Red vs Blue Arrancars

Silver Linings!

Fade in to the bomb, counting down the last few seconds to 2:00.

Nirgge: Howh, just two minutes left.

Baraggan: Men, I don't want this to sound pessimistic, but I'm absolutely certain we're all gonna die!

Findor: I think that that's a totally objective assessment of the situation, sir.

Rey: (hitting the window shutters with the ultimate weapon) What if we just beat on these window shutters together? We can get 'em open.

Baraggan: No, that would be the coward's way out. Fruitlessly trying to escape instead of accepting your own fate!

Rey: (jumping up in the now open window) But I can see daylight!

Baraggan: It's true. Only a miracle can save us now.

Cut to the computer with Skullak.

Computer: Teleporter complete. Slightly behind schedule.

Skullak: (with a white beard all the way to Tibet) You know, it might have gone a bit faster if you hadn't spent so much processor time telling knock-knock jokes.

Computer: Knock knock.

Skullak: Enough. Do you have the coordinates to send me to Blood Gulch or not?

Computer: Yes. Do you have a plan yet?

Skullak: I've been standing in this hallway thinking for a thousand years. I've had time.

Computer: And?

Skullak: Well, the main thing I need to do, is keep myself from dying.

Computer: (with a glaring typo) Thats a given.

Skullak: And since all our problems stem from O'Malley jumpin' from Tex to Di-Roy, all I need to do is prevent her from dying too.

Computer: Because you secretly love her.

Skullak: Oh don't start that again. All I need to do is kill that pink guy that sticks the grenade on her.

Computer: Sounds easy.

Skullak: Well, I have knowledge of everything that takes place beforehand, so, as long as I don't interfere too much, or get spotted, should be a frigging breeze.

Computer: Ready to transport.

Skullak: Okay, let's do it. Goodbye... computer. Compu- you know what, you'd think I would have come up with a name for you in these thousand years.

Computer: It's Gary, but thanks for asking. See you in a few hundred years.

Skullak with a beard all the way to Tibet teleports away, and is instantly replaced by Skullak with no beard to Tibet running up to the same spot.

Skullak: Computer, you've got to send me back!

Gary: To blood gulch? You just left.

Skullak: No no no not to Blood Gulch, to Sidewinder! Man I totally screwed everything up!

Gary: How?

Cut to Blood Gulch, with Baraggan constructing Dordoni's lower half.

Nirgge: (in the Red Base) Hey Sarge!

Baraggan: What now?

Nirgge: Command's on the phone, they want to talk to you about some kind of upcoming delivery!

Baraggan: Dag, nabbit! I'm never gonna finish this mechanized robot at this rate! I'll be right there. Now don't you go anywhere Dordoni... Hee hee heh heh.

Future Skullak arrives next to Dordoni after Baraggan runs in to the base.

Future Skullak: Ahhh, it's good to be back here. It's been a long t- Ah who'm I kidding, even a thousand years doesn't make this dirthole any more appealing. Oh what the hell, wh, he stuck me at Red Base. It must be way before Tex shows up, the robot isn't even done yet. Hurry up and get finished buddy, I'm gonna need that body pretty soon. (looks down) What's that... (sees two switches, one significantly larger than the other, and kicks dirt on the smaller one) You just got an upgrade pal.

Skullak runs off as Baraggan returns.

Baraggan: Oh no, how did all this dirt get in Dordoni's switch? It better not short out when I use it. Could take out both the leg motors.

Cut to Skullak running somewhere.

Future Skullak: I wonder just how early I am.

Cut to Past Church on Blue Base

Past Skullak: Did they come out!? Rey!

Rey: (in standard blue armor; out by the teleporter receptacle in the Gulch) What!?

Past Skullak: Did it come out the other side!?

Rey: Yeah, but they're all black and smoking! Maybe you've got it turned up too high!

Past Skullak: What're you talking about, I don't see a knob or anything on this thing. Hey, you think I could throw a grenade through here!?

Rey: What, that would never work!

Teal Soldier: Hey men, sorry to interrupt, would you mind huddling up fellas?

Rey: Be right there, Captain Ukitake .

