A/N To those of you who have taken the time to leave constructive - and sometimes not so constructive - criticism, I'd just like to say that I know this is a wordy, long, complex story that isn't for everyone. I'm not a professional writer, just a twi fan trying to do something different with the characters we all love. I assure you, I'm aware of my weaknesses as a writer, and I'm doing my best to improve. If you've felt frustrated or that I've wasted your time, I apologize. I likewise apologize for the amateurish quality of my writing, the grammar mistakes etc.
That being said, I won't apologize for the story itself. My goal has always been to explore in depth how these characters might react to serious trials and tribulations in a realistic manner. Victims of violence struggle in the aftermath. It takes time and effort to heal. It affects them in multitudes of ways, and it absolutely changes who they are. It's important to me this story reflects some of those truths and mingles it with all the crazy supernatural aspects. You don't have to agree or feel the same, and you're welcome to share your opinion in whatever way you'd like, but please respect my right to see it through to the end the way I envisioned.
To those of you who have stuck with this story and even gone so far as to sing its praises despite its many faults, I can't say thanks enough. (Que cheesy Wind Beneath my Wings music, lol.)
Chapter is unbeta'd. Usual apologies for errors applies.
From chapter 51, Coming Back Around
"Hello? Edward, is that you, man?"
"You're either very brave or very stupid, Seth Clearwater," I snarl, venom soaking my mouth as a little of my contained rage sneaks past my self control. Once again his childish recklessness is putting my mate in danger and my tolerance for his youth is past. "I warned you once that I would rip you to shreds. I'm very inclined at this moment to make that threat a very painful reality for you. Either way, you have ten seconds to tell me what you want before I decide what to do with you."
I'm not even certain I want to give him the ten...
. . . . . .
Chapter 52 Collateral Damages
. . . . . .
Edward's POV
Standing there in that moment where once again the things we've tried to leave in the past pop up without warning to torment us, fills me with bitter frustration. Seth Clearwater, too far away for me to read, is treading a fine line. Only the uncertainty of what he could want is buying him precious seconds.
The threat I utter makes Bella flinch, and her reaction just adds further fuel to the flames of my anger. She has suffered enough.
"I'm sorry," he begins, his words rushed and jumbled together, telling me even without the benefits of his thoughts he's aware of how precarious his position is. "I didn't mean to… I wasn't trying to cause trouble. I swear. I just… I wanted to talk to you… Can you just meet me, for a minute, that's all I want. Please?"
He sounds exhausted. Beat down and ragged, but it's nothing to me as I growl loudly. The worry he's caused re-ignites my rage, dousing the frustration in a more familiar feeling. I am beyond fed up…
"Don't plead with me," I snarl loudly into the phone. "I owe you nothing. I threatened violence the last time I laid eyes on you, do you remember? Do you have any idea how close you are to having that be your reality?"
"Edward, stop, don't." Bella's hand clamps over mine where the cracked phone is in danger of crumbling to plastic and metal dust fragments. I'm surprised it's even still working.
I'm boiling in rage induced venom, my voice gone thick with it. The small part of me that knows I'm irrational let's Bella's plea ground me.
I force air out of my nose in a violent exhale, striving for control and reminding myself that he's a child. A mostly innocent one.
Bella shakes her head. "No more," she whispers at me, her fingers covering the mouthpiece of the phone so her words will only be heard by me. "All this anger. We have to let it go, Edward. Whatever is wrong, whatever he wants, he's just a kid. None of this is his fault."
Her soft voice pulls me back from the abyss. The last mouthful of swallowed down venom burns my throat and my fingers unclench slowly. I trail my fingers gently down her face and throat, pausing on her now calm pulse and letting the rhythm lull me as it always does.
Once again her strength bests mine. She finds reason in insanity and forgiveness in the unforgivable, humbling me so I could almost be ashamed of my rage.
Seth's breathing is ragged, broken. "I'm sorry… I just… I don't want anything, just a few minutes and then I'll be gone, and I swear, you'll never hear from or see me again."
Bella drops her fingers away from the phone.
"Fine. You can say what you need to say. I'll be there…"
She shakes her head at me, placing cold fingers against my lips briefly, stopping me from continuing.
"Let him come here," she tells me quietly, turning her head to kiss the back of my hand with a tired sigh and a soft yet sad smile.
