Kansas city shuffle

'What do you expect me to do with this, Killua Zoldyck?' He reached out his hand, and dragged me out from under the desk by my shirt without any regard for my injuries and slammed me down on my back hard. Still I could feel he was restraining himself. After dragging me out, he sat down on his knees over me, pinning me down by my neck with one hand. I could barely breathe with the amount of pressure he was exuding. It's not gonna fucking end here, is it? No.. I've gotten so far..!

'Illumi has forbidden me to harm you in any way. He's saying this is because he doesn't want your family interfering with his work. Now I know for a fact that that's not the main reason, is it.' I reached my hand up to his wrist in an attempt to gain some sympathy and make him loosen his grip, but he only gripped tighter when I touched him. I let go instantly and resisted the urge to scratch at his skin for air. 'Because if me and him would work together, your family would have a hard time chasing us. Considering the amount of effort and danger that would put them in, I don't think they would take the risk, would they. I mean, they already left you for dead when you were captured by Yellmi.' I don't need you to goddamn remind me of that right now… The look in his eyes was incomparable to anything I've previously seen. It wasn't even his expression; it was the extreme stillness in his voice, compared to the strained muscles in his body. This is not natural…

'Unintentionally, you took advantage of Illumi's need to have a single outward connection. He'll not be able to remove that so long as you exist. I'll erase you right now, and Zeno and Hisoka will be taken care of later today, their networks over time. I don't really care what happens to Gon, to be honest, so if that will give you some peace in your death...' What kind of fucking peace is that?! I don't want to die! I shut my eyes tightly. Please just do it already. If you're going to do it, please don't stretch it like this. I can't take it. I can't stand it. 'I will make sure I'm the only connection he needs.' What the hell makes you so goddamn desperate for him?! It's not like I actually want to steal Illumi from you! 'Granted, that it was a lot easier with Kurapika and Machi to reach this goal, but I'm willing to make the extra effort for Illumi.' The look on his face changed after he'd spoken the words, and if his hand hadn't already been around my throat, I would've choked in my emotions on my own. I really didn't want to go through this feeling again.

I felt the grip on my throat loosen a little, and his other hand rose, setting his fingertips against my chest over my heart. You're fucking kidding me, you're using one of our techniques…

Either way, I simply closed my eyes again, and felt tears stream down my face. Ready to push his hand through my chest, Chrollo didn't utter another word,

But Illumi did.

'What do you think you're doing?' The door opened and his voice rose at the same second. The only thing that stopped Chrollo from continuing nonetheless was that I was now trapped in between two killing auras that I really could've gone without for the rest of my life. But at least I still have a life for the moment. Thank you, whatever god made this miracle happen.

'Taking care of a small hurdle.' It wasn't until Chrollo's grip loosened completely, that I dared to move, and started coughing up a lung. Please let this second chance end well... 'How did you know I was here?'

'With that amount of killing intent next to me, it was hard not to know what you were planning to do.' Well thank you for taking your sweet time in coming here then. 'And I thought I'd been clear on this.' When he stood back up from me, I rolled over to my side, and to my knees, trying to get some more control over my coughing, and creating some distance.

'As long as he exists, you will not be able to get rid of the connection your mother forced on you. You know the Zoldycks won't chase us for this.'

'That's an inconvenience I'm not willing to risk.'

'But it's hardly a risk, you know this.' Me coming here had hardly been a risk, but look how that turned out.

'You will not lay a hand on Killua.' I finally looked up at Illumi, still holding a hand in front of my mouth, when I felt intensity increase from his side. Jesus fucking christ..! I just stepped out of the realest death scare I've ever had, can you please tone down the intensity a little? It sounded sarcastic in my mind, but the request was very real,

'If you can give me a sound explanation why it actually is an inconvenience, then I will.' And you can stop intensifying the danger in here as well Chrollo, thank you very much. I shuffled back a little further,

'Over the last couple of years I've never felt the need any more for an outward connection, even though Killua was wiped from my memory. This will merely continue after we're out of here. There's no need to risk anything.'

'It's still not a risk. With both of us on the top of our game, and no Zeno or Hisoka to bother us, something like the Zoldycks is highly doable, and wouldn't even be an inconvenience for that long. If anything, taking them out would only increase your clientele, wouldn't it?' Can't say I completely disagreed with taking out my family at this point, but I'm not allowing you anything. When Illumi casually pocketed his hands, I shuffled back even more. Unfortunately, Chrollo took notice of it this time, and slowly turned his head my way. Alright, I'll just stay right here, not a problem.

