man in boxer underwear and red winter jacket comes running out of his house.

HEY YOU!

Person in red and white clothes jerks from where it stands by the chimney.

huh? Whaaaa-!

Sciiiii "WHOH" iiiid

Red person slides off the roof and hits the ground.

THUD.

Man in Boxers after a moment comes up and nudges the person's foot.

"you who? Hey, buddy."

No responce.

"Okay, you should just stay still. Perfect."

the door to the house opens and a little kid comes running out.

"YOU GOT HIM!"

"Charley will you stay- Charley listen to me," Tim Allen in boxers says.

"It is santa," Carley gasps as he sees the fallen body.

"Ow. No kid, my names Snipern0sniping, a fanfiction writer whose stuck in an intro that has gone on long enough."

Both normal people share a look as the 'Santa' person stands up and looks at the hidden camera.

I don't own Familiar of Zero or Skyrim. Now I need a tylenol.


That hurt.

Touhou is Life: That would be so cool and so awkward at the same time.

Guest000: And just now I got suprised by Tim Allen on the roof. No gods vs god arguments this time, the priest is too drunk.

XInsanitXGuiltechXShadowwindX: Maybe.

Akshka: No personal Sheo involvement, but fun times are ahead.

NuggetMuncher: CHICKEN! Why are we shouting random things?

weather witch nami-zo: I don't think that would work. Vampirism takes time to fully turn a person so it won't work as spectacularly as we would want.

Guy passing by: More like an implied option.

Guest: A confrontation between the two amuses my thoughts almost every day.

Guest: Then I'm writing him well.

Dodles: Thanks, Why five? I gave it for fun.

dspendragon125: In a way she did.

Telron: In a fashion you're right.

Cheese PuffXx: Yes, power puff girls familiar of zero. :}

XSDStitch: There will be a gargle blaster level events from this.

A.M.C: That would have been so much fun.

RedBurningDragon: Between the two of them... I think Dove would win in a 'conversation' between the two churches.

helkil: Well, I guess I am a tease based on this story.

Blackholelord: Thank you. I really love hearing people say that they have finally reached the latest chapter and love my story. :]

grey: Sanguine is involved.

Inuyasha-loves-Hanyou-Kagome: Something like that.

amimai002: I love your review, although I have to ask; how does a love interest equal to a hobby? Kirche is currently... in her bed wishing she had a guy to scratch the itch instead of her fingers.

Shadow-Kage-14: All of the above would spell pure chaos.

Rotox: I don't think Dove is the listener or anything like that. I need to find my list of who Dove as had dealings with.

pedrofaria339: Yup.

TheENDstyler: This is how it would go in the next chapter ;)

perfectshade: I'm glad I wrote Louise and Dove well, I had to reread my chapter to make sure I got that right. I actually think that if this chapter in cannon happened in real life, then Saito and the Queen would have died during this part of the story. I think that Julio can sweet talk anyone, it just makes the bystanders, us, really uncomfortable.

Guest(Dovgrahdeen): No tales for now so no fighting with the church yet, Sorry.

UNSC Know Your Place: Of course.


Dove watched the rowdy table with equal parts amusement and worry. She had noticed the table when the third girl moved to take care of the patron; not many visitors needed more than one or two if they were drinkers. To have three girls serving meant that whomever was seated there had a seasoned liver.

It was kind of funny to her since she knew that no one here could handle anything as strong as Nordic ale, but someone requiring three girls to serve him instantly qualified as a 'strong stomach' in this country. The worry, however, came when she caught a better look at the table and realized that it was Julio's table that had drawn so much attention.

Just how unholy was this priest? He was an unrepentant flirt and now he qualified as a strong drinker in this country? A stomach strong enough to drink as much as that table was getting took years to create.

"He's going to be like that all night."

Dove frowned and turned towards the male voice behind her; the last she checked, she was the only one in the kitchen.

"…"

"…"

"NO!"

"What's wrong?" he asked, smiling widely at the maid. Standing before her was Sanguine, Daedric Prince of debauchery. In his current form, red and black skin that on his head gave way to the distinctive Daedric horns while the usual armor was replaced with…Oh nine help her.

"Please tell me your just here for a chat?" Dove pleaded.

