A/N: I'm back with the latest installment! There are only TWO more chapters left! There's a lot of Sirius/Riley in this chapter plus some cute James/Lily moments! I probably went a little overboard on the "cute" moments actually...eh, but that's probably just me feeling sentimental that this story is coming to an end soon!
Disclaimer: Trust me when I say that I'm not J.K. Rowling. She owns most of the characters in this story and a very small part of the plot.
Kisses on the Balcony
By ByeByeBirdie
Chapter 55: Of Punch, Dances, & Rain
The four guys spent a few extra minutes lingering at the party in the Gryffindor common room with Sirius praising Dezzy for spiking the punch early on and James torn between his curiosity as to how she got her hands on alcohol and his obstinacy, knowing he was probably better off in the dark. He had always been adamant about not telling his sister all of his secrets, mostly because he did not want her to follow in his footsteps. He cringed at the thought of her sneaking into a pub in Hogsmeade after hours surrounded by alcohol, loud music, and the opposite sex. But when he saw Drew's arm draped comfortably over Dezzy's shoulder, James knew that Drew would always be there to protect Dezzy when James couldn't be.
The four Marauders drank a single glass of champagne in the common room, toasting to each other and their last night at Hogwarts, before James dragged them all down to the Great Hall, feeling the need to make sure that everything had been prepared and in place for the big event. Granted, his three friends all knew that he just wanted to appear responsible for Lily, but they didn't bother teasing him about it. They had gotten used to the sappy, sensible side of James and although it was a complete 180° from the James they knew in previous years, they had no complaints seeing as he was clearly happy.
Lily had to practically force Kay and Riley out the door that evening. Riley would have stood in front of the mirror for another hour making sure every hair was in place and Kay was content just strewn across her bed with an old Witch Weekly in her hand. But Lily was determined to guarantee one of the best nights ever spent at Hogwarts to each and every single seventh-year student.
As the three girls entered the Great Hall, their eyes immediately zoomed in on the four boys by the punch bowl. Lily quickly bounced over to them with Kay and Riley right on her heels.
"This place looks great!" Kay complimented, greeting the four boys. "Can you believe it's our last night here?"
"No," Remus chimed in, shaking his head. "I think I'm still in denial. It's not going to hit me until September 1st when I don't return to Hogwarts."
James nodded. "Well, it's our last night here, so let's make sure we have one hell of a night." James poured the three of them a glass of punch and handed it to them.
Lily gave him a curious look.
James rolled his eyes. "It's not spiked."
"Yet," Sirius chimed in, winking playfully.
Lily snickered, giving him a look. "You are graduating tomorrow, Sirius Black. Don't screw it up now and give Dumbledore a reason to expel you."
"Nah, the big guy loves me!" Sirius argued, grinning. "He would never really expel me."
"If you got the entire seventh-year student body drunk, I think he might," Riley teased, wrapping her arm around his waist and kissing his cheek.
"Well, then I just have to make sure I don't get caught."
"Or, and here's a novel idea, don't spike the punch," said Lily firmly, crossing her arms authoritatively.
Sirius groaned. "You're just lucky I left my flask back in my room."
Lily nodded in agreement as the rest of her friends chuckled.
Remus used that moment to change the subject, fixing his gaze on the three girls. "Well, on a completely different note, have I mentioned that you three look amazing?"
Kay and Riley blushed but Lily nodded her gratitude as James outstretched his hand to his girlfriend. "I couldn't agree more," James said, twirling Lily around in her mauve gown. He drew her in to him, kissing her on the cheek. "You look beautiful," he whispered in her ear.
She squeezed his hand and as if she wasn't surrounded by her friends, she stood on her tiptoes and pressed her lips ardently to his, passion igniting between them.
"Can't you save that for later?" Remus chimed in with a snicker, his voice breaking their moment.
Lily blushed and glared at Remus over James' shoulder. "You're just jealous that Jillian isn't around," she snickered.
Remus pouted. "Low blow," he whined.
Lily winced, flashing him a sheepish grin. "Sorry. But you should invite her to the lakehouse for the summer."
"Yes, because I'm sure her parents would love for her to spend an entire summer away from home in the presence of her older boyfriend with no parental supervision," Remus retaliated, giving her a look.
Lily shrugged. "Maybe for just a week then."
Remus laughed and nodded. "Yes, let's just start with that."
The Weird Sisters started a new slow-paced song and Riley grinned, turning to her boyfriend with a hopeful look in her eyes. "I love this song. What are the chances I can convince you to dance with me?"
While Sirius would normally groan and argue, he found himself nodding. Mostly because he knew that at some point that night he had to tell Riley to take the fellowship with Australia and he wanted her to remember him as the romantic, lovable boyfriend before he did. "Sure," he said, leaning in closely and kissing her cheek.
"What, that's it? No complaints? No arguments?" Peter asked in shock. "Since when do you dance?"
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Since she showed up looking a like a knockout in that dress," he whispered, smiling at the hint of red that appeared on Riley's cheeks. He glanced briefly over at Peter. "Besides, it's our last night here. We only live once, right?" he urged, grabbing Riley's half-empty punch glass out of her hand and putting it on the table.
"Right," Riley agreed with a shy smile. Sirius reached for her hand and led her out to the dance floor, ignoring their friends' teasing catcalls.
He twirled her around swiftly before leading her straight into his arms, pressing his lips to the side of her face. She wrapped one arm around his shoulder and gripped his right hand tightly as he led his left hand slowly down the curve of her back. They danced like that for a few minutes listening to the melodic voices of the Weird Sisters, neither wanting to spoil the moment. "Can you believe it's all coming to an end tomorrow?" Sirius finally murmured, swallowing the lump in his throat. "We've been through a lot this year. The past seven years actually."
"I'm just glad that it's all ending where it is. On a good note," she whispered, glancing up at him, her eyes lighting up with enthusiasm.
Sirius' heart fluttered. "Right." She rested her head against his chest and his arms tightened around her, a pang of guilt surging through him. "Sometimes I wish we could just stop time," he blurted out in a whisper. "Stay like this forever."
If she noticed the waver in his voice, she didn't show it. "Life would certainly be easier, hm?"
Sirius could only nod.
"But if we stopped time now we wouldn't get to experience an entire summer away at your summer house together. And we wouldn't get to enjoy two weeks on the open sea together," Riley reminded him with a teasing smile.
Sirius froze, the hairs on his arms standing upright. He tried finding the right words to respond but they all caught in his throat. So he chose not to say anything at all. The song ended and not a moment too soon in Sirius' mind. "Let's go for a walk," he murmured, grabbing her hand and dragging her off the dance floor.
She looked puzzled, but followed him.
As they exited out to the courtyard unbeknownst to their friends, Lily was gazing up at James with a hopeful look. "What are the chances you'll pull a Sirius and come dance with your girlfriend?"
James groaned. "I'm a horrible dancer. Why would you want to dance with me?"
"Because as much as I like Remus and his impressive dancing skills," said Lily, flashing a teasing look towards Remus beside her, "You're the guy I fell in love with and hence, the guy I want to dance with."
"Oh, sure, play the 'I love you' card," said James sarcastically, earning a laugh from his friends and a pout from Lily.
"And you're totally going to be missing out on my awesome moves," Remus argued to Lily in a sing-song voice, grinning goofily.
She made a face. "I'll take my chances." She turned back towards James, a look of hopeful pleading on her face and James simply groaned inwardly.
He reached for Lily's hand and shrugged. "Eh, what the hell. Just don't laugh at me."
"Nah, that's our job," said Remus.
James flipped him off with a grin and dragged his girlfriend on to the dance floor, passing by Gideon and Marlene on the way and stopping to say hello quickly.
Lily couldn't help but chuckle as James attempted to twirl her around a few times to the beat, tripping over his own feet. He scowled. "You promised you wouldn't laugh at me."
"No, you just asked me not to laugh. I never promised anything," Lily pointed out.
He frowned. "Damn those technicalities."
