Trigger Warning: Mentioning of Rape / Molestation


Nobody came to my room and I didn't dare venture out after the incident. I kept to myself and I held my phone in my hand, checking it every five minutes, waiting to see a text from Reiner or Armin or father… or Ymir.

I wasn't close enough to the front of the house to see if Reiner ever left. I didn't hear father yell afterwards and even Pixis didn't dare bother me. It was far too late into the night by now anyways.

I flipped my phone open, staring at my messages, but nothing came. I closed it and put it near my pillow as I rolled onto my back, staring up at the ceiling with restless eyes.

How could I even try to sleep after seeing that? Reiner's ass was burned into my mind in ways I didn't appreciate, but what was worst was seeing his…

Armin's…

It repulsed me. I literally felt physically ill because I knew how those felt in hands. I knew how teeth and tongues could hurt and burn like knives and acid. The familiar feeling of maggots gnawing inside of me made me feel weak and repulsed of being in my own skin. It reminded me that my body—this body was a cage of memories. That not long ago this body was taken from me.

I hugged myself close to a pillow, burying my face into its soft fabric and curling around it.

My body felt gross. It felt like I didn't have one and I was stuck in a rotting carcass and I had to pretend that it was okay, because if I said it out loud—if I even put a word to it—I would have to admit it.

I would have to admit I was really—not okay.

Voices in my head tormented me as I squeezed my eyes shut—if I hated it, why didn't I fight back?

Why did I freeze up?

If I didn't pretend it never—Papa wouldn't have gotten hurt. In a long time, I wondered if Papa was okay. He had fallen down the stairs and broke something but I never got word from him. I couldn't contact him even if I wanted to because father said I needn't look back.

Only look forward.

Forward.

My fingers went to my thighs, clawing at them, trying to stoke something in my enstranged body—pain, hatred, anger, sadness. Something other than this disgusted numbness.

But I couldn't.

How I could move forward if my body was chained to that bed from so long ago? With things I never wanted to remember, things I hated myself over—things that my mother had done to me. I tried so hard to forget it all and pretend that the present was all that mattered, but I guess I have to admit.

I wasn't okay.

The only thing that I looked forward to was talking to Ymir.

Seeing her smile, hearing her laugh, feeling her arms around me, her fingers interlocked in mine—it was all that made me happy. It was the only thing that made me feel safe.

All I wanted was to be around her. It made me forget who I was in between those years we were apart.

Sometimes, I truly feel like Ymir is the only reason I wanted to try and live. She made it all worth enduring.

As my eyes stared into the darkness of my room, I wondered if she knew how much I liked her.

Did she like me as much as I liked her?

Probably not. She'd wouldn't quite understand it.

She might've stabbed a person and went to Juvenile, but at least she wanted to live and had friends and purpose.

I envied every single thing about her—her stubbornness to opposition, her unflinching eyes, and her strength to move mountains for everything she wanted.

She was never a victim and didn't pity herself, but I did.

While she made me feel happy, I felt so small around her. I felt the weakest and most vulnerable, because, in her shadow, I knew in my heart that I was a spineless victim who couldn't fight for what I wanted.

And I hated myself more than I ever did before.

-x-x-x-

Ymir flexed her fingers over her glass of Coke. Every time the bell over the door jingled, her eyes would shoot to the diner's entrance, hoping to see the familiar blonde.

It was ridiculous—she removed her hands from her drink and began to pop them—it was fucking ridiculous. Absolutely stupid. She had only been away from Krista for three days but it felt like an eternity. Every part of her body was jittery and her fucking leg wouldn't stop impatiently shaking and bobbing. She felt like she was going to explode and cry if that bell rang one more time and it wasn't her.

Ymir's eyes shot to the door just in time to see Krista entering, glancing around as a waitress greeted her. Ymir ducked her head low and fished the straw into her mouth, sucking the pop for dear life. Act cool. Yeah. There we go.

In seconds, Krista slid into the opposite side of the booth. Ymir glanced up, feigning surprise, but her casual smile dropped when she saw Krista's face. The girl's eyes were dark with circles and her skin was red and blotchy near her cheeks… like she had been crying all night…

"Hey," Ymir pushed her pop out of the way and reached over with her hands. Krista barely registered the affection as she tiredly peered up at her, fingers twitching before weakly clasping Ymir's. "Hey, what's wrong? What happened?"

"I didn't sleep well," Krista exhaled, listlessly staring at the table. "Just… sort of…"

Her voice trailed and she didn't even pick up where she left off as her eyes glazed over, staring at nothing in particular. It was like her body was on autopilot.

"Just sort of…?" Ymir pried a little. "What's up?"

"Eh," Krista's eyes blinked and wandered up to Ymir's face, "I don't know."

Did she not know what she just said?

