Six more months into the disease and Whitney was totally immobile. Six months into watching her mother's body slowly wilt away into nothing Brittany was almost emotionally tired. She hadn't stopped crying and grieving though her mother's still alive. It was just too much to bear witnessing her mother slowly dying—her mother who did everything she could to raise Brittany to become a great woman, her mother who was always there with Brittany during her best and worst times, her mother who was half of her life.
Haller had witnessed how Brittany become as weak as their mother looked, except that her reason was different. Haller felt exactly the same, so was her father. A part of their family was leaving, how could they not grieve?
But Whitney was peculiarly acting all tough. And she was the one who was suffering with the disease. She kept saying positive things when she could still talk, until she couldn't produce any sound anymore other than a soft moan or a grunt. It seemed to work, somehow. Haller, Brittany and Mr. Pierce were slightly starting to take the inevitable in. Whitney made it clear that if she would pass away anytime, she's happy because her family was around her, with an addition of her grandson, who had been her source of bliss lately though all he did was laugh and crawl on the floor of her room, next to her bed, not having any idea that his grandmother was a thread apart from the brink of death.
Like right now, Laurenzo was busy crawling around the rubber mat on Whitney's room, next to her bed, where she could see him play by himself as Brittany sat on the edge of her mother's bed, keeping an eye on both Laurenzo and Whitney. Brittany had never let her mother out of her sight, especially now that it's been a year and six months she's bearing the disease. She couldn't take her eyes off her mother in fear of Whitney leaving when she's not watching. She always watched, so her mother wouldn't leave. Plus, Mr. Pierce was working and Haller was schooling, so no one could watch over Whitney. They hadn't let the servants do it.
Whitney murmured something.
"What is it, Mom?" Brittany held her mother's right hand in between both of hers.
It's getting harder and harder to understand Whitney as the time passed by. She couldn't move her hands for signs. She couldn't talk clearly either.
Whitney smiled and looked down at Brittany's left hand, specifically on the gold band on it. She seemed unusually bright today, and Brittany took that as a good sign. Maybe she's feeling better now than the past months.
"Oh, this…" Brittany looked at her hand too and touched her wedding ring. She couldn't remove it, or rather, she didn't want to remove it. Never. It was one of the reasons why she kept standing up all this time, except from Laurenzo, because she knew Santana was with her, somehow. She could feel Santana through that ring.
Santana visited a couple of times before. In fact, she just visited last week. But she only stayed for a day before leaving and going back to New York. She checked on Laurenzo and Brittany, but mostly on her mother-in-law, Whitney.
Whitney slightly squeezed Brittany's hand. Not squeeze, really. The word was too heavy of a word to describe the gesture. It was almost unnoticed because of its weakness, it was all that Whitney could muster. But Brittany felt it, so she looked up immediately and met a pair of blue eyes very identical to hers.
Brittany's mind immediately blacked out and all of a sudden all that she could see was Whitney's face. That face she had loved so much. Whitney was saying something, through her eyes. Strangers wouldn't understand what the look on her face was saying. But to Brittany it was very clear. As clear as the blue sky outside the window of Whitney's room. It might be the wonders of a mother and her child's invisible connection.
"You love her."
Brittany could have sworn she heard the voice in her head like her mother has some super powers to talk to her without moving her lips.
Brittany smiled sadly. "Very much."
Whitney was aware that she was the one who's keeping Brittany from going back to Santana. She wouldn't let that go on anymore longer now.
"Go back to her and be happy."
"Mom…" Brittany's eyes instantly misted.
Somehow, it felt like a last message for her. Somehow, it seemed like Whitney was ready to let go. Somehow, it appeared that Whitney was trying to tell Brittany what she should do when she's finally off. Somehow, Brittany knew those weren't just a 'somehow' but a certainty. And that was the reason for her tears.
"Co-old," Whitney croaked before taking in a deep breath, but was only able to inhale so little because, in her condition, it was hard to breathe. She still managed a smile, though.
"Y-you're cold? Wait, I'll just…" Brittany stood up and furiously wiped her tears that refused to stop. "I'll just get another b-blanket."
She ran out of the room and into the next room, a guest room. She grabbed the blanket on the vacant bed as fast as she could before dashing back to her mother's room. And stopped right in front of the door. And dropped the blanket on the floor.
She was too late.
In a mere ten seconds, she's already too late.
