A/N: TRIGGERS...please proceed with caution.
Also...can I just say that when Whitney died I wept like a little baby...and when I wrote with this song it was through tears. Sorry if it's a little...scrambled. I couldn't...focus completely. Otherwise. Enjoy! :)
Chapter 56: I Didn't Know My Own Strength (Whitney Houston)
It was going to be rough and hard...
But the best love is worked for, it isn't easy.
That's what makes it last...faith that you can get through to the other side.
Through anything!
Santana's POV
I woke up the next morning with a renewed purpose.
Everything that had happened with Dr. Cray was inconsequential when I thought about the fact that my friend was dying right in front of me.
I mean, yes, I know my stuff was really serious but shit was always going on with me.
With me shit was always serious in one way or another.
But to me helping Ari was bigger than my problems.
She was here and hurting.
And I was going to do everything in my power to help her.
There was a definite difference between now and the past times that she was sick.
I could see it in her eyes the night before as she promised to fight.
The fire in her was dimming and had we not made her promise...I'm sure that it would have gone out much sooner than we would have liked.
But she was going to fight now.
And I was going to make sure that she kept her word.
How?
Simple, Ari has always told me to not talk about things but to be about them.
So I woke up early, even though I didn't have to, with my renewed sense of purpose and decided that starting today, I was going to start participating in my life instead of just letting it happen to me.
And because I had been involved in so much shit...so much negativity, I knew for a fact that all I had to do was ask and Britt would be game.
But where's the fun in that?
The dark curtains blocked out all the morning light from our room, but I knew that it was early.
Britt had been really exhausted the night before and because of that, she was sleeping like a rock.
There were dark circles under her eyes and a part of me felt bad about what I was going to do, but it was very necessary.
I wanted her to start her day off in the right way.
So I lifted the covers and slid down until I was near her feet.
And with the swiftness of a cat and the precision of a ninja, I managed to get her onto her back and slid her panties completely off.
The scent of her almost had my mouth watering.
It had been way too long since I had tasted her.
But just like always...she was ready for me.
I ran my fingers over her skin and watched her skin raise in my wake.
But when I peered up at her, her jaw was still slack and her eyes were still lightly closed.
She was deeper into sleep than I had thought.
No problem.
I began at her knees and began to press wet, open-mouthed kisses to her legs.
"Mmmm." She moaned but her eyes never opened.
She was still asleep but apparently her dreams were good.
I couldn't help my smile as I eased her legs apart.
She was glistening and my heart began to race.
I felt like a virgin.
Be cool, Lopez...be cool.
I was a pro at this...so why was I nervous?
"Please...Ana...please?" She whispered.
Ahhh...she was awake.
Her long fingers traced my chin as I met those sparkling blue eyes.
"Good Morning, Britt Britt."
"We'll see just how good it is, once you put those pretty lips of yours to work."
The blush that filled my cheeks made me feel even more subconscious.
Fucking be cool, Lopez...she's your wife.
Right.
I owned this.
Ha!
Britt's hand was now on the back of my neck and she was softly pushing my head forward.
God she is impatient.
But hey...I was apparently in high demand...I couldn't disappoint.
It was like there was a great big feast before me and I was starving.
Just to prove my point, my stomach rumbled.
Point taken.
I dove in and began to slowly run my tongue along her clit.
The hitch in her breathing was all I needed to urge me on as I began to drop kisses before using my tongue to drive her wild.
I felt her grip my hair in her hands as I wound her up only to pull away and blow on the wetness.
It was the only time that I really managed to successfully tease her.
"Oh...mmmmm...Ana...please...it-it's been sooooooooo long." She grunted out.
I laughed as I held her clit between my lips and could feel the resulting tremor that quaked through her.
My stomach made another rumble and I knew that I needed to eat or this was not going to be pretty.
Hungry me while pregnant meant nausea if I didn't feed the need to eat.
And this was the last place that I wanted to do that,
So I revved up my actions by pushing two of my fingers deep inside of her while sucking and nibbling on her clit.
