Java Jive
"Ensete! Barley! Lentils!" Mirutse's strong voice mixed with those of his fellow vendors. Sounds of the town's bustling marketplace permeated the air while blending with the rich smells of cinnamon, cumin, korarima and ginger. Laughter and curses from haggling vendors and customers were accompanied by the tantalizing aromas of strong onions sautéed in butter, thick lamb stews and freshly baked injera.
"Nug seeds! Broad beans! Garlic!" Mirutse smiled as a woman bought a small handful of cloves. It had already been a better than average morning and he still had a large stock of assorted grains and spices to sell. Yes, it looked like this would be a very good day.
CRASH!
"Aaaggghhh!" Mirutse yelped as his stall suddenly caved in on him.
"What was that? What happened?" Nearby vendors and passersby stopped and stared at the collapsed stand.
"Ohhh, my head," Mirutse moaned while buried underneath something large and heavy.
"Nice landing, Bonzo," A rough voice speaking an unknown language came from above him.
"Shut up, Furball." The stall's ruined canopy squirmed and rolled as several figures struggled to free themselves from it.
"Leggo my foot!"
"That's my hair!"
"Ow! Get off me!"
"Ahhh!" Mirutse yelped as he suddenly faced a short, ugly man dressed in odd clothes lying on top of him. He wore a strange, thick breastplate decorated with weird symbols highlighted by a bright, unnatural illumination. One such collection of symbols appeared as:
November 8, 936 A.D.
Bonga, Ethiopia
"Thanks for breaking my fall," The short, ugly man grumbled crawling off Mirutse and slowly got to his feet. "You also nearly broke my back!"
"Huh?" Mirutse blinked as four other strange-looking figures rose up from the remains of the ruined canopy. "Who or what are you?"
"Hey, looks like we landed in some kind of marketplace," A young, red-headed figure carrying a bizarre thing on his back chirped. "Let's get some lunch!"
"Good idea. I'm starving," A lean, fit figure smiled sampling an injera from a nearby stall. "Mmmm, not bad."
"Stop! You must pay for that!" Getu, Mirutse's neighboring stall owner demanded.
"Aw, shaddap!" A large, hairy man roared slamming a tall woven basket of yams over Getu's head.
"Gaaahhh!" Getu yelped and fell back with his head poking out the bottom of the broken basket.
"Now outta my way," The hairy man growled before gulping down a large helping of wat from Getu's stand. "Ahhh, that's pretty good!"
"Oh dear. Do we really have to do this?" A huge, towering figure frowned at his companions' behavior. "Can't Mastermind hide our presence from the locals?"
"It's a little too late for that, homme," The lean, fit figure smirked as he munched on some red berries and spit out the seeds. "Might as well grab some food while we have the chance."
"Okay," The huge figure sighed and reached for some dabo kolo.
"That's the spirit, mate," The young, red-haired figure smiled. "Ooo, lookie! I'm gonna make some honey-roasted peanuts!"
"Huh?" Mirutse blinked as he watched his stocks of food rapidly disappear. "No! Stop!"
"Who are those men?" People gulped and stared as the strange figures quickly ate their way through the marketplace. "Are they Romans? Franks? Rus?"
"They are thieves! Call the guards!" Getu yelled while still trapped in the basket. "Help!"
"Here we go!" The young, red-haired figure grinned wildly as he finished drizzling honey over an iron plate filled with green berry seeds.
WHOOOSSSHHH!
"Aaahhhhhh!" People screamed as flames leapt from nearby cooking fires and flew about before roasting the seeds.
"Look out! Fire!" Vendors and stall owners yelped as clouds of stray sparks landed on their stands causing them to burst into flames. "YAAAHHHHHH!"
"Oh no! Not again!" The huge figure grabbed a large heavy blanket from a stall and rushed to beat out the fires. "I will help you!"
CRASH!
"Oops," The huge figure blinked as he accidentally smashed a stand and a nearby building to smithereens. "Sorry!"
"Help! Run for your lives!" People screamed as fire and destruction spread throughout the marketplace. "They are barbarians!"
"Hey, not bad," The lean, fit figure grinned while fingering a collection of bracelets, earrings and necklaces being sold at another stand. "I'll take you and you and..."
"Stop! Get away from there!" Feleke the jewelry stand owner shouted only to be blinded by a small earring exploding in his face. "Aaahhh!"
"Halt! Who is responsible for this?" A squad of armed guards appeared wielding spears, shields and curved shotel swords.
"It is about time!" Getu shouted where he lay trapped in the basket. "The barbarians are over there!"
"Get them!" The guards charged only to suddenly breakout into screams. "AAAUUUGGGHHHHHH!"
"Huh?" Mirutse blinked. "What is wrong with you?"
"DEMONS! HELP! GET THEM AWAY FROM ME!" The head guard ran off in terror.
"YAAAHHHHHH! SNAKES! SNAKES!" A pair of guards shrieked while frantically hopping from foot to foot.
"MUDSLIDE! I'M DROWNING! NOOOOOOOO!" The remaining guards wailed dropping their weapons and began flopping about on the ground.
"What are they doing? What happened to them?" Mirutse gawked at the guards' behavior.
"That takes care of the local cops," The short, ugly man mumbled with now glowing eyes.
"What a dump," The hairy man growled polishing off the wat. "There's nothing here that comes close to posing a threat to me."