She grinned and stood on her tiptoes to kiss him as the Weird Sisters started to play a peaceful soft song. James slowed his pace and outstretched his hand to hers. "Now I think this is a song I could dance to," he whispered, pulling her into his arms.
Lily smiled and nodded, resting her head against his chest comfortingly. There wasn't anywhere else she wanted to be.
"I could probably get used to this," James whispered.
"I thought you didn't like to dance," Lily responded with a hint of a smile.
He shrugged. "Eh, dancing isn't so bad when it's with you. But I was more referring to this," he said, pressing himself tighter to her, "Of never having to let you go."
"Ah," she said with a smile. "I could probably get used to that, too."
She tilted her head up to kiss him. An intense kiss that started slow but continued to build. As if they were the only ones in the room. It was their last night at Hogwarts, just a few hours of their time to reflect on the past and embrace their future and kissing James was just a reminder of what her future was.
Lily had forgotten entirely where she was until she heard Kay's voice cry out behind them. "James! Lily! Dumbledore is asking for you two!"
They both felt a brief flicker of irritation for the very untimely interruption. James' eyes fluttered open and shot a terse glare Kay's way before his lips continued to press down on Lily's, more urgent than before. It was the last night he was going to be able to kiss his girlfriend at the place that had brought them together. He was determined to enjoy it.
"Do you really want to blow off Head duties to snog your girlfriend? I'm sure Dumbledore would totally understand that," Kay snorted, right behind James now.
James turned his face slightly to murmur, "Go away, Kay," and then pressed his lips to hers again.
"Lily, you're the more sensible one. Don't you think you can do this later?"
She wasn't paying any attention to Kay's voice. At that moment, she was content just being in James' arms. "I agree with James. Go away," she chuckled, wrapping her arms tighter around her boyfriend and letting him continue to kiss her in front of her friend.
Kay growled quietly, placing her hands on her hips. "I'll tell Dumbledore all of the pranks you plan on playing at graduation tomorrow, James."
James froze, scowling. He finally lifted his face from his girlfriend's and glared at the now smug Kay. "You're awfully small to be so incredibly evil."
Kay grinned. "I get that a lot. Dumbledore's off to the right behind the stage."
"What does he want?" Lily asked curiously.
Kay shrugged. "I dunno. Something about thanking you or congratulating you or…or something to do with putting together the ball."
James groaned, glaring at her. "You interrupted a perfectly good snog session because Dumbledore wanted to thank us for arranging a successful ball? That couldn't have waited?" he said.
Kay grinned sheepishly.
Lily shook her head in disbelief. "You really are evil."
Sirius didn't bother strolling around the courtyard like he had suggested. He slowly strode over to one of the benches and took a seat, Riley quickly behind him with a curious, confused look on her face. He had a deep frown on his face and his eyes were glazed over with a sort of forced determination. "Sirius, what's going on?" she asked.
His heart fluttered as he moved his gaze from the ground towards the sky. He was willing to look anywhere but in Riley's eyes. There were clouds looming in the distance threatened with rain and every few minutes, there was a slight rumble of thunder and a ripple of lightning, filling the sky with a flash of light. He settled his gaze in on a few of the twinkling stars off to the right, fighting to gleam even through the impending rainstorm.
"Sirius," she whispered, reaching for his hand.
He didn't flinch or even pull his hand away from hers. He grabbed her hand tightly and squeezed it before he slowly dropped his gaze upon her, noting the distress in her eyes. He was planning on telling that he loved her. He was planning on saying that he would always be there for her. He was planning on reminiscing on all of the wonderful memories they shared. He had planned on easing into the eventual speech he prepared. But with one look into her eyes, all was forgotten. He blurted out, "I think you should go to Australia."
She froze, feeling surprised and slightly dumbfounded. She had no idea what to expect from his sudden uneasy behavior change but it certainly wasn't that. "What?" she croaked.
He swallowed hard and turned away, not bearing to look at the contorted expression on her face. "I think you should take the fellowship with the Daily Australian Record."
Her heart skipped a beat. "But…I-I…" she dithered, pulling her hand back from his slowly. "I thought we already agreed that I'd stay here."
"No, you agreed," said Sirius. "And I didn't-"
"So you want me to go?" she murmured, slightly hurt.
He shook his head vehemently, reaching for her hand again. She pulled it back from him slowly, crossing her arms bitterly. He sighed. "No, I don't want you to go, Riley," he urged. "But you deserve to go The DAR is one of the most prestigious newspapers in the wizarding world ever since the Daily Prophet started being manipulated by the British Ministry. And the DAR wants to help you achieve your dreams. Who am I to stop you?"
"The guy who supposedly loves me," she muttered.
"I do love you," he muttered, slightly hurt. "And because I love you, I have to let you follow your dreams. I have to let you live your life. I have to let you go."
She frowned but remained silent.
"I know a part of you wants to go, Riley," Sirius continued.
"You don't know that," she argued.
He smiled lopsidedly. "My guess is that you haven't sent in your rejection yet."
She pursed her lips. "It hasn't even been eighteen hours since I made the decision," she said dryly.
"Yeah, but that's not the reason you haven't sent it in yet," Sirius contested almost immediately.
"Enlighten me," she murmured, her voice rigid and irritated. "What are the reasons I don't want to accept it?"
"You're scared," he urged. "You're doing what you do best: running from opportunity. You're taking the easy way out by staying. You don't want to fail and you don't want to let anyone down. Least of all yourself."
"You think you have me all figured out, don't you," Riley growled, shaking her head in disbelief.
"Yeah, I do," he said in all honesty, gazing sullenly at her. "Riley, you're allowed to be scared of the future. But don't run from it."
She turned her head away, knowing he was right. "And what if I want to stay, Sirius?" she asked softly. "What if I want to be with you?"
His heart skipped a beat, a lump forming in his throat. He didn't know what to say or do. Because he was dying for her to stay. He wanted nothing more than for her to stay and for her to follow him to New York. But that wasn't fair to her. "Only stay if you're doing it for the right reasons," he urged.
"And you don't think staying for you is the right reason?" she whispered, feeling slightly anxious. She bit down on her bottom lip when he didn't respond. "I already know that my future is with you, Sirius. We have a plan, remember? To sail to New York come September."
"But that's all it is," he murmured, shaking his head slowly. "A plan. The DAR would be more than that. It would be stability and security. It would be a job and a future. I don't want you regretting your decision later down the road. I can't be the reason you stay, Riley. I can't have you blaming me in a few months when reality sets in and we realize we have no jobs."
"We'll have each other," she whispered hoarsely.
"I'll still be here in a year," he explained, reaching for her hand again. He was grateful when this time she held on, squeezing his hand cautiously. "We can still be an us in a year, Riley. I'm not going anywhere. I'm still going to love you even if you're 15,000 miles away." He lifted her hand up to his lips and kissed it softly.
She melted into his touch. "Come with me, Sirius," she blurted out.
Sirius froze, gazing down at her. "What?"
"Come with me to Australia," she urged, her voice fill of pleading.
Sirius swallowed hard, sighing. "I have to go see my uncle, Riley," he whispered.
Glancing at him, she nodded. "Yeah, I know." A lump formed in her throat. "But I had to ask."
"I know," he said softly, burying his lips into her beautiful chestnut hair.
She said nothing as she closed her eyes, breathing in his scent and wanting nothing more than to freeze time in that very moment. Life was moving too fast and she wasn't sure she was ready to catch up to it.
"You do realize that if I go, we won't be able to see each other often," she whispered. "We'd have to get international floo licenses issued every time we wanted to spend time together and those can take up to a week to be approved. We wouldn't be able to just pop in and see one another. And who even know where you'll be. London? New York?"
Sirius had to look away from her pleading eyes. "It's just for a year," he reminded her. "It took us nearly seven years to get to where we are today. We can wait another year to be with each other again." He gazed into her eyes vulnerably, brushing her hair out of her face and kissing her on the forehead. "I love you, Riley. That's not going to change when you go to Australia."
