A/N: Before we continue with the story…everyone…look at that blue number above this….just ….look. Come on!! Don't Be Shy!!!
You see it! Do you see that number? Now, I'm going to do something I haven't done since we reached chapter 30.……HOLY F***ING GOD!!!!!!!!!! OH MY EDWARD!!!!!! OH MY JASPER!!!! OH MY EMMETT!!!! OH MY CARLISLE!!!!!!!! WE HAVE OVER-OVER!!!!- 300 REVIEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
…..I love you all….so….so….so….much
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but I do own this story and the THREE HUNDRED REVIEWS it has gotten! :D
BPOV
They say that your life flashes before your eyes before you die. But that's not…It flows by like a river as you die, matching the speed of your strained heartbeats until…it stops.
I was still engulfed in my river of memories, still pushing my heart to beat, still waiting…
To wake up and find out it was all a dream…
To feel my arms around my children…
To be able to look into Edward's loving eyes again…
But, as I waited, my river pulled me under.
EPOV
Owen entered the room, human now, and immediately returned to his spot by Bella's legs.
" We need to move her." he mentioned. I continued to stroke her hair. Yes, we needed to get her away from all of the carnage but…I was scared to jostle her. Looking down at her, beneath the dried blood, she looked so peaceful. When others would be writhing in pain from the burn of the venom, she was peaceful. Why would I want to even threaten to disturb that peace?
" She's too far gone to feel the pain." Owen continued, trying to hide his worried tone.
" We'll just take her to Al's room, get her cleaned up, and then wait for Carlisle." He kept his tone soft, knowing that if it wasn't for the fact that Bella was here in my arms, needing me, I would be lost to the world. He didn't want to shatter the little calm I had.
I nodded before gently scooping her up and running to Al's room. Owen quickly stripped the bed down to the sheet before I carefully laid her down on it. I need a rag. I thought towards him, not finding the energy to speak. He nodded and left the room. I repositioned myself on the bed and placed Bella's head in my lap again, resuming stroking her hair.
When Owen returned with the wet rag, I silently took and carefully began to wipe the dried blood from her. I couldn't bare to see my love covered in her own and some of his blood as well. It was a reminder of the fact that I was not there when she needed me most.
And my wiping it away, will be my way of showing her that I will always be there from now on.
BPOV
The river was suddenly cool…winter cool…rain in the winter cool….Edwards skin cool…
How cold I felt whenever sadness washed over me…like that night. That night when I pushed Edward away from me…that night when I sealed my fate to float in this river of memories…
I couldn't wait any longer. If I hesitated for just one more second, I wouldn't be able to do it at all. I was certain of my choice, I was certain that everyone would be happier if I did this.
Everyone except…
" Edward." the second his name slipped through my lips, my eyes began tearing up. NO! I have to stay strong. I have to stay with my decision. I have to-
Edward wrapped his arms around me, attempting to console me. He knew I was in pain…he knew me so well. But, I shouldn't be in pain. I should be completely okay with doing this…I was sure of my decision.
But I was hurting Edward. My decision was going to hurt Edward, who has always been so generous, so selfless when it came to what I wanted. I was going to hurt him, and that was why I was in pain…
Right?
My heart began beating faster, as Edward began to rock me back and forth, mumbling soothing tones into my ear. Was I really doubting myself? Was I doubting the decision I had spent hours deciding upon? I can't…But as Edward's soothing motions and velvet voice imprinted into my mind with familiarity, I knew that I had to do what I had to do. I pulled away from him, scared of his effect on me and on my decision. The tears began to drip over, and my breathing became ragged. I took a deep breath.
" I don't think I can't do it." I said. The words just slipped out, confusing me so much. Can't do what? Can't hurt him? Can't let him go? Can't follow through with my decision? But if I didn't follow through with this, then what would that mean for the future. If I can't follow through with this one decision then…
" Can't do what, darling?" Edward asked, and I could hear in his voice that he was willing to do anything ease my mind. I pulled my knees to my chest and pressed my forehead to them, not allowing him to see my tears…and not allowing myself to see the pain he was in.