"Yes! Fuck...yes! Just-j-j-just like that!"
"Yea?" I whispered before sucking extra hard.
"Fuck! Yes! Ssssannn...ahhhh Ana! Yes!"
It was only moments later that her walls had a death grip on my thrusting fingers.
Her hips rose from the bed and she just hovered there for a moment before falling bonelessly back down onto the bed.
I pulled back and smiled up at her.
"Good morning?"
"Fuck...yes. Get up here and kiss me." She whined.
"You got it babe." I said.
Brittany's POV
How is it even possible for her to be so hot first thing in the morning?
After an orgasm that not only had my toes curling but my fingers clenching, she crawled up to the pillow like a pouncing tiger.
The look on her face reminded me so much of Lord Tubbington when he saw a mouse.
It was predatory.
And on my wife, it was enough to get me to pounce on her.
My fingers were aching to touch her and please her,
But I knew that I couldn't.
And it was killing me.
She was still healing down there and her back, while almost done healing still had nerve damage.
I wasn't going to push her.
I had to wait.
Now I was starting to understand what she meant by having a needs because damn if I didn't have them now!
There was no better way to wake up than to her.
It was like all our tension from a few days ago was erased.
Like we were new again.
She loved me.
Fuck Hector.
"Thank you for that." I said when she finally plopped down in my arms.
She smiled up at me and then kissed my chin.
I knew what was next as she leaned up and kissed my forehead and then my cheeks and then my nose...I smiled as I watched those beautiful lips hover over mine.
"You are very welcome, B...I am definitely going to start having you more often...I missed you."
"Yea?"
"Mmmm...yea."
"I wish you could do that all the time."
"I wish I could too...but we would never get anything done. We have so many things to do."
"Right...things." I rolled my eyes and she broke out into giggles.
Actual giggles.
Seeing her this happy made my whole body tingle.
This was one of my favorite parts of her.
Relaxed.
It didn't happen often but when it did, it lit up my entire world.
"Hungry?"
"No thanks...I just ate."
"Seriously? Are you guys always that crude?" We both looked up to see a pale looking Ari standing in the doorway with Gloria peeking over her shoulder.
"Shit." I laughed when Ana buried herself in my armpit and pulled the covers over her head.
"Morning ladies...we weren't loud were we?" I asked.
"Of course you were...but it wasn't that bad...we just happened to be walking by." Gloria said from around Ari. "And now that my lovely girlfriend has made sure that you are thoroughly embarrassed...I am going to take her downstairs and get breakfast going. Bye ladies!"
Gloria pulled Ari out of the doorway and shut the doors.
"They're gone, babe."
"That was so...ugh."
"Well...it was great while it lasted...we should get up."
"Yea."
"Oh...and I kind of...set up an appointment for you to meet with your adviser today at eleven. They have this rule about you meeting with them before you can pull out of your classes...and drop out."
"We'll looks like we are going to have a day in the city but I think we should take two cars."
"Why?"
"Simple...you are picking up Rob and Susan at ten. Ari has chemo at nine. I have the meeting at school at eleven but I have to be at the station at eight. So I can go from the station to school and you drop off Ari and then go to the airport. We can meet at the apartment for a late lunch?"
"Wow we do have things!"
"See and new should get a move on before my-"
And like she reminded her body, she got all queasy looking and leapt down from the bed.
I wasted no time following her, I hated seeing her so sick but she needed me.
"Okay...ready, B?" Ana was hopping up and down next to her car door as she looked across the driveway at me.
"Not yet." I said as I looked at Gloria and Ari in my truck. "I need to talk to you for a second."
She looked worried now.
Which I totally was, I felt uneasy about her going off alone all day.
She was too sure about going off and driving two different cars.
It had been a month since she was high last and even though I was pretty sure she was done with that, I still felt uneasy about it.
So I walked over to her truck and stood there in front of her.
She was sweet to me as she placed her hands on either side of my face and searched my eyes.
"What is it, B?"
"Do you want to check to see if Sandra can go with you? I really don't like the idea of you being alone today."