She swallowed hard, noting the 'when' that was no longer an 'if.' Her heart fluttered softly in her chest as she laid her head on his shoulder. She didn't have anything else to say. She had no more arguments or disputes. She was out of excuses and pleas. He continued to come up with good reasons for her to go—ironically, all of the worthy reasons she had had on her pro-con list but ignored—and she was coming up blank.
She blinked back the tears, shutting her eyes tightly. She slowly let go of his hand and stood up off the bench, needing to get away from him as she wrapped her mind around the words he had spoken. She didn't know what to think. She had expected him to be happy that she was choosing him and yet here he was telling her that she should go to Australia. She knew that it was difficult for him to tell her to go. She saw the hesitance and the vulnerability in his eyes and she knew that he didn't want her to go. He just thought she should go. He was so selfless and considerate; another reason she cared so much about him. But none of it meant that she was ready to go. Probably because she was scared, which he recognized. He had seen right through her. It wasn't necessarily him she was running to but herself she was running from. He had been right; it was easier settling for what she knew than taking a risk. And ironically, the last risk she had taken had gotten her the best, most unselfish boyfriend in the world.
She slowly wandered down towards the lake. Riley fixed her eyes on the ripples in the water, the echo of the lake lapping up against the grounds sounding soothing and peaceful in contrast to the turmoil in her head. She thought her decision had been made and now Sirius was giving her the go-ahead to accept the program if she wanted to. Problem was, she had no idea what she wanted.
She wasn't surprised when she heard footsteps behind her. She continued to stare at the lake as she heard him nestle on the grass behind her. Finally she spoke. "If you think I should go, then I'll go," she said, her voice hoarse and wary. "And if you think I should stay, then I'll stay."
"You're putting the decision on me?" Sirius asked in a strained murmur.
"Yes," she conceded.
"I can't choose your future for you," he repeated, shaking his head.
"Well, I can't choose either," she whispered, trying to blink away the tears that were forming. She wiped them away and finally glanced over her shoulder towards Sirius, her eyes filled with solitude and confusion. "I don't know whether to listen to my heart or my head. So right now, I need you to be both for me."
He locked eyes with her, his heart fluttering at the utter uncertainty he saw staring back at him. She turned her gaze away quickly, fixating on the lake. She tried not to think about Australia or Sirius. She tried not to think about the DAR or the decision that needed to be made. Instead, she suddenly and unexpectedly thought back to the photos that were displayed in the locket around her neck. Photos of the two of them when they were only mere twelve-year-olds, young and unaware of the adversities that came with adulthood. Life had been so much easier back then.
She didn't know how long she had been staring intently at the lake when she heard Sirius' soft footsteps behind her. He had gotten up off the grass and wandered over to her, lightly resting his hand on her shoulder. She instinctively reached over and covered it comfortingly, smiling sullenly.
"I think you should go," he whispered, swallowing hard.
She froze, slowly removing her hand from his and returning it to her side limply. She had hoped that he would tell her to stay. She had hoped he wouldn't be able to be strong enough to let her go again. She had hoped that she wouldn't have had to make the decision because he'd make the right one for her.
The lake blurred in front of her as she felt the tears pouring from her eyes once again. She didn't bother responding. She didn't know how.
He embraced her from behind, kissing the nape of her neck. She stiffened. "Riley, you have to know that what I think you should do and what I want you to do are two completely different things," he whispered desperately. "But it's your head you should listen to, Riley. Don't let me stand in the way of you following your dreams."
She didn't fight the tears that slipped down her cheek this time. She folded her hands over his arms that were wrapped around her waist and rested the back of her head against his shoulder, not bothering to retort. They both stood on the edge of the lake, both speculating on what their future was going to bring them without the other in their life. It may have been an uncomfortable, discomfited circumstance for their being together, but in a strange and comforting way, neither was willing to break away from each other. They couldn't imagine being anywhere else.
Her eyes drifted up towards the few stars peeking through the clouds, choosing to focus on the splendor of the sky and not the dark thunderstorm on the horizon. The air was crisp, perfect for a cool June evening and there was a warm breeze in the air. She could hear the distant music from inside the Great Hall threatening to break through the stained glass windows.
"Riley, nothing can tear us apart forever," Sirius whispered, sweeping away the hair off of her face lovingly. "I won't let it."
"But what if this does?" It was a question both were wondering but neither had spoken out loud before.
Sirius stiffened. "It won't. Because I love you," he protested defensively, as if love fixed everything. He grasped her hand tightly, staring into her eyes with a helpless, lost sense in his own eyes. "And that's all that really matters right now."
If there was any a time to tell him that she loved him, too, it would have been that moment. But she was leaving in a week and she was afraid that her love might just cause him more pain at the reminder of her abandonment. Or maybe that was just yet another excuse she made up in her head in fear of admitting that maybe after all of her fighting, she had gone and fallen in love.
Instead, Riley swallowed hard and turned away from his gaze sullenly, resting her head against the side of his body. He reached his arm around her and pulled her in close to him. They stood there for few more silent seconds with Riley staring off into the distant sky and Sirius with his eyes shut as he took in a sniff of her perfume.
Inside the Great Hall, they both heard the faint fast-paced music fade into a slow beat. The noise in the Great Hall diminished greatly as the cheers and screams from the students singing along decreased. Sirius took a step back and outstretched his hand to Riley. "May I have this dance, Miss Riley Gilmore?"
Riley sniffled and smiled, placing her hand in his. "Always," she whispered, never letting her eyes off of his as she stepped into his arms.
They were the only ones that existed in that moment. Sirius and Riley swayed together to the slow beat of the song, fitting in each others' arms like a perfect puzzle. Their inevitable goodbye withered away as Riley placed her head on his shoulder comfortably. Sirius stared down at Riley with a mesmerized smile on his face, melting into the comfort and warmth of her body. It didn't feel like the last time they'd be together; it felt like they were meant to be together forever.
As the song came to an end, Riley placed her hand on his cheek and guided his eyes to hers. "Tell me not to go and I won't go," she whispered firmly and yet vulnerably.
He bit down on his lip and shuffled his feet. "I won't do that," he mumbled. "You deserve to live your life. I can't be the reason you stay."
"I want you to be the reason I stay." Her voice was barely audible.
"I know," he sighed, stepping back and letting her hands fall from his. "But I've had you since December, Riley. It's the world's turn."
"I don't want to belong to the world," she whispered, letting the tears slip down her face and on to her iridescent dress without wiping them away. She exhaled slowly, holding on to her stomach, letting herself catch her breath. She didn't care that her vulnerability was clearly shining through. "I don't want to belong to anyone but you." She couldn't understand why he was not only letting her go but pushing her to go. They had had a second and third chance to be with each other and he wanted to take that all away?
Sirius ran his finger across Riley's face and wiped away her tears. Riley's hand covered his and she melted into his touch, collapsing into his chest. He swallowed hard, the lump in his throat growing with every tear that fell down Riley's face. "You'll always belong to me," he whispered softly, his voice rough. He kissed the top of her hair, letting his lips linger on her silky strands of hair.
The ball was forgotten. The music and the laughter from inside faded into the background, as the two of them stood there embraced as if they were the only people on the planet, hearing nothing but the beating of their own hearts. From a distance, it wasn't anything peculiar or out of the ordinary, but at a closer distance, an onlooker would have seen the tears not only sliding down Riley's face, but also Sirius'. Riley and Sirius knew this was it; this was going to be their final goodbye.
"Please," Riley broke the silence, "just tell me not to go." She didn't know if she was testing him or if she really wanted to stay, but she wanted more than anything for him to lift her off the ground in a passionate kiss and tell her that he wouldn't let her walk out of his life. She wanted nothing more than to hear the resounding 'don't go.'
It didn't come. He didn't say a word. He had said everything he needed to say. There was only one thing left to do. He cupped her face and kissed her softly on the lips, letting all of their entwined sorrow, frustration, and regret merge into a simple and yet elegant kiss. It lasted barely a minute but it was filled with passion and everlasting adoration, leaving both their lips tingling, wanting more.
