Chapter 55:Tatooine: Alternating Directions

~Bastila~

I stared at the mask that lay upon my lap as I sat cross-legged in deep meditation. I could feel lingering traces of Pho...Revan's presence on the mask. I traced my fingers over the mask.

My eyes closed and I saw the past. Revan dying in my arms. Tears flowed down my face as I heard her words echoing in my memory.

"Please…. Don't let…..Malak…..must keep….the order of the galaxy intact."

How could Revan get so far from her original intentions? Or did she? Yet, Revan had been a Jedi when she left for the wars, that was clear. How did her ideals become so twisted? Yet in the end her words held the same desire she had when she left for war. A desire to keep the galaxy balanced and in order. Yet order within the Dark Side? The Dark Side brought chaos, it brought destruction and death. There was no order from the Dark Side, at least none that I could see. Over and over again, I pondered this. I needed to stop brooding over unanswered questions. Part of me had to know, why did Revan fall? There were no answers that made sense to me. I knew I had an unhealthy fixation on Revan and the bond I had with her didn't help. Yet, interacting with Phoenix convinced me of one thing and one thing alone, that went back to all those months back, I had always wanted Revan to live and I couldn't let her die. Working with Phoenix, I believed I saw small glimpses of the woman she had once been. I had never met Revan as a Jedi Knight, as I had only been a young child, an apprentice, when Revan had gone off to war. If I had been older, would I have gone off with her? I tried to reason that I understood the wisdom of the council, but I had only been a child. I had been much too young to even join Revan even if I had believed in her cause.

I had sacrificed so much of myself rescuing Revan from Malak. After this mission was over….we'd be bonded regardless. I was tied to her, an invisible strand or cord of the Force, that at times I felt I was going to be strangled with. I didn't want to be, perhaps that was why I reached out for a relationship with her. Thinking about it, I felt dread at the days, the months, and years ahead tied to a woman whose fate and destiny lay in my hands. Despite the fact, that this was not the way a Jedi should be, I wanted a companion, someone to share that burden. I felt so alone at times, I truly had no one who could carry the load I bore upon my shoulders. The only one who even had some sense of that burden was Phoenix….errr...Revan. Yet reaching out to the same woman whose charge lay in my hands was a mistake.

I loved Revan, and as much as I didn't want to admit to that love, it had drawn us together. Yet, to my horror I recognized that my love was one sided. Revan didn't really love me. Sure, at times she thought she did but she felt compelled to that love by our bond. I saw for what it was and she truly and completely loved Carth Onasi. I could feel it, she loved him with a brilliance that almost was blinding, even to me. In the end our relationship felt forced and I could not in good conscience continue it. I felt guilty that we had gone this far. Her reacting to the Sand People and reaching out with the Dark Side….if she had not stopped me… I would have been the one that had drawn on the Dark Side. Revan had spared me and taken the guilt and the pain upon herself. I felt the remorse and anguish swirl around her like a maelstrom. Perhaps it mirrored my own condemnation and pain as well.

"Bastila…..what are you doing with that mask?"

I looked up to find Juhani. She looked tired and her fur was drenched in sweat.

I sighed and gathered up the mask and put it in my pack. "I keep it to remind me of the tragedy of Revan's fall and how one person could be corrupted by the Dark Side."

"I thought that mask was destroyed…along with everything else that belonged to Darth Revan."

"I...I need it to keep myself centered and to remind me of our mission, Juhani."

"I understand. I only have to stare at Phoenix and remember that she saved me from the Dark Side. She saved me once before, did I tell you that?

I rolled my eyes. "Yes….you told me the first time."

Juhani noticed the annoyance in my eyes and in my voice. She stated, "I apologize if I have offended you, Bastila. Yet I want you to know that Phoenix was and is a good woman. I was a slave on the auction block on Taris, Bastila. She came with Revan and she drove fear into the hearts of the slavers that were planning on selling me. She was such a paragon of goodness and light. She thoroughly glowed with the Force. Yes, I know she fell but….I believe in the woman she is now. I know she was a Jedi called Akume, Bastila. I know little of who Akume is and that she may have been one of the most evil and vile of Revan's minions but...she's no longer that woman. Frankly, I don't care about her dark past. She has been redeemed and I have no doubt that we will defeat Malak with her aid."

