Author's note: Okay, this is the last of what I already have written. Reviews are what's gonna keep me going! If you've been reading, please feel free to comment and let me know if it's worth continuing on here! Thank you!
The "random Sydney fact" for the day was that she wasn't the greatest flyer. She left nail marks in Nathan's hand during take off and landing and her face was red with embarrassment each time. Nathan could see the change in her body once they stepped foot inside the airport.
"Sorry," she said, her tone sheepish. "I'm a weenie."
Nathan smiled, his eyes bright. "Long as you're my weenie," he laughed. He laced his fingers with hers and, after a wait at the baggage claim, a cab took them to their hotel. "More extravagant next time," he said softly. "I went with what I could do last minute and…"
"It's perfect," Sydney interrupted. She kissed him, caressing his stubbled cheek. "You have no idea what this means to me."
"Not just you, baby."
It was a couple of hours before they were settled into their room, but neither of them minded. They had explored the hotel a little as they waited and Nathan received restaurant recommendations from the concierge. Once in their room, Sydney showered and changed. Nathan followed suit after unpacking their suitcases. As he stood in the bathroom shaving, he heard Sydney open the sliding glass door to the balcony, then music floated up into their room. There was a band playing outside by the pool.
"I….just wanna fly. Put your arms around me, baby, put your arms around me baby…" Sydney giggled as she sang along. She called back into the room, "Nathan, I think it's nineties night out here! You almost done?"
Nathan chuckled to himself, so thankful to hear the happiness in her voice. He knew they both needed to get away from everything at home and test their relationship outside of every day life. He wiped the remaining traces of shaving cream from his face and walked out into the main area of the room. He saw Sydney on the balcony, her back to him. There was a light breeze outside and it rustled the gauzy blue skirt she was wearing. He watched as the fabric seemed to tickle her thighs, her hips swaying to a Matchbox Twenty tune. She let herself get caught up in the music, able to be truly carefree for the first time in months. Her hands were above her head and Nathan couldn't help but laugh as he saw a strange combination of "white girl meets slutty Sydney." He decided to help her out.
He quietly made his way to the balcony and slid his hands onto her hips, slowing her. He moved his own hips behind her and they found a rhythm together. Sydney leaned her body against his and let her head fall back onto his shoulder.
"Was it that bad?" she asked, laughing.
"I was very entertained." He kissed her cheek and continued to dance with her, his chest remaining pressed to her back.
"I didn't get out much in college," she confessed. "Never got to dance to any of this and…that's probably for the better."
He nuzzled into her neck. "Mmm…you make up for it now then." He let his hands innocently roam her body as the song came to its end. The band didn't pause as they let things slow down. Only a few notes made it to Sydney's ears before she turned around in Nathan's arms.
"One of the most played and saddest songs of my college career, stupid Nicolas Cage movie…" She shook her head. "Still, it's one that you always wanted to dance to with someone and Arlen wasn't exactly who I wanted to dance with to it."
Nathan smiled at her again. "And me?"
"And I'd give up forever to touch you, 'cause I know that you feel me somehow. You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be and I don't want to go home right now…"
Sydney's eyes lit up and she kissed him.
"And all I can taste is this moment, and all I can breathe is your life. When sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight…"
Internally she rolled her eyes at herself, not wanting to sound as she knew she was going to…but knew no matter how it sounded, she was telling him the truth. "You're who I always wanted to dance with."
Nathan held her close, breathing her in, her body wash and shampoo blending perfectly with their surroundings. He took her words to heart, understanding them perfectly. Every terrible thing he'd gone through or put up with in his life had led him to this moment…to being the one she wanted to dance with.
"And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am…"
He knew the song, had heard it hundreds of times over the years. It was still a staple at high school dances and even Susan went through a phase where she played it on repeat…but it wasn't until right now that he really listened to the words and related to them.
"And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming, or the moment of truth in your lies…When everything feels like the movies, yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive…"
Things with Sydney were undeniably perfect…too perfect at that. He had been keeping things from her that could turn her away from him and he knew that he had to break down the fantasy. If she didn't know everything about him, then she didn't truly know just whom it was she danced with…who it was that loved her.
