"Sid, we went around and around this in Hamilton. We went around and around this in Toronto. Now I'm here in Nova Scotia and I'm getting dizzy again."

Paula has always been insightful and frank, which I love about her, but today she has a hard edge that I've never experienced with her.

"What do you mean Paula?"

"Since we've identified the many layers of guilt you've been feeling and where they come from, have you seen any change in how you feel or how you're behaving?"

"I haven't had a panic attack in while."

"That's good, what else?"

"What do you mean what else?" I ask her.

"And we head around another curve."

"What do you want from me?" I know I sound exasperated but that's how I'm feeling.

"You're paying me Sid. I'm not looking for anything."

This is definitely a different conversation than we've ever had before. I know I don't like it.

"What the fuck Paula? I don't get it. You seem pissed and I don't know why."

She stares at me now with that steady, patient and penetrating stare. It's the one that tells me I'm not getting anything from her. She's waiting for me to figure it out.

"Paula, say what you're thinking."

"Sid, why did you call me to meet you in Hamilton?"

"Because I needed to talk to you."

"What was the impetus for the call? What happened that made you call at that minute and that day?"

"I just told you, I needed to talk to you."

"We have been talking, for weeks."

"So, why are you still asking why I called you?"

"We could simply talk on the phone or you have family and friends that you can talk with; why me."

"You're the shrink. Why do you ask 'why you'?"

"We haven't met since before the playoffs. Why now?"

"Because I needed to talk to you."

"I'm getting dizzy again. We really haven't talked about much. I have a lot of patients Sid who need me a lot more than it seems that you do. If all you're going to do is talk about your game and ask me for parenting advice, I can recommend someone else or a good book. Why am I here?"

Now I really don't know what to say. Mac is her friend. Paula is my therapist. It's not that I don't trust Paula, we wouldn't be talking if I didn't, but isn't it a hard position for her to be in?

Do I lay everything out, tell her everything and then go from there? If I really want to fix things then I probably need to do just that.

"Ok Paula, you want to know?" She nods. "Ok, here it all is."

For the next thirty minutes I tell her everything that's happened since I met Mac. How we became friends first. Then the sex and my delusion that we were only friends with benefits. It's hard to tell her about that night in Mac's hotel that I will always regret. I also stumble when I talk about Sochi and hearing Mac say that she loves me. I can't seem to stop now. Everything comes pouring out of me, everything, no matter how embarrassing or how much I don't want to say it. I even talk about our 'experimenting' and know that I'm turning red. Finally, I can't even look at Paula when I tell her about the argument Mac and I had the last time we talked. When I've finally purged everything, I can only stare down at my hands silently.

"Do you feel better getting that out finally?" Paula asks.

I look up at her and those kind, trusting eyes are back.

I have to chuckle. "Not really."

"You will" she replies. "Now that I know everything, we can really talk."

"Ok."

"You've talked a lot about Cat and now Mac. Let's go back a little further. Before you went to Shattucks prep school, what was your life like?"

"Hockey, school, more hockey. I played some baseball too."

"You had friends; some of whom are still friends now."

"Yeah."

"What about girls?"

"What about them?"

"You dated?"

"Yeah."

"Anyone seriously?"

I think about it, the time before Shattucks and there were girls but no one I really remember as a girlfriend.

"No, not really."

"How about at Shattucks? You were there for a year, right?"

"Yeah, it was great year. I got to focus on hockey and school without all of the issues and shit that happened when I played at home."

"When did you lose your virginity?"

The question surprises me so I pause before answering.

"It was when I was at Shattucks, I was fifteen."

"You were there a year, right? Was she your girlfriend?"

I shrug. "I guess. We were together for a few weeks but then hockey heated up with practices and games. Then we went into exams. There wasn't much time for anything else."

"Then you went to play in Quebec?"

"Yeah."

"Any girlfriends there?"

"I dated I guess but nothing serious. There was too much to do since I still had school work and practicing. The travel was brutal too."

"You were at home here in the summers, right? How about girlfriends then?"

"Yeah, I guess. But there was always finishing the school year and the training for the next season. Summers were hardly slow."

"Ok, how about when you moved to Pittsburgh? I understand there was a lot of attention."

"Yeah. I lived with the Lemieuxs for a few years."

"No girlfriends?"

"There were girls. I wasn't a monk or anything."

Paula chuckles.

"Are you seeing a pattern emerging Sid?"

"No" I really don't get it.

"Think about it Sid. How would you describe your dating history?"

"Over the years there have been girls but I guess not like other guys who have girlfriends for years. It's kind of hard to do that when you are always practicing and training."

"Ok."

"It's not like there is a lot of time for relationships."

"How long were you home in the summers?"

"Usually three or four months."

"You were still friends with kids you went to school with before you left for Shattucks, right?"