"Edward," I started again, but…it came out a strangled sob, which very quickly became sobs in general. Sitting on my bed, I cried into my knees. Edward didn't know what was the matter, but, still, he wrapped his arms around me, began humming my lullaby, and stroking my hair…everything that would sooth me in the past.
Instead, though, it reminded me of everything he had kept from me. Everything that I was not allowed to experience because of him and his over protectiveness. Everything that I had considered leaving behind just so I could be with him forever. Charlie, Renee, Phil, and chance at ever having a child… everything.
I pulled away from him roughly, and stood on the floor, looking towards him.
" This." I said, with as much power as I could muster. He stared at me, his eyes searching mine, but he wouldn't be able to find anything. I was sure of what I wanted. And he saw that. He opened his mouth once, but then shut it again, not knowing what to say. I just hugged myself, trying to stop the tears from pouring, but to no avail.
He swallowed once before asking in a strained, controlled voice, " Are you sure?" I nodded quickly. I'm sure. I'm so sure. I can't…I can't be with him now. Not now. He stood up and walked towards me. My instincts told me to step forward and wrap my arms around him, but my head was saying to step away. My heart told me to just stay where I was, not wanting to hurt him by stepping away, or confuse him by stepping forward.
He stopped right in front of me, not touching me at all. He hesitated once before nodding slightly. " Okay." So easily. He said that so easily. Right then I was nearly overdone by the pain of what I was doing.
What was I doing? What was I thinking letting Edward go when he had been nothing but good and kind to me?
But I couldn't voice my doubts, as he gently reached out and stroked my cheek before turning his back and walking-human speed-towards the window.
My mind went numb with every step he took away from me. My heart ached with every second that passed. But the numbness was overshadowed by angst and sorrow when he turned around, his hand gripping the sill of the window, and said…
" Be happy." my knees collapsed under me. 'Be happy', the last thing my hallucinatory Edward had said to me, and the last thing my real Edward will ever say to me. Sobs wracked through my body, as the almost forgotten hole in my chest opened with a vengeance.
Did I really have a good reason? I didn't want to leave Charlie, I didn't want to give up my human life, I didn't want to have to leave my best friend, I didn't want to be sheltered. Where they good reasons to push away the one I loved? Were they good enough reasons to place all my loved ones at risk?
The river consumed me before I was given an answer.
EPOV
I didn't look away from Bella, I didn't stop the repetitive motion of the-now pink-cloth over her face until I heard the faint creak of the door. Only then did I look away, only to see Carlisle standing there.
But, the Carlisle that stood at the opposite edge of the room was not the man I'd come to call my father. The dark, shadowed, pained eyes were not the light, opened, and peaceful ones I'd come to know. The hard, slightly trembling line of his pressed lips didn't threaten to easily grace the world with a generous smile.
The was a man who was killing himself on the inside for so irrevocable deed he had committed.
I refused to allow myself to hear his thoughts, knowing that they would paint more grotesque movies than his expression did.
So, instead, I quickly averted my eyes back to Bella.
" How is she?" came a tight voice that I couldn't believe was Carlisle's. But, as he came over to the bed and as his question registered in my mind, I chocked back a strangled sob and looked up at him.
Looking into his eyes, I saw the image of a man who was in pain/ A man who was only being held together by one thread of gossamer. A man whose entire existence was handing on the balance. A man who is praying to the being he doesn't believe in for an outcome different than the one he sees now.
Staring at my reflection, I said, " I don't know."
BPOV
There's been sadness in my life, yes. But, as that memory flowed by slowly I realized that something else was always present at the same time as the sadness and grief.
Uncertainty. That seems to be a reoccurring theme in my life. When I moved to Forks in the first place, I always had that thought in the back of my mind that was questioning my sanity in the decision. When I was leaving Edward, there was the part of me that wanted to call him back and pull him into my arms. Or, when my marriage took that wrong turn, and I had to decide between coffee to put some energy in me or a shot of Jack Daniels to numb the pain.