"Mm you want some coffee?" Ymir asked. "I can pay."

"I don't really like coffee," Krista shook her head and began to withdraw her hands, but Ymir's grip tightened and the blonde stayed. Her eyes went to their hands and Ymir could see a blush brush over her cheeks.

"I don't mean to sound like an ass, Krista, but, uh, you look like shit and I think you need coffee… how about a smoothie? Anything?" Ymir pushed a menu to her. "Just say the word and you can get it."

Krista shook her head.

"If I eat something I feel like I'd throw it up." She mentioned and Ymir realized she didn't ask if Krista was sick.

"Ah, I getcha." Ymir hummed, rubbing her thumb across the back of Historia's hands.

Krista always had this way of making things hard. Originally, she was going to tell Krista that… she had to dump Reiner or get lost, because Ymir knew she couldn't just be friends. And, Ymir had a special way of shaking girls off by being an asshole until they ran away. It made things a little easier for them to get over her.

Plus, it was better to hurt over hating herself for being a jerk than trying to avoid a spurned crush.

"Do you want a soup? It should taste good and be easy on the stomach, Krista. I don't want you to be sick on an empty stomach. It just makes things worse, y'know? It's… mm, Krista? Hey… Hey, Krista?" Ymir stopped, frowning and furrowing her brows as Krista was far, far away. Slowly, her head bobbed forward and she flinched, glancing at Ymir.

"Ah," she realized Ymir was talking to her, "did you say something?"

"Yeah, um, I said your name like three times," now Ymir was getting really worried. "Dude… you didn't have to come if you needed to sleep. You could've just texted or something?"

Krista looked upset.

"I'm sorry," she eased, shoulders slumping. "I just… I don't mean to be like this…"

"Hey, what's there to be sorry about?" Ymir cleared her throat, still concerned. "You're alright."

"I know," there was some irritability in her voice, "but, we planned to meet up… and I'm wasting your time…"

Ymir was surprised at Krista's response. She never thought the other girl would think like that. If anything, Ymir felt like she would've been the one who would waste Krista's time. The blonde had a huge friend circle, was an angel, super smart, and did all these extracurricular activities. Yet, here she was, hanging out with the school's most hated kid. Emphasis on the unsaid loser part, too. Ouch.

"No! No, no, no, no," Ymir groaned, feeling embarrassed. She wasn't about to admit she wasn't cool. That'd be… very pathetic. "You're not wasting my time. You never do."

Krista's eyes lit up but they were overshadowed by the dark bags underneath them. Her hands held Ymir's if only a little tighter. She didn't say anything but the calm that was behind her blue eyes said everything.

"Now, this will be only a waste if you at least don't let me get you some crackers and soup," Ymir cracked a grin, earning an interested yet suspicious look from her… girlfriend? Crush? "Are you all about that cracker and soup life, blondie?"

Ymir swore she saw a smile overcome that grimace, but she didn't watch long enough to see it as the bell caught her attention for a split second.

From the door walked in a family, laughing, as the mother held a happy birthday balloon and the father ruffled his son's hair—Ymir's eyes widened and her mouth went slack.

Immediately, Krista leaned from their booth to peek at what Ymir was gawking at but only saw a family she didn't recognize.

"Who're they?" Krista's curiosity won out of her dazed state but Ymir wouldn't respond. She only stared and a strange look came over her. Her face was distorted in a mix of anger and fear. "…Ymir?"

"Let's go." Ymir blurted as she hastily yanked her wallet out and threw down a five. Krista didn't get time to ask any more questions as Ymir shot up from her booth and took towards the door. The family was still enjoying themselves as the waiter attended them, ready to lead them to their seats until they caught site of Ymir. Krista watched as the mother gasped, letting go of the balloon, and the father's face turning red as he shoved his son behind him. The boy visibly flinched and hid, glaring as Ymir shoved the doors open and fled.

Krista gaped as she quickly got up, trying to rush after Ymir, but as she got to the doors she heard the father growl.

"I will kill her next time I see her." His voice didn't betray him—Krista thoroughly believed that man's words as she got outside, seeing Ymir hop the bushes that led to the sidewalk of the street.

"Ymir!" Krista called out, sluggishly jogging the parking lot until she got around the bushes. "Ymir, what's wrong?"

Krista didn't feel good herself but she had never seen Ymir's mood flip like that. As she caught up, she grabbed Ymir's arm but yelped when the taller girl snapped and shoved her away. Ymir stopped and glanced back at her and Krista saw all the unbridled rage in her eyes. She saw a different kind of person—a stranger—someone who wanted to hurt and burn everything.

It wasn't the Ymir she knew.

Krista couldn't pinpoint whether it was because of her exhaustion or Ymir's misdirected anger but she began to cry. She couldn't help it—she felt angry with herself that she couldn't stop crying either. She was a big cry baby and stupid useless girl who couldn't do anything better.