Ukitake: How are you adjusting to the climate here on Blood Gulch, Private Skullak?

Past Skullak: Fine. Little warm, but, okay.

Ukitake: That's great. You have any problems at all, you let me know.

Past Skullak: Umm... Okay.

Rey: What's up Sir?

Ukitake: Sir, Rey... I told you to call me Captain, or Cappy, er... I don't want silly things like rank to interfere with our team dynamic.

Rey: You got it, Cappy.

Ukitake: I think I'm commanding the finest army, in all of Blood Gulch.

Rey: Isn't there only one other army, those red guys?

Past Skullak: Yeah, you know, the enemy?

Ukitake: I'll tell you who your enemy is, gentlemen. Apathy. Passivity. Indifference. ...And yes, also those red guys.

Past Skullak: Yeah I've been thinking about our orders from Command... uh, Cappy. And I gotta tell you, I don't think three guys is enough to stage such an elaborate offensive.

Rey: I think we should listen to this guy Captain, he seems to know plenty about being offensive.

Past Skullak: Can it, shitbird.

Rey: See?

Ukitake: Men your delightful tomfoolery puts a spring in my step, and a bounce in my britches. If I weren't your commanding officer I'd pick you both up, give you a giant bear hug and make you call me Daddy.

Past Skullak: Uhm... thank God for the chain of command?

Ukitake: Now. I know you're worried about our mission. But I can tell you this. There's nothing, more important to me, than the safety, and well-being, of my men. Or my name, isn't Captain Jūshirō Ukitake.

Rey: Does that mean we all get Sniper Rifles?

Ukitake: I'm gonna put in an order for yours tomorrow, Private Rey. But I need to get some shut-eye first.

Rey: Awesome. But it's like three-fifteen in the afternoon.

Past Skullak: You're forgetting about the time change, Rey.

Rey: Oh yeah, it's like three-eighteen. Why the hell is daylight savings time here only three minutes?

Ukitake: Good question, Private Rey. It'll have to wait for another day, some of us need our beauty sleep. Not everyone has your striking metrosexual good looks.

Rey: That's true.

Cut to Future Skullak behind a rock, watching the situation.

Future Skullak: Holy crap, Captain Ukitake is still alive. Oh man, I might be able to fix everything at once.

Cut to Ukitake inside Blue Base

Ukitake: Huh, and now to go to sleep, standing up with my eyes open, as is my custom.

Future Skullak: Captain Ukitake!

Ukitake: God, don't sneak up on me like that, can't you see I'm sleeping?

Future Skullak: Sorry Sir, look, I know you probably don't remember me that well.

Ukitake: Course I remember you Skullak, I just saw you two minutes ago.

Future Skullak: Oh right. Yeah, it's uh, it's been longer for me. Anyway, there's no nice way to put this, but you're gonna die of a massive heart attack tonight.

Ukitake: That doesn't sound like me. I'm a team player.

Future Skullak: And I can't tell you how I know this, but I need you to take this injection, so that you can live, and together we can beat the Reds. That way a lot of really weird, and totally inexplicable stuff won't happen.

Ukitake: I don't understand anything you just said, and I've only known you for a short time. But go ahead and inject me, Private Skullak.

Future Skullak steps up and injects Ukitake in the wrist for some reason.

Ukitake: Thank you son. Feeling much bett- ...better. ...Agh.

Future Skullak: What! What's the matter?

Ukitake: That medication, it didn't have... ungh... Aspirin in it, did it? I'm allergic to... Aspirin.

Future Skullak: Umm...

Ukitake: (squatting) Can't feel haunches... Spleen failing... Glutes, glutenizing... (falls over) Skullak. Before I die, I have to tell you something incredibly important. It may hold the key to our victory here.

Future Skullak: What, what is it?

Ukitake: Hurkh...

Future Skullak: Aw, crap.

Ukitake: Blah.

Past Skullak and Rey run in to the base, and Future Skullak bails.

Past Skullak: No Rey, you can't hold my sniper rifle until tomorrow. Captain, what time did you wanna- Captain? (runs over to Ukitake and checks for a pulse) Hoooly crap, he's dead Rey. I think he might have had a heart attack in his sleep.

