turntechbasshead: It's how my characters die too. I mean, what?
FaberryAchele: Thank you. It was very intense to write, especially being so invested in Aubrey at this point. I literally couldn't breathe at one point and had to stop. This next chapter was just emotionally draining.
ClarissaAdeleFray: I am very invested in this story and everything, even minor details, tying together. Sometimes, it's just a little unclear, because the only character's head you're in is Aubrey's. Everyone else has thoughts and conversations and motivations that she can't always see.
Pixie1913: There is so much I wish I could say, but it would give too much away about Beca and her thoughts and feelings behind her words and actions - so I'll just let you figure it out as Aubrey figures it out. I'm glad you found the story again. It was too difficult to keep up with in more than one place, and I'm one of those oddballs that prefers FF over Archive.
makemesmile98: It gets even harder to connect the dots from here on out. The story has hit a turning point now, and things are about to spiral into chaos.

A/N: I decided to update a day earlier than planned, because I finally did it; I finally wrote an actual summary for this story so people actually know what it's about. I also decided to pour more of my soul into this story, and have a lofty goal of Arr being the most reviewed PP fic, so, remember to validate me!


Arrhythmia


Don't you dare look out your window,
Darling, everything's on fire.
The war outside our door keeps raging on.
Hold onto this lullaby,
Even when the music's gone, gone.
-Taylor Swift, The Civil Wars


Everything happens so fast – time crashes together, destroying the laws of Quantum Physics. The shot shatters the air with a loud crack and Aubrey drops the gun, unable to hear it clatter on the gravel over the ringing in her ears. Then it's over. And the silence is more deafening than the shot itself. She slowly lowers her arms, unable to take her eyes off the damage in front of her. She knows that even when she does look away, she's not going to be able to unsee it. She did that. She stands up straight like her father taught her and bats her eyelashes, blinking away the tears that are clinging to them. No one tells her that they're proud. No one says anything.

Aubrey looks at Beca. She's looking over her shoulder with a terrified expression on her face. Not at the deer. But at her. She can feel Nikki's eyes on her too, but she doesn't look at her to confirm it. Instead, she wraps one arm around herself and places her other hand over her mouth so no one can see her lips quivering, and she walks away. Someone else can call the sheriff. Her part in this is done. One set of footsteps follows close behind her, but she doesn't turn back. She walks with one purpose – getting back to the inn and going to sleep.

The road stretches on forever, no matter how quickly Aubrey walks. She convinces herself that her punishment for shooting the deer is walking forever – never reaching Chloe or sleep. Maybe she was sent straight to Hell without dying. That would explain why Beca is still present. She moves her hand from her mouth to her shoulder, gathering up the fabric of her shirt in her fist and digging her fingernails into it. Her throat feels like it's constricting under the pressure of choked back sobs and she's not even sure if her lungs are receiving any oxygen. The sight of The Candlewick once it finally appears in the distance just further makes her feel like she's going to pass out.

She digs out her key the moment her feet touch the driveway. The lights in all the windows are off, and Aubrey realizes that she has no idea what time it is. She makes her way around the building, dread settling over her when the front porch no longer provides her with light to see. Even the crickets chirping seem ominous. She fumbles with the key, her hands shaking and the lock barely visible in the dark. She blinks away more tears to clear her vision.

Beca approaches the door beside her and reaches for the key. "Just let me –"

"Do not touch me, Beca!" Aubrey explodes, yanking her hand back before Beca can take the key. She jams the key into the lock. "Get the hell away from me." The door swings open and Aubrey kicks it shut behind her. She throws the key at the table and kicks off her shoes in front of the door. She locks the door. Then unlocks it and locks it seven more times. The bedroom light is on, and Aubrey realizes Chloe must be awake. She covers her face with one hand as her features crumble, tears overflowing down her cheeks. "Chloe," she calls, her voice breaking, as she walks to the bedroom.

"Where were you? It's not cool to disappear in the middle of the night, Aubrey. You didn't even answer when I ca-" Chloe stops mid-sentence, freezing in the bedroom doorway. "What happened?"

The scolding tone pushes her over the edge. She brings her other hand to cover her face and brushes past Chloe, ignoring her as Chloe grabs her arm and places one hand on her back, walking to the bed with her.

