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The trip from Colorado to Scotland feels like a blur to John. When they arrive in the remote town Carson's mother lives in, he busies himself finding sleeping arrangements. There isn't an Inn big enough to accommodate of 6 of them, so John books 3 rooms in 2 different spots.

They are relatively close by, so it shouldn't be an inconvenience. Of course, John books Ronon and Rodney in the same spot as himself. Lorne, Zelenka and that woman from the medical team can stay at the other place.

After getting settled into their rooms and having a pint in the pub downstairs, Rodney tells them that he's going to head out to the Beckett's house. John would have preferred to stay and have a few more drinks, but he stands up in solidarity without bothering to ask if he is invited.

Rodney accepts his unspoken offer and they go together. At the house, John lets Rodney do most of the talking, interjecting a positive statement here and there about what a great man Carson was.

It is a difficult experience; there are tea and refreshments, and of course, weeping. While Carson's mother grieves, Rodney holds her hands. He looks moved but never breaks down himself; Rodney stays strong for her and treats her with care. He tells delightful stories about what a wonderful man her son was. If Carson were here he would be proud.

By the time they head back to the Inn, it is late. Fortunately, the kitchen is willing to make them a meal. Making dinner conversation doesn't seem appealing right now and they both request to have the food delivered to their respective rooms.

Though eager to sleep, John takes his time eating. He told Rodney that he could use the adjoining bathroom first. As he finishes his meal, he can hear the sound of the shower go on in the other room.

John checks his laptop. There was something he wanted to order while he had the chance, being back on Earth and all. It looks like it is finished; he should be able to pick it up once they are back in Colorado.

While waiting, John considers listening to his Johnny Cash song but decides against it. It's a tonic for pain, not to be abused when he is tired and numb. Finally, the sound of the shower goes off and it seems Rodney has returned to his room. John grabs his towel and knocks on the door.

No answer. Exhausted, John steps into the shower, he leans his head back in relief under the hot water. His neck is stiff from the flight. Then he realizes he forgot his toothbrush back in the room.

He just wants to sleep, so he rubs his fingers over his teeth in the water and turns the spigot off. Quickly drying, he puts on a comfy black shirt and fresh boxers. He's about to get in bed, but grimaces at himself. It'll take less than a minute. He grabs his toothbrush and returns to the bathroom. His hand is on the sink faucet when something stops him from turning it on.

A noise. It is muffled, but the gut wrenching sobs are unmistakable. His stomach lurches. Rodney. This is not the sound of quiet grieving; it is the sound of utter despair, brokenness of spirit, wailing for relief that doesn't come.

John feels something, emotion slamming painfully through his body. Hearing Rodney hurt has made the off switch go back on. Fuck it hurts. Everything hurts. It doesn't matter, he has to get to Rodney, make it better. John turns off the bathroom light and cracks the door into the darkened room.

Rodney is hunched over himself with his face buried in a pillow. The bed is doublewide and John climbs up onto it without thinking. Rodney's sobs lessen a bit, like he is trying to regain control. John grabs a pillow and places next to Rodney on the middle of the bed.

Then he lies down, folding himself around Rodney's shape and placing his arms gently around Rodney's back. Choking a little bit, Rodney's sobs hitch, but John can tell it is in relief.

Oh. This is how he should have gone to Rodney before, when they were in Antarctica. He should have taken him in his arms.

"I've got you, Rodney." He whispers. "It's going to be okay."

"N-no." Rodney makes a keening noise and speaks into the pillow, in fits and spurts. "It... It...is-isn't…"

"Maybe not." John sighs, pulling Rodney closer, "But you're not alone."

And Rodney seems to accept that. His body goes limp and he cries in a different way. It is still the sound of grieving an irreplaceable loss, but it is comforted instead of lonely. John's hands move across Rodney's back with familiarity, intimate and loving. Rodney seems to feel it, as his sobs start to lessen in strength and come more infrequently.

Holding Rodney now, John feels so much love. He has been aching to show it somehow. He hates how needy he has felt for Rodney, but having Rodney here needing him, makes it so much easier. Easier not to feel desperate and weak for needing someone he shouldn't. Rodney has given him a reason to express love that doesn't need justification.

He does have a heart, he can feel it now, and it belongs to Rodney.

John snakes his hands across Rodney's frame with all the tenderness he has never expressed, all the emotion that is in his soul.

Slowly, Rodney's breathing returns to normal, he is saying something but John can't make it out through the pillow. He reaches his hand up and gently pets Rodney's head. Oh. That feels too good. He keeps his hand where it is and pets Rodney's hair again. It is so soft.

"Can't hear you through the pillow."

