I'm out on the edge and I'm screaming my name
Like a fool at the top of my lungs
Sometimes when I close my eyes I pretend I'm alright
But it's never enough
-Jason Walker-
There were plenty of things Lily had spent nights thinking about, to prepare herself for what was to come, but somehow doing a disposition on a Death Eater attack never made the cut.
Once she did have the terrifying nightmare that the Ministry was going to arrest her for something trivial and small, but it was just a wild crazy thought. She never thought she'd ever have to come to the Ministry unless she was doing an internship or starting a job. Never this.
Lily arrived on the edge of the Potter property and waited outside for Mr. Potter to come out as he promised he would. Mr. Potter insisted she not come inside as James would undoubtedly insist that he come with her for moral support and that would be more harmful than helpful so she waited.
Her pulse was racing, but there was little she could do to fix this. It was natural for her anxiety level to be raised so no amount of logic or reasoning would fix that. So she just rocked back and forth on her heels trying to gain a little perspective. Hey, at least they were asking her to do this and not Peter. Yes, she almost died, but considering the hell Peter was going through Lily wanted more than anything to do something to help and this way she could.
It was weird. She wasn't really friends with Peter and often thought about how despite everything that hadn't changed. With most people if you spend enough time around them then you naturally just find out things about them and start doing things together, but it never worked out that way for them. It was kind of a more passive version of Dorcas and Sirius's relationship. They were two people who happened to be friends with all the same people, but never particularly liked each other.
Still she felt so bad for him she wished she were better friends with him, just so she would know of more things to do to help ease his suffering. Dorcas and Marlene were switching off shifts to visit him before the funeral, so maybe she could go with one of them for a few hours and bring him some of his favorite sweets? If they were busy Remus or Sirius could go with her and then they could help her pick out what Peter would want.
That would work and then she could at least help even if it was just a small little thing that just made him feel the slightest bit better.
Sighing, Lily tried to pat down her hair and fix the strands of her hair that refused to stay pinned back. Mr. Potter had said she could dress casually as she wasn't under any kind of investigation, but Lily still wore her professional shorts and a white ruffle top that had once been her mothers. It wasn't too much, but she was sure she looked like she was going for a job interview and not a witness hearing.
Every few seconds she looked up; half-worrying that it would be James that came out and half-worrying it wouldn't be.
It had only been two days since the attack, but already she missed him. She didn't understand it, but it was like a part of her ached for him and it was beginning to really freak her out.
They couldn't be anything more than friends. Even if it killed her she had to keep it platonic. Heathers death was awful and also a message to anyone who dared get involved with a Muggleborn. Esmee had said that the only reason Peter survived was because they thought they already killed him. Lily didn't want that for James. He was destined for more than to die just because the girl he loved was in the line of fire.
James Potter was meant for so much more than that and she wanted him to have the life he deserved. She wished that he would just forget about her and find someone better for him, but a large part of her knew that if he ever actually did that it would break her heart. That was the devil of it, she didn't want to feel this way and she didn't want him to feel the way he did either. Their lives would be a lot less complicated if they were just friends with nothing lingering between them, but since she did feel this way she couldn't even pretend anymore that she'd be happy if he moved on. It was so incredibly selfish and Lily felt more and more guilty about it every day, but she couldn't help it. She wanted him, but she knew she shouldn't and that was something she'd have to deal with.
All she had to do was kill those feelings inside of her. If she did that then she could be real friends with him and show him that he really didn't belong with her. James could find a girl and Lily would even help him do it. James was more than worthy of happiness and she was determined that he should find it... even if it wasn't because of her.
Mr. Potter stepped out of the house; he was in royal blue robes, with a serious expression on his face that looked extraordinarily like the one his son rarely wore. He saw Lily and gave her a nod.
"Alright, so I have pulled a few strings. You will be talking with just a few Auror's and Wizengamot members." He explained, stooping to look at her.