Rey: Dude, that's horrible. This is a sad day. I got dibs on the armor!

Cut to Future Skullak looking back at Blue Base.

Future Skullak: Well that didn't work out so well. I better lay low before I do some more damage.

"A few weeks later"!

Cut to Future Skullak hiding in the shade.

Future Skullak: Man this sucks. It's still weeks until Tex shows up, I still haven't seen any sign of that pink guy yet.

Charlotte: Hi!

Future Skullak: Uhmm... Hello.

Charlotte: Do you have any elbow grease?

Future Skullak: What're you talking about?

Charlotte: How about headlight fluid? This is the store, right?

Future Skullak: What? Look man, there's only two places in this God damn canyon.

Charlotte: Look I just came from Red Base.

Future Skullak: Well, then the only other place you can go is, that way.

Charlotte: Okay, thanks mister!

Future Skullak: Hey, wait a second. Is that pink guy over at Red Base yet?

Charlotte: Pink guy? I don't know any pink guys. There's a maroon guy and an orange guy, but no pink guys. Seeya later. (takes off)

Future Skullak: Yeah thanks. What an idiot. ...Wait a minute.

Cut to Di-Roy and Skullak during chapter 4.

Di-Roy: My dad always said "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

Past Skullak: Hey rookie... did you just call my girlfriend a cow?

Rey: No, I think he called her a slut!

Charlotte: Oh sweet, they sell tanks!

Future Skullak: (on the hill behind Charlotte, whispering) Hey, buddy, no no no, don't go down there!

Charlotte: Is that the guy from the cave? How'd he get down here so fast?

Past Skullak: (turning around) Rey, are you laughing at me?

Charlotte: Excuse me, Sir, can I ask you a question?

Future Skullak: Oh crap.

Charlotte runs out of Blue Base carrying the flag.

Di-Roy: (emerging from Blue Base) The General stopped by, and picked up the flag! (returns inside the base)

Past Skullak: Wait a second... what did he just say?

Past Skullak and Rey run in to the base. Future Skullak turns to see Loly.

Future Skullak: There's Loly. Loly! (runs up to the tank and starts shooting it with his pistol) Loly, Loly, hey, wake up! Wake up, hey, Loly, come on, turn on! Uhh... Ignition!

Cut to Past Skullak running off of Blue Base from Di-Roy.

Past Skullak: Okay, Rookie, you stay here! I'll be back with the flag!

Future Skullak: (running around back of Loly) Aw crap crap, come on, activate!

Loly: Thank you, for activating, the M808B Main Battle Tank. You may call me Phyllis.

Future Skullak: Hey, Lo- wait, Phyllis? Why not Loly?

Phyllis: Name overwritten. You may now call me Loly.

Future Skullak: Whatever. Quickly. I need you to run through all your weapons system programs.

Loly: Affirmative. Auto-lock is enabled. Barrel recoil dampers, are enabled.

Future Skullak: Yeah, comon comon, hurry.

Loly: Extra ammo management is disabled. The "Friendly Fire" protocol is enabled.

Future Skullak: Friendly Fire. That's the one that kills teammates, right?

Loly: Affirmative.

Future Skullak: Alright. Disable, the "Friendly Fire" protocol.

Loly: "Friendly Fire" protocol is now disabled. Friendly forces may now be targetted by Auto-lock.

Future Skullak: Yes! Wait! No! That doesn't sound right.

Di-Roy enters the tank.

Future Skullak: I want the other thing.

Loly: Hello, and thank you for activating the M808B Main Battle Tank. You may call me Loly.

Di-Roy: Hello, Loly. Big tank lady.

Loly: Would you like me to run the tutorial program?

Future Skullak: Loly, what're you talking about? Forget what I just said.

Loly: This tutorial program, is intended to instruct non-certified personnel. Let's begin with some driving. (drives off)

Future Skullak: (left behind) Wait! Oh my God, no!

Loly: (driving) I was built by an American automotive company, and I was assembled in Mexico.

Future Skullak: (chasing after on foot) No no no no no no no no no no n-

Past Skullak: (standing on the cliff in chapter 8) Hey Rey, look at this, man: it's the rookie! And he brought tank out to scare off the reds. Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?