"And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand…when everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am…"
Nathan moved a little, causing Sydney to raise her head from his shoulder. He cupped her chin and she saw sadness in his eyes. "Oh, honey, this song's only supposed to make girls…"
"I need to talk to you." His voice was solemn and made Sydney's stomach drop instantly.
"I thought we…did I…"
He shook his head. "Not you, Sydney."
"And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken…I just want you to know who I am…I just want you to know who I am…" He held her until the song ended. The lyrics repeating, telling him what he had to do. "I just want you to know who I am…
I just want you to know who I am…" He gently took her hand and led her back into their room, sliding the door closed behind them.
"Dinner needs to wait," he said, his voice still holding the worrisome tone. He motioned to the couch on the far side of the room and she sat, keeping her façade calm, but panicking like a lunatic on the inside. Nathan paced in front of her for a few moments, searching desperately for the right way to start this conversation.
"Baby, whatever it is…" Her lip trembled, but she controlled herself.
He turned to face her. "I've been lying to you," he said, a bit too bluntly. "Not about anything I've ever said to you, but about what I haven't. I started to tell you about things with Celia, but only little tidbits, things that don't make me seem…" He knelt down in front of Sydney, his eyes distressed. He shook his head as he continued. "I can't keep putting off the inevitable and the longer I wait, the worse it'll be."
"Nathan," she took his hand between hers. "Honey, you're sort of…scaring me."
"I know…I'm sorry. It's just that being here…it's too good. It's not fair to you to think that I'm some…God, I hope you don't think I'm perfect, please don't hold me to some stupid…" He got up, angry at himself. Sydney fidgeted, feeling sick. "I told you Celia didn't just sleep with one guy and I told you that I was scared of losing…"
"But now, Nathan? We're here to get away from everything that's…"
"It has to be now!" he yelled, regretting the action right away. "Sydney, I've asked you to move in with me! We've decided it's okay if our constant fucking gets you pregnant! We're living in this bubble where everything's wonderful and amazing and it's not fair to either of us!"
Sydney closed her eyes. This was supposed to be romantic – it was romantic until five minutes ago. It was supposed to be an escape from drama and school and baby vomit… "This isn't fair," she muttered.
"If I don't tell you now…" He frowned, his own lips trembling. "…but if I do and the air is cleared…"
Sydney understood and pushed her disappointment aside. "Okay, baby," she said, making sure her voice was gentle. "Tell me."
He took a breath and as much as he wanted to divert his eyes, he looked directly at Sydney. "Celia pushed me to take the position as principal when it came up for bid." He swallowed. "I was happy where I was. History was something I was good at and I got the kids to appreciate it, at least a little. I enjoyed getting up every day and going to work and I felt…so fortunate to have that. Celia was a nurse…as soon as Susan was born, I did everything I could to help her finish up school." He saw questions in Sydney's eyes. "I'm not deliberately talking in circles, Syd, I swear, I just…"
"However it needs to come out," she said, as calmly as she could.
He took a breath. "Our marriage was rocky from the beginning, I've told you that already. We got married as soon as we found out she was pregnant and I did my best to make it work. I took care of Susan while she studied and when she started at the hospital…I did everything I could, but Syd…nothing I ever did for her was enough. Ever. I'm not looking for sympathy, I just need you to understand. She was the mother of my child and I didn't want Susan to…but we fought over everything, money especially. She wanted the most ridiculous things sometime and when I couldn't…" He pulled at his hair. "This shit doesn't matter…the principal's job, that matters." He sat on the edge of the bed, across the room from Sydney. "She hounded me for weeks about it. She was tired of working at the hospital and wound up at the school, I knew it was the worst idea ever, us working in the same place." His eyes softened and he truly looked at Sydney. "Nothing like what we're doing, baby. I promise." He closed his eyes and continued with his jumbled story. "Anyway, she took it upon herself to go to various people in the district and chat me up…before I knew it, I was being asked to take the job. Then it was insisted upon. Everyone wore me down and I took it. Celia was happy with the pay bump and I was happy that she stopped harping on the subject."