She lethargically dragged her feet closer to her mother's bed and stared at her mother's peaceful face. She's gone, Brittany knew, but she refused to believe it. It was just a couple of seconds! How could she slip away in such a short time?! It was impossible! She must have passed away the moment Brittany had let go of her hand. She asked Brittany to get a blanket so Brittany wouldn't see it. She acted bright today so Brittany wouldn't suspect.
"Mom!" Brittany kneeled on the side of the bed and hugged her mother's lifeless body. "MOM!"
Behind her, Laurenzo stopped playing with his rattle and sat on his rear. He watched as his mother cried and wailed and shouted for his grandmother to come back. A second later, he started crying as if he understood what just happened.
~.~
Haller's hold on her ice-cream cone loosened and it dropped on their cafeteria's tiled floor in a soft 'splat!'. She remained stoic in front of the entrance and Lori looked at her confusedly.
"What's wrong, Haller?"
Haller's eyes teared up. "Mom…" She knew. Her innards were telling her something. And it has something to do with her mother. "Something happened to Mom!" Her legs gave up and she fell on the floor, crying hopelessly, garnering every people's attention.
"Halley!" Lori kneeled next to her and hugged her weeping friend.
Haller gripped Lori's sleeves, looking at her with her pain-filled and tear-filled eyes. "Bring me home, Llor… bring me home! Something happened to Mom!"
~.~
The grass was dry and the air was tight. The sky was pinkish and spiders seemed to have heaved the thin clouds. The one-hundred-fourty-five-year-old Dogwood tree was standing proudly on its usual position two yards away from Grandpa Pierce's tomb, leaves falling like confetti. Everything in the place screamed familiarity to Brittany, but it did nothing to her broken heart. The beautiful image of nature couldn't take her mind off of things for the first time.
Brittany, Haller and Mr. Pierce watched sorrowfully as Whitney's coffin was laid atop the six-feet deep hollow on the ground next to Grandpa Pierce's tomb, ready to be laid down. But not yet. It was still open.
"MOM!" Brittany lunged forward and hugged her mother's cold body without second thoughts. She had never gotten tired of crying during her mother's funeral, until now. How could she? How could she stop crying when every time she did, thought's of not seeing her mother again haunted her? Thoughts of not being able to feel her arms around her. Thoughts of not being able to feel her motherly love. Thoughts of not being able to tell her much she meant to Brittany. And thoughts of the days she could have spent with Whitney but hadn't had the chance because she was in New York. A lot of thoughts haunted Brittany.
Somehow, Brittany felt bad that her mother passed away without spending the last years of her life with her first born. If Brittany didn't choose to live in New York, she could have spent a lot more time with Whitney. Brittany blamed even that thing to herself. Who else could she blame, anyway?
"Sis!" Haller tried to pry her sister away from their mother, but Brittany refused to. Haller had been crying, too. Even Mr. Pierce, who has only shed tears once, was crying right now.
Lori, Katy, Madison, Rachel, Quinn (with Laurenzo in her cradled arms), Tina, Sugar and Marley witnessed it everything from behind. Most of them could not sympathize. They didn't know what to do or say to Brittany because they had never lost a parent. Marley, Sugar, and Santana could sympathize, though. Santana and Marley lost Mr. Hudson, and Whitney was Santana's mother-in-law so it was more or less her loss too. Sugar lost both her parents at such young age. They knew what it felt. It felt devastating. Even that word was an understatement. There were not enough words to describe it.
They were all there for emotional support, along with her parents' colleagues, partners and friends, and Brittany was thankful for that. She wouldn't still be standing right now if not for them.
Santana took the initiative to take a step forward and the moment she settled a hand on Brittany's shoulder, the latter detached herself from the coffin and hugged Santana instead. Santana hugged her tight.
"Stop crying now, Brittany."
But that seemed to make Brittany cry even harder.
Lori realized that Haller had been crying so hard that her breathing were already ragged. It seemed like Haller was almost suffocating from so much crying. So Lori hugged her, too. Haller slightly eased inside her arms.
Mr. Pierce took this as an opportunity to command the two men to close the coffin and lay it down. When the coffin started slowly going down the hollow Brittany started struggling but Santana tightened her arms even more.
"No! Don't!" Brittany screamed.
"Brittany… let her go," Santana softly said and it seemed to work. Brittany gradually stopped struggling and just watched with wrecked heart as her mother's white coffin slowly disappeared under the earth.
