Finally
a new chapter. Another one that isn't one of my favorites but I think
the next one should be more in my comfort zone (I hope)
Please
comment and please don't get mad at Jude.
Chapter 54: Restitution
Jude was lost in her own thoughts and arguments long after Darius left. She pretty much handed Emma over to Tommy when he returned from the backyard and retired to her room. Darius' words kept playing over and over, like a confronting record set on loop and she buried her head in her hands as she sunk down onto the bed.
It didn't mean anything. Not really. Sure, Tommy loved her and she loved him. How could you not care about someone after you'd been through so much with them? He was her best friend, her co-parent, her roommate, sure she cared about him and him her.
But... maybe it would be kind of nice if Darius' implication were correct and Tommy did harbor some deeper affection for her. Wouldn't it?
No. No, she couldn't think like that. She wouldn't think like that. This wasn't some high school crush. This mattered. This was real life and she couldn't let her mind be swayed by outside opinions. She wasn't going to let what Darius thought, or Sadie (or anyone else for that matter), become her truth.
She wasn't going to think about it anymore, not right now anyway. She could hear Emma crying down stairs and it was time to relieve Tommy. Maybe tomorrow she'd feel a little braver. Maybe tomorrow she'd know what to do.
--
Sadie was visiting. Since Jude's house work break down a little over a week earlier, she'd made it a regular occasion; turning up every few days to help out with chores here and there but mostly to play with her niece. The two were in Jude's room, Sadie folding laundry and depositing it in drawers and Jude finishing off changing one of Emma's diapers.
As she was reaching for the partner to match the sock she was holding in her hands, Sadie's eyes paused on the bed then shifted to Jude suspiciously. "Anything you want to tell me?" she asked.
Jude glanced over at her sister, completely oblivious to her suspicions. "What do you mean?"
"Your bed wasn't slept in last night," she put a hand on her hips.
"How on earth would you know that?"
"Because I made it for you yesterday and you make your bed entirely differently from me. Frustrated by Jude's shameless expression she pointed at the bed accusingly. "It looks exactly the same!"
"Geez Nancy Drew. What is this? 'The case of the slumberless sister?'"
"I think you slumbered," she drew quotations marks in the air, "just fine. I want to know where."
Jude gaped at her. "Sadie, what are you implying?"
"That you," her voice fell to a high pitched whisper, which was amusing considering no one else was home, "slept with him."
Sadie's eyes were wide and wild and Jude couldn't help it, she burst out laughing. "So scandalous," she murmured through giggles. "What is this? An episode of 'Gossip Girl'? We slept in the same bed. That was it."
"You swear?"
She blushed, though not from guilt but merely
embarrassment. "I swear."
Sadie's eyebrows rose. "Is this
the first time?"
Jude shrugged, "it happened a couple of times," seeing the look in Sadie's eyes she quickly added, "and it doesn't mean anything. I just got lonely."
Sadie smiled, "it amuses me that after everything that's happened and how much you've grown this last year, that you can still be so naive."
Scoffing, Jude turned away and busied herself with tucking Emma into her cot. Despite her arguments there was doubt whirling around within her.
"Jude, you're drawn to one another and that isn't a bad thing. I've seen the way you look at each other, and you can't keep your hands off one another."
"I told you-"
She raised her hands to shush her, "I know, you have an excuse for everything but you're not being fair, not to Tommy and not to yourself. Jude, you said you wanted to wait until after Emma was born before you complicated your life by admitting the feelings you had for Tommy. But she's here, you're stronger then ever. What are you waiting for?"
Jude turned away from her sister's inquiring eyes. The same question had been running through her mind and the answer was simply a fear of rejection. It had been a long time since Tommy had expressed an interest and she'd so thoroughly shut it down. What if he didn't feel the same way anymore? What if she just made a fool of herself? After all this time of bottling and denying emotions she wasn't even sure what she felt for him. It had been a long road to admit that she even felt something and she wasn't going to allow herself to admit how minute or major that something might be.