Lily nodded, rolling her lips back and pressing them together.
"You'll be fine Lily. Remember; just tell them what you know. You did nothing wrong so you have nothing to be nervous about."
She recognized the logic in that and relaxed a bit. "Okay."
"Come on," He put on her arm for her to take. "Let's go."
Taking a deep breath, she did as she was told and prepared herself for the inevitable pull of apparation.
Dorcas leaned back against the wall directly beside Peter's bedroom door. Her eyes were loaded with tears and she was using every bit of strength she had to hold them back, but she was losing steam. Marlene was going to come in a moment or two and take over, but Dorcas couldn't do it anymore. She always thought she was a strong person. Any insult or threat thrown her way would never scare or ruin her, but watching Peter fall apart thrusted a knife into her the center of her heart.
People have different strengths and Dorcas knew that, she did. Lily was good at organizing and being in control of a situation. Marlene was good at taking care of other people and doing the right thing and Dorcas was good at taking charge.
There was no way she could go back in with Peter sobbing or speechless. This was where her strength struggled; this was where her power failed. She wanted to be that person who could handle everything. That was always the person she thought she was, the ultimate friend who could be whatever the other person needed them to be in their time of crisis.
But she wasn't, she was weak and helpless and the guilt was consuming her.
Her warm brown hair had grown out a lot over the summer, but it had been days since she had put any effort into it. Her fingers dug into it, as her thin body flattened against the wall and her knees locked together.
"Dorcas?" Mrs. Pettigrew whispered timidly, her grey hair falling into her plain face.
Dorcas stood up straight, and took a breath like she hadn't been upset. "Hi Nora, sorry I'm just-"
"You don't have to explain." The much older woman said kindly, her eyes thick with concern. "Peter is a lot to handle when he's upset. He gets very attached to people and," She lowered her voice, "I believe with Heather's death his depression is back."
"...Depression?" Dorcas breathed in confusion.
"After his father died, he wouldn't leave his bed for a month."
Dorcas looked away in shame. "He told me he wasn't feeling well…"
"Well he wasn't." Mrs. Pettigrew frowned, "I worry about his symtoms…His father suffered from depression as well."
"He has us this time."
"I appreciate that dear, but I believe that he and his father are very similar." Her high-pitched voice lowered, as her blue eyes locked on the shut door. "You two have been friends for a long time so I think you should know something."
"What is it?" Dorcas asked nervously.
"Peter's father went to see a therapist all of his life. He always was self-defeating and had low self-esteem, but he was a sweet and kind man."
"Like Peter."
Mrs. Pettigrews face shook, though she didn't cry. "Dorcas, did Peter tell you he was the one to find his father?"
"Marlene told me. She said he had a heart attack."
"It…it wasn't a heart attack. Peter always says it was, but it wasn't… He killed himself Dorcas."
Speechless, Dorcas clamped her hands over her mouth.
"Don't tell Marlene, and don't come over anymore than you have to because I told you that. Peter is a good boy, but you can't be with him all the time. I'm going to take him to see a therapist next week to help him through this." Mrs. Pettigrew added gently, "We can't fix people. We can only save the ones who want to be saved. And he'll get there. I'm sure he will."
Dorcas couldn't speak, so she just nodded.
Mrs. Pettigrew was a very short woman. She placed her large hands on Dorcas's cheeks, and pulled her face down so she could plant a kiss on her forehead.
Lily's stomach turned over and over again. She had finished her testimony three minutes earlier and they had yet to speak to her. It did give her some comfort to see that Dumbledore was one of the people conducting the interview, but he didn't acknowledge her any differently than the other members had so it wasn't quite as soothing as she wished it had been.
"Ms. Evans," An older woman began in a dark voice, "Who told you to send your friends to the Ministry incase of an emergency."
Lily furrowed her eyebrows. "No…no one. I just thought-"
"And how did you know how to fight against the so called, 'Death Eaters?" The same woman asked, her tone sharp. "You are about to be a seventh year, but I do not believe they actively teach dueling at Hogwarts."
