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Chapter 55: The Anti-Umbridge League
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'BY ORDER OF THE HIGH INQUISITOR OF HOGWARTS
All student organizations, societies, teams, groups and clubs are henceforth disbanded.
An organization, society, team, group or club is hereby defined as a regular meeting of three or more students.
Permission to re-form may be sought from the High Inquisitor (Professor Umbridge).
No student organization, society, team, group or club may exist without the knowledge and approval of the High Inquisitor.
Any student found to have formed, or to belong to, an organization, society, team, group or club that has not been approved by the High Inquisitor will be expelled.
The above is in accordance with Educational Decree Number Twenty-four.
Signed: Dolores Jane Umbridge, High Inquisitor.'
Cullen Montague pitched a fit.
Jack was laughing all the way up to the Great Hall that morning, "Oh my god, Jack, did you see the notice out there?" Gwen asked, running up to him, "How does she expect to keep people who happened to have more than one friend apart? It's just cruel, if you ask me!" Yeah, he could see that being a problem. "Tosh is already trying to appeal on behalf of the tech club. Not that she's going to call it that to that... woman's face."
The rage and hesitation before the word 'woman' made it clear that it was dubious in Gwen's mind whether Dolores Umbridge was in fact human, or worthy of the title 'Evil Alien'.
He turned to her and placed a hand on each of her shoulders, in a comforting but direct gesture, "Someone should tell her that breakfast counts as a regular meeting of three or more students." he said simply.
That started her laughing, "Oh, I'm going to tell Owen that!" and she was off.
Jack proceeded to make his way over to the Hufflepuff table. "Hey, I see that threesomes have been banned within school grounds." he said irreverently, sitting down next to Ianto.
Ianto shot him a darkly bemused smile, "Yes, because that was ever going to be a problem."
"It is when she means it in the platonic sense." Jack muttered, stealing a piece of toast from the tray in front of him.
"She'll never break our team up." Ianto said idly, "And if she tries, I will personally see to it that she has a very close encounter with Janet."
"Oh, but she doesn't seem like a Weevil's type, does she?" Jack snorted, "You know we're going to need to arrange a relay system to keep Owen's evil master-plan going."
"I'm already working on it." Ianto said with a curt nod, "How does three weeks from now sound for phase two?"
"Which one's that, again?" Jack asked.
"UNIT impersonations."
"Sounds fun. We should try to get some of those little red hats." Jack teased.
"Beyond my power, I'm afraid." Ianto chuckled.
"Nothing is beyond your power, Ianto Jones."
"Hmm. I suppose I could tear down some of the curtains in the dormitories. Bit of transfiguration. House colours. What do you think?" Ianto was being sarcastic.
"You still have to wear red." Jack was not.
Ianto rolled his eyes and very pointedly returned his attention to his breakfast. He was trying not to laugh, and while Jack did love to push him, he was capable of recognising when he'd gone too far... and so he reluctantly left him to it.
x x x
It was now about the middle of October. The school term was well and truly underway, and time had just taken to flying in that horrible way that really makes homework an issue.
Draco wandered into the Slytherin common room with an armful of said unwanted homework. Herbology, Transfiguration, Charms... even Potions was getting to be a problem, and Snape actually liked him! And that's not even counting Quidditch practices three times a week, Monday nights no matter the weather, as if Montague thought it was a religion, plus two other day at irregular intervals depending on who else was wasting their time hogging the pitch.
But just as he dumped the pile of books and papers on the table by the fireplace, he noticed something was off. He turned slowly around to see that two third-years were sitting on the only couch in the common room (all other seating being individual chairs). They were drawing sceptical stares from several Slytherins, but nobody seemed willing to comment on it yet.
It seemed that if you wanted something done in this house, you just had to do it yourself. Draco sighed and approached the couch upon which the offending parties were seated.
"Jack..." he asked sceptically, "Why is there a Hufflepuff in our common room?"
The Hufflepuff boy in question was sitting right next to Jack, reading a book that was held between the two of them. He didn't even deign to look up, but it was he who answered the question, "Because she has allies in the library."
Jack, meanwhile, did look up at Draco, "We're just researching an extra-credit project." he answered in a fairly effective impression of innocence.
Draco wasn't buying it, though, and he peered over Jack's shoulder at the book- from the Slytherin House bookshelves, no less- that both third years were looking through, "You're reading about blood magic?"