"I guess," Sanguine answered in a tone that gave away the blatant lie. "Sheo asked me to visit, he said something along the lines of, 'The fans want it, so make it bubbly'."

Ignoring the complete nonsense that was Sheogorath, Dove bemoaned, "But why the uniform?"

"It helps me blend in," Sanguine explained, adjusting his forest green Charming Fairies Inn uniform.

"You're over six feet tall, muscled like a gladiator, in the form of a Dremora, and male," Dove deadpanned, "You're not going to blend in."

Sanguine gasped and clutched at his chest, "How could you? Remember? I can look like anyone, only you see me like this, everyone else sees-"

The being's shape flickered and standing in front of Dove was a familiar petite girl with pink hair and a large chest.

Dove banged her head on the table, "You're impersonating Louise."

"No," the girl said in a light, melodious voice, "Louise doesn't have knockers this large and her uniform is white."

Dove shook her head in despair. Trying to find something to make her forget the Daedric Prince in the room, she watched one of the girls leave the table with another two empty bottles in her hands. They would be added to the box of empties that she would have to take out later. She frowned as she looked at the box with the newly emptied containers. It was already full and soon would be overflowing.

Julio really needed to stop or else they might miss the person that they were supposed to be meeting here. Dove's frown grew deeper as she thought about just how badly this plan had been screwed up. Since they didn't know who they were meeting then just anyone could come in and claim to be their contact and they would have no way of knowing if this hypothetical person was telling the truth.

"I'm taking out the trash," Dove called out to Jessica as she passed nearby.

"And don't you dare-" Sanguine was already gone with a pair of bottles before Dove finished speaking. She took a long, slow breath before mentally washing her hands of any problems the glamoured, crossdressing daedra caused. She then slipped out from behind the table and picked up the 'empties box'. Some time standing in the cool night air might do her nerves some good.

Dove moved around the kitchen with her cargo and booted the door open. The owner's daughter nodded to Dove as she passed, hoping that the woman didn't take too long since she really wanted to know if what she thought she had noticed was true.

Glancing at the clock, Jessica noticed that it was still hours until they needed to leave to get ready for the play. She didn't need to worry Jessica thought shaking her head and smiling in anticipation, there was plenty of time for her fun.

Dove looked up and down the alleyway as she tried to find the barrel for the bottles. She didn't see it towards the opening in the alley so it must be deeper in the back. She had just turned and started to walk down the narrow walkway when someone ran into her back. With a yelp, Dove stumbled and nearly fell flat on the ground. As it was the bottles spilled out of her box and caused a huge mess of broken glass in the alleyway. After a pause to look at the broken glass, the maid sighed; of course it would be her who would need to clean that up.

"Hello," she said turning around to face whomever had knocked into her, "Is there a reason why you're running down a dark alley- oh, you've got to be kidding me."

"Dove, is that you?" The princess, the Nine damned PRINCESS OF ALL PEOPLE, standing out in the dark without any guards whatsoever.

"Yes, now mind telling me why you're here? And why you're apparently still using the exact same cloak every single time you sneak out?" Dove asked, knowing that this situation, no matter what reason the Queen had for causing it, would bring on a massive headache.

"I need your help," Henrietta replied quickly while glancing back down the way she came.

"Don't do that," Dove snapped, "If someone is following you then I'll tell you about them and looking back in a dark cloak in an alley at night makes you look suspicious to every passerby instead of just whomever you're hiding from."

The Queen blinked before taking Dove's advice and returning her attention to her. She still couldn't repress a shiver as she turned her back to the open ally.

Just as she did so a trio of voices sprung up from the street, "Check over there, she might have gone to the Kurdone alley! Make Haste!"

"Yes, sir!" two other men's voices responded.

"So," Dove said as she dispassionately watched the men in armor race by the entrance, "Any reason your own men are looking for you late at night?"

"Let's get off the street first," Henrietta answered, motioning to the inn. She didn't want another close encounter. Dove had to agree to that and led the way in.

-[]-

Jessica looked back over her shoulder as the door to the alleyway opened. She blinked as Dove let in a small, dark, figure. The maid whispered to the figure and pointed to the stairs causing the person to nod. She could only really see the person's chin so there wasn't much she could use to identify the figure.

Dove walked up to Jessica as the person moved towards the stairs. "Don't tell anyone," Dove said quietly, "We'll be out of here soon."

