Julie and Severus sat in front of fireplace and were silent for a long time. Severus had had a difficult day today, his temper had been extremely irritated before lunch, something the students had experienced during the afternoon lessons. Extra essay's and detention had been the result, and not only for the Gryffindor's. This time every house had been affected equally - even the students from Slytherin. But unlike other times, today Severus had sent the students, who had received a detention, to Filch. A deed that Julie could not quite understand.

"Why did you send them to Filch?" Julie asked, and shattered Severus' thoughts. "The students who received detention today," she explained as he glanced at her questioningly. "Why did you send them to him?"

Severus raised an eyebrow and looked at her with a tired expression, then he nodded slowly as if he were lost in thought, "Have you ever had to serve detention with Filch?" he asked.

"No," replied Julie. "I was allowed to serve my detention in your presence," she reminded him.

Severus looked at her and his smile turned into a grin, "You were lucky. It's worse than detention with me," he explained.

"Really?," she asked.

"Yes, I speak from experience, and my detention with Filch was far more than twenty years ago. He has perfected all his practices, which were already disgusting at that time."

While this fact seemed to amuse Severus, Julie wondered what Filch's practices were. A shiver ran down her spine and Julie suddenly had the strong desire to change the subject.

"Have you always wanted to be a teacher," she inquired.

Severus looked up, surprised by her question. His thoughtful gaze lingered on her for a moment before he reached for his cup and leaned back in the arm-chair. His eyes found hers.

"Well, I've always been very inquisitive," he began, "That's why I've been studying all the time. At the end of a day, I was never satisfied with what I had learned. I often spent most of my nights reading secretly in the common room. In books, which I had removed from the library with and without permission." A smile appeared on his face when he saw Julie's incredulous expression.

"So you did not always follow the rules," she formulated her thoughts as positively as possible while she wriggled her eyebrows at him.

Severus chuckled and then shook his head, thoughtful, as he reveled in reminiscences. Slowly, the smile disappeared from his face.

"My mother had no work and my father .. ," Severus paused, his expression was serious and depressed." My father had work that was badly paid. We saw little of the money he earned. He spent it mainly on alcohol."

His gaze was now fixed on his hands, which had previously held his cup. Now they were clasped tightly around his knees, which he had pulled against his body. Severus frowned and put his feet back on the ground. His gaze was filled with uncertainty as he looked at Julie, who watched him.

She did not reply his words, neither did she comment on his body language, which he had not been aware of. Her eyes were filled with understanding, her expression kind. Severus breathed heavily and swallowed hard before he continued.

"The problems were inevitable, not only at home, but also at school, on the street, wherever I went, everywhere I was laughed at and mocked." His voice was filled with bitterness and he was silent for a moment, seemingly absorbed in memories. Then he looked at her again. "It is difficult, if there is no place where one feels protected, where one can retreat and find rest. Deprived of this possibility, I had no choice but to withdraw myself, to hide. It did not take away the pain, but it made it duller, more bearable." He inhaled deeply and stared at her, his brows furrowed.

"At that time in my life, this was in my eyes the best thing I could do. The only thing that ensured my survival, not only physically, but also mentally, emotionally... It is easier to seal yourself off than to be strong enough to withstand the enormous pressure. I have done this successfully, and I am today of the opinion that I should have done it much earlier. Those wounds ..." he said almost inaudibly, "..are very deep and still hurt. It's a burning ache, unpleasant and dark. I know that I have to accept those wounds in order to deal with them, but I do not know how I would react if I did."

Severus stared at the fire and the silence between them felt heavy.

"Well, the lack of money meant that I could not buy the books that I wanted to read, so I found other ways to get them. One of them was the library here in Hogwarts. I, of course, also removed literature, which the students aren't allowed to read," he said, and suddenly grinned.

"Were you in the forbidden part of the library," Julie asked, knowing that she already knew the answer to her question.

"Constantly," Severus confessed, and it almost seemed as if a faint blush appeared on his cheeks if her eyes did not deceive her.

"At first secretly, without the knowledge of others, but from a certain point no more."

"What happened?" Julie asked excitedly, shifting closer to him.

"As incredible as it sounds, Filch caught me in the act," Severus looked annoyed when he thought of Argus. "He took me to Albus and grinned like an idiot because he knew I would be punished. To his displeasure, however, Albus sent him away. Albus allowed me to read certain literature. With every year that I grew older, I was allowed to read more books that were not permitted for students. He even gave me these books himself."

"That was very nice of him," Julie remarked. "After all, Albus could have gotten into trouble for doing so."