I sighed, Juhani was so confident and so sure of herself and Phoenix. She believed in Revan's past and the woman she had been. It still raised the question within me: how could Revan fall?

I frowned a bit, I did not sense that Juhani was alone, yes there was Canderous but there were others. "Juhani…..why do I sense that we've picked up more lifeforms?"

Juhani smiled. "I am fulfilling the mission of the Jedi, Bastila."

I groaned inwardly. "You need to be mindful of our overall mission, Juhani not get distracted by different tangents!"

Juhani hissed. "And seeing to your father and your mother….isn't that also a distraction or a tangent!"

I cringed, the pain of my father's death still echoed through me and Juhani paused and stated, "Forgive me, Bastila I did not mean to cut you so forcefully with my words."

"No you are right, Juhani. It's just that….we really need to focus on our mission towards the Star Forge. Somehow we seem to always get distracted by other things. Anyway how many….lifeforms have we picked up?"

"Freyya, Zaalbar's father, Zaalbar's promised mate, Wrrljiykam, and ummm…..twenty or so wookiees….and errr one human."

"Twenty or so wookiees! They'll eat up all our supplies on the Hawk, plus where will we berth all of them?"

"I actually had an idea about food, Bastila. We have all those gizka that Phoenix picked up and I am sure Phoenix wouldn't mind if some of them got consumed by hungry wookiees. As for where they will berth, I am sure they wouldn't mind the cargo hold, at least till we get to Kashyyyk.

I sighed. "Yes….I suppose that is a way to get rid of some of those annoying reptiles. I just hope the wookiees are not that picky about what they eat. And what of this human?"

"He was a human that worked for Czerka. He's an old friend of Carth's, his name is Jordo Calrissian. He said he served with Carth with the Telosian militia. I sensed no deception from him, Bastila."

I nodded. "Very well….we will let Carth talk and deal with his friend. You really need to take a bath, Juhani."

Juhani scrunched up her face. "Cathar do not bathe…we groom ourselves."

"Juhani, you are beyond grooming. You look like a drenched womp rat."

Juhani sighed. "But….I don't like water….and I hate baths. Oh….here…." She handed me a datapad.

"What's this?"

"It is a map to the ruins that Czerka ran into, there's a krayt dragon near it. I had a feeling that this would be of interest to you and Phoenix."

I took a look at the datapad that had the map. "Hmm this looks interesting. According to the schematics that Czerka has with this map, these ruins look a bit vast and look like an underground network that leads up to a temple complex. If there's a krayt dragon, no doubt the creature has been drawn to the area because of the Dark Side."

I smiled softly at Juhani and said. "Thank you, Juhani, you have done a good job. I am sorry, I got upset at you about bringing a load of wookiees with us. It is obvious that our next stop will most definitely will be Kashyyyk. I don't think any of us will be able to handle that many wookiees on our ship for a long time. Now please, Juhani go take a bath, you have a….rather unpleasant aroma about you."

Juhani made a face and her fangs showed from her mouth. "I know I am going to hate this….but….I suppose thirty seconds….a minute….."

I shook my head. "Try five minutes."

"Five minutes! I'll catch my death from all that water!"

"No you won't. Breath….Juhani….relax you'll be fine."

Juhani sighed and began muttering the Jedi code as she went to the 'fresher. "There is no emotion there is peace….there is peace…..there is peace…."

I shook my head, how could….well Juhani was from a feline race, and felines had a notorious dislike for water. I just didn't think Juhani would be so...driven by her species' dislike of water.


~Canderous~

All these damn howls, grunts, and moans from a dozen or more wookiees was enough to drive me crazy.

It's a good thing I had Jordo with me. He seemed to understand the wookiees and he ushered them into the cargo hold. They sniffed, growled and hooted at him suspiciously. It seemed that they did not trust him, course they didn't seem to trust me either but him more so.