I heard Illumi stepping closer at that point, but I wasn't moving my eyes away from Chrollo. You're fucking it up with Illumi so bad, why are you even doing this?!

I didn't blink until the moment I saw Illumi's legs stepping in between us. Wait, what? Chrollo's making excellent points, what are you

'I don't think you understand, Chrollo Lucilfer.' He is! He's placing himself in between us! And was it my imagination, or did Chrollo's mood change a little when Illumi called him by his name just now..? 'I don't think you understand you will leave this room in pieces if you lay a hand on him again.' You're talking about dismembering him with your bare fucking hands! Why would you suddenly do this to protect me?! Chrollo's right, there's no legitimate excuse for you to take it to these kinds of extremes. Although Chrollo's danger didn't diminish, it was slowly changing. There was no response anymore from his side, so Illumi cocked his head and continued, 'Do you understand now, Chrollo?'

'You're sticking up for the boy, even though there's no reason to? This is your mother speaking.'

'Where it comes from is none of your concern. You're going to listen to me, or you will suffer an agonizing death.' Illumi's showing his true face too, isn't he. I don't know how or why this is happening. He's mostly been removing himself from me, and looked confused all through the process. Has he snapped out of his confusion or something? Is that what's happening?!

'It is of my concern, and I want to hear the reason.' Goddamnit Chrollo, just give up already, you've thoroughly lost the game!

'You're not getting it. You're going to walk away, and you're going to voluntarily remove yourself from the case.' The strangest part of those words, was that Chrollo showed an inkling of actually listening, but decided not to a fraction of a second later. I haven't seen half of your manipulative powers, have I?

'What if I refuse?' When Chrollo's danger rose again, I swallowed hard, and Illumi faltered for a moment. No, don't waver now, don't you dare waver now,

In a fit of stupidity (and maybe Gon's influence) I swallowed away a whole shitload of fear to be able to survive this situation. I scrambled to my own legs, and stopped thinking about the consequences to be able to raise my voice to finish this if Illumi wasn't able to,

'You're not going to tear each other apart, and I'm not going to stop any attempt to make sure you won't make it.' Illumi didn't look around, and just let me continue, I would've been shaking on my legs if I'd fully realized at that moment what I was doing, 'Illumi may have been confused about everything that had happened in that small room, but I'm not. I cared about him, and he's the reason I survived back then. It happened. It was real.' Even though it had been acting when trying to get closer to Illumi, the recreated emotions had been real, and they'd come from him as well. If they really are from the same man, then fuck it. Whatever your reason for sticking up to me, thank you. In a fit of even more stupidity, I placed myself next to Illumi, and looked up at Chrollo,

'You, on the other hand, are a useless, indiscriminate killing machine. I know Hisoka is too, but he's not in this room right now wanting to kill me. Is he.' There was a short second of silence before Illumi suddenly pushed me out of the way with a force, grabbed Chrollo's arm, and after a really short struggle, Illumi had pushed Chrollo down on the ground. It had only lasted a second, but Illumi had a gash along his forearm, and Chrollo seemed to have a broken wrist and knee. Jesus Christ man, that was just a second!

'It seems you want me to dismember you, don't you.' Chrollo's danger was slowly waning, but Illumi's was only increasing. I stood back up, and Illumi decided to break one of Chrollo's arms the other way. I heard a small scream, and looked down at his pained face. Was this what Kurapika meant that it was the best chance to kill Chrollo? But this can't be explained as the only chance, right? 'I was not lying. I can very easily break your back or neck from this position if you want it to end more quickly. Or do you still prefer being dismembered?'

'It's not fun anymore when you're on the losing side, is it?' I stopped a couple feet away from the bastard, but he didn't grant me the pleasure of looking up at me. And I'm not so stupid to get too close right now just to make him do so. I saw Illumi grabbing his forearm, and snapping it like a twig. 'I'm sure Machi will love fixing that for you.' Another snap. I know I should probably stop Illumi from doing this, because I'm gonna be Hisoka's patient at this rate… but I was unable to stop enjoying it. I sat down carefully in front of him to enjoy the show.

But unfortunately I wasn't allowed to enjoy it for very long.

Said redhead interrupted.

'I'll take it from here, if you don't mind.' Illumi immediately let go and stood up from Chrollo with a little trouble when Hisoka walked in. Apparently Chrollo injured something along Illumi's leg as well…

'He was about to take Killua's life, he needed to be stopped.'

'No, I understand that much. We're just going to leave him here for now, because your arm isn't in the best of states.' Looking up at it, I cringed at the sight. How were you able to snap Chrollo's bones like a twig with that?

'Ah, now that you mention it.'

