Act 46: Catherine
"Sara always knows everything," Warrick declares with a tone making this fact and absolute truth.
"Yup, I see all, hear all, know all," Sara drives the point home. "Almighty me," she gives Greg one of her lopsided grin.
The butterfly who took residence in the pit of my stomach ever since things changed between Sara and I, wakes up and goes nut. I can't help it, but every day I wonder at the fact that we are together and I feel like a schoolgirl.
I focus on the discussion with the boys as we start dwelling on the Carver's case.
"I look at Carver and I think there's truth in the statement that you can't wipe the spots off a leopard," I tell Greg. Carver has been known for incident involving him losing his temper to a point that he'd have a fit of rage and barely register what he was doing.
Greg was right Carver looked like the cool guy next door, and when not angry people agreed that he was a good guy albeit awkward with social cues, but he could lose his temper suddenly and then turn into a monster.
"You guys are so cynical," Greg observes.
"This job will do that to you," Warrick shrugs.
"No, I want to believe in people," Greg protests
"I do believe in people," I point out. "But Carver's history shows how unfit he was to be among people. I mean, according to the people who knew him, he was socially inept. There are at least two reports of incident where he beat two people to the pulp for something trivial and didn't see what was wrong about that. If anything it served to show that he was morally screwed up and dangerous."
"Now if you add to that the abuse he suffered, then the escalation of his violent streak was inevitable," Warrick adds.
I take a bite of my sandwich then wash it down with water before speaking again. "It's the good old, nature vs. nurture debate," I pause.
"Was Carver naturally dangerous or did the abuse he suffered made him this way?" Nick states.
"In his case I think it's both. The violent environment he grew up in only served to nurture his dangerous nature," I reflect.
"Well put," Nick approves.
"I know I'd never trust someone like Carver," I declare after a long silence. "I mean knowing how instable he is… I feel like it'd be highly irresponsible to let someone like that around people. It's like taking unnecessary risks. I know I'd never be comfortable around them and I certainly would never let them anywhere near Linds or anyone of my family for that matter. And that's not being cynical, it's just common sense… I admit that maybe it's my past experience talking but hey," I shrug.
"I can see the logic in our argument," Greg tilts his head in semi agreement.
"Anyway…" I sigh. "It's good to know that he won't hurt anyone anymore."
"Tell me about it," Warrick agrees.
"On a more upbeat note, did you…" my question is cut by the ringing of a phone. Out of reflex we all look at our phones then realize it's Sara's
"Sara?" Greg calls her. "Sara," he singsongs when she doesn't react.
She's so focused on her file that she blocked the rest of the world. "Sara!" Nick almost shouts. She's startled and looks at us obviously disoriented. "Your phone."
She fumbles with the device to answer then bolts out of the break room.
"I'll put your sandwich in the fridge for you," Greg informs her retreating form. He chortles. "Damn, she zoned out into another galaxy."
"You know our girl, when she's focused the building could crumble down that she wouldn't notice," Nick replies with a mix of amusement and pride.
We finish our lunch gossiping about Nick's pursue of a lab tech.
The rest of the shift goes by smoothly, I conduct different experiments with blood spatters to try and explain some findings at the scene.
I leave on time which lifts up my mood because it means that not only I get to spend time with Linds but if I get lucky I'll even get to spend extra time with Sara.
Unfortunately for me, Sara is nowhere to be found. I leave her a message letting her know that I'm going home and that she can text me at any moment when she's done, then drive myself to Nancy's.
After sharing breakfast with my daughter and my nephews we drop them off to school. I check one more time with Sara, to no avail, and let her know that I'll be at Nancy's at least for an hour so she's welcome to join us or to let me know if she's coming back at my place.
"I'm thinking about asking Sara to move in," I announce without any warning. Nancy stops what she's doing to give me her undivided attention. "Well, at least I'm thinking about giving her a set of keys. I don't want to make a big deal about it," I shrug.
"That's good."
"You don't think it's too soon?" I ask a bit surprised that she'd agree with my decision.
"If you feel ready then it's a good timing. She's spending a lot of time at your place anyway so the big difference will only be that she can open that door on her own."
"True," I beam.
"What's on your mind then?"