I wasn't expecting her to be so willing to accept.
She nodded and then smiled really big.
"Sure, B. I know that it makes you nervous that I'm alone. I can ask her, Johnny is home so she can probably get away."
"Okay...want to call her now."
"Would that make you feel better?" Her eyebrows were raised.
I never was this demanding with her.
But something just didn't feel right.
"Yes."
"Alright then." She opened her car door and turned it on. She buckled herself in and put the window down before telling the car to call Sandra.
The phone rang and she looked at me with the biggest smile on her face.
But I could see the irritation in her eyes.
She probably didn't mean to show it...but it was definitely there.
We were good though...we were trying to be anyway.
Santana's POV
"Why are you pissed?"
Sandra sat next to me as we followed Britt down the long driveway and onto the main road.
"I'm not pissed."
I was really pissed.
"Don't lie...what's wrong?"
"Nothing...I'm overreacting...I'm sure of it."
I turned up the radio and began to drum on the steering wheel.
My sister was staring at me as I continued to ignore my agitation but I knew that I wasn't doing so well.
Finally she turned off the radio and put her hand on my arm.
"Santana."
"Yes?"
"Pull over."
"I can't."
Britt would want to know why.
"Pull the car over...I can't deal with you like this and it could distract you. Let me drive."
"Please." I could hear the pleading in my own voice and it annoyed me further. "Just...I will tell you...just don't make me pull over...not while we are still following Britt."
"Fine...but you promise that you will tell me?"
"Yes." I gritted out with my teeth clenched.
"Talk." She said finally dropping the death grip that she had on my arm.
"She still doesn't trust me...after every fucking thing! It wasn't my fault...I didn't get high on purpose! I had been clean and sober...I was doing so fucking good! But it doesn't matter...I can't drive by myself because she thinks that I will go looking to score. Do you know how fucking hurt that makes me?"
I was crying now...ruining my fucking make-up.
This was ridiculous.
I was weeping like a fucking baby now.
Over something so stupid.
And to top it off, I was feeling so much rage that my body was shaking.
"Okay...you're swerving...pull over."
I didn't argue this time.
I didn't even look ahead to see if I was behind Britt anymore, instead I pulled over onto the side of the road and turned off the car.
Sandra went to climb out the car when I started beating on the steering wheel with my fists.
And then when I saw Britt's red truck up ahead pulled over with its flashers on, I let out a scream that turned into coughs as I choked on my tears.
This was bullshit.
I just needed to get myself together.
I locked the doors as my sister met Britt in front of my truck.
This was me feeling trapped literally and figuratively and I had no one to blame but myself.
I watched as they talked about me and tried to figure out what to do.
Britt though wasn't looking at them as she talked, she was looking straight through the windshield and into my eyes.
She was trying her best to figure out what was the best course of action.
And then she did something that she had only done once before to me.
It had been during that period of time when we had fooled around with the whole spanking thing...it had been just one week and I couldn't handle it.
I was a wuss when it came to her touching me like that.
She promised that she wouldn't do it unless there no other option.
And in the six years that followed...even in the most extreme situations...she had never done it.
Until now.
She held up her palm with her fingers splayed.
She was counting down.
I had five seconds to get my shit together.
And she already had two fingers down as she talked to Sandra.
They were all looking at what she was doing and then at me but I didn't move.
I wasn't going to.
There was no way that she would put her hands on me...not after what had happened to me.
She had two fingers left and had now walked to the outside of my driver door.
I could see it in her eyes.
She wasn't kidding.
If pushed to a closed fist, I was going to be over her knee.
And really...I deserved it.
I had agreed...even if it was six years ago...I had agreed.
She had control right now and I was doing this.
One finger...and I just looked in her eyes and shook my head.
Closed fist.
I had all day to figure out how to convince her not to punish me.
We had such a good morning and now I was back to feeling like this again.
These emotions were just too much.
I smiled at her and mouthed that I was sorry but her face didn't change.
Britt looked at me with a calm and cool expression before nodding just once and heading back over to Sandra.
She whispered something to her and then handed her keys over.
