Part Two, Chapter 22: You.
Hey, are you lonely? Has summer gone so slowly?
We found the ground
And that damage was done
It's cold as you fade into the sun
Where'd you go? To me?
-Fair by Remy Zero
He notices it too. I know it.
He's moved back in with me, but whenever he touches me, it feels different. We look at each other differently, too. Sometimes I think we remind each other too much of everything that's happened.
We stay like this for months until one day we just come home from work and we look at each other with solemn eyes.
"Kathryn," he begins.
"I know," I reply.
He looks at his hands. At his feet. Then at me.
"I hate that this is happening to us," he says. "We're not supposed to be like this."
I nod. What else can I say?
"I'll get my things tomorrow," he says quietly.
"It's good this time," I reply. "that we're saying actual goodbyes."
There is no adequate metaphor for what is happening right now. Poetic language will pale. Not even Sebastian could make it sound beautiful.
Ever since Conner died—
Wait no. That's not even right. Not just Conner. Even Elle and Ian, what happened to them. How they died in their own way, how horrible it had been. How sad. Sometimes I wonder where Elle is. Her things are still in her office, but by now they are packed in boxes. The boxes are in my house. Despite her faults and her obvious mental problem, I find myself looking for Elle.
Ever since what happened, everything that has been happening to me has been a blur. It can be compared to how there are times when you lack so much sleep and yet you have to spend the day doing something so all you can do is just stare blankly and things don't register like they used to.
It is like being wrapped in something and nothing else ever gets through. I am not sure if you have that feeling, but that's the best way I can think of putting it. When you are exposed to something like this, it gives you the feeling that everything in the past is trivial. It forces you to look at yourself, at what and who you have become. It forces you to remember and regret.
Things like this outweigh games and love and lust and sex and work. I can honestly tell you that I am not that seventeen-year-old girl I had been so long ago. I was not the same person who had hated Annette, who had wanted to fuck and kill Sebastian.
The loss I feel exceeds whatever loss I had felt when Sebastian had left. To me, that now amounts to nothing. Just a fucking blip. But don't get me wrong. It doesn't mean that I had wanted Sebastian any less. Time just gives you more insight, that's all. Past burdens seem lighter.
"I'll be in my office," I tell Sebastian. My words feel dry. Empty shells and hollow words and hollow crucifixes, my blue eyed boy. He stands there staring, his eyes hold a fire I envied.
In my office hangs the photo Conner had given me. Little Kate and Teenage Conner. How long had it been? Never mind. Never ever fucking mind. I try to ignore the boxes that contain Elle's things and take a seat. I turn on my computer, checking my email. I look over a few press releases.
Then it comes, this frightening monster chomping away my thoughts. European Prince Charming, my best friend, my other-love. Goddamn it. I rest my elbows on the thick pad, placing my palms over my eyes. Goddamn it. God fucking damn it.
You. Yes. You.
I remember when you came to New York and you picked me up from school and it was like this little stupid crush from so long ago just started growing. I'm not going to go into it, into the whole bet-Sebastian-Annette-getting-hit-by-a-cab-almost-dying-he-hated-me-thing. You know that very well by now.
This is about you. And me.
This is about you not being able to call me or see me. This is about you being in a jar placed on the Valmont mantelpiece in Madrid. This is about you as a decorative tool. Just another one of those pretty things you oohh and ahh over until you realize there's a person inside that pretty thing. This is about me missing you. This is about me remembering you.
You know that cliché, that thing about not knowing if you're going to be around tomorrow so you better say things you want to say to people otherwise it's just going to get lost and before you know it, you're dead and now you don't have a chance?
You. Yes. You. And me.
Why is it that we have had so many conversations and now it feels like those conversations weren't as many as I would have liked?
I remember your face your eyes your mouth your tongue your hands your voice. I remember how you understood me the most. It seems like you knew me in ways not even Sebastian had known me. I remember the eulogy I had written for you, only I hadn't been able to say it because I had been holding to Sebastian's hand too tightly until he began to pull me away. We left your funeral. Or rather, we left you just before you got burned.
Then Sebastian, you know what he did?
He pulled something out of his pocket. Your ring. And he has it in a new chain, a better, stronger one, and he put it on me and then you know what I did?
We were in a closed room and my knees buckled like I hadn't eaten for days and Sebastian held on to me. And it was like the growing distance between us was gone, like you were responsible for pulling us back together.
You. You. You. You. You.
Are gone.
Then he pulled me on his lap, he stroked my hair.
"Ssshhh, shhhh," he whispered. "Kathryn,"
My eyes leaked this foreign salty liquid that I had grown to hate and I'm shaking so much and Sebastian, you know what he did?
He kissed me, and when he did it was like he was sharing my grief. Like he wanted to take it from me or at least share it with me.
I had never loved him as much as I did at that moment.
But still, still.
I remember the blood the vacant stare the closed eyes. I remember you and me and us and how you promised me a week with you for my birthday and how we never got to go anywhere.
Sometimes I feel like I am locked in a room and Sebastian is trying to get in I hear him knocking knocking until the knocking ceases and then there is silence. And it turns out he's in another room now and the door is closed.
Your ring is cold against my chest. All I want is to see you again.
You. And me. The abrupt ending to our story.
A knock.
Sebastian stands there.
"You're not the only one who lost something," he says.
"You don't understand," I reply. "You were gone for a while."
"I lost you," he answers quietly. "We've been at this for the longest time now, and I still lost you. Conner's death isn't the only reason to grieve. Other deaths have happened."
Don't go. Don't go.
Don't.
Don't.
He touches my cheek. His eyes are solemn. Damp.
"My love. My Kathryn," he whispers, pressing his lips against mine.
He draws me into his arms like that day when I was supposed to talk about you and who you were. Past tense.
Sebastian and I melt into each other. Warm puddle where limbs and hearts used to be.
"You're going to be okay," he says, kissing my eyelids. He is all warm and salty and sweaty and naked and my eyes are all warm and salty too.
"Yes," I reply.
We melt.
Until we evaporate.
--
Hours later. No, wait. Days later. Weeks later. I don't know exactly.
I come home.
Nobody else but me.
But still, I think.
I am changing, like as the days go by I am slipping into a different version of myself.
A new Kathryn. It is a nice thing to change. To grow for nobody else but yourself.
A/N: Holy shit I'm actually almost done. Right. So. Roughly 2-3 more updates here, one for the epilogue, the next two for the deleted scenes. We're good? Yeah? Yeah. All-righty then. If you've reached this far in the story, hurrah!
Now, we're almost at the end of the road here. An explanation as to why this happened? I wanted this to feel as real as possible. I also wanted to emphasize the character's personal growth.
Now, have a little faith. I had been on Team Conner but I killed the guy.
Faith. All I'm asking. Some things should never be rushed. :)
edited this bit:
My keyboard dripped with blood in the previous chapter, but we do hurt the things we love, don't we? Anyway, the word document this story is in has about 883 pages, roughly only 600+ were used, so there are plenty of outtakes that does involve everyone alive and well. One particularly boring day, I wrote a version of Kathryn ending up with Conner, so I might post that too. It's actually a happier ending that the bloodbath but what can I say? Bring on the pain. If I posted everything I ever wrote for this story, it's going to take a lot of chapters, and we're all tired, aren't we? So I'll just be choosing the ones I do like. After the epilogue, which should be up whenever, I'll also put a bit about poor Elle, Ian, and Conner and how they came about just for the heck of it. I guess also what I've learned when writing original characters in fan fics. Anyway, that's it. Yes, the end is indeed near.
