Chapter Fifty Three

Open up next to you and my secrets become your truth
And the distance between that was sheltering me comes in full view
Hang my head, break my heart built from all I have torn apart
And my burden to bear is a love I can't carry anymore

Breathe Again by Sara Bareilles


Sometimes the hardest part isn't letting go, it's learning to start over – Nicole Sobon


"You ready?" Steve asked as he put the car into park. Emily could feel her parents watching her from the back seat as she took a deep breath and nodded. Her dad reached over the seat and squeezed her shoulder as Steve hurried around the car to open her door.

"It'll all be over soon," he assured her before getting out himself.

Steve held out a hand for her once the door was open, and she paused a moment to collect herself. Her hands were shaking in her lap, twisting Steve's handkerchief into knots, and tears were gathering in her eyes. "Emily?" She didn't say anything as she took his hand and allowed him to help her from the car; Em bit her lip when the stitches pulled. Her doctors had allowed her to be discharged from the hospital the day before, but only after they'd given her prescriptions for pain, anxiety, antibiotics, as well as something for the headaches and nausea that had been plagued her for the last few days – Dr. Nadar had explained it had to due with the change in her hormone levels, and to help her sleep.

Their mismatched group spilled out from the cars that followed, and they milled about, speaking in hushed tones. "Honey? You wanna go get your seat?" her mother asked. Emily tried to speak around the lump in her throat when but found it impossible, so she nodded. Caroline took her daughter's hand and led her up the path to where the hearse was waiting, with Steve, Matt, Lauren, Tuck, Sharon, and Carter close behind. Further back, Steve's teammates – sans Thor, who had returned to Asgard with his brother – and Pepper led the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents that had come.

They stood silently as the pallbearers removed the casket and marched towards the grave, watched by visitors to Arlington. As they positioned it over the lowering mechanism, Steve saluted along with the Army non-commissioned officer and chaplain. When everyone was seated, the men smoothed the flag draped over the casket, and the chaplain approached the group. After clearing his throat, the young man spoke.

"Thank you for coming to this committal service for Specialist Garrett O'Connell. The hallowed stones that you see throughout the entire cemetery today are memorials for the men and women who have answered the call for their country, to defend our nation, our Constitution, and our very way of life. There are more than 300,000 memorials in this sacred place, and each one represents the story of a life of service and sacrifice, and each one has earned the right to be laid to rest in this most sacred place." Emily gripped Caroline and Steve's hands tightly as he began to speak of Garrett's life and military service. She fought back a sob when he told how Garrett had grown up wanting to be in the military, and joined to defend what he believed in. He talked about Garrett's tours in Iraq and Afghanistan, and the medals he'd earned and lives he'd saved during his missions as a paratrooper. The Chaplin briefly mentioned his career at S.H.I.E.L.D before finishing, stating that Garrett had died a hero, protecting the woman he loved.

Unable to bear seeing the casket again, Emily looked down at her lap. The black material of her dress sat higher on her legs than she usually would have deemed funeral appropriate, but there hadn't been time to go purchase another. She'd dug through her closet and come up with only one option: the one she'd worn to Garrett's earlier funeral.

It was easier to concentrate on that, rather than what was going on. Because she couldn't go through this again.

When they stood, Emily felt Steve place a steadying hand on her lower back. The order was given to Present arms, and Steve's hand dropped as he saluted with the Army NCO. Three shots rang out before 'Taps' began. Emily felt a Tuck hand's touch her shoulder as she shook with suppressed sobs. When the last note faded, she collapsed into the chair and Steve and Carol were quick to comfort her. She couldn't watch as they folded the flag – taking the time to explain what each fold meant before tucking in some of the bullet casings from Garrett's gun salute – and passed it to the senior pallbearer. Instead, Emily tried to prepare herself. When she heard 'Right face', she knew it was imminent as the eight men marched away. She looked up to watch them salute the flag, and then he was in front of her, kneeling to meet her eyes.

"On behalf of the President of the United States and the people of a grateful nation, may I present this flag as a token of appreciation for the honorable and faithful service your loved one rendered this nation," the NCO said. Emily took the flag and pressed it to her chest.

