Chapter 44: Before The Full Moon Rises (M)

Chapter 44: Before The Full Moon Rises (M)

There's a certain kind of chill that runs down my spine as my eyes open. I have no idea how long I've been asleep but I DO know that it absolutely makes no sense that I'm sleeping on the carpeted floor of my living room, facedown, in expensive silk nighties that I know I have been wearing for the past two nights already. My back hurts, my face is numb, and I feel so parched that I could barely breathe through my mouth.

I sit up and try to make sense of whatever it is that's happening to me. I see an empty hi-ball glass on the coffee table, a half empty bottle of whiskey, a bag of Cheetos, and my laptop. The screen's frozen on Mark Tuan's most beautiful photo—at least in my opinion. I sigh and wobble as I attempt to stand on my feet, realizing belatedly that I fell asleep while packing my carry on luggage, which lay open on the sofa bed. Why the fuck am I sleeping on the floor then?!

I stretch and shiver as I make my way to the kitchen to get a glass of water. No headaches, for sure, but my body definitely ached from sleeping on the hard floor. My smart refrigerator tells me it's past 5AM, which only means I have slept on the damn floor for more or less four hours. I remember this distinctly because I know I drunk called Jackson and his answer was, "Love, it's 1AM. Can you please let me get some fucking sleep before you start crying again?"

I fill my glass with more water and lean against the kitchen counter. Whisky can be a bitch sometimes. The right bottle of whisky can make you feel so, so good. But after five to six glasses on the rocks, your face will start to numb. On your seventh glass you'll find yourself laughing with tears streaming down your eyes because you'll lose all control of your emotions and you'll have whisky to thank for that.

When the thirst and the dizzy spell that accompanied it are both gone, I put my glass down, turn the lights off in the kitchen and the living room, and walk up to my room guided by the early morning light streaming through my windows. It's getting harder to be alone these days and it's also getting hard to imagine how I have managed to live in Seoul all on my own, shut off from the world, for years before working at JYPE.

In a span of a year and a half, I have learned that working in the music industry—especially in South Korea—could change you and shape you in unimaginable ways. I've learned how to socialize, learned the value of ass-kissing, and kissing your workmates, and stepping on their egos (intentionally or unintentionally) to reach for the stars. I have learned that money makes connections, and that connections are pricier than clothes or cars or careers. That's because more often than not, connections could cost you your dignity, and your peace of mind. I close my eyes again, wrap myself in a warm blanket, and try to erase the images from the other night.

*Flashback*

I spoke to my parents about the apartment situation a day after the meeting with JYPE. We were on a Skype conference because my dad was in Japan and my mom was in San Francisco when I called. I wasn't angry, not really. How can I when I've basically been living under their roof without actually knowing it. All I said was that I wasn't happy to have found out about the nuances of my living situation during a meeting. They could've just told me about it, it's not like I could afford to be a rebellious asshole and turn down any form of help. They apologized about lying to my face the past few years and told me the rent I paid every year went back to my trust fund anyway, which kind of made me angrier about the whole damn situation. But I kept my mouth shut and wished them well and said goodbye. I've always known that they did what they thought was good for me. I just wish they'd treat me and talk to me like an adult, like a human being.

That call and the weightlessness I felt that day compelled me to leave my apartment. I needed to be anywhere but home. Somehow, I was feeling out of sorts. I should be happy because all of my problems were gone. The scandal with Jackson was short-lived and insubstantial. The potential scandal with Mark did not see the light of day. All of our photos were safe at home. I still have a roof over my head along with a growing trust fund that would probably allow me three years of jobless living in Hong Kong. Mark was coming back from New Zealand. Jackson just came back from China. I have a new job at JYPE and everything I needed have been arranged for me. I should be celebrating, but there was a hollow feeling in my chest that numbed my whole being.

Liv told me that I should go shopping, so I did, hoping some retail therapy at Myeongdong or Gangnam or Hongdae would cheer me up. It didn't. The next day, I wore my new workout gear and went to the gym. Then I went grocery shopping, my cart consisted mainly of veggies, fruits and lots of yogurt. I wanted so badly to get a bar of chocolate but I needed to watch my weight now that I'm under a five-year contract. The day after that I went biking at Han River on my own and got a text from Namjoon, who was apparently looking to kill time.

Namjoon: Hey, are you busy?

Love: No, actually.

Namjoon: Do you wanna maybe hang out?

Love: Are you sure that's a smart thing to do though?