"Hey." Chloe tries to get in front of her. "Aubrey…?"

Aubrey climbs onto the bed, not bothering to change her clothes. She collapses on her stomach and buries her face into the pillow, curling one of her arms around her head.

"What's wrong?" Chloe climbs over her and sits down on the bed. "Why are you shaking?" She gently grabs Aubrey's arm and tries to pull her up into a sitting positon. "Aubrey?"

Aubrey tries to fight her and pull away, but her limbs refuse to cooperate. It's like she doesn't quite know how to use them anymore. She wants to tell her to go away and let her sleep, but she can't manage to make words. She weakly hunches her shoulders and tucks her arms underneath herself, tensing her entire body until it's almost like a protective shell around her. This is a nightmare. She knows it is. It's going to eventually just become so intense that she's going to wake up at home, and crawl into Chloe's bed with some excuse and exaggerated reluctance so Chloe doesn't know just how sick she feels. Everything will be just like it always is, and it will be fine. She whines, unchecked, into the pillow, crumpling under a wave of nausea that would have sent her to the ground if she wasn't already lying down.

"Aubrey, stop, it's okay." Chloe's voice is laced with concern as she tries to get her arms around Aubrey and pick her up off the bed. "It's just me. Come here. It's okay."

Just Chloe. Just Chloe. Just Chloe. Despite the obvious worry, her voice is calm and steady and the stability of it draws Aubrey in. It's all too much, and Aubrey relinquishes her need for control to her. She finds the strength to sit up and lets Chloe situate her so she's straddling her lap then collapses into her, burying her face in Chloe's shoulder. "I want to leave." She realizes she sounds like she's begging. She is begging. She sobs freely into Chloe's shirt, prepared to continue pleading. "I want to go home, Chloe. Right now."

Chloe wraps her in a tight hug and nods her head. "We're going to leave, Aubrey, okay?" She presses her lips against the side of Aubrey's head. "We're going to go home." She places her hands on Aubrey's shoulders and eases her upright, trying to make eye contact. "Just tell me what's wrong."

Aubrey closes her eyes and bows her head. She doesn't even know where she would start if she did try to explain the last few days. Her head feels like it's full of heavy fog. She wraps her arms around her stomach and tries to lean forward again, desperate to lie down.

"Is your stomach sick?" Chloe asks, moving one hand from her shoulder to stroke her hair.

Aubrey stifles a sob and nods her head. If that's what will convince Chloe to go home, she's sick. It's not a lie though. She has never felt so sick to her stomach before. It feels like she swallowed acid. Not only is it turning her stomach in circles, it's burning her all the way up to her throat and nose.

"Okay. That's okay. Is it stress?" Aubrey expects Chloe to sound accusing, but her voice sounds more like she's just confirming an answer. She continues running her fingers through Aubrey's hair, gently working out the tangles the wind left in it.

"No," Aubrey mouths, shaking her head. It's not. It's vodka and fear and exhaustion and lack of dinner as well. She tries to reel herself back in, but the energy to do so has been zapped out of her. " No..." On top of it all, she can't fall back into old habits.

"Okay." Chloe nods. "I believe you." She removes her fingers from Aubrey's hair and presses the back of her hand to her forehead. "I should have let you stay in bed this morning." She presses the back of her hand and then her palm against Aubrey's cheek. "Do you need a bucket?"

Aubrey shakes her head and grips at the stomach of her shirt, imploring herself not to throw up. She needs sleep. She muffles a sob of pure relief when Chloe eases her head back down and cradles it against her shoulder. Chloe slides her hand underneath the back of Aubrey's shirt, and soothingly rubs her hand up and down the length of Aubrey's back. Every part of Chloe is warm, and Aubrey tries to make herself smaller, because every inch of her feels like it was put in an ice box. "Chloe." She sobs harder, beginning to lose feeling in her body. "Something is wrong."

"Nothing is wrong; you're just feeling very upset over something right now," Chloe consoles her, calm and collected, "You are okay, Aubrey. I have you. Take some breaths." She breathes deeper so Aubrey can follow along with her. "In your nose and out your mouth. You're fine. I'm right here."