"No," I hiss adamantly. "Absolutely not."
She arches an eyebrow, the smile turning down. Her arms cross over her chest and the eyebrow goes up farther.
"Yes."
On the phone in the background, I hear Emmett snort and then laugh.
"Come on, puppy. Let's go. The boss has spoken; you're coming with us back to the house."
"Emmett," I snarl, "do not bring him…"
"Forget it, Edward," he laughs, this time directly into the phone. "The kid's no threat. You're wife on the other hand is going to be able to kick my ass in the near future." He hangs up without waiting for a response, and I nearly throw the phone. Bella's hand on my arm once again grounds me. I quickly check in with Jasper and Esme who confirm Seth still appears to be alone.
Another quick call to the Denali clan and a few seconds on the phone with Irina confirms the same in their area. With a promise from her to be on the lookout, I end the call and draw Bella into my arms.
"I'm going to go meet them," I tell her, stroking my hands down her back. "I want you to stay here."
"Edward..."
"I want to know what I'm dealing with, Bella. Having him in close proximity to you..." I very nearly shudder with the thought, my unique musculature not capable of the action is the only reason I do not.
Bella tugs away from me. Despite her pale countenance, she looks determined to argue.
"I'll be surrounded by all of you. He can't hurt me, and he wouldn't anyway. This is Seth, Edward, not Jacob." Her fingers fly up to briefly cover my mouth once again. "And don't say it. I've already told you I'm fine. I won't let myself get upset, no matter what he says, okay?"
Capturing her hand in mine, I kiss her fingers with a hissed oath. "Just let me see what he wants..."
"I need you here with me," she replies quietly, cutting in before I can finish my sentence.
I search her eyes and find them clear and honest. Her heart rate is steady and calm, and though she looks exhausted, I can see she truly is fine at the moment. It's too late for me to meet them anyway, I catch the jumble of thoughts coming from Jasper and Emmett and Seth as they near the Lodge, and my rigid stance relaxes as I latch onto the ones coming from Seth.
He is alone and the news he brings, from what I can discern, is not unwelcome.
Taking Bella's hand, I guide her out of our bedroom and down the hall to the main living room area. Carlisle has started a fire and Esme, Rose and Alice enter the room directly after us.
Alice's brow is tight with her scowl, her metaphorical gaze turned inwards, though she sees nothing but a heavy fog. I wonder why she continues to torture herself looking for something we all know she cannot possibly see. Not with a wolf about to enter the lion's den.
Rose brushes a comforting hand over Bella's shoulders and lets me know in her thoughts that Bella is as calm as she seems. Only the barest hint of anxiety shows in her mood and with her eyes steady on me, I can see that her concern has little to do with Seth and more to do with how she fears I may react to anything he might say or do. She holds my hand tightly and doesn't let go, even when I lead her to one of the sofas.
The instant she sits, I hear them enter the house, the cold air that displaces the growing warmth in the room carrying the unpleasant smell inherent with the shape-shifter gene. He's blocking his thoughts from me now, or at least attempting to. My back tenses when they enter the room, and I spin slowly towards him, my expression filled with a warning as I block Bella from his view with my body.
One word, one wrong move that upsets her, and I will make good on my threats. That is a fact. She is the only thing that matters.
Bella's POV
Edward steps in front of me, and I can almost feel the growl he's trying to swallow quiver in my own throat. My hands are suddenly damp with sweat, a combination of nerves over Seth's unwelcome visit and Edward's volatile mood. There is such a thing as pushing a vampire too far and the mood in the room is heavy with tension. They're all quiet and very still. Too still.
Back on my feet, I move to Edward's side, continuing to hold his hand as tight as I can. So tight in fact, my wrist and finger joints have begun to throb. It matches the pounding in my head that's a little worse, though I ignore both and look at Seth.
Something inside of me clenches hard for a moment. The shape of his face, the warm colour of his skin against the burning backdrop of his eyes, is all too familiar. Thankfully the feeling goes away almost as quickly as it comes and it's just Seth, not the echo of my past.
He looks like he's been to hell and back, and suddenly all I feel is sadness and concern. Seth Clearwater looks every bit the boy he is. Gangly, tall and even leaner than he was before. All ropey muscles and coiled wicked strength, yes, but combined with the aura of vulnerability and the hungry almost haunted gaze that sweeps the room, it's clear there is nothing to fear from him.