He said firmly, "Look, I am sorry….but you're safe now and I won't have Czerka claim you as lost property."

The wookiees growled at him and we left them to the cargo hold

I shook my head at the man apologizing to the wookiees and wondered if he was like Carth. "So is it true you know Carth?"

"Yea I do. We go way back."

"Tell me….what stories of combat do you have with the man?"

"Look Mandalorian, I really don't feel like rehashing the war with you. We fought against you with the Jedi. We beat you….end of story. We saved Telos from your lot only to have Revan and Malak bomb our planet into one big acidic vapor pool. Carth has every right not to like you or the Sith."

"And what are the reasons for that? I don't dislike Carth. I see him as a strong man who is loyal to his Republic clan. Loyalty even among Mandalorians is a good trait to have. I admire him for it, even though we were on opposite sides during the war."

"Aside from the fact that he fought for his home during the Mandalorian wars and the fact that the Sith killed his wife and took his kid from him."

"So Carth has scars from the wars, that's no excuse to take it personally against everyone, Jordo. You don't see me whining over it. My wife… and family...well….we were starving after that battle on Malachor V. I had no choice but to leave and take to mercenary work. I sent whatever creds I could to her for food and whatever I could send. We exchanged transmissions with each other for a time. She finally left me and took my children and...I haven't heard from her since. You think you Republic types are the only ones that suffered from the wars."

Jordo frowned at me. "The Mandalorian Wars were wars of your people's making, Mandalorian. You deserve what you got from it. I don't feel sorry for you, your people, or your wife and children. I doubt you feel sorry for me or Carth either."

I glared at the man a flash of anger rushed through me but I held it back. He was right. I didn't feel sorry for Carth or him. Sorrow and regret were emotions that I tried to bury deep within me. I had my own regret that quietly simmered up when I wasn't fighting or when I wasn't an enforcer with Davik. I didn't want other people's regret boring into me.

"War is war….Jordo. It's horrors and its travesties are shared equally among us all. So yea, you're right I don't feel sorry for you or Carth. All any of us can do is go forward and not look back."

Jordo nodded. "And I agree with you on that, Mandalorian. It's why I left my family back on Citadel Station on Telos and went to work for Czerka."

My admiration for the man improved. He was like me, he had left his family unit and was working to support them. "Then I suggest we focus on what we do agree on, Jordo and not with what we don't agree with."

He nodded. "Fair enough…"

I heard noise coming from the gangplank of the Hawk.

"I say you cheated, Nix."

I heard Phoenix's booming laugh. "Cheated….I don't cheat. I just uhh….well I am a Jedi...it's not my fault that I move quicker than the average human. And besides we were doing rec runs, we weren't keeping score, last time I checked."

I heard Carth laugh. "Take it easy you two….or am I going to have to separate you two from the rest of the crew."

They passed by us and Carth's eyes went wide. "Jordo…..Jordo Calrissian, what are you doing here? Last time I checked you were on….well Telos…."

"That's a long story….Carth. I'd rather….well...I'd rather talk to you about the past over some drinks and…."

His eyes went toward Phoenix. "Who's the pretty lady?" He ribbed Carth gently, "Tell me you're not…and a Jedi at that...I thought Jedi didn't…." He paused a moment, "well you know...suppose to be involved with scruffy nerf herders like you."

Carth coughed and Phoenix turned a bit red. Jordo responded with a smile, "Ehh it's alright….I get it. It's just after all this time..." He smiled softly at Phoenix. "It's just good to see Carth with someone after….well...I know Carth went through a rough patch what with…." Jordo paused and then said to Phoenix, "And you are?"

"Jedi Padawan Phoenix Lynn Star…." She bowed politely before Jordo and I rolled my eyes. It seemed as though, Phoenix was really showing off in front of Carth, using all the honorifics she had available to her. Phoenix Lynn? Who uses their full name like that? She really had it bad for the Republic.