They both recognized it as a goodbye kiss.
Riley quickly pulled away. "I'm sorry," she whispered. Without another glance at him, she rushed past him.
As soon as the kiss began, she had ended it and Sirius was watching the girl he loved walk away from him. Maybe for good.
It was nearing the end of the night and Riley and Sirius were nowhere to be found. Lily dragged James off the dance floor over to where Peter and Kay were sitting and laughing with Alice and Fabian. "Have you seen Riley and Sirius lately?" she asked, her exasperation showing.
All of them shrugged and shook their heads. "Not recently," Kay replied on behalf of them all. "Why?"
Lily frowned. "No reason," she murmured solemnly.
She fell into an empty seat, James following close behind her, and stole a sip of Kay's punch. The conversation returned to them all mocking the horrible dancers but Lily tuned them out. She couldn't help but think back to the first time she had met Riley and Kay, both under different circumstances. Lily had met Riley initially on the train; she had been traipsing about with James and Sirius and had been the only one not to laugh at Lily when chocolate sauce oozed down her new clothes. Lily had despised her briefly just for being James' friend and wanted to cry when she found out that she was going to be her roommate, but that night they stayed up for hours just talking and Lily suddenly realized she had found her first friend at Hogwarts. And maybe because of the bond she created with Riley, she was hesitant to let anyone else in. She was friendly with Kay but it took a month until Lily felt comfortable letting her guard down with someone else. But the Three Musketeers was eventually created and had been inseparable for seven years, excluding the few arguments that inevitably broke out over the years. But even with the few rifts they've had, they had always known that their friendship would remain unbroken. Lily thought back to a particular June night during their fifth year, the night before they were going home for the summer. The three of them camped out in the Gryffindor common room (after an infamous Marauder party that Lily eventually broke up with the help of McGonagall) and stayed up until nearly four o'clock in the morning reminiscing on the past five years. They had all promised that no matter what happened in the future they would remain best friends forever. Lily just prayed that that pact could stay intact.
Lily was broken from her train of thought by James nudging her side. "What are you thinking?" he asked softly, sensing a look of solitude on her face.
She sighed. "I just wish Riley and Sirius were here, that's all."
"Why?" he asked curiously, squeezing her leg comfortingly.
"It's our last night here," she murmured. "It doesn't feel right not sharing it with them. Riley was the first friend I made here and Sirius was yours."
James grinned goofily, thinking back to the first time he had met Sirius on the platform as young eleven-year-olds. That was probably only one of two times that James had ever seen him look scared and apprehensive. The second was the day Sirius showed up at James' doorstep with his trunk in hand after his parents had kicked him out of the house.
James draped his arm over Lily, letting his eyes search the room. While he couldn't have been happier spending that moment with his girlfriend, he had spent that day on the train mostly with Sirius and Riley and he should have been spending one of his last nights with them as well. "I wonder where they ran off to," James murmured.
"Sirius and Riley?" Remus' voice drawled as he came up behind them. "They were out in the courtyard before. But last I saw, Riley was rushing through the entrance back towards the Gryffindor Tower."
Lily scowled. "Can't those two wait until later to get it on?"
James laughed but Remus shook his head. "Sirius wasn't with her."
"Well, then where'd he go?" Lily asked, frustrated.
"I don't know," Remus admitted. "Still outside?"
"It's raining."
"I'm just venturing a guess," he murmured. "I have no clue what the hell those two are up-" He stopped short, his conversation that morning with Sirius suddenly flashing through his mind. Could that really have been that morning? After everything that had happened that day it seems unreal that he was talking to Sirius about Riley's future barely twelve hours earlier. He suddenly felt guilty for pushing Sirius' predicament so far from his mind. He wondered if Sirius had already talked to Riley or if he was ever going to talk to Riley about it. It certainly would explain Riley fleeing to her room without so much as a sign of Sirius behind her.
"What?" Lily asked when she saw his gaze fade to wonder and awe.
Remus tried shrugging it off. He wasn't going to jump to conclusions. "Nothing."
James narrowed his eyes, noting the shifty expression on his friend's face, but Lily's words interrupted his curiosity. "I'll be damned if we don't get to spend our last night here with all of our friends. If they don't want to join us here, then we'll just have to join them wherever they are," Lily said determinedly.
She glanced over at Kay and Peter, who had stopped their conversation with Fabian and Alice and were now gazing over their shoulders at Lily curiously. "You coming?" Lily asked them.
Kay and Peter shrugged. "Sure," they said in unison, slowly getting up from their chairs. They didn't particularly care where the spent the evening but the look of determination and desperation on Lily's face told them that she cared. So they were willing to do it for her.
"What if they just want to be alone?" Remus suggested.
Lily froze, pursing her lips. She glanced over at him and saw a flicker of desperation hiding behind his hazel eyes. The same desperation she was feeling. And she wondered briefly if he could possibly know what she knew. Because ever since Riley had mentioned to her that she might be going to Australia, Lily had been trying so hard to ignore the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.
Maybe she was being a bit hasty and controlling and maybe that night didn't have to be about them all. But knowing that they only had one more night to be young and impulsive before their worlds were going to change, Lily was determined to spend it with the few people she wanted to be young and impulsive with. She had no idea what Riley was going to do about her fellowship and she had no idea what Remus was going to do in the future or where he was going to go and she had no idea what was in store for her or James at the Ministry or what Kay was going to encounter at St. Mungo's or what to expect from Peter working at his father's pub. Uncertainty and unpredictability had become somewhat of a given but Lily was certain about one thing. When the clock struck midnight, bringing in the day that would tear them from Hogwarts forever and throw them into that unpredictable world, Lily wanted all of her friends right by her side.
"They can be alone tomorrow," Lily murmured. "Tonight belongs to us."
"How poetic," said Kay. She started to laugh but quickly stopped when she saw the determined look of pure irritation on her friend's face. "Er...I mean, let's go."
"Should we be leaving the Great Hall?" James asked curiously, glancing back towards the table of professors in the corner. "Being Head Boy and Girl, I mean."
Lily hesitated, following James' gaze to where Dumbledore was seated with McGonagall and Slughorn. It was very unlike her to blow off her Head duties, but she felt compelled to go seek out Riley and Sirius. "I think he'd understand," she said softly.
James nodded curtly. "I think he would, too," he replied, reaching for her hand as Lily headed towards the exit, her friends all on her heels.
Lily and Kay poured into their dorm room while the three guys summoned brooms, needing them to access the girl's dormitory. But this gave Lily plenty of time to see what Riley was up to.
"Riley, I pray that you still have that gown on and you and Sirius aren't mid-hump!" Lily cried out, stalking across the room and over to Riley's bed, where her hangings had already been closed shut. Lily wrenched open the curtains and was surprised to see Riley on her own, curled up in a ball facing the wall. It was obvious to Lily that she had been crying.
Lily winced guiltily, taking a step back. "Riley?" she asked, her voice full of concern.
"What are you doing here?" she murmured barely above a whisper, her voice strained and hoarse. "Go back to the ball. You worked so hard on it."
"You're more important," she urged. She took a seat awkwardly at the end of her bed. "Riley, what's going on?"
Riley could only shake her head as the tears silently began to cascade down her cheeks.
Kay felt the beat of her heart start to speed up, knowing that something bad had clearly happened. Considering Sirius was nowhere to be found, she could only assume it included him. She couldn't explain it, but Kay suddenly felt rage grow from within. Sirius and Riley had already been through so much together and if Riley had once again screwed it up for some inexplicable reason and crushed Sirius' heart for a third time, Kay didn't know if she could watch Sirius go through that again. So Kay chose to keep her mouth shut.
"It's nothing," Riley finally murmured. "Seriously, go back to the ball. Have fun tonight. You deserve it."
"And you don't?" replied Lily.