Sydney didn't understand what was so bad about the story so far. Celia sounded controlling and a bit money hungry, but she knew those things already. She was convinced that Nathan had somehow distorted things in his mind, making them worse than they really were.
"The first year was…it was different, but it was okay. I was good at the job, somewhat respected by the kids and Celia and I were doing a little better." He put his head in his hands. "Then…as much as things started to change for the better, they got that much worse. She started to want nothing to do with me in the bedroom. She began telling me I was the worst fuck she'd ever had in her life and she couldn't understand how I was able to get her pregnant." He looked up, his eyes red. "It turned into a weekly fight…and I started going to the bar just so I didn't have to hear it anymore. She wouldn't even let me try to…" He shook his head again. "Syd, I'm so sorry, I know this…"
Sydney rose from the couch and approached him, slightly wary. "No, Nathan, it's okay." She reached out her hand, but he flinched and she backed off.
"Fuck, I'm…" He wrung his hands together and Sydney threw caution away, sitting next to him and rubbing his back. "I don't deserve…"
"Yes, you do." She was soothing him, it was only slight, but it was enough.
"Every evening I went to the same bar and had a drink, just one, so I could go home and deal with things. I should have known that it could escalate, but…" He cleared his throat. "Couple of years passed and nothing changed…I wanted to leave, Syd, so much, but I couldn't. We weren't sleeping in the same bed and sex was nonexistent…" He looked at Sydney. "…for me." His lips trembled. "She was sleeping with students."
Sydney's eyes went wide. "She…what?"
"I don't know when, exactly, it started, but…there were quite a few. All of age, all consenting…she was fucking them, then berating me about…" He refused to look at Sydney now. "Susan can't know…not until she's out of Western Summit…I just…"
"How did you find out?" Sydney asked, not able to stop herself.
He laughed. "She flat out told me." He looked down at the floor. "'Your students are better fucks than you'll ever be' – her exact words. 'And there's nothing you can do about it.'" Tears fell from his eyes. "She was right. With the position I was in…I couldn't do a fucking thing without my life falling further apart than it already had. I would lose all credibility; I was certain her fuckups would make me lose my certifications…I didn't do anything but drink…a lot." He looked at Sydney now, his watery eyes pleading. "I couldn't let anyone know! I couldn't risk Susan being…it was stupid…and I stayed with her…for my daughter. Susan's the only reason I didn't just pack up and leave her years earlier." Sydney continued stroking his back and was going to say something to him, but he got up from the bed. "I should have put a stop to everything. I should have gone right to…I was covering my own fucking ass, Syd! Do you know what that makes me?"
"You were looking out for Susan…"
"Sure, that's part of it, but my first thoughts were of myself!" He made to punch the wall, but slowed before making contact with it, lessening the impact. "She would come home with these sickening smiles on her face, so I'd open another bottle of whiskey and be plastered out of my mind! Susan correlated the drinking with the job and I let her think that…still do!" He rested his back against the assaulted wall. "After a few months, I couldn't take it…I confided in Joe and he helped me set Celia up. I overheard her on the phone one night and I picked up the receiver…she was fucking talking to one of them, setting up a…" He looked like he was going to be sick. "I sent Joe to the exact place at the right time and…he made it seem so accidental. With nothing to keep him from going to the board and her own reputation at stake, she resigned, saying that she wanted more time at home…fucking laughable." He started to cry fully.
"Baby…" Sydney went to him, taking him in her arms, despite him trying to push her away.
"I'm an asshole, Sydney. I am not some fucking perfect dream guy who…"
"Stop, Nathan, please. I couldn't imagine being in that position and…"
"You stop!" He pushed away from her. "Those kids should have been first priority, but I…"
"They were eighteen, Nathan, and she wasn't their teacher. The nurses are almost…rented to schools and…"
"Why are you trying to spin this so it's better?"