"Thank you," she whispered. He stood and saluted. And then it was over.

Emily knew that she should thank them for the beautiful service. Garrett had been given more military honors this time. She knew that he would have laughed at that, his second funeral being more extravagant than the first. But she couldn't speak. She didn't want to talk to anyone. Steve handled it for her, just like he'd handled everything else for her.

Instead, she sat still, looking at the flag now resting on her knees. Vaguely, she heard her mother asking is she was ready to leave, but she ignored her. Emily knew that she'd have to get it to Garrett's parents somehow. They deserved to have the actual flag that had draped over their son's casket. But how was she going to tell them about this? She'd barely been able to tell her own parents, and what little they knew was mostly given in whispered conversations with Steve as she pretended to sleep.

"Ready?" Steve asked, crouching down in front of her. He reached up and brushed a tear from her cheek before tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. Emily nodded and held the flag to her chest as he helped her stand and guided her down the path back to the cars. When they arrived, she bit the inside of her wobbling lip as the other mourners came to give their condolences.

Pepper hugged her hard, her eyes somewhat red as she told her that it was a beautiful service. Tony embraced her and nodded.

Natasha squeezed her hand and said she was sorry for her loss.

Clint, with his sunglasses over his eyes and jaw set, hadn't been able to say anything, but had grasped her shoulder.

Bruce shook her hand.

Phil, leaning heavily on a cane, placed a hand on her shoulder and told her that Garrett was a good soldier. He, like she, was sporting half healed wounds from the Battle, and winced when she hugged him.

Carter pulled her towards him and gave her a bone-crushing hug before kissing her temple. He'd come to see her every day, making sure that Em had everything and anything she wanted.

Sharon hesitated, her eyes red and swollen, until Emily reached out to pull her into a hug. If anyone understood what she was going through right now, Sharon would.

The agents who had been friends of Garrett's milled around before coming to speak to her in small groups. They would introduce themselves, and more often than not, tell some small antidote about Garr on a mission or something he'd said about her.

When the grounds keeper came to speak to them about what else needed to be done, Steve squeezed her hand and went to take care of it, along with Matthew. Caroline kept glancing over at her while chatting with Pepper.

"Hey," Lauren said, gently touching Em's arm. "How about we go sit down for a bit?"

"I'm fine," she replied, shaking her head.

"Come on, Pipsqueak," Tucker sighed, rubbing her back, "You don't have to pretend with us." When her chin started to quiver again, he hushed her and pulled Em into his arms. "Shh, Emmie, it's okay."

"Everything alright?" Caroline asked.

"We just need a moment, Mom," Tuck said over Em's head.

"Em, where'd you leave your pills?" Lauren asked.

"P-purse."

"Ok, I'll get them for you." It took only a few moments for her to get the keys from Steve and retrieve her purse, but then she was shaking out a single pill and handing her a warm bottle of water. Steve had rejoined them at that point, and taken over for Tuck, his arms wrapped tightly around her and Em's head tucked under his chin.

"I think we should probably head out," Matt said, glancing up at the darkening clouds. "Looks like the storm finally made it."

"You can go," Em sniffled. "I'm…I'm going…need to say goodbye."

"Why don't you take my car," Carter offered. "Sharon and I stay for a while." After a short discussion, the Harthorn's reluctantly left for the hotel. In their smaller group, they agreed that Sharon would say goodbye to Garrett first.

"It was a nice service," Steve said before kissing the top of Em's head, "You did really well today."

"Extremely well," Carter added. Em reached out a hand and took Carter's, giving it a squeeze.

"I'm glad you both were here."

"Wouldn't be anywhere else," the agent said. They stayed that way until Sharon rejoined them, wiping at her eyes.

"Your turn," Sharon said, clearing her throat. Em took a deep breath and let go of Carter's hand before looking up at Steve.

"Want company?" Steve asked.

"No," she shook her head. He looked at her, trying to figure out if she actually meant it before nodding and leaning down to kiss her.