Riley shut her eyes tightly, refusing to respond. Thankfully, she didn't have to as the three guys came suddenly barreling through the door. They knew immediately that something was wrong. While Riley's back was turned to them, they could see her shaking as she silently sobbed and Sirius was nowhere to be found. There was a forced complacent look on Kay's face but her jaw was tight as if she was clenching down on her teeth with irritation. James glanced over to where Lily was sitting. She met his gaze and his heart skipped a beat, sensing a disturbance in her eyes.
"What's going on?" Peter dared to ask. "Where's Sirius?"
Riley felt her body stiffen at the mention of his name. She slowly gazed over her shoulder, not sure how she felt about the presence of the guys. "What the hell is this? An ambush?" she murmured. It was her attempt to snap at all of them but it only came out as a mere whimper.
"It's our last night here," said James defensively. "We wanted to spend it among friends."
She frowned. "Sentimentality is overrated," Riley muttered, rolling back over to face the wall.
James furrowed his brow, confused, and exchanged looks with Kay and Peter. Lily and Remus, on the other hand, were fixated on Riley, having a good idea of what caused Riley to feel so downtrodden.
"You're going to Australia, aren't you," Lily blurted out.
Riley froze, her whole body stiffening at the reminder of her predetermined future. She only gave a curt nod, but Lily noticed it.
"Australia?" James blurted out, his eyes narrowing with confusion as he glanced over at his girlfriend. "Why is she going to Australia?" Lily lowered her gaze from his and he turned to Riley's back. "Why are you going to Australia?"
"He told me to go," she murmured.
"Who told you to go?" James responded immediately, his gaze moving frantically between Riley and Lily. "Who told her to go?"
The room fell silent, Riley filled with too much sorrow to explain and Lily too speechless to comment. They were all surprised when Remus opened his mouth. "Sirius," he murmured. "Sirius thinks she should go."
"What are you talking about?" James cried out, his voice rising with obvious frustration as he narrowed his eyes in Riley's direction. "What is he talking about?"
Riley slowly sat upright, turning her head in Remus' direction, her face void of any feeling. "How'd you know that?"
Remus disregarded the question. "Where is he now?"
"Last I saw, he was still down at the lake."
"It's raining."
"Why the hell do you all keep focusing on the rain?" snapped James.
Because I can't focus on the fact that I was the one who ultimately sent Riley off to Australia, Remus sadly thought. "I'm going to see if I can find him," Remus murmured, desperately hoping he could somehow fix it.
"STOP!"
Remus froze, turning to face James, who was now blocking the door.
"No one leaves until someone tells me what the hell is going on!" he cried out, his eyes blazing with anger.
No one spoke up as Riley, Lily, and Remus found a sudden interest on a small stain on the carpet.
Kay eventually shrugged, plopping on to her bed with a grunt. "Well, if it helps, I'm completely clueless as well."
"Me, too," Peter chimed in.
James peeked at them out of the corner of his eye, a frown forming on his face. He wasn't sure if that made him feel better or worse. On the one hand, he wasn't the only one in the dark. On the other hand, Riley and Sirius were two of his oldest friends who had apparently made sure he was one of the last people to know about Riley's move. He shouldn't have been surprised; he was the last person to find out about their trip to New York.
James just prayed that for whatever reason Riley was leaving for Australia, it was merely a weeklong vacation and she'd be back shortly. Based off the looks on Riley, Lily, and Remus' faces, James had a feeling his prayer wouldn't be answered. "No, that doesn't really help," he muttered.
Riley's eyes filled with tears when she saw the nervous look on James' face. She slumped back down on her bed, shutting her eyes tightly. This wasn't exactly the way she had wanted her best friend to find out she was leaving for a year.
"Riley?" James whispered hoarsely.
She sighed, swallowing hard. "I'm moving to Australia," she muttered. "In a week."
"A week?" he exclaimed.
"For a year."
James felt his heart stop. "A year?"
Riley rubbed her temples and dove into the story, explaining about the DAR and her original decision to stay but Sirius' eventual wish for her to take the job. As she spoke, she saw the confusion in James' eyes fade into sadness and eventually futility. When she finally finished, she was surprised to a see a hint of coldness in his eyes.
James remained mute while Kay and Peter exchanged a shocked, confused glance with each other. There was an eerie silence in the air that was finally interrupted by James clearing his throat. "So you're moving away," he murmured, his voice cold and distant.
Riley nodded guiltily.
James shrugged indifferently. "Well, have a good time." His smile was strained as he turned around and headed for the door.
"'Have a good time?'" Riley repeated dryly.
He glanced over his shoulder, disappointment and frustration showing on his face. "You've already made your decision and you clearly don't want my opinion on the matter, so yeah, Riley, have a good time."
Riley frowned. "That's all you have to say?" she murmured.
He whirled around, crossing his arms bitterly. "What the hell do you want me to say, Riley?" he grunted. "Do you want me to say that I think you're making a mistake? Do you want me to say that I think you're going to lose him if you go? Do you want me to say that I think you're a coward, hiding behind Sirius' requests and not sticking to your own guns? Do you want me to say that I think you're in love with Sirius and that scares the crap out of you which is why you're considering going? Do you want me to say that I think you're going to regret this decision for the rest of your life?"
Riley was taken aback by his flurry of words and she wasn't the only one. His six friends were all staring at him with a mixture of shock and regret. "James, I-" Riley started.
"But like I said," he interrupted, shaking his head because he had no desire to listen to her try and defend herself. "You have a good time." He glared at her and shot an equally angry look in Lily's direction before ripping open the door and storming out without another word.
"I'll talk to him," Lily said apologetically, slowly climbing off the bed. She didn't think he was acting fair to Riley who was going through a rough time. Plus, she wasn't sure why James had directed a glare her way before stalking out, but she was determined to find out.
"Wait," Riley pleaded before Lily reached the door.
Lily paused, glancing back towards her friend.
There was a hollowness in Riley's eyes that scared Lily. "Do you think it's a mistake for me to go?" she asked.
Lily didn't respond immediately, repeating the question in her head. She eventually pursed her lips and shook her head curtly. "You going to Australia for a job isn't a mistake, no," she murmured, swallowing hard.
Riley sighed. "But?" she urged, sensing the hesitance in Lily' voice.
Lily met Riley's gaze and frowned. "Having Sirius make the decision for you is the mistake."
Riley's heart sank. "I couldn't choose."
"You could have," Lily argued. "You just didn't want to."
Riley was surprised to see a bit of resentment in her best friend's eyes. "You don't get it," she said, crossing her arms defensively. "You don't know what it's like, Lily. James was the one who had to make the choice between staying and going, not you. You've only ever been on the other side of this. And you're lucky that's the side you were on."
"And James was the one who made the ultimate decision, not me!" Lily defended. "Do you think Sirius liked having to make that decision, Riley? Do you think he wanted to tell you to go? Believe me, he didn't."
"I never said he did," Riley said dryly.
Lily shrugged her comment off. "I think James was right. You're too cowardly to face the decision alone so you forced it on Sirius," she murmured.
Riley was getting increasingly angry. Who cares why the decision was made or who made the decision? In the end, she was going to Australia for a year. "You think I'm a coward for...for what? For finding it nearly impossible to choose between a relationship and a career? Gee, sorry you don't know what that could possibly feel like."
Lily narrowed her eyes. "Don't patronize me," she growled. "This isn't about me and it's not about Sirius. It's about you. You're too scared to make the decision yourself, Riley, just face it."
"Face what?" she snorted.
Lily's eyes blazed with frustration. "If you're the one who makes the decision to go and somewhere down the line lost Sirius because of it, you would have blamed yourself for years to come for giving up on the only healthy relationship you ever had. But if you make the decision to stay, you would be so scared to be with the man that you ultimately love by sacrificing a dream job, that you're afraid you would inevitably screw it up anyway! And even if you don't screw it up and the relationship goes awry on its own, you'll hate yourself for not taking the job that could have catapulted your career! "
As Lily continued to seethe, all shocked eyes were on her.
"So either way, you'd have no one to blame but yourself!" Lily continued, glaring at her best friend. "Instead, you'd rather blame Sirius!"
"Why are you getting so angry?" Riley cried out.