"What do you mean?" I feign ignorance. She just tilts her head and gives me a 'not to me' look. I sigh and give in. "She told me she loved me and I still can't spit those stupid words back."
She barely conceals her mirth. "Kitten…"
"It's not funny Nance!" I protest. "What if she thinks I don't share her feelings, when in fact I do?" I whine.
She forces her smile off her lips and sits in front of me. "I remember the first time Derek told me he loved me." I hung my head low preparing myself for a story relating their perfect couple. "That was about a minute before he proposed," she continues.
I look up in surprise and frown. "Wait, you never told me he proposed when you were still in high school."
"That's because he didn't."
"I'm fairly certain that you told me about exchanging 'I love you' when we were teens."
"I did tell him that I loved him when we were in high school, he never said those exact words back. He'd say 'you too' or 'back at you' but never the words."
"Really? Didn't that bother you?"
"At first I thought he didn't feel the same but then what he'd say or do let me know that he did, he just wasn't ready to say it," she simply states. "I was the first Derek ever said those words to, and I know for a fact that he had dated other women before we reconnected, and at least two of them were very serious."
She pauses, letting her words sink in. "Some people will say it as easily as 'good morning', some other people need time. We're all different when it comes to our hearts. You've been scalded before and now you're cautious, it's normal," she ventures. "Or maybe there's something that's holding you back unconsciously, either way it's okay."
"But I do love her," I point out.
"I know. Listen, if Derek taught me one thing it's that you don't say those words to hear them back. You say them because that's the way you feel and until you can voice them you translate them into gestures."
"So what I'm hearing is I shouldn't worry."
"Answer me this, does Sara seem to mind?"
"No… nothing's changed. I mean if anything she seems to be high most of the time lately."
It's true, Sara is in a better mood, even though she still has swings. She's even opening up a little more, in fact she did say she wanted to tell me about all those things that are haunting her. I didn't ask anything, she offered.
"Then you don't have anything to worry about."
"Maybe you're right."
"I'm always right," she smirks.
I grab a dish rag and throw it at her face. "Whatever."
I can feel the tiredness of my day starting to weight over my shoulder, sign that I should go to bed. "Do you want to sleep here?" Nancy asks as if she had read my mind.
"Nah, thanks, I'm going to go back home," I stand and hug her. "I'll call you later."
"Rest well," she wishes before I exit her house.
When I arrive home I'm a bit disappointed because Sara isn't there, and I don't even have a text message. I hurry through my routine and go to bed hugging the pillow Sara used last night a very poor substitute for the real thing.
I don't see Sara at all the next day, when I arrive at work she's already out on the field and we don't even cross path. Since I leave for a conference the day after tomorrow, I get to leave early today – at least as soon as all my paperwork is done.
Once I'm home I pack quickly and check everything twice. I go to Nancy to catch some sleep, I figured I'd get as much time with Linds as possible, since I won't be around for the next week.
After breakfast and dropping the kids to school, Nancy drives me back home and stays with me a bit so we can check the schedule for the upcoming week, figuring who out of her and Sara will pick up and take care of Linds, any given day.
Sara comes to my house in the afternoon just in time so we can go pick up Linds. I can see that Sara is tired and she admits to not sleeping much for the past couple of days.
I offer her to at least get a nap, but she declines saying that she'll rest later. I don't insist because if she stays awake it means I get more quality time with both Linds and her before leaving tonight, and as selfish as that is I'm grateful for the opportunity.
I truly appreciate how great my life is, I've finally have a stable family. Sure, there's still a lot to build with Sara but we have a healthy, balanced relationship. She is completely committed to Linds and I, so what more can I ask?
I'm a bit melancholic when we part at the airport, but for once I'm completely serene. I don't have any of the usual anguish at the thought of leaving Linds behind knowing that she'll be well taken care of.
The next month is unreal so much it's busy. Between the pile of cases and conferences I barely see Sara. We only cross paths in the labs and even then we can barely talk. When we managed to share breakfast the boys are there as well or we're interrupted by cases. We only managed to get together outside of work a dozen of times and it was to sleep so much we were exhausted but it was couple of hours at best. It was frustrating to say the least.
I'm worried because all the signs indicate that Sara is taking care of herself rather poorly.