"I'll be here if you need me."

"Ok." She looked down at the flag in her arms and bit her lip before handing it to him. "I'll be back in a bit." Carter, who was hugging Sharon, nodded to her.

Emily slowly walked back towards Garrett's grave, her head hung. When she reached it, she reached up and hesitantly put her hand on the lid, her thumb started to absentmindedly stroke the wood's grain. "Hey babe," she said. "I…uh…" Em swiped at the tears coursing down her cheeks. "I just wanted to say that I love you. And I miss you so much. And…"She took a deep breath and looked away.

"You asked me if I remembered the bet we made the night we met. And you're such an idiot, because how could I forget it? You said we'd have to go on a date if you won, and I said I'd only have to kiss you if I won," Em smiled and shook her head. "I think you're full of it for saying you tried to throw the game. You suck at pool. But if you actually were… well...I was trying to throw the game too. You made it pretty hard with how shitty you were playing, though." Her laugh was beaten out by a sob before she regained some semblance of composure.

"I couldn't have made it through those first few years of school without you, Garr. You don't know how many times I was ready to walk up to the registrar and drop out before you talked me down. You were the best cheerleader a girl could ask for. And I know you didn't get a chance to see it, but I dedicated my thesis to you. I missed you so much, and when I was defending, I kept seeing you in the back row, giving me a thumbs up and telling me to calm down. It was so hard hearing them announce me as Dr. Harthorn instead of Dr. O'Connell."

"And then you were back, and you were alive, and you – you were how you were before everything – and…and," Em drew in a shaky breath, raising her hands to press against her temples. "And you still loved me. You kept saying these things, and kissing me, and I wanted to be okay with it all but…" She looked over to where Steve was standing, glancing over at her every few seconds. "But I love Steve."

"I don't not love you, Garrett but you and I? When you died, or left, or whatever, I had to grow up – without you. And it made me different. I'm not the twenty-two year old girl you met in the bar, or the twenty-five year old that saw you off in the airport." Emily paused and wiped Steve's handkerchief under her eyes before balling it in her hand again, and softly said, "I miss her, because she wasn't scared, and she wasn't broken, and she had you, and everything was okay. And her biggest worry was trying to figure out when to have the wedding with both of our schedules."

"Garrett, I…I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. I never thought I'd be back here doing this again. Especially not so soon after getting you back." Em leaned her head back and tapped her clutch against her hip, trying to calm herself down. "You asked me to tell your parent things, but how do I do that without telling them that we talked? That you were alive and you didn't go see them? I can't be the one that breaks your mother's heart again, I can' t do it. And your dad…your dad was a mess before. He hated that he got you to join the military. You were their whole world, and then you died, and they didn't know how to move on." Em put her head in her hands and sniffled loudly. "I just don't know anymore, Garr."

After a minute, she spoke again. "I…I wanted to say thank you for saving my life. You were…you were amazing, and I wouldn't have made it out of there if it hadn't been for you. I miss you so much. And I'm never going to forget what you did for me. And I'm sorry….I'm sorry," she gasped for air, "I'm sorry I got you killed."

Emily tucked her clutch under her arm and covered her face; she wasn't able to hold back the tears anymore. Her chest heaved as she sobbed. And then Steve was there, wrapping his arms around her tightly and rubbing her back.

"It's okay, Sweetheart," he whispered into her hair before pressing a kiss to her forehead. "It's okay." Her clutch fell to the ground when she wrapped her arms around him, but neither moved to get it. When she'd calmed down enough, Em pulled away from him and wiped at the wet spot on his suit jacket.

"Sorry."

"Don't worry about it," he said, a sad smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. Steve took a spare handkerchief from his pocket and dabbed at her face before she took it from him. "You ready to go?" Emily shook her head and looked at her feet.

"Not yet."

"Okay," Steve nodded before crouching to retrieve her clutch and handing it to her. "Want me to stay?" She opened her mouth to reply before closing it and glancing at where they'd been sitting for the service. "I'll wait over there," he said, following her gaze.