His clothes are worn and filthy, what he wears of them anyway. Despite the frigid temperatures and the snowflakes slowly melting in his hair, he's holding more than he seems to be wearing. His feet are as bare as is his upper body, though he does have a shirt in his hand.
His skin suddenly flushes and he yanks it over his head as though he's just now remembered he's in mixed company. The worn blue fabric is covered with tears and stains and even a few burrs, their prickly spines clinging tenaciously to the cotton. Clearing his throat, he turns to Edward. He seems to be using a considerable amount of will power not to look at me, like he's worried that it will provoke Edward.
"I left the Pack," he blurts. His voice is deeper than before, but it cracks a little on the nerves he can't quite hide. He does look at me then, probably because I gasp at his statement, though the glance is fleeting.
"I'm alone. No one is with me."
"He's telling the truth," Jasper says, entering the room. Crossing his arms across his chest he moves to stand in a way that blocks the only exit. "There's no one else around for miles, least of all any dogs. Plus he's given off nothing but honest vibes from the second I've been around him."
Seth doesn't react to the slur or the comment that vouches for his honesty, still looking at Edward. Or a combination of Edward and his own dirt stained feet.
"You left the Pack? How?" My mind can't wrap around what Seth has just said, and I find myself taking a step closer to him when I see a flash of pain cross his features. He covers it quickly, trying for a mask of indifference. He continues to keep from looking at me, but he does nod in answer.
Edward is still rigid at my side, and he's taken a step forward as well. The movement aligns his body with mine in a protective way. "After Jacob passed out in the woods that day you showed him what he'd done to you, the Pack was left temporarily without an Alpha, giving Seth and the others free will," he states, filling in the blanks for Seth who is trembling slightly now in exhaustion.
Seth nods again, dragging one unsteady hand through his matted hair. "It only lasted a few minutes. After you all left, Ja...um," he stutters, casting a nervous look at Edward, obviously uncertain if he should use Jacob's name. "He came to again and gave the Pack back to Sam. He was just starting to heal, but he wouldn't let anyone help him. He staggered away and vanished in the woods. Without the Pack mentality, no one could track him, and things were so chaotic at first..." He shrugs weakly. "Ja... He was the true Alpha, Ephraim's heir." His eyes dart to me again and though it's brief, I think I see a flash of apology before they dart back to Edward. "Sam couldn't control him if he didn't let him, I guess."
"The true heir holds all the power. Sam has only ever really been a second in command to a defunct, inactive leader," Edward confirms. "Sam lost control of him the minute Jacob took his rightful place. Once that tie was broken, it couldn't be re-established."
Seth seems to sag a little. "Right before he left, before he gave the Pack back to Sam, something in me just...broke. I couldn't do it anymore. Couldn't be a part of all of that. So I made a choice..."
Edward's tone is cold and hard. "You stayed with Jacob Black."
"I had my reasons," Seth defends, a spark of something like anger showing in his face for the first time. "I didn't do it out of loyalty; you of all people have to see that." He points to his head illustrating his thoughts, and then just like that the spark fades and his shoulders sag again. Edward's rigid stance seems to relax slightly as well, though not enough for me to relax myself.
Esme suddenly steps forward and gestures to the sofa behind Seth. "Why don't you sit down," she says softly. "You look very tired, Seth." Her kindness and attempt at hospitality seems to break down more of the tension in the room. I sense a subtle shift in the mood, the air of stress dissipating.
Seth shakes his head at her. "I'm really dirty, ma'am, I, uh..."
"Sofa's can be cleaned," she replies, ever the gentle matriarch and a true compassionate match for Carlisle.
"Or they can be thrown out," Rose snarks disdainfully. Her nose wrinkles in mild disgust, but I notice she sits on the arm of one of the overstuffed chairs where Emmett has just sat, her hand resting lightly on his shoulder while his rests on her knee. Their posture is relaxed, and I notice Alice has also moved. She's beside Jasper who is still blocking the doorway, though his stance no longer resembles a guard. He wraps an arm around Alice's waist and tugs her to him. I lean against Edward as well, suddenly feeling the weight of a very long day settling around me like lead. His arm around my waist is both comforting and bracing.
Carlisle adds another log to the fire and then moves to my side. "We should all sit," he says with a look to Edward that speaks volumes as he draws me away and back to the other sofa. I sink down gratefully, and he crouches in front of me for a moment. His gaze is clinical and professional, and I know I'm being assessed.