Namjoon: Scared of the fans?

Love: Why wouldn't I be?

It took him a while to answer, the dots on our KaTalk chat moving and disappearing and moving again. I stretched my legs and looked towards the horizon, wondering whether Namjoon was coming or not. It had been a while since we last talked, what with his crazy schedule. I have been trying to avoiding any other social contact, especially with idols. I guess the scandals and almost-scandals took a toll on me. My phone vibrated again a minute later with another message from him.

Namjoon: I understand. I hope you're doing okay though. I haven't heard from you in a while.

Love: I'm sorry. I'm a mess right now. But I have good news...

Namjoon: Really? What is it?

Love: I signed up with JYPE. I'm going to be away for a while, training at Hong Kong.

Love: But PLEASE don't tell anyone that. I mean it.

Namjoon: Oh congratulations!

Namjoon: I hope you're not leaving without seeing me at least? If you don't want fans to see then maybe we could meet somewhere more nondescript?

Love: There's a secret VIP room at Callabooze. I know it's not really your scene but that's the only place I know where you can slip in without being noticed.

Namjoon: Okay, let's meet up there then. I'll probably have to leave early but what's important is that I get to see you before you leave.

I immediately called Boss Min Hoo to ask about the VIP room and inform him who I was going to be with that night. He enthusiastically agreed to let me borrow the room and I texted Jun and Ben to let them know I was coming to Callabooze. On my way to the club I used to work to, I also told Sheen where I was going and who I was with just in case something happened.

Though I knew that Boss Min Hoo made changes to the layout of the bar to let VIP guests come and go without drawing any attention to themselves, I couldn't help but be anxious. It was Namjoon, after all, and aside from the fact that his group has gotten more popular internationally, he's also not some random guy from my own company. If word got out, no matter how innocent our actions or motivations may have been, I knew we're both going to be in so much trouble.

I came to the club wearing distressed black jeans, a navy blue off shoulder sweater top, and platform heels, my hair swept up in a messy half pony. Ben immediately left his post behind the bar when he saw Jun escorting me through the doors. "There's my main bitch! How have you been? I missed you so much!" He said, hugging me tight. For the first time that week, I got myself to laugh. Ben had always been a ray of sunshine and it helped that he kept complimenting me about my outfit and my makeup.

Jun nudged me and whispered that the guests have arrived and so I had to part with Ben to come down to the basement area where the VIP rooms were located. When Jun opened the door for me I found Rap Monster and Suga hanging out with Manager Jonghan and Manager Sejin, my former boss, and an under-dressed chick that Boss Min Hoo introduced as his daughter Sang Min. Apparently she now worked as Callabooze's PR manager and I never even got to meet her while working there because I started when the bar club was pretty new and so their PR work may have only started after I quit.

There were bottles of draft beer on the table, plates of random food, plates of lime, a small salt shaker, shot glasses, and two tall bottles of tequila roaming around the posh-looking room. My heart pounded in my chest and I wondered if it was because I was sitting next to Namjoon who kept staring at me, or because of my anxiety over being found out yet again. "You look great, as always. Cheers?" Namjoon said, raising his bottle to me. Manager Sejin, seeing that I was empty-handed, passed me a beer and we all clinked our bottles before settling down for small talk.

Suga was mostly silent, smiling at me every once in a while. He was busy with his phone, though every once in a while he would talk or joke around with Namjoon. They made me talk about my career plans, my JYPE contract (or what I was allowed to disclose of it so far), and my dream gigs. "I'm excited for you, jinjja." Namjoon said, smiling warmly at me, his dimples looking aggressively beautiful up close. I thanked him before finishing my bottle.

A few minutes later, Manager Jonghan started pouring tequila shots again for everyone. I'd like to think that I've gotten so familiar with the hard drink in question since my own brother taught me how to drink it. I placed a small amount of salt at the back of my hand where my thumb and my index finger meet. Then I took a piece of lime and held the shot glass with my right hand. "Okay, I hate tequila, but I'm taking this shot for BTS. Cheers!" I announced, downing the tequila shot, licking the salt off my hand and then immediately sucking on the lime. A few more shots and I was sure I'd be regretting everything the next morning.

"Are you alright?" Namjoon asked, seeing me grimace after the shot.

"Ugh, I hate it." I said, laughing despite the aftertaste. "But I did it for you, okay? So don't forget me when I'm gone."