"O-okay," Em whispered, looking down as he squeezed her hand. She watched as Steve sat in one of the chairs and gave her a small smile. She returned it, tight lipped, before turned back to the casket. "I, uh, brought some stuff," she said quietly, feeling somewhat foolish with Steve within hearing distance. But when she glanced over her shoulder at him, he was looking away, appearing not to pay attention.

With a deep breath, Emily opened her clutch and pulled out the locket, watching the charm twist on the chain as she held it up. Biting her lip, she opened it and read the 'I am yours, no matter how far' on the left panel for the last time, remembering when Garrett had given it to her right before his first deployment in their relationship. Em closed it and held the metal heart tightly for a moment before reaching up to carefully arrange it on casket.

The pink go-kart token from their first date was next. She choked out a laugh, turning the plastic over in her hand and recalled how nervous she'd been when he showed up at her door, a freshly pulled daisy in hand. She'd wondered what they'd talk about over dinner, but instead of going for the typical date, Garrett had taken her to a game center. He'd used laser tag to show off, and 'let her win' at the basketball shoot out before moving onto go-karts, where their competitive sides had come out. Em had made him spin out on a turn, and he'd paid her back later when playing mini golf by hitting her ball back towards the start. Over greasy pizza and cheap beer, they'd talked about their families and played Never Have I Ever. A few weeks later, right before a training exercise, Garrett had pulled out one of the go-kart tokens and had her kiss it before doing the same, proclaiming it his good luck charm.

Choking on a laugh, Em pressed her lips to the plastic, kissing both sides before laying it in the circle created by the locket's chain. After a moment's hesitation she pulled out the last item.

The engagement ring sparkled when she opened the box, catching what little light there was in the overcast sky. She'd loved that ring from the moment Garrett had placed it on her finger while on the boat in Arizona. It had been the one thing that had made her believe that he would come back to her when he was in Afghanistan. It'd symbolized that they were strong enough to make it though anything together.

But now? Now she hated it. The ring the cause of everything bad that had happened over the last two, almost three years of her life. Garrett had traded away his life for the money to buy it for her, changing their future forever. If it hadn't been for that ring…if he hadn't thought she needed it after helping him with his PTSD…

When she choked back a sob, Em heard the creak of the chair as Steve stood. She held out a hand to stop him from coming closer. He stopped, but said her name softly.

Emily allowed her one minute to think about what might have been. She pictured herself in the wedding dress she'd tried on, holding onto her father's arm and walking towards Garrett, who was in his dress greens. She imagined being announced as Emily O'Connell, and addressed as Dr. O'Connell by her students. She thought about their agreement to start trying for kids when she was in her last semester of grad school, and how she might have been pregnant by now.

And then her minute was up.

With a shaking hand, Emily set the ring next to the pink token. She touched the three seemingly random items one last time before bending down to press her lips to the casket.

"Je t'aime, Garrett," she whispered, not bothering to rub off the mark her lipstick had left. "Always."

"Ready?" Steve asked when she turned to face him. His eyes darted over her face, trying to see what she wasn't saying.

"Yeah," Emily nodded, walking towards him and extending her hand. He took it and pulled her close, wrapping his arms tightly around her while looking over her head at what she'd left. "I love you, Steve," she said against his chest.

"I love you too, Emily."

And when they walked to where Carter and Sharon were waiting, Emily didn't turn to look back.

OOO

When they finally got back to New York, Emily realized just how crowded her apartment was with everyone visiting – especially given that she only had one bathroom. Her parents were sleeping on the pull out couch, while Lauren and Tuck stayed on the futon in her office.

What made it worse was that she knew they were all watching her closely. And, on an intellectual level, she understood why. Given her history, she should have expected them to believe she'd react the same. So Em made a concentrated effort to make sure that she didn't show any outward signs of depression. Even though she wanted to sleep all the time, she made sure to wake up at a decent hour, and tried to stay awake through the day. It was harder to not zone out, and she'd shaken herself out of it a few times to see her parents looking away quickly. When Caroline suggested that she contact her grief councilor/therapist while making lunch, Emily said she'd think about it. Later, she tried to remember everything that the therapist had suggested she do, and had received another worried look when she realized that Lauren had been trying to talk to her.