As Rodney starts to turn his face, John reluctantly lets his hand slip away. Rodney turns to his side, facing John.

Inching closer, John keeps his arms and body protectively wrapped around Rodney; Rodney's tearstained face only a few inches from his, just far enough away to gaze easily at each other.

Rodney gives him that beseeching look again; like he is searching for something he lost. John lets his eyes radiate the emotion he is feeling and softly smiles. He wishes he could tell Rodney how much he loves him, but if he can't say it, at least he can show it.

Whatever Rodney needs right now, John will try to give it to him. He reaches up again to Rodney's hair, petting it. Lost in the sensation, he lets his fingers trail down the side of Rodney's face without meaning to. Rodney looks confused and his mouth opens in surprise. Feeling guilty, John moves his arm to Rodney's shoulder, petting his back instead.

"What were you trying to say before?" He asks.

"It was all my fault, you know." Rodney lets his eyes rest in John's, he looks sad but relaxed and spent.

John starts to disagree with him but Rodney cuts him off. "Don't. Don't try to tell me what to feel."

"I, I was supposed to go fishing with him." Rodney continues, "It was all he was looking forward to for weeks and I didn't have the heart to tell him that I hate fishing.

And, and, I had those junior techs checking out that machine. If I had just done it myself there wouldn't have been any exploding tumors but-

But I wasn't a good friend because I lied to Carson. I lied to get out of the fishing trip. And it was a terrible lie, he knew it was a lie and he was too kind to call me on it. I told him that Katie and I hadn't had enough time to spend together, that we barely saw each other and she was guilting me about the relationship. So you see-"

"I was a selfish friend," Rodney takes a big breath, "he was the only person in the world who ever got to know me completely, to really know me. He knew all my dark secrets, things I've never told anyone else and he was still my friend. He was the kind of friend I thought I'd never have, but I was selfish.

My last act as a friend was petty and selfish. How can I ever forgive myself for that? For being responsible for killing my best friend in the world? There will never be anyone like him. And now he's gone, and, and, and I can't even say I'm sorry." Rodney's eyes begin to well again but he stays calm.

Letting him make his confession, John keeps petting Rodney and holding him. He feels sad realizing Carson knew Rodney better than himself, that Rodney doesn't tell John everything. He knows it isn't fair, he hasn't told Rodney all of his dark secrets but he wishes he could. He wishes he was something more, at least Rodney's best friend.

"People that get to know me usually don't like me very much, Carson was different." Rodney says morosely.

"I like you Rodney." John objects.

"Yeah, but…" Rodney seems dismissive as if John didn't enter his calculations, "You don't count, you're-"

"I'm what?" John prompts him.

"Well you're you, you're," Rodney answers offhandedly, "weird."

"I'm weird?" John raises his eyebrows.

"Yeah," Rodney gives a sad laugh, "that's, ah, hardly saying anything coming from me."

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Realizing suddenly that he isn't crying anymore, Rodney feels embarrassed about his meltdown. He has to say something to give John permission to leave.

"Well. I guess I'm okay now." He smiles weakly.

But John doesn't let go; he moves his hands deliberately across Rodney's back and squeezes him closer. Rodney sighs and surrenders to John's attention. Nothing feels as good as this, being held like this is amazing. It makes Rodney lightheaded, makes him think about how much more he wished he could have had with John.

He has gotten used to setting such thoughts aside. But for the moment, he will let himself indulge in whatever this is. Whatever this is, John has never touched him like this before, but Rodney knows he won't stay like this for long. The occasions when John makes himself accessible are few and fleeting; he disappears again just as suddenly.

It doesn't matter; Rodney will take what he can get. He closes his eyes and shivers under John's touch. Then, uncurling his arms from his chest, he reaches out to feel John. When John doesn't recoil from him, Rodney is emboldened.

Returning the gentle caresses, he reaches his arms around John and runs his fingers down his back. He keeps it simple, not doing anything other than what John has already done.

When he remembers that John was petting his hair earlier, Rodney starts to think about how much he has always wanted to touch John's dark locks. He works up the courage and then reaches up, unsure of where to start. He sets his hand on the back of John's neck and combs up with his fingers wide.

Oh Wow. It is thick and wild. Rodney's hand finds the top of John's head and he can't stop himself from closing his fist and clenching at the unruly mane.

John inhales sharply and Rodney self-consciously releases his grip. But he needs more, he needs to be closer to John; he nestles up against him and rests his head in the crook of John's arm. John accommodates and moves his body even closer, pressing into Rodney.

A deep feeling of contentment overtakes him and Rodney sighs. Letting a hand rest on John's chest, he enjoys the sensation of John's fingers sweeping over his head and back. After a while Rodney realizes he must have drifted off to sleep. John is rousing him.