"I don't think I'll ever be able to forget that," He muttered, shaking his head slightly. I threw my head back laughing. I didn't mean for that to look so seductive, let alone memorable. But it had been a while since we've seen each other in an intoxicated state and frankly I'm more than glad that I finally got to let loose after such a long time of being locked up on my own volition. "So, when are you leaving?" He asked.

"You're leaving?!" Suga interjected, which got me and Namjoon to finally look at him.

"Yeah, I'm leaving for Hong Kong soon."

"Wae?"

"I'm... Well let's just say I'm going to DJ School." I answered, smiling brightly at him. He nodded, lips formed into a cute pout. I spoke to him while I was starting out with my DJ career and though those conversations were mostly online and few and far in between, I somehow felt that he'd be sad to know that I will be gone for a while. Suga nudged Namjoon and whispered something in his ear. They talked quietly for a bit, and I couldn't overhear them because the managers were talking loudly to me. Manager Jonghan was obviously too drunk already, what with the random touches to my back and my shoulders. I felt a light tap on my shoulder. "Ne?" I asked, turning to Namjoon.

He motioned for me to come closer so I scooted beside him. He wrapped his arm around me casually. Really smooth. "Love, can I tell you something?" Namjoon asked, a hesitant smile painted on his makeup-free face.

"What is it?" I smiled at him. Even when we're sitting down, Namjoon seemed way taller than me, and his lean torso looked strangely sexier in black.

"In case we don't see each other again, or in case it takes a while for us to meet again, I just want you to know that I have a major crush on you. I'm not saying that for anything, I just..." He was gesticulating so badly with his left hand, and his eyes were flitting from me to his hand, and his cheeks were so awkwardly red. All of these, combined with my repressed emotions, made me laugh so hard. He just looked at me with a fond smile.

"I know. Jackson made you say it remember?" I felt a pang of pain in my chest when his name slipped from my lips. It had been a while since I've seen him too. "Thanks for the honesty, I really appreciate it. But I don't think it's right for us to... You know... Whatever..."

"No, I totally know. But, like, Suga here... He just told me that I might need to be honest now because I might never get to say it at all... He knows me well, I'm a coward like that." He scratched at the invisible itch at the back of his head and bit his lower lip shyly after that.

"Well it's not like we'll never see each other again!" I took a swig of my beer, licked my lips and sighed. "I mean, I'm sure you'll still go to Hong Kong for MAMA and for concerts and stuff like that. I promise I'll watch every single one of those and since I'm an ARMY, I insist on paying for my own tickets now." Namjoon laughed when I said that and I did too though I was totally serious. Actually, it was their fans who concluded that I'm part of the fandom because they noticed that I liked using BTS songs for my gigs. I couldn't really tell them that at least 40% of the music stems I have came from Rap Monster and Suga themselves, along with some Big Hit producers who I became friends with throughout the year. I do like their music though, more than I'd ever care to admit.

"Okay, then does that mean you're willing to go out on a date with me in Hong Kong?" He asked, both eyebrows raised. His shy smile transformed into a determined grin, and the transition from Namjoon to Rap Monster surprised me so much that it got me blinking.

"Don't... Don't push it," I chuckled. "I still think it's a bad idea."

"Dating me?"

"No, dating idols in general." I clarified with a slight scoff. Just then Manager Jonghan, whose face was getting redder as time passed, proposed another round of tequila shots. He slammed his shot glass in front of me, spilling most of its contents. "Ne, oppa?" I asked as he offered his hand to me.

"Sarang-ah, since you're leaving us soon, would you give us the honor of a body shot?! Just let all of us lick salt off your skin, just this once." He said while helping me stand up, raising one finger to me, and coming closer dangerously. My heart started beating fast and my eyes flickered from his to Manager Sejin to Namjoon to Suga. They all seemed so unsure as they received their shots from Sang Min.

"Hanbeon man. Jinjja hanbeon man." [Just this once. Really, just this once.] He added, grinning. I felt the air in the room thinning, and it took me longer to answer.

"Hyung—" Namjoon was about to say something but Manager Jonghan held out his hand rudely to stop the other man from talking. Suga was eyeing me questioningly, perhaps wondering what I was thinking, or feeling. If I had been scared, I probably didn't show it enough, because Manager Sejin started snickering as if we were all in a gag show. I looked around and found everyone else in the room, except for Suga, smiling as they waited for my answer. I'm safe, right? This is a safe place after all...

