs.] "Please. Does he even lift?"

Hermione: "Lift what?"

Cormac: "Lift, Granger."

Hermione: "Lift what?"

Cormac: [impatiently] "Listen. This isn't going to work out between us if you don't have at least a mild interest in the things that are important to me. Did you even bother to remember that today was leg day?"

Hermione: "Does that matter?"

Cormac: "IT'S A VERY STRESSFUL DAY FOR ME, GRANGER."

Hermione: "Why would it be - "

Cormac: [emotionally] "I HAVE SLENDER, FEMININE CALVES, OKAY?"

Hermione: "I guess I just didn't realize that - "

Cormac: [jolts upright, wiping furiously at his eyes] "And to think, I finally thought I found someone who appreciated me for more than my exquisitely cultivated body - "

Hermione: [interrupts tentatively] "Will it make you feel better if I tell you I have no interest whatsoever in your body?"

Cormac: [straightens coldly] "Well that's just a lie, Granger."

[He leaves.]

Hermione: [looking impressed with herself] "Huh. That actually worked out nicely."

Interviewer: "I have to say, you don't actually seem all that upset about the Ron thing."

Hermione: [grimacing] "Look, don't mention that to Harry, okay? I'm really trying to make sure he doesn't catch on to the, er, extracurricular things I've gotten into - "

Interviewer: "Which are?"

[Draco appears in the distance, shouting.]

Draco: "GRANGER!"

[Hermione turns over her shoulder, shouting back.]

Hermione: "WHAT DO YOU WANT, MALFOY?"

Draco: "I WANT YOU TO FALL INTO A BOTTOMLESS PIT, YOU DISGUSTINGLY BREATHTAKING MARVEL!"

Hermione: "OH SHOVE IT, MALFOY, YOU BRUTISHLY HANDSOME DEVIANT!"

Draco: "I LOATHE YOU!"

Hermione: "I LOATHE YOU MORE!"

[He leaves. She turns back to the camera, smiling.]

Hermione: "Sorry, what was I saying?" [She stops, thinking.] "Oh, yes, well, I'm just so very devastated about Ron that I've had to go with Cormac instead."

Interviewer: [dubiously] "Oh really."

[There is a pregnant pause.]

Hermione: [sighs loudly] "Look, just don't tell Harry, okay?"

[Camera cuts to Ginny and Dean interview.]

Ginny: "Yeah, so this is pretty much a sham, right?"

Dean: "Yeah." [He stands.] "Bye."

Ginny: "Have fun, Dean. Don't tell Harry, okay?"

Dean: "Yep." [He leaves.]

Interviewer: "Why not tell Harry?"

Ginny: "Oh, I'm quite certain Harry and I belong together eventually, but he's not really ready yet."

Interviewer: "No?"

Ginny: [shaking her head] "No. And in the meantime, best he thinks I'm dating Dean - you know, let that take root, rather than letting him know the truth."

Interviewer: "Which is what?"

Ginny: [she shrugs] "That I'm young and I'm hot and I'll take my kicks where I can get them." [She looks up, seeing something.] "Ah, gotta go. There's Blaise."

Interviewer: "Blaise?"

Ginny: "Yeah. He's helping me out with something."

Lee, off screen: "IS IT AN ORGASM?"

Ginny: "Spoiler, it's an orgasm."

Lee, off screen: "I KNEW IT."

[Cuts to Luna and Harry interview.]

Harry: "Yeah, so, since Hermione was encouraging me to take a date to this thing rather than get myself dosed with a love potion/wizarding date rape drug, I thought I'd take someone I actually like."

Luna: [cheerfully] "Yes, it's so wonderful to go to a party with someone as a friend!"

[Luna gestures to follow her as she nudges off to the side; Harry hums distractedly, staring at the ceiling, as Luna whispers to the camera.]

Luna: "Harry's a bit in love with me, you see, but I think it's best not to tell him." [She glances back at him, smiling fondly.] "He means well, really, and I think I love him too, in a way, but I think it's best if he's with someone like Ginny - partially because I'm just a bit too voracious for him." [She pauses.] "Sexually, I mean. I require a certain, um - departure from the conventional, shall we say, which I suspect would upset his sensibilities." [She smiles vacantly.] "Anyway, back to the matter at hand - "

[She slides back, rejoining Harry, who smiles contentedly at seeing her.]

