A/N: First of all, I love all the reviews you guys send my way. I expected alot of criticism and really haven't received much at all. The support I've been getting is my main motivation for finishing this story off. (This isn't the last chapter, there's more to come but I'm farther ahead than what I've posted.)
Secondly, I took a long time to post the last chapter for some very strange reasons. I had the last one, this one and the next two drafted out a couple of weeks ago... And then some of the bad things I had written about started to happen in my real life! I was going to change some of what I had already written, but I'm just going to let art imitate life this time. Or would it be life imitating art? Alot of people have been dying around here lately, so I'm dedicating this chapter to the six friends I've lost in the past month. This town is crazier than Liz is...
Chapter Forty Four - Drag the Waters
"Let's just fucking party!" I yelled over whatever Darrell was saying to me. He was actually telling me to calm down on the dope. He - an almost thirty year old drug addict - was telling me - an eightteen year old girl that just dabbled in this shit - to calm down.
I got where he was coming from, I knew I was getting out of hand recently, but it just doesn't feel nice to hear it from somebody that's doing so much worse off than you are. I just... I just needed to go insane right now. I certainly felt fucking insane enough right now. It wasn't something that I could explain right, not even to myself. Probably because I was simultaneously losing and killing my own mind.
I wanted to be better. But I didn't want to be better tonight.
I did a couple more lines of coke, and Darrell watched me with a saddened expression for a moment, because he knew I was only hurting myself more. But he was a hellraiser at heart, and he wasn't sad for long.
He smiled at me and said, "Alright, if we're gonna do it then let's do it to the fullest." He leaned over the mirror and did three lines, then crushed a couple of pills and did those too.
We were poisoning eachother, because both of us hated me. He hated me because he wanted things from me that he had never known and never would, and I hated me because I was a horrible piece of shit and I owned the heart of someone that I didn't show love or respect to and that I very much did not deserve.
I would never be good enough for Seth. Even if I suddenly became the absolute best me that I could be, I would still be falling short. I had always known it and I'd given it a shot with him anyways, and then my flaws seemed even more pronounced than usual and I fucked it all straight into the ground. The worse thing about me was that I knew what I was doing was sick and that it was hurting him, and I just didn't care enough to change my behavior.
Yeah, the universe definitely played a dirty trick on this guy.
"You look depressed," Darrell said as he dropped down to his knees so that he could see my face more clearly. "What would you like to listen to?"
"Some metal, I can't stand this blues shit in me. Cheer me up," I commanded, just because I knew he would at least try.
He got up and started playing Pantera on his stereo, then he dragged me to my feet and tried to animate my arms for me. I seemed like a limp marionette. I caught a glance of myself in the mirror and looked away, disgusted with what I saw.
"Where do I go from here? Seth's on his way to get me so he can see how fucking horrible I've been."
"Did you cheat on him or something?"
My eyebrows drew together. "Why would you think that? We were broken up for like, three weeks and I didn't even do anything then."
"Why do you feel like you owe him then?"
"Please don't start on this shit again..." I sat back down on the edge of the bed and stared at him.
"No, that's not how I meant it. I understand that you love him, I'm not trying to argue with that. I'm just curious what it is that you could have done to him that's so wrong for you to feel like he deserves so much better than you."
I sighed and tried to think of where to begin.
"The Liz that I know doesn't think anyone in the world is above her."
"That was before. Or maybe I was a great actor."
"Oh, you're definitely that. You should have more awards than fucking Julia Roberts. But really, that's the girl I've always known and loved. You're just a human... Just like everyone else. You make mistakes, but you're one of the few people that owns your mistakes, that knows what you've done wrong and accepts it. You'll even talk that shit out with people instead of trying to sweep it under the rug. You've got more to be proud of than any of these other losers around here."
"I don't need to be proud, I need to just get to where I don't fucking hate myself. Just like I don't need to be really happy, I'll settle for just not being miserable anymore. But it's really hard when I'm the one that's making me miserable, and the things that I'm doing to put myself in that position, I just keep doing. Like, I started doing drugs and I was disappointed in myself. So when I felt bad about doing drugs, I tried to make it go away by doing more drugs. And now I'm stuck in this cycle of doing everything wrong and knowing that I am but just doing it anyways. I don't know what I need to do to stop hating myself and get on the right path."
"Is it all about drugs? I think there's more to it than that, 'cause I know a whole lot of people that do a whole lot more drugs than you ever have, and they're okay with who they are." He sat down beside of me and it was so wierd, because for the first time in a long time I could tell that he was really trying to listen to me and help me. The only person in the world that had ever done that was Seth.
