I post my apologies even here.

I hadn't supposed it would take so much to have a new chapter ready.

I hope I didn't lose too many of you.

Happy new year, guys!

To you and all your families.


There's a moment in our life when we have to clear out our conscience.

We feel this overwhelming instinct… need… impulse.

We give out all we've jealously kept in the depths of our souls.

You can call it a moment of strength, you can call it a moment of weakness.

Aren't they the same after all?


Derek fumbled with Meredith's home keys sighing.

He was exhausted and felt worse.

Seattle's moist weather was adding to his gloomy mood, an insistent rain was drenching everything, making the sky even darker than the late afternoon hour would imply.

Warm spread through his bones when he pushed the front door open and the familiar smell of wood entered his nostrils.

He brushed away the rain drops splattered on his collar and raked his damp hair into a messy style.

His day at the hospital had been tough and tiring and all he wished was a shower and some time with the most important people of his life.

He had briefed Hunt on the impossible tumor to operate on and the conversation had quickly slipped out of control. He hadn't foreseen that kind of reaction from his side and he didn't know where the fight left him and, most of all, his patient.

The Chief had scheduled a briefing with a medical commission, half of which was composed by Board members who had nothing to do with science.

Along with that, Mrs. Fraser had played with his nerves and dropped double meanings all day long.

Made cocky by the successful surgery and the attentions he had been bound to devote her, she had tried to approach him all over again.

He chuckled setting his briefcase down onto the floor and hanging his coat in the corridor.

She had been lucky Meredith wasn't at the hospital.

She would have turned into a green monster of jealousy and indignation.

He unbuttoned the cuffs of his shirt and rolled the sweater sleeves up to his elbows.

He peered into the kitchen but the room was dark and Meredith wasn't there.

There was a sweet aroma lingering in the air and his stomach grumbled, Derek had skipped lunch and a coffee was everything his mouth had tasted since morning. He was hungry and he hoped his smell had sensed something edible and available.

Not yet, by the way.

He wanted to greet his wife first thing.

The living room was silent and empty as well and he headed upstairs.

He kicked off his shoes at the bottom of the stairs and took the steps two at a time.

The corridor was full of boxes he had packed to move into the new house and everything looked strangely tidy.

He hoped Meredith hadn't got so bored to decide to clean the house by herself.

Derek stopped outside their bedroom trying to perceive any sign of life beyond the door. His lips twitched in a smile realizing he was acting weird, like a stalker. This was his house too and Meredith was his wife, he didn't need to spy from the keyhole.

He noticed a halo of light glistening on the floor under the door and opened the barrier between himself and the rest of his family. Meredith was lying stretched on the bed, over the covers, reading a book. She was wearing a pair of jeans and a blouse, her hair was falling free on her shoulders. Her stare lifted when the door opened and she smiled to her husband.

"Hey…" she breathed out, leaning the back of her novel book against her chest.

"Hey…" Derek answered, sitting on her bed and lacing his fingers with hers. "You look tired…" he added softly, kissing her lips, his thumb stroking her face tenderly.

"I am… I had totally underestimated how tiring and boring is doing nothing all day" she chuckled, bumping her nose against his. "I've tried to busy my time in many ways but… I've finally ended up with my hopeless mission to read Anna Karenina"

"Again?" Derek asked laughing, remembering how many times she had already started and given up the idea.

"Again…" she sighed, setting the book on her nightstand. "I just needed to blow my mind after the day's events"

"What happened?" Derek frowned, his fingers playing with the hair splayed on her neck and face. "I've seen your missed calls and I've tried to call you back… I was planning to come back home but then I got your message…"

"Janet came here to have my interview…" she said softly, nervousness made her voice shake and she met Derek's eyes elusively.

"Today?" he asked surprised, his hand closing around hers tighter.

"Yeah…" she breathed out shifting on the mattress uncomfortably. "I was watching tv and someone rang to the door. I assumed it was the postman or whatever and there she was…" she muttered, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear "without notice… a call… anything… The house looked like a pigsty…" she hissed.

"Mer… she came here to talk to you not to sightsee…" Derek added softly, kissing her cheek.

"You say that as you didn't see her face… she was disgusted…"

Meredith was sitting Indian style on the couch, a big bowl of pop corns on her knees. She was wearing a maternity pair of jeans and a blouse, whose buttons were open on the front down to her chest revealing her bra. The living room was dark except from the flickering light the LED tv was beaming, several magazines laid abandoned on the small round table beside the couch.

Suddenly the doorbell rang and Meredith eyed the corridor quickly, stopping her hand midair from her mouth and the bowl.

She set her snack aside on the soft pillows and stood, fumbling in the darkness to avoid an empty glass she had rested on the floor.

She almost cursed when the disturber rang again.

"I'm coming…" she yelled, closing her shirt quickly. She slowed down her pace when, once in the foyer, she realized that the person waiting outside was not a delivery man or the paperboy, it was Janet, the social worker who was evaluating their file. Meredith took a deep breath and adjusted her hair quickly, suddenly regretting not to have rearranged the mess around.

"Good morning…" she greeted the woman once opened the glass door, drawing a smile on her face.

"Good morning, Mrs. Shepherd" Janet answered as politely "can I bother you?" she asked, taking a furtive glance into the house.

"Of course…" Meredith said leaving her room to enter. The woman stopped immediately, her eyes moving carefully and quizzically around, lingering on the boxes and the bags piled everywhere. "We're almost done moving out…" Meredith added embarrassed, her stare lowering on the floor.

"I see…" Janet smiled "moving is always trouble, isn't it?"

"Oh yes… especially when your husband doesn't allow you to lift anything heavier than a cereal box…" Meredith rolled her eyes "hence the mess… I'm sorry, I wasn't expecting visits" she excused herself, hoping Janet wouldn't judge them as tramps.

"Don't excuse yourself, Meredith. I intruded so suddenly into your house… You were even too kind to let me in" she urged to say, shifting the files she was holding from arm to arm, capturing Meredith's attention immediately.

"How can I help you?" Meredith asked, nervous and anxious, closing her arms across her chest.

"Actually I wanted to know if you were available for your interview…" Janet smiled "now"

"Now?" Meredith blurted out before realizing it, her lower lip quivering in surprise.

"I know it's no notice… if you haven't time we can schedule it together… I mean… you were probably going out or…"

"No…" Meredith cut her out more vehemently than she had meant "no, I had nothing to do… of course I have time…" she mumbled, trying to catch her breath. "It's just…" she trailed off, peering at the poor state of the kitchen and the living room.