'Killua-kun's going to come along with us too.'

'Well, no question about that.' I said as I stood up. In all honesty though, I just wanted to shank Chrollo at this point and have it over with. Hisoka's not stupid enough to keep me in the same room with that kind of attitude.

'Don't forget what you came here for.' I ducked back under the desk when he mentioned, and took the box with me, following after them.

Well, I intended to, but the moment I set foot outside the room, I started shaking, and had to use the wall for support. Short moments of life or death I can deal with. Extended periods of time like these last fucking months, I can't.

'Get up.' With his good arm, Illumi pulled me up and away from the wall, making sure I'd follow before letting go. I have no idea how his mood's going to be after all of this has faded, but I am still alive because of him. That's two times now that he's done that for me.

'Thank you.' Illumi didn't respond to that, but Hisoka did. He glanced at me walking a little behind my shrink, and looked seemingly pleased with this entire outcome. I don't really care about that, but I am very happy to still be breathing.


'If I take a look at my surveillance, what will I see, dear Illumi-kun?' Seeing as Machi had already left for home, it was necessary that Hisoka was going to take care of the broken arm. Although not as apt in fixing it as I am, for this kind of injury his knowledge is good enough.

'It all happened within a second, so I don't think your low-speed cameras have been able to catch all that.' Although Killua needed to be here as well, he'd been asked to stay at the other side of the curtain. That didn't keep him from involving himself in the conversation, but I appreciated not looking at him after the events just now.

'You did your research on them well, when you took short control over them.'

'Yeah, flattery, let's do that.' To be able to push the previous experience away, Killua was being more talkative, distracting himself.

'If you would be so kind as to not involve yourself in our conversation again then, it would be so appreciated.' Hisoka responded, surprised that he would actually stop further agitation of my mental state at this point; considering that I felt close to regressing back to when I was 17. 'Illumi-kun is in a very delicate state of mind right now, and I would like to honor his wishes and not destroy him.' He looked up from treating the gash on my arm, looking differently pleased than normal – he was close to becoming ecstatic by this whole situation. Did that mean that whatever he'd been planning all this time was about to come to a conclusion?

His grin grew wider when he saw that curiosity on me, and I blinked at him,

'You're going to tell me now?'

'Give it an hour.'

'Why would you wait?'

'It's been three years since you came here, hasn't it? I think another hour won't do a lot of harm.'

That hour, we all spent in complete silence. The only sounds had been those of Hisoka treating my wounds. I hadn't even noticed I'd suffered a leg injury until I'd stood up from Chrollo. That moment could've gone very differently. I'm still not sure how I'd been able to push Killua out of the way in time, and how I got the upper hand in the end. It'd been a toss-up at that point. The only thing that had been able to let me rise to these kinds of reflexes, had been the fact that I never completely pushed away the feeling Killua had left me with in the afternoon.

I closed my eyes when reminiscing on that. I thoroughly hate having been manipulated to have that for the rest of my life. It all happened in a time where I was still susceptible, and because of that, that susceptibility exists even today. If simply killing Killua off would solve that, I would've attempted that sooner – before I'd started to remember the time in captivity. But as soon as Killua is cut away from me, I would have had to deal with Chrollo taking his place, most probably.

All this time I thought that by cutting the tie to my mother, I'd eliminated this need, but apparently even at a distance, Killua had filled that need for a connection for me. So keeping Killua alive and simply distancing myself from him after all this is over, will suffice. Chrollo will need to be killed though, he will not stop attempting to control me. In his current state, it won't be a problem to end this. I appreciate that in the end, the situation can be solved in a relatively simple manner.

The only thing I'm not appreciating, were Killua's words to Chrollo.

'Hm, it seems I have to leave you two alone for a second, I'll be right back. Please play nice.' After a little longer than an hour, Hisoka's phone had vibrated in his pocket, and left after having temporarily bandaged my arm. It didn't take long in the redhead's absence for Killua to start talking to me again,

'Even though it probably wasn't intentional, thank you for saving my ass twice tonight.' I didn't respond to that. One hour ago, Killua had made peace with the time in captivity, that he'd actually cared, and that admittance still does not sit well with me. This connection is supposed to be the same as I had with my mother. Never in my life had "care" been a part of that. It didn't overlap, and it made me uncomfortable. 'You're still not really remembering anything from four years ago, are you? It's really that scary for you?' Not having control over it, nor understanding it, was forcing me to not remember. As soon as I do, I will probably have to conform to Killua's words, and accept that not only this connection will keep existing, but that it was a mutual connection. That what I'd given during that time, had actually been returned to me. I will not remember our time.