She needed time. She needed to talk to him. She needed to find the right time.
--
Tommy caught a glimpse of Jude through her partially ajar bedroom door later that evening. He paused. She was standing in front of her mirror, holding a dress up in front of her and flattening the material against her stomach. As he watched she frowned, obviously unhappy with the post pregnancy weight she was still carrying. He assumed the sudden lack of confidence in her appearance may have something to do with Darius broaching the subject of a baby spread for People magazine. It had been mentioned in passing the day before and Tommy suspected that like himself, Jude wasn't entirely comfortable with the idea of pimping out their child.
He pushed the door open and walked in.
"Heard of knocking?" Jude asked, her tone more surprised then annoyed as the dress slipped from her hands and she busied herself straightening the bottles of perfume on her dresser.
"The door was like, open," he responded with a shrug. He sat down on the bed behind her and her eyes floated over to him in the mirror briefly before she retrieved the dress. "You're beautiful. You know that?"
"Please, I'm not looking for a compliment." She hung the dress in the closet and he caught her hand as she passed back by him. "I have stretch marks on my stomach the size of Ecuador," she muttered.
"They'll fade and even if they didn't it wouldn't matter at all. Jude, you're absolutely gorgeous. Even more so now then before your pregnancy and I probably shouldn't think this and I certainly shouldn't be saying it," he paused to press a kiss to the back of her hand then whispered huskily, "but I find you indescribably sexy."
Her hand slipped from his as if his touch were fire and flew up to cover her mouth as she gasped slightly. Her eyes were wide and he drew back in surprise, completely unaware of the way her heart had raced at his words.
"No," she whispered a little breathlessly before turning away. He refused to break the gaze when her eyes floated back to his in the mirror. "You probably shouldn't."
--
Tommy tapped a tune against the staring wheel as he gazed up at his childhood home. It had been over a week since his mother had called early one afternoon and invited him over for afternoon tea. His father was out of town on business and she'd hoped to take the opportunity to re-initiate her relationship with her son. He could tell she didn't know the details of the last time he and his father had seen one another but he could tell by the tone of her voice and the uncertainty of her words that she knew it had been bad.
He'd spent days silently pondering the visit, opting not to mention it to Jude who'd been acting nothing short of weird around him since Darius visit. And now here he was, countless memories flashing through his mind and his entire body super glued to the seat.
A curtain flickered on one of the kitchen windows and a moment later his mother appeared at the door, drying her hands with a dish towel. She clutched it nervously and smiled a shaky smile as she lifted a hand to wave to him.
At fifty, Ilene Dutoir appeared a much older woman. Her hair was speckled with gray streaks and there were lines on her forehead that told of years of abuse and stress. Her eyes were those of a woman who'd seen and suffered much in her lifetime but as she gazed down at her son and waited expectantly, there was something else; genuine happiness.
He climbed out of the car and locked it behind him. He knew the neighborhood and the types of children who frequented it. He'd been one.
"Hi Mom," he said with a sheepish shrug as he reached the bottom step and looked up at her.
"Oh Tommy," she cried as she flung her arms around him.
--
Jude ignored her mother's amused chuckle as she nervously watched Sadie lower baby Emma down to touch the sparkling blue water of the baby paddling pool. She, Sadie and their mother had met up for an impromptu girl's day. First stop: the park.
"You're one of those worry wart mothers, aren't you?" Victoria asked.
Jude shook her head, "what if she drops her? Emma gets excited around water and she has a tendency to squirm."
"Sadie can handle a squirming one month old."
"I know." Jude sighed and leaned back against the park bench. With much effort she turned her eyes from her daughter to her mother. "So how's Dad?"
Victoria smiled sympathetically and patted her daughter's hand. "The same self-righteous, cantankerous old fool he ever was. Only now he feels a little guilty, not that he'd ever admit it, and he misses you terribly."
Sadie returned with Emma then and there was a moment of fuss as Victoria insisted the baby be handed to her.