Aubrey tries to breathe in through her nose, but it's stuffy from crying, so she takes deep breaths through her mouth at the same rate as Chloe. She slowly uncrosses her arms and wraps them around Chloe and lets Chloe draw her in even closer. Something about this is all too easy. There are no questions about where she was. Or why she didn't say she was leaving. She sniffles and buries her face further into Chloe's shoulder, entangling her fingers in Chloe's hair. She's so cold, her hands are numb, and she can barely feel as she gently twists Chloe's hair around her fingers. She thinks she can just close her eyes and pass out, but sleep doesn't come as easily as she thought it would. The metallic stench of blood lingers in the back of her throat, and she can't stop picturing the blood pouring onto the gravel. She scrunches her face, still able to picture the deer when the first found it and hear the gun go off. She has to pull her face back slightly from Chloe's shirt because the air is too thick to breathe. It's lies that got her here to behind with. "Something happened," she whispers.

"What happened?" Chloe asks, like the question has been in her mouth, just waiting to be asked.

It's no surprise to Aubrey that Chloe knows this is bigger than Aubrey wants to make it seem. Chloe can be an airhead sometimes, but she's not stupid. Far from it. She's much smarter than Aubrey is when it comes to reading people and figuring them out. But Aubrey doesn't know what to start with. The photo. The phone calls. Beca's ring. Beca. Tyler. The deer. They all tangle together, and maybe Beca's right for once. Maybe she's trying to connect a bunch of dots that aren't there. But it's all so much that alone they don't make sense. She closes her eyes, breathing her way through a strong wave of nausea. "I don't know…"

"You don't know or you don't know how to tell me?" Chloe asks. "Or you don't want to tell me?"

"I don't know," Aubrey answers, her voice still shaking.

"Okay, okay. Aubrey, I'm going to assume it's the last one. Why don't you want to tell me?" Chloe's voice remains calm and steady. If she's upset or angry, she's hiding it well – much better than she normally would. "Because you think I'll be mad at you? Because you think I won't believe you? Because you're scared of something?"

It's all of them, but Aubrey nods at the last one. She doesn't even realize the intensity of the fear until Chloe asks the question. Thoughts of the music box come out of nowhere, and she realizes she left it with Nikki. She doesn't want to ever see the music box again, but she realizes she should have grabbed it – that maybe she could have used it to somehow defend her fear in all of this.

"Did Beca do something?" Chloe asks, still no change in the tone of her voice.

Aubrey hesitates. Did Beca do something to scare her? No. She'd be scared of a blade of grass before she'd ever be scared of Beca. Did Beca do something in general? Beca has done a lot of somethings in general. She shakes her head, trying to come up with a way to just cut Beca out of all of this.

"Did Beca have something to do with it?" Chloe tries again.

Aubrey reminds herself again that lying is what escalated all of this. She sniffles and nods her head, starting to calm down significantly.

"Okay." Chloe places both of her hands on Aubrey's shoulders and eases her upright again. "You need to make a choice, Aubrey. Either you tell me what is going on, or I'm going to call Beca and she's going to tell me."

"She's not going to tell you, Chloe. She's going to lie to you." Aubrey shuts her eyes and pinches the bridge of her nose. "But, of course, you would ask her and you would just believe her, because - "

"Aubrey," Chloe cuts her off. "Aubrey, I'm on your side here, okay?"

"Are you?" Aubrey asks. "Because it doesn't feel like it." She rubs her face with the palms of her hands, trying to keep her emotions in check.

"Yes. God, yes." Chloe moves Aubrey's hands out of the way and places her hands on her cheeks, giving her a peculiar look when she flinches. "I am on your side. Yes. If you want to tell me the sky is green right now, I'm might be a little skeptic, but I'm going to believe you. I'm sorry that I made you feel that way." She leans her forehead against Aubrey's. "Talk to me. What's wrong?"

Aubrey isn't sure how Chloe could believe anything – not with her lying and sneaking around at night with Beca. She wants to believe her.

"Do you want me to call Beca so I can get some answers?" Chloe asks.

Aubrey quickly shakes her head. She doesn't want to see Beca's face again for as long as she lives. "No."