Given the cramped quarters, Em found it hard to find time to speak to Steve privately, or even have a moment alone. And Steve didn't help matters either, always making sure that her family was involved with what they were doing, or waiting until her sleeping pills had made her tired enough before they went to bed so they didn't really get a chance to talk before she fell asleep. Some nights she woke up screaming or in a panic attack from one of her nightmares. Steve was always there to comfort her, although he looked like he hadn't been sleeping very well either. A few times he'd asked her what she was dreaming about, but she didn't want to think about what had gone on in the basements of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Steve had rarely left her side for a moment since she'd woken up in the hospital. It was only when Carter had come by for a visit that she found out that he'd been putting off salvaging his things from S.H.I.E.L.D. When she offered to clear some space for whatever he needed, he told her that it would all go to Stark Tower. Apparently en route to getting Loki off planet, Tony had offered to let the Avengers, as the team was now known, move in. And, given that Em didn't have enough room for his stuff at the moment, Steve had moved his things there.

It was a relief – not that she'd admit it – when her family said they needed to head back to their lives. Tuck and Lauren had to get back to the kids and work, and Matthew to the firm. While Caroline offered to stay, Em reminded her that she had to get back to her high school students, even though Steve hinted that it might be a good idea. They all woke up early in the morning to say goodbye.

"Call if you need anything," Caroline said, holding her daughter tightly.

"We'll come right back if you need us to," Matthew smiled.

"Or maybe you guys could come visit us?" Lauren said.

"Thanksgiving?" Tuck offered.

"Maybe," Em smiled tiredly as Steve hugged her parents.

"The kid would love it," Lauren prodded.

"We'll think about it."

And as they drove away, Steve and Em stood on the sidewalk waving as the Harthorns disappeared from sight, his arm wrapped around her shoulders. Yawning, she grabbed his hand and pulled him back towards the apartment. "I'm so tired," Em groaned as she collapsed onto the couch with a cup of coffee, ignoring the dirty sheets her dad had folded and placed on the arm.

"How about we take it easy today?" Steve said, sipping his own coffee and leaning against the kitchen bar. He, unlike Em, had gotten dressed before going downstairs, while she stayed in her PJs.

"That's all we've been doing," she sighed.

"You're healing. You need to relax. Besides, you've been through a lot." Instantly, he regretted his words when her eyes darkened and she bit her lip. "Sorry, Emily, I shouldn't have said-"

"You did too," she huffed, reaching out to set her mug on the coffee table before holding her hand out to him. Steve walked over and set his mug next to hers before kneeling beside her. Em propped herself up on her elbow and wrapped a hand around the back of his neck, pulling him close enough to kiss. He seemed hesitant, even in this small thing. "Wanna tell me about it?"

"How about after you get some sleep?"

"Sleep is for the weak," Em clenched her jaw against a yawn. He smiled and shook his head before standing and lifting her off the couch.

"Be that as it may, how about we sleep now and talk later?"

"Or we can talk, and then sleep," she suggested, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing under his jaw.

"You're so stubborn," he smirked while placing her on the bed. She kept her hand fisted in his shirt as she moved towards the middle, pulling him along with her. Shaking his head, Steve obliged, settling in next to her.

"It's one of the things you love about me," Em teased.

"Definitely," he agreed. When she stretched out beside him, Steve wrapped his arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer.

"Talk," she urged. "Tell me what happened while I was in Indiana."

"Why don't you tell me what happened in Indiana?"

"Because your story is more interesting. I'll tell after you do."

"And then you'll get some sleep?"

"And then I'll sleep."

"Ok," he sighed, pressing a kiss into her hair. "After you called me about…" Steve paused, remembering the conversation they'd had. "About…"

"Garrett," Em's voice was hushed as she his name.

"Right after, Fury came to tell me about Loki –"

"The one who destroyed Puerto Antigua?"