"It came unexpected…" Janet smiled "I'm sorry… I tried to call you but your cell went several times into voice mail and I decided to stop by"

"It's fine" Meredith smiled "it's my first day off and I let the phone in my bedroom. Please come in…" she added, heading towards the living room, very aware of Janet following her into the mess she had left minutes before. She muttered something crouching down to pick up glasses and some cloth, giving the woman an embarrassed smile.

"Derek told me you have very lively roommates" she offered, sitting on an armchair after removing a dvd box.

"Yeah…" Meredith giggled, sitting on the couch "more like irreparably slobby… I'm sure Derek can't believe we're finally leaving this mess for our own private nest…"

"Didn't he like it here?" Janet asked, taking Meredith unawares. Her mouth opened a bit and then closed, realizing she had faced the conversation friendly while Janet was probably evaluating her. Her face paled a bit and the social worker realized her awkwardness. "I didn't mean it to be an accusation, Meredith…"

"No… it's fine…" she straightened up against the cushion, closing her knee to her chest as much as her belly allowed "Derek liked my house… he likes it. He even likes the guys. It's just he'd like more privacy, to have somewhere just for us…" she shrugged, tilting her head to the side to try to relax.

"And how do you feel about it?"

"Fine…" she smiled "It took me a lot to decide to give up this house… I never felt like it was the right moment. But now it is… " she added caressing her bump "and the house we built is just perfect"

"Derek looked like a child in the candy store when he talked to me about it" Janet offered, leaning aside to set her purse onto the floor.

"He is… he's really in love with his land and he put all himself in that project… He's enthusiastic about it… you should come and see… it says a lot about my husband"

"I know… but I'm here to know you today…" she smiled, taking another quick glance around. "Did you grow up here?"

"Not entirely…" Meredith answered, her fingers playing nervously on her forehead "my mum moved to Boston when I was a teen ager… I made college and university there. We came back some year ago"

"But this is the house where you were born…" Janet insisted, although noting her interlocutor's embarrassment.

"Yeah… it is. But my father left when I was five and I used to spend most of my time at daycare or school… I have not many memories connected to these walls. Better… the few I have are bad so… it's not big deal now to move out" she breathed out, fidgeting with her clock.

"I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable" Janet muttered.

"You didn't. I just haven't good memories about my family. I know it's weird and I know it shouldn't be like that but… it's what I have. When we left this place I was a lonely kid, when we moved back here I was a lonely woman. My mother never came back … she was already sick when we moved back from Boston. She preferred to stay at a nursing home and I just went visiting her there"

"You wrote she had Alzheimer" Janet trailed off, reading a note on her papers.

"Early set Alzheimer… she diagnosed herself when she couldn't practice medicine anymore… when she forgot everything she had been able to do all over her life" Meredith added sadly.

"It must be overwhelming… it must have been awful for the both of you"

"It was… I don't expect you to be an expert of medicine and surgery but… my mother was a legend in her profession. She was an innovator, always a step forward. She decided to disappear out of nowhere before everybody could realize what was going on. She spread funny lies about a book she wanted to write in Europe and we moved back here" Meredith explained.

"What about her friends? What about yours?"

"Ellis Grey didn't have time for friends or human relationships. She was lonely. And she raised me in the same way. It was just her and me"

"Did she know Derek?" Janet asked softly.

"They met a couple of times but my mother didn't recognize me as her daughter at the time. I was just the friend who spent time with her. And she kind of insulted him…" she chuckled, trying to exorcize the pain Ellis' hospitalization in Seattle Grace had brought to her and Derek.

"You said you met your father once back in town…"

"I did… I was just curious to know his side of the story, that's all…" she shrugged, hoping this topic would be over with this. But Janet was staring at her, her eyes boring into her face and Meredith sighed "we built a sort of relationship back… not tight but… well… something. Lexie pushed a lot for it so… it felt good to try for her at least"

"Lexie?" Janet asked, turning the pages quickly looking for an indication of the person they were talking about.

"My step sister… My father… well… he built another family and he had two daughters. Lexie lives here now" Meredith explained, almost squirming under the social worker's gaze.

"Are you close?" the woman asked softly.

"We do" Meredith answered genuinely "Lexie is a great girl. I was reticent at first… I didn't know if I could accept her in my life. But then I got to know her… Derek opened my eyes on many things…" she trailed off, bracing her knees on the couch.

"Derek has a good sway on you… Husbands usually need to be dragged by the hair to say a word in family issues…" Janet muttered grinning.

"Apparently I picked up the black swan…" Meredith smiled, her heart swelling in affection and gratitude reminiscing how Derek had contributed to her bounding with Lexie "Derek is very participating in romantic… sentimental stuff…"

"Mc Dreamy… isn't it?" Janet asked, her brows furrowing quizzically, making Meredith giggle.

"You made your homework…"

"I tried… I just wanted a confirm on the nick name. It sounded funny"

"My best friend forged it… years ago. I think it's still fitting anyway…"

"You and Derek are very appreciated at the hospital. I just heard great things about the both of you…". Meredith's mouth fell agape and Janet smiled. "I made some query around… I hope you don't mind"

"I'm more concerned of the things you heard…" Meredith muttered, closing her arms across her chest when a shiver went down her spine.

"Like I said, mostly good things. Are you surprised?" the social worker triggered her.

"Not about him… it's the me part which doesn't sound… compliant… to my person" Meredith trailed off, raking a hand in her hair.

"Why so?"

Meredith took a deep breath, suddenly aware of the fact she had drawn Janet's attention on her mistakes and possible flaws. Actual flaws. She knew her colleagues admired her, respected her, loved her. But she was also aware she wasn't the perfect woman Janet was picturing. Was she bluffing? Was she trying to reveal her fragilities? If she had popped questions around, if Janet had hang out at the hospital, she had possible heard about her past, the trial affaire. Her mind cleared instantly and Meredith decided to be frank and true to the woman.

"I've not always been so relaxed and happy, Janet. The lack of my parents pushed me to be suspicious, reluctant, impulsive… I made a lot of mistakes… in my life and even at work. I guess you heard about it…"

"Not really" Janet smiled "and I'm not really concerned in what you did when you were younger, Meredith. I'm just here to understand if the woman you're now can raise a kid"

"And do you think I can?" she asked softly, hoping Janet could dissipate the doubts and fears she had been nursing for months.

"I don't know yet… you look to have a strong and satisfying marriage, a man who supports you… it's a good starting point" Janet explained, her fingers lacing in her lap.

"But it's not enough…" Meredith finished for her.

"Not if you are not sure about adopting a baby, not if you're not sure about wanting a baby… two babies actually. Are you?" she shot, her stare focused on her face.