"Then you have to talk to me." Chloe tenderly brushes her hair out of her face.

Aubrey can still smell the blood. Feel it running down her arms after falling in the woods. She stares downward, trying to block it out. And the words don't want to form. She absently twists her sleeves around her hands, feeling numb to her immediate surroundings – including Chloe touching her. The whole room feels distant. She's not sure if she's crying again; she can't even feel herself breathing.

"Okay." Chloe exhales slowly. "Here, put your head back down." She pulls Aubrey back into her, keeping one hand on the back of her head as she pulls Aubrey's phone out of her pocket. She unlocks it and dials then balances it against her ear with her shoulder so she can rub Aubrey's back again. Aubrey almost drifts into darkness, but Chloe's voice pulls her back again. "Okay, you don't have to answer the phone like that. It's me," she says, irritation clear in her tone. "You need to come over." She pauses. "No, now. Like, right now."

Aubrey isn't sure why she thought this conversation would be done over the phone. She pulls away from Chloe and crawls off her lap, trying to preserve some of her dignity. "I don't want her here, Chloe." At the same time, she doesn't want Chloe talking to Beca without her present to defend her side of the story. She doesn't want Chloe talking to Beca at all. She sits down crisscross, slouching back against the bed's headboard. Chloe's stuffed bear pokes her in the back and she pulls it out from behind her. The familiarity of it is comforting and she drops it on her lap, absently rubbing its ear between her fingers. The thought of Beca coming over brings her close to crying again, and she stares down at Sam, fighting to keep her chin from quivering.

"Because you're going to tell me what's going on," Chloe says firmly into the phone. She crawls off the bed and walks over to the dresser, pulling open one of the drawers. "Well, I think Aubrey is sick of fighting with you too. I'll see you in a minute." She hangs up the phone and places it on the dresser then pulls out a pair of shorts. She slips them on then adjusts her shirt and turns around to face the bed. "I'm going to talk to Beca in the living room and then we can talk when I have some idea of what is happening."

Aubrey looks up. It's starting to feel like the moment she thinks nothing can get worse, the world is destined to tell her it can. She swallows hard and shakes her head. "She's just going to tell you that I'm crazy." The word alone makes it harder to breathe. "She's going to tell you about the pictures and the phone calls and the ring and going to see Tyler at the clinic and the ink and –"

"Aubrey, slow down." Chloe walks around the bed so she's closer to Aubrey and sits down.

"She's going to say that none of it has to do with the rest of it and that I'm insane, but I'm not blowing it out of proportion, Chloe! Everything keeps coming back to me, and they just keep calling and playing music, and - " She's forced to stop, unable to talk over crying. She covers her face with her hand, struggling to get a grasp on herself.

"Who's calling you?" Chloe puts her hand on Aubrey's knee. "Trebles?"

"No!" Aubrey yells. There's a knock on the door and Aubrey practically leaps out of her skin. Her heart thuds in her chest. "Forget it. Just forget it. Go believe what she wants you to believe."

"Aubrey…"

"You always take her side. It doesn't matter what I say when she's around." Aubrey drops Sam down beside her. She wraps her arms around her stomach and bends one of her knees so she can lean forward and rest her forehead on it.

"Bree, you are so tired right now." Chloe reaches over and strokes her hair. "Why don't you lay down…"

Aubrey pushes Chloe's hand away then wraps her arms back around her stomach. Just when she started to believe things were okay, they're not. Chloe is going to talk to Beca, and Beca is going to tell her whatever she wants about the music, Tyler, the deer. She's probably going to tell Chloe that Aubrey pushed her. And they're going to go back home fighting. Or, worse, Chloe is going to decide to stay and tell her to leave without her. Another knock on the door makes her heart skip a beat. She pulls her other leg up closer to her chest. "Believe whatever you want, Chloe. I don't care."

"I'm just trying to figure out what's wrong, because when I ask you, you won't tell me." Chloe pauses. "This isn't about Beca right now. I just don't know who else to ask other than her, because, for some reason, she seems to know what happened. I'm worried, because you can't seem to articulate why you are this upset, and I don't know what to do to help you."