"Yes. Any – "

"He's Thor's brother, right?"

"Right," he nodded. "Anyways, he took the Tesseract – "

"The what?" He raised an eyebrow at her continued interruptions.

"Hydra's secret weapon. The cube that Schmidt was using to power his weapons." She gave him a confused look. "S.H.I.E.L.D. didn't tell you about that?"

"No."

"Alright. Schmidt was trying to find –"

"Ancient artifacts that would help turn the war to his favor, yes, yes, I know. It's all very Indiana Jones." Steve sighed, not recognizing the reference.

"Do you want me to tell you, or would you rather start yours?"

"Sorry," Em smirked. "Please continue, Steve." And he did, stroking her arm as he talked about the Helicarrier, and meeting Dr. Banner and the Black Widow for the first time. Her eyes grew wide when he told her about Germany and fighting Loki for the first time. When Emily tried to grab her laptop to look it up on the Internet, he stopped her and continued with his story. She rolled her eyes when he told her about Tony's entrance into the fight, and gasped when Steve talked about Thor's appearance. She huffed when he told her about the brawl in the woods, and held him tightly when Steve finally got to the Battle.

"Then Tony had us go out for shawarma," Steve said softly. Emily reached up and cupped his cheek before leaning up and kissing him.

"Saving the world sounds like hungry work," she teased. He smirked and shook his head.

"After that, we went back to the Tower, where Ms. Potts was waiting. Once she'd finished yelling at Tony, she pointed us in the direction of a shower and bed and…that was it until Carter came to get me."

Emily watched as he lowered his eyes to her chin before shifting to look over her shoulder. Groaning in frustration, she pushed his shoulder with her good hand, forcing him to roll onto his back. He frowned as she straddled him, one hand on the pillow by his head, and the other pointing in his face. "Stop it right now."

"What?" he asked, his hands settling on her hips.

"You're getting that 'I'm in the wrong' look and I'm not having it."

"Emily, I was sleeping while you were bleeding out on the floor. My last words to you would have been 'you too'. I didn't even say that I love you." She winced at his words before shaking her head, strands of hair escaping from her ponytail.

"But they weren't. And you had no way of knowing I was even in New York so I'm not going to let you beat yourself up about that. I made the choice to go to S.H.I.E.L.D. I put myself in danger by going there. You had nothing to do with it."

"You wouldn't even know what S.H.I.E.L.D. was if it weren't for me." Em dropped her hand and ducked her head, letting out a scream of frustration.

"Why are you so hell bent on making everything your fault?"

"Because, Emily, this is my fault. You're in New York because of me."

"I would have been here either way!" she snapped, slapping his shoulder. "Carter told me about the job offers I would have gotten if S.H.I.E.L.D. hadn't blocked them, and I definitely would have chosen NYU over any of the others."

"Fine," he said, pushing himself up to sit so that she slid onto his legs, "fine, let's say you were in New York even without me bringing you here – "

"Which you didn't!"

"Let's just say," Steve's voice was hard. "You wouldn't have run headlong into some of the worst fighting." When his hands wrapped around her shoulders, he squeezed gently, infinitely aware of his strength, "Why'd you go there looking for me? I told you I wasn't going to be there." Em batted his hands away and got off of him, hissing in pain as she moved too quickly.

"Tu est un idiot. I didn't go there looking for you; I went there because I thought it would be safe. I can't fucking do this right now, okay?" she growled, getting off the bed and pressing a hand to her forehead while walking towards the kitchen.

"Fine," Steve said, getting up as well. His eyes were trained on her back, looking at the bruise that spanned her shoulders peeking out from her tank top. When she got to the kitchen, Em grabbed one of packets containing her headache medication and tore open the package. After she'd taken a sip of water and swallowed the pill, Steve nudged a second bottle towards her.

"I'm not anxious," she snarled, "I'm pissed."

"Take the pill, Em."

"Don't call me that!"

"Fine, Emily, you should take the pill." Pressing her lips together tightly, Em grabbed the bottle and flung it across the living room, where it hit the wall before disappearing behind the papasan chair. "Really?" he demanded, looking at where it landed before turning back to her, "Was that necessary?"