Carth latched onto Phoenix's arm and smiled. "Yes..well….I think there is a restaurant and hotel here on this planet, it's attached to the cantina. We could have a few drinks, have dinner, talk about old times and well try and forget this awful war with the Sith for a while."

Jordo nodded. "Sounds like….a fine idea to me…."

I knew where I stood on this dinner and conversation invite, I was the outsider, the Mandalorian, and I didn't belong to this party. I caught a look of pity from Phoenix's eyes and I shrugged at her, I didn't want her sympathy and I quietly slipped away.


~Carth~

Phoenix quietly went to change out of the Dark Jedi robes she had been wearing. Fortunately, Jordo didn't say anything about it. It could have been the fact that the black robes had turned gray with a fine layer of Tatooine dirt and dust seeping into them from the swoop bike she rode. She promised me that she wouldn't wear the Dark Jedi robes.

While I waited for Phoenix, Jordo said quietly, "How serious are you with her?"

"Enough to tell you...hands off, Jordo. She's mine."

Jordo chuckled lightly. "Seriously Onasi, I am married. Besides, she's a Jedi. I didn't think they…."

"They normally don't….but Phoenix doesn't care."

"Ahh, so she's in willful defiance with the Order. I hope that doesn't burn you, Onasi. The last Jedi who were in defiance with the Order…."

"Yea…we ended up with Revan and Malak but I know Phoenix and she isn't Revan or Malak. She's different. She's not like any of the other Jedi I've met. She...well she's human. She doesn't keep people at arm's length or act all snooty. I…."

"You love her…" Jordo added with a smile. "I know you took Morgana's death really hard, Carth. It's good to see...well it's good to see you met someone that makes you….well live again."

I nodded and sighed. "It's been a long time coming, Jordo. I felt like….well at one time I felt that falling for Phoenix was like betraying my wife and her memory. But…she opened me up and….she helped me feel love again."

I saw Phoenix return and my shoulders slumped, damn….not Jedi robes but smuggler's clothing. I thought well I thought the Jedi had gotten rid of her smuggler's clothing. However, this ship had at one point belonged to a crime lord, I could only surmise that Phoenix must have found similar clothing that looked exactly like the clothing she had worn on Taris. I couldn't say that was better than the Dark Jedi robes but at least it was a step in the right direction. I just wished Phoenix would not blame herself for her actions against the Sand People. There was a deep sadness and pain that seemed quiet and hidden within her. She thought she could hide it from me but she honestly couldn't. I may not have been a Jedi, but I could tell. She held herself close to me as if she was seeking me out as a balm to whatever was troubling her.

We walked out of the Hawk and went into the restaurant attached to the cantina. The restaurant looked pretty damn seedy. Phoenix said bemusedly, "I bet they have jawas cooking the food, Republic. Now that I would pay to see."

A waiter, a twi'lek came up to us to seat us at a table and said, "Actually our head chef is a paaerduag."

We all raised eyebrows and Phoenix chuckled. "Well they always say two heads are better than one and having two heads, means two tongues and two tongues means two sets of taste buds. I am sooo looking forward to this."

I groaned at Phoenix's wry humor, somehow I knew that Phoenix would find some way to be witty. I didn't begrudge her the humor this time because it meant that she was healing or trying to heal over her encounter with the Sand People.

I responded to her wit. "You may be looking forward to this….but if we end up with food poisoning I won't be laughing."

Phoenix grinned. "Cheer up, Republic I am a Force user….a Jedi…. after all and I think I can manage to cure upset stomachs if it comes to that."

I looked incredulously at Phoenix, at her thought that she could heal us from stomach distress. "You think!"

"Well I do have a holocron from a Jedi Master Healer so give me some credit, Carth."

We sat down at the table. Phoenix suddenly looked far away as if her mind was somewhere else. She had been like this a lot lately. She thought I didn't notice but there were times where she seemed to be far away and at times it looked like she was mumbling to herself. I knew better to disturb her when she got this way. She'd come out of it on her own. I figured that's what I got being attached to a Jedi that had visions of Dark Lords of the Sith, and was determined to face down Malak. Yea, there was definitely something the Jedi weren't telling Phoenix or even me for that matter.