"I want my baby…" she breathed out, resting her palm on her belly "I'm scared I won't be the perfect mother but I want this baby… with all my heart. And I want Zola too…"

"Would you go for the adoption if it wasn't for Derek?" Janet asked point blank, trying to read in her reaction and body language.

"Do you mean if I was alone?" Meredith asked, her nails scraping the soft fabric of her blouse nervously.

"No… I mean… if Derek hadn't suggested to adopt Zola… would you have proposed it?"

"I did propose Derek to adopt Zola actually…" Meredith muttered, lowering her eyes reminiscing the conversation in the conference room, when she had made the suggestion and their lives had spun out of control uncontrollably for her betrayal. "I did as I had understood she had totally conquered his heart"

"And what about yours?" Janet insisted, willing to see the story with Meredith's eyes and not mirrored through Derek's.

"She has it…" she smiled simply. "I know what you're implying, Janet. I get your concern. You want to understand if I threw myself headlong into this process just to humor Derek, just to make him happy. I wouldn't… I didn't… as not fulfilling his expectations is what scares me more right now… Derek would never break up with me, he would never hurt me… not in the ways I did so many times. But if I couldn't love our kids, if I turned out to be a bad mother… he could walk away from me. So adopting a baby to please him was not in my top list" she added, sinking her back into the cushions. Janet was still looking at her and Meredith cleared her throat "Besides… Derek would never force me into this if he didn't think it's what I want… really want. It's just that he knows things much before I do… he's Derek. He looked in Zola's eyes and understood it was his daughter. I'm in the same place now… but it took me weeks. Is this enough to make me a good mother? I don't know" she sighed, playing with the cuffs of her blouse.

"Do you know where Zola is today?" Janet asked, taking Meredith by surprise again.

"Excuse me?"

"Do you know where's Zola today?"

"At the hospital?" she answered, arching her brows quizzically.

"More accurate than that?" Janet prodded her, making Meredith understand she had more information than she had revealed.

"Doing labs to check if she's ready to leave?" Meredith offered, her voice a little bit shaky.

"Yes" Janet nodded, smiling to her.

"With dr. Karev and dr. Robbins?" she continued, giving out more details.

"Yes"

"And Mr. Eliott… the lion she likes so much" Meredith ended, dropping her front completely.

"Precisely. And how is it going?" the social worker asked, amused.

"I don't know yet…" Meredith squirmed under her stare "but she drove the nurses crazy this night so… she must be perfectly in shape"

"So you know everything about her…"

"I just know she was sick and she's going to need attentions… even after going home. I'm a doctor, Janet. There is nothing I know better than this"

"I don't think so" the black woman answered, standing and picking up her purse from the floor. She balanced the folder in the crock of her arm and looked at Meredith, who had jumped on her feet mirroring her actions. "Thanks for your time, Meredith" she smiled, turning on her heels and heading to the corridor. Meredith followed her to the door and opened it for her.

"I didn't go that well…." She mumbled when the social worker was already out in the porch.

"I'll let you know something soon, mrs. Shepherd" Janet said excusing herself. She walked down the three steps and crossed the walkway leading to the driveway. She never looked back and Meredith saw her disappear behind her fence. She sighed and walked back into the house.

"Mer… Janet is a difficult person to read. I'm sure it went better than you think" Derek tried to comfort her, moving to sit closer.

"Don't try to cheer me up, Derek. I'm sure of what I sensed" she scoffed, pushing with her fists and standing up. "Anyway what it's done is done now" she sighed, turning on her heels to face him. "Alex says Zola is fine and she will be dismissed in three or four days"

"A week top" he smiled, making her rolling her eyes.

"Right… are you hungry?" she asked, changing topic and closing her arms across her chest.

"I am" he admitted, reeling on the bed till his shoulder blades hit the bed board "even if I have to say your sight sates me completely" he smirked.

"Well… good for you, Derek" she poured, grinning wickedly, before changing her tone abruptly "as yours doesn't"

"What?" he blurted out, his eyes narrowing in shock at her audacity.

"You might want to eat to be up for the game later. You have a really demanding wife" she giggled, amused by his bewilderment.

"You little…" he started, raising to his full height and approaching her with an incredulous face. He took her face in his hands and pulled her closer, his lips brushing hers.

"What?" she said softly, feeling his breath fanning her face. She closed her eyes and tilted her head to give him better access to her mouth, expecting his silky lips to touch hers. But nothing happened and she blinked her irises open surprised. The surprise became astonishment when he realized Derek wasn't in front of her anymore. "Derek?" she called out.

"In the bathroom…" he answered, poking his head outside, smiling.

"What are you doing there?!" she asked, opening her arms in disbelief.

"Showering…" he smirked, rolling his shirt into a ball and throwing it into her direction. Meredith caught it snorting, distracted by the sight of his flat and muscular chest. "You wouldn't want me to stink tonight… would you, honey?" he joked, raising her pressure when he dropped his pants. Meredith starred for a second to his boxers and lean legs, her gaze moving up to his shoulders and arms.

"I just go and heat the dinner" she finally muttered, feeling the need to breathe and walk away before jumping him.

"See you" Derek smiled, slamming the door on her face.


Derek found comfort and solace under the hot stream of the shower.

His body relaxed and his muscles melt, letting tension and tiredness slip away.

Only his back still looked very angry, causing him to flinch every time he changed position suddenly.

He rubbed his skin dry with a soft towel Meredith had left for him, the thick mist creating a warm and soothing halo around.

He picked up from the toilet seat the underwear he had prepared and wore his boxers and tea shirt, ready to shave.

All his products were orderly lined up under the mirror and he opened his shaving soap, pouring a generous quantity on the palm of his hand. He gently spread it on his face and then gripped the razorblade. He started the job from his jaw and took care of his cheeks and chin, caressing himself to check the result. He opened the faucet to wash the remains of short hairs and foam down the sink and sighed.

The quiet of the bathroom had cleared his mind from the flirty and light moment he had lived with Meredith and reminded him of the long and complicated day he had put behind his shoulders.

Probably not completely.

Fighting with his schedule and the unexpected meeting with Hunt, he had managed to attend his session with Dr. Wyatt, not a casual session, the session.

The one he had been fearing for months, the one that had really shaken the ground under his feet, the one that had dig up his deepest fears.

The shrink had been unbelievably calm and supporting, yet he felt like a track had ran over him. Again.

"Derek… I know you're feeling bad about this. But I assumed you had understood you could rely on me, on my discretion" Dr. Wyatt said, piercing him with concerned eyes.

"It's not that" he said, raking a hand in his hair helplessly. "I knew we had to talk about this but…"

"It doesn't make it any easier…" she ended for him, smiling when he nodded.

"This is just so confusing and…" he trailed off, standing and pacing in the room "humiliating" he finally blurted out.