"I'm okay," I tell him in a near whisper, grateful when he seems to believe me and moves back to Esme's side. Edward is watching the exchange intently. He nods his head at Carlisle, their silent communication apparent in the loaded looks between them before he turns back to Seth.
He's still standing, though he looks even more tired if that's possible.
"I didn't come here to cause trouble. I'm sorry that it did. I thought if I could find you alone, Edward..." He heaves out a shaky breath, clearly repentant. "There was no other way to contact you. No way to phone or..."
"How did you find us?" Edward interrupts.
"He told me."
Edward curses and takes a sharp step forward, but Seth holds up his hand.
"He hasn't been anywhere near, I swear to you. He figured it out based on something Bella told him a long time ago. And he only had a general idea. I've been looking for weeks and was almost about to give up when I finally caught your scents a few miles from here."
Something I told him? My heart clenches, and I shudder at the thought I could have given out information inadvertently at some point in time when I'd still trusted and believed Jacob Black was my friend.
"But he sent you here." Edward isn't asking, his tone of voice scathing and hostile. I get up and hurry back to his side, placing a hand I hope will restrain him on his chest. He instantly puts me half behind him again.
"No!" Seth's tone is adamant. "I came on my own."
"He's telling the truth, Edward." A slight feeling of calm descends over everyone with Jasper's statement, his gift adding power to his words. He watches me intently though, obviously ready to pull back the second I show any adverse reactions. I feel a slight tug from the place in my head where the corridor resides.
Silence falls on the room, and Edward and Seth stare at one another for what feels like a long time. I realize Seth is trying to show Edward things in his thoughts, and that Edward is paying very close attention. His expression while dark and forbidding, is also full of concentration.
Again I feel the weight of this seemingly endless day and suddenly I've had enough. "Will someone please tell me what the hell is going on here?" I snap. I turn back to Seth. "Why are you here? What do you want? Is Jacob looking for us? Is he...coming here?" My legs almost give out on me at the thought. Not out of fear, but out of sheer dismay this might not be over. That somehow all of this hasn't been enough, there might still be more to come, fills me with so much dread it nearly engulfs me. The corridor in my head opens wide this time, but I somehow manage to close it again. My shield can only make things worse at this point, and I have to control it. I have to.
Edward's arms wrap around my waist and he murmurs soft assurances. I struggle for control over the panic trying to swamp me, and bit by bit I regain it.
Edward's POV
Bella shakes in my hold, her breathing accelerating rapidly as she begins to panic. The one emotion I was the most worried about and the one that I - in my own rage and self involved emotions - hadn't done enough to prevent. Seth's mind has been a whirlwind of thoughts. My attention on him while I've tried to decipher them all and make sense of his mind has been so absolute, I allowed it to distract me from her wellbeing.
Carlisle has a heavy dosage of sedatives in a syringe, better prepared than I for this unwanted eventuality. Before he can make a move to administer the medication, she's already recovering and fighting her fear back down.
Drawing in a deep shuddering breath, she slumps against me before just as quickly straightening her spine and controlling her breathing.
"I'm all right," she murmurs as colour returns to her skin.
"Sit down, love," I tell her softly and lead her back to the couch. My fingers trace her face and listen as her heart settles back to its normal rhythm. She touches my face in return and smiles weakly, repeating she's fine, though clearly she's not.
"He's not coming here, Bella. I promise you that," Seth tells her quietly, his desire to reassure her making him brave my wrath by addressing her directly and speaking her name. Though I'd only forbid Jacob and Billy Black from such a thing, he's been wary enough about my reaction to tread very carefully. Now in his mind, he struggles to adopt a tone that won't frighten her further. "That's why I'm here. To tell you he knows what he did to you. He's remembered it all."
Her eyes widen, and I just barely resist the urge to snarl at Seth to shut up, still worried this all could prove too much for her.
"He remembers?" Her voice trembles but she stays strong.
"Yeah." Seth sighs and sinks down on the floor, too tired to stand, yet too worried about wrecking the furniture he sees as terrifyingly pristine to accept Esme's offer of the sofa. His story pours out, and all I can do is hold Bella's hands as we listen to him document Jacob Blacks confession.