"We do." Dumbledore informed the woman calmly. "We want our students to be prepared for any dangers they might face in the world."
A scowl crept up on the woman's face. "And Ms. Evans what is your involvement with Mr. Potter?"
"Um, his son goes to school with me…"
"I was referring to James Harold Potter." She clarified.
Lily paused, giving Dumbledore a look. "Um…he's my friend. He's in my house and in my year at Hogwarts-"
"And he too saw the Death Eaters?
"What is with this line of questioning Carol?" A younger brunette woman with thick-rimmed glasses asked.
"Because Diane, I'm trying to understand the situation. I find it very odd that a muggleborn would not only be well versed in dueling, but could convince a pureblooded by in good standing to risk his life-"
"…Are you saying I'm lying?" Lily breathed in surprise.
"Are you?" She countered, her green eyes narrowed.
"I have to agree with Carol." The man beside Dumbledore said as he scratched his patchy facial hair. "It does sound highly unlikely."
"Several Auror's saw it happen." The youngest man spoke clearly, giving Carol and the other man a stern look. "Highly decorated officers-"
"Yes," Carol waved that away, "But we aren't talking to Auror's. We are talking to a teenage girl and they don't know what happened before they arrived."
Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Well then might I suggest that we take what Ms. Evans has already explained into account and release her. Unless you have any more questions that are relevant to the case."
Carol and the man that had agreed with her both scowled. "You may go."
Uncomfortable, Lily straightened her shirt and rose to her feet. "Thank you."
It had been the most awkward hour of her life and she was relieved to be free of it. The whole time she wished Mr. Potter could have come inside with her. He would have stopped them from implying that she wasn't capable of fighting Death Eaters and being friends with a pureblood. But she was technically an adult and therefore couldn't have an unauthorized adult in the proceedings.
Walking out of the office, she felt her hands quiver slightly, but she kept it together. Mr. Potter said he would come back for her. So all she had to do was just forget about what just happened and just wait for him.
The room filed out and she let out a sigh of relief when she saw the horrible woman keep walking. That relief was short lived however, because just as Dumbledore apparated out the man that had agreed with Carol, the woman with the patchy facial hair, stopped in front of her.
"No one believes you, you know." He informed her flippantly.
She bit her bottom lip furiously, trying not to rise to his bait.
"The word of a Mudblood might get you far in school, but that won't last long."
"I'm sorry I never caught your name." Lily said cutting, crossing her arms boldly.
"Mr. Golan," He told her, his light eyes narrowed. "So if I were you girl, I'd watch my step-"
"Ten seconds," Mr. Potter interrupted flatly, waltzing up to them.
Mr. Golan stared at him with confusion. "...What?"
"That's how long you have to get out of my sight, before I force you out of my sight." He said firmly.
Mr. Golan scoffed. "I'm not afraid of you Potter."
"Yeah? Why because you have a friend in high places?"
He didn't reply, but his lips thinned.
"You can try to act like you are above bullying people you see as weaker than yourself, but you are not better than the rest of them, because you are still his little bitch." Mr. Potter informed him, before placing his hand on Lily's shoulder and steering her away from Mr. Golan.
"Bastard," Mr. Potter growled furiously. "He wasn't supposed to be in there."
"Mr. Potter-"
"I don't have long left here," He told her as he saw the concern building in her eyes, "I've worked here for decades. I started as just a normal Auror and built my way up to being Head of the department. And soon I will be forced out. They have already started trying trick me into doing something so they can discredit me." His brown eyes flickered to Lily's sad face, "Regardless I won't let anyone talk to you that way."
She gave him a small smile. "Thank you, Mr. Potter."
"I should cool my temper…I used to have a better control of it, but lately I have been slipping."
"You're a lot like your son." Lily said without meaning to as they moved into the lift.