Luckily, Killua was distracted when Hisoka returned with someone by his side. I gave it a curious look as well, but the company was not meant for me.

###

'Kurapika?' I looked up and raised an eyebrow when I saw Hisoka appear with him at the infirmary, forgetting trying to start a conversation with an unwilling Illumi, 'It's four in the morning, why are you here?' Hisoka answered for him when he passed me walking back to Illumi.

'I believe you're susceptible for the truth by now, but I don't think you would believe it coming from me, would you?'

'That's not even a question.' I raised my voice at him, before giving attention back to the blonde. Something is different about you tonight… 'You sure you don't want me to finish off Chrollo now that he's wounded instead of telling me some kind of truth?' He looked behind me at Illumi a second, 'Yeah, he's the one who injured him protecting me.'

'So Hisoka wasn't lying when he said that.'

'Strangely enough, no.' I would've wanted to confirm that too…

'… Walk with me to Chrollo's office.' I pushed myself off the bed to follow him without question.

'What? We are gonna finish him off today?'

'In a matter of speaking.' Why're you talking so quizzical. Returning at the office, walking back in, Kurapika didn't give Chrollo a second of attention. Said guy had pulled himself up against the desk, cradling his arm, and gave me a dangerous look. But it wasn't anything in comparison to what he'd shown before.

Kurapika took a chair and sat down across from the desk, not doing anything at the moment.

'You're taking the chance to get rid of me now that I'm weakened?'

'Well I'd love to with all my heart, but I'm not really sure what the meaning of this is.' I looked back at Kurapika, and he gave quite a blank expression back.

'He's not going to finish me. He's probably sworn never to kill anyone again after everything that happened, haven't you.' Still no response from Kurapika. 'On top of that, he's too kindhearted to do anything against me. Somewhere he still blames himself the most for everything that's happened. And you had a good time when we were together, hadn't you, Mr. genius student.'

'You're just gonna let him say all this shit?' I pointed my thumb back at the man in question while looking at Kurapika. Should I be sticking up for you or something?

'Killua.'

'Hm?' I lowered my hand again when he finally spoke up.

'What kind wounds does Chrollo have?'

'What? You can see for yourself, why should I describe them for you?'

'Humor me.' I let out an exasperated breath, this was like all those questions about what he looked like all over again,

'Fine. He's got a slash over his left forearm that's still bleeding, the wrist on his right arm is broken, and his forearm there has been broken in two like a twig. And by the looks of it, the shoulder there is dislocated too.' Wait, wasn't it Illumi with the gash wound?

'You've had some degree of psychological training from your parents, haven't you?'

'I have.' I pocketed my hand and turned my eyes back to the blonde,

'What do you know about regular memory loss?'

'You're talking about that I fabricated memory to cope with that Yellmi situation?' He nodded, 'In order for someone's psyche to keep from collapsing, certain traumatic memories are pushed back in secondary memory so far that they seem non-existent. Then, in order to stop you from looking for it, the brain either avoids that period of time altogether, or makes up a plausible alternate event that makes sense but was less damaging.'

'Do you remember everything yet from your time in captivity?'

'I don't have eidetic memory, so I'm still missing something stuff here and there.'

'Is there a timespan in which you remember almost nothing?' I passed through the different memories day by day before I answered,

'By far, I remember the least about day one.' Strange. I turned my eyes when I saw Chrollo trying to stand up, but was failing. Seems like Illumi may have caused some internal injury as well.

'Leave him be.' I shrugged it off, 'What do you conclude from that information?'

'That the most traumatic event probably happened on that day. Which wouldn't be strange, because we were both probably in denial.'

'Illumi is the one who remembers a lot surrounding the event literally, but only has emotional remembrance for his time with you, doesn't he?' I nodded, 'What does that say?'

'Where is this going?' I had to wonder by now.

'Don't worry, it's not going to take long.' Chrollo squirmed a bit more, and tried to stop the bleeding on his arm a little.

'It says that the event was more traumatic for him than for me. But that's not strange either. He's scared to death of anyone able to come close to him.'

'Of the times you remember with him, how do you feel about it?'

'Well, it was awkward at first, but it wasn't actually all that bad. I even hesitated to escape at some point because I liked being around him more than the thought of returning to a family that had left me to die.' I laughed a little at myself. It sounded crazy when saying it out loud. 'If he hadn't collapsed into himself by the end, I probably wouldn't have been able to rip that plate out.'

'He realized he'd made actual contact instead of coping by then. Tell me, how did the first couple of days together go?'

'Violently.'

'Why did it stop?'

