Disclaimer: I am not George Lucas or J.K. Rowling.

Enter Luke, Han, and Leia, in Revan Tower.

Leia. Well, I though he must be. I knew he couldn't be pure Yuuzhan Vong, because they're about four meters tall. But honestly, all of this hysteria about Yuuzhan Vong . . . They can't all be horrible. It's the same sort of prejudice other humanoids have against Shistavanens. It's just speciesism, isn't it?

Han shakes his head with disbelief.

Exit all but Luke.

Luke removes the egg and opens it.

Egg. [in Calamarian] Come and seek us where our voices sound. We cannot sing above the ground. And while you're searching ponder this: we've taken what you'll sorely miss. An hour long you will have to look, and to recover what we've took. But past an hour, the prospect's black. Too late; it's gone. It won't come back.

Luke. What does that mean? What language are you speaking? What do you want me to do? [annoyed] O!

Enter Han and Leia.

Luke, Han, and Leia approach Chewbacca's treehouse.

Enter all fourth year Revans and Kuns.

Enter Shaak Ti, a red-skinned woman with long head-tails and white facial markings.

Ti. Hurry up now. The bell rang five minutes ago.

Han. Who are you? Where's Chewie?

Ti. My name is Master Shaak Ti. I am your temporary Animal Friendship instructor.

Luke. Where's Chewie?

Ti. He is indisposed. This way, please.

Ti leads the class toward the Unknown Regions.

Luke. What's wrong with Chewie?

Ti. That's not really your concern, is it, Master Skywalker?

Luke. I am concerned. What's up with him?

Enter the tauntaun.

Females. O!

Bria. Oh, it's so beautiful. How did she get it? They're supposed to be really hard to catch.

The tauntaun paws at the ground.

Ti. Boys, keep back. They prefer a female touch, tauntauns. Girls to the front, and approach with care. Come on. Easy does it.

Exit all females.

Luke. What do you reckon is wrong with him? You don't think a Zillo . . .

Marek. Oh, he hasn't been attacked, Skywalker, if that is what you're thinking. No. He's just too ashamed to show his big, ugly face.

Luke. What do you mean?

Marek removes a HoloNet recording.

Marek. There you are. I hate to break it to you, Skywalker.

Enter Javis Tyrr, a holographic image of the journalist.

Tyrr. Yoda, eccentric Grand Master of the Jedi Temple, has never been afraid to make controversial staff appointments. In September of this year, he hired Garm Bel Iblis, the notoriously blaster-happy former stormtrooper, to teach Defense Against the Dark Side, a decision that caused many raised eyebrows at the Galactic Republic, given Bel Iblis's well-known habit of attacking anyone who makes a sudden movement in his presence. Garm Bel Iblis, however, looks responsible and kindly when set beside the nonhuman Yoda employs to teach Animal Friendship. Chewbacca, who admits to being expelled in his third year, has enjoyed the position of gamekeeper at the Temple ever since, a position Yoda secured for him. Last year, however, Chewbacca used his mysterious influence over the Grand Master to secure the additional post of Animal Friendship instructor, over the heads of many better-qualified candidates. An alarmingly large and ferocious-looking being, Chewbacca has been using his newfound authority to terrify the students in his care with a succession of horrific creatures. While Yoda turns a blind eye, Chewbacca has maimed several pupils during a series of lessons that many admit to being "very frightening."

Enter Galen Marek, a holographic image of the dark-robed youth.

Marek. I was attacked by a varactyl, and my friend Cornelius Evazan got a bad bite off of a duracrete slug. We all hate Chewbacca, but we're just too scared to say anything.

Exit Marek.

Tyrr. Chewbacca has no intention of ceasing his campaign of intimidation, however. In conversation with a HoloNet reporter last month, he admitted breeding creatures he has dubbed "Zillo Beasts," highly dangerous crosses between Haruun Kal akk dogs and Mustafarian lava fleas. The creation of new breeds of Force-sensitive creatures is, of course, an activity usually closely observed by the New Republic Military Oversight Committee. Chewbacca, however, considers himself to be above such petty restrictions.