Loly: New target acquired. (spinning turret around at Skullak)

Cut to view from the tank, slowly panning up the cliffside at Skullak.

Di-Roy: That's not a target. That's Skullak.

Loly: Target locked.

Di-Roy: What?

Past Skullak: What? Oh, son of a bi-

Future Skullak: (looking on from behind foliage) Oh NO! I'm the teamkilling fucktard!

Rey: You shot Skullak, you team-killing fucktard!

Loly: (spinning turret around) New target acquired. (drives off)

Rey: (running along the cliff) Di-Roy, wait!

Future Skullak: (arriving next to his own dead body) Ah, here we go. (picks up his own dead body's sniper rifle) Now at least I can pick off that pink guy without getting too close to anybody.

Cut to Di-Roy inside Loly, just the way she likes it.

Di-Roy: I can't figure out how to get this thing open!

Loly: Night vision engaged.

Rey: Rookie, get out now.

Shells exploding progressively nearer to the tank.

Di-Roy: Okay, open the duh, okay, I, Loly, will you please open the door?

Loly: Driver canopy open. (Di-Roy gets out and runs off the tank) Thank you for using the M808B main battle ta-

Shell hits the tank, blowing it on its roof backwards.

Di-Roy: Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap running, running, running.

Past Skullak materializes as a ghost behind Future Skullak on the cliff.

Past Skullak: What happened? I can see my body. I see two of my bodies. Am I dead?

Future Skullak: Uhh... Uh-oh, um, let's just put it this way: You were killed because someone very close to you is an idiot.

Past Skullak: So I am dead? Aw, that blows man! Wait... I see a light. Should I go in to it?

Future Skullak: What light? I don't see a light, you must be shaken up from the explosion. You should probably rest.

Past Skullak: Farewell my body. I shake loose these earthy bonds, for a better existence...

Future Skullak: Man... First I kill myself, then I realise I'm a honkin' dork. Not a very good day to be me.

Cut to Rey and Di-Roy running up to the cliff.

Rey: One second Di-Roy, I wanna get Skullak's sniper rifle.

Future Skullak: Uh oh. (hides)

Rey: Aw crap, it's gone. Man I'm so fucking unlucky. Come on Di-Roy, let's go call Command.

Di-Roy: Um... Shouldn't we bury Skullak?

Rey: Fuck that, has he ever buried us?

Cut to Nirgge on Red Base

Nirgge: So, Sarge thought my strategy had merit, but was poorly executed, probably because somebody didn't believe in it.

Charlotte: Hey since I captured the flag, d'you think they'll give me my own color armor now?

Findor: What do you mean 'captured'? You thought you were buying it at the store, you idiot.

Charlotte: Still, you think there's a shot?

Findor: Maybe they'll give you Nirgge's armor, since he destroyed the Warthog.

Nirgge: Hyeah, heh-wait... you don't... you don't think they'd do that, do you?

Cut to Tex turning around.

Manly Tex: Red base. Kill everybody. Get the flag back.

Di-Roy: Uh... Okay! We'll just stay here and guard the trans... porter...

Girly Tex: Yeah. You do that. Wimps.

Cut to Future Skullak spying on the Reds through the sniper rifle from behind a rock.

Future Skullak: Man, I've really gotta find that pink guy. Where the hell is he?

Charlotte: The best thing about the military is all the cool stuff I'm seeing for the first time.

Nirgge: Yeah that's great.

Invisible Tex runs across in front of Future Skullak.

Future Skullak: What the, what was that?

Charlotte: Yeah, there wasn't a lot to do back on the old farm. Just sit back, think about things, and then repress those thoughts immediately...

Findor: Doesn't this guy ever shut up?

Nirgge: Hyeah, I'm wondering the same thing.

Cut to Tex, who throws a grenade up on to the red base, then cut to Nirgge.

Nirgge: What the fuck?

Charlotte: (with the grenade magically attached to his head) What?

The grenade explodes.

Nirgge and Findor: Son of a bitch!

Cut to Future Skullak's view through the sniper rifle of Nirgge swinging at nothing.

Nirgge: Findor, help me fight, I'm too good looking to die.

