Derek laid in the bed and held Meredith all night long. She was quiet. Completely quiet. It was actually one of the few times where she was sleeping and not snoring. He couldn't sleep. He couldn't risk something happening while he was sleeping. Even if he is one of the lightest sleepers in the world. He watched as each hour ticked by. Every minute. Every second. He was scared to death as he watched the clock. He had no idea where they would go from here.

"How are you this morning?" Addison asked as she walked into the quiet room. "God, Derek. What happened to you?" She asked him as she looked at his swollen lip.

"Don't ask." He said with a look as he looked at Meredith and then her. She caught on that it was a sensitive subject and dropped it quickly.

"How is she doing?" Addison finally asked Derek as she looked at Meredith.

"Physically, she doesn't seem to be having any problems." Derek said with a shrug.

"Meredith. You can go home today. I need to do a quick exam, to make sure. But you should be able to go home. And Derek can stay in here if you want him to..." She explained.

Meredith looked up at Addison with her empty eyes. She couldn't speak. She knew she should. She knew that they wanted her to. But she couldn't. It hurt too bad. She felt like if she did, she would crumble. She would turn into dust and blow away.

Addison quickly did the exam. Everything looked normal. As normal as it could look. And all of Meredith's blood work came back within the parameters it should. Yes, physically, she was halfway normal. Emotionally she was not.

Derek grabbed the bag of clothes that Mark brought from home. He sat them on the bed and smiled faintly at her. He went to the door and followed Addison out, shutting the door behind him.

"I don't want to take her home." Derek said quickly. Addison's eyes got wide as she looked at him. "I know that sounds horrible. But I- I don't know how I can help her. Everyone says just be there. But how is that enough? She acts like she doesn't want me touching her. She doesn't listen to me. And now I have to be her babysitter." Addison quickly raised her hand and smacked him across the face. His eyes got wide and he dropped his gaze.

"How the hell could you just say that? She lost a baby, Derek! A baby. She is hurting. She is in pain." Addison said as she shook her head. "She isn't going to jump out of that bed and be fine. And you need to man up and be there for her. Even if she pushes you away. You have to be her "babysitter.""

"That's not what I meant! I just- I love her. And she is hurting. It is killing me that she- It's like she's dead. I'm afraid I will make her worse. Like I will say the wrong thing." Derek said quietly.

"You won't." Addison said softly. "But I do know that you are the only one that can help her. And you need to Derek, you really need to..."

"I know..." He said softly.

"What happened to your face?" Addison finally asked.

"Adrien. He attacked her." Derek said quickly. "We got in a fight. And honestly, I'd just like to forget it right now..." Addison nodded her head, not really understanding, but seeing he didn't want to discuss it.

"I'm going to get her discharge papers ready." Addison said as she walked away.

"Would you like to explain to me just what happened last night?" Miranda Bailey asked as she marched up. "Why I had to get another cardio thoracic surgeon for today?"

"de Gaulle attacked her. Physically and verbally." Derek said quickly.

"So instead of calling the police, you attack him?" Bailey asked in a huff.

"No. He attacked me." Derek said angrily. "And there was no way that I was going to allow him to do that to her."

"Well, all I know is that Adrien has a broken jaw, and you look pretty fine." Bailey said quickly. "And now you are both on suspension. Until I get the full truth, I am going to have to bring in two replacement surgeons. And if you ask me, this is bullshit. It never should have gotten this far."

"No, you're right. Maybe if you had protected her." Derek muttered frankly.

"I may have made mistakes. And I'm sorry that people got hurt. And now I have to go about fixing those mistakes. And I have a feeling no one is innocent here. Except that poor girl in there." Bailey said with a frown. "How is she?"

"I don't know..." Derek said as he dropped his head. "She is not okay."

"Be there for her. I don't know what the nature of your relationship is. I don't want to... But be there for her. Right now she needs whomever she can get." Bailey explained. "I'm giving her some time off. And the board is going to review this current situation, along with the police reports. You will be the first to know the results of our meeting." Bailey told him. "I will not allow violence in a hospital full of sick people who are here to get help. That being said, I have to go back to my floor. I'm glad she's physically okay. The mental will come later..." She said as she walked away.

Derek frowned as he looked at the door. he had to take her home. And when they got there, he had no idea what they would do. He had no idea how to deal with this. especially when he was hurting himself. But he did know one thing... He had to.

------------------

The ride home was silent. Imagine that. More silence. Derek was drowning in silence. Life with Kristy was non-stop talking. Almost daily he fantasized about her losing her voice to some horrible incurable disease. He hoped for eternal silence on her end. But now, with Meredith, it was killing him. Absolutely killing him. If she would just speak. One word. Just one word, he would feel so much better.

[iSee the stone set in your eyes

See the thorn twist in your side

I wait for you

Sleight of hand and twist of fate

On a bed of nails she makes me wait

And I wait without you

With or without you

With or without you[/i

That ride home was a precursor to the days that followed. He left her alone. Not alone. He was there with her. But she was still in silence. And so was he. He didn't pressure her. He didn't talk. He just held her. He let her know he was there.