"Just come to bed." Aubrey chokes over a sob.

"Okay. Just give me five minutes in the living room with Beca." Chloe places her hand on Aubrey's hair again. "You can call my name if you need me."

"I am calling it, Chloe!" Aubrey isn't sure how she can call Chloe any louder. "I'm calling it, and you're not listening, because you're always so focused on Beca! Chloe!" She presses her face against her knee, realizing she might as well just be in the room alone.

Chloe freezes for a moment. She turns and kneels on the bed. "If I promise not to talk to Beca and to let this go for the night, you need to promise that we are going to talk about this as soon as you calm down."

Aubrey jumps at the agreement and nods.

"Okay," Chloe whispers, "Let me text Beca to tell her to leave." She picks up Aubrey's phone again and moves off the bed. Aubrey can feel Chloe watching her as she walks around the bed then starts pulling open dresser drawers. "You need to change your clothes."

Aubrey realizes that she's drenched in cold sweat and her clothes are sticking to her. She grips the bottom of her sweatshirt then stops, because moving just makes her feel sicker. "I'm fine in these."

"I know that you're not." Chloe walks around the bed again and places clothes down by Aubrey's feet. "Lift your head." She carefully helps Aubrey pull her shirt off then drops it on the floor, followed by her bra. Even though all Aubrey has to do to help Chloe get her pants off is lift herself off the bed, it takes a substantial amount of effort and she nearly collapses and folds into herself the moment Chloe pulls them off.

Everything is such a blur that it's unclear how Chloe manages to get another shirt on her, but somehow she ends up wearing Chloe's Yankees sweatshirt. Aubrey pulls the front of the sweatshirt down over her bare legs and hugs her knees, hiding her face behind her arms. Even though she just washed it, it smells like Chloe, and she buries her face further in the sleeves.

"Do you want to put these pants on?" Chloe asks.

Aubrey shakes her head. It took enough effort to take the pants she already had on off. The sound of more clothes hitting the floor twists her insides. "Why can't you ever just pick anything up?" The sight of them in her head, unfolded and cluttering the room, makes her try to pull her legs in tighter in an attempt to lessen the tingling beneath her skin. It occurs to her that she didn't pick up her shoes. She whines and curls her arms over her head, entangling her fingers tightly in her hair, pulling at it.

"I'm not real worried about picking things up right now." Chloe picks everything up anyway. "I'm worried about you."

Aubrey forces herself to lift her head so she can look at the floor then watch Chloe fold the clothes on top the dresser. She considers asking her to go pick up her shoes. And make sure she locked the door. Her stomach rolls and she slowly lowers her legs back down to sit crisscross, trying to take some of the pressure off of it. It doesn't help. Did she lock the door? She rests her hands flat against her stomach.

Chloe finishes folding the clothes then turns around, placing her hands on her hips. Chloe's posture doesn't scream angry like it usually does when her hands are on her hips. Her brows are drawn together in worry, the corners of her lips turned downward in a concerned frown.

Aubrey looks down at the blankets, trying to focus on something that isn't spinning. Just sitting on the bed feels like that time Chloe took her on the Teacups at the fair right after they ate lunch. She presses the back of her hand against her mouth and gives Chloe a desperate look. None of this can be happening.

"Sweetheart…" Chloe's voice is heavy with solicitude. Her hands drop back down to her sides and she walks back around the bed again, grabbing the paper can from beside the nightstand. She places the paper can on Aubrey's lap then slips the hair tie off her wrist and carefully begins gathering Aubrey's hair back away from her face. "Whatever happened, whatever it was, it's going to be okay. We can take the first ferry back to Seattle and get a hotel in the city until we can change our flight." She kneels down on the bed once Aubrey's hair is tied up, placing one hand on Aubrey's back.

"I'm sorry," Aubrey whispers. She doesn't know what for exactly. There are too many things she needs to be apologizing for. Lying. Trusting Beca over Chloe. Putting Chloe through all of this right now. She digs her fingernails into the stomach of her shirt, putting all of her willpower into not vomiting.

"It's okay to throw up. You don't feel well. It's not a big deal." Chloe carefully pries her fingers away from her shirt, then slips her hand underneath the fabric and gently rubs her stomach. "We'll be out of here soon, and we can pretend it never happened."