Jack Daniels. My savior at times. The only insane piece of my life that seemed to keep me sane.
I saw Embry's eyes narrow disapprovingly as I picked up the dark bottle and poured the beautiful liquid into my tiny shot glass. I didn't understand what the big deal was. Wasn't I allowed a good time every now and then?
Suddenly, the bottle disappeared from my hand, and the shot glass was out of my view. I blinked a couple of times before turning towards Embry, and seeing him shudder, his lips pursed and the empty shot glass in his hand.
I smiled and shook my head. " If you wanted some, you could've just asked. I think I have another glass somewhere." I said, standing up.
The room tilted at the oddest angle, making me laugh, and Embry pulled me back down.
" You're drunk." he growled in my ear, turning his head a little to face the hallway, making sure my laughter hadn't waked the kids. I shook my head vigorously. I was…
" Not drunk." I said, covering my mouth as a small bubble of gas crept up my throat. When the burp left my mouth, I started laughing again. It sounded SO funny!!!!! And that came out of ME!!! I began laughing even harder, leaning against Embry for support.
He held onto my shoulders tightly, like he was trying to keep me somewhere.
" Stay with me Bella." he sighed. " You are drunk, and I really don't like seeing you this way." He looked as if he wanted to say something else, but he changed his mind. I had calmed down enough to be able to think of the reason I was doing what I was doing.
It'd been a bad day.
A very, very, very bad day. It was so bad, something tells me that when he comes home later, he's going to end up punishing me again.
Is it really punishment? I didn't do anything wrong, so can I really categorize it under punish?
Whoa, the booze was talking for me again. Of course, I had done something wrong. That would be the only reason Jake would ever hurt me.
" You need to quit, Bells." Embry said quietly, holding onto my hands extremely tight. So tight it almost hurt. I shook my head.
" I can't." It was true, I couldn't. I couldn't quit my medicine, there's no telling what I'll result to afterwards. Embry thought I meant it differently.
" Yes, you can. If you want we can get you to a meeting or something and-"
" I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC!!" I yelled, standing up, feeling almost completely sober now. Sure, I swayed a little once the gravity started pulling against my feet again, but I've always been a little off balance.
" Yes you are." came a quiet voice from the hallway. Both Embry and I looked and saw Al standing there. She was wearing her usual pajamas of a spaghetti strap and matching pants, her hair up in a ponytail. Her arms were crossed, but her face was soft.
" Hey sweetie, what are you doing up?" Embry asked, getting up and walking over to her. He attempted to wrap his arms around her, and try and guide her back to her room, but she side stepped him and glared at me.
" Yes. You are, Mom." she said again. I shook my head and sat back down on the couch.
" You don't know what you're talking about." I said, rubbing my temples. God, my head hurt. But, she didn't. She didn't understand that I was doing what I was doing for a reason. She didn't understand that if I wasn't doing what I was doing then things would only get worse. She just…didn't understand.
" Don't you tell me that." she said, walking towards me. " You need help, Mom. Don't you ever think that maybe it's your addiction that makes Dad angry?! That makes you two fight?! That makes him leave for hours?!" she said, raising her voice with each accusation.
" You think it's my fault?" I asked her softly, trying to keep control of my headache. She was so far off the mark. Or so dangerously close, depending on your point of view. She sighed and got on her knees in front of me.
" No. But you do need help Mom." she said, her eyes pleading with me to understand. When I didn't say anything, I saw them harden, and she stood up. " Fine. Don't listen to me." and with that she turned on her heel and stormed out of the room. I knew that she wouldn't drop the subject just yet, so I didn't even try to go after her.
Embry looked at me, his expression sad, before he turned and followed her.