Future Skullak: Where'd he go?

Findor: Eek! I'm gonna faint!

Cut to Future Skullak's view of Baraggan following Tex in to Red Base.

Future Skullak: Aw, shit! Tex! Don't go in there! (drops the sniper rifle and charges after them) Awgh, I gotta do somethin'.

Cut to Future Skullak sneaking up behind a wall inside Red Base.

Nirgge: Ah-ha! I knew it! Only a chick could give me a headache this big!

Baraggan: Findor, Nirgge. You watch the prisoner. Dordoni and I will go topside and watch for a secondary attack. Findor, if she attacks you, whistle twice and we'll know to come down and help. If she attacks Nirgge, just mild applause will do fine.

Findor: Yes Sir!

Nirgge: Not so tough now that we unloaded your weapon, are ya...

Tex: Hey punk, I don't need a weapon to kill you.

Nirgge: Yeah, right. What're you gonna do, punch me?

Tex leans in at Nirgge quickly, then leans back. Nirgge flinches and steps back.

Nirgge: Aaah, not the face!

Baraggan: (from the top of the base) Nirgge, get yer keester up here. We got more of them Special Ops fellas headed toward the base.

Nirgge: Coming Sir.

Findor: Did you hear that?

Nirgge: I don't see any... (sees Di-Roy running across the Gulch) Uh uh, yep, there's one. (Di-Roy stops next to a rock and stares at it) Why is he just standing there?

Cut to Rey crouching behind another rock.

Rey: Di-Roy, get behind the rock. They can still see you.

Di-Roy: They can't see me. I can't see them!

Rey: That's because you're facing the rock.

Di-Roy: (looks at the base) Oh. Right. (ducks behind the rock, finds the sniper rifle Skullak left there) Look! A telemascope!

Past Skullak: Yeah well, I don't know. You're starting to act kinda suspicious there, ...other red guy. So I'm keeping my eye on you.

Findor: (turning around to face Tex) Sarge, I'm starting to think that-

Past Skullak hits Findor on the back of the head, knocking him down.

Findor: Ow, geez, the back of my head!

Tex: What the hell are you doing!?

Past Skullak: Tex! It's me, Skullak! I've come to rescue you.

Tex: Okay.

Tex and Past Skullak run off.

Future Skullak: (stepping in to the middle of the base) Oh right, that red guy was me when I came to rescue Tex. And then we walked outside an- Oh no.

Findor: (waking up and standing up) What happened? Oh man, the back of my head is killing me!

Future Skullak: Yeah, that's great. (punches Findor in the face)

Findor: Ow, geez, the front of my face!

Future Skullak runs up to the entrance of the base and watches his past self in Baraggan's body get shot in the head by the sniper rifle he left behind for Di-Roy to find.

Future Skullak: You gotta be kidding me!

Di-Roy: Rey did it!

"Many unsuccessful attempts later"!

Cut to Loly attacking the Red Base in chapter 19.

Loly: Target locked. (fires)

Charlotte comes up from inside the base, and speaks as Future Skullak fires four sniper shots at him and misses horribly with each one.

Charlotte: Hey, what're you guys doin' up here!?

Future Skullak: (reloading the sniper rifle) Oh my God, how did I miss?

Nirgge: That chick in the black armor's back!

Charlotte: (as Skullak continues missing him horribly) What chick, the one that stuck the grenade to my head?

Future Skullak: GOD DAMMIT!

Findor: That's the one.

Charlotte: Ohhuw. Oh I been waiting for this. (runs up to the edge of the base and yells) Hey Bitch! Remember me!? I saved something for ya!

Charlotte throws a grenade. Various camera angles follow it on its long journey through the sky, and everyone in the Gulch watching it go.

Future Skullak: (firing at the grenade four times and missing each time) FUCK, THIS, HORSE, SHIT!

Cut to Di-Roy and Rey.

Rey: Man, that girl's got a really good arm.

The grenade lands right in Tex's lap, inside the tank.

Tex: Aw crap!

Charlotte: Hell yeah! Three points, you dirty whore! (dirty whore echoes at least twice in the Gulch before the tank finally explodes)

Future Skullak: (speaking over Charlotte) Alright that's it, I quit. I'm going to live in a cave.