Severus shook his head, "You're so naive," he said. "Albus does not do anything for free and without reason. He is very cunning. Albus always has deeper motives, no matter what he does. He said at that time that if he would gain any benefit from me having this knowledge, I would have to help him if he'd need my help. I was very naive and thought, what could he want? How could I help him? So I agreed." Severus chuckled darkly, "He made use of this deal very quickly, of course."

"And that would be," Julie asked curiously.

"When I became a death eater," he paused and tried to read her reaction, "I became not only a follower of Voldemort, but I became the informant of Albus as well."

"This was terribly dangerous," commented Julie.

"Of course, this was my death sentence. To be a death eater seemed to me at the time something special. I had thought that by my decision I would find myself on the safe side. I was highly gifted, intelligent, qualities which made me very useful. But never before had I thought that Voldemort would see a danger in precisely these qualities. I was young and just like you, naive. I did not think very far in advance, and could not yet understand the plans of the dark Lord."

"Instead of finding myself on the safe side, I suddenly stood between the two sides, on a knife's edge, balancing every moment of my life between heaven and hell, between happiness and suffering, life and death, and it didn't take long before I realized that the safe side for me would have been in reality the other side. I had already cursed my agreement with Albus at this time countless times. I was disappointed when I understood that he had used me back then. He is very sly, our Albus. Just like Voldemort, he, too, always used me. With him, too, I quickly understood that I was merely a doll, who danced to his instructions. Instructions that were constantly changing, depending on the mood in which he was."

"I found myself in a situation from which there was no going back. It was a dilemma I could not escape from. I was forced to be perfect from one moment to another, in every respect. I could not make mistakes. Only a single misstep would have meant my death."

Severus had noticed her questioning glance, and nodded, "Yes, I've provoked it, not just once. There were moments when I did not want to live like this anymore; there were moments when the thought of death seemed so redeeming, that I wanted to seize the chance at once. But every time I decided to put a end to my life, it did not work out."

Severus chuckled and leaned his head against the backrest and stared at the ceiling. "Voldemort, this cruel fellow, he himself was suddenly forgiving, and considered my failures and misdemeanors as not worth mentioning, and I did not understand why, until a certain day." Severus glanced at Julie "After he sent away all the other followers, he took me aside and told me that he hated my suicidal intentions and that I was a miserable coward."

"He knew your intentions," Julie asked.

"Julie, I'm perfect in my field, I'm not making any mistakes. I could deceive the others, but not Voldemort. He immediately understood my intentions and tolerated my idiotic deeds for a short time, but he needed me," Severus answered the question which burned in Julie's mind. "He had huge plans for which he absolutely needed me, and he knew this. When I understood this, I felt momentarily safe, but knew, that if he had realized his plans, he would not be dependent on me anymore. He would immediately eliminate me."

Julie swallowed hard and Severus took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry, I'm straying from the subject, back to your question. After I had acquired all this knowledge, I had the desire to pass it on, not only because knowledge was valuable, but also because I knew that Voldemort was planning things that were really bad. I always hoped to find a successor for myself, not in Voldemort's circles, but here, in Hogwarts."

"One does not always get the impression that you like what you do."

Severus nodded, "I know, but I was not always so extreme," he said, pausing, "I like to be a teacher. But I can not handle the stupidity of many students. "

"Some students are really having trouble with certain topics. Severus, each student is different, everyone has different strengths and weaknesses, would you deal with your children the same way if they do not understand something immediately?"

Their eyes met and they stared at each other.

"I was not always the same as I am now," he assured her and sighed in defeat. "Well, if I'm honest, I've always been like that. I was mocked during my school days, they were making fun of me, starting from my clothes, my hair, teeth, second handbooks ... At some point, I became who I am today." He sighed deeply and ran his finger through his black hair. His gaze was pointed to the ground. "I use this as an excuse. I've become what I am today because I've decided to be like that," he confessed. "No, I..., I would not deal with my children like that."

"I've always had a great interest to the dark arts of magic. I've got it to this day, and somehow I got to the point in my life where I could not go any further, and I wanted to take revenge. I wanted to take revenge on those who had made my life hell. It was my spur to be stronger than others to pay them back. At the time, however, I was already entangled. I was well on my way to become a dark wizard."

"I wanted this. No one had to persuade me. There was no going back anyway. Bullying was not the only driving force. Rather, it was an original interest which I ultimately followed. It is the rage that I have on myself, bundled with rage, from my youth. I revenge myself on life, which has done me nothing. For it was I who shaped this life, my life, by my decisions, by the errors which I have committed. Everyone I've met has done the same, everyone has made their own personal choices, but I've always blamed life for my choices."

"Like others, I also consciously made my decisions, often unaware of the consequences. But I was the one who made the decisions, and I have always suffered from the choices I've made. I carry a lot of self-hatred in me, which is why I do not care much about myself, neither about my soul's needs, nor about those of my body."