"Let's get something straight right now, shall we? I am not one of your teammates, and I'm not one of your Commandos. I'm your fucking girlfriend, got it? That means you don't get to order me around. I'm the one that knows what's going on with me," she jabbed her chest, "So I'm the one that gets to decide what pills I do and don't take." They glared at each other over the counter until he sighed and scrubbed a hand down his face.

"Damn it, Emily," he groaned. "Why won't you just let me take care of you?"

"Because I don't need you to," she said, her voice pleading with him to listen. "I don't need you to make sure that I take my pills, or sleep, or relax. I need you to stop looking at me like I'm this broken thing that you have to fix."

Steve shifted his weight, eyes lowering to rest on the countertop. "I'm just worried about you, Sweetheart."

"I know, and I get that," Emily said, reaching out to touch his hand. "But I'm going to be okay. The doctors said that I'm healing really well and…and I'm not going to go crazy like I did…before. I-I got to say goodbye this time." He looked up in time to see a tear drip off of her chin before Em turned her face and wiped it against her shoulder.

"Honey," he sighed, walking around the bar to get to her.

"Don't." Em held up a hand to stop him from touching her as she turned away. "I just need a minute." When Steve wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her against his chest, she yelped in pain, and he immediately dropped his arms. Em doubled over, one hand pressed to her stitches, the other steadying herself on the counter.

"Sorry!" Steve said quickly, reaching for her again. "I'm so sorry, Emily. I'm-"

"Stop," she breathed, sinking to the floor, knees brought to her chest as she wrapped her arms around her stomach. He felt horrible when he saw her face scrunched against the pain. At a loss for what to do, Steve grabbed her glass of water and pain pills before crouching beside her.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't-"

"Stop it," Em ordered, taking the pill he offered and knocked it back before resting her head on the dishwasher. She blindly groped for his hand, squeezing it tightly when she found it. Her foot tapped an uneven beat against the floor with every throb of pain, and she held her breath at every spasm, trying to minimize the amount she moved. It took a few minutes for the pill to kick in, but Steve didn't complain about her nails digging into his skin. It was only when her hand relaxed on his that he spoke.

"Ar-are you okay?"

"Getting there," Em replied, breathing heavily through her nose.

"Are you going to be okay if I pick you up?"

"Nope."

"Okay," he said, sitting beside her and taking her hand again.

"Say something to distract me, please."

"Uh," Steve said, grasping for something to say. "I…uh…oh! I have my own floor at Stark Tower."

"They gave you a whole floor to store your stuff?" Em asked. "You don't even have that much."

"No, a whole floor to live on. Ms. Potts said they'd have it renovated to however I want while they're fixing all of the damage from Loki." Emily looked over at him, confusion written across her face.

"I thought…I thought that you were going to…" her cheeks flushed, and he frowned before the realization dawned on him.

"You thought I was going to move in."

"Well, yeah," she shrugged, her cheeks still red. "I mean, you're here most nights anyways."

"I…uh…hadn't thought of that."

"You don't have to," Em said quickly. "It's just, er, something to consider."

"Okay." They were quiet for a moment, her hand still squeezing his with every pain spasm. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Why'd you come back? Why weren't you in Indiana?" Emily stilled beside him, her hand tightly squeezing his. "Honey?"

"Shit," she sighed. When she let go of his hand and tried to push herself off of the floor, he shifted to pick her up. "Don't," Em ordered. "Just give me a hand up, okay?"

"Alright," Steve said, frowning as he jumped to his feet and helped her stand. When she met his gaze, she shook her head.

"It's nothing bad, mon coeur. It's just…come on." Em grabbed his hand and tugged him towards the bedroom. Once perched on the edge of the bed, she sighed. "Ok, Indiana."

"What happened?"

"Long story short, I got some time to clear my head. I talked to Chris, who pretty much saved my sanity, I played with my goddaughter, and hung out with Eric. After I talked to you and…and Garrett….I went for the interview at the university. Chris got it in her head that I should move out there, so we looked at houses, and the entire time I kept thinking about if you'd like them, and if S.H.I.E.L.D. would even let you leave New York and…"

"And?" Steve prodded.