"Just getting our facts straight." the Hufflepuff- Ianto Jones, if Draco remembered correctly- said, looking up now, with a much better illusion of naivete. Draco almost fell for it. Almost.
"About what, exactly?" he asked, glancing at the specific page they had been reading. "How to blood-bind someone to a contract?"
"Yes." Ianto said, nodding, before returning his attention to the book.
"What did you mean, 'she'?" Draco asked.
"Dolores Umbridge has been using blood quills for detention." Jack said, looking right at Draco and this time the honesty was genuine, "We're out for revenge."
Draco's eyes lit up at this thought, "Not blackmail?"
"No, she had her chance." Ianto said idly, "I offered her a compromise, she gave me a detention."
"With the blood quill?" Jack asked, and Ianto nodded slowly. That elicited a literal growl from Jack, which was just disturbing enough to make Draco back up half a step.
"She made me write, 'I must not blackmail Hogwarts faculty'." Ianto explained dismissively, "Worth the extra words to allow me to blackmail others later."
"What do you mean?" Draco asked, frowning slightly, moving to try to get a better view of the book, sure that the answers had to be in there somewhere.
"According to this, a blood quill is designed to magically bind its writer." Ianto said coldly, "It's typically used for signing contracts that already contain binding magic, but even on its own... if you write something often enough you can be forced to obey it." He sneered, and added in what was clearly a quote from the woman herself, "Once the message 'sinks in'."
"I can't believe you tried to make a deal with her." Jack said, distractedly angry at what he had just heard. It didn't bother Ianto, and the anger was clearly aimed at Umbridge, but it still made Draco wary of the younger Slytherin.
"I'd rather not have more enemies. She left me no choice." Ianto said bluntly.
"How is he not in our house?" Draco asked, stunned.
"I've wondered that, myself." Jack said with a vague smirk. He was clearly still too angry to be truly cheerful, but he did an excellent impersonation of it.
"Consider him welcome, as long as he doesn't bring his own housemates as well." Draco said, laughing.
"They don't trust me, anyway." Ianto muttered.
Draco stared at him for a moment before muttering sarcastically, "I wonder why."
x x x
Harry and Jack had been meeting every weekend for their mental defence lessons.
Harry hadn't read the books on Occlumency, but Jack had, and he assured Harry that it was basically the hard way to do things. Some people could do it more easily than others, but the slightest glimpse of Harry's mind on their second lesson had made him absolutely certain that Harry was not one of those people.
In fact, there were only a few people Jack had ever really known well enough to say that they could have completely cleared their minds as Occlumency demanded. Three of them were Time Agents, one was an alien that Jack was quite sure was genetically predisposed to that sort of ability... and the other one was in Hufflepuff.
Ironically, the best telepaths he knew had both been completely incapable of even blocking out their own internal babbling for as long as it took to attempt to read Jack's mind. Hearing fragments of the Master's thought-processes had been torture enough, even though the demented Time Lord had in fact failed to break through Jack's own mental shields.
On their fifth lesson, Jack tried a little harder than usual to break past the mundane mantra of Quidditch statistics. This week it was league tables of the popular British teams, oddly focused around the very worst team (Chudley Cannons) and what sounded like Ron Weasley's glowing opinion of said team.
What he found behind that was much more interesting.
A mumble of conversation, out of which he could only catch a few snippets of Hermione Granger's voice over the muffled background buzz of several other people's words, "-because nobody could call that Defence Against the Dark Arts-" "-we're talking about learning to defend ourselves against V-Voldemort's Death Eaters-" "I- I think everybody should write their name down-"
The image of a list was blurred, and Jack couldn't make out the names, but there was a strong sense of importance to it. Twenty-eight names that inspired a sense of both fear and pride in Harry.
Jack released the telepathic link, and gave him an odd look, "What was that?"
"You're not giving me time to react." Harry complained.
"You need to learn to react faster." Jack said gently, "I'm trying to give you the chance, but it needs to become instinct. And I don't really think the Quidditch is enough, to be honest."
Harry sulked a bit, but didn't argue.
"But what was that list?" He saw Harry's reluctance to answer, and decided that it couldn't hurt to flatter, "You know, I'm impressed you kept the names from me. It would be better if I hadn't seen it in the first place, but considering we've only been doing this for a month, that was still very good."
Harry gave him a wary look, "Are you trying to make me tell you what you want to hear, by telling me what I want to hear first?"
"Yes." Jack said bluntly.