I know that sleep wise things are worse. At first I thought that her nightmares had stopped, but I've realized that she simply doesn't sleep, she dozes on and off at best, but never really lets go and therefore doesn't really rest. As a result her mood tends to be low more often than not.
Since we have barely had time to talk, I can only witness her looking more and more worn out as days go when I'm around. When we are on the phone with one another she makes sure to talk about me and my conference or Lindsey.
We could spare so little quality time together that I decided not to push her to talk to me until I was done with all the conferences.
As it is I'm back in town for three days before my last conference, so I'm looking forward some time with Linds and Sara.
I don't get that lucky though. The first two days, I don't even get to see a glimpse of Sara, it's like she had fallen the face of the Earth, only text messages and a phone call assure me that she's still breathing somewhere.
Since I have a plane to catch in a few hours, I'm leaving the shift early today. I decide to hunt the labs for Sara because I really feel like I haven't seen her in ages and I won't lie it frustrates me.
Several questions to different person later I have at least the assurance that she's not on the field. I then proceed methodically and look in 'her' spots. I finally find her in one of the remote break rooms we use to sleep in. She's sitting on the couch apparently dozing off.
I grin at the sight, enter and close the door quietly behind me to give us some privacy. I can tell how exhausted she is by the fact that she hasn't woken up yet, because under normal circumstances she's a very light sleeper.
I sit next to her and after a few seconds I allow myself to brush one of her bangs away from her face. She scares the hell out of me when she wakes up with a violent start one fist balled and ready to fly in my direction. I recoil instantly to avoid any unfortunate punch, heart frantically beating in my chest from the sudden adrenaline rush.
Wow, that's a first.
"Sorry," she mutters once she gets her bearings. She leans forward propping her elbows on her lap then pushes the ball of her palms against her eyes.
She looks very tired and I think she has lost a bit of weight. It's not a new that sometimes she doesn't take care of herself, but that knowledge doesn't assuage my worries.
"How long have you been here? You look terrible," I ask softly.
She looks at her watch "Thirty odds hours," she replies after a long pause.
"Sweetie…"
"Don't," she exhale sharply with a clenched jaw. "Don't call me that, please," she says with a softer voice.
Here's another thing I don't understand, early into our relationship I've caught up on the fact that she had an aversion for pet names. I don't mind really, but I do wonder why.
"Sar, that's way too much," I continue.
"Yeah… I did leave twice only to be called back almost right away," she mumbles.
"You need some proper rest," I put a hand on her back but she tenses slightly so I pull away.
She leans back against the couch, her head toward the ceiling and her eyes closed again. I take a deep breath and reach into my pocket to get the extra set of key I've been carrying around for the past three days. "Here, go home, take a shower, sleep properly for two hours or three, then come back. You need it."
She lifts her head from the back of the couch and opens her eyes. I grin when she looks blankly at the set of keys dangling from my hand.
She blinks, then looks away never sparing a glance in my direction. "I have to go," she announces flatly then stands up, takes the file that was next to her and leaves without ever looking at me.
For a moment I don't process what just happened, I can only stare at the door like an idiot. I blink and my eyes fall on the keys in my hand, realization hits me like a violent punch to the guts. I feel nauseous as I close my fist around the keys which feel like they were sizzling my flesh.
I don't think that for a second I had envisioned the possibility that Sara wouldn't take them. My mind starts spinning with a million questions and emotions, so much that I become numb.
I'm on autopilot from that moment on, not knowing what to think but at the same time refusing to dwell on it not to lose it.
The conference passes in a blur, and before I know it I'm back in Vegas after four days of complete radio silence with Sara.
I can't bring myself to call her, I know it's probably nothing, but I have this fear gripping my guts that something is wrong. I'm at a loss as to what's going on and I know I should face things head on but I just can't, because I'm not sure I'll be able to handle it.
When I return to work my stomach is in a knot. I don't think I felt that bad since the time I had called things off months ago.
I have so much paperwork that I spend the first half of my shift confined in my office. My focus is suddenly broken by my stomach begging to be fed.
"I thought I had heard Growl."
I almost jump out of my skin at the voice. I look up and find Sara in the middle of my office. I was so into what I was doing that I hadn't heard her coming in.