Shit.
Fuck her and her ability to throw curve balls.
I had called her bluff and now she was calling mine.
She had promised me though...if she was going to punish me it wouldn't be with her hands.
So what then?
My mind had been so busy trying to figure out what her next move us that when there was a harsh knock on my window, I jumped.
Britt was waiting for me to unlock the doors.
I wasn't going to make it worse.
So I climbed over the console, afraid to actually get up and walk around, before unlocking the doors.
Dumb move.
Britt opened the door and then slammed it really hard.
So hard that it shook the car.
She was angry now.
Something that I hated to see.
This was our first spat as a married couple.
Just great.
Why couldn't things be her fault for once?
Right...because I can be the biggest fuck up.
Me and my fucking pride.
That's how I ended up at Dr. Cray's mercy.
I just can't let people lead me.
What the fuck, Lopez?
"Buckle up."
That was a warning.
I buckled my seatbelt and before I had the chance to speak, Britt was whipping the car onto the road and driving.
And not just at any speed but really fucking fast.
"Slow down, Britt...I'm getting nauseous."
"No you aren't." She whispered.
Right...I wasn't.
Slow cars made me nauseous but not fast ones.
"Fine...just...why are you speeding?"
"Don't question me right now...just sit there. Please."
I wanted to respond.
But I didn't.
I wasn't that stupid.
There was no way that I was going to make her more upset right now.
This was enough.
Happy, post orgasm Britt was gone and replaced by this controlling dominatrix.
I swear if she was ever a researcher...I would be on my knees letting her control my every breath and probably loving it.
Thankfully though...Britt was just on the edges of this whole domestic discipline thing.
Otherwise...my ass would be toast.
Brittany's POV
I knew it!
Man...I knew that she had done things a little too willingly.
I just didn't expect her to explode like she did.
Sandra was upset now and I didn't think that her being with Ana was a good thing.
Instead, I asked her to pick up my parents.
If my wife wanted to be unhinged then she would only have me to take it out on.
If she had a fucking problem...she could take it out on me.
This shouldn't be where it is.
She had a huge response to what I asked of her and so I felt like there was only one thing I could do.
Only one thing that would make her stop her shit and get over herself.
What I didn't expect was her completely refusing to acknowledge my countdown.
What I didn't expect was her to force me to live up to what I was saying by doing it.
But what she didn't expect was that I would do it.
That I would punish her.
She thought wrong.
When we got to the police station, Ana went to immediately climb from the car but I put my hand on her leg and stopped her.
"Wait for me, please?"
"You can't go in there, B...they only need me."
"You promised that you would tell me what happened...you can do both now. I'm not going to leave your side all day."
"That's not necessary."
"Oh but it is. You need me."
She pulled her arm from mine and pushed her door open.
I thought she would just let this go but she turned around as I was turning off the car and made a really, really mean face.
"I don't need you, Britt...that's the problem. It always has been."
"Take that back."
It felt like she stabbed me right through the heart.
I mean yea, she was pissed that I was hovering but that was no reason to say such hurtful things.
Especially to me, right now.
"NO! Fuck off."
And just like that she was storming ahead before I could catch up.
To make things worse, I was making my way up the stairs when I felt a hand on my shoulder.
"Brittany...can we talk for a second?"
Hector.
Which meant Gladys.
I turned in place and saw Gladys going through a leather folder as she walked up behind her husband.
"Hi Brittany...is Ana already inside?"
I nodded and then turned to look at Hector.
What could he possibly say to make me feel any worse today?
"While I would love to see how well you apologize for the rude things that you said about me, I believe that my wife spoke enough for the both of us. Right now...I just need you to leave us alone. There is nothing that you can say to fix this. I have more important things to do with my time."
And just like that, I turned around and walked into the police station.
When I finally caught up with Gladys she was standing over a really angry Ana.
I went to stand beside her and that's when I saw that Ana had completely washed her face.
Not a stitch of makeup was anywhere.
She hated to be out in public like this despite how naturally beautiful she was.