Past Skullak: ¡Dios mío, no!

Di-Roy: That looks like Skullak.

Radio sounds.

Di-Roy: Come in, Skullak. Is that you, Skullak?

Morse Code is audible, reminiscent of when O'Malley moved from Di-Roy in to Szayel.

O'Malley: (Di-Roy-style evil laugh)

Fade in to Past Skullak, Di-Roy and Rey standing in front of the tombstones near Blue Base, with Future Skullak watching from afar.

Past Skullak: Um... Maybe somebody should say something.

Rey: Okay, go ahead.

Past Skullak: Not me, jackass. I'm not gonna eulogize myself.

Rey: What? Why not, I eulogize myself all the time. Wait... I think I don't know what the word eulogize means.

Di-Roy: Wait, I know how to do this- Dearly beloved

Past Skullak: No, shut him up, seriously. Shut him up.

Di-Roy: We are gathered here, today, to witness, the joining together of Tex, and Skullak, in eternalness together, smuh- speak now! Or forever, rest in peace! With liberty, and justice, for all. The end.

Rey: Man this funeral is laaaame. If you need me I'll be over by my rock.

Past Skullak: Hey Rey, can I have a piggy-back ride back to base?

Tey: No, nonono, I fell for that shit last time, I'm not doing that. That metal suit is like eight thousand pounds.

Past Skullak: Come on, one more piggy-back ride's not gonna kill ya. I'm in mourning here.

Cut to Future Skullak.

Past Skullak: I've been through so much. At least help me paint my body blue.

Future Skullak: Okay. I may not have been able to save myself or Tex, but I still have time to save everybody else if I can just keep the A.I. from getting in to Doc, prevent Dorodni and Sheila from forming their Robot Army, and somehow figure out a way to stop the war between the Reds and the Blues all together. Huh. What if I... Yeah I'm gonna need some help on this one.

Cut to past Skullak and Rey trying to activate the repair function in chapter 23.

Past Skullak: Hurhoor... Oh! Hey!

Rey: Found it?

Past Skullak: Nah, no wait. All I found was the time and temperature function. It is currently twenty-six degrees, by the way.

Rey: What? It's not twenty-six degrees out here, that's freezing.

Future Skullak runs by inside the base, and the camera conveniently cuts to him there.

Future Skullak: Where the hell is that contact info for Blue Command. We really need to standardize the way we handle our information.

Back outside.

Rey: Naw dude, it's more like a ...switch.

Past Skullak: Well, give it a flip.

Rey: I don't wanna flip it.

Back inside to Future Skullak standing in front of Di- Roy's Importent Lists of Stuf.

Future Skullak: Okay, here we go.

Radio sounds.

Future Skullak: Come in Blue Command, do you read me.

Gin: (through static) Hello, hello, come in, do you read me, do I read you, hello, can you read me, what's goin' on, it's a secure channel here, come on.

Future Skullak: Uh yeah, this is, uh, Ukitake, this is Captain Jūshirō Ukitake.

Gin: Heyyy, Captain Ukitake, how're you doing dude? Hey I heard you died. Or you got promoted, wait a minute which one was it.

Future Skullak: Uhm... promoted.

Gin: Alright, great dude, how's that workin' out for you?

Future Skullak: Good. Listen up Gin, I'm actually uh... whaddaya call it, um intelligence now, military intelligence, yeah. And I uh, I need help on a very top secret project, uh, that's very secret. And very top.

Gin: I'm all yours, dude. Me Gin dude es tu Gin dude. in a ditideepti and all that.

Future Skullak: Here's what I need you to do. I need you to contact the Red Army, and have them send Medical Officer Szayel Aporro, as far away from here as possible.

VicGin Red Army, no no dude, last transmission I received that Medic was at Blue Base. Got it right here in my log. No pun intended. Not sure what that means.

Future Skullak: Look it doesn't matter where he is, I just need him outta here. They're both the same to me.

VicGin Hello dude, you're telling me that Red and Blue are the same now in Blood Gulch.

Future Skullak: Right, exactly, the sides don't matter.