"I followed him," he begins. "After I realized I wasn't part of the Pack, after how upset I made you all that last day in Forks, I knew I had to get away. I couldn't stomach anymore. There was nothing left for me. Not with everything I knew about my mother and the Elders and Sam and Leah, and everything else that went down." Small droplets of melted snow drip off his hair, dampening his dirty shirt. Looking up, he stares at the fire, his gaze empty and his tone growing slightly monotone.
"I was just a puppet to them anyway, with their prejudice and hate that I never really believed in. I never understood why they hated you all so much. And I always thought Jacob was wrong for how hard he chased Bella, for the way he wouldn't let her go when it was so obvious to me and anyone who looked that you guys were meant to be together. I kept thinking about how he used to be and what he turned into, and I worried that could be me if I stayed and let their hate keep poisoning me the way it did him and Leah, and the others, too, in different ways."
His hands in his lap are limp, and he looks as broken as his thoughts show him to be. He turns his head to me again, and then to Bella. The innocent boyish crush he's always had on her is tempered now by reality and the loss of the same innocence that spawned it. He stares at her and his pain filled thoughts slice me, matching my own to some extent as I see her through his eyes. How different she looks, how frail. And yet he sees the fire in her eyes and the determined way she watches him, not flinching.
She always was strong. Jacob never got that. Never understood she had her own mind and wasn't some little wilted flower he could own. Stupid, what he did to her, how he thought he could take away her will...
"I followed Jacob's trail for weeks before I found him," he continues out loud, his thoughts falling away and being replaced by the things he describes. "He was so deep inside the wolf in him, I couldn't track his thoughts. All I had was the echo in my mind that told me when I was close and when I wasn't. He sensed me, too," he adds, his attention turning further in towards his memories, playing out for me like a movie reel.
The endless days and nights of tracking. Of getting close and then losing the trail when Jacob evaded him. The sleepless days, the cold and the pain of his wolf paws being torn apart on rough terrain only to heal and tear apart again. The meagre meals he'd found that did little to ease his hunger pangs as Jacob's trail led him deeper and deeper into the Canadian wilderness and the mountain ranges that provided so little game. He found him eventually, when Jacob realized he wasn't going to go away and allowed him to catch up.
"He's dead inside," Seth states quietly. "Nothing left really of who he used to be. I shifted back to human form and built a fire. I couldn't communicate with him in wolf form. He's too strong. Not even Sam could block us from his mind, but Jacob could. I never even realized until then he'd probably been doing it all along. Blocking us from things he didn't want us to know." His eyes on Bella are apologetic, and I can see in his thoughts the weight of guilt he carries for failing to notice that before. Before it was too late to save either Bella or Leah.
"Eventually, when he saw I wasn't going to leave, he changed back, too."
Seth looks at Bella again, and I fight the desire to demand he look elsewhere, reminding myself that he is not Jacob Black, and peeling away the layers of his inner thoughts for the proof I need to confirm it. I recognize the tingle in my skin and mind that comes from Bella. Her desire to know the truth is heightening my ability to read Seth's thoughts, the enabling powers within her feeling similar, but not identical, to the manifestation of her shield. Like sticky spider webs spinning through my dry veins. She watches him, oblivious to what she's doing to me.
"I told him I wasn't going to leave," Seth tells us. "That I'd follow him no matter where he went. That I wasn't going to let him..." He trails off and looks to me as though he's not sure he should continue.
"Tell her," I say, and he nods. His mind is an open book now, with subtle layers of context and thought spelled out as clearly as his conscience.
"I told him I'd follow him forever or until I knew he'd never try to hurt you again, Bella." His voice is soft, his eyes sad as he looks at her.
"Why?" she whispers, her voice cracking a little as she swallows past the lump she must have in her throat. Her unshed tears waver in her eyes, reflecting the light in the room. "Why would you do that, Seth?"
"Hero complex much?" Rose snorts mockingly. "Or did you think we couldn't protect her, mutt?"
Seth doesn't rise to Rose's baiting, and he doesn't look away from Bella. "I'm not trying to be anyone's hero. I was just trying to right some of the wrongs my family and Pack did to you." He shrugs again, looking uncomfortable. "It's all I knew to do. After Leah..." Seth's words catch in his throat and he blinks rapidly, dragging in a deep breath before continuing.