"So where's tommy today?" Sadie asked as she sat down beside her mother.
Jude frowned. "I'm not sure. He was vague and distracted this morning so I kind of left him to himself."
"Ooh," Sadie teased, "maybe he's having an affair."
"Sadie!" Victoria's voice was scolding, "that's a horrible thing to say."
Jude rolled her eyes, "it's not like it would really be an affair." Her eyes widened to reflect Sadie's shocked expression as she realized what she'd said, or more precisely, who she'd said it in front of.
"What do you mean?" Victoria asked.
"Oh, just that, well," Jude fumbled for words, "I've been so distracted with Emma lately. Who could really blame him?"
"That's no excuse," Victoria shook her head vehemently, "there is never an excuse for cheating."
"Well just as well no one is," Sadie said with a nervous laugh, "I was just joking."
Victoria made a disapproving sound in the back of her throat but the subject was dropped.
"Mom was just telling me about Dad," Jude said, in desperation to fill the awkward silence that had settled. "She said he's been cantankerous."
Sadie snorted, "down right miserable is more like it." He knows he's an idiot.
"He knows he's wrong too," Victoria spoke in a distracted tone, her eyes on the rustling leaves of a distant tree.
Jude peered at her. "Are you okay Mom?"
"Girls, I want to tell you something I never told anyone before but I think we should talk about it over lunch. What do you say?" Her question was somehow rhetorical as she instantly got up and began walking with Emma back to the car, pointing out birds and clouds to the alert baby as she went.
"Do you know what this is about?" Jude asked Sadie as they followed behind.
Sadie shrugged, "not a clue."
--
The kitchen had changed since the last time Tommy had been inside it. In fact the entire house had. His mother had explained, during the nervous small talk at the beginning of his visit that she and his father had been working on refurnishing the house since he began counseling. It had been on a tight budget, forcing them to be creative with their methods. The kitchen was painted a spring time yellow and a cheerful painting of a sunflower, bearing his mother's proud signature, hung over the table. The atmosphere in the house had changed and it made the visit so much easier.
Awkward small talk had led to the sharing of baby photos and Ilene had poured over every detail with the sheer excitement of a first time grandmother. Numerous questions has been asked about weight and diet and personality and he'd answered each one easily.
"So tell me about your girlfriend?" Ilene urged. "I spoke to her briefly when I first called you but I'm afraid I was rather short."
He shrugged, "uh, there's not that much to tell. We work together at the record label. She's a really talented artist."
Ilene's head tilted to the side thoughtfully as she gazed at him, "why do I sense it's a complicated relationship?"
He met his mothers inquisitive gaze and a glimmer of memories of conversations about girls in this same kitchen, many years ago, flashed across his mind. Only now he couldn't divulge everything and the dramas of high school crushes seemed so appealingly simplistic.
"Well, she's seventeen. We worked together and shouldn't have had a romantic relationship. It's been controversial. We weren't really ready for a relationship this serious and there's been a lot of growing and adjusting in a small time."
She shook her head, "no. That's not it." He rolled his eyes and she leaned across the table to pat his hand affectionately, "I still know you Tom-Tom. You're like an open book to me."
He sighed. "I don't know how she really feels about me anymore. We've been putting on this show for the press, trying to defend ourselves and our daughter's existence. It's like our relationship grew on the outside but I'm not sure if the things we've said when others were listening where really how we felt." He blinked repeatedly as his mind danced over memories of he and Jude; their fake first date, the press conference, that kiss at G-Major, the ultrasound, spending the night together only a few days ago - it was like they were playing on a movie screen in front of his eyes, so close yet so far away. One moment they were solid and real and the next just an illusion in a memory. He looked away. "I'm sorry. I can't explain it fairly."
"How do you feel about her?" He looked back at her and his eyes lingered on hers silently. He didn't know what to say or how to say it but he didn't need to. "Oh," she nodded knowingly. "Have you spoken to her about this?"
He shook his head. "The last time I tried it just about ruined everything and now the stakes only seem higher."