I can't read her expression. I must look like an idiot staring but I don't know what to say after four days without a single contact. Considering how we parted I think it's all on her to make the first move.
"How was your trip?" she asks without any enthusiasm.
"It was fine," I reply just as flatly.
She nods then averts her eyes. I can feel unwarranted anger rising, but I remind myself that now isn't the time or place for this.
She raises the bag in her hand. "I got you lunch," she comes closer to put it on my desk then steps away like the bag might explode.
"I missed you," she speaks again after a long pause. Just as she's about to say something more her beeper goes off. "I have to go," she simply adds before leaving my office.
I sigh. I don't know what to think, but I suppose I should feel a bit less worried about everything.
My stomach manifests itself again so I go to lock my door then move the papers on my desk. I open the bag to take everything out. I can smell my favourite sandwich inside, there's also a cinnamon roll and cup of what I assume to be coffee. I'm about to unwrap my sandwich when I noticed something on the wrapping paper, three words and a letter: I love you, S.
I let out a deep breath that I was probably holding since the last time we had seen each other. I don't know what's going on but at least that's the sign that things are still somewhat good between us.
The following week doesn't do anything to assuage my fears because we only see each other at work and even then we barely exchange any word, then after shift she simply disappears and I have the sick feeling that she's avoiding me.
I can't stand it anymore though which is why I'm now in front of her door. I was having dinner with my siblings but my mind was on Sara the whole time so I left early. I need to know what's going on and where we're standing because I don't recognize Sara and being in uncertainty is killing me.
I knock on her door and wait. A minute passes without reply and for a second I wonder if she's ignoring me, but then the door opens and Sara is looking at me blankly.
After a bit she steps aside to let me in. "I thought you were having dinner with your brothers and Nancy," she states before going to sit on the armchair next to her couch.
"I was but I wanted to talk to you," I sit on the couch so I'm almost facing her. "I don't know what's going on and I can't stand it. I've been…"
"Cath, now is not a good time to talk," she says with a sigh.
"No offence, but it seems like I could wait until hell freezes over before the right time comes," I reply bitterly.
She doesn't react, in fact it looks like she doesn't care at all. "Cath, we can't talk right now," she repeats after a few seconds.
"Why not? You have somewhere to be? Or better things to do?"
Again there's a beat. "No…"
I keep staring at her so she can elaborate. She eventually does after a pause "…I've been drinking and right now… I'm on my sweet spot."
"What?"
She blinks several times as if to focus "That spot where nothing matters and nothing reaches me."
It's only now that I notice her blank stare, I understand that the reason there's a beat before she speaks is because her mind is floating in alcohol and she has to make extra effort to answer coherently.
"I'd rather not be emotionally vacant when we talk," she adds after a moment.
I snort with irritation. "Figures, there's always a good reason for you not to talk," I declare in frustration.
She just stares at me completely nonplussed which only serves to piss me off. "To be fair I wasn't expecting you," she simply says.
"Like that would have changed anything," I stand up.
"You don't have to go… we can sleep… we can watch a movie or anything… just not talk."
"I don't have any reason to stay," I spit flatly, even through her haze I know the barb hurt.
"Okay," her voice stays monotone.
I shake my head and walk to the door, and she follows me silently.
"I'll call you tomorrow."
"Don't bother," my tone is algid and sharp, I open the door and slam it on my way out.
I enter my car and hit the steering wheel in frustration several times.
I feel like dating Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. This is out of character for Sara, or maybe it's not, I don't know. We've never been so out of tune before, at least not since we've started dating.
I don't know what to do and the more I think about it the more I realize that I might have willingly dismissed the signs that things were going downhill.
I was very upset at her reaction when I offered her the keys to my house. Afterward and especially when I came back from my conference I figured that maybe I had been too casual about it or perhaps it was too soon for her and she just freaked out. I rationalized the fact that we didn't talked much by telling myself that she probably was just embarrassed at her reaction or just didn't know how to express herself on the matter.
In fact I was ready to apologize to her today if I had scared her off and ease her into the idea of giving her a set of keys.
But now…
I'm so fucking frustrated and lost right now I can barely think.
I can feel tears stinging my eyes.
What the hell is going on?
I hit the wheel again. "Damn it!"