"Really?" He said softly, a grin on his face. "I always thought he had more of his wife in him."
"From what I have seen of Mrs. Potter he is a lot like her to. He takes care of people, likes to tease and worries about them constantly, but he has your passion, intensity, temper, leadership skills and protective instincts." She listed of analytically.
Mr. Potter said, "You think so?"
"He's a blimey idiot, don't get me wrong," Lily laughed as the doors shut, "but he has his moments and when he does, he really does."
"And, what exactly is your relationship with my son?"
Startled, her eyes grew wide and her cheeks flushed. "Oh, just friends."
"Ah huh."
Lily shook her head. "I don't know why that is such a popular question today…People died, why would anyone care about my life?"
"Most pureblood families have a tapestries listing their family tree, but our family has died out immensely over the years." Mr. Potter commented, "James is the last Potter that can pass on the family name and since we are a very old pureblood family people would like the family line to stay pure."
"And they think if I do go with James I'll taint it?" Lily said thinking of her sister's words.
"Racist people do, but I wouldn't give them another thought."
"Why?"
"Because they are idiots. Who are also probably offended that you are a ginger or short." Mr. Potter ran a hand through his almost completely grey hair. "Once a person starts down a path to find perfection, they will look for any and all excuses to exclude other people until there's no one left."
Lily looked up at Mr. Potter and sighed. "It sounds exhausting."
"I'm sure it is. Regardless, you are coming over for dinner tonight." He told her. "Dorcas, and Sirius are having family dinner tonight with us and we would be delighted if you would join us."
"Are you sure?"
He paused outside of the elevator. "Of course. The only way you let people like that win is by letting yourself think there is any truth to their hatred. So come along Lily."
Lily smiled and followed him without putting up a fight.
James rolled out of his room, and walked through the house to the kitchen. There Remus was waiting patiently with a mug of coffee in his hand.
"About time mate. How long does a shower take?"
"Long time. I fell asleep in there." James admitted. "I haven't been sleeping much lately.
Remus looked him over. "Still having those dreams about Lily?"
"Yeah." James sighed rubbing his eyes.
"So what's the plan? Your mum invited me over for dinner tonight. So when are you going over to check on Pete?"
"I'm about to go over to Pete's with his favorite cheese now. Then I should be back in a few hours for dinner." James told Remus, a somber look on his face. "What time is the funeral tomorrow?"
"6."
"Well the girls are going early, but I thought we could go with Peter. Give him a bit of support."
Remus nodded leaning against the kitchen counter. "Sounds like a good idea."
"I can't believe this has happened," James muttered looking down, "Just…poor Pete."
"I know…I don't know what I would have done if it had been me." Remus admitted, biting the side of his lip."
"I know she's a muggleborn, but I don't think you have to worry about Dora. She can fight better than most of us."
"I still worry." Remus said flatly, "Coming back and seeing that note in her handwriting…Well I'm just glad you guys made it out."
James nodded, his face tight, "I really thought we wouldn't."
"Well you did. You and Lily."
"You should have seen her." James whispered in admiration.
Remus's face curved into a small smile. "She said it was you who were the brave one, standing up to Voldemort."
"…She said that?" James asked in surprise.
"Yes she did."
"Oh..."
"I know, it must be shocking to hear that she says genuinely nice things about you after all these years."
James shrugged, with a mixed expression on his face. "I just didn't expect is all."
"Don't go getting ahead of yourself. You know Lily, she might see this as a reason to pull away from you."
"Why does she have to be so noble?" James rolled his eyes with an undertone of disgust.
"Because if she wasn't you wouldn't be mad about her."
"Fair enough." James looked up and saw Dorcas walking through the grounds. "That's my cue to leave. I'm going to floo over. I'll see you later mate."
James clapped his hand on Remus's shoulder, the cheese under his arm as he left the room.