"Why would you feel humiliated, Derek?" dr. Wyatt asked, shifting on the couch to keep him under her scrutinizing gaze. Shepherd just sighed, diverting his eyes. "You went through a destructive experience… you're allowed to have weaknesses and wounds that still need to heal"

"I know…" he mumbled, caressing his neck absent minded.

"So what? Do you feel mortified as this involves even your sex life?" she asked abruptly, causing Derek's head to jerk to focus on her face.

"It's more complicated than that and you know it" he muttered, feeling his stomach closing in tight knots.

"I'm trying to know it. It would help me a lot if you sat here and finally talked to me…" she offered gently, pointing to the armchair in front of her. She watched him contemplating his chances and he finally obliged, sinking on the pillows in front of her. "Good…" she commented, relieved that he was trying to force himself to accept her help. The violence he was making to himself was so evident that dr. Wyatt really felt for him. She let him some second to brace himself completely and then prodded him. "Dr. Shepherd…"

"It's not about sex…" he finally breathed out, messaging the palm of his hand to distract himself "it has repercussions on sex but there was nothing sexual on what he did to me"

"So why do you think you often connect the aggression to your intimate moments?" she inquired, trying to keep her voice gentle and calm. They were walking on thin ice and she was sure Derek Shepherd would rather run away rather than facing that topic with her. For a man of his caliber, this conversation had to be a living hell. The least she could try to do was being tactful and respect his pace. He had shown up after all, this meant he had the best intentions to open up to her. Doing it… this was another story.

Derek squirmed on his seat, he pinched his nose taking a deep breath.

"I just…" he trailed off, remembering how Meredith had awaken bad memories in his soul even the previous evening. He shook his head, not able to translate into speech what he was thinking. "I don't know"

His eyes shifted quickly to meet Dr. Wyatt's and he got she wasn't believing his words. There wasn't blame on her face though, just concern. She stood and walked back to her desk, pouring herself a glass of water. She meant to leave him a little space to process what he wanted to do, if he really wanted to take the plunge and share with her things she was sure he would never discuss with anybody. She looked to him from over her glasses, leaning her back against the table.

"It doesn't happen always…" he finally mumbled, propping his elbows on his thighs. "Just when Meredith…" he closed his eyes, rubbing his forehead tiredly.

"Takes the lead?" she finished for him softly.

He nodded, raising to his full length and approaching the window. He really needed a distraction if he had to debate his sexual life with a woman who could be his mother.

"Does she scare you?" she asked, remembering how Derek had reacted the first time this disorder had appeared.

"No… it's not that… I just… see things" he muttered, closing his arms across his chest.

"Do you see Gary Clark?" she asked, even if the answer was already crystal clear.

"Yeah…" Derek nodded resigned, rubbing his lids "why is it?" he asked helplessly, locking eyes with her.

"I would say it's because there was a moment he took the better of you… of your person… of your body. And there's just one moment when we're willing to do it spontaneously" she explained, arching her brow. "You know, Derek… sex is sharing a particular connection with our partner… it's melting our souls"

"I had sexual education in college" he snapped, regretting it immediately. Dr. Wyatt overlooked his irreverence though.

"But as you also know it's a lot about physical interaction… chemistry… domination" she trailed off, locking eyes with him, suggesting him to go on "anything?" she asked, going back sitting onto the couch.

"You're implying that Meredith treats me in the same way he did?" he breathed out, sinking against the back rest.

"It's right what I'm saying…" she said leaning forward, closing the distance between the two of them "of course her purpose is the opposite. She wants to make you feel good, she wants to love you… but the way she achieves that… is right the same" she explained quietly, watching realization plummeting onto Derek's features. "Meredith is a caring woman… I'm surprised she didn't realize anything up to now"

"She did… I just begged her not to ask anything…" he breathed out, tormenting his lower lip till it was almost bleeding.

"And when did it happen last time?" she asked, reading once again the answer on Derek's beaten face.

"Yesterday" he whispered, raking a hand in his hair.

"So? Where does this leave you?"

"I hope you would tell me…"

"Is it something you want to face, Derek? Or do you think that time will take it away?"

"I'm not gonna wait for it to pass …" he snapped, realizing he had lost his patience for the second time. Once again, dr. Wyatt didn't look impressed and he calmed down. "I'm sorry…"

"It's good. My sessions are supposed to let you express yourself. I don't mind if you yell sometimes… Just go ahead" she smiled, making Derek roll his eyes.

"I don't need to yell. I just can't wait for this… unease to fade away… not if I could hurt Meredith in the process"

"We had already established you would never hurt her…"

"But this fear I have affects our life together. There are so many things I can't control and I just have to wait and cope with them… Maybe I can do something for this … do you think I can, right?" he asked expectantly, relaxing on the armchair.

"I think you can do something, Derek. But I know you won't like it"

"What do you mean?"

She stood and took some step across the room, drawing her patient's attention on her.

"Actually I think you could have done something time ago…" she added, stopping when she realized he looked clueless. "You should have talked to Meredith about what happened in the elevator, Derek… nothing simpler than that"

"Simple?" he blurted out in disbelief. "Do you think that's simple?"

"No… I didn't mean that" she said sitting and facing him again "I know it's not. For you… and for the need you feel to protect her. By simple I meant it's the only thing which could actually work. And you need to do it together. You've been trying so hard to build yourself back in these months, Derek, and what you achieved is great. But you just worked on yourself and with this issue… it won't be enough. It's something connected to your person, to your body and it doesn't belong just to you. How do you expect to fix this if you don't talk to her?" she urged to say, indulging on him with a reproaching stare.

It was the first time she openly scolded him and Derek sighed, feeling like a boy and not a grown up man.

"I think it will take time, Derek. You need to build your confidence back, you need to build your intimacy back. And you can't really think you can do that without your wife"

"So I should tell her I'm an emotive wreck?"

"You should…" she answered with no trace of hesitation. Derek looked away, slapped by her reaction and the reason of her advice. Even if dr. Wyatt was right all along the line, even if he knew and he had already decided to follow her suggestions, he felt in a blind alley. "Would it be different if Meredith wasn't going to deliver soon?" Dr. Wyatt asked, feeling he was closing up again.

"Of course it would… she has so many things going on in her head now… The baby… the adoption…" he trailed off, wondering if dr. Wyatt had heard about their initiative.

"So many things… and what's going on in your head, Derek? Will you be able to be the rock of the family if you don't sort this out before?"

"I'm starting to think I won't"

"Good…" she exclaimed, crossing her legs and relaxing on the couch "and I know you good enough to foresee you'll do something about it"

"You give me too much credit" he muttered, raking a hand in his hair.