Harry chuckled nervously, "I really shouldn't. It's..." but then he trailed off, thinking carefully.
"I just want to help." Jack said softly. Perfectly sincere.
After a moment, Harry shook his head, as if to dispel his reservations on the matter, "You're right. I shouldn't have let you be excluded, just because you're a Slytherin. Or your friends, because... well, they're your friends." He seemed incredibly uncomfortable with this admission. But then another thought must have occurred to him, "Hey... just how private is this room, anyway?"
"Magic-proof lock on the door." Jack offered with a shrug and a bemused smirk.
"I think you should join us." Harry said with a firm nod.
x x x
The entire Torchwood team made their individual ways up to the seventh floor room before anyone else.
Commlinks, an alliance with the Weasley twins, and their collective experience of hunting some frighteningly perceptive aliens over their time at Torchwood, made it almost too easy for them to slip up there unnoticed by anyone else.
The room had changed, once more. Even larger still than it had become when Jack had brought Harry here to study mental defences, every available wall was now lined with bookcases stuffed to bursting point with a vast array of titles on the subject of defence against the dark arts.
Some of the books were even on the Dark Arts themselves, interestingly labelled, 'Fighting Fire With Fire; Defensive Uses Of Dark Magic', 'Learn The Dark Arts So You Can Stop Others From Using Them', and '1001 Terrible Curses And How To Make Them Backfire (Updated Version; 1981)'.
There was a new section of open floor-space, all padded like a training area. Target-practice dummies lined up along one wall. And one set of shelves containing a wide range of useful-looking magical devices, instead of books.
"I really hope whatever transfigured this room didn't throw out the magical coffee maker." Ianto had muttered, before wandering over to examine the other enchanted artefacts.
"Look at all these books!" Tosh cried, before promptly grabbing the biggest one and starting to read.
"How did you find this place, Jack?" Gwen asked, amazed.
But before he could answer, the door opened again.
"Oi, I thought this was supposed to be a secure place!" Ron Weasley shouted.
"Nice to see you, too, Weasley." Jack said cheerfully.
None of the other four spoke, most likely for the reason that they had nothing positive to say, and this was pretty much a diplomatic mission of peace.
"Wow, you weren't kidding when you said this place changed." Harry said, following Ron into the room. Unlike Hermione, who followed him in and immediately made a beeline for the bookshelves, Harry was eyeing up the target dummies and padded training floor, "This is perfect!"
"Hey, wait a minute!" Ron yelled, "It's not perfect! There's a stinking Slytherin standing right there!"
"Within earshot." Jack added, not quite sure if he was trying to resist the urge to laugh or to punch Weasley in the face. Both were likely.
Hermione could be heard to sigh dramatically, and Jack glanced in her direction just in time to see her exchange a blatantly exasperated look with Tosh, and both rolled their eyes. Hermione then took a book and settled down right next to the younger Ravenclaw, to read. Or possibly more accurately, to bury her nose in the book so that her opinion was not called upon if Weasley sought backup.
It was Harry who spoke up in Jack's defence, "Look, Ron, they have just as much right to learn as anyone."
"But he's a-" Ron began, but Harry cut across him.
"I don't care what house he's in, Ron! He's still on our side!"
"How'd you figure?" a fifth-year Hufflepuff named Ernie Macmillan, asked. It was then that Jack noticed there were about two dozen more people here now. In fact, if Jack had to guess, everyone on that list was now present. And Ernie was at the front of the group.
"Might have something to do with the fact that I saved his life by kicking a Death Eater in the groin." Jack said bluntly.
Owen snorted with poorly suppressed laughter.
"I might not have been paying as much attention to detail as I should, at the time..." Harry said carefully, "But I'm quite sure it was your knee, Jack."
"I stand corrected." Jack said, smirking now. Everyone else in the room now was either laughing or trying very hard not to. Except Ron, who was just staring blankly, as incomprehension overtook anger in the war for his facial expressions.
"I... I don't get it." Ron mumbled, confused.
THUMP.
Hermione had loudly snapped her book closed, and now she stood up slowly, her own anger barely held back behind as expression of forced calm, "Peter Pettigrew was a Gryffindor. Barty Crouch Junior was a Hufflepuff. Rita Skeeter was a Ravenclaw." With each name took a step ominously closer to Ron, "I've lost count how many times you've said that 'not a witch or wizard went bad who wasn't in Slytherin', but that's clearly wrong. Some of the Ministry's top Aurors are former-Slytherins. In fact, from the evidence I could find, they're generally less corrupt than the former-Gryffindors in the Aurors. Probably because they have a stigma to overthrow, thanks to narrow-minded people like you."