"NIEEE! NIEEE!"
"Huh?" Mirutse blinked as the ground ominously began to rumble. "What in the world...?"
"Gaaaggghhh!" People screamed and ran in panic as dozens of aardvarks suddenly stormed into the marketplace.
"Oh no! Not again!" The lean, fit figure blanched.
"Yay! Lookie!" The young, red-headed figure cheered. "They must have heard my aardvark call!"
"Your aardvark call?!" The short, ugly man gaped. "What the heck is an aardvark call?"
"It's a special call I invented using fire," The young, red-headed figure beamed proudly. "I made it to help keep time while I was roasting the peanuts!"
"GAAAHHHHHH! NO! STAY AWAY FROM ME! AAAUUUGGGHHH!" The lean, fit figure bolted away in terror.
"YOU'RE GONNA DIE FOR THIS FIREBUG! DIE I TELL YOU!" The hairy man shrieked. He tried to run, but the aardvarks easily overwhelmed him. "YEEEOOOWWW! NOT THE CLAWS! OWIE! OWIE! OWIE!"
"Please stop doing that," The huge figure sighed while a pair of aardvarks affectionately nuzzled his legs. "Stay back. It is not safe...watch out for the fire!"
CRASH!
"NIEEE! NIEEE!"
"Aw, aren't they cute?" The young, red-headed figure cooed while happily petting an aardvark. "Hey, maybe we'll meet Elle's great-great-times-a-hundred ancestor!"
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
"AAAGGGHHHHHH!" Mirutse shrieked as more explosions rocked the marketplace.
"HELP! WE'RE BEING INVADED!" Vendors screamed as their stalls were overrun by the unstoppable armory of aardvarks.
"AAAHHHHHH! FIRE! FIRE!" A whole row of stands went up in flames.
"IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD! THE FINAL JUDGMENT IS UPON US!" A group of people fell to their knees and began praying vigorously.
"Wheeeeee!" Children laughed and ran around in the streets while happily playing with the aardvarks.
"NOOOOOOOOO!" The fit, lean figure was finally dragged down by a mob of very excited aardvarks. "BLEAH! STOP LICKING ME! LEGGO MY HAND! NOT THE TONGUES...GIVE ME BACK MY PANTS!"
"Yuck!" The young, red-headed figure made a face before spitting out a mouthful of roasted seeds. "These peanuts are terrible!" He angrily dumped the rest of them into a nearby pot of boiling water.
"Those aren't peanuts," The short, ugly man told him. "They're the seeds from these funny red berries...wait a second." He leaned over the pot and took a deep sniff. "I recognize that smell! It's..."
"YAAAUUUGGGHHHHHH!" Mirutse screamed in horror as some of the fires began to take shape and move about with a life of their own.
"WAHHHHHH! MOMMY!" The remaining guards wept and fled for their lives.
"HELP!" Getu rolled by in the basket while being pushed by a trio aardvarks. "THEY'RE GOING TO EAT ME!"
"My stand! My beautiful stand!" Feleke sobbed. "Why didn't I listen to my father and become a gravedigger?"
"Aaahhh! Get off! I can not see!" The huge man yelled as an aardvark clung to his head which now shined like a metal helmet.
"HELP! SAVE ME! NOOOOOOOOO!" The large, hairy man wailed.
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
CRASH! SMASH! CRUNCH!
"HAHAHAHAHA!"
WHOOOSSSHHHHHH!
Silence suddenly descended over the marketplace. "Is it over?" Getu whimpered lying crumpled up in the now ruined basket.
"I think so," Feleke blinked dazedly.
"Am I dead?" The remaining stall owners and passersby gasped while gazing at the completely destroyed marketplace. Most of the fires had been put out while the five strange-looking figures had mysteriously disappeared. "If not, I feel like I soon will be!"
"Water...water," Mirutse stumbled about the tattered remains of his stall. He picked up a cracked ceramic cup and dipped it into the now simmering pot. "Ow! Yuck!"
"What is it? What is wrong?" A very shaken Feleke came up to him.
"This water is full of burned seeds from the berries we use for making tea," Mirutse peered into the pot. "I think I saw one those strange barbarians dump them in and...hmmm?" He took another sip. "Hmmm. Actually, it is kind of good."
"Let me try," Feleke grabbed another slightly broken cup and did so. "Mmmm! That is good! I like it!"
"It makes me feel alive," Mirutse's pupils dilated slightly. "Like getting a strong, swift kick without the pain!"
"My vitality has been restored!" Feleke smiled. "I think I have found the will to live again!"
"People will pay for this. I can sell it. I just have to do what that crazy barbarian did. Maybe even improve upon it," Mirutse did a happy dance. "I'm saved! I'm saved!"
"NIEEE! NIEEE!"
A pair of aardvarks knocked the two humans over and began drinking straight from the pot. The rest of the aardvarks quickly followed suit.
"Oh no," Feleke moaned and began to shake in terror.
"I take it back," Mirutse gulped as the armory of aardvarks began to frisk and hop around in excitement. "I'm doomed!"
Historical note: Coffee is brewed using the seeds (aka beans) of the Coffea genus of flowering plants originally indigenous to the highland forests of Ethiopia. While the earliest surviving records indicating the practice of drinking roasted coffee appeared in Yemen during the 15th century A.D., no direct evidence indicating the exact origin of coffee-drinking has never "officially" been determined.