"I give what you deserve" she said gently, trying to give him confidence and the courage he seemed to lack "you've worked so hard, dr. Shepherd. And now you have a new heat in front of you. You don't back off in front of them… you never did. So, please, just put your damned sense of honor aside and do what is better for you" she prodded him. She let her words linger in the silence for a moment and then cleared her throat "put the bad thoughts aside… try to look into what is positive here"

"Is there something positive?" he asked in disbelief, shifting his weight uncomfortably.

"Yes… you'll build yourself a new dimension, Derek. You'll train yourself to be loved and touched again. And you'll let your wife help you in that. Don't you think that's amazing?"

He chuckled standing up, pacing in the room again. Hearing dr. Wyatt alluding to his private life with Meredith had made his skin erupt into goose bumps. His skin had blushed and he was trying to hide it from her. "I know this is not what you would expect in a mature relationship, Derek. I know your virility may hurt at my words but… just slow down, allow yourself to be scared, allow Meredith to take care of your fears. Accustom your body to be overcome by someone else again… I'm sure you'll come to my office and thank me in a while…" she added gently. Derek turned around to face her, hands on his hips. He gave her a small smile, trying to relieve the seriousness of the moment.

"I have many reasons to thank you already" he muttered, emotion vibrant in his voice.

"Well… let's just extend the list…" she chuckled, standing and going behind her desk. "And you'll stop thanking when I mail you my bill" she added, focusing on her agenda, her nose scrunching up in the way that suggested Derek she was plunging into a new case and which was his cue to leave.

"Ok…" he breathed out, heading towards the door "I'll let you know when I'm ready to get your bill"

"Good… I have some whim to satisfy for my birthday and I just need cash…" she joked, making Derek giggle.

"It's good to know my problems were worth something…" he said gripping the door knob, ready to leave.

"Dr. Shepherd…" she called him back, serious and professional all over again "I know you hated me in these sessions. I know I had to push you to your limits and sometimes even further… but I wouldn't have done it if I didn't believe the payback will be worth the effort. Your life is waiting for you… and you have an amazing life ahead… just take it"

"I will" he nodded, emotion bubbling up in his chest and making his eyes moist "I'll leap… ok?"

"Good" she said waving her hand, smiling when Derek disappeared behind the door.

All the resolution he had felt hours before had liquefied on his way home.

He didn't know how to approach the topic, he didn't know how Meredith would take it, especially today, after her encounter with Janet. His wife needed support and a strong shoulder to lean on, not more issues to manage.

He sighed putting his Bowdoin long sleeve shirt on. His face contracted in a grimace when he bent down to pick up his dirty clothes from the floor to toss them into the laundry basket. He lifted the whole thing and headed down into the kitchen, where the noise of cutleries announced Meredith was working on their dinner.

She smiled when she spotted him coming in, the clothes hamper tight in his embrace.

"You had to leave that upstairs… I could take care of it tomorrow" she protested, peering at him from above her shoulder.

"It's ok…" he muttered, rubbing his hands while approaching her. Meredith smiled and focused back on the burners, checking the several pans she was using. She relaxed and tilted her head to the side when Derek's hands landed on her shoulders and he pecked her neck.

"What are you preparing?" he asked softly, circling her belly from behind and pressing her back against his chest.

"Roast beef… spinaches with grilled cheese and zucchinis" she stated proudly, fishing vegetables out of the pan and tasting them "and they even taste good" she giggled.

"They look good… you surprise me, Mer" he joked, knowing she used to get indignant when he mocked her poor cooking skills.

"I just had this surge to play the good housekeeper after Janet left…" she mumbled, pushing against his body "and it's not like I had something more interesting to do so… I just picked this recipe from the book your mother pitifully gave me" she giggled "besides… I knew you would eventually skip lunch and cold pizza didn't sound like a good idea"

"At all" he confirmed, kissing her cheek tenderly, grateful for the delicacy and the attention she had granted him with. "Can I help?" he asked.

"No… I'm fine and it's almost done so…" she trailed off, turning around to face him, getting lost in his blue gaze "but you could set the table…"

"Of course" he smiled. He stretched his hand and opened the first drawer, taking cutleries and towels out. "Living room or counter?" he asked.

"Counter…" Meredith answered "the living room is kind of war zone right now"

"Ok…" Derek frowned, kneeling to open the cabinet to take dishes out. Meredith didn't miss the groan that escaped his lips when he straightened up.

"Are you ok?" she urged to ask, worried seeing Derek's face going a shade paler.

"I'm fine… it's just my back…" he smiled, adjusting everything on the counter. "I've been standing a lot lately and I'm a little bit sore"

"Trying to sneak off your marital duties, honey?" she smirked, licking the wooden spoon provocatively.

"No way" he chuckled, stepping closer and taking her cheeks in his palms "and you look too damned hot with this apron" he muttered kissing her, leaving her breathless.

"It's better we eat now…" she whispered, trying to catch her breath "or my masterpiece will burn and become unpalatable"

"You're right" he smiled, turning the stove off and lifting the pan from it. He took a hot pad and handled it to Meredith "After you, chef" he joked.

They walked to the counter and sat, one in front of the other.

Meredith served him and then filled her plate with food while Derek was pouring a generous and tempting red wine into his glass.

"That smells heavenly" she observed, the rich and warm aroma reaching her nostrils.

"Not so bad" he said, rolling the goblet in his fingers making the content roll into the glass.

"Better than this anyway" she smiled, drinking her flat water without any form of enthusiasm.

"The meat is awesome, Mer" Derek complimented her, chewing the dinner happily.

"Not so bad to be the first time I tried it…" she nodded, feeling a strange satisfaction filling her heart. "It feels good, you know…" she started, setting another bite of vegetables into her mouth.

"What?" Derek eyes her curiously.

"Just cooking dinner and not poisoning you… doing the wify wife waiting for you home" she smiled, reading astonishment into his eyes. "I mean…" she trialed off, waving her fork in front of her face "I'm not saying I could do this for the rest of my life but… it's fun to do it sometimes"

"I'm glad you found a new leisure" he smirked "and that you didn't poison me, of course"

"Ass…" she hissed from over the counter, raising her husband's amusement "how did your day go anyway?" she asked, sensing the domestic fluff had lost its appeal. "What about our nympho patient?"

"She's doing fine… I've set a gunshot of exams for tomorrow morning. Barring any complication, I'll get rid of her in a couple of days"

"Still hitting on you?" she asked frowning, her jaw lowering its pace pensively.

"Oh yes…" Derek smiled "she even gave me her card today… apparently she doesn't take a no as an answer easily"

"That slut…" she hissed, bumping her fist on the table, causing the dishes to jump on the surface.