"I want to leave now." The thought of waiting makes it harder to breathe again. Aubrey wants to be in her own apartment. In her own bed. Or Chloe's bed. Not here. She fumbles to keep some control over herself, but her stomach lurches and she can't take it. She sobs miserably and subconsciously reaches out and grabs the bottom of Chloe's shirt for a sense of security as she throws up the water and the alcohol.

"I understand that." Chloe keeps rubbing slow, soothing circles on Aubrey's stomach. "But it's the middle of the night and you're getting sick and I don't know how to get out of here right now."

It occurs to Aubrey how trapped they are. Unless they wait on a ferry or happen across a local with a boat, there is no way back to the mainland. She's stuck here with a dead kid and a dead deer and images of blood soaking into the dirt etched into her retinas. She clamps her eyes shut and throws up again and again, her stomach twisting itself into knots that get tighter and tighter. She can still feel the cold metal of the gun pressed against her hand. "I need to go home, Chloe," she chokes out. It's unreasonable to think that Chloe can help. She knows it is. But, somehow, Aubrey hopes that if she keeps insisting, they'll leave faster. "Please."

"I know that you don't feel well and that you need to go home." Chloe's voice is still soft and calm. "We're going to get out of here as soon as we can." She briefly stops rubbing Aubrey's stomach and presses the back of her hand to Aubrey's forehead again, and Aubrey realizes how out of it she is if Chloe is still checking for a fever. "I promise I'm going to take care of it. Just try to breathe for me."

It's impossible to breathe. Aubrey hasn't eaten since a few bites of fruit at the pool and she's quickly reduced to dry heaving once her stomach can't find any more water or vodka. Her entire body burns, and her chest feels like it's literally on fire. The only sense of relief is Chloe scooting closer to her and slipping her hand back under her shirt to resume rubbing her stomach and her ribcage. After a solid minute of trying to throw up nothing, her stomach more or less gives up, and the nausea fades into the tolerable range. Her fingers slowly loosen their grip on Chloe's shirt and Chloe leans back for a moment, grabbing something from the nightstand. Before Aubrey can even register Chloe is moving, she leans forward again and wipes Aubrey's mouth and nose with a tissue. Aubrey can't find the energy to push her away and do it herself.

Chloe tosses the tissue into the paper can then leans back again and picks up a glass of water. "Here, it's mine from earlier." She tilts the glass against Aubrey's lips.

Aubrey rinses her mouth out and spits into the paper can then takes a few miniscule sips of water.

"I'll be right back." Chloe places the glass back on the nightstand and takes the paper can from Aubrey. She presses a kiss to Aubrey's forehead then climbs off the bed.

Aubrey stares at her lap in a daze. She has no idea how long it is before Chloe crawls back in bed and balances the paper can between a pillow and the headboard near the side of the bed. It feels simultaneously like seconds and hours. Her eyelids feel too heavy to hold open, but she suddenly finds herself clinging to her last thread of awareness, refusing to close them as Chloe pulls her back into her arms. "Chloe." She places her arm against Chloe's chest, propping herself up before Chloe can pull her all the way in. "Do you think death is just nothing?" The thought of Tyler and the deer and death being a dreamless sleep that lasts forever make her feel like she's going to throw up again. She tries to comprehend it. Just nothing. No awareness. No feelings. No jogging or reading the paper or thinking about work. No Chloe. Forever. Suddenly, sleep doesn't feel as inviting.

Chloe is still for a moment. "I don't think it's possible that there can just be nothing. I don't know if I believe in the traditional Heaven and Hell, but there just being nothing seems unlikely." She moves Aubrey's arm and adjusts them so she's cradling Aubrey against her. "There has to be something."

Aubrey's head lulls against Chloe's shoulder. The thought of experiencing something while not attached to her body isn't any easier to think about. She doesn't know why it bothers her so much – the idea of detaching from her physical self and being a part of the cosmos alone. She's been alone most of her life. And if death is nothing, she won't be there to experience it. But, eventually, without her consent, everything will be over and she'll be like the deer in the middle of the road.