"Because dammit, Riley, I'm not ready for you to leave!" she shouted, her look softening.
Riley's mouth hung open in surprise, feeling guilty for not even considering her friends' feelings. "Lily, I-"
"I'm not ready for everything to change," she said softly, avoiding eye contact with her friends by attempting to peel off the pink nail polish on her fingernails. She slowly stumbled back over to Riley's bed with a defeated sigh. "I thought I'd at least have the summer to get used to the idea of us not being together all the time."
Riley slowly climbed underneath her bedspread and over to where Lily was perched on the edge of her bed. "Not everything has to change," said Riley slowly. "Just because I might be moving to Australia for a year doesn't mean you're not going to still be my best friend."
"I know," Lily argued. "It's not that. It's just..."
"Just what?"
She sighed, offering her friend a lopsided smile. "I'm really going to miss you."
"I'm going to miss you, too," Riley responded immediately, resting her head against her best friend's shoulder. There was a somber heaviness in her tone that Lily had a feeling Riley's sentiments were only half directed her way.
"I think we have to start thinking about this differently," Remus finally chimed in, slowly seating himself in Riley's desk chair. "Instead of reminiscing on the past and worrying that we won't all get to be together like we have these past seven years, perhaps it's time to embrace change. Perhaps it's time to realize that not being around each other 24/7 is a blessing in disguise. That our reunions will be that much more special."
A hint of a smile crept on to Peter's lips. "How very debonair of you."
Remus rolled his eyes. "We're only eighteen. We're still in our prime. We still have the best years ahead of us. Perhaps we should be focusing on that."
"Well, sure when you say it like that," Kay teased.
Remus scowled. "I am simply trying to put a positive spin on the future. Which is somewhat ironic coming from me considering my future is basically nonexistent."
"Maybe, but just think about this: you're only eighteen! You're still in your prime! You still have the best-" The rest of Kay's words were drowned out by the boisterous laughter that suddenly filled the room and the pillow that Remus had grabbed from Justine's bed and chucked at her.
Riley felt the tears brim in her eyelids. Originally, it was from laughing so hard. But as her laughter subsided, she realized the tears were still forming. "I'm going to miss this," she whispered, running her knuckle underneath her eye to keep the tears from falling.
"Believe me, we'll keep you updated on how we poke fun at Remus," Kay chimed in immediately.
Remus scowled. "We most certainly will not!"
"Sheesh, if the girl wants to know how we make fun of you and she's 15,000 miles away, it's the least we could do!"
Remus rolled his eyes. "Not exactly what I was referring to."
"And not exactly what I was referring to either," said Riley, drawing her knees up to her body, hugging them to her chest as she rested her chin on top of them. A few tears escaped and slid down her cheeks. "You guys are the best friends a girl could ask for."
Lily wrapped her arms around her friend tightly. "Riley," she said slowly. "If you're so distraught about going, then..." she trailed off, not sure if she should be asking the inevitable question. While Lily did think that the DAR fellowship would be perfect for Riley, she also knew that staying with Sirius would probably be perfect also.
Riley sighed, noticing that Kay, Peter, and Remus were looking at her just as eagerly as Lily was. She didn't know how to respond. Because the truth was while she had told Sirius to make the decision for her, she knew that she still could change her mind. She could send a letter to the DAR turning their offer down and stay with Sirius. And maybe that's what he really wanted her to do. But she knew that she wouldn't do it. She knew that until he gave her the word, she would listen to what he told her to do. She was too afraid of the rejection and pain that often came with relationships. She couldn't put herself out there; she couldn't let her guard down. Even with Sirius, she had always kept her defenses up. And if he really thought she should go, then she would go. But she didn't want to tell her friends it was all because of Sirius. It would make her seem too dependent and needy and she would never be willing to portray herself in that light.
For a few minutes there, she had made a fairly successful attempt at pushing Sirius to the back of her mind. "I have to go," is what she eventually said, a lump forming in her throat.
She didn't have to admit she was going because Sirius told her to go. All four of her friends were thinking it.
Lily cringed, recognizing that she just brought the mood way down. She thought that might be a good time to make her exit. "I know," Lily murmured. She patted Riley on the knee and slowly stood up from the bed. "I think I should go find James."
Riley simply nodded. She wasn't so sure she wanted to know what was going through James' head.
Lily hesitated briefly before hugging her friend again. Not necessarily for Lily but because it looked like Riley needed a hug.
As Lily walked out, Remus was torn between staying with Riley, wondering if she wanted to be surrounded by friends, and going to find Sirius to talk to him about the whole situation. Thankfully, Riley chose for him.
"Guys, if you don't mind, I'd like to be alone," she pleaded, crawling back towards her headboard.
Kay, Remus, and Peter exchanged hesitant looks, not sure if that's what s he really wanted or just what she thought she wanted.
"I'm fine, guys," Riley said, noting the looks of concern on her friends' faces. "I just don't really want to be around anyone right now. I'm sorry."
Remus nodded, sensing her sincerity. "You know where to find us if you're in the need for company."
Riley smiled. Jillian taking him back was the smartest thing she ever could have done. "Thanks."
The three of them departed from the room as Riley threw her quilt over herself, praying that sleep would come so she could forget about everything else.
Lily knocked lightly on James' door, but when she didn't hear a response, she slowly opened it. James was lying on his bed facing the other direction with a quill and his graduation speech in front of him. Lily had a feeling he hadn't really been editing it.
He didn't stir as she made her way over to his bed. "James?"
He didn't respond.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
"I didn't realize you cared." His tone was rough, bitterness spewing from his words.
Lily blinked. "Excuse me?"
He simply shook his head, his eyes still focused on the parchment in front of him.
Lily suddenly felt very uncomfortable. He was clearly frustrated with her and she had no idea what she had done to deserve that. "Why wouldn't I care, James?" she asked cautiously.
He threw the newspaper on to the floor and whirled around to glare at her. "When were you going to tell me that Riley was moving to Australia?"
Lily grimaced. "James," she said softly, dropping her eyes from his guiltily. "I just didn't-"
"Were you ever going to tell me?" he interrupted with a scowl, sensing her discomfort.
She fell silent, swallowing hard. "Honestly?" she eventually said. "No, I wasn't going to tell you."
There was a flicker of surprise on his face.
"Because it wasn't my news to tell," she repeated with a sullen shrug. "When she had talked to me yesterday, she didn't know what she was planning on doing. She hadn't made a decision yet. Was I supposed to freak you out when it could have been nothing?"
"Yes!" James responded immediately. "Word to the wise: when a friend is potentially moving, you let me know."
Lily shook her head slowly. "So you can try and stop her?"
James froze. "What?"
Lily shrugged awkwardly. "I didn't tell you about Riley because I knew you'd try and stop her."
James grunted. "And is that such a bad thing?"
"Depends what your reason for trying to stop her is."
He narrowed his eyes. "Does it matter?"
"Yes, James, it does," Lily retaliated immediately. "Because if you think she should stay for Sirius then a part of me agrees with you. But if you want her to stay for you, that's just a bit selfish, don't you think?"
He pursed his lips. "You don't get it," he whispered.
"Try me."
Slowly, he shook his head. "She's been my best friend for eighteen years. I'm entitled to a little bit of selfishness."
"It's her life to live, not yours."
His eyes glazed over with frustration. "You don't get it, Lily," he snapped, clenching his fists. "You don't get what it's like to feel willingly abandoned. To feel cast aside. To feel like I mean nothing. My brother disappeared without so much as an explanation, and then my father turned his back on us. And now, maybe Riley? Three people I have spent my entire life with are choosing to give up on me and everything we were supposed to stand for. Do you know how that feels, Lily? To have so many people close to you leave you behind?"
Before she could open her mouth, he hastily added, "No, you don't. Your parents weren't given a choice when they died, Lily. You're lucky that they didn't choose to turn their backs on you."
Lily froze, her face frozen with twisted agony at the callous words he just spoke.
She tore her eyes away from his. "Yes, James. Lucky is the words word that comes to mind when I think about my parent's death," she spoke coolly.