"Don't get upset, Mer… I ordered a cardio check up this afternoon and Cristina put her in her place… she'll be quiet from now on" he smiled, still surprised Yang out of all people had stood up for him.

"Good… anything interesting? Did you decide about the boy's tumor?" she asked, pushing her dinner aside.

"I did…" he sighed, lacing his fingers together and backing slightly on the stool.

"So?" she frowned "did you back off?" she asked, her voice laced with a clear note of surprise.

"No… I did not" Derek answered playing with the hem of the table cover.

"Good… as it wouldn't be you if you walked away from such a case" she added softly, squeezing his hand stretched on the table.

"I know… but apparently Hunt and the Board think differently from me… and from you" he admitted, reveling her the reason of his turmoil.

"What do you mean? Did they deny you the authorization?"

"Not yet… we have a meeting in a couple of days… to discuss the whole situation"

"Why?" she asked, surprised the Board would interfere so openly into medical stuff.

"Truthfully… I don't know. Hunt was very wary when we talked… I have the feeling he had his speech set up and ready for me…" he admitted quietly, trying to hide his disappointment.

"What did he say exactly?" Meredith insisted, joining her other hand on top of Derek's.

"Chief… do you have a minute?" Derek asked smiling, poking his head into Hunt's office. The desk was the usual mess and Owen's red short hair was more disheveled than ever. The new chief waved his hand to invite him in, moving a couple of huge folders aside.

"Sure… I can't let you wait till I'm done with this or you would risk to wait forever" Hunt chuckled, joining his hands on the table. "So… what do I owe the pleasure?" he asked, watching Derek adjust on the chair, a chart on his knees.

"I promised I would brief you once done with the analyses of Harris Dawson's case"

"The boy with the spinal cord tumor?" Owen frowned, backing against his chair. He had been informed about the boy's case days before. Then a lot of stuff had happened, Shepherd had never mentioned it again and he had wrongly thought he had given up the idea to do something for the kid.

"Yes… he's still here. Didn't you know?" Derek asked, trying to read from Owen's reaction. He looked strange, he looked elusive and Hunt was a frank and direct man.

"I thought you had dismissed him to tell the truth… I hadn't heard about him in days" he offered Derek a small smile but the neurosurgeon frowned. Something was going on but he didn't know what.

"Well, he's still here" Shepherd muttered, trying to put the conversation back on track "and I think I could try to help him" he added, pushing the chart on the table towards Hunt.

"Surgery?" the Chief blurted out, his brows arching in surprise. He opened the folder to keep up the pieces of a story he did remember as hopeless.

"Hmm hmm" Derek nodded, feeling the awkwardness raising from the pit of his stomach. He felt like Hunt had already decided about this, days before, and he was just setting up this comedy to make him happy "What's going on?" Shepherd finally breathed out, unable to hide his discomfort anymore.

"What do you mean?" Owen asked, his eyes cast down on the papers.

"You look like you thought the case was closed and gone… are you bothered by this?"

"No" Hunt protested, even if his face showed something difficult "it's nothing like that"

"What is it then?" Derek insisted, using all his influence as top class neurosurgeon "as I know you quite enough to get you're looking for a way out without hurting my feelings"

"Shepherd…" Owen started, stopping immediately when two icy pupils risked to dig a hole into his skull. He closed his mouth, very conscious that it was useless to deny the evidence any longer "Fine" he acknowledged, closing the folder with a thud "I focused on this case when you first talked to me about it. It sounded border line and extreme and impossible and I was…" he stopped, trying to come up with a word which could express the idea properly "invited to take a look on it"

"Invited by whom?" Shepherd snapped, rage written all over his face.

"By the Board… we were in the aftermath of the trial affaire and they didn't want you to jump into some reckless case as rebound" Owen explained, watching a wide range of emotions painting on Derek's face.

"Is this a kind way to say you're supervising me?" Derek asked in disbelief.

"No, I'm not. And that's why I didn't tell you. We have full confidence in you, Shepherd"

"It doesn't look like you do"

"The Board is just trying to protect you, Derek. The FDA is still keeping an eye on you and a failure on a case like this could flame more speculations about you and the way you lead your cases"

"There's nothing wrong in the way I deal with my patients" he spat, irritated and hurt at the same time.

"You don't need to explain me, I know it by myself. And even the Board knows. But your name has been abused in the last weeks, a bad press is the last thing you need right now"

Derek shook his head, not really sure if accepting Owen's explanation or if suspecting something more behind this political and bureaucratic interferences.

"Besides…" Owen continued, fidgeting with the corner of the chart "the insurance covering Harris contacted the board informally. They wanted to know about the chances of a surgery, the odds, every detail they could obtain without breaking the privacy policies of the hospital"

"Why?"

"Apparently the Dawson's policy expires in a few week…"

"And they won't renew it" Derek breathed out, mortified.

"The company will do everything to postpone a possible procedure, Derek. They'll dig into the files and your professional life to find a pretext to stop the treatments. We need to be ready for this… you need to be ready to the fact that they'll try to sully your name and the trial will give them a load of reasons to do it. The Board is just trying to defend the hospital. But I can swear you, as your friend, that they're very concerned about you"

"I don't need your protection, Hunt"

"You do, instead. And you even deserve it. The hospital invested a lot on you and they're willing to protect the patrimony you represent for them"

"So what?" Shepherd asked, concerned about his patient and the perspective a twisted system could deny him his only chance to survive.

"Nothing… I'll schedule a meeting with the Board. Their lawyers were still working on the case. They kind of suspected you could come up with some genial and extreme idea to do what all the others judged impossible" he smiled.

"Ok… I'll write you a detailed report to present at the meeting" Derek said standing up, his temper not mitigated by Hunt's attempt to flatter his ego and pride. "Just be quick, ok? Mrs. Dawson is waiting for an answer and I don't want to let her wait in the blue"

"I think tomorrow or the day after tomorrow will be just fine" Hunt answered, standing to face Derek. He cleared his throat to pop a question but stopped, realizing it wouldn't probably be appropriate.

"Anything else?" Shepherd prodded him, surprised when Owen lowered his eyes on the table.

"Nothing" he muttered, unable to meet his friend's eyes.

"Chief… if there's something else I'd rather to know it from you. I'm not that good in managing surprises lately" he stated, exuding self-confidence and a calm Hunt wouldn't master in his place.

"I was just wondering if all this mess wouldn't change your mind on the surgery you had to perform…"

"At all" Derek answered quickly and firmly "I hadn't decided to perform it just to busy my day. And I won't back off just as some insurance trader is ready to destroy me if only I dared to try"

"That's the answer I wanted to hear" Owen smiled, giving Derek the final cue to leave.

