012:"I can't stop thinking about you."

for Polkie2

Emma sat on the edge of the bed and stared at the letter that had her name inked on it in elegant script.

She'd found it, and several others all inscribed to her, by complete accident while searching for her own box of memories. They'd been contained in a small, plain wooden box that had fallen down from the closet shelf and burst open as soon as it hit the floor. Naturally, seeing her name she'd gathered them all up and now she didn't know what to do.

Open them – or not?

On the one hand, it was clearly Killian's handwriting on the letters - but surely he would've given them to her if he'd wanted her to read them?

On the other hand, they were addressed to her, so…

Curiosity won out and she turned over the one she held. Breaking open the wax seal, she unfolded the paper and saw that it was dated a few weeks after the curse had been broken and he'd been sent back to the Enchanted Forest. Intrigued at what he had written during their year apart, she began to read.

"My Dearest Emma,

May I call you that?

I know I've not earned the right but, perhaps, since we are never to see each other again, you'll allow me to put to paper that which you were not ready to hear.

For even though you'll never remember my last promise to you before we parted, I still kept my word. There's not a day that's gone by when I haven't thought of you. Sometimes at night I even see you in my dreams – visions of what might have been, in another time, another realm. If I had been a different person.

I imagine that you and Henry have settled into your new life now. Are you happy there, Emma?

Because that was all I ever wanted for you. Your happiness. For a short while I had hoped that I, too, might have been a part of that for you one day. I know now that it was never meant to be.

Perhaps it is for the best. As you were fond of reminding me, I am a pirate after all and that will never change. Indeed, upon my return here, I wasted no time in going back to my former ways. I thought that the familiarity of this life was just what I needed to distract myself from having to face up to the many changes those last few weeks in Storybrooke and Neverland had wrought.

But it didn't work. I found that my heart was no longer in it. How could it be, when it is with you?

I don't even have the Crocodile as a diversion. Now he is vanquished it only adds to the growing dissatisfaction that gnaws away inside of me. My vengeance was all consuming and it's fuelled me for so long that, without it, I'm not certain of who I am any more.

All I do know is that I must find another way to live my life. While reclaiming my ship recently, I did something that does not sit well with me at all. It is my burden to bear, but it made me realise that I no longer want to go back – I wish to move forward. See what kind of man I can be.

And that, my love, is because of knowing you.

I want to become someone that you would have, in the fullness of time, gladly called a friend – maybe even more.

I don't expect it to be easy. I daresay I shall make mistakes along the way, but I will get there in the end, Emma, of that I am certain. I am determined.

I must bring this missive to an end now. Smee has just informed me that we are nearing our port for the evening and I must go on deck to take the wheel. Like you and your boy, it is a new realm and, I hope, a new beginning.

Yours always,

Killian.

Emma carefully folded the letter and looked down at all the others that were in the box with a pained frown. She hadn't thought about that year she'd lost her memories in a long while. She and Killian were married now and they'd recently found out that she was expecting their first child. But reading that letter had suddenly made her very aware that, apart from what happened with Ariel, he'd never really talked about that time except in the vaguest of terms.

And here was the perfect opportunity to learn more.

She grabbed another letter and broke the seal. That one led to another and then another. Avidly she read, devouring every word, her heart aching for him as his loneliness, his determination and his unwavering devotion to her all leapt off the pages as he worked towards being better just because he wanted to.

Perhaps the biggest surprise was when she learned that he'd been on his way back to seek out her mother and father. He'd hoped to join them, where before he'd walked away. It was while he was making the voyage back to the Enchanted Forest that he'd received the potion meant for her. His joy at having the opportunity to see her again was marred only by the reason he was being charged with his mission.

She'd just finished reading that particular letter when a familiar voice made her jump in surprise.

"I wondered what was taking you so long."

Emma let out a startled gasp and looked up to see Killian standing in the doorway, leaning against the wooden frame.

"I..." she began, trying to think of a plausible excuse. One guilty glance at the opened letters strewn all over the bed soon put paid to that tactic however. "I...found these," she finished lamely.

"So I see."

He straightened up and sauntered into the room, his expression unreadable as he came to a halt in front of her. He reached out and took the letter she held, then opened it up to scan the contents before silently handing it back.

"Are you angry?" she asked hesitantly, unsure of his reaction.

He raised a brow, genuinely surprised that she would think so.

"No. They're yours."

"But you didn't actually give them to me," she pointed out wryly.

He smiled at that, then shrugged his shoulders.

"Only because, at first, there was never a good time and then, once we were together, there just didn't seem the need. You knew how I felt."

Emma smiled back at him.

"I did," she agreed. "I do."

"I know." Using his hook, he pushed aside a couple of the papers that littered the bed then sat down next to her. "That's why I left the chest where I knew you'd find it eventually," he revealed as he took her hand brought it to his lips for a brief kiss. "You never could resist a good mystery, love."

Emma's mouth dropped open at his not so subtle implication.

"Wait - are you saying that I'm nosey?" she asked him, incredulously.

"More...endearingly curious," he replied, with a quick grin. "It's one of the many things I love about you."

Before she could reply, he leaned in and gave her a tender, lingering kiss. One wasn't enough though. Soon they were wrapped in each others arms and Killian manoeuvred her gently down to lay on the bed.

"The letters," she muttered in protest as the paper crackled beneath her.

"I'll write you more," he assured her, peppering heated little kisses along her jawline and neck.

"You will?" she asked, gasping softly when he nipped gently at her collarbone then began moving down her body.

"Every day," he promised in between deftly working the buttons of her top apart and kissing each new piece of skin he exposed.

"Every day? With the lives we lead?" she queried a little breathlessly, lifting her hips so that he could pull her pants down and off.

He paused a moment and looked down at her smiling face with a faint frown. "You're right. Better make it once a week," he decided before grinning and going back to stoking the flames of her passion.

Emma laughed but her mirth soon gave way to groans, then eventually cries of pleasure as they consummated their love.

It was a couple of mornings later when she came into their bedroom after having a shower and found the first letter. It was short and incredibly sweet and after she folded it carefully up again, she placed it in the box with all the others. Creased though they were, crumpled in some cases, she'd refused to allow him to throw any away.

Over the years, she needed more boxes to hold all the letters he wrote for her. Some happy, some sad. Some short, some long. But no matter what happened, they were always loving and he never missed a week until the end of his days.