Ilene was silent for a few long moments and he reached over to touch her hand lightly. "Mom?"
She chewed on her bottom lip as tears pooled in her eyes. "I want to tell you to be brave and take that risk but I have no right to do that."
"Please Mom, we don't have to-"
"No," she shook her head vehemently, "Tommy, I'm so sorry for how much I let you and your sister down. I thought my decisions only affected me and that I could suffer through whatever your father dealt but I never realized how much of a price the two of you paid. Even when you were young and our fights were so few and far between. I should have been a stronger person. I should have been a better mother to you."
Her voice was so laden with emotion that it only served to make Tommy feel guilty for the time that had passed without any contact between the two of them. Despite all that had happened and the mistakes his mother had made, he'd never hated her. He had hated the way she'd behaved and the fact that she left him no choice but to put distance between them but now all of that was forgotten. All he felt for the woman crying in front of him was love and appreciation, appreciation for all she did do for him and no memory of what she didn't.
"It's in the past Mom. I'm here. I love you and that's all that matters."
--
Emma, Jude, Sadie and their mother were seated on a balcony outside the Cafe. Bright read sun umbrellas rose up above the picnic tables that dotted the balcony and a small girl in a bright pink dress was running between the tables and twirling around like a ballerina, her dress flying up around her like a tutu. Veronica fanned her face with her hand while her two daughter's stared at her expectantly.
"So what's going on Mom?" Sadie was trying to sound nonchalant as she reached for the pot of jam to spread on her Devonshire scone, but nonchalant really wasn't a Sadie Harrison quality.
Victoria glanced out to the sparkling river that ran alongside the Cafe and seemed lost in thought for awhile.
"Do you remember seeing pictures of your Father and I's wedding?" she asked a moment later.
Sadie grinned, "Yes. You had the most beautiful dress."
Jude had just finished feeding Emma and was straightening her top. She glanced over at her mother, wondering what a wedding had to do with her mother's big secret.
"It wasn't our first."
Jude shook her head, "I don't understand."
"Your Father and I met while we were in college. We were both on the other side of the country from our families and both terribly home sick. As things became more serious between us we got closer..."
"Oh, please Mom. Let's not go into the details," Sadie groaned.
Victoria rolled her eyes. "To cut a long story short: I got pregnant."
Sadie froze. Slowly her eyes drifted to Jude as the two calculated in their minds. "But you were twenty-four when I was born," Sadie said slowly.
Victoria nodded. "We both panicked. We knew our families wouldn't approve. His were academics who didn't even approve of the idea of him dating while in college. They thought school should come first. Mine were the opposite, they didn't understand why I was bothering with school when I should just be finding a husband and getting married." She ran a hand through her hair, tucked a strand behind her ear and smiled at the child ballerina as she raced past the table.
"We contemplated our options and fought a lot over the next month or so. Just as his parents had expected, school was placed on the back burner and our relationship, and future, became the topic of all energy and thought. Eventually we decided to get married. We eloped a few weeks before the end of the school year and when we went home for Summer Vacation, we told our families that we'd gotten married during Spring Break. I believe we even spun some tale about Las Vegas and a drunken visit to an Elvis Chapel." She laughed to herself, the laugh of a woman both amused and tortured by the mistakes of her youth. "It turns out we needn't have caused ourselves the strife and lectures that came our way constantly that Summer. I lost the baby at about four and a half months."
Jude gasped and clutched Emma to her a little tighter while Sadie reached across the table to take her mother's hand.
"After our families reactions to the wedding, we'd put off telling them about the pregnancy. What little I showed I managed to hide successfully and in the end we never told anyone about the baby. We went back to school, got an apartment together rather then staying in the dorms, and then we pretended that we'd gotten married because of a drunk Spring Break adventure, that we were young and carefree and that nothing was the matter. Over time I told myself I'd forgotten but I never did."
"So when was the wedding we saw in the pictures?" Sadie asked.