Gladys turned to me and put her hand on my shoulder.
"Hi mija, talk to your wife here. She came in here looking a mess and then told the Captain that she would only give her statement alone. I told her there is no option for that. She WILL have her mother there and she WILL have her wife."
She was staring directly at my crying wife and waiting for her to give a response.
Ana looked around at the people in the station and then up at me and then Gladys.
I could tell that she just wanted to disappear into the floor, she was really embarrassed.
And frankly, I couldn't blame her.
This situation was already screwed up but now, she was pregnant, she didn't have her mask on, and she wasn't being allowed to ignore me.
She wasn't in her element and even though I really wanted to be mad at her for her behavior, right now wasn't about that.
So I swallowed my feelings about everything and slid onto the bench beside her.
"Ana, I have your extra makeup bag in my purse, why don't you go get yourself comfortable and then we can go inside. I will be here the whole time but you can just be in the room alone. Me and Gladys can sit in the mirror room...would that be better for you?"
I handed her a tissue and waited for her to wipe her eyes before expecting an answer.
"Thanks, B." She gave me a soft smile and then held her hand out.
I knew that if I gave her something...just one thing out of the big things making her uncomfortable that she would push herself to be the best she could.
And her makeup...well that was her physical shield from the rest of the world.
I pulled the little black bag from my purse and handed it to her.
Her dimples stood out as she sucked her lips into her mouth.
She was trying not to cry again.
But it wasn't working.
So I did the only thing that I knew how to do...the thing that I should have done instead of counting down earlier, I wrapped her in my arms and let her bury her face against my neck.
She needed to gather herself...everyone could kiss her ass.
This was a tough day and I wasn't going to make it any worse.
Santana's POV
I'm not stupid.
I know that I'm not ugly.
Everyone has always told me how makeup just wasn't necessary for me,
I knew that.
But it symbolized way more than just my appearance.
Ever since I was being pressed against that couch and my innocence was stolen from me,
I have never felt comfortable showing people my natural face.
It started with curiosity...or rebellion.
My body didn't belong to me anymore but my face did.
I couldn't hide my body from Marco or the other stupid boys but my face...could be hidden.
I could make it dramatic, happy, or even serious...Brittany was the first people to really get that.
She never questioned me about it and was always patient while I exhaustively put it on.
It was my armor.
So when I walked into the police station, preparing to bare my soul for legal record...and my makeup had gone to shit...I just wiped it the best I could and waited for Mami.
But when she saw me...she demanded that I wash it off because it was smeared and I looked like a clown.
It was the worst thing she could have said as I sat there pissed.
My ego was bruised.
But I did it.
Without checking to see if I had my travel bag.
Which of course was in the car.
My pride wouldn't let me go back.
Me and my stupid fucking pride.
Britt shouldn't have been so nice to me.
She was.
There was no foolish pride with her.
She saw my despairing and she came through for me.
She anticipated my need and she delivered.
This was why she was in charge.
Why must I keep needing to remind myself?
I was the top of my fucking graduating class and I couldn't even get my mind to understand why Brittany was in charge of shit.
Good going, Lopez.
I needed to make things right.
There was no way that I still wouldn't be punished, I knew that...but at least I could cushion the blow.
So I asked her for her hand as I got up to go search for a bathroom.
Maybe if I apologize in private, she would let things be okay.
Let us be okay.
But of course...my brain...just doesn't understand things of the heart so well.
Britt had stood against the wall of the bathroom and played with her phone while I did my makeup.
I kept trying to make small talk but she kept giving me short answers.
They weren't rude.
But they were definitely short.
So I just stopped and focused on making my makeup waterproof and understated.
My emotions were too out of whack to rely on foundation.
Waterproof stuff was just going to have to be my saving grace.
As I packed everything away though, I managed to smile and had even leaned up to kiss my wife.
"I'm glad that you are feeling better."
"And it's all because of my amazing wife."
"You know better...it's not going to fix it." She said as she looked at me with cold eyes.
"What will?"
"You already know."
My heart started to race as I looked up at her.
I knew.