"There's alot of things that weigh heavy on me... And I think about them alot. Especially since... Well, since I really got to know Seth, I feel like I should try to be a better person. There's things that I keep locked up inside of me so tight, and I don't have the courage to set them right. I'm too scared."
"So maybe the answer is as simple as you not being a pussy anymore?" He cocked an eyebrow at me. It was kind of funny.
"Yeah... I'll work on that. Tomorrow. Or the next day," I told him with a laugh. "For tonight, I am free and flyin' easy, so pass me that mirror."
He handed it to me. "You really shouldn't do anymore tonight. You died less than an hour ago."
I snorted another line. "Yeah, about that... Remember how you said when you bit the dust that everything was just gray?"
He nodded, and then he shivered, probably remembering his brush with death in vivid detail.
"Well, it was the same for me. What do you think that means? Is there nothing after this life? Or were we just not gone long enough to see?"
He shook his head. "I don't know, but I don't believe that this life is all. Didn't think you did either."
"When I was tripping and I saw the people Satan had marked, I looked in the mirror." I let it hang there as his eyes grew wider.
"You were his? What about me?"
"Both of us," I sighed. "Do you think it was real?"
He gave me a pointed look. "You know what I think about it. Of course, I've done so much acid that I'm in a constant state of tripping, and it's hard to not believe it by then. So... What do we do about it?"
"I guess we should stop being bad people." I thought for a moment. "And maybe go to church."
"I bet there's not one single Pentecostal church in Washington."
I giggled at him. "I never handled snakes for God, just for fun. I grew up a Baptist."
"I grew up both, but the Pentecostal's where it's at. They have the best music out of any church."
I smiled and narrowed my eyes at him. "Only you would pick your church based off of the music."
"Nuh-uh," he said as he pulled me back into a standing position. "You would, too."
He started kind of slow dancing with me, which was funny because we were not listening to something slow at all. He twirled me like a princess and then dipped me down, and then someone started knocking at his door. We jumped apart like we'd been caught doing something bad, and it took him a second to right himself before he went to answer it.
I started to question if maybe we actually were doing something wrong. Would I act the same around him if Seth were here right now? Probably not. I better start keeping him in mind at all times; I didn't want to disrespect him in that manner. Not ever.
I wandered out into the foyer to see who was here, and what I saw was... Well, it was pretty wierd. Ana was all wrapped up in Darrell's arms. They usually never touched at all, that was past their boundaries. I understood better when I looked a bit closer; Ana was crying so hard that she was shaking.
She lifted her head and spotted me. "Oh, Liz!" She stepped away from D's embrace and threw herself onto me, almost pushing me over. She was sobbing into my shoulder and probably covering me in her snot, but I put my arms around her and patted her back.
"What happened, babe?" I asked as she sniffled. I walked her over to the couch and sat her down. "Talk to me."
"Vince... We broke up. He broke my phone and called me every bad name he could think of, but I was only mad at him because he was so fucked up and he kept nodding off and I just hate it when he does xanax, he's like a completely different person!" She stopped to wipe the wetness from her face, and then she scooted down and laid her head in my lap. "He started freaking out and throwing shit at me, and he told me he didn't want to see me again. So I told him he was a fucking piece of shit and that he better hope he never saw me again, 'cause if I do see him I'm going to kick him right in his balls!"
"Don't worry, he'll sober up by morning and come beg you to take him back," I reassured her. "Want to get fucked up tonight, take your mind off of him?"
She perked up a little and sat upright. "You got some whiskey?"
"There's beer in the fridge," Darrell said before he disappeared back into his bedroom.
"I've got some pills and some blow," I offered.
Her eyes got big. "Are you serious, Liz? I thought you were going to quit everything."
I raised my brows as I got up and took three steps into the kitchen area. "Hey D! Can I smoke in here?"
"Yeah, go ahead. One at a time, though!" He yelled back.
I lit up a cigarette and started looking around for something to use as an ashtray. "Seth is coming here to get me, I'll stop then," I said to Ana with a shrug.
"He's coming here? Do you really think that's a good idea?"
"I don't have much choice in the matter. I had a little problem earlier..."
"She fucking died for a few seconds is what she means to say," Darrell interjected as he came strolling through the livingroom towards me.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" Ana yelled. "Why didn't you say anything earlier?"
Darrell stopped in front of me, leaned down and kissed me. Seriously... he fucking kissed me!
I stepped back and slapped him across the face. "What the hell are you doing?" I screeched. My throat was dry and my voice was so scratchy that it came out sounding like a rusty slice through metal.
"That was worth the little smack to my cheek," he replied.
I rolled my eyes at him and turned my attention back to Ana. "I haven't really had a chance to tell you anything, sweetie."