James knew that he had probably taken a bit too far. There was no need to mention her parents, but his anger was clouding his judgment. "Sorry," he muttered.
"No, you're not," Lily snorted, sensing his insincerity.
"Why are you here?" he said demandingly, his teeth clenching in stubbornness. "There's no point trying to make me feel better or trying to convince me she should go. There's no point in you being here right now, Lily. I'm not in the mood to talk to you."
She glared at him, crossing her arms. Lily didn't pull her eyes away from him, knowing that the only way to counter his own stubbornness was with icy determination. She knew that James' anger was all just a cover for his overwhelming feeling of sorrow. "Didn't anyone ever tell you that not everything's about you? I don't care that you're not in the mood to talk to me and I don't care if you feel there's no point in me being here. You're clearly hurting and seeing as I love you for some reasons I can't seem to think of at the moment, I'm going to be here for you whether you like it not!"
James quirked a surprised eyebrow. He was torn between ignoring her by returning to his speech and telling her what was on his mind.
Lily recognized his inner debate, his eyes darting around the room and his lips pursed curiously. "Talk to me, James," she pleaded.
She saw James' anger subside and fade into helplessness, sensing the desperation in her voice. He was using his frustration with Riley against Lily and that wasn't fair to her. She was just trying to help.
"I've always managed to deal better with anger than grief," he whispered.
She nodded, offering him a lopsided smile full of sympathy. "I know."
He swallowed hard and tossed the quill and parchment to the side. He fell against the back of his headboard defeatedly, dropping his gaze from hers. "Riley's been my best friend since the day I was born, Lily," he muttered. "She's been through everything with me. She was there to hold my hand on our very first day of kindergarten when I nearly broke out into tears because I didn't want to go. She was there when my grandparents died, knowing that I didn't want her to say she was sorry. That all I wanted was a crying shoulder. She was there when my father landed himself in St. Mungo's after he nearly died from a battle with some Death Eaters. She never left my side for an entire week. Riley was there when I first got my letter to Hogwarts and we stayed up all night dreaming of the endless possibilities that a wizarding school would provide for us. She was there when I got into fights with my older brothers and needed someone to vent to. She was there when Wyatt left." His voice cracked as he knitted his eyebrows together in fear of breaking down. "She crawled into my bedroom that night and…and just lay there with me. She didn't say a word and I didn't, either. It was exactly what I needed. She always knew what I needed and what I wanted. She has always been there for me."
Lily fell silent. Her boyfriend looked lost. Broken, even. And she wanted to say something to help, but it was in that moment that she realized she had no idea what to say. That maybe she wasn't the one who James wanted in his bedroom at that moment. That maybe what he wanted and what he needed right then was Riley.
She glanced up at James and noticed the frantic panic in his eyes. A part of her, a small part of her, couldn't help but wonder if he had to choose between keeping her around or Riley around, if he'd choose Riley. She shook the idea from her head, not wanting to depress herself in lieu of James' own clear depression.
"You were also there the day she decided she wanted to be a journalist," Lily said softly.
James' heart skipped a beat. "Yeah. I was," he murmured sullenly. She had been nine-years-old and they were doing the crossword puzzle in the Daily Prophet. Her eyes had strayed to one of the articles and as she was reading it, she pointed out two typos and a grammatical error. She then convinced James that they should start their own neighborhood newspaper and they wrote a monthly edition from then until they left for Hogwarts. It was sometime in writing those monthly newspapers that Riley realized she wanted to be a journalist when she graduated Hogwarts.
James gazed up at Lily, frowning. "What am I going to do without her?" he whispered. "What am I going to do when the next tragedy pops up? And the way things have been going lately, I wouldn't be surprised if it happens soon."
Lily grimaced, suddenly feeling helpless herself. "I'll be here for you," she said softly.
James lifted his eyes to gaze into hers. He hesitated, his heart beating a mile a minute. "Will you?"
Lily was taken aback by the question. "What?"
He shook his head. "Nothing."
"No, it's something."
A chill ran down James' spine and he had to turn away from her scrutinizing gaze. He was so used to people leaving, it had almost become second nature to him. What would keep Lily around? Maybe it was better for the both of them if they went their separate ways. Maybe it was better for her. "What's keeping you around?" he muttered. "Everyone else leaves. Why shouldn't you?"
"Self-pity?" Lily snorted. "You're going to go with self-pity?"
James snapped his head up, surprised by her smirking tone.
"You're better than that," she argued, giving him a look.
He sighed, slumping down on the bed. Maybe he was sounding a tad pathetic and slightly whiny, but he wasn't ready to lose his best friend. Especially not in a week. He knew it had nothing to do with him, but he still felt disheartened.
Lily slowly meandered over to James' bed, crawling over to his side. They both sat there awkwardly before Lily finally reached over and grabbed his hand, interlocking her fingers with his. She brought his hand up to her lips and kissed the back of it, noting the brief flinch he offered in response. She glanced up at him and didn't speak until he finally turned his head to meet her gaze. "I'm not going anywhere," she whispered. "I know that I'm not Riley. I know that we've only been together for five months and you've known Riley for eighteen years. But I do know that I love you. And I hope that's enough for you."
James bit down on his bottom lip, feeling guilty for accusing her of potential abandonment. "It is," he whispered, wrapping his arm around her shoulder and drawing her close to him. He flashbacked to the night they spent out by the lake when she had practically begged him to stay in London with her and not take the Quidditch offer. "I shouldn't be pushing away the one person who actually fought to keep me around."
A smile tugged at the end of her mouth. "Self-pity again?"
James chuckled. "You're right. I'm being pathetic."
"Yes."
"I'm just…"
"You haven't been away from her for longer than a week in eighteen years?" Lily suggested. "And you're afraid that you might find out you need her more than you think you do?"
James fell silent. Maybe she was right. Maybe he was afraid of letting her go. "She should go to Australia."
Lily simply nodded. "I know."
"I just don't want her to go."
"I know." Lily draped her arm over his stomach with a sad smile.
He pulled her into him and kissed her forehead, brushing the tendrils out of her face with a soft sweep of his fingers. "I love you, Lily," he whispered.
"I know."
James snickered. "Not the answer I was looking for," he said, kissing the tip of her nose. "But considering I was a royal ass to you earlier, I'll let that slide."
Lily shrugged. "Was that your backwards way of apologizing?"
James offered her a smile before letting it fade. "I'm sorry."
Lily smiled, slowly climbing on top of him and letting her lips dance against his. "I know," she whispered. "And just for the record, I love you, too."
"I know." He grinned, kissing her. "I'm so lucky to have you in my life, Lily," he said softly, running his fingers slowly up her arm soothingly. "Thank you for dealing with all of my bullshit."
Lily furrowed her brow curiously. "What are you talking about?"
James shrugged awkwardly. "I haven't exactly been the best boyfriend to you these past five months. I pushed you away and nearly broke up with you after Brite died. I-I didn't even consider your feelings when I got that Quidditch offer and I lied to you about sending in my acceptance letter. And again, I nearly broke up with you because of it. And tonight, I was quick to blame you and insult you when really my irritation was directed at Riley. Why do you put up with me?"
Lily offered him a smile and cuddled up close to his body. "Because I love you. And I can't imagine my life without you," she whispered. "And because you put up with my bullshit."
"You don't have any bullshit," James argued softly.
Lily fell silent, frowning. She didn't respond immediately, her eyes fixated on the beige carpet of his room. "Yes, I do," she murmured. "I have a lot of baggage and you pushed your way through it all, making me realize that...that letting my guard down around you was the best thing for me. For us. You're the first guy I've ever loved, James." A weary smile crept on to her lips. "And I hope you'll be the last."
James brushed away the few hairs that had slowly fallen into her eyes, staring down at her in awe and adoration. "Thank you for letting me in," he whispered, kissing her forehead.
"Thank you for making it easy."
There was nothing left for James to do but kiss her.