Petting his head softly, John asks, "Hey… Rodney? You want to move up to the…"

"Mmmm." Rodney mumbles sleepily. He follows John under the covers, bringing his pillow back to the head of the bed. As soon as they are under the blanket, they move together seamlessly, reaching for each other.

He rests his head on John's shoulder, his hand across John's chest. The way they are right now feels so completely connected, embracing each other, their bodies folded into each other in a perfect fit. Somehow he always knew they would fit perfectly if they could hold each like this. Rodney closes his eyes and lets himself fall asleep to John's loving caresses.

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After a night of drinking with Lorne, Ronon stumbles up the stairs to his bedroom. Honestly, he could have gone another few rounds. He doesn't even feel tired. John is usually up late, maybe he'll see what he is up to. Ronon looks at the room across the hall from his. The light is peeking out from under the door; Ronon enters without knocking.

The bed is empty, still made. Ronon starts to reach for his pistol before he remembers where they are no Wraith in Scotland. He turns the light off and wonders where John could have gotten to.

Then he hears a voice from the next room. It sounds like John, "Hey... Rodney..." The rest he can't make out.

Ronon turns the bathroom knob and walks in. The door to the adjacent room is wide-open and he is shocked to see John and Rodney getting into the same bed. As soon as they are under the blanket they move together in a way that is very familiar and intimate.

Rodney curls up on John's chest and John strokes Rodney's head in a loving and protective manner. Ronon is a bit drunk so he just stands there with his mouth gaping, taking the scene in.

Wow. John and Rodney… He never would have guessed. But wait, they aren't together? Rodney is with Katie Brown, it's not like he ever lets anyone forget the fact.

Oh. And there's the connection. John's breakdown started around the same time Rodney started dating Katie. So what the hell are the 2 of them doing together now, and why would John be so secretive about this? Ronon comes to and backs out of the room as quietly as he can. None of his business. He heads back to his room to crash.

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Blinking and coming to, Rodney realizes it's morning and he and John are still tangled lazily across each other. They've done this before –slept in the same bed… but never all wrapped up in each other under the same blanket… Never so, so intimate. Those other times, John was always up and out of bed in the morning before Rodney, acting like nothing had happened; and of course they never talked about it afterward.

This could be awkward. How will John react? Usually John gets up much earlier than he does and he wonders if John is awake now. As if to answer the question, John sleepily stretches and reaches over to Rodney, grabbing him under the covers and spooning him with their legs intertwined.

Whoa. This is different.

John seems contented to doze off again and Rodney relaxes. He feels so tingly and lightheaded with John breathing into his neck, snuggled against him, his arm hugging Rodney's chest… Rodney feels so blissfully peaceful.

When he wakes again John is standing over him gently shaking his shoulder, "Hey… We got that church thing."

"What time is it?!" Rodney sits up in alarm.

"It's about 8:30am Greenwich Mean Time" John answers.

"Oh my God," Rodney jumps up out of bed, "we've got to go. I don't have time to order food now and I'm going to get all hypoglycemic. I've got to say some profound words and, and…"

Panicking, Rodney doesn't understand why John looks so calm. John smiles and gestures like a stewardess to a platter of food on the table.

"Wow," Rodney blinks, "coffee and everything."

He looks up at John shyly, "Thanks, that's really… Thanks."

"Ronon and I will be downstairs." John gives a playful nod towards the door.

A rush of gratitude washes through him as he watches John walk away. John has made him feel like he isn't alone, like he doesn't have to do this alone. Last night Rodney had felt like he wasn't going to live through these feelings, but now… Well, at least it is bearable.

John is a really good friend. If only he didn't look so unbelievably sexy in his formal military attire. Rodney needs to put that out of his mind and be thankful that he didn't lose his last friend in the world when he lost Carson.

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"Is he still sleeping?" Ronon asks when he sees John walks back downstairs,

"Nah, he's up." John smiles.

Ronon looks at John thinking about what he saw last night, "Nice of you to bring him breakfast in bed."

"Hey, what are friends for." John shrugs easily.

"Yeah." Ronon lifts his brows ambivalently.

During the church service Ronon watches John. He isn't acting any differently than he normally does, but Ronon is reinterpreting everything he thought he knew. When John gives Rodney an easy scowl or lifts an eyebrow, Ronon can see the protectiveness.

John might appear easygoing, but he is acutely aware of every move McKay makes, like he is guarding him. Ronon is sure that John must be in love with Rodney. It is strange, definitely. Not the type he thought John was interested in, but it's pretty obvious now that he knows.

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