"After I told him that, he told me he'd remembered it all. He said it came to him in bits and pieces, and he knew now what kind of a monster he was. The kind that couldn't ever live again, not outside of his wolf form." Seth runs chapped, wind worn hands over his face wearily. As though he can scrub the images out of his mind of a broken Jacob Black with bottomless black eyes staring at him over a fire like he had no soul, no heart. Like whoever he was had been eaten away until all that was left was that shell sitting there across from him.
"He said his word meant nothing, and he knew it, but the sentence the vampire gave him would be served." Seth's gaze turns back to the fire, the volume in his voice dropping to a near whisper before his eyes dart back to me. In Jacob's words, he repeats nearly verbatim the punishment I sentenced him to the day in the woods when I'd nearly taken his worthless life. "He said; 'I will spend one lifetime remembering what I've done, and living with the memories I tried to escape. I will never go near her again. I will never force her to endure the sight of my face or the sound of my voice. Above all else, I will never again let her name pass my lips." He rubs the back of his neck and exhales hard. "That's when he told me where he thought you guys would be. Said if I wanted to play guard dog I could, but it would be a waste of time." He looks at me sheepishly, his face turning ruddy as he realizes I can see in his thoughts that playing guard dog was his exact intention in those moments when he'd sat with Jacob Black by that fire.
"Then he banished me from his Pack," Seth continues, looking back at the fire, his thoughts expressing feelings too raw and exposed to allow him to hold my gaze any longer. He is completely alone now, and he seems to just be realizing fully what that means. "The second he said it, I felt and heard nothing but the deepest silence. And just like that, I blinked, and he was gone. I tried for awhile to pick up his trail again, but I couldn't. It's like he vanished, but in those few minutes when I was sitting by the fire waiting for him to change, he let me in his head, and I can tell you he meant what he said. There was nothing in him that wanted revenge or felt like he had any right to you, Bella. Nothing."
Bella does start to cry then, but her tears fall in silence and she wipes them away quickly. Rising to her feet, she ignores my restraining arm and goes to kneel in front of him.
"Thank you," she murmurs. "For telling me, for trying to look out for me."
Seth nods briskly in reply. Clearing his throat, he quickly rubs one hand roughly over his eyes that glisten the same as Bella's. His mind shows me he is at the end of his emotional rope. Exhausted and bereft and lost.
"It's not enough," he says, shaking his head sadly at her. "It doesn't mean anything, but for what it's worth, you have my word I won't ever let anyone from the Pack hurt you again, Bella. I swear it on my sister's grave. I can't take back what she did, what any of them did, but it won't happen again. Not as long as I'm breathing."
Despite the tears in his eyes, his words are steel, coming from a place inside of him that is no longer a boy. The power of his shape-shifter ripples under his skin. In his gaze that he levels on me as he rises to his feet, I can see, hear and feel the conviction of his vow. Whether Bella knows it or not, he's just sworn his life to her.
Seth rises to his feet and nods at me one final time. A brief bob of his head. "I'll go now. Thanks for letting me have my say." He starts for the door, and Bella looks back at me, sadness in her eyes so deep it makes me ache. I don't need to be able to read her mind to see the plea she extends at me.
"Stay," I tell him roughly. "You don't have to leave now. You're hungry and tired. You came a long way and suffered a lot to tell us all of this."
"I'm fine," Seth replies, his dirt stained chin lifting in pride and defiance, wanting nothing of my pity.
"Please stay, Seth," Bella requests. "It's freezing outside, and it looks like the weather is only going to get worse."
He looks at her and his expression softens. "I'm fine, Bella. Wolf genes, remember?" He blanches a bit as his mind regrets the callous way he referred to himself, then his look softens further as does his voice. "You don't need me here, reminding you of everything you've been through. I'm a big boy now," he tries for a laugh but it comes out sounding hollow. He turns back to the doorway, and Bella tries to get to her feet to stop him. Her hands are trembling and I can see the pain that crosses her face as she tries to uncurl her legs, telling me the swelling in her joints is worsening.
Instantly I move to her side, brushing her hair from her face as she whimpers and pales. With utmost care, I lift her tenderly into my arms and she puts her face to my neck, hiding her reaction from the others and exhaling shakily.
Seth watches, concern churning in his thoughts.
She's sick. Like really sick. What's wrong with her?