The men started throwing dirt on top of it, sealing the hollow. The dirt was thick and it made soft 'plucks' as it hit the coffin, but it was nothing compared to Haller and Brittany's wails. Laurenzo seemed to have sensed the anguish around the place and he started crying too, shrill and keen.
Some of the people in the funeral shed a tear or two, unlike the two daughters of the deceased who shed buckets. The breeze was cold but there was nothing colder than the feeling of the empty space in their hearts that was recently vacated by their mother.
There was nothing hurtful than watching your parent being buried six feet under the ground. Every pile of dirt seemed to add to their buckets of pain. Every tear seemed to be a lead of another one, making them endless.
Ironically, the moment the hollow was fully sealed was the same moment Brittany, Haller and Mr. Pierce knew that an empty space in their hearts would remain unfilled.
~.~
The air at the back of the Pierce's massive house was different than in the cemetery. The apple trees filtered the air clean before it could reach Brittany, who was sitting on her hammock, and Santana, who was resting her back against one of the apple trees where the hammock was tied. For the first time, the serenity of the place didn't calm Brittany down. She wished she could go back to being a child, when she still had her mother.
Brittany was deep in thought while Santana was merely watching her. The stress and fatigue was visible from Brittany's face and slouched, thin body. Seeing Brittany like this hurt Santana more than their parting. She could have been there while she was suffering, but she chose to stay in New York and take care of their company. She was one disappointing lover. It suddenly occurred to her that she didn't deserve Brittany for all that she was.
The first time Santana saw Brittany in this place she had looked so peaceful, and as beautiful as the place. She even called her Snow White. But today she's not. The sun was setting and the breeze was warm. The trees' leaves were starting to fall off from their branches as it was the beginning of autumn. This usually excited Brittany. Autumn was the most beautiful season for her. But not today.
"Santana…" Brittany quietly called and Santana attentively listened. "Can you still remember what I told you the last time we were here?"
Santana thought for a while but Brittany didn't wait for her reply.
"I said I had a promise to myself that I'll bring the person I love here in this place and the person that I would marry."
Santana remembered it now.
-Flashback-
Brittany heaved a deep sigh. "You know, I promised myself before that I would bring the person I love here in this place..." "So, you love me?" Santana asked with a smirk. "Of course not! I'm not yet done talking! At least let me finish." "Continue." Then Santana continued eating the apple. "...And the person that I would marry. I knew ever since from the start that that would be two different persons. But I never stopped wishing that the person I would marry would be the person that I love, but still…. it didn't come true. Though I don't love you… you're the one that I was supposed to be married with so I brought you here to tell myself that at least I fulfilled half of my promise."
-End of flashback—
"Santana, my wish eventually came true." Brittany paused. "They're one person now, the person I married and the person I love… and that's you."
It took a good five seconds before Santana realized what Brittany just said and once she did, her eyes grew wide. She loves me! But she didn't have time to react when Brittany continued.
"Yes, Santana, I love you." Brittany ducked her head and Santana only watched from behind as Brittany's shoulders started shaking with her sobs. "But I can't be with you now… I'm guilty of some things. I'm guilty of being selfish… I've never thought that the only time I became selfish -when I chose to live with you in New York- is the worst decision I've ever made. If I hadn't left, my mother could have spent the last years of her life with me. I could have been there for her to make her happy for the last time, but I wasn't. I came late."
Santana never knew that a confession such as this existed. This was the most heartbreaking confession she has ever seen, and it was a confession to her. Her tears rolled down her cheeks even before she knew it. Why was life so cruel to them? Why was Brittany choosing to punish herself? But she's still wearing their wedding ring… there's still hope… but somehow Santana already felt tired…
"I'm guilty of taking my mother's happiness with me when I left… and I deserve to be unhappy for the rest of my life."
Then what did Santana do to deserve this? Brittany was guilty, so she deserved this. But what did Santana do to deserve to be unhappy for the rest of her life? Brittany was her happiness, her everything. How could she be happy now that she knew she'd never have Brittany?
Santana's legs gave up and she kneeled on the dirt, tears pelting the ground. If Brittany was not sitting on the hammock, she could have fallen on the ground too.
Brittany said she loved her, but she still refused to be with Santana. That only meant that her mind wouldn't change. If her love for Santana wasn't enough to change her mind, then what was? It was times like this when Santana felt discouraged. There were no more hopes left. She's tired of fighting, no matter how much she loved Brittany. Even the strongest warrior gets tired sometimes. It was pretty normal.
It was just so hopeless.
Maybe it was really time to quit and just give up fighting.