Chloe slowly eases them down, lying on her back with Aubrey partially on top of her. She tugs the hair tie out of Aubrey's hair and strokes her hair. "Sometimes, I think maybe we just start over – like time is just one big loop and we're destined to make the same choices and live the same life, bad or good, over and over again an infinite amount of times." She pulls the comforter over them then resumes running her fingers through Aubrey's hair.

Aubrey sniffles and tucks her face between Chloe's neck and shoulder. The warmth of her skin and scent of her are grounding. In spite of everything else, she wants to be in this moment an infinite amount of times. Nowhere else. Just here. Right now. The two of them tangled together, detached from everything around them. Infinitely. She closes her eyes, oblivious to thoughts outside of infinity and the feeling of Chloe's chest rising and falling against her. Her body becomes too heavy to move, but her mind clings to remaining conscious even if it can't fully grasp being aware. She feels like she's sinking and the only thing tangible is Chloe underneath her. Her brain tries to comprehend not feeling Chloe forever, not even having the awareness to miss her. Nothing. Forever.

Chloe must realize she's struggling to shut herself down because she somehow manages to snuggle Aubrey in even closer to her – rolling them onto their sides and entangling them to the point that in her worn out stupor, Aubrey isn't sure which parts of their bodies belong to her and which parts belong to Chloe. "But I think God is real," she says quietly, letting Aubrey cling to the sound of her voice. "I never went to church, but everything is so complex, it's hard to imagine everything exists like it does just by chance. I just don't think He's as involved with our lives as much as some people like to think." She fades into a contemplative silence for a few moments. "Maybe He was at first, but by now, I think we're just forgotten art. Why are you thinking so hard about dying right now, Aubrey?"

Forgotten art. That means no one is watching. No one has a hand in anything that's going to happen. Aubrey doesn't know why that's suddenly so terrifying to her. Her eyes sting from crying, a dull throbbing behind them, eliciting more tears. "We went to the clinic." She's not sure Chloe can even understand her, because the alcohol and crying slur her words together. The thought of telling Chloe everything, of Chloe getting up and walking out right now, sends a new wave of nausea through her, and she suddenly can't breathe. "Chloe, I need to sit up."

"Okay." Chloe doesn't fight her like Aubrey expects her to. She helps her sit up, sitting up with her, and grabs the paper can again. "Hey, I'm going to be right back, okay?" She twists Aubrey's hair back and takes her hand, helping her hold her own hair back away from her face. "I'm not even leaving the room; just sit tight for a second."

"Don't call Beca." Aubrey squeezes her eyes shut as the dry heaving starts again and Chloe leaves the bed. She tries to follow the sound of her footsteps but gives up when her stomach somehow finds more to throw up and she finds herself doubling over in pain. She has a high pain tolerance, but this is the third time she's thrown up in twenty-four hours and she has nothing left to vomit, except bile and vodka. But what's worse is the humiliation and the shame, and she wishes her body could find a way to rid itself of that too. She can't even remember the last time she threw up because of stress. "Chloe." She whimpers as she retches again, her chest igniting in pain.

"It's okay. I'm not calling Beca. You're okay." Chloe is still keeping the same gentle, calm tone as she rustles through something. "You're okay. Your body is just trying to get out the alcohol. That's why you're getting sick. I know it hurts, but just let it out. I'll be there in a second."

Chloe is lying to make her feel better, and Aubrey wishes she could believe her. She wishes she could believe that she's only sick because of too much vodka and not because she just murdered something. The only reason she's throwing up alcohol is because it's the only thing in her system. She doesn't have the energy to keep her hair back and she lets it fall back down over her shoulders, still shakily trying to keep it out of her face. She considers asking Chloe to pull it back for her again, but her head is hurting so badly that she's not sure she can tolerate it, which is probably why Chloe let her hair back down for her to begin with.

Chloe crawls back up onto the bed again and kneels beside her, helping her with her hair. She presses a tissue against Aubrey's hand when she switches from gagging to just hiccupping, and Aubrey knows she's trying to help her preserve some of her dignity by letting her wipe her own face off this time. She takes the paper can after Aubrey drops the tissue into it and places it on the nightstand, not leaving the bed to go clean it. "Aubrey…" she says slowly, resting her hand on Aubrey's back, "I need you to take some pills for me, okay?"