"Yeah."

"So, was there time to date?"

"I guess."

"So why didn't you? In every way, your parents made your childhood as normal as possible. You had chores, schoolwork was more important than hockey, you had lots of friends. So why weren't there girlfriends?"

"I had girlfriends."

"How would you define a girlfriend?"

"Someone you date regularly and for a while."

"Ok, so besides Cat, who were your girlfriends?" I'm still confused so Paula continues. "Think about it this way, who have you had a relationship with for more than six months? Six months is long enough that the first lust and excitement moves into something deeper and that's when it becomes a relationship. So, besides Cat, who were your girlfriends?" "

That's a surprising question; although, the answer is even more surprising.

"No one."

"The girls you've dated, it's been during the off season usually?"

"Yeah."

"Since you've become an adult, gone pro, it's exclusively been during the off season, right?"

"Except for Cat, yeah."

"Let's go back to my original question Sid. Are you seeing a pattern emerging?"

"If we use your definition, I guess I've never had a relationship."

"What has the dating been like?"

"What do you mean?"

"What did you do together?"

I hate that I'm blushing at her question.

"There was sex of course Sid, but what else."

I think back and it's hard to remember.

"I guess if we were in Nova Scotia then so there was lots of outdoor stuff to do. I always had a lot of training or practicing so she would usually come with me."

"And watch?"

"Yeah."

"But not participate?"

"No."

"Your time together usually had to fit around your schedule, right?"

"Yeah." I don't like the picture she's painting.

"And the dating usually ended in August after your birthday, right? You had to go train in Denver and then training camp."

"Yeah."

"Tell me about the pattern you're seeing."

"How I date, what we do, when we do it complete revolves around my schedule."

"Just your schedule?"

She's forcing me to say the one thing I never thought I would say about myself.

"Everything revolved around me" I tell her.

"Yeah, it did."

I want to desperately ask a question that I don't want flowing through my head never mind out my lips. Fuck.

"Does that make me selfish Paula? Self-centred?"

"I can't answer that for you Sid. I can say that selfish and self-centred are two different things. A selfish person is unwilling to share anything with anyone. A self-centred person is someone who focuses so much on themselves that they don't consider others."

"I'm not unwilling but it seems like I do focus exclusively on myself."

"I wouldn't say exclusively Sid; mostly, often, but not exclusively. And definitely not since you became a father."

I think of Lizzy and have to smile. She sure has changed my focus. Everything I do is for her.

"Let's go back to relationships with women" Paula says. "Is it correct to summarize these relationships as friends with sex? There's no real emotional connection that last longer than a summer?"

Fuck. "Yeah."

"Not even with Cat did you make it past six months."

"No."

"So now let's talk about Mac."


"I completely and totally needed this" Reagan says.

Terra, Reagan and I are lying out on the beach baking in the summer sun.

When I got home from Nova Scotia, I didn't even tell the girls that I was home for three days. I needed to wallow and try to heal. I definitely wallowed but there was no healing. When Terra sent me a text threatening to fly to Nova Scotia if I didn't answer my phone, I knew that I had to let them know that I was home.

They both descended on me, packed me up and we drove to Reagan's family cottage. We've been here for three days now and the girls are done giving me space, I can tell, and there's going to be a long conversation coming.

"Yeah, this sun is gorgeous. How did you get the cottage for the whole week Reag?" Terra asks.

"I told my parents that they owed me since I painted their whole first floor for them."

"Didn't your sister help you too?"

"Yeah, but she didn't ask for the cottage and I did."

"I'm hungry" Terra announces.

She is always hungry. Thankfully her job as a personal trainer let's her keep the pounds off.

"I could eat" I reply.

Reagan sighs. She could stay in the sun the entire day and bake. Leaving the beach while the sun is still out is blaspheme to her but she gives in. If she didn't, Terra would talk about food until she got her way. She is annoying when hungry.

We quickly gather our things, walk up to the house where we each change and meet back in the kitchen. The chicken has been marinating since lunch and Terra takes it out to BBQ. I clean up some Portobello mushrooms to grill too while Reagan makes a salad and sets the table. It may be gorgeous outside but the bugs are huge and we prefer to sit inside to eat.

There are a few bottles of wine chilling too which definitely says that we're having a talk tonight.

It doesn't take long for the topic of Sid to come up. After we eat dinner, we settle onto the comfy couches in the solarium and the conversation begins.

"It's time Mac. What happened?" Terra asks.

Reagan would have broached the subject a little softer, gentler, but she still would have been direct.

"It never really began, but whatever it was, it's over." I tell them.

"We know that sweetie. Tell us, what happened."