Remus stopped momentarily right outside the iron door that led to the grounds. The rain was pouring down in sweeping gushes and Remus had to squint in order to barely make out a lone figure sitting by the lake. He pushed the door open and walked out into the rain. He picked up a small damp branch from the grass and transfigured it into an umbrella before slowly walking over to where Sirius was huddled.
He dropped down beside Sirius, who barely glanced his way. He offered Sirius the umbrella, who just shook his head. He barely even noticed the rain. Remus sighed. "How are you doing?" he asked lamely.
Sirius swallowed hard, tossing a pebble into the lake. "She told you?"
Remus nodded.
"I don't really want to talk about it," he murmured, a sudden overwhelming feeling of regret pouring through him.
"Sirius, don't do it," Remus pleaded eagerly.
Sirius' eyebrows shot up. "Don't do what?"
"I was an idiot," he explained quickly, his voice sounding hoarse and desperate. "I shouldn't have ever tried convincing you to let Riley go. If you love her, then keep her around. Don't let her go to Australia."
"No, you were right, Remus," Sirius responded immediately. "She deserves to take the fellowship. She deserves to be amazing and she deserves to follow her dreams. I-I can't hold her back."
"You can," Remus argued, shaking his head. "If you love her, I think you have a right to keep her by your side."
Sirius shook his head slowly but before he could respond, Remus chimed in.
"Love is fleeting, Sirius," Remus said pleadingly. "You need to hold on to it if you can."
Sirius swallowed the lump in his throat, shivering as a raindrop slid down his neck. He said nothing at first, thinking back to the last conversation he shared with Riley. One filled with remorse and pain and regret. One that broke his heart. But it had to be done.
"She's going, Moony," he muttered solemnly, his voice firm with determination. "She asked me to make the decision and I told her to go."
Remus glanced over at his friend. He looked jaded, his eyes swollen and his face pale. His hair was matted to his forehead and a permanent frown rested on his weary face. "If you had told her to stay, Sirius, there's a good chance she would have stayed."
"I know," Sirius murmured. "Which is why I didn't tell her."
Remus opened her mouth but said nothing. He felt as if he was to blame and he wasn't sure what to say to try and fix it. "Don't let her slip away, Sirius."
"I have to," he said, a lump forming in his throat. He tried clearing his throat which only made it worse. "She deserves this opportunity, Remus. I can't stand in her way. I can't be that guy. I can't ask her to stay just for me. What happens if we end up breaking up? She'd hate me for taking her dream away."
"What happens if you don't break up and you end up staying together forever?"
"That can still happen a year from now."
"You sure about that?"
Sirius turned towards Remus, whose eyebrows shot up beneath his hair. "What do you mean?"
"A year is a long time, Padfoot," said Remus softly. "You're both going to change. And you won't be together to witness those changes. What happens then? What happens if she returns in a year and you both find that you're not the same people you fell in love with?"
Sirius' heart raced, his face paling. "Then I guess it wasn't meant to be."
"I don't think you really mean that."
He sighed. "She deserves to go," he whispered.
Remus swallowed hard. "You don't have to let her go."
Sirius shook his head, an overwhelming desire to cry burdening him as he slowly turned to face Remus. "I do, Remus. She deserves this opportunity and I deserve…"
"Yeah?"
He frowned. "I deserve to let her be happy," he whispered.
"And what about you? What about your happiness?"
"Knowing she's happy is what will make me happy."
"But is that enough?"
"I've hurt her twice, Remus," said Sirius, his voice cracking. He took a few deep breaths, swallowing the lump in his throat. "If she stays and I hurt her again, I-I could never live with myself."
Remus shut his eyes, shaking his head guiltily. "Sirius…"
"I won't ask her to stay," he whispered, the words trembling. "I-I can't ask her to stay. Not for me."
A soft sigh escaped from Remus' lip and he slowly nodded, accepting and understanding Sirius' words. Remus stared at Sirius for a long time, unable to find the right words to comfort him. He opened his mouth a few times but nothing came out. He eventually turned his gaze on to the lake, finding a sense of stability with each raindrop that pinged the surface of the water.
Silence engulfed them, neither having anything to say. Sirius pulled his knees up to his chest, hugging them close. Saying goodbye was always hard, but after losing her twice already in the past, this time it was especially painful. This time he was letting her go. He knew that he had the ability to change his mind but he also knew that he couldn't do that. She had the chance to really go places and succeed in the journalism field and he couldn't let her aimlessly flit around with him. He had absolutely no idea what he wanted to do with his life and with his uncle's money, Sirius didn't need to figure it out anytime soon. But he wasn't going to drag Riley down with him. It wasn't fair to her.
The rain slowly let up into a light drizzle and Sirius gazed out over the lake towards the Forbidden Forest, his eyes meeting pure blackness. His heart tightened, sometimes wishing he could just take off into the black abyss and never look back. Life would certainly be easier that way.
Over the rain, Remus could hear the distant chimes of the music from within the Great Hall walls telling him that the graduation ball was still going strong. It was discouraging knowing that others could be having such a great time when it was clear that his friend was suffering.
He didn't know how much time had passed, but eventually the cold that came with the rain was causing him to shiver. "Can I ask you something?"
Sirius jumped slightly, almost forgetting that his friend was sitting by his side. He nodded curtly.
"If she's leaving in a week, then what the hell are you doing out here?"
Sirius' stomach tightened, his heart fluttering regretfully. "Because..." he said softly. "Because I don't know if I can spend the next six days with her knowing we have an expiration date. It's already difficult knowing I have to let her go. I don't need to be reminded of it every day."
Remus pursed his lips in disapproval, narrowing his eyes curiously.
"What?"
Remus shook his head. "I didn't say anything."
"I know you wanted to, though."
He sighed, shrugging. "Padfoot, take it from someone who knows that you can't take things for granted."
"What are you talking about?"
There was a long pause. "You can't take love for granted," Remus finally said. "Do you really want to spend Riley's last six days here without her? Do you really think that saying goodbye now is going to be any less painful than saying goodbye next Saturday? Do you really want to wait until she's gone for you to realize what you could have had with her?"
Sirius shut his eyes, remorse welling up inside of him. He had a feeling that Remus was speaking from experience. Remus had spent a lot of time without Jillian to dwell on what could have been and what could be. Except the difference was, Jillian realized what she was losing and claimed him back. Sirius didn't think Riley was planning on changing her mind anytime soon. At least not without a little help from him. "For now, I just want to sit here," said Sirius softly.
Remus glanced over at Sirius curiously. "It's freezing out here, Sirius, and you're soaking wet. Sitting out here isn't going to…" he trailed off.
"Change anything?" Sirius finished, frowning. "I know that, Moony. I just…I can't go back in there yet." He swallowed hard, glancing back towards the castle. "I'm not ready to go back in there yet."
Remus nodded, understanding his desire to remain rooted to the spot. Remus remembered propping himself up against the willow tree after his break-up with Jillian and sitting there for nearly three hours. Sirius didn't want to turn it into something real. He wasn't ready to enter a school that no longer had a reason for him to stay. And if anyone could understand that, Remus could.
Remus took off his raincoat and placed it over Sirius' shoulders. "Don't stay out here all night," he pleaded.
Sirius didn't respond. He'd eventually go back inside. But he wanted to be alone to reminisce and to think without anyone else influencing him. He needed time to himself. And he needed that time outside. He couldn't go back inside the castle. Not until he knew that he wouldn't cave and beg Riley to stay. Not until he knew that he had done the right thing. "I won't."
Remus shrugged. "Doesn't matter anyway. I'll be checking on you in a few hours."
Sirius glanced up at his friend. "No, you won't."
Remus frowned, nodding. Sirius was right. He wouldn't check up on him because he knew that Sirius would eventually come back inside when he felt the time was right, not because Remus could persuade him to.
Remus had nothing else to say so he turned and walked away.
A/N: Chapter 55 completed! While Riley and Sirius are being torn apart, Lily and James draw even closer to each other. What could possibly happen next! I guess you'll just have to stay tuned and find out. Please review!