"What about the play?" Jessica asked. "I thought you guys were going to help us put it on."

"Louise can help," Dove responded, looking at how busy the pink-haired mage was. She was moving between tables with a sultry smile as she plied the patrons with drink before moving just out of reach as one man tried to fondle her. Wait, that was Sanguine, Louise was still sitting head down in despair at the busiest table, "I need to handle this first so I might miss it."

"Okay," Jessica said with a sad expression, she had wanted to see if what she had picked up on was true. "I'll hope to see ya' then," she told the maid before grinning as an idea occurred to her.

With a sudden move, Jessica caught the back of Dove's neck and leaned in. Caught off guard, Dove blinked but did not otherwise react as Jessica restrained her. The maid gave a jump, however, when Jessica finished the move a soft kiss. Dove's mind shorted for a moment and relaxed into the sensation of lips before stiffening and pulling back sharply.

"What was that for!" Dove exclaimed, shocked at the action but unable to stop looking at Jessica's victorious grin.

"Just confirming something," the black-haired woman replied with a pleased smile.

Dove stood there for a moment as she tried to figure out what Jessica could have meant. She blushed (cutely in Jessica's most experienced opinion) and fled up the stairs when she realized what her coworker was getting at.

Jessica went back to work, this time sporting a pleased cheshire grin.


Henrietta looked up as Dove opened and closed the door to the small attic room behind her.

"Is something wrong?" she asked when she saw how red Dove's face was.

"NO!" Dove answered in a tone that basically ordered the Queen to stop asking. "So, what do you need from Louise and I that you apparently can't get from the palace?"

"I need a bodyguard for the next few hours," she explained, removing her hooded cloak. Beneath the thick fabric was a beautiful royal white dress.

"And you couldn't use the literal army of men and women at your disposal, including a corps of women specifically designated for that task, because...?" Dove asked dryly. This plan was already sounding badly thought out as she learned more about it.

"I must act undercover," Henrietta replied, "Any recognized member of my guard would bring more attention down on us."

"So, you thought to get your known childhood friend and me to do it?" Dove was in a sardonic mood, "Just how dangerous is this bodyguard request going to be?"

"..."

The Baroness sighed as she noticed that the Queen's face had frozen at her question. "I guess that I can keep you safe for a night since it's already dark out, but after that..."

"That should be long enough, thank you," Henrietta said quickly, unhappy at the Baroness's grumbling but also feeling like she couldn't exactly blame her because it was her plan that was at fault.

"Let's get Louise and go," Henrietta suggested. Her unhappiness could wait, they had a mission to complete.

"Not so fast," Dove interjected with a raised hand, "There will be no Louise for this, she has less

experience and would draw more attention to us."

"But-"

"No," the Baroness overrode the monarch, "She is still growing up and would be a liability on this mission, if you had done this a few months from now then I would have no issue including her but as of right now, she isn't ready for this level of stealth in a commoner's area."

Dove looked Henrietta up and down as she explained her reasoning to the Queen. "We would need some other kind of clothes," she finished off her thoughts by looking around the room. There weren't any clothes here, the room was mostly used as a storage area, but Dove spotted something wearable after a moment or two.

"Let's see, what is this?" she pondered aloud, lifting a lid on a chest that had a bit of fabric sticking out. "Ah, I guess this is where Louise stuck her clothes when she changed into her work uniform."

Dove turned around to hand them over to Henrietta. "Here, change," She ordered as she tossed them over. Henrietta silently started slipping out of her dress while Dove watched the door.

"I don't think you need to do that," Henrietta commented as her white dress came off entirely leaving her in only her panties and bra, "It's not like anyone is going to come in here since everything is happening downstairs."

"I'm just making sure," Dove said without looking around, her face was getting the same blush from when Jessica had kissed her as the sound of falling clothes tickled at her ears. Henrietta just shook her head and pulled the skirt up. It was a little short, but she felt that it was supposed to be that way anyways.

Dove watched the door as impassively as she could, but that was slipping as Henrietta huffed in the room behind her. "Great, this shirt is so small. I don't think I can fit under it." An odd sensation passed through Dove as she listened silently to Henrietta's complaints.