"A-araso, araso..." I said, laughing nervously as I took my tequila shot straight up, not bothering to chase it with salt or lime. I felt like I needed liquid courage as I took the salt shaker. Sang Min, Boss Min Hoo's daughter who I only met now, volunteered to go first. We were both giggling as she pointed to my wrist and I willingly sprinkled salt on that area.

The managers howled when Sang Min's tongue made contact with my skin after taking her shot. Rap Monster shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Suga was just so out of it, busy looking at his phone while the other men watched Sang Min suck on the lime. Manager Jonghan stood not long after, and had taken his position in front of me. He pushed my hair back and held my chin, tilted my head sideways, sprinkled salt liberally on my shoulder and on the base of my neck. My heart pounded in my chest as my eyes locked with Namjoon's. Deep inside I was silently asking for help. I don't want this. I don't want this.

"Ah—Jam ka man yo... [Wait a second...]" Namjoon interrupted.

"No, this will be quick. Let me just—"

"Eh! Namjoonie, long time no see!" A booming voice made all of us freeze. It was the unmistakable Cali Boy tone that stirred me to action. I spun around to face Mark as he entered the room with JB, Sheen, and Jun tailing behind him. I felt salt falling down the cracks of my shirt as Mark came closer. He went straight to Namjoon who stood up to give the man a hug, a look of relief flashing on his face. Mark gave Suga a quick brofist before turning to me and Manager Jonghan. "Oh! Are we doing body shots?!" He said, wrapping his arm protectively around my waist. I threw a fretful look at the older man and despite their age difference I saw the fear in the manager's eyes. He took a step back and offered the shot to Mark with fake rousing and a hesitant smile before taking his seat beside Manager Sejin. Frankly, my heart has not stopped beating fast. Mark held me securely as he surveyed my neck, flecks of salt still on my skin. "Well, I guess I'll have to take this body shot then, yeah?" He said.

There was a fire in Mark's eyes that seemed familiar. Perhaps it was jealousy, or anger because I managed to put myself into this situation. Perhaps it was sadness, or even worry. I nodded at him. "Yeah, sure..." I answered, loud enough for the people in the room to hear, loud enough for them to understand that I trusted Mark more.

Mark took the shot in one swig and grimaced when the alcohol glided down his throat, his fingers gripping my side harder. Then he went straight to the side of my neck and swiped a flat tongue expertly from the base of my neck upwards. Just the way I like it. I sighed heavily against his ear, eyelashes fluttering. I bit my lower lip to prevent a moan from escaping. He started leaving wet kisses from my neck down to my chest, stopping just below my collarbone. He finished by placing the slice of lime in between my teeth, making a show of him sucking on it, our lips brushing as my fingers travel to his shoulder. I pushed him away a few seconds later.

The room fell silent.

Mark's eyes roamed around the room, sharp gaze meeting everyone else's, as if they needed reminding that they should never cross his territory. Our eyes met and we started laughing, the two of us. Thankfully everyone laughed along and spoke over each other to mask the awkwardness that permeated. As if to prove his point further, Mark sat beside Namjoon as the laughter died down. Then he pulled me along and demanded that I sit on his lap. The force of his grip and the strength of his fingers around my wrist assaulted my senses, jolting me from my drunken, lost state. As soon as I fell on Mark's lap, I pushed him a little and moved away, sitting beside him instead. "I didn't know you guys were meeting up, I should've come sooner! It's a good thing Sheen and Suga told me about it!" Mark said confidently in a language he knew Rap Monster would understand anyway.

"Yeah, it was kind of a last minute thing." Namjoon answered, waving a hand dismissively before addressing me in my awkward position. "So how long have you guys been dating?" He casually inquired, a dark shade filtering his once fond gaze.

"We're not dating," I clarified, despite Mark's arm snaking around my waist. "We're..."

"Friends." Mark finished, staring so hard I felt like I was going to break. When he spoke a fresh wave of passive-aggressiveness seeped through the cracks of his voice. "We're just really, REALLY close, you know? Because she's like... She's like my sister. She's such a strong woman but I'm just... I can't help but feel like I need to be very protective of her. You know what I mean?" He turned to Namjoon just as he said those last words. "She's all alone here in Seoul... Like me... I know she doesn't like it most of the time but she needs OUR protection... Especially from people who want to take advantage of her." The younger rapper nodded slightly, choosing to take a sip of his drink instead of answering Mark directly.