"You'll stay here tonight," I tell him, ignoring the questions in his head, the unmistakable sound of an order not a request ringing in my tone. "I need to look after my wife right now, but we'll talk in the morning."
I leave the room then, knowing that whether he wants to stay or not, Seth isn't going anywhere. Jasper and Emmet are already moving to ensure he can't leave, and Esme is balancing their obvious show of solidarity and strength with a wave of motherly concern, leading Seth to the kitchen for a much needed hot meal. His stomach growls loudly despite his meagre attempt at polite protests, and he follows her eagerly, not particularly bothered by Jasper and Emmett's presence behind him. His thoughts waver between gratefulness at the idea of food and a comfortable place to sleep, and the desire to leave here and change back to his wolf form. As I enter our bedroom cradling Bella gently, he opts for the meal and the place to sleep, foul smelling as it might be, too wracked by bone numbing fatigue and a weariness that sits deep in his soul to refuse.
I close our door tightly and shut off his thoughts just as effectively. Bella is no longer enabling my gift, and the lack of it makes the normal mind noise in my head seem nearly silent in comparison.
I settle her gently on our sofa and kneel down in front of her, brushing more loose tendrils of hair from her face. Her eyes are closed, but she opens them on a shaky exhale and gives me a tired smile.
"Well, that was a lot to absorb," she says, trying to make light with a small fake laugh.
"You're in pain. Let me get you something."
She shakes her head. "No, no pills, no drugs. I'm okay. I just need a minute to...breathe." She exhales again as I give her the minute she requests, chafing her cold hands gently with mine. She rises suddenly and walks across the room to the window. Following, I wrap my arms around her waist from behind, urging her to lean back against me which she does with a sigh.
"Do you think Jacob really remembers?" Her voice is so quiet, I might not have heard her if my hearing wasn't acute. I don't answer right away, allowing my head to fill with Seth's memories, watching Jacob's face in the flashbacks, scrutinizing his expressions and actions.
"Yes. I think he does," I tell her after a moment.
She wraps her arms around mine, sliding her still cool palms over my forearms, nestling her fingertips under the cuffs of my sweater.
"Does it ease you at all to know he can no longer hide behind the mental block in his mind?" I ask gently.
"I don't know," she answers honestly. "I guess I accepted the fact he'd never remember. I don't really understand how he could. I thought the drugs in the wine would make that impossible."
"In a human it is likely those memories would be lost forever," I answer. "But he isn't entirely human. His mind could heal from the effects of the Rohypnol, and it would seem it has."
Outside the snow swirls, coming down heavier now. The wind has abated so their downward fall is lazy. A gentle drifting and spinning that coats everything in layers of soft, sparkling white.
"Is it wrong," she whispers, "that I almost pity him?"
I can smell her tears. Gently I turn her towards me and tip her face up to mine. She's so achingly beautiful.
"No," I tell her, though I could never be as generous. "Nothing you feel is wrong, love."
"I don't want to hate anymore, Edward. I don't want to be angry or afraid or want bad things for anyone anymore."
Taking her face in my hands, I kiss her gently, meaning to soothe, but her hands twine into my hair and she rises on tiptoe, tugging me closer. The action to me feels like the brushing of butterfly wings, but I know she is using the last of her strength. Fierce and demanding, seeking comfort and escape. Something I'm very willing to provide. For both of us.
I lift her to me to ease her strain and deepen the kiss until she moans her need into my mouth, her legs coming up to wrap around my waist.
Carrying her to the bed, I lay her down carefully and undress her slowly, taking my time to touch every bared inch of skin until the only cries coming from her mouth are tearless and filled with pleasure. Knowing she needs tenderness and affection as much as she needs the release of sex, I make my normally gentle touch even more so. My hands unerringly find the curves and sensual dips of her body, caressing them until she's feverish in her need.
She arches into me, and I remove my clothing with inhuman speed, aching to be inside of her. Despite the need that claws at me, I slow down once again and cradle her face between my palms, aligning our bodies but not taking her yet. I let one of my hands slide down her flesh, cupping the delicate flare of her hip.
"You are my life," I tell her, easing inside of her and relishing the flare of pleasure that fills her eyes and makes her pant, focusing on her and not the nearly overwhelming pleasure swamping my senses. When I cannot be any more deeply sheathed within her, I stop, letting her body adjust to the invasion of mine, her heat seep into my skin.