"I was bullied a lot, but you also have to know that I was never squeamish when it came to paying someone back. I was neither a victim, nor was I innocent. I was on the receiving end, but I can really dish it out. And that's what I did, that's what I still do. Often to students, who had nothing to do with my choices, with my past."

Severus fell silent and watched her closely before he spoke again. "Do you have something to say?" he asked cautiously.

Julie looked at him in surprise and turned her eyes to the flames, which danced wildly in the fireplace. Severus sudden willingness to share even more details of his past with her, had surprised her greatly. After a day like this, she would have expected a lot, but not that Severus would open up. What could she tell him? She turned her full attention to Severus, who looked expectantly at her. But the uncertainty, which was visible in his dark eyes did not escape her attention.

"Well, I think your point of view is very good. It is good that you are honest with yourself. I also think that it's not just about dealing with your past. You have to accept it, just like you have to accept the wounds you are carrying. Allow them to be there and continue to live your life."

"If an injustice happens to us, then there are several ways to deal with it. Either we will do the same as those, who have inflicted the injustice to us. Then we think, oh, this has happened to me and because of this I can not act differently and will give back what I've received. I have not experienced love, so I can not give love. That means that we choose this as the reality of our life, and ultimately it will bring us suffering."

"Or we say, I've had to experience this, and I know how bad it is to be in such a situation. So I will do everything I can to avoid to do the same. Then we strive to jump over our shadows. In your case, I think that your shadow, the shadow over which you have to jump, is very, very long, Severus. You have not yet overcome it, yet you have chosen the second, the more difficult path. You have begun to give something, that you - judging your words - have never received yourself. You never really received love. Still, you give me love. That you have never experienced this yourself does not mean that you are incapable of loving. And I've practically been a stranger to you. If this is possible, you can share this feeling with others too. You can trust others."

"No," he said, sounding very tense, "I can not. I do not want .."

".. to be hurt," Julie finished his sentence with a gentle voice. "I understand that. I feel the same way as you do in this aspect. But we have Poppy and my parents. We do not need to worry about them, you can practice with them. You can trust them. One does not need many friends and real friends are not only hard to come by, they are often few in number. But they are there. And some day we shall have children, whom you will love and trust."

Severus looked panicked and his hands clenched to fists as he leaned back in his arm-chair, his posture tense.

"I have suspected for a long time, that this thought worries you. But it is something that will happen naturally. I can not say much about it because I do not know much and I certainly lack experience, but I can tell you that you will not be like your father."

An oppressive silence fell over them, and Julie watched Severus, who sat rigidly in the arm-chair and stared into the flames. "How can you be so sure," he finally asked, looking at her.

"Do you treat me the way your father treated your mother?" she asked. Severus had not talked about this aspect of his past yet, but Julie could guess a lot.

He shook his head, his answer almost drowned in the crackle of the fire, "No."

"Why not?" she asked cautiously.

Severus swallowed hard, "Because I love you."

"You see, just as you love me, you will also love our children. They will not be strangers, but something that was created by us," Julie pointed at Severus and then at herself, "Created by our love."

Severus stared at her, his expression unreadable, his body motionless. After an incredibly long moment of silence, he leaned his head back and stared at the ceiling again.

Julie watched him and wondered what was going on in his head. There was so much more she wanted to tell him, but she couldn't. She knew that a huge turmoil had erupted in him, and decided to be silent and wait what would happen next. Severus needed this moment for reflection.

Her eyes fell on the clock, which hung on the wall behind Severus. He had been sitting motionless for over an hour now, and she wondered if he had fallen asleep, since he had closed his eyes long ago. She leaned over the armrest and reached for the bag of chocolate. Julie placed it on her lap and took two chocolate frogs. When she'd unwrapped the first one, she suddenly noticed Severus' hand that reached for the chocolate frog. He took it, moved his arm-chair closer to hers and began to eat.

"Your point was good," he said quietly, and reached for the bag of chocolate. Lost in thoughts, he unwrapped another chocolate frog and handed it to Julie, who watched him.

"I wondered if it really will be like you say. The best way to find out is to experience this kind of situation."

"You can do it," Julie encouraged him. "You have made so many experiences in your life."

"Have I," he asked, looking at her with raised eyebrows.

"Yes. And you are intelligent."

"Hmm," he hummed amused.

"Yes, of course, and you are strong. And I do not mean your physical strength," she explained.

"I thought so," he replied, grinning.

"You are.."

".. Severus," he suddenly finished her sentence. "I am Severus. And before you ask, I'm anxious to find out what that means."