Chapter 51

Thank you so much for your reviews! Keep 'em coming! This is your third one in one week! I think I deserve them *wink* haha

A little shorter than usual, but hey, it's an update. Enjoy it! hehe


Kate rolled over and reached across the bed, a bright smile on her sleeping face. She knew her fingers would reach the muscular body she craved, and anticipated the feeling of his warm skin under her fingertips. She reached so far she had to open her eyes to find out what was in her way of her destination. And then, as she stared at the empty pillow, she remembered. He wasn't there. He wouldn't be. She closed her eyes shut and took a deep breath to hold back her emotions, before climbing from the comfortable bed and sliding her robe over her shoulders.

It had been two weeks since they'd placed the memorial stone next to Christian's, seven weeks since she had seen his face. It still stung, the pain and the feeling of loss, but she pushed on for her babies. Brushing her teeth, she noted that his was still on his side of the double bath counter, along with many of his other toiletries she had yet to remove. She wasn't ready yet. So she left them there. She was content with that for now.

It was almost as if she didn't allow herself to dwell on it, to think to deeply about her loss now. As she wandered down the sunlit hall to Adam's room, she could hear the youngster playing in his crib. She smiled to herself, pushing the door fully open and reveling her husband's son, playing with a stuffed animal, completely content to just be. Though he resembled his father, he wasn't worrier Jack had been as a child, Margo recalled. Adam carried her carefree attitude, and Kate was thankful for that. Aaron was a little more intuitive and worrisome and they had to be careful of what talk he heard about Jack. She still hadn't been able to bring herself to explain everything to Aaron, he was still adjusting to Claire's presence, they all were. But Kate was happy for the help and the company. She wasn't ready to be alone in the large house, with so much left to do to clear it of Jack. She wasn't ready.

Carrying the happy baby down the stairs, and heard the television on and grinned. Aaron was up, lying on the couch, watching cartoons, just like he would do on his mornings with Jack when he had been there.

Wishing him a good morning with a kiss on his blonde head, Kate settled Adam in his highchair and began brewing coffee and making breakfast for her family. Claire would be down soon, so Kate settled a place setting for her at the breakfast bar, next to Aaron's. They'd slowly been getting to know each but Aaron, as was his way, was tentative and nervous, never letting her get to close. Kate observed and it broke her heart for Claire. Eventually she knew the young child would grow comfortable, but it was going to take time. And he had no idea who this woman was, or why she would be spending time with him, and Kate felt that gave him every reason to be cautious.

Switching on the radio, she hummed lightly along, pouring two cups of coffee automatically, and then shaking her head. She always poured the second one for Jack. It was just another daily reminder of the loss that had punctured their lives.

Pulling out the cereal and the milk, along with the baby food for Adam, Kate thought about her day. She and Claire would take the kids for a walk to the park, and then she would hit the gym for an hour or so, and then she needed to go to the grocery store and run some other errands. Thinking about money made her nervous, she needed to assess their bank accounts. Without Jack's salary, she wasn't sure how long they'd be able to go before she was forced to get a job. Margo had told her to take Jack's life insurance, but part of Kate wasn't ready for something so permanent, something that clearly stated how much he was not coming back. She'd take it if she needed it, but she wanted to ignore it as long as possible. She'd get a job before she'd take the money, she determined. Maybe she'd save it as college money for Adam. She wasn't sure and couldn't think about it right now.

She dressed after feeding the kids and Claire, and they began to half-mile walk to the park. Claire was settling in as expected, still not completely comfortable with being back in civilization, and not completely sure of her situation with Aaron. Kate agreed, she wasn't either, but they were working through it, somewhat, together. They were becoming closer as friends, as well, Kate knowing they would have been great sister-in-laws.

"It's so beautiful here." Claire mused as they walked past a row of palm trees on the street they live off of. "I just can't get over it."

"Yeah, it's really nice. It's why I bought the house here, too. Because it's so quiet and comfortable. Great for the kids." Kate agreed as they walk along, Claire leading Brody, the kids in the stroller that Kate pushed. The dog was big now, almost fifty pounds, and Kate didn't know how much bigger he could get. She imagined though that he would stop at around eighty pounds, and hoped for it, knowing he would be almost too big at that point. But he was very gentle and protective of the children and her, and was growing to enjoy Claire as well. He was a sweet dog with a great personality. Kate enjoyed him, feeling safe and protected with him around.