Enter Chewbacca, a holographic image of the Wookiee.

Chewbacca. I was just having some fun.

Exit Chewbacca.

Tyrr. As if this were not enough, the HoloNet has now unearthed evidence that Chewbacca is not, as he has always pretended, a Pureblood being. He is not, in fact, even purely humanoid. His father, we can exclusively reveal, is none other than the Yuuzhan Vong Attichitcuk, whose whereabouts are currently unknown. Bloodthirsty and brutal, the Yuuzhan Vong brought themselves to the point of extinction by warring amongst themselves during the last century. The handful that remained joined the ranks of the Sith, and were responsible for some of the worst mass mundane genocides of the Clone Wars. While many of the Yuuzhan Vong who served the Sith were killed by stormtroopers working against the dark side of the Force, Attichitcuk was not among them. It is possible he escaped to one of the Yuuzhan Vong worlds still existing in Wild Space. If his antics during Animal Friendship lessons are any guide, however, Attichitcuk's son appears to have inherited his brutal nature. In a bizarre twist, Chewbacca is reputed to have developed a close friendship with the boy who brought around Lord Sidious's fall from power, thereby driving Chewbacca's own father, like the rest of the Sith, into hiding. Perhaps Luke Skywalker is unaware of the unpleasant truth about his large friend, but Master Yoda surely has a duty to ensure that Luke Skywalker, along with his fellow students, is warned about the dangers of associating with Wookiees.

Exit Tyrr.

Han. How did he find out?

Luke. [to Marek] What do you mean, "we all hate Chewbacca?" What's this snogwash of his getting a bad bite from a duracrete slug? They haven't even got teeth.

Marek. Well, this should put an end to the beast's teaching career. Wookiee . . . and there was my thinking he had just swallowed a bottle of kolto when he was young. . . . None of the mommies and daddies are going to like this at all. They will be worried he will eat their kids. [laughs]

Luke. [angry] You . . .

Enter the females.

Ti. Are you paying attention?

Exit Ti.

All head back to the Temple.

Winter. I hope she stays, that being. That's more what I thought Animal Friendship would be like. Proper creatures like tauntauns, not monsters.

Luke. [angry] What about Chewie?

Winter. What about him? He can still be gamekeeper, can't he?

Exit all but Luke, Han, and Leia.

All enter the Great Hall.

Leia. That was a really good lesson. I didn't know half of the things Master Ti told us about taun . . .

Luke. [shows Leia the HoloNet] Look at this.

Leia reads Tyrr's report.

Leia. How did that horrible Tyrr find out? You don't think Chewie told him?

Luke. No. He never told us, did he? I reckon he was so mad he wouldn't give him loads of stuff about me, he went snooping around to get him back.

Leia. Maybe he heard his telling Mallatobuck at the ball.

Han. We would have seen him in the garden. Anyway, he's not supposed to come into the Temple anymore. Chewie said Yoda banned him.

Luke. Maybe he's got a cloaking device. Sort of thing he'd do, isn't it, hide in bushes listening to beings.

Leia. Like you and Han did, you mean.

Han. We weren't trying to hear him. We didn't have any choice. The stupid furball, talking about his Yuuzhan Vong father where anyone could have heard him.

Luke. We have got to go and see him, this evening, after dinner. We'll tell him we want him back. [to Leia] You do want him back?

Leia. I . . . well, I'm not going to pretend it didn't make a nice change, having a proper Animal Friendship lesson for once . . .

Luke glares at Leia.

But I do want Chewie back. Of course I do.

Luke, Han, and Leia approach Chewbacca's treehouse.

Luke. Chewie. It's us. Open up.

Drang. [off stage, whines]

Leia. What's he avoiding us for? He surely doesn't think we would care about his being a Wookiee?

Exit all.