So I was alone. Alone with my dark bottle and my beautiful liquid. But…
Al was so upset. Embry was so upset. Owen would be upset if he were here. They hate to see me like this. So, why was I putting them through this? Selfishly putting them through pain because I wanted to try and get rid of mine? Why?
The front door creaked open…and I remembered.
But, looking at the memory as it, too, took its turn passed me, it was a fairly stupid solution. Especially seeing as I had so may other things that made my life worth while.
Like Al…
Owen…
…Edward….
EPOV
The mid-day sun streamed into the room, bringing a warm shine to Bella's hair as I ran my fingers through it again. Carlisle had given her a quick inspection, inspecting all of her wounds. His eyes had darkened even more as he saw her knife wounds, her bruises, and had checked her shattered bones.
I'm sure that even Carlisle-who was a hair under four hundred years old-had never seen so much violence and pain inflicted against just one person.
But, all in all, he said that it should still work. She should be okay. She should wake up in a few days. She should.
But…
Don't you DARE think like that!!!!!! Al screeched, intruding my thought. She and Grace were being forbidden from coming her. Though all the blood had been bleached away and Jacobs body disposed of, no one wanted them to come here when such a terrible deed had been committed.
That is my MOTHER!!!! You can NOT for one SECOND think that she won't make it!!! She……has to. She dissolved into mental sobs.
They were holding better than any other child their age would at the thought of their mother being brutally murdered by their abusive father. This was the first of any tears from the Swan family.
I knew that there would be more. So much more.
I leaned down and lightly planted a kiss on her forehead. " Please wake up soon."
BPOV
Fear has been another major part of my life. Fear seemed to always surround me, no matter how far I ran or how many shields I put up against it. But, mostly, I feared for my family rather than myself.
Mostly during my marriage. I had never feared for anyone in my family as much as then…
" Al…" I sighed, bouncing the crying baby on my hip, while walking around the kitchen. " Why are you crying baby?" I asked her, opening the cabinet and pulling out her baby formula. I began to make her bottle, still bouncing her and humming random notes while she still wailed in my ear.
I stuck her bottle in the microwave, and set the timer, before turning back to the baby.
" Okay sweetheart." I started, looking at her in the eye. " What is wrong? You don't need to be changed, you don't want attention, and this is the second time I've had to fix your bottle in the past hour!" I said in frustration. " WHAT DO YOU WANT!?" I asked her, nearly in tears myself towards the end.
Tears continued to stream down her red face as she opened her mouth to scream again. The microwave beeped at the same time, doubling the piercing sound that was penetrating my eardrums.
Why was this so hard? Why was taking care of a toddler SO difficult? I thought as I opened the microwave. I quickly tested the temperature of the bottle before giving it to her.
Usually, she'll take the bottle, test it and then push it away. Or, she'll be nice and actually drink it all.
Not this time.
No, today she decided that she was going to take the bottle from me, and throw it across the room, crying even louder than before. The bottle hit the wall, thumping loudly against it, and the cap to it popped off, spilling baby formula all over the kitchen.
Al continued crying, as I stared at the mess, not fully comprehending it. The baby had thrown the bottle. The bottle had spilled. There was a mess on the floor. Baby was still crying.
Mom is about to cry.
" Shut her UP!!" Jacob yelled, barging into the kitchen. I flinched from his voice, really not wanting him to be mad. Well, too late now. Al cried even louder as his raised volume hurt her sensitive ears. Great, she was crying more now! Thanks a lot Jake.
" What did you just say?" he growled towards me, glaring. I froze, did I say that out loud. Al screamed loudly, Owen started crying from the living room, and Jacob was shaking.
I turned back to Al and started bouncing her again. " Shh, baby." I murmured, trying to make my way out of the kitchen. But, Jacobs hot hand grabbed my arm.
" DO NOT WALK AWAY FROM ME!!" His form was shaking, violently. I've never seen anyone shake so viciously. I felt my eyes widen, and time seemed to slow, as my mind clicked together what was about to happen.