So I just nodded and swallowed back my apprehension.
I knew.
Brittany's POV
She was strong.
I loved her for it.
Ana looked really sure of herself as she sat there with Captain Dominguez and a recorder.
Gladys was unhappy about having to sit with me behind the glass but she didn't argue me on it.
Thankfully, although I'm sure it was because she knew that she was already on Ana's shit list.
"Did you guys already plan to ask certain questions?"
"Yes and Santana agreed on them...well most of them. Some of them have to be asked."
"Is she going to be okay?"
"I think she will be. My daughter has been in this position too many times to count. She knows what to say."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Okay."
"Okay, state your name for the record."
"Santana Gladys Lopez."
"Occupation?"
"Student at Columbia University."
"How did you first meet Dr. Cray?"
"At a private dinner with my then fiancé, Marco Vega and some of his colleagues back in 2011."
"Can you tell me about that night?"
"I greeted everyone at the door and took their coats and then directed them to the living room. They smoked cigars while I finished preparing dinner and then they all sat and ate. They were discussing business and so I was forced to sit in the kitchen and eat. I didn't actually talk to him until Marco came and got me. He wanted me to try Dr. Cray's product."
"Why you?"
"I was sober at the time and new to drugs...they told me that the drug would have a specific reaction for someone like me who wasn't hooked on it."
"And what was that?"
"Dr. Cray said that it was so that they could hook new buyers. It was extra addictive? I wasn't sure that was a possible thing...but I was basically their tester."
"Prior to this, how long had you been taking drugs?"
"Just a few days."
"Was that the only interaction that you had with Dr. Cray after that?"
"No...soon after, I took him on as a client."
"When you say client, can you be more specific?"
"I was an escort...he paid a large sum to have me for a few hours each week."
"Where did these occurrences take place?"
"His house in Brooklyn. He would sit me down and give me a drink in his living room. My first night there he took me in that room and told me to scream. So I did...then he told me to look out the window and do it again...so I did. There was a couple walking by and I was only a few feet away on the other side of that glass and they didn't hear me. That's when he told me that room was sound proofed...that his whole house was. Later Marco told me how there were cameras in that room. It was in a side conversation...he told me that I should try to hide my face because he showed those videos to his colleagues at Columbia. It was one of those few times that Marco was looking out for me."
"What happened during these occurrences?"
"We had sex...well...it was more of me being handcuffed and whipped. That was one of his favorite things. Apparently it still is."
"When you say that, are you referring to the incident that happened on April 9th?"
"Yes."
"Can you tell me what happened that day?"
I watched as she nodded, her eyes flicked towards the glass and I could see that they were bloodshot.
She was barely hanging on.
But she was pushing through this.
I had never been more proud of her than in this moment.
She took a deep breath and then sighed.
"He grabbed me on the street...threatened to kill my children, my son. So I went with him. When I went into the house, I went straight for the living room. Even though it was soundproof...I knew that he had those cameras on...he ALWAYS had those cameras on. He gave me a drink. The moment that it was in my mouth, I knew that it had something in it. I felt the effects immediately. He was talking to me about how superior he was. I kept losing focus on him and thinking about an argument I had with my friend that morning. He gripped me up slammed me into a wall. From there, he handcuffed me to this metal rail hanging from his ceiling. I was dangling there and he told me how he had enhanced his speedball to be less fatal. He told me that he hadn't had anyone to test things on and as an effect, his sales were picking up. So he pulled my jeans off, I kicked and got his face with my foot. I was wearing flip-flops so it didn't really do anything. Anyway...he was mad that I got the best of him so he used one of my shoes to spank my ass as hard as he could until I apologized. From there he proceeded to stab at the back of my knees with needles. I lost count after two because my head was spinning. I was thankfully numb as he released the cuffs and I dropped to the floor. I was sick...so sick but I kept going trying to escape him."
"Do you need a minute?"
She was taking harsh breaths as she cried but she just shook her head.
"No...I need to get this out. Please?"
"Okay...go on."