"You bought before you and Jack got together, right?" Claire asked, trying to get her story straight. Kate nodded, wistfully.

"Yeah, he helped me pick it out though. We were spending a lot of time together at that point, we just weren't together." She confirmed, thinking of all the times they'd made this walk together. Claire nodded, taking in the information.

"I wish I'd gotten to know him as my brother. It's funny sometimes to think back to after the crash, when we didn't know we were related. I think of how different it would have been if we had known," Claire spoke thoughtfully, chewing on her lip. Kate nodded, understanding her thoughts, always having her own like that.

"It is interesting to think about how much of strangers we all were. Talk about being brought together by fate. It messed with Jack's head, knowing he'd left you behind, his sister. He felt guilty every day. I think it took part in his choice to come back to Aaron. He needed him as much as I did." She looked down at the blonde haired child behind Adam and wondered if he knew what they were talking about, if he was listening. He was a smart child, she knew that. She wouldn't put it past his little brain to be absorbing all the information they spoke about. They were always careful though to never allude to the fact that Aaron was Claire's child in front of him in ways he would understand.

"I can only imagine. I would have appreciated an older brother looking out for me back then. At least I had it for a few days when you guys were back. Not that there was much time." Kate could tell Claire had her regrets. Didn't they all?


Kate stood in her bathroom two weeks later and admired to the tone in her arms. She'd been going to the gym to take her mind off the stresses of her life, missing Jack, Aaron and Claire. She'd run for a while, thinning out her body with the cardio, and building lean muscle with weights. She needed something for herself, and she had always been fit, so it made sense in her mind for her to work out. It relaxed her, and she'd go home after and be ready to handle the kids and Claire, now in an even head. Margo was impressed with her coping skills, always checking on her and insisting she was blocking, not allowing herself to feel the grief she should be. Kate would shake her head with a small smile and state that she grieved every day but these were her ways of getting through the days. She needed these things. Margo was a strong woman, and she understood Kate's determination, she just didn't want her to break at some point, and crash and burn. That was her major fear.

Kate kept the towel tied tight around her upper body as she combed her hair, watching the satisfying flex of her arms. The only thing she seemed to be struggling with losing was the weight in her stomach. She knew sometimes after children it was hard to regain a flat midsection, but before they'd left for Fiji, she had pretty much had it, she felt. Now it seemed to be moving backward. She wasn't so much gaining weight, as much as she couldn't seem to tone up the muscles in that area and lose the layer of post-baby fat she had been working on. It was the only part of her that didn't resemble her pre-baby body, and even then, it was a small, unnoticeable layer to everyone else. It was noticeable to her though.

Dressing through her mental fog of worries, Kate tied her long curls up on her head, and slid on her dress shoes before heading down the stairs to say goodbye to Claire and the babies. She had a doctor's appointment, a check-up, her yearly, and wanted to ask the doctor some questions. Kissing her boys, she thanked Claire and headed to the Tahoe. She grinned a sad smile every time she approached the large car with its Red Sox license plate on the front. Jack had bought it, as he enjoyed adorning their vehicles in memorabilia. The Volvo had a sticker on the back window, a small one, but it still brought a smile to her lips. She watched the games every night, still. They were doing well and she suspect that they might make win the division. Only a few more games. By October, only a week or so away, they'd have their answer. She wished Jack could have seen how well they were playing.

The radio was her nemesis though. So many songs seemed to remind her of him. She was getting better, she probably hadn't cried in a week or so, and felt she attributed that to her healthy lifestyle. She also took joy in the children, and Claire for company, and Margo came to visit often. She tried to find things to keep her mind off of missing him. Sometimes it worked, sometimes she stared at pictures, but generally she hadn't cried. She had taken Adam to his grave the last two Sundays, as she had promised she'd visit often, and had taken joy in trying to teach Adam to talk, as he babbled constantly, while they sat in the grass, watching butterflies and birds. It got to her sometimes when she thought about the things he would miss, but she tried not to get too caught up in that.

Climbing out of the car at the doctor's office, she thought of the time she and Jack had come here to see Adam's ultrasound, their first time experiencing that together. She remembered the look on his face. It warmed her heart as she walked into the waiting room. It wasn't long before the nurse called her back, taking her weight, and drawing blood. Soon Dr. Patterson entered, greeting Kate warmly. Kate smiled back as the woman took out her tools and chatted with Kate about mundane things like the weather and Aaron going to preschool. Just one more thing Kate was stressing about.