Ymir didn't even offer an apology as she stared at Krista. She couldn't even say a word as that fire remained in her eyes as she watched the blonde sob to herself.

Cars passed back and forth on the four lane street, whizzing past and making Krista's hair stick to her wet cheeks. Ymir's coat hem violently fluttered as she clicked her tongue.

"Let's go." She gritted and went to the crossing, slamming her fist on the button, and Krista didn't know whether or not she actually wanted to follow. She didn't want to be around Ymir when she was angry—it reminded her of her grandmother and mother. Her body instinctively was ready for Ymir to beat her and to tell her she was better off dead.

But, her feet moved for her. No matter what, she was always obedient. Always. Even if it endangered her…

When they were cleared to walk, they went across towards the neighboring park. Ymir only stopped at the gravel path, waiting for Krista to catch up before continuing, side by side. Krista kept silently crying and sniffling as Ymir's body was tense as a marching soldier. They walked and walked, retracing steps three times before Krista couldn't go even further. Every step hurt her feet and she was beginning to stumble. It felt like she could pass out from tiredness any moment.

"Ymir… I need to sit… please…" Krista finally begged and Ymir actually stopped for her. She turned around, facing her for the first time in forty minutes.

"Why didn't you say so earlier?" Ymir asked, quiet, ashamed, and hurt. "You didn't have to walk all that with me… we could've sat sooner…"

Krista felt like that was a lie. She was too afraid to have asked her earlier. She didn't want to be lashed out at again. It scared her so badly—like the inevitable slap that would come during chores.

Ymir came over to her, guiding her to the bench and sitting beside her.

"I'm sorry," it came out too fast, too scared. "I'm sorry… I shouldn't have… shoved you away like that…"

It didn't feel like much of an apology. Ymir might've not known about her past but it wouldn't be easily forgiven. It hit home too deep—it reminded her of old wounds that she'd rather not remember. Just like most of her life.

"I'm so tired," Krista cried, wiping her tears away. "I didn't sleep all night and I just want to go to bed."

"Ah," Ymir's face kept growing sadder, "I should've—I shouldn't have done that… I'm really sorry."

It was always like Ymir to take things too far and apologize up and down like a scared child, trying to apologize before they were punished.

"I just… want to go home…" Krista was already pulling out her phone but Ymir's hand went to hers and she had to look up to see those pleading golden eyes.

"Can I—can I explain myself?" Ymir begged. "Please? I'm sorry, Krista, I really am, please, let me tell you what happened—I don't want you to think I'm an asshole."

A little late.

Ymir and Krista both knew that but Ymir realized doing that to Krista didn't sit well. She never would be able to be a dick towards her like how she was to past girls. And, by past girls, Ymir knew it was only Hitch.

Ymir wasn't as great and cool as she thought she was. She really was a loser and jerk for making the prettiest girl cry…

"I'm tired, Ymir," Krista was literally nodding. "I just want to go home—I don't feel good."

"I—how about this, um, I—I can give you a piggy back ride to my car, and, along the way, I—uh—I can tell you what happened… okay? I will drive you home." Ymir desperately suggested. "Please, don't let this… don't let this end like that, okay? You will understand—I promise. At least… you'll begin to…"

Krista couldn't tell Ymir she was impatient to get home so she could bawl. First, Reiner had to ruin everything, Armin had to be a dick, her father had to yell, her past had to haunt her, her fucked up mind wouldn't let her sleep, and now Ymir had to hurt and scare her…

Krista gave up. She exhaled, putting her phone away.

"Fine," she let out, "I don't think I could walk more even if I wanted to… I don't even know where we are."

"Alright, alright," Ymir knew she was on thin ice. "That's okay. I will take the shortcuts back, okay? I know you're tired."

Ymir was being kind and overly generous as she took off her own coat, wrapping Krista up in it to shield her from the nipping early winter. She helped the tiny blonde get on her back and jostled her until she got a good hold and began the trek back.

At first, Krista thought Ymir was formulating some excuse, or she was going to break down in apologies again, but Ymir actually seemed… uncertain.

"Okay, so," Ymir kept trying to talk but only croaks would come out. She cursed multiple times under her breath and Krista wondered if she'd ever get to it.

"Look, there's no way to put this nice, okay? There's—there's nothing in a book or way I could say this and make it seem normal, okay?" Ymir admitted. "So, please, just… try to be understanding…"

Krista was beginning to lull her head on Ymir's shoulder, barely comprehending what Ymir had to say.

"Mhm," she mumbled, tired eyes closing. "Okay…okay…."

"That family… that kid, actually, uh… he's… the… he's the kid I stabbed… and I… I hate his guts."