He was going to phase. He was going to phase into a wolf with me and our daughter close by. Al. If, he hits her she'll be…
I turned my back to him, just as I heard a slight explosion. But the sound was drowned out by a gut wrenching pain enveloping my back. My knees buckle, and my world went black.
But with fear came adrenaline. And with adrenaline came strength.
All of the strength I ever had originated from fear. And then I was always string enough to protect those I love.
The river I was slowly floating in began to warm. Like a bath that was just a tad too hot. Bearable, but slightly uncomfortable.
A wave of darkness crashed over me, forcefully pulling me under again.
EPOV
Dawn. Twenty eight hours since I had first bitten Bella. Twenty eight hours of silence from her. No twitching. No screaming. Not even a whimper. Just silence. Just slow, agonizing, uninterrupted silence.
In that time period the only contact I had had with my family was Carlisle-who comes to check on us every couple of hours. The house has been cleaned. The body disposed of. Owen had gone to Grace's, needing the comfort only his soul mate could offer.
And Embry had stopped by.
I was too numb to fully comprehend the tremendous apology he had offered. I was too worried to actually see that tears that had pooled in his eyes as he took in Bella. I wasn't there to hear his anguished thoughts.
But I was there enough to look away from Bella fleetingly, look Embry in the eye, and say in my unused voice. " You're forgiven."
He stared at me for a moment before nodding his head slightly and turning away. Before he left the room, he stopped, his hand on the door. " You're good for her. You need to believe in her though. She's strong and knows how to take care of herself." And with a promise to check on Charlie-who was in almost hysterics after hearing about what happened-he was gone.
So now, the house was empty. Carlisle had insisted moving her to our house but…she looked so peaceful. She deserved her rest now.
And so, as the morning rain softly pattered against the window pane, I continued to smooth Bella's hair, hoping for some premature sign of life.
" Be strong, love."
BPOV
But, I haven't always been surrounded by just sadness, uncertainty, or fear…there's been happiness. Like when I first held the twins.
They're so…tiny. How can they be so small when I was so…huge?
I was sitting on the hospital bed, holding a pink bundle in my right arm and the blue one in my left. They were so…it's unbelievable how…how…indescribable this was.
My baby girl wiggled around slightly and suddenly opened her eyes up at me. They were a beautiful chocolate brown, nothing like how mine are. They were deep and I found myself captivate by them. She had pulled me in with just one glance, and…God she's so beautiful. She stared at me, like she couldn't look away either, and then suddenly, she pulled her arm out of her bundle and waved at me. A tiny wave of her arm, and tears sprung in my eyes.
" Hey baby girl." I whispered. " My beautiful baby Alice." I bent down and kissed her tiny nose. Her tiny hand tangled in my hair as I pulled away, and she smiled. She smiled! She pulled on my hair lightly, and smiled even more. This made me laugh.
" You're a silly girl." I cooed. I was so entranced with Alice that I didn't realize Owen was awake, until he squirmed in my arm.
I looked over at my baby boy, and giggled when I saw that he looked…jealous. A newborn baby was jealous! He looked just like his father. Dark brown comforting eyes, tan skin, and dark soft hair.
" You're a beautiful baby too." I said, reassuring him. He looked like he doubted me. Oh, he's going to be a stubborn one. I smiled, and leaned down to kiss him on his tiny forehead. " You're my beautiful baby boy." I whispered into his skin. I heard him giggle, and he too, grabbed a lock of my hair.
So now I had Al and Owen holding onto my hair, each one of them smiling up at me adorably. The tears that had only been sitting in my eyes, now cascaded down my cheeks.
" My beautiful babies." I whispered.
And there've been times when there was nothing but laughter. Like when Emmett told us about the time he dressed up as the Easter Bunny.
" It's all very easy to explain…" Emmett said, leaning forward on his elbows. " You see, we don't celebrate a lot of holidays anymore. We celebrate Christmas of course, but other than that…not much." he shrugged. " I was just trying to bring some holiday spirit back into this family."