"But you're okay now?"
I smiled real big and gave her a thumbs up. "Still rockin' and rollin'."
"So... Do you really think we'll be alright in the morning?" she asked, and for the first time ever I would have to say that she sounded very meek.
"Why wouldn't you be? Couples fight over dope and all kinds of other bullshit every day in this town. You think he's going to not want you because you're looking out for him? He has to realize that you're right, even if it irritates him to have you give him a hard time. You guys love eachother Ana, it's not like one of you went off and fucked somebody else or something."
"I love him alot... And I miss him already," she said with a final sniffle.
"Vince loves you to death, Belle. He's an idiot sometimes, but he's not going to lose you over his own stupidity," Darrell claimed.
Ana smiled through her tears and looked a little proud of herself. "I don't want to wait 'til morning, but I guess he's too fucked up right now for me to call him."
Just then, both mine and Darrell's phones started going off. He pulled his from his pocket and answered as I walked past Ana to do the same. He sounded distraught, but I couldn't pay attention to what he was talking about as I heard Seth crying on the other end of my line.
"Calm down, baby. Tell me what happened," I told him as I walked into the other room. Ana was getting hysterical in the livingroom for some reason, and I couldn't hear Seth over her.
"Mom... She just collapsed! I can't tell what's wrong with her, and the doctors haven't told me either."
"Oh no, sweetheart, I'm so sorry," I told him as tears welled up in my own eyes. Seth had already lost his father too soon, and I felt his new pain jolt through me.
"I'm not going to be able to come and get you until I know what's going on with her, Liz. I'm so sorry."
"There's no need to apologize. Stay with your mom as long as you need to, and we'll work everything out about getting me back to you." My phone started beeping in my ear over and over, receiving texts from someone else.
"Elizabeth, please, please take care of yourself in the meantime. If something happens to you while I'm stuck here, I'll never forgive myself for not coming to you at this second. Promise me that you'll be more careful until I'm there to keep you safe."
"I promise, Seth. Call me back and let me know what's going on whenever you hear more."
"I will. I love you."
"Love you, too." I hung up and started looking through my messages in the order that they'd been sent to me. The first said that my great-grandmother had been in a serious car accident.
That was as far as I got before I started bawling.
Ana came into the room with an expression on her face that scared the living shit out of me. She was paler than me, like her blood had drained out, and her eyes were huge and filled with sadness.
"What's happened?" I managed to ask through my tears.
She sat down on the floor and stared at one of her knees. Her hands were shaking, and it took her a moment to speak.
"Vince... Vince is gone," she whispered, and then her own waterworks started.
"What do you mean?" I yelled as I kneeled down in front of her. Darrell walked into the room, also crying.
"Jeff just found him laying in his bed. Says his lips were already blue." He could barely get the words out, he was shaking so much. He moved his hand to cover his tears, and then he stopped himself. If there was anyone in the world he shouldn't mind crying in front of, it was certainly Ana and I.
I sank the rest of the way down, and then I stared blankly at my phone. I gathered the courage to read the next message, and it informed me that my great-grandma had broken her neck, arm, leg, pelvis and a few ribs.
Darrell sat down on the floor, completing a circle. We all leaned forward and embraced eachother, and the pain emanating from each of us was almost tangible.
"Grandma Dorothea got into an accident," I said in between hiccuping sobs.
"Oh my god, please tell me that she's okay!" Ana wailed.
I read the next message, the one that let me know that she was alive, albeit quite broken, and was in the hospital.
"She's alive," I finally answered, and it felt like the most relieving thing in the world - a tiny break from the current state of horror that was floating around me and my best friends. Everyone that I loved was being affected by pure sorrow.
Hard times are definitely a'coming.
Seth's PoV
"Liz?"
She was crying too much for me to hear her. I couldn't tell what was wrong, but I wanted to kick myself in the ass for not being right by her side when she so obviously needed me. And when I needed her more than ever.
"My grandma Dorothea got into a horrible car accident and broke a shit ton of bones. She's so fucking lucky that she's still alive... I don't think it's a very normal occurence that an eighty-one year old women flips a car three times and lands in a creek, breaks her arm, leg, pelvis, ribs and neck and actually lives to tell about it."
"Honey, I'm so sorry." It was all I could think to say. Besides that that story sounded like a real deal miracle to me.
"That's not the worst of it. Vince - you remember, Ana's boyfriend?"
"Yeah, I remember him. Seemed like a cool guy."
"Well, his roommate found him dead in their apartment a little bit ago. He mixed opiates and benzos and fucking overdosed."
"Holy shit!" I listened to her sobbing for a minute. "How's Ana holding up?"