"I don't remember him taking off the rest of my clothes but he did. The next thing that knew he had my hands cuffed the legs of his coffee table and my ankles cuffed to the other ones. He told me to tell him that I was scum, a slut and I refused. He did everything, said everything that he could make me break...but I didn't. He threatened me again, he told me that he had disposed of countless girls and that nobody would miss me. Then he r-raped me. He used just his hands at first...he clipped something to my clitoris and then he used something...I don't know what...maybe my shoe and he beat me down there. He hit me so hard that the clippy things ripped off. I was screaming at this point even though I knew that it was pointless. He wanted me to submit to him but I wouldn't so he cut into my neck and proceeded to tell me the names and addresses of all the people he would kill. I begged him to stop...that I would do whatever he wanted if he would just stop...that I wouldn't even come to the cops. But then he got mad at the mention of the cops pulled out his whip. He hit me over and over again, I blacked out in the middle of it and didn't come around again until he was peeing over my back and my head. He had uncuffed me and forced me to stand on my feet. So I did and that's when he gave me cocaine...I snorted it as he held a knife to my throat. It was always my drug of choice and now he was forcing me to break a long sobriety. He said if I was high...the jury wouldn't believe me...then he laughed and told me that I wouldn't have to worry about that because I wasn't going to live past that day. He planned to kill me."
"Tell me how you escaped."
"Oh...it was partially his fault...my phone rang. Brittany, my wife...was calling but I didn't answer. He had gotten distracted...and I cut his throat. I didn't even go deep. I just needed him to be taken down...I don't even know. All I know is that I needed to protect myself and get out of there. At the last second, I covered his wound with a towel. My mom called then and I talked to her a split second before finally making it out onto the steps. From there...it's hazy."
"And today...how are you faring?"
"I am...I'm...still regaining feeling in my back and my vagina and...I'm...uh...p-pregnant."
Captain Dominguez hit the camera and then looked at the glass and waved her hand.
She reached over to Ana and gripped her hand.
"It's his?"
"Yes."
"I need you to know that if don't want him to know...if you want to keep that out of this...we can...for as long as you want."
Ana looked over at me as I stepped into the room and then down into her lap.
She was stuck.
I moved behind her and rested my hands on her shoulders and rubbed them softly.
"Can we pick this up another day? I think she has had enough for today." I said finally after feeling her body shaking.
As I held onto her, I was hoping that the shaking was only from crying...but I was pretty sure that it wasn't.
Santana's POV
My foolish pride was officially pushed to the side as I walked into the apartment behind Britt.
She had decided that I probably needed a break before going to the school.
I was so far into my head, that there was nothing keeping my pride afloat.
I fell back onto the couch and looked up at the ceiling, wishing that I could just figure out what to say to her.
She was way too quiet.
Neither of us had spoken since the station and now that we were alone in our space,
I knew that the time for silence was probably over.
But would she push me?
"Ana...the shower is running...you coming?"
She called from the bedroom and I just nodded as I pushed my heavy body up from the couch.
My tears had weighed me down.
My soul felt so heavy.
Every breath, every thought, every action just felt so hard.
I just felt so broken.
But I knew that I had just done something amazing.
I knew it...even if it hurt so bad.
"I'm so proud of you."
It was the first thing that she said to me as I stepped into the shower with her.
She hadn't even asked if I needed alone time.
Frankly, I'm glad that she had taken it upon herself to decide because I would have probably pushed her away.
I didn't want to be alone but right now I didn't trust my pride not to rear it's ugly face.
"Why?" I asked as I just stood there and allowed the heat of the water to soothe away the ache in my joints, my back and my soul.
"Because today you proved to me...that you are strong enough to make it through anything. You are much stronger than you think you are."
"Am I?"
She nodded and I shrugged.
There were no more tears...this was a straight talking conversation.
"You are...but you already know that."
"I do?"
"Don't you?"
"I do."
My words were shocking even to me.
They came from my heart...without my brain involved.
"You made it through something really hard...really big."