Bella shudders and arches her back, her thighs trembling and her eyes falling closed as I begin to move. Slowly I stoke that heat and desire inside of her until she's calling my name with abandon, lost to everything but the call of our bodies.
"Come for me, Bella," I groan as I feel her already beginning that sweet, tugging spiral into her bliss, not wanting her to hold back. My hand on her hip spans inwards. Her tiny frame easily allows my large hand to hook around her body in such a way I can find the soft, tight, swollen bead of her clitoris with my thumb. Stroke it until she keens and arches and spills her pleasure over me in the sweetest abandon.
My teeth clench as I hiss her name in greedy approval, her body clenching around me, milking me, dragging me with her into oblivion. I have no power to resist the demands of her uninhibited response, and with a loud growl of possession and heat, I rear away from her to throw the excess power of my body into the headboard, snapping it nearly in half. The dozens of anchors bolting it into the wall in precaution of just this very thing, hold the halves in place.
My arms curl back around her, pulling her closer to me again now that the danger of my physical response has passed. Still rocking inside of her velvet wet heat, I lace kisses over her panting mouth. A soft whimper falls from her lips as I move deeper, stroking the most sensitive inner wall of her sex with precise thrusts.
Her skin dampens with perspiration and she trembles, her hips rising to meet mine, hungry again, seeking. Her nails attempt to bite into my back as I murmur encouragement.
"Does that feel good, love?" I murmur against her neck, though I can tell it does. Small sparking sensations of electricity radiate between us, the heat and energy that has existed from the moment I first touched her in a biology classroom a lifetime ago. So much stronger now with our connection.
"Yes, oh God, yes, Edward. Don't stop, please, don't stop."
As if I could. As if I ever would.
The taste of her skin fills me as I move my mouth to her neck then down to her flushed breasts. The flick of my tongue against her taut, rosebud nipples sends her careening over the edge again; her loud cry of bursting pleasure is the sweetest sound in the world.
I keep her in her bliss as long as I can, keeping my movements inside of her steady and sure, feeling her muscles clench and spasm around me. Her back arches like a drawn bow, her heels digging into the mattress, hands clenching in the sheets, resplendent in her pleasure. Slowly she begins to relax, releasing the tension that has kept her drawn up tight for hours.
Taking us to our sides without losing the connection of our bodies, I pull her leg over my hip, still rocking gently within her.
"Look at me, love."
She opens her eyes, pleasure drunk and so beautiful, so exquisitely beautiful I know I will never tire of this. I ache for her, so insatiably hungry, harder inside of her now than I was before, but the shadows beneath her eyes are vivid reminders she cannot accommodate this need in me. Not yet...
I kiss her mouth, then trail my thumb over her lips, gathering the venomous moisture I left there and drawing it down her body to the place we're joined, stroking in circles that make her tremble and gasp.
"That's it, love. Come for me one last time. Let it go, let it all go..."
She calls my name, her climax gentle this time, like rocking in warm waves.
As the last one curls up within her and then drifts away, I draw the blankets over us and nestle her against me, kissing her eyelids closed.
"Sleep, now, my life, my heart. You're safe. I have you. I won't let you go."
"I love you," she murmurs, even as her body melts into mine, falling under the weight of her exhaustion.
"And I you," I whisper back to her, though she's already asleep. She smiles as though she hears me in her dreams.
As the snowfall outside blankets the world around us, I listen to the sound of my family caring for a werewolf. Bella's words come back to me, echoing in my head around the sounds from the other room.
"I don't want to hate anymore, Edward. I don't want to be angry or afraid or want bad things for anyone anymore."
I wonder if it's possible. If she and I can ever find that kind of forgiveness and peace after all that has happened.
It seems impossible. I pray it isn't...
In the kitchen I hear Seth compliment Esme on the sandwich she made for him. Rose asking when the last time was he'd eaten, her tone disgusted yet tinged with amused thoughts as she places a drink in front of him. Carlisle, asking to see the healing abrasions on his palm, and Emmett, holding up a pickle and making a crude joke that nearly causes Seth to choke on his food. Alice, smacking him on the back, and Jasper rolling his eyes and chuckling when Seth yelps at how cold she is.
Over it all, Bella's soft breathing and steady heartbeat anchor me to her. In this moment it almost feels as though anything is possible.
Even the impossible.
. . . . . .
A/N Next update Nov. 29/2010