She was now standing right in front of him, managing to look down at him when she was half a foot shorter than him, and as close to screaming in his face as she could reach.
"If you can't accept the evidence that your theory might be flawed, Ron, then you'll have to accept the evidence that I'm never helping with your homework again."
Silence reigned for a couple of seconds, as her words sank in. Then slowly someone in the group began to applaud. It was the Ravenclaw Quidditch team's Seeker, Cho Chang. And the other Ravenclaws quickly followed Cho's lead, as did Cedric Diggory... and soon after that the rest of the Hufflepuffs present. Fred and George joined in, eagerly taking the side that was opposed to their little brother.
When Harry smiled grimly and clapped as well, even the remaining Gryffindors joined him. Hermione literally earned herself a standing ovation for knocking Ron down a peg, and she blushed furiously at the realisation that she suddenly had so much attention focused on her.
When the applause died down, Ron didn't speak. Either too embarrassed or too bewildered. It didn't matter. Harry stepped towards the two, and said in a carefully placating tone, "Ron, she's right. Please, just give them a chance."
Ron glared at Jack, more than at any of the others... but finally he conceded to the overwhelming force of peer pressure. "Fine." he sulked darkly.
"But to compromise, you need to sign the list." Hermione said, turning to face the five Torchwood students, "To promise that you won't tell anyone about this unless it's okay with the rest of us."
Harry gave Jack and Ianto a half-amused look, "Since some of us don't know how to cast the Fidelius Charm, we sort of have to take your word."
"Fidelius Charm?" whisperers rushed around the group of students, and Jack rolled his eyes in exasperation.
"None of us cast it." he said defensively, "We just know someone who did, that's all."
Harry didn't seem ashamed in the slightest for bringing it up, just shrugged and waited as Hermione rooted out the parchment list and offered it to Jack first.
"Magically binding, is it?" Jack asked in a teasing tone, taking out his favourite (and very much Muggle) pen and signing anyway, not waiting for an answer.
"No, doesn't force you to do anything." Hermione said. Jack thought he detected a little too much emphasise in the word 'force', and he was certain she spoke far too fast about something as insignificant as a harmless sign-up sheet.
"Just evidence of implication, then?" Tosh suggested as Jack handed the pen to Ianto. Ianto signed with minimal hesitation at Tosh's words, and passed it on. Once they were all added to the list, Hermione quickly took it back and turned to face everyone else.
"To business, then." she said promptly.
"You know, it's bizarre." one of the Weasley twins said, staring around the room in deep thought, "We once hid from Filch in here-" he nudged his twin, "Remember, George? But it was just a broom cupboard then."
"It was much smaller the last time I was in here, as well." Ianto added bluntly, with no explanation as to why he had been there, "But not that small."
Harry nodded, "It seems to change... not sure how, or why, but it's exactly what we need for today."
"Hey, Harry, what's this stuff?" Dean Thomas asked, having wandered over to the back of the room, where he was eyeing the shelves of magical devices.
"Dark detectors." Harry answered, "Basically they all show when dark wizards or enemies are around, but you don't want to rely on them too much. They can be fooled."
He paused to stare into the Foe Glass there for a moment, then with what seemed to be an air of satisfaction at what he had seen- or more likely not seen- there, he turned back to face the rest of the students present, "Well, I've been thinking about the sort of stuff we ought to do first and-"
And Hermione had raised her hand as if they were in a classroom.
"Er... what, Hermione?" he asked, confused.
"I think we ought to elect a leader." she answered brightly.
"Harry's the leader." Neville Longbottom said, utterly baffled that there was any question about it.
"Yes, but I think we ought to vote on it properly." Hermione explained, "It makes it formal and it gives him authority. So, everyone who thinks Harry ought to be our leader?"
Everyone in the room raised their hands. Absolutely everyone. Well, except for Harry himself, who just looked kind of confused. Ron gave Jack a dark look for agreeing with the crowd and therefore disagreeing with Ron's theory that he was evil.
"Er- right, thanks." Harry continued, beginning to turn red from nervous embarrassment at the show of support he had just received. "And- what, Hermione?" For her hand was in the air once more.