Menus were placed before us and Phoenix snapped out of her introspection and looked over the menu. We all settled for bantha steaks with all the fixings and a few drinks. Although Phoenix surprised me by going for something non-alcoholic. I looked at her with a shocked expression and she sighed, "I've sworn off drinking, Carth. Are you really that surprised?"

I could have kissed her, it was wonderful news that Phoenix had given up some of her rather bad habits.

Jordo said, "So Miss...where are you from? Carth doesn't tell me anything about you, except that you're a Jedi. And you obviously have a sense of humor but other than that…."

"I am from Deralia. Really not much there….farms, colonies….kind of boring actually and not much to talk about either. And I take it you're from Telos…."

Phoenix had skipped over her past by a wide margin, but I figured she didn't want to go into the sad story she had over losing her family. I knew the feeling because I didn't want to tell her about how I felt over losing my wife and my son.

Jordo sighed. "Yea, Telos….unfortunately I haven't been home too much after what Revan and Malak did to it. I've been trying to get enough credits together to move Lydia, Serena, and Little Jordo away from Telos. We were thinking maybe Naboo or even Dantooine. Telos just isn't the same anymore. I know the Telosian council was trying to give all native Telosians a small remittance to keep native Telosians to stay on Citadel Station."

I nodded agreeing with Jordo and our food and drinks arrived. We proceeded to eat and I said. "So how is your family?"

"They are doing well considering that living on a space station is not ideal at all. Oh that reminds me….I was at Korriban doing a run for Czerka and I saw Dustil."

My jaw dropped and I nearly choked on my steak. "What? What did you say Jordo?"

"Dustil, I saw him on Korriban. I thought….well….I thought you knew."

I shook my head and I suddenly wasn't hungry. "No…..Jordo. Dustil has been missing and I always... I thought….well I thought he was dead. Are….are...you...sure...it was him?"

"Pretty sure….he's a dead ringer for you Carth. He didn't recognize me but …." Jordo paused a moment and he sighed. "I am sorry...we were supposed to be catching up on old times and not end up talking about this horrible war but…well…."

"Well what? I deserve to know what's going on with my son."

"He's joined the Sith, Carth. There's an academy there and well he was all gussied up like them and had a lightsaber and everything."

I felt like I had been sucker punched and my hands grasped hard upon the table. Phoenix's hands grasped mine and she said softly, "We'll go to Korriban, Carth. I promise. We will save your son from the Sith."

I felt so very numb that I felt like the dinner went by me in a haze.


~Phoenix~

Dinner died a slow painful death with the revelation that Carth's son was on Korriban. I gulped at the realization we would be headed to the planet of the Sith. A dark coldness filled me as I promised Carth we'd save his son from the Sith.

Although I had no clue how we were even going to manage to get into Korriban's academy. I didn't even know when we were going to get there. There were several other planets we had to go to aside from this dark and sinister planet. I took over the dinner conversation because Carth looked so far away and so pained.

I didn't even want to know what he was thinking. Perhaps he was reliving his wife's death, perhaps he was reliving his betrayal by Admrial Karath and the bombardment of his home. I felt heavy inside as if I was somehow responsible for the pain Carth was going through. My mouth felt dry and no amount of water took away the powdery dryness that existed. Jordo said softly. "I am sorry, Phoenix really I am. I also didn't want to impose but I heard the Republic are hiring on Manaan and I well….I burnt bridges with Czerka and I need a job. Well I was kind of hoping that Carth….well him being with the Republic fleet and all….plus I need a ride."

I sighed. "You're kind of putting us all in a bit of a pinch, Jordo. I am on a mission for the Order. You're in luck that Manaan is one of the planets we are headed to but I can't even guarantee that we will be heading there right off….nor can I promise Carth that we can go to Korriban right away either. Sure I want to….heck if I could….I would bend all the powers of creation and then some but….even Jedi need to know their limitations and there is only so much I can do."