Remus smiled when he saw Dorcas, but his face fell when he saw her face red and her shoulders shaking from sobbing.
"I'm a hhhorrible person."
"No you aren't. What's wrong?"
"Yyes I aam. Yyou're biased bbecause yyou llove meee."
Remus scooped her up into his arms. "Shhhh."
Dorcas burrowed her head into his neck. "I sshould hhave bbeen there for hhim."
"Just breathe Dora," He told her softly rubbing her back.
Her grip on his back tightened, though her breathing was slowing down.
He kissed the top of her head, pushing her hair back with his free hand. "You're going to be alright. You're going to be fine."
Dorcas took a step back away from him after a few minutes. She used the bottom of her palms to wipe away her tears and he she took his hand and started walking up to her room with him. Remus was confused, but he didn't say anything. He followed her without question and just hoped that she would be okay. They'd been dating for months, but he hadn't seen her cry this hard since Marlene was kidnapped.
He knew what was happening to Peter was affecting her the most, but he didn't expect her to fall to pieces.
She shut her door, shut her blinds and dragged him into her bed. "Cuddle." She ordered him, earning a low laugh from him.
"Okay boss."
"I'd say you don't have to, but you do."
He wrapped his arms around her. "I have no problem with that."
Dorcas settled against him, her eyes big and fixed on him. "I just…I wish I could do more for Peter…I feel like I should have been there for all of it. I feel like I should have known…but just…god. I'm a horrible person."
"You aren't a bad person Dora," He insisted, using his fingertips to tilt her face upward. "You just feel bad."
"I just don't want anything to happen to Peter."
"We will protect him." Remus promised. "James and Mar are with him right now and tomorrow we will all be there. We won't let him be alone. Not even for a second. Like he would if it were any of us."
Her hand rose to cup his face, her fingers rolling across his stumble tenderly. "…I'm glad you weren't there."
"I'm glad you are okay."
"I'm sorry, if I'm difficult and hard to be with." She blurted out before she could stop herself.
He kissed her hands and shook his head. "No one is perfect Dora, and I don't mind. I enjoy being with someone that challenges me."
"And…" Her voice grew tight, "I want to thank you."
"For what?"
"Not expecting me to tell you I love you…Most guys would have bolted."
Remus stroked her cheeks. "I love you why would I leave before giving you the chance to feel the same way."
"I…I do."
"…what?"
"I…" She braced herself for a minute. "I do. I um…I love you. I was just scared and I didn't want to hurt Marlene and…but…I love you-"
Remus seized her, his lips feverish on her as he pressed her as close to himself as he could manage. Dorcas responded instantly, her legs wrapping around his waist, her arms hugging around his torso.
When he let her go, Dorcas swooned when she saw the emotions lingering in his eyes. "Say it again," He asked her.
Despite her best intentions she giggled, "I love you."
"I love you too," He breath warm on her face, as his nose grazed against hers.
"I'm still a horrible person."
"No you aren't and you will prove it by spending the whole day tomorrow supporting Peter and being there for him." He kissed every inch of her face lightly forcing a smile out of her.
"Okay... Okay."
"I'm sorry if I'm sometimes horrible and difficult to be with," He said back.
She snorted. "Apology accepted."
"What you don't love me anyway?"
"Nope."
He saw the smile fighting to make it's way across her face and started kissing her neck knowing what it would do. She let out a gasp, her fingers digging into his back. "Remus!"
"What?"
"Fine! Just stop that!" Dorcas said squirming away from him. "I'm not doing that, with you, here."
Remus laughed putting his hands up in innocence. "My apologies miss."
Dorcas waited a beat, her expression growing serious. "Do you honestly think he'll be okay?"
"I don't know, but I hope so."
"…Want to take a nap?"
"Sure," He let her turn on her side, and he snuck his arm around her and tugged her back to his front. "I love you," he murmured into her ear.
Dorcas's eyes filled up with tears, and she hugged him closer. "I love you too."