Aubrey knows exactly the concoction that Chloe is going to give her. Emetrol. Melatonin. And Xanax. She gasps for air, unable to catch her breath. Chloe is literally going to drug her to sleep. She tries to kick the footboard of the bed in an outburst of frustration, but it's too far away. She grabs one of the pillows behind her and weakly flings it off to the side. Something glass smashes on the ground.

"I know." Chloe rubs her hand up and down the length of Aubrey's back. "I know. But I need you to lay down and get some sleep. You don't feel good and you're exhausted, and whatever happened, your anxiety is off the charts right now, and I cannot help you by myself right now, okay? I know you want to go home, and you want to go right now. But it's the middle of the night and I don't know what to do to get us there. I want to help, Aubrey, but I don't know what to do. So let's just get everything under control like this for right now, and in the morning, we can work together to get all of this sorted out."

"I am going to throw it up, Chloe!" Aubrey mentally kicks herself for yelling at her, and struggles harder to breathe. She already feels qualmish again. "No, I was drinking. I can't.." Talking takes up too much oxygen and she has to stop. She keeps trying to get herself back under control, but she can't even get enough air.

"I think you're going to be fine. You need this right now. You're not going to throw up Emetrol. You know how much better it makes you feel." Chloe takes her hand and puts the pills on her palm. "You need to try it. If you are that sick that you are up all night, because you can't hold down Emetrol, we will deal with that, but we need to at least try to sleep. You need to sleep, Aubrey. You haven't slept in days. I will be right here all night."

Aubrey finds herself holding onto the sound of Chloe's voice again, clinging to the logic in her words. She brings her palm to her mouth and puts all three pills in her mouth at once, then takes the glass of water Chloe hands her.

"Good girl. Drink all of it," Chloe tells her. She gets up and grabs the paper can, yawning and rubbing her face as she walks out of the room again.

Aubrey forces herself to swallow the pills and drink all of the water. She places the empty glass back on the stand then sits crisscross, trying to ignore the feeling of dread that settles over her when she's alone. She glances around, making sure the windows are shut and the curtains are pulled. "Can you check the door?" she asks when Chloe walks back in.

"Of course." Chloe nods and places the paper can and a full glass of water on the nightstand. She grabs the empty glass and walks out once more.

It gets easier to breathe, but Xanax is never the comfortable feeling Aubrey expected it to be before agreeing to the prescription. Instead, it still feels like something is wrong, but she can't grasp the emotion she knows she feels. She grips the blankets, trying to stop the shaking in her hands, but the rest of her just keeps shivering. Her tears finally stop and she sniffles, not sure if feeling nothing is that much better than before.

"It's locked." Chloe walks in again and climbs into bed, adjusting the blankets before looking at Aubrey. "How do you feel?" She presses her hand to Aubrey's forehead again, but Aubrey knows she's still not warm. "Are you ready to lay down?"

Aubrey shakes her head.

"Aubrey…" Chloe sighs. "Let me hold you." She wraps her arms around Aubrey's shoulders, pulling her closer. "Come on."

Aubrey lets go of the need to keep trying to access any feelings outside of exhaustion. She can feel her brain shutting itself down and she barely realizes that Chloe is laying them down until she's curled up against her with her face buried against Chloe's neck. She tries to at least manage her senses enough to keep feeling Chloe, because she can't just feel nothing. Her head is dizzy and her body is suddenly too heavy to move. Somewhere, there's panic.

"I'm going to stay awake until you go to sleep." Chloe holds her tight. "I love you. No matter what happened, I love you." She cuddles them together and rests her cheek against Aubrey's forehead, starting to softly hum.

Aubrey latches on to the comfort of Chloe humming for as long as she can before can't stay awake any longer. She falls into a fitful sleep, still vaguely aware of her surroundings and how Chloe is still awake, stroking her hair, every time she drifts in and out.


Just close your eyes,
The sun is going down.
You'll be alright,
No one can hurt you now.
Come morning light,
You and I'll be safe and sound.
-Taylor Swift, The Civil Wars