"Because I love you," she said simply. "Because you're beating yourself up over something that you didn't cause and you didn't…"
"She kept fucking! And you wanna know who? Because this just makes the icing on the fucking cake!" He was angry, frighteningly so. "Fucking Swearingen!" Nausea kicked Sydney in the stomach. "Yeah, the same asshole that put hands on you fucked my wife! He's the one I caught her in bed with! He's the reason I was ready to take my own fucking life that night! He's…"
"You what?" All color drained from Sydney's skin. Nathan was now the one who felt sick. He had never told her about that night. Not that he was serious about it, anyway.
"I wasn't drunk when I found them," he sobbed. "I told Susan I was, that I wasn't thinking straight, but…Syd, I was ready to end it – all of it. I was so fucking broken…" He slid down the wall to the floor, the feelings of the past too strong to fight.
Her heart breaking, she went to him again, pulling him to her and refusing to let go. She kissed the top of his head as he openly sobbed in her arms. "Shh…" She couldn't find any words, not that any of them would help the situation at hand.
"I wanted to die," he said, his voice hoarse. "I was ready to leave my daughter behind because I couldn't fucking cope…everything I had was…"
"But you didn't," she whispered. "Nathan, you're human…"
"Weak…"
"Maybe then, not anymore." Any questions, any clarifications could wait. This was enough for now, any more and he could shatter.
"I had to tell you…I had to let you know everything." He couldn't meet her eyes. "I'm embarrassed," he whispered. "I'm not everything I should be for you." His chest heaved with a dry sob.
"Nathan, your past, the things that happened to you long before we ever met, they don't matter to me. You've only been good to me, you've…"
"I only stayed for Susan," he said, more to himself than Sydney. "Years of misery, but my daughter…she needed to have her mother and…I had to have a job to support…and when it was over, when she finally left…the drinking…I couldn't stop…and I hated the job…" He rubbed at his eyes.
Sydney could tell he was uncomfortable, not just emotionally, but physically. "Baby, come with me…please." She rose from her place on the floor and extended her hands. He took them, surprising her. She led him to the bed and he didn't fight her. Within moments, his head was resting on her chest. She went back to rubbing his back as he tried to compose himself. "I don't think any less of you, you need to know that. I promise I would tell you."
"Why, Syd?" he asked, desperate. "I just told you the worst parts of everything I've ever been through…I wanted to kill myself, not threaten, actually kill…"
"Not only did you not, but you've put your demons to rest…"
"After I almost killed Charlie." He didn't even let Sydney ask before he told her about the day Charlie found him drunk with the same gun he told Susan he'd disposed of. Sydney's only reaction was to hold him tighter. "I don't deserve you," he whispered. "I don't deserve my faults to be forgiven so easily."
"I hid a doctor's drug use from a hospital," Sydney reminded him, her own voice cracking. "I had the possibility of lives at stake, didn't say anything to anyone, and history has only repeated itself." Her tone was solemn, but then brightened just a little. "Honey, you've been carrying all of that around with you for years. It's in the past and…keeping it to yourself for so long, carrying that misplaced guilt, baby, that's enough punishment." She caressed his face and he finally looked into her eyes. "You've purged completely, Nathan. It's time to let go."
"I…Susan…"
"She has her issues with Celia as it is. If you want to tell her when she graduates, that's all well and good…and over a year from now."
"So I still hide it from someone…"
"But not alone." She kissed him, the act meant to be innocent, but Nathan clung to her. He moved up her body, placing his hands on her face and deepening the kiss.
He swallowed hard, his eyes red and raw. "You still…" He couldn't finish his question, but didn't have to.
"Always. Telling me just proves…" She let a tear fall. "I love you. I don't care about anything from then." She kissed him again, unable to help the feelings coursing through her body. "I'll take it away from you, baby…I'll carry it for you if you need me to."
"Help me let it all go," he begged, his lips finding her neck. He pulled back, once again ashamed of his actions.
"Anything you need," she breathed, putting her neck back to his lips. She heard a soft moan escape him and reached for his shirt.