"Just let me know once the briefing is scheduled"

"I will"

"Wow" Meredith breathed out, her mouth agape.

"Wow" Derek confirmed bitterly, still processing the few information Hunt had shared with him.

"Do you think he said the truth to you?" she asked, frowning.

"I think he did… He had no reason not to" he added sipping his wine.

"It wouldn't be the first time the Board tries to interfere in medical stuff to save the budget"

"No, it wouldn't" he acknowledged, rolling the goblet in his fingertips "but I think Hunt was true to me. All what he said makes sense. If the insurance is trying to blackmail the hospital using my recent failures, it's normal they want to see clear in this case" he breathed out, picking up the remains of their dinner and throwing everything into the trash bin. He set the dishes into the sink and started to rinse them with a soft sponge. Meredith looked at him quietly. It was clear he was feeling the pressure for this, it was even clear he felt frustrated and humiliated by the insurance threats. She stood and approached him, her hip touching his.

"Everything will go just fine, Derek. If you decided you can try to operate, nobody will talk you out of it, I know you" she said firmly, her arms closed across her chest.

"It's not what is bothering me, Mer" he said quietly, smiling when their eyes locked.

"What is it then?"

"Everything is becoming so complicated… I love my job and I all I want to do is treating my patients. But there are rules and procedures to follow and bureaucrats and insurances. It's a mess… People want to have a word in our profession but it shouldn't be like that" he said shaking his head, drying his hands in a towel Meredith had handled him. "I just want to pick up a scalpel and do what I'm born to do. All the rest is a full list of useless loss of time and distractions"

"Distractions?" she arched her brow stepping closer, winding her hands around his neck "Am I listed in the distractions now?" she joked, willing to lighten his mood.

"Top list" he mumbled before kissing her. His hands closed behind her back and he hugged her tighter, loving the feeling of their bodies pressed together. They parted and Derek adjusted a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Let's just go upstairs to relax a bit" she offered, pulling his hand and inviting him to follow her.

"Good idea" he smiled, even if his face was still tensed and clouded by worries Meredith was sure he hadn't shared with her.

"You know… this is the moment you should pick me up and carry me upstairs" she joked sending a quick glance to him over her shoulder. Derek giggled, cashing her provocation.

"I could die tonight doing it" he admitted, messaging his aching back.

They quickly reached their bedroom and Meredith closed the door behind their backs.

Derek launched his body on the mattress, grunting when the softness surrounded him.

"God… I needed this" he whispered, spread on his stomach. He felt the bed giving out under an added weight and saw Meredith knelt by his side, looking down to him. "Just lie down" he invited her, patting his opened palm on the bedcover.

"I was thinking I could use my talented wasted hands to give you a relaxing message" she smiled "what do you think?"

"That I love you" he muttered, his voice barely audible.

"Good… so relax and enjoy it" she giggled, raising his shirt and exposing his back. She stopped for a moment to admire his shoulder blades, the curve of his spine, his ass. His jeans were lowered dangerously on his hips and she could see the beginning of his buttocks. She pressed her thumbs in the small of his back and he whimpered.

"Your muscles are in knots…"

"I'm painfully aware of it" he breathed out, suffering and finding solace in her ministrations at the same time.

"Where does it hurt more?" she asked, trying to help the best way she could.

"Left" he instructed her, feeling her hands dancing on his skin "There" he mumbled, trying to choke a groan when she pushed her fingers into his back painfully.

"Sorry" she excused herself, her eyes focused on the scar that disfigured his soft skin. "Are you still taking your pain killers?" she asked, sending a quick glance to the little box of pills resting on his nightstand.

"No… Nelson suggested me to slow it down…" he said, biting his lower lip when Meredith strained his back again.

"But you should tell your physiotherapist since it's causing you so much pain again…" she prodded him, feeling him tensing and shifting beneath her hands. Derek took some deep breath and his body relaxed, giving out to tiredness and soreness. A comfortable silence fell in the room and Meredith thought he had fallen asleep, worn out by the full day.

"It's the first place he hit, you know…" he whispered, so low Meredith had to fight the feeling she had just imagined things. But she hadn't. She froze on the spot, her hands still touching his skin, warm and alive. A big "what" threatened to spill out her lips but she swallowed it down, too shocked and dazed. If she had been surprised by his revelation, apparently the lack of reaction from her side had surprised him too. Derek rolled on his side, peering at her from the mattress. With a last effort he adjusted himself on his back, their eyes locked in a silent conversation.

"Derek…" Meredith finally said, drawing soothing circles on his thigh. She shook her head, not knowing if asking something or letting him decide if talking or not. Derek hid his face in the crock of his elbow and took a deep breath, sighing.

"I was in that elevator thinking of your big revelation… of the big news you had to tell me… and I was sure… I felt it was this" he exposed his face letting Meredith see the tender smile which had lit up his face speaking of their baby "I just didn't see it coming, Mer" he breathed out, his eyes shifting upwards, staring blankly at the ceiling. His chest was raising and falling quietly and Meredith crawled towards the bed board, resting her head near his on the pillow. She ran her fingers in his scalp, trying to support him in the moment he was experiencing.

"What happened, Derek?" she finally found the nerve to ask, her voice hoarse and raspy. She regretted her boldness when his Adam's apple rolled in his throat and his face tilted to the side to lock eyes with her. He looked scared and Meredith caressed his chest through the fabric of his shirt "You don't need to tell me, I'm sorry… I just thought you wanted to…"

"I felt fainting…" he cut her off, gripping her hand, still on his heart. "Everything became black…" he muttered, jerking his eyes away from her face "I didn't understand what was going on… I just felt somebody holding me up… pushing me roughly against the wall" his voice broke and Meredith squeezed his hand tighter, her knuckles white, suddenly remembering how his eyes had narrowed when she had slammed him against the wall in her passion bliss "then he hit me again and I plummeted onto the floor". He dragged their joined hands down to his stomach and Meredith didn't need to ask any more details. She felt sick and tears pooled in her eyes, she had always wished to know what had happened but now… now she realized she didn't at all.

"Derek… you need to stop this" she said, caressing his cheek and shivering when he didn't react to her touch "it's not making you any good" she tried to startle him.

"I need to do it, Mer… I need to let you know why sometimes you scare me" he said softly, still refusing eye contact. He squeezed her hand tighter and finally turned to face her, his fingers playing in his curls absent mindedly. "I don't want to be scared"

"I don't want it either" she sniffled, brushing tears away with their joined hands "Why do I scare you?" she asked, moving her hand onto his heart, finding his strong and steady heart beat soothing. Derek bit his lower lip and for a long moment Meredith thought he would let the question slip away. His lips opened and closed several times while she saw resignation painting on his features. Her heart squeezed tight in her chest. "Derek… please… I want to help you. You asked me not to ask but… I realized something was wrong yesterday… and back in the trailer… did I do something wrong?"