"I thought that I was going to die that day. I kept thinking that I wouldn't get to see my babies grow and that I would never get to marry you. I kept thinking how this would ruin my nephews. I just kept thinking of all the people who would be so hurt and devastated. Then I thought about the stigma on my kids. I just...I had to be strong for them...for you...for me."
"That's why I'm proud."
"And yet you don't trust me."
Ahhh...my pride.
"I do...this morning wasn't about drugs. It was about this...this hurt I knew you would feel. It was about you going back onto that campus alone, it was about you being alone. I didn't want that for you. It wasn't about drugs."
"Tell me it wasn't just a little about drugs." She shrugged this time and I nodded. "See."
She pulled me into her arms and kissed my face before hugging me completely.
"I trust you with my everything. I also know though...that you are an addict...you always will be and when you are hurt...you forget you have hope to hold on to. You forget your strength and you slip up. I didn't want that to happen either."
"Thank you for your honesty." I said into the crook of her neck.
"I will always be honest with you, S."
I smiled at her nickname for me.
Well, Quinn's nickname for me that hadn't been used in so long. It wasn't my favorite but it brought back some positive memories of cheer practice, laps with my trinity and a time when Marco was a distant memory.
So much had changed since it was last used.
I had become stronger and wiser.
I had reached bottom so many times before finding a new bottom.
But here I was...stronger than ever.
I got through it.
And I felt so much faith and conviction in that moment as I stood in Britt's arms.
"So Ms. Lopez. Your wife had informed me over the phone that you wanted to drop out. I am here to convince you not to do it. You have to full backing of the university after what occurred with you and Dr. Cray. I have been asked to get you to reconsider. Also...I wanted to let you know that you missed two weeks out of a whole semester. If you sit your finals this week, with the exception of Biology, you can finish off this semester in good standing. That way if you decide to take some time off, it won't reflect bad upon your student record."
I let his words seep in and I had to admit...it made sense.
School was over now.
I had finals...just four and I could have my grades and things wouldn't be as bad as being a drop out.
Britt held my hand and I smiled.
She wasn't even squeezing.
This was on me.
That's why she made this appointment.
"Okay...you arrange for me to sit the exams and I will."
"Great! I will be in contact this week with a schedule for you."
"Thank you so much, Dr. Ford. I really appreciate all of your help!"
"Thank you for reconsidering...your finals at least."
"What now?" I asked Britt as we sat in the parking lot.
"Now we go get the kids...now we go back to Brooklyn."
Suddenly her motives were clear.
I had to pick up the kids.
In Brooklyn, just a block from the incident on the very day that I had to give a statement.
Britt was covering me.
Being my strength.
She had been trying to hold my arms up and I had overreacted.
Good going, Lopez.
I could only laugh at myself.
And so I did.
Britt looked at me like I had a third eye growing in the center of my head.
"Did I miss something?"
I didn't say anything as I climbed over into her lap.
She looked into my eyes and waited for me to do something.
So I did.
I kissed her forehead and then her cheeks, her nose, her chin and finally I crashed into her lips as I gripped the collar of her shirt.
It took a moment but she kissed me back with just as much fervor.
When we pulled separate because of a lack of oxygen, she was grinning.
"I don't know why you did that...but thank you." She chuckled.
"Because you are a fucking genius. I love you so much! Thank you so much for being there for me even when I didn't think about what I was walking into. Thank you so much!"
"Oh Ana...always and only you. I will always look out for you. You're my person."
"And I never, ever want to not be that."
I rested against her chest and just absorbed her touch for a little while.
She was everything that I needed.
And now that I had finally released that shit that was holding me down...or at least I was starting too,
I would walk into whatever shit lay ahead without feeling alone.
She was the compliment to my strength.
In all my planning to hold up Ari's arms and fight for her, somehow I forgot...that Britt was fighting for me.
But I remembered now.
Shit, I was tempted to tattoo the shit to my forehead.
Always and only her.
Duh!
A/N: Sooo? What did ya think? I'm wrapping up...and yea...thanks for sticking around I really appreciate you guys. I read every single review and they are just...amazing. Thank you!