After Dr. Patterson was ready, settled Kate onto her exam table. Kate briefly told her about the loss of Jack, stating it was an unfortunate accident, but nothing more. The doctor gave her sympathies, and offered to help Kate in any way she could. While she examined Kate routinely, she asked Kate if there was anything specifically she needed.

"Well, nothing I can think of. I think I'm just going to stay off my birth control for now, since I'm clearly not sexually active, and I think that's really all."

Dr. Patterson nodded. "Okay, sure. You can do that." Kate hated these awkward exam moments, but tried to show some grace and stay quiet. It worried her how quiet Dr. Patterson was, though. "Anything else you're concerned about? Been feeling all right lately?" She enquired. Kate raised an eyebrow and tried to think.

"I can't think of anything. My emotions have been kind of a rollercoaster but I think that has to do with the loss of Jack. I've been fine otherwise."

"And you've been working out?"

"Yeah, fairly hard, actually. Takes my mind off things." Dr. Patterson stood after a moment, and removed her gloves.

"I'll be right back, okay. Stay right there." She gave a reassuring smile and left the room. Kate twiddled her thumbs, staring at the blank ceiling, wondering if she and Jack would have ever had another child. She had always wanted a girl, but had been equally as happy with Adam. She shut her eyes and wished away the thoughts, instantly regretting thinking about it due to the emotions sliding over her. She held in the tears and waited for the doctor to come back, choosing wonder why it was necessary to show graphic pictures of the female internal parts.

Dr. Patterson entered the room soon after and Kate couldn't read the expression on her face.

"On here, you left the last date of your last period blank, do you not remember?"

Kate's cheeks blushed and she looked down. "It's been a complicated few months. I can't remember." She replied sheepishly. The doctor nodded, looking at papers in Kate's file. She set them down and moved back to Kate, sitting beside her on her stool.

"I'm afraid to tell you this because of what you just told me about your husband." The doctor looked saddened, almost remorseful. Kate panicked.

"What's wrong?" Kate asked quietly, dreading what she might say.

"It's not so much what's wrong…." Dr. Patterson replied, pushing a stray blonde hair behind her ear. She reminded Kate of Juliet in a way. Kate gave her a puzzled look. "Kate, you're pregnant. You're about 8 weeks, maybe a few more. I won't know exactly until I do a full ultrasound." Kate felt a cold chill run through her veins and Dr. Patterson watched the blood drain from her face. She stood quickly, getting Kate a cup of water. She handed the young woman the Dixie cup and Kate stared into it, her face resembling nausea. She didn't speak for a long moment, wild thoughts running through her head. "Kate?" Dr. Patterson pushed. Kate's green eyes met hers and the doctor could see the tears brimming. Tears Kate hadn't cried in over a week. The floodgates were re-opened with those words, that she was pregnant. How could she be pregnant? She knew how, but why now? And she hadn't felt a thing, nothing like when she had been pregnant with Adam.

"Do you want to see it?" Dr. Patterson asked, looking at Kate, concerned.

"I haven't felt sick at all, I haven't felt anything. How could I—how didn't I—" Kate stuttered frantically, fighting the tears that threatened to spill. Dr. Patterson was sympathetic.

"Sometimes each pregnancy is different. And you've clearly been preoccupied. You're also not that far along, so the morning sickness is probably coming. Let's check on the baby, shall we?" She encouraged, pulling the machine up to a stunned Kate. Kate nodded silently. "Let's make sure it's doing all right. And I can get a better estimate about how far along you are." She lifted Kate's gown, covering her lower half with a sheet, and put the cold jelly on Kate's flat stomach. Suddenly it dawned on Kate that that was why she couldn't seem to flatten out her stomach more. Her body was preparing for expanding, not shrinking. Laying her head back, she looked away from the screen, the familiar anger she'd felt in the recent days at Jack flooding back. How could he have done this? Left her alone with their Aaron and Adam, and now this.

As lights were darkened, the image of Kate's uterus became obvious on the screen and sure enough, Kate could see the small cellular being floating in her belly. Kate bit back a sob as she stared at the little being that would soon develop into her baby. "Yeah, I'd say you're about 8 weeks along…." Kate didn't hear any words after that admission; she simply stared at the screen. Eight weeks equaled back to the Island. Tears escaped Kate's eyes as she watched the little cellular being float around. She and Jack were having another baby. Or, correction moreover, she was having another baby. Without Jack.

"Damn you." her thoughts screamed at him.