"No, it's not you, Mer" he breathed out, swallowing.

"Did I say something wrong?" she insisted, squeezing his bicep.

"No" he shook his head, confusing her even more "you touched me and… God…" he mumbled closing his eyes, hating not to be able to express his feelings clearly. Meredith was still messaging his forearm gently, her face contracted in worry. Her brain was suggesting her a possibility, but her heart was strongly rejecting it. It would be too cruel, still… it made sense.

"Did he touch you, Derek? In the elevator… did he touch you?" she asked so softly that Derek barely heard her voice.

"Not in the way you think, Mer… not like that" he answered staring at her lovingly. "But he did touch me… and I was vulnerable and helpless and…" he squirmed, ashamed of himself "dr. Wyatt says I feel in the same way when I drop my blocks and defenses with you" he finally admitted, his eyes still on the ceiling. "I know it makes no sense… I know it's pathetic but… it happened more than once and I started to think I could have a problem with it… then mr. Frazer groped me and I felt so…" he sighed, scared to utter the word on the tip of his tongue.

"Violated?" Meredith finished for him, fighting the lump in her throat. Her hands stopped to move on his chest out of instinct and she retrieved them, curling her fingers into fists.

"Mer… don't do that" he whispered, tilting his head to the side so that their eyes could meet. He gripped her wrist and moved it gently onto his body, onto his heart.

"I just don't want to make you uncomfortable, Derek…" she sighed, kissing his lips softly.

"And I just want you to love me… as you're the only one who can make me forget…" he laced his fingers with hers, losing in the romantic and perfect moment. His nose took shelter into the crock of her neck, inhaling her inebriating scent, and Meredith caressed the soft hair on his nape.

His breath evened and Derek felt relaxing. But suddenly dr. Wyatt's recommendations entered his mind and he took a deep breath. Even if he hated the idea to relive those moments and share them with Meredith, he knew it was the only thing he could do to heal the trauma he had suffered. His therapist had given him the key to solve his demons and now it was up to him to decide if using it or throwing it away. He swallowed raising his head, his fingers were still tightly linked with his wife's. Meredith was staring at him tenderly, but Derek could see she was expecting something. Her gaze was soft but reassuring at the same time, determined, strong. She was trying to give him the courage he was so hardly fighting to find.

He decided to take the plunge.

He rolled on his back pulling her body against his, his fingers caressing softly the back of her hand.

"When I was on that floor I forgot everything I was, Mer… everything I knew… every certainty I had. I ripped a knife out of my stomach even if I was supposed to know it was the worst idea ever… But I couldn't breathe… I couldn't live with that pain. I deluded myself it would go away but it didn't. The world stopped to exist… He was everything around me, everything upon me… I felt his hands everywhere and I just couldn't stop it…" he whispered. He moved their hands slowly down to his waistline, Meredith felt the row fabric of his jeans under her fingertips and then the soft cotton of his shirt. Derek moved it quietly up, revealing his skin.

He pulled Meredith's hand gently but firmly and her body shifted on the mattress, her hip bumped into his and Meredith understood what he was trying to do, what he wanted her to do.

"Derek… you don't need to do this" she tried to protest, but he applied more force and she indulged him, rolling on his body. She stared down to him, locking their eyes, trying not to think of what he had gone through having a man towering him like that with a knife in his hands.

"I'll never be able to tell you, Meredith" he admitted "but maybe I can show you…"

She nodded quietly and tried to summon up all her strength feeling Derek's skin under her hands. He was roaming their joined hands on his body, probably mimicking the same gestures and following the same path Gary Clark had traced. She felt the swell of his rib cage under her palm and then the movement stopped, right over the scar the blade had left on his side. Derek's breath hitched in his throat and Meredith squeezed his hand, trying to support him in the only way she could. Her fingers abandoned his and walked upwards, resting on the other entry wound.

She couldn't believe someone had touched her Derek like that with the only purpose to hurt him. And she couldn't believe he had kept that burden inside his chest all along those months.

Her palm moved again and stopped on his flat and muscular pectorals. The journey was over and Meredith felt speechless. Derek was looking up to her, silent and vulnerable as ever. She discovered herself hating Gary Clark even more.

"There was so much… hate and rage in his eyes…" he stammered, shivering both for the cold and the bad emotions he was reminiscing. "He touched me like I was a piece of meat to dissect… like I was nothing. I hated the feel of his hands on me…" he said in a breath, gripping Meredith's wrists gently. She sensed his skin twitching beneath her hands and broke the contact, lowering his shirt to cover his body. Derek swallowed, locking eyes with her. "I love you, Meredith"

"I love you too" she answered, her voice shaky and thick with emotion.

"I love to feel you on my skin, I love to feel your hands caressing me, I love when you take the lead and make love to me…" he admitted, making her heart flutter "but he was sitting on me like you're now… yelling and discovering more things to make me pay… and sometimes…"

He silenced when Meredith put a finger on his lips, gentle and caring. She shifted her weight aside and rolled down off him, laying down on the bed and stretching her body beside his. Her arm snaked across his hips and she pulled him closer.

"You don't need to explain anything else, Derek. You just need some time to cancel those sensations and build new ones… I'm here for you" she added, kissing him quickly.

"Thank you" he smiled.

"We'll do things at your pace… you'll decide"

Derek kissed the top of her nose tenderly, moving his thumb on her cheek.

"So you've actually agreed to be my sex slave…" he mumbled smiling, his palm moving up her side.

"Just as dr. Wyatt suggested it…" she giggled.

"I'll make up to you…" he said, serious, a thankful tone vibrating in his voice.

"Why don't you start now?" she said hoarsely, her arm finding a way under his shirt. Her hand touched the small of his back and then moved up to follow the arch of his spine. She touched his shoulder blades and moaned in pleasure when Derek kissed her passionately, covering her body with his. "Make love to me, Derek…" she almost begged, lost in his ocean eyes.

Gone was the fear she had read minutes before and she surrendered to a sea of blue passion.


Blank is what remains after clarity is made.

Everything is new and possible.

I've always been fond of this moment.

When we have the chance to write our own story, learn more about ourselves and the person we love.

Take intense colors and paint the love story you've always dreamt of.

Picture your taboos, outline your intimacy, just learn to feel again


I decided to use flash backs to give a little more movement to the chapter.

We're almost at the end... just let me hear your opinions!