"Okay, I'm ready to go," Henrietta announced as she buttoned the highest button she could comfortably secure on the blouse. Dove turned around and sighed. The skirt was only about an inch and a half longer than decent without requiring thigh high stockings while the blouse was about two buttons short of being fully closed. She would draw a lot of attention from the army men dressed like that.

"We need to do something about your hair at least," Dove decided after a bit of staring. "Do you have anything else that might help disguise yourself?"

"I have some lipstick but that's it," Henrietta told her with a shrug.

"Put it on," Dove said. Henrietta was known by most with her naturally beautiful face so every little bit of change to her attire they could get to differentiate herself from her public appearance would help. As Henrietta carried out Dove's command, the maid found a piece of twine to pull her short hair into a loose ponytail.

"I guess that's the best we can do," Dove commented, looking the Queen over. She looked a lot more common than before, more simple. "So, where are we supposed to hide?" she asked. "We could stay here for a bit but I think the guards will be passing by soon."

"I have set up a room in an inn a few streets over from here, the inn keeper will keep silent about us taking a room," Henrietta responded. "We would be safe since the guards won't bother considering every room."

"Got it," Dove replied, "So we just need to get there."

"Exactly," Henrietta nodded.


Dove looked around the corner and hissed to herself. Slipping out of the Charming Fairies Inn with Henrietta back under the cloak hadn't been hard, even if Jessica gave her a wink that had caused her to feel a little hot and bothered, and the streets also hadn't been too difficult to get through. The problem came when they reached a crossroads about three street corners from their destination.

The guards must have left the area inside this ring of houses so open because they had known that this spot was a natural choke point. From the way the city had been constructed whomever was trying to get out of the city on foot needed to go through this spot. The two were stuck standing in the alley just in front of the choke point waiting for the strict patrols to come to them, catching anyone sneaking through the streets between the two of them.

"The guards will be looking for me," Henrietta said, "any aristocrat will be considered and anyone in a hood will draw attention."

"Good thing neither of us look like aristocrats," Dove murmured before saying in a louder voice, "I think that you'll need to leave the cloak behind." Henrietta looked down at her beloved cloak as a tiny depression set in at the notion that it would leave her, before hiding it in a nearby barrel.

"Still need to think of a way through the guards. I don't think we can scale the walls," Dove said thoughtfully.

"Let's just walk through them," Henrietta suggested with a smirk.

Dove blinked, "What?"

"If we walk fast and together then we shouldn't be bothered," Henrietta explained with a nod.

"That only works if we make the guards uncomfortable enough that they want us to leave them alone," Dove replied. "If one of us was a guy and we were 'obviously' together then it might have worked."

'Unless…' Dove looked back at Henrietta with a frown. She might not enjoy this idea.

-[]-

"Okay, you can go," Darald said to two young men as they cleared the checkpoint. He looked around, hoping that his shift would end soon and he could get out of the cold back to the barracks where there was a fire. As his eyes took in the street, they widened. Down the road and coming closer were two women. One was wearing a soft, black, unadorned dress, she looked ahead apparently without even noticing the guards.

Her gait was confidant and her clothes, while unadorned, were well made like soft under clothes. She looked wealthy but no adorning jewelry hinted that she was a commoner instead of noble. The second woman was shorter than the first with purple hair. She wore a wide white apron with a rather open and tight blouse and short skirt underneath, finishing the look off with a maid's head piece. Her eyes stayed submissively on the ground, the only way she knew which way to go was because she could see the first woman's feet at the top of her vision.

The first guard watched them pass in lustful awe, as they got closer he realized that the bottom of the second woman's shirt was rolled up to the opening in her shirt buttons, turning the shirt into an over exaggerated brassiere, emphasizing her bust and let her midriff show. The second and third guards let the bizarre sight through them without a word. Darald quickly moved since no one else was apparently going to ask the questions.

"Halt," He ordered as he positioned himself in the middle of the road. The first woman stopped and looked at him with an annoyed expression.

"Can't this wait?" she asked haughtily, "My pet needs her walk before being put in for the night."

The second woman as well as several of the watching men blushed red at their own interpretations of that sentence.

"I'm sorry… ah, Miss," Darald replied, off balance due to the conflicting class signals preventing him from figuring out how to address the woman. "I just need to ask you where you're going and look at your faces," he finished with a mental reminder of his duty to help him along.