"Syd…"
"Relax, sweetheart…" She gently pushed him back against the pillows after she succeeded at unbuttoning his shirt the rest of the way. She pressed soft, loving kisses to his chest, wanting him to feel her devotion to him. "Let me make it better."
Fresh tears fell from Nathan's eyes and he let his hands trail along Sydney's shoulders, then down her arms. "I love you…you know all of me now…and you still want me."
She pulled her tank top up over her head. "Only more…you've had to go through so much…" He exhaled sharply when she unhooked her bra, her breasts spilling free for him. "You're a good man, Nathan, please don't ever think otherwise." He sat up, tenderly sucking at a nipple, as his hands wandered her back. "Take what you need, love."
"You," he said softly. "I need you."
Sydney was gentle as she removed his pants and boxers, as well as her skirt and panties. She kissed his skin and his fingers trailed along hers. They were nearly worshiping one another's bodies, each so appreciative of the other. Nathan was already hard and almost felt shame, until Sydney's hand pumped him delicately. She heard him gasp and straddled him. She eased herself down his length until their hips met and she held them there.
Bringing Nathan's hand to her chest, she held it over her heart, still unmoving. "Feel me, Nathan." She pressed his hand more firmly against her. "When yours breaks, mine beats for you…as long as you're willing to do the same for me."
"Always," he said, choking on the word. He sat up, wrapping his arms around her, going deeper inside her. "I promise." She began to move, her hips slow. "Oh, Syd…"
"Relax, baby." She gently pushed his chest so he was once again flat against the bed. She leaned down against him, still moving as slowly as she could. "You never have to keep anything from me…I will help you with anything you ask…" She moaned despite herself. "Please come to me, don't ever assume I'll think less of you, ever." She increased her pace and Nathan clung to her, his hips rising from the mattress.
Nathan's hands roamed her body with no destination, soft and tender. He had never felt so needy, so unlike himself…then again, he'd never shared what he thought what he were felt his deepest flaws. "You feel so good…you're always so good to me…" He was trying to keep himself together.
"Let go, sweetheart…let go, it's okay."
He stilled his hips. "No." His voice was low, but adamant. Sydney's eyes questioned him and she ceased all movements. "Keep going, baby…"
"What? Nathan, I…"
"Syd, please…" His head titled back against the pillows and he closed his eyes. "I can't, not yet…I want…" His chest heaved with a ragged breath.
Sydney did as he asked, moving her hips as slowly as she could. As far as she was concerned he was torturing himself by not succumbing to a much-needed release. He kept his eyes closed, his lips parted, and she couldn't tell if he was in pain or feeling intense pleasure. She ran her fingertips along his cheek, thankful that he had finally freed himself of all of the past; that he trusted her with everything he thought could drive her out of his arms. She knew he was hurting over his freshly opened wounds and all she wanted was to wash some of that pain away. He bit at his lip and she knew he was holding himself back again. His hands gripped her hips, pulling them hard against his own.
She placed her lips at his ear, her body moving, her mind focused on the feeling of his length inside of her. "Nathan, baby, listen to me." Her tone was soft and reassuring. "You don't have to hold back…you don't have to deprive yourself." He bucked, crying out, but once again stopping. "You deserve pleasure. You deserve to feel good; I swear it. I know you feel undeserving, but you're not. Nothing's changed, baby, it's only going to get better." She kissed him desperately. "Please, honey…please let me feel you."
Nathan pumped upwards with more force, Sydney sitting up and matching his pace. "So warm…so perfect…don't let me mess us up…"
She went to his lips and whispered against them before kissing him again. "Messing up is human…so is forgiving." She slid her tongue along his and she felt him release at her words, spilling deep inside her, she fell right along with him.
They stayed joined together, still, for quite a while before Nathan rolled to pull Sydney close to him. "I'm sorry, baby," he whispered. "That wasn't the ideal start to…"
"Wasn't it?"
***I Just Wanna Fly – Sugar Ray***
***Iris – Goo Goo Dolls***