"I was seriously considering moving out there if you didn't want me back," she said, looking down at the floor. "It would have been easier than being here and seeing you after I ruined things."

"Emily," he sighed, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her so that her head rested on his shoulder.

"And then Chris thought I was pregnant." Beside her, Steve tensed, but Em rambled on. "I didn't think I was. I just didn't want to smoke anymore – by the way, I smoke sometimes when I'm stressed – and I've put on weight since I saw her last so of course my boobs looked bigger, and I swear, Eric burnt those eggs. As for being moody, well, I think I had a good reason to be."

"Y-you thought you were pregnant?"

"No!" Em said, sitting up and looking at his stunned face. "I didn't think I was, and I wasn't, but it got me thinking about you and kids and how much I wanted all that so…I came home."

Steve looked at her for a moment before his eyes drifted towards her stomach, picturing, not for the first time, what she'd look like pregnant with their baby. And then he stood up, burying his hands in his hair and starting to pace. "I can't."

"Steve?"

"I can't do this to you anymore, Emily, I just can't."

"Do what? Hey," she said, placing her hand on his shoulder. "What's wrong?"

"I keep doing it. And no matter how much I try to stop it, you keep getting hurt because of me."

"Te me niasse tu tabarnak? No," Em snapped. "No, you're not doing this again."

"Being around me…it's dangerous for you," he sighed, eyes pleading with her to understand. "First it was Blonsky, and now this?"

"We're here again?" she demanded. "I don't know how many ways I can say this, Steve, but you don't put me in danger. Please, just calm do-"

"No, Emily. You keep getting hurt. You said it yourself, you came back to New York because me. And regardless of if you would have been here for a different job, you came here because of me. You were at S.H.I.E.L.D. because of me."

"You have such a martyr complex," Em said in an exasperated tone. "And frankly, I'm tired of it. Steve, you choose to see yourself as the source of all these problems when you're not! Why don't you understand that?"

"I'm not being a martyr, I'm –"

"Yes you are! You've been thinking this for a while, haven't you? That's why…that's why you've been avoiding being alone with me." Steve opened his mouth to say something before thinking better of it. "You have! You won't even deny it!"

"I thought it would make things easier."

"Make leaving me easier? What? Were you just going to wait until I was better before dumping me?"

"I just…I want you to be happy –"

"I am-"

"And safe. And you can't be, not with me."

"So you're really doing this?" Em demanded, tears in her eyes again. "You're done?" Rather than answering, Steve hung his head. "Well, you know what? Why wait until I'm better? Why not do it now if you think you're such a 'danger' to me?"

"Emi-"

"Get out."

"Okay," Steve said softly. His blue eyes darted up to meet hers just for a moment, before looking down at the floor, unable to see the hurt he'd cause.

And then he grabbed his jacket and shoes, and was gone.

In shock, Emily sat on the edge of the bed before sliding down to the floor as she burst into tears.


Author's Note: This is the last official chapter, but there will be an epilogue. That one should be written much quicker, because I've got it all planned out while this one fought me tooth and nail.

As always, thank you to blown-transistor for beta-ing this and pizzagirl for being a sounding board for what would work and wouldn't. A special thank you to LT-NightWarp for an assist with the French and going back to correct some of my other mistakes =) The two French phrases in this chapter translate to 'You're an idiot' and 'Are you fucking kidding me?' Another special thanks to those of you who follow me on Tumblr and have been supportive thought the writer's block!

Just a few other things. Yes, Steve has briefly met Natasha before, but never in the capacity of the Black Widow, but as Agent Romanoff, which is why I put that little bit. And, I'm not sure I've mentioned it before, but Lauren is a pharmacist. Not sure why that's important, but I feel like I should tell you.

Well, that's it for now. I hope you enjoyed the chapter, don't want to kill me too badly, and yeah...Thanks for reading! Please let me know what you think!