I knew that the managers didn't really understand what he said and judging from the commotion at the other end of the table it seemed that Sang Min and Boss Min Hoo didn't understand a thing too. But Sheen listened intently from her seat in between JB and Suga. Suga had been staring blankly at his drink but I did notice that his grip got tighter. Jun eyed us warily from the door. I felt so small as I sat there, fingers shaking as I held onto my bottle of beer. I felt the cold air blowing against the patch of wet skin that Mark licked and I shivered. I wished I could disappear into thin air. Because it would've been a fun sight without me in the picture.

"Okay, well... I'm not gonna pretend like I'm here to party. I'm just here to pick up Love. She has a shoot scheduled tomorrow and she's way past her bedtime." Sheen said, smiling brightly. She shook hands with the people in the room as Mark and I stood up with him instinctively taking my hand. I bowed to everyone politely and left the room without looking at anyone in the eye except for Namjoon. I'm sorry, Namjoon. Sheen and Jun followed quietly behind us. JB decided to stay with Namjoon and Suga for a bit to clean up the mess we made, possibly to clarify a thing or two.

Mark didn't let go even as we got into the backseat and bid goodbye to Jun. He didn't let go even as Sheen drove my car in silence. He didn't let go even after we got off the elevator. The only time he decided to let go of my hand was when he was finally undressing me, finally taking his stuffy clothes off, finally fumbling for a condom from the bedside table.

We didn't talk much. But we fucked in all the ways we both liked. Every thrust felt foreign and familiar all at the same time. Every labored breath and every moan sent a dull pain into my heart. He didn't call me Baby. Called me by my name. And I called him by his name too. We came like animals, rutting breathless with eyes open, both of us.

Then we both ended up lying on our backs, wide-eyed and staring at the ceiling for God knows how long. The pillows got wet at some point. The soiled sheets felt stiffer. The skins we lived in felt raw. He was gone before daybreak, and he took a lot of things with him, including my peace of mind.

*Flashforward*

"So that's it?! You had crazy passionate sex and you both felt nothing afterwards and when you woke up his clothes were gone, his toothbrush went missing, and he texted to tell you that you should change your door's pass code? That was how he said goodbye?!" Liv growls as she forcefully closes my second luggage. She came in last night from her San Francisco business trip to help me with my "major move" and today she decided to repack all of the things I'm bringing to Hong Kong in the "Marie Kondo fashion" while I lay weakly in bed with fresh clothes and wet hair.

"Yeah..."

"Well, I can't believe I'm about to say this but damn... Mark Tuan is a jerk!"

"He's a fine-looking jerk, though."

"Oh, fuck off, will you?!"

"Wish I could."

"Christ, Love, you sound so pathetic. I want to slap your face and tell you to move on but I'm too jetlagged to do that." Liv angrily zips the bag close. I laugh in spite of myself. I've been crying and drinking for days since that night and yet here I am, laughing sardonically. "You're gonna be fine. He's a good fuck, and maybe a good friend too, but you BOTH decided to end it, right? And now you have a cool job that allows you to party at some random part of the earth. That's enough of a consolation, eh?" She huffs while moving my well-packed, securely-locked suitcase to the corner of the room. I'm leaving South Korea in a few weeks but I still have a shit ton of prepping to do. I sit up and Liv sits on the bed beside me. "You're going to be okay. Maybe someday, you two can be friends again. Like, real friends." She adds before kissing the top of my head.

I lay my head on Olivia's thigh. She's my best friend in the whole world. She rubs my back as tears start streaming down my face again, creating a pool on Liv's denim jeans. "I'm sorry I'm crying again. I promise this will be the last of it. I promise." I sob. It's a lot more painful knowing that I just lost a friend. It's the worst kind of break-up anyone could ever go through. I still remember every single detail.

We got back from Callabooze and we fucked. And Mark came inside me, and kissed me hard, and laid beside me, and he said, "Tell me we're going to be okay. It's okay if you say you don't love me back, I can take it. But at least tell me we're going to be okay... Even as friends..."

At that point I started crying, but he didn't make a move to comfort me. He just laid there, looking at the ceiling, naked except for the blanket that he covered both of us with, the same damn blanket I cocooned myself in a few days after. The only things I said were, "You will be okay, and I will be okay."

We never spoke after that.

I woke up with a half-empty bed after that.

"I'll be okay..." I repeat, more to myself than to Liv. I dry my tears with my sleeves, sniff, and fix my hair before standing up. "Now help me wash these dirty sheets. Have I told you we both came on that spot you're sitting on?!"

"Eww!" Liv screeches, and I laugh. We scramble off the bed to finally... finally wash the linens.