"I also think we ought to have a name." she said just a little bit too chirpily for the way Harry and several of the other students were looking at her right now. "It would promote a feeling of team spirit and unity, don't you think?"
"Can we be the Anti-Umbridge League?" Angelina Johnson offered hopefully.
"Or the Ministry Of Magic Are Morons Group?" a Weasley twin suggested.
"I was thinking-" Hermione said, with a pointed frown at the twin who had spoken, "-more of a name that didn't tell everyone what we were up to, so we can refer to it safely outside meetings."
"Excalibur?" Jack suggested, trying not to laugh.
He was perfectly prepared to continue the line of thought, to the conclusion of the in-joke only his own team would get... had Owen not picked up on it himself and continued, "Blizzard!"
Gwen snorted with laughter and offered, "Bikini Cops!"
Tosh and Ianto rolled their eyed together, and exchanged an exasperated look. "You know, I should be offended." Ianto muttered, "But it's just too funny."
Once everyone was done giving them confused looks, Cho Chang finally spoke up quietly, "How about the Defence Association? The D.A. for short, so nobody knows what we're talking about?"
"Yeah, the D.A.'s good." Ginny Weasley piped up, "Only let's make it stand for Dumbledore's Army, because that's the Ministry's worst fear, isn't it?"
In the midst of everyone else laughing, only the closely gathered Torchwood team heard- or could have understood the joke anyway- when Ianto perfectly mimicked John Hart's accent for two words, "Oh dear."
Once everyone else had started to settle down, Hermione announced clearly, "All in favour of the D.A.?" Almost everyone- including the Torchwood team, who in spite of their jokes did not want any official names to be associated with one of their nemeses- raised their hands. "That's a majority. Motion passed!"
"Little miss officiator strikes again." Owen snickered, earning an idle smack upside the head from Gwen.
Hermione carefully wrote 'DUMBLEDORE'S ARMY' across the top of the list of names, and then pocketed it.
"Right." Harry said, finally taking control now that Hermione had had her fill of bureaucratic mania for the evening, "Shall we get practicing then? I was thinking, the first thing we should do is Expelliarmus, you know, the Disarming Charm. I know it's pretty basic but I've found it really useful-"
"Oh, please." Zacharias Smith interrupted, rolling his eyes and folding his arms. "I don't think Expelliarmus is exactly going to help us against You-Know-Who, do you?"
"I've used it against him." Harry said simply. "It saved my life in June."
Utter silence. Everyone stared at Harry in amazement and awe, while Smith impersonated a dumbstruck goldfish.
"But if you think it's beneath you, you can leave."
Nobody moved.
"Okay." Harry said, trying very hard to gain some air of authority. His last words there certainly had gained their total respect, but he still looked terribly nervous. "I reckon we should all divide into pairs and practice."
Jack and Ianto naturally paired off together, as did Owen and Tosh, leaving poor Gwen to be paired with Neville Longbottom.
Time did seem to fly, as Harry called out instructions, and walked around the room correcting people's wand-movements and pronunciations of incantations.
Eventually, however, it had to end sometime.
Harry blew loudly on a whistle- where he got it from was a mystery- to get everyone's attention, and then announced, "Well, that was pretty good, but we've overrun, we'd better leave it here. Same time, same place next week?"
"Sooner!" Dean Thomas shouted out, and several people expressed their agreement.
"The Quidditch season's about to start." Angelina Johnson pointed out, "We need team practices too!"
"I have a suggestion." Jack said, raising his hand. Everyone turned to look at him, some with distrust, but most with honest curiosity, "Slytherin's Quidditch practices are always on Mondays, at six PM."
The other students exchanged looks with each other for that- some of confusion, some of amused understanding- and the standard murmuring at any interesting announcement started up... until Harry spoke up, cutting them all off and taking control of the room once more. He was clearly one of the ones who understood what Jack was suggesting. "And none of them are likely to want to join us."
"Their collective IQ couldn't keep up with Umbridge's classes, let alone this. It never ceases to amaze me when certain individuals find their way to breakfast on time and fully clothed every morning." Jack said flatly, earning a few snickers from the other students- mostly Ravenclaws but also the Weasley twins. "But their collective mass will be occupying the Quidditch pitch, giving the other three teams regular and guaranteed free time."
Nobody could possibly have missed the eager gleam in Angelina's eyes at this suggestion. A supernova would have turned and stared.
"Alright, then." Harry agreed with a nod, "We'll all meet back here on Monday night."
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