I was beginning to understand that I had my own limitations and sure I could surpass them but there were consequences for such things. Surpassing limitations…required a supreme sacrifice. I had done so with the Sand People. I still had the feeling that I could bend the Force to my will and then some. Yet….I had to be careful, if I tried to bend the Force to my will it was possible the Force would try to bend me to its will. In the end, who was the master? Was it I or the Force? Such thoughts gave me a slight headache.

The Jedi and the Sith have been trying to figure out these things for ages, Phoenix.

Revan…what conclusion did you come to?

The philosophy of the Jedi is just as limiting as the philosophy of the Sith, Phoenix. You've seen some of my actions, some of my memories that I am rediscovering as well. I never believed in turning my back on the philosophy of the Jedi, nor turning my back on the philosophy of the Sith, either. If that makes me evil then so be it.

Revan's words were puzzling. But such philosophies of both Orders are contradictory and will lead to one extreme or the other.

Yes, they are extreme. The Force is extreme. Try and find balance if you can.

Balance….yes...I remembered, damn it Revan had manipulated me into becoming a Force Consular. She wanted me to be a balance maker.

You were a Jedi Guardian, weren't you, Revan?

Ahh...yes…yes….I remember now. I was a guardian. I prized my blue lightsaber. I...I lost it….

You lost your lightsaber! You're as bad as Bastila. Where did you lose it?

I don't remember….Drom...Drom somewhere...no….I didn't lose it. I surrendered it. I think….I can't remember Phoenix. Please….don't bother me with such trivial questions.

I snorted, I would never surrender my lightsaber up. I would rather die.

Revan sighed. Yes….perhaps... I think I surrendered it….I can't remember but if I did...Perhaps death would have been better. Perhaps I surrendered more than just my lightsaber. Perhaps I surrendered... or did I sacrifice my soul as well. Leave me alone, Phoenix. Leave me to my misery. Nothing has turned out like I planned. Nothing! The Force surely hates me!

I don't know why but I felt kind of sorry for Revan. Was it wrong to feel such a way, but it sounded more like regret than anything else. Did Sith Lords feel regret? Well, apparently Revan did.

Jordo looked at me. "Phoenix?"

"Ehh….sorry….I was just contemplating our situation."

Jordo nodded. "I understand. Look I am not looking for a handout, Phoenix. But, I sacrificed my job with Czerka freeing wookiees and helping your friends out."

"We owe you for what you've done. I get that….and we will try and help you, Jordo. But I can't guarantee when we can help you." I sighed, "I still need to find….well we're on a mission to stop the Dark Lord Malak. So you can see our mission is so much more important than getting you to Manaan and even going to Korriban to find Carth's son. But we will do our best."

Jordo nodded. "I hear you, so it looks like I am going along with you for the ride."

I nodded. "Apparently so."

I squeezed Carth's hand, trying to get him to focus back on the moment. My heart ached for the man. He looked at me his features dazed, confused. I kissed him lightly on the forehead. "Come on my hairless wookiee, let's get back to the Hawk."

He nodded blandly and muttered, "He'd be a man now…."

I nodded, he was thinking about his son. "Or a boy in a man's body, Carth."

Carth sighed. "Yes….that's true...he still is a boy. Oh, Morgana….where did we go wrong? Our son….a Sith!"

Jordo said softly, "You're a good influence on him, Phoenix. I hope you two….well whatever the future brings you two...I hope it ends with you together."

"I've mucked things up, Jordo, badly. I wish I hadn't but I have. Yet I've made my course now and I am sticking with it. I love Carth and...well he needs me, just as badly as I need him."


A/N: Okay….next chapter for sure….Star Forge Map. *crosses fingers* I've got so many things going in so many directions but Tatooine is finally wrapping up. I am beginning to think the Ebon Hawk crew is damaged and I just happened to highlight it a lot. No wonder HK in KOTOR II said that his master traveled with whining simpering meatbags because they are all pretty beat up and damaged.

Oh and thanks Ether for mentioning that I forgot to have Griff ask Phoenix for credits. He still didn't ask...but I fixed it so that it makes more sense.