"She's not. They had just had a big fight and broken up over it, and she's just... quiet. I don't think she's going to handle herself very well now."
I sighed. How many more bad things were going to happen?
"Look, baby. I need to stick around here for a little while and make sure that Ana doesn't flip the fuck out. I want to be home with you, but I can't just leave her hanging like that when she's going through so much."
"I understand. If my mom is doing better by the time he has a funeral, I'll try to be there. If everything gets better here then I can come and stay with you while you need to be there."
"That's a good idea. I'm going to get off of here and try to get some rest. Talk to you tomorrow?"
"Of course, and I'll send you a message whenever I hear anything about Mom. Love you."
"Love you, too." I flipped my phone shut as an older graying man in a white coat came walking up to me.
"Seth Clearwater?" he asked as I rose from the too-small hospital chair. I nodded yes to him.
"Your mother is going to be just fine," he began, and my heart brightened with his words. "She just had a little issue with her blood sugar. It dropped much too low, and that's what caused her to faint. She hadn't been tested very recently for diabetes, but now that we know what the problem is, we'll prescribe her insulin and have her monitor her blood sugar levels. She'll still be able to have a totally normal life."
I half smiled, thinking about how far from normal my mom's life had been for the past few years. I shook the Doc's hand and told him thank you before I went through some double doors and found my mom's room.
She smiled as I came to sit on the edge of her bed. "Feeling better, Mom?"
"Yes, very much so. You can go and get your imprint now," she told me, very matter-of-factly.
"I'm not in that big of a hurry," I lied. I was literally dying to get out of here and start the long run to my girl. I was craving her like a vamp craves blood.
"I know how much you miss her. No offense darling, but you look like hell since she left. Your sleep schedule is all wrong, you haven't been eating right or taking care of yourself at all. I think you've both put yourselves through enough."
I cocked an eyebrow suspiciously. "I thought you didn't like her."
"I'm not a fan of how she lives her life, but you swear she wants to be better. I have more faith in you than you give me credit for." She reached her hand to mine and smiled. "Besides, I get the wolf imprint thing. Although, if you ask me, any true love is that powerful. Once you find who you need, it's not easy to be apart."
"Well, I'm at least waiting until they release you and I can get you back home."
As if on cue, a nurse walked in. "Looks like you're in for the night, Miss Clearwater," she said. Her words crushed me a little inside, snuffing out the possibility of my leaving tonight. Then I felt guilty, because at least I was choosing for myself to be stuck here, not being told that I had to by a doctor.
I moved to the chair while the nurse checked the IV bags and things. She talked with Mom for a couple of minutes while I got comfortable, and then she left.
"Sweetheart, you can't sleep here all night," Mom said when I kicked my feet up onto the very edge of the bed.
I yawned and crossed my arms behind my head. "Of course I can. It's alot more comfortable than the forest floor."
She smiled again. "I don't know what I did to deserve such a wonderful son, but I'm so glad that I did it."
Her eyes shut and everything was quiet, aside from the white noise of the machines and monitors buzzing around my mother. I shut my eyes and attempted to rest, but my mind was just too active. I'd been asleep more than anything else since Liz had left, and now that I knew I was getting her back soon, it was impossible to calm myself down. Each second seemed like it was dragging on through eternity, and there were so, so many seconds until I would see her again.
I tried to focus on how I was going to help her through these difficult times she was in the midst of, but my mind kept wandering to naughtier territory. One of her good friends had just died, and all I could think about was her beautiful eyes, her pink lips, the dip between her hips and her ribs...
Bad Seth! I mentally chastised myself. I kept trying to change my train of thought to where it was supposed to be, but the images refused to stop flashing through my head.
I pictured her face when she was smiling, that cute expression she wore when she was thinking really hard about something, how broad and strong her shoulders were on her tiny frame, how perfectly wide her ass was, how sexy it is when she gets dressed up in lingerie for me, or when she wraps those perfect pink lips around me, or when she's on top of me riding me harder than I knew possible...
Maybe this wasn't the right time or setting for this sort of fantasizing, but I really couldn't stop myself. And the best part was, I was just replaying actual memories of times that we'd had, not making up what I wanted between us. We've had our problems here and there, but you would never once hear me complain about our sex life. My girl was brilliantly sexy and she knew how to touch, how to move every part of herself and me.
I figured all of the stressing and worrying could wait until morning to consider. For tonight... I needed to enjoy the peace that she made me feel. Because Lord knows, harder times are coming.
A/N: That whole Great-Grandma thing really happened - to MY 81 year old great grandma! She's still in the hospital recovering. I'm tellin' ya, this has been the hardest spring of my life!