Harry: "Nargles?"

Luna: [indulgently] "Oh, sure. And Wrackspurts!"

[Harry nods knowingly, as if to say "I knew it," and Luna shakes her head at the camera, as if to say "he is literally without one single iota of a clue."]

Harry: "Anyway, I'd rather not be at this party. I'd prefer to be following Malfoy around." [He stops, suddenly serious.] "I don't know if you know this, but I'm sort of a brilliant detective around here."

Interviewer: "Is that so."

Harry: "Yes. I mean, I am the one who tends to put two and two together."

[Hermione ducks around a corner, darting out of sight. Draco follows shortly after.]

Harry: "I think it just takes a lot of insight into the human condition, you know? Which I have."

[Albus comes around the corner, singing to himself.]

Albus: "What I want, you've got, and it might be hard to handle, but like the flame that burns the candle, the candle feeds the flame - "

[He stops abruptly, catching sight of Harry.]

Albus: [loudly] "Er, I mean - we must all face the choice between what is right, and what is easy!"

Harry: [perks up] "That was so wise, sir!"

Albus: "I know. I should write it down." [He pulls out a small piece of parchment, scribbling.] " - something something, between what is right and what is easy - " [He pauses, looking up.] "Oh, right, there's something I should tell him about the significance of his death, I think - something about needing to die at the right time - " [He cuts off, shaking his head.] "Nevermind, that's crazy."

[He leaves.]

Harry: "Anyway, I've just got a really good understanding of what makes people tick, you know?"

[Dean walks by with Ginny; Harry's gaze follows them.]

Harry: "Ugh, those two." [He shakes his head.] "I'd be upset about them, except they're so obviously made for each other." [He pauses.] "Anyway, what was I saying?"

Luna: [blinks owlishly] "I think you covered it all, Harry."

Harry: "Thanks, Luna. You're the best."

Luna: [sighing] "Unfortunately, coming from you, that's probably an ill-founded hunch."

Harry: "What?"

Luna: "I said you betcha, Harry."

[Camera cuts to the party inside. Cormac has removed his sleeves. His biceps do look nice. His calves, unfortunately, are covered.]

Marcus: "Look, man, it's easy."

Blaise: "Yeah. Just pick three human people, okay?"

Neville: [nervously] "Okay."

Marcus: "Okay. Are you ready?"

Neville: [shaking out his shoulders] "Hold on - "

[There is a brief training montage set to "Eye of the Tiger." The first few scenes show Neville furiously taking notes as Blaise shouts instructions, most of which seem to just be names of random people who come to mind. Then Neville is seen to be drawing extremely graphic pornography as Cormac looks over his shoulder, nodding his approval. Lastly, he is shown reading a book about rare tropical herbs and fungi, which Marcus rips from his hands and throws into the lake.]

Neville: [running back in] "Okay, I've got it. Let's do it."

Blaise: "Okay. Remember. All you have to do - "

Marcus: " - is pick three people who are humans - "

Cormac: " - not plants."

Blaise: "Got it?"

Neville: [nodding] "I've got it."

Cormac: "Okay. Go."

[Neville licks his lips apprehensively.]

Neville: "Okay. Cornelius Fudge - "

Blaise: "That's what you're opening with? Okay. Fine, sure."

Neville: " - Lucius Malfoy - "

Marcus: "Oh. I mean, a little disturbing, but overall not too terrible - "

Neville: " - and Dobby the house elf."

[Blaise throws his hands in the air.]

Blaise: "I'm out, man."

Marcus: "Look, Longbottom, we specifically said human - "

Cormac: [loudly] "Yeah, and I'm leaving also, for reasons of principle, and morality - "

[He pretends to follow Blaise and Marcus, but then doubles back, muttering to Neville.]

Cormac: "Marry Dobby, fuck Lucius, kill Cornelius."

Neville: [snaps fingers] "Nailed it."

Cormac: [smugly] "Knew it."


a/n: You guys are the sweetest. I love you. Points for song titles!