" And so you dressed up as the Easter Bunny?" Al asked, trying to contain her laughter. She put the mental picture into my head of Rosalie's memory of him. Emmett walking into the house, in an extremely small bunny suit, carrying a basket of colored eggs. " Happy Easter!"
" Emmett, you are a piece of work." I said, before the laughter took over.
And then there have been times of complete love. Every moment with Edward. Every caress, every kiss, every loving whisper, every single second with him was more than I could've dreamed I'd get.
The temperature of the water began to rise to an almost scalding hot and the water began rushing even faster than before, creating rapids, like I was approaching a waterfall.
So in the end, as the river flows past you, you are able to measure out your life. Was it good? Was it bad?
Was my life good? Or was it bad? Was it white? Or black? Or one of the many shade of gray that blurs the line indefinitely?
The burning water began licking at my flesh like fire to wood.
Did I live my life to the fullest? Did I do everything right? Did I even have a chance at a full life?
My heart began pounding from the intense heat, making the extra memories fly by.
" Mom, I'm going out!" Al announced as she walked past me and towards the door. Embry was waiting outside. I still don't know how I feel about this, but…seeing her face light up as he place a gentle chaste kiss on her cheek…I guess I can live with it.
" Be careful." I said, before Embry nodded toward me and the door separated us. They were happy. I couldn't interfere with that.
Did I teach her enough? Did I help her become a good person?
I walked down the stairs and into the living room. There, sitting on the couch, were Owen and Grace. Grace was lying down, her head in Owens lap, her eyes closed and peaceful. Owens head was rolling, and his eyes were drooping, his hand subconsciously stroking Grace's hair. I smiled at them, and quietly retreated out of the room.
Did I ever show them how much I loved them? Was I a good enough example for them?
I looked around my family. Esme and Carlisle cuddled together on the love seat, just sitting there lovingly. Emmett sitting on the floor with Rosalie perched on his lap, he place a gentle kiss in her hair every now and again. Alice sitting on Jaspers knee, unknowingly playing with his fingers.
Owen and Grace lying on the floor, watching the T.V, Owens arm draped over Grace's body. Al and Embry lounging on the stairs, her back against Embry's legs, while he stroked her hair. Bianca curled up in a chair, reading a good book, a small smile on her lips. And then Edward, playing with my hair, his cool breath on the back of my neck, placing a butterfly kiss into my neck and shoulder every so often.
This was my family. This was all I ever really needed.
Did I ever show them how much they mean to me? How much they were apart of me?
He twirled me again, his warm arms tightly wrapped around me, not giving my klutziness a chance to get in the way. I looked up at him, and smiled. He looked so exultant. I laughed at him.
" What?" he asked, twirling me again. I shook my head, still chuckling slightly.
" You look so happy." I said. His arms tightened around me as he pulled me close to him.
" I am happy. Happy to finally be able to call you my wife." he whispered as we swayed. I smiled into his tux and closed my eyes. In this one moment, it was just us. We weren't surrounded by any onlookers, we weren't the subjects of pictures or conversations. It was just me and Jacob. Just us. Finally husband and wife.
And for the first time, in a long time, I was happy. Exceedingly happy to be dancing with my husband.
He didn't deserve to die, and it wasn't my place to decide his fate. Please, rest in peace, Jake, my eternal sun.
My heart thumped against my chest, as if it were trying to escape and find…
I ran my fingers through his bronze hair, relishing in the sigh that passed through his lips. He was lying on his bed, his head in my lap, my fingers passing through his hair. He reached his pale hand up, and grabbed the hand that I was using, and pulled it his lips.
" I love you." he whispered before placing a gentle kiss into my palm. I smiled at him, and kissed his head, while tightening my grasp on his hand.
" I love you so much."
Edward…I love-
……my heart stopped…
……the flow of memories stopped…
……the water disappeared…
…………
……… and my eyes fluttered open.
A/N: This has to be my favorite chapter so far. :D Tell me what you think.