"It was great. Incredible actually. I stayed in my own room but Sid and I managed some time alone together. The best part was when we did things with Lizzy. I didn't delude myself into thinking that we were a family but it felt that way. I'm really glad that I was there to help Sid and Lizzy through the anniversary of Cat's death. I don't think Sid knew what to do or how to get through it. And Lizzy, what a beautiful, happy little girl. She is so loving and sweet."

"Are you easing into this Mac?" Reagan asks.

"Yeah, maybe."

"Ok" she replies and they both let me catch my breath.

"Lizzy had been begging for a sleepover at a friend's house so Sid arranged it and we had the night to ourselves. It was so funny at first. Sid burnt dinner, badly, so that nothing was salvageable. He was embarrassed of course because he was trying to make a really romantic evening. We ordered in instead.

We started with a bath together. You've seen him sweaty but that is nothing compared to seeing him wet and naked. The man would turn on a dead woman with that body. We made love in the tub, getting water everywhere of course. Sid asked me if I had a fantasy, sexual fantasy. The things that I've done with this man have already overshadowed all of the experiences I've had before and now he wanted to know if there was anything else."

I pause again and take a sip of wine.

"You have to tell us" Terra says.

"Fine. I told him that I wanted to be tied up and blindfolded."

"Oh my" from Reagan.

"Good for you" Terra says.

I don't want to go into any more detail. Just thinking back on it brings a tingle between my legs and a knife to the heart for what happened afterward.

"So, we did and I'm not telling you anymore about it Ter so don't ask."

I think Terra is about to object but she stops after a look from Reagan.

"Anyway, I'm in his arms and about to cum when Sid says 'tell me now'. I had no idea what he meant and I was so cloudy with my orgasm but he says 'tell me now that you love me'."

The girls are silent. You can feel the silence in the room weighing heavily over all of us. Terra is even silent. Reagan tops up all of our glasses and we each drain them. Once topped up again, I tell them the rest.

"He heard me tell him that I love him when we were in Sochi. I thought he was asleep so I said it. I just wanted to hear it out loud and really couldn't keep it in my heart anymore. I couldn't tell him so that he could hear it. He wasn't ready for love. It seems that he still isn't."

"He's known since fucking Sochi? Are you fucking kidding me?!" Terra's voice rises with each word both in volume and pitch.

"Yeah" I reply.

"Oh sweetie" this from Reagan.

"Then he had the nerve to try and turn it on me. Why didn't I tell him? I was being dishonest to him. I know what he's been through. Blah blah fucking blah!"

I know the wine has kicked in because I have a head of steam and can't stop. I down the rest of my glass before continuing.

"He's known how I feel for months, months, and never said anything. Even if he'd said that he isn't ready, it would have hurt but it wouldn't have been so deceitful. The things I did with that man, that I let him do to me, and all the things I've done to care for him and Lizzy. I've done everything I can to help and support him. Everything I've done has focused on his health and happiness. How could he treat me like this? What's wrong with me that he can't love me?"

On those last few words I completely break down. I can feel that Terra and Reagan have moved beside me on the sofa so that we are all in one hug. How can I have any more tears left for this man? Shouldn't I be cried out by now?

"Oh sweetie" Reagan says as she strokes my hair.

"I will kill him for this" this is from Terra.

"Ter, shut it" Reagan tells her.

I mop up my face with the tissues Terra hands me and then I sit back on the sofa.

"Fill me up" I tell Reagan.

Reagan looks at Terra.

Terra says "don't you think she deserves to get drunk?"

Reagan gives a sigh and fills up all of our glasses.

When we each have our drinks and are sitting back in our places, Terra asks "so what did you say to him?"

"Exactly what you think. It got ugly fast. In the end, Sid simply said that he didn't know what to say or do. I went back to my room and showered. After that, I knew that I couldn't stay so I packed up and left."

"Did you leave a note?" Reagan asks.

"Yeah, I left Sid a note but I made sure that I said goodbye to Lizzy. I was scared that she would think I'd abandoned her. I had to wake up Sid's friends but I made up a family emergency and they understood my wanting to tell Lizzy myself and not just leave."

"Have you been in contact with Sid at all?" Terra asks.

"He sent me a text the next day asking if I got home ok. It's probably petty and immature but I ignored it." I tell her.

"I say he deserves worse" this comes from Reagan and Terra and I look at her surprised. "Look Mac, I may not think he should be tarred and feathered like Terra does .."

Terra cuts her off "I don't think he should be tarred and feathered. I want to cut off his nads with a rusty knife."

"Anyway" Reagan continues "but he has taken advantage of you Mac. Every step of the way, regardless of how you define whatever it is you guys have, Sid has thought only of himself. You deserve better. You are an incredible woman who deserves someone who loves you and focuses on you. I don't say this to hurt you but you became a doormat for that man."

I want to argue. I want to fight back and disagree. I can't. She's right. Who am I? Who have I become?