"We were going for a walk before returning to my room so that I can put her in her sleeping pen and get under cover before the rain starts," the obviously superior woman said imperiously. The air had started to feel heavy and despite the dark night, everyone could tell that rain was coming. "Now I've told you what I'm doing twice, move aside."

Darald stuttered as he stood there trying to figure out what to do. The woman huffed and then snapped her fingers as she led the second woman around the guard and back down the road before he gathered his wits enough to realize that he couldn't quite remember the second woman's face.

-[]-

"We should be good now," Dove said as they rounded the corner and were out of sight of the guards. Henrietta instantly pulled Dove's head piece out of her hair and unrolled Louise's shirt.

"That was embarrassing," the Queen stated as she pulled the apron over her head and handed it back to the baroness.

"Agreed," Dove responded as she reclaimed her items. She shivered as she felt her own relief, glad that the guards didn't realized that her own clothes were technically an underdress, the softest one she owned. "I don't think we need to mention these last few moments to others," Dove suggested as she slid her apron over her head with a sigh. She really had become attached to this outfit.

"Agreed," Henrietta repeated with unnecessary formality. With that, both women set to walking, too embarrassed to break the silence.

"... So, that inn is how far away?" Dove started, trying to further break the awkward pause. The promised rain suddenly came down on the two of them, heavy and hard.

"Down this street," Henrietta answered with a shiver as she started to get soaked, causing Dove to set off in the new direction.


The two women came into the room single file, Dove raking the room with her eyes for anything out of place.

"Clear," she announced before moving to sit down on the only chair in the room, leaving the bed for the Queen. The room was about ten feet across by twenty-five deep, a table, chair and bed were the only fixtures in the room but it was a little crowded even with just those three items. A window on the far wall would have let the light in if it was day but now just showed the dark street instead.

Henrietta smiled, a little bit of humor peeking out of this situation, "You know, Agnes says the exact same thing whenever she checks a room for me to stay in."

"There must be a reason for that," Dove replied with a smile, appreciating the comparison to the woman. "Where is Agnes anyway?" she asked after a moment, "I would have thought that you would have had at least her by your side."

"She is performing what is probably the most important task in this operation, more important than even my safety," Henrietta told the maid with a serious face, her tone bleeding conviction.

"So, that keeps her away, what about the other musketeers?" Dove asked for conversation and curiosities sake, "Shouldn't any of them be willing to come with you?"

"They needed to be kept in the dark or this plan wouldn't work," Henrietta explained, a shiver suddenly racked her.

"What's wrong?" Dove asked, "Are you cold?"

"A little," Henrietta admitted, eying the Baroness. "How can I not be cold? These cloths are rather thin, like yours."

Dove frowned and sat down on the bed next to the Queen. "My clothes are a little thicker," she responded, "but I also come from a land where some regions are basically in an eternal winter. There is always snow on the ground." Dove lifted her hand and felt the burning sting of her fire spell flash through her arm. Opening her palm, Dove held a grapefruit sized flame that she held very close to the purple haired girl's body.

Henrietta jumped a bit at the sudden flame and her eyes widened when Dove moved it closer to her. But before she could move away from the fire, Dove's other hand lifted the blanket off the bed and laid it over her shoulders.

"So, the Nords found ways to make themselves as warm as possible," Dove said softly. She didn't feel the heat or her creation since Henrietta needed it, but she also didn't feel the cold from her clothes. Henrietta's shivering slowed as Dove's flame heated her up. She looked at the other woman.

"What is your home like?" She asked. She never had heard a straight description of the land Dove had come from and was interested.

"Cold, about half of the land has snow all year round," Dove said, seeing Skyrim in her mind's eye. "It's also pockmarked with old ruins, ancient burial mounds and even older lost cities where the dead don't always stay down. It's a little frightening at times."

Henrietta looked at her in consternation. 'Dead that don't stay down?' she thought with another shiver. "Sounds rather sad," she hedged, unsure of Dove's reaction to that sentiment.

"It can be," the elf agreed, "but then you just climb a mountain and just look out across the land, all of your sadness will vanish in a heartbeat. It doesn't matter which direction you look, up, down, left, or right, you will see something truly beautiful that makes you forget what could be wrong." Henrietta wished that her world worked like that, where everything was beautiful enough to make you forget your troubles.

