After they put a very reluctant Joshua to bed, Alex and Olivia retired to their own room and got into bed. Olivia wrapped Alex into a warm embrace, and although Alex was used to being the strong one, she didn't mind the protective stance Olivia was taking toward her. She knew that when it came to her family, Olivia was like a mother bear, and she would take care of them above all else. Even if the gesture was just symbolic, Olivia seemed to take comfort in holding Alex, and to be honest, Alex took comfort in it as well.
Olivia pressed a gentle kiss to the base of her neck. "Sweet dreams for my sweet Alex," she whispered, and Alex smiled to herself.
"Sweet dreams for my sweet Olivia," she echoed, snuggling closer to her girlfriend before drifting off to sleep.
Alex woke up sweating and thrashing in the middle of the night, tracks of dried tears on her cheeks. "Please," she whispered. "No, no – please –"
Olivia started awake and when she saw Alex, she took her wrists so Alex wouldn't be able to injure herself with her thrashing. "It's okay, baby," she soothed. "You're okay. I'm here."
Alex's eyes flew open. She cringed as Olivia brushed her damp hair back from her forehead, then relaxed when she realized who it was. "Sorry," she murmured, sighing and squeezing her eyes shut. "I didn't mean to wake you."
"It's okay, princess." Olivia pulled Alex closer to her. "Bad dream?"
Alex nodded, curling into her girlfriend, her body slowly calming in Olivia's embrace. "I'm sorry," she repeated.
Olivia kissed her forehead. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Alex shook her head. "No, just –" She hated having to ask, but it was what she needed right now. "Hold me?"
The next morning, Olivia let Alex sleep in. She got Joshua up and ready and drove him to school herself, and scribbled a note for Alex in case she woke up and no one was home.
After she dropped Joshua off, she went back home and made Alex French toast and a cup of white hot chocolate. She'd never used to be much good at cooking, but three years on her own with a little boy had encouraged her to learn. Alex was going to be impressed.
She was neatly arranging the French toast on a plate with strawberries and bananas when Alex padded into the kitchen, wearing her light blue bathrobe and yawning. "Good morning," she said.
Olivia grinned. Alex Cabot yawning was possibly the most adorable sight in the entire world. "'Morning, princess. I made you breakfast."
Alex covered her mouth, stifling another yawn. "Thanks, Liv. But since when do you cook?"
"Since you weren't here to do it for me."
Alex flinched as if Olivia had slapped her. She bit her lip and sat down at the table.
Olivia mulled her words over in her head, then froze, stricken. "Wow, Alex, that came out wrong. I didn't mean it like that. I'm sorry."
"It's okay." Alex sighed. "I guess I'm just feeling . . . vulnerable."
Olivia walked over to Alex and wrapped her arms around the ADA, kissing the crown of her head. "I'm sorry, baby."
Alex closed her eyes and leaned back against Olivia. "No, I am. I guess . . . are you sure you still want me here?"
"Of course, honey. I love you."
"But it's been so long and I'm not – I'm not the same Alex you remember. Joshua –" To her horror, she felt salty tears rushing to her eyes. She blinked them back and tried again. "Joshua wrote this essay for school, about heroes. He said I was his hero. But I'm not a hero. I left you, and then I was too arrogant to even give you a chance to explain yourself. I screwed up, Liv."
"Yeah, you did. But you're here now, and that's the important thing. I forgive you, Alex. Please, forgive yourself. You made an honest mistake. I understand. And I think if you left us again, it would destroy all three of us."
"I love you, too, but –" Alex took a deep breath. "I have nightmares sometimes, and I'm jumpy, and sometimes I just want to be by myself. Sometimes I get upset and I don't even know why. I can't focus on one thing for a long time and sometimes I don't want to be touched and sometimes I just want someone to hold me. Sometimes I get scared when I shouldn't be. I never used to get scared, Liv! I used to be so brave."
"That's understandable, honey. You've been through a lot over these past few years. But you're strong, baby. I believe in you. And I'm here for you, no matter what. Through thick and through thin, forever and always. That's what love is, baby, and I love you."
Alex buried her head in her hands. "You have no idea what it's like!"
"You're right, baby. I don't. But I will do whatever you need me to do, whatever it takes to make you feel safe. I will always protect you, sweetie. You're always safe with me."
"You couldn't protect me before."
Olivia flinched. "I know, and I'm sorry. But Velez is dead, and Robert is never going to hurt you ever again, I promise."
"How can you be so sure?"
Olivia thought about it. "I'm going to arrest him for battery and sexual assault."
Alex sighed. "No, Olivia. I'm not pressing charges, and you can't get an indictment without a complaining witness. I'm not parading my personal life in front of my colleagues – again."
Olivia wanted to argue, but she thought the better of it and bit her lip, instead giving Alex a hug and resting her cheek on the crown of her girlfriend's head. "Okay, baby. But tell me, what can I do to help?"
Alex looked at the ground. "Just let me – let me –" Finally she just went with what she really wanted to say. "Love me?"
Olivia took Alex's hands in her own, her deep chocolate eyes full of sadness. "Oh, baby, I do. I've always loved you, ever since I met you and you gave that pretentious little speech about standing on Cragen's shoulders to reach a broader constituency. I've always loved you and I always will."
Alex smiled through the tears welling up in her eyes. "Thanks," she whispered, squeezing Olivia's hand tightly. And for now, it was enough.
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