"Shortly after we graduated from college. About a year after we eloped. Our families seemed to silently decide that that was when our real marriage began and it just seemed easier to be that couple."
"Why didn't you ever tell us?" Jude asked softly.
"Because I was ashamed."
Jude nodded slowly. "So basically... my Father is a giant hypocrite?"
Sadie glanced between her mother and Jude, then shifted so that her left hand was resting on her mother's and her right hand was patting Jude's shoulder. She just hoped Emma wasn't going to need comforting too, all she had left were feet and she wasn't wearing her cutest shoes.
"I don't think he really thought about it in relation to his own life," Victoria tried to explain, "after all these years and never talking about it once, it was almost as if he forgot."
Jude shook her head angrily, "You don't forget something like that."
"Jude-"
"No! You don't. You didn't!" to herself she murmured, 'Tommy didn't.'
"Maybe that's why he was so upset?" Sadie spoke softly, somehow feeling an intruder in the conversation. "Because he saw you making the same mistake he'd made and he was worried about you."
Tears were sparkling in Jude's eyes and she shook her head repeatedly. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."
--
Ilene's eyes had drifted to the window just over Tommy's shoulder and judging by her expression, what she saw through it wasn't good. When he turned to see a car pulling up and his father climbing out he couldn't get out of his chair quick enough.
"Maybe you should go out the back way?" his mother suggested nervously.
"No, I'm not sneaking around." He shrugged on his jacket and started for the door, just as it opened and his Father stepped inside. He seemed bigger somehow, in a house where Tommy had so many memories of himself being smaller. His father's bulk blocked the front door and seemed to tower over him as he stepped forward defiantly.
"Tommy," he sounded truly surprised to see his son. "That's your car parked out front?"
"Excuse me, I was just leaving," he attempted to move past his father and toward the door but the man refused to budge.
"Tommy, wait. I'm... I'm glad you came to visit your mother today. She's missed you, a lot. Please don't let me stop you from coming again. I'll make sure to leave the house when you two plan to meet. Whatever makes you comfortable."
Tommy was taken aback at his words, at seeing his father for the first time put his mother first. Maybe, somehow, things had changed. He nodded silently and turned to give his mother a kiss, then without another word he left the house.
--
It was almost completely dark when Tommy arrived home from his visit with his mother. Only a couple of lamps were on in the house, and the windows glowed ominously as he walked up to the front door. After a quick search of the house he found Jude sitting on the swinging chair on the back porch with Emma asleep in her arms.
She smiled weakly at him, "hey man of mystery. How did your day go? Is the world once again rid of all evil?"
He grinned and leaned against one of the support beams, "I don't save and tell."
"Ah," she nodded seriously, "well, you don't fool me Mr. Kent. I know there's an outrageous Lycra outfit with a giant 'S' emblazoned on the front, hiding under all the denim and leather."
He chuckled, "nothing gets by you does it. So how was your day?"
The relaxed smile that had lit her features slowly began to fade as her expression became unreadable. She closed her eyes for a second and ran a finger across her forehead, just above her eyebrows. "I found out my parents were pregnant when they got married," she said calmly. She opened her eyes, "kinda sounds familiar huh?"
--
Tommy was doing his beset to imagine the giant 'S' Jude had teased him about, emblazoned on the front of his white T shirt as he walked up the familiar path to her parents front door. He rung the doorbell twice then shoved his hands in his pockets as he waited in the chilly night air. He could hear approaching footsteps and a second later the door swung open. Stuart looked less then pleased to see him.
Tommy raised his eyebrows questioningly, "Deja Vu?"
Teasers for Chapter 55
"Well,"
she set down the glass of juice she'd been sipping from. "Today I'm
Mary Poppins and in ten minutes you two are banished from this
house." Tommy choked on his mouthful of pancake and Jude
patted his back as she stared at her sister. "What?" "I'm
giving you a free day off. Consider it Mommy and Daddy time. That's
the only rule; you've got to spend the day together and no meeting up
with anyone else."