"Your world is also beautiful," the maid pronounced, apparently reading her mind.

"I don't really think it is," Henrietta denied. The war was only a few weeks old and it was already dragging on the young ruler's outlook.

"You have a flying island and don't have to worry about frostbite while taking a leak," Dove argued sagely, "Those things alone are something incredible to experience in your land."

"You've got to be exaggerating about the cold," Henrietta countered, shaking her head.

"Nope, I knew a guy at the college of Winterhold who fell into the ocean just behind the castle and froze to death about ten paces out of the water," Dove explained with a shudder. Henrietta was about to respond when a loud hammering on the door startled her and pulled Dove's attention to it.

"OPEN UP," a loud man's voice from outside called through the wood, "We're from the castle. It's an emergency! We'll force this door open to search if we must!" Dove hissed and pulled Henrietta down onto the floor. The guard outside apparently didn't want to wait and started bashing his body against the door.

'A little overzealous don't you think?' Dove thought a bit hypocritically at the man. "Sorry, only thing I can think of," she hissed to the shocked monarch kneeling on the ground in front of her.

-[]-

Two army patrolmen had been walking the streets together when they had seen two women figures run down the street, nothing too suspicious when you consider the rain that had been falling for the last five minutes. What had been suspicious was the fact that the two had stopped and knocked at an inn that had a closed sign hanging on the door. Watching the two, they had been surprised when the door opened and let the two in despite the signs' proclamation.

After a minute to see if they would come back out, the two had come in to ask their questions.

The inn keeper, at the sight of the two armored men marching into his inn, helpfully told the two anything they wanted. The man's answers about the two he had just let in from outside were that they were a pair of private women and that he didn't know who they were or what they were doing, just that one of them had paid in advance for a room for the night. Apart from that the owner only knew which room they had been given for the night.

Smelling a rat, the two had been led to the door and demanded entrance. No response from within was forthcoming. Taking matters into their own hands, the (Correctly guessed) overzealous guards quickly bashed their way into the room. The two patrol guards that stumbled into the room both blinked and then blushed at the sight at the edge of the bed.

"Harder or you're going to be punished before bed," the woman on the bed cried as she squeezed her breast through her dress with one hand. The other was apparently directing a large, moving, lump high up on her dress that a second pair of hips sticking out from under side dress in a short skirt made all too easy to identify.

Both men blushed bright red and took a step back from the room.

"Ohhh, yes~," the women on the bed gasped as she rocked her hips getting a similar moan from under her dress. After a moment, the two guards fully rebooted their brains and stepped back out of the room, hoping that the women were too engaged to notice their interruption. Both didn't want furious women after them. That, and maybe one of them would be willing to being with them later if they approached them in a different setting.

Dove stopped moaning after the guards left and quickly got up to close the door.

"Again, I'm sorry," she apologized, turning around to look at the Queen. Henrietta was still kneeling on the ground in a little bit of a daze.

Dove frowned and moved to crouch down next to her, "Henrietta? You going to be alright?" The startled look on the Queen's face had Dove hoping that the monarch wasn't offended by her impromptu sexual assault. Henrietta looked like she was considering something.

"Yes," she finally muttered, then turned to look Dove straight in the eye and blurted out, "Dove, are you lesbian?"

Dove flushed a bit at the sudden question but answered honestly, "Yes. Does that make you uncomfortable?"

"Not when you don't have me pinned between your legs," Henrietta responded with an awkward shrug.

"How could you tell?" Dove asked as she shifted to sitting at the table and the Queen on the bed.

Henrietta's face blushed as red as the guards who had been in there only seconds ago had been. "...I could tell," she eventually whispered, not trying to explain further.

"Ah," Dove said, just as mortified as Henrietta was. She prayed that this mission ended soon before the both died of embarrassment.


This time of year hates me.

first Santa drive by

then I fell of the roof pretending to be Santa.

I need a rest.

Anyway,

PLACE YOUR BETS!

Julio wakes up...

In a ransacked church.

Spooning with a Hobo.

Dressed in very convincing drag.

In bed with Sanguine.

Fan suggestion.

Merry christmas, happy Hanukkah, good Ramadan, peaceful Kwanzas, and good will to you all.