'I don't remember. You're suggesting the turning point was a traumatic event for me too? What does all of this have to do with Chrollo anyway? Why are we here?' He ignored my question.

'Did you feel safe with Illumi afterwards?'

'Yeah, yeah I did.' Instantly,

'Then the falsified memories aren't there to cover the entire event, are they?'

'You mean the only traumatic events happened in between being locked up and the moment we made peace? That the reason why I flipped is the trauma, and the reason why we stopped is because we entered some kind of status quo to deal with it by then? That I'd snapped or given in to something at that point?'

'Correct.'

'Then why would I even want to remember?'

'Because it's the way to kill off Chrollo.' Very, very slowly, gears were starting to turn in my head,

'How does that even work? Did Illumi give some kind of information on him then? But information wouldn't fucking traumatize me! You say this traumatic event lasted from the start 'till the end of the second day, but Chrollo was never there during that time, he would've let us out to save his precious Illumi if he'd been anywhere near the place. But he was busy with the massacre of your family during that time!' This conversation was only putting more questions in my head.

'The massacre didn't start until after you were free again.' The final gears were starting to turn into place, and blood started retreating from my face. He waited for another second. This entire conversation he was assessing if I was ready to hear something, wasn't he. Hisoka called him over here because he thought I was ready to hear it? 'Have you ever heard of shared psychotic disorder?' Even though I started to realize the weight of what he was saying, I was still able to answer,

'It's when someone's delusions are carried over to another, usually in an isolated environment for an extended period of time.' I think my body needs blood in more places than just my chest, you stupid heart.

Kurapika looked a whole lot more relieved when he saw that this was actually getting through to me, but also started shaking - both his body and his voice. He opened his mouth again because I wasn't able to. SPD? SPD?! No! You can't fucking mean this!

'I'm glad it's slowly coming back to you. Just to verify we're on the same page, should I say it out loud?' I may have nodded, I may have not, 'Well…


'Well? The hour is up, are you going to explain the game to me now?' If there was anything that could help me suppress this unwanted difference in connection, then I would appreciate it. On top of that, things had escalated far enough by now. Luckily, Hisoka's face was showing exactly that kind of contentment. He was on the verge of getting physically excited from it, and sat himself down on the bed opposite of mine, not holding back anymore and simply purring like a kitten. He was still stretching this, enjoying the "foreplay".

'Hmm~ yes I will explain for you, if you so please.' He closed his eyes, letting out an unsubtle moan while his grin grew wider. 'I've been building up to this for three years, please excuse me while I savor in it.' When my expression hardened towards him, he continued. 'I would've loved for you to figure it out on your own, but you're so stubborn until the very end, aren't you. I guess that with someone like Chrollo always by your side, it's hard to actually see the obvious, isn't it.'

'Why would Chrollo stop me from-' That small hint got through to me, and the look in his eyes changed,

'Why is Chrollo off-limits, my dear Illumi-kun?' He crossed his legs and put his elbow on it, leaning his head on the back of his hand, 'Have you been able to figure it out?' Up until now, there hadn't really been a reason. Chrollo had done unimaginable horrors in his lifetime outside of this institution, but that wasn't an exception while being employed here. I had found nothing else that would have explained this to me, and he himself had refused to talk about it…

'Or can you imagine why he'd be so possessive over you? Surely you don't think that he's worse with you than others just because you were still doubting? I mean, he followed you all the way here, trying to reach you for three years. There must be something special about you that he can't live without you, don't you think?' I'd dismissed that thought earlier in our cooperation… 'None of your memories of him from before coming here actually overlap with the level of possessiveness he has now, do they. Not since Killua-kun got in the picture.' He was saying all of this for show, but I'd already realized, I just didn't want to accept it yet. I sat frozen in my place. This is not true, I am not this vulnerable..! 'You can reject it all you want, but you must realize the plausibility. Should I fill in the gaps for you to make you believe completely? Should I ask the final question then?'

'No.' I uttered resolutely, but Hisoka didn't let that stop him, and said it anyway,


'…What if I told you, that Chrollo is not just a "ghost", but that he actually doesn't exist at all?'


A/N

AND ON THAT BOMBSHELL
CAN I RENAME THIS FIC THE KANSAS CITY SHUFFLE? CAN I 8D?
(For those unlucky ppl who don't know Lucky number slevin, you gon watch it right now)

(I'm gonna get killed for this cliffhanger, aren't I)
(Or at the very least tortured until I've explained it)
(Or, knowing you, I will be showered with bunnies, kittens, balloons and candies)
(I don't mind, bring 'em)
(Totally worth it)