"Are you hungry?" Derek asked as he watched her walk from the bathroom.

She didn't say anything as she walked. She didn't pause. Didn't look around. She walked straight into her room and shut the door. Derek walked hallway down the hallway and looked at the closed the nursery door. He didn't want her to see that. Not yet.

[iThrough the storm we reach the shore

You give it all but I want more

And I'm waiting for you

With or without you

With or without you

I can't live

With or without you[/i

"Meredith..." Derek said as he cracked the door open and looked at her laying in the bed. "Do you want chicken parmesan?" He asked softly. She rolled over and placed her hands underneath her head.

Derek walked into the kitchen. All the advice he had gotten in the last day rang in his head. He just needed to be there. But to him, it wasn't enough. And although he knew it wasn't enough, he had no idea what else he could do. But watching her lay there in her miserable silence was killing him.

Derek grabbed a package of chicken from the back of the refrigerator. Comfort food. That was supposed to help people. Maybe she would feel better. He could surround her by her favorite things. He began working on their meal. He turned the radio on a listened to the soft hum. It was better than the silence. Off to try again.

"Meredith... You need to eat." Derek said as he walked to the side of the bed. He knelt down nest to her and stroked her face. "Please don't do this. Don't do this to me. Don't do this to yourself." He told her as a tear ran down his cheek.

[iAnd you give yourself away

And you give yourself away

And you give

And you give

And you give yourself away

My hands are tied

My body bruised, she's got me with

Nothing to win and

Nothing left to lose[/i

"Meredith... I don't know what to do... I don't know how to help you." He admitted as he laid his head against her. "I don't know how to help you... This is all my fault. I don't love Kristy. I was shocked. I was surprised. But I wasn't jealous. And I upset you... I tried all day to tell you. But I was too busy. I didn't try hard enough. I killed our baby. I killed our baby because I was an idiot..." He felt her release her tension as her chest rose and fell.

"I love you. And this is killing me. I know you are in pain. I'm in pain too. But I need you. I need you to be okay. We lost our baby. But we still have each other. Losing the baby was horrible. Losing two is worse. But losing you- To me, losing you is unimaginable. I did it once. I barely made it through. I can't do it again. I can't do it again, because I don't think I can make it a second time around." He told her softly.

[iAnd you give yourself away

And you give yourself away

And you give

And you give

And you give yourself away

With or without you

With or without you

I can't live

With or without you[/i

"I- I love you..." She said in a weak, crackling voice.

"Oh, honey. I love you too." He said as he climbed into bed with her. "I love you too."

-------------------

Derek left her once she fell asleep. He wanted to finish their dinner. She needed to eat. The last thing that she had consumed was the oreo and milk mixture from days ago. He was having a hard enough time getting her to drink. But eating, that was impossible. He was just pulling it from the oven when he heard a faint knock on the door.

"Dr. Eastman..." Derek said as he opened the door.

"Oh! Dr. Shepherd." Dina returned as she looked up at her attending.

"What are you doing here?" Derek asked as he stood at the door.

"I- We. The interns and I, we wanted to make sure Dr. Grey was okay. I was the only one brave enough to come." Dina said with a faint smile.

"I believe it." Derek said with a nod, knowing how they feared Meredith. "Come in." They both walked to the living room, Dina was holding stuff in her arms.

"We got her these." She said as she handed him a huge stack of magazines. "We thought she could read them while she is resting. And these." She said as she handed him the flowers.

"She'll appreciate them." Derek said with a nod as he sat them on the end table.

"How is she?" Dina asked with a frown.

"Well, she's sleeping now..." Derek said as he paused, listening to her loud snores. "But she- It's been rough. Things are going, but the are rough."

"I'm sure they are." She said with a frown.

"Who is your resident?" Derek asked quickly.

"Donaldson. And it is hell." She said with a frown. "He's way too nice."

"Are you complaining about a nice resident?" Derek asked in shock.

"We just miss Dr. Grey." Dina said with a smile.

"Well. She will be back. She just needs some time." Derek offered as he sat there.

"I- Danny wanted me to tell you something. I know it's touchy. But that day-- Dr. Grey- Ellis Grey. She approached Meredith in the scrub room. He wouldn't tell me what was said. But it really upset her." Dina explained.

"Ellis was at Seattle Grace?" Derek asked in shock.

"Apparently she was." Dina said with a nod. "I just- Meredith wasn't as upset with you as you think... It wasn't your fault." Dina explained.

"Thank- Thank you, Dr. Eastman." Derek croaked with a nod.

"How are you?" Dina asked softly. She was praying she wasn't overstepping her boundaries by accusing him of being the father. By acknowledging his loss.

"I'm- I feel like I did fourteen years ago. She's here but she's not." Derek said with a sigh.

Oh..." Dina said, confused, but not willing to ask him about it.

"But I'm okay. I was just getting ready to finish our dinner..." Derek explained.

"Oh, well, I don't want to keep you. I need to go, anyhow. But let her know that we are thinking about her. And we miss her..." Dina said softly,

"I will." Derek said with a nod as he walked her out. "Thanks for stopping." He said as he shut the door.

Derek was in shock. Ellis had been there. Ellis had confronted her. About what, he did not know. It made him sick. He was sure that she had said something bitter. Something nasty. No wonder she broke down. How could she take it? Adrien hounding her. Ellis hurting her. And Derek being foolish. He was livid the more he thought about it. Ellis killed their first baby. And now she had killed the second.

"Mer..." Derek said as he carried her food in on a tray. "Meredith, I know you don't want to, but you need to eat." He said as he stood beside her bed. "Please." He pleaded.

Meredith sat up, with her back against the headboard. She was in the old pajama pants that he had kept and her Dartmouth t-shirt. She sighed as Derek sat the tray on her lap. He was ready to spoon feed her. She needed to eat. She was literally disappearing in front of him.

She sat there and picked at her food. She pushed it from one side to the other. She was lost in thought. He didn't know what she was thinking as she sat there in her silence. She stared at the red sauce in front of her. Red. Like blood. Like the blood that flowed so freely as her baby lost it's life. She quickly dropped her fork and stared into space. Derek frowned as he walked back into the room.

"I made you a bath." He said as he grabbed her tray. "Maybe that will make you feel better." Derek said as he walked out. When he came back in, she was staring at the wall as if she hadn't heard him.

"Come on..." He said as he pulled the blankets off her and walked her to the bathroom. She was just too weak to walk.

She slowly began pulling off her clothes. Derek nodded and left the room. She looked at the hot water in her claw foot bathtub. The bathtub that they spent so much time in. She lowered herself into the water and laid back. The thoughts crossed her mind. She could let go. She wanted to let go. But then his face popped into her head. She couldn't let go. She couldn't do that to him.

She laid there forever. But maybe it wasn't that long. Everything feels slow when you are suffering. The bubbles had long since disappeared. The water was getting cold. And yet she was having a hard time pulling herself out. If she could just go down the drain. That would be so much better than this. She finally pulled herself out and stood in front of the mirror. Her skin was pale. Her body was beyond thin.

Her dark eyes fell onto a piece of paper on the counter. She was shocked when her eyes fell on what was laying on the paper. She squinted, wondering if it really was that. It was her green amethyst earring. The one she lost. The one he gave her fifteen years ago. The one that disappeared from her life. She picked up the note and read it.

[bMeredith-

Life is like glass.

Beautiful. Fragile. Painful if broken.

I will not let you break.

Love, Derek[/b

With that, she felt even more broken. That was supposed to help. And it did. It made her feel like he was there. She knew he was there with her. But she also knew that she was killing him. She was pulling him down with her. She didn't want to. But she didn't know how to stop.

-----------------

Meredith looked over at Derek's sleeping body. It was as if she were in a trance. She slowly climbed out of their bed and began to walk. It was a straight path. A direct path. A path that was unstoppable. She turned the handle and flipped on the light. She looked up at the mural before her. She looked down at the paint on the floor.

She lost control of her actions. She was just acting. Going through the motions that her subconscious were demanding. She popped open the gallon of paint and dipped the brush. Furiously she began painting over it. She was covering up the pain. Covering the memories. Maybe she could just pretend there was no baby.

She stared ahead she she continued to slap the paint on the wall. She didn't care what it looked like. As long as it was covered up. As long as it was drowned out. She needed relief. She needed to end the pain.

Derek rolled over, reaching his arm out to her. He immediately woke up when it arm hit the cold sheets. She looked up into the doorway of the dark bathroom. She jumped off the balcony. She slit her wrists. She downed a bottle of pills. He couldn't lie. Those first thoughts that ran through his head as he jumped out of the bed. He looked down the hallway, seeing the light on in the nursery.

The knot in his stomach doubled and tripled in size with every step. He didn't know what to expect. Part of him was expecting to see her dead on the floor. He worried about her. About her stability at this point. About how it was killing her inside. He felt sick as he walked into that room. There she was, running the paint brush across the wall quickly and violently. His heart broke as he watched her covering it up. He rushed up behind her and softly grabbed her arm.

"Meredith..." He said as he held her arm.

Her eyes hit his. The emotions were in there. For the first time in days, he saw a spark. He saw something. It wasn't just emptiness. Her eyes got wide as she looked at him. He watched as the brush in her hand, dropped to the floor. It moved in slow motion as the paint splattered in the rug and hardwood floor. And then it came. The floodgate was opened.

She gasped loudly before a loud cry came from her lungs.

"My baby!" She screamed as she collapsed against his chest, "Oh god, Derek... Our baby!" She cried as the sobs wracked her body. "My baby... My baby... My baby is dead." She cried out.

"I know, Mer. I know..." Derek said as he wrapped his arms around her. "I know." Derek glanced up to the doorway, seeing Mark. The relief was apparent as he looked at her. He nodded and quietly disappeared.

"How do I go on?" She asked as she sobbed.

"We will be okay." He said as he held her. "We will be okay." He said as she broke down. As much as it hurt, this was better than silence.

So she cracked. She really needed to. Now she can try to heal. Thanks for reading. And please review!