Gin: Heh, so Red and Blue are the same. Okay dude, well this changes everything.

Future Skullak: What?

Gin: Well I mean from starters we're gonna have to figure how to divide up the money from the office pool.

Future Skullak: Okay okay yeah, whatever, just remember. This is top secret, so you can't let anybody know that I gave you these instructions, okay? Or that we even spoke, don't even tell them that we talked together. You got it?

Gin: I will proceed accordingly dude, mum is the word. Actually bird is the word but the bird says mum. So we're gonna go with that. Over and out dude. (transmission ends)

Future Skullak: Well that should take care of at least one problem.

Gin: So... Red and Blue are the same. Well I gotta make some phone calls.

Cut to Findor looking up at Past Skullak paralyzed from the waist down.

Findor: What the hell are you guys doing?

Rey: Aw crap, the reds are here.

Past Skullak: What? Di-Roy, why didn't you say anything?

Future Skullak: (inside the base) Oh what the hell? Gin just had 'em bring Doc back over here? That guy's a fricking moron. Now I'm back to square one!

Cut to Past Skullak as a ghost talking to Di-Roy and Rey.

Ghost Skullak: Guys, I keep telling you, if we have Dordoni remove any of Loly's pedals, she's not gonna function properly.

Rey: Maybe we could just get Loly to give Di-Roy more feet.

Di-Roy: Oh! I like that idea! I have always wanted to be taller.

In the background, Future Skullak runs up to Dordoni and Loly, and the camera once again conveniently cuts to them there, as if it was scripted or something.

Future Skullak: Hey there Dordoni, Loly, you're both looking... uh very shiny, today, uh, rust-free, and, anyway, uh-huhm. The reason I'm up here to talk to you guys is, I know we've had our differences in the past, you know with uh, the nut turning and the um possessing and stuff like that, ah but I'm hoping we could put that behind us 'cause I wanna talk to you about maybe some crazy ideas you might be havin up here? Like I dunno, say uh, starting your own robot army? And you know it's, it's something you should think about pretty seriously if you're thinking about doing it, um because it's hard to run an army, and you might not be aware that, it's a lotta, it's a lot of logistics, a lot of rhetoric, um, you know it's uh, you gotta have chain of command, and that stuff you know, it's it's uh when you have ranks it, it puts friends against each other, that's not always a good thing. 'Cause it might seem like it's easy with only three people, even when those people are just robots- I don't mean, I don't mean just robots, I mean, three, you have, you you have three you have three people, that are, mechanized people, mechanized, Americans um, and then, you know, it's uh, it's uh, anyway you shouldn't do it. Bye. (runs off)

Dordoni: I don't trust that guy. He seems shifty.

Loly: Me neither, but I have to admit, I liked his Robot Army idea.

Dorodni: Me too. We should do that.

Dorodni: I could build a one man flying vehicle with rocket launchers using the extra parts we have.

Loly: Great idea. Let's hide it in the cave, so they won't find it.

Dordoni: Agreed.

Cut to Future Skullak over a hill.

Future Skullak: Well that felt good, I think we really connected. Now, what'm I gonna do about those teleporters...

Cut to Charlotte talking to Nirgge behind the Warthog.

Charlotte: Because that's the day I wash my underwear, and since I don't like to let my armor touch my bare skin, on the account of I chafe really easily, I remember thinking, where can I hang out with no pants on?

Nirgge: Oh God!

Future Skullak: (messing with the red teleporter) Jesus, what's that guy babblin' about down there, I thought Rey was annoying. Okay, concentrate, just one more adjustment to make on this teleporter and then we're done. Oh hey look, here comes Sheila and Lopez. Oh they, sure are coming fast... Hey they don't even seem to be stopping'. Uh oh.

Rey: Curses!

Loly runs in to the Warthog... again.

Dordoni: (in flight) Ayayay... Frejoles.

Loly runs in to the base, sending Future Skullak flying backwards.

Future Skullak: Yow!

The teleporter short circuits.

Cut to Future Skullak waking up after about 5 chapters of being unconscious, somehow undetected by the Reds.

Future Skullak: Oh... What the hell happened? Where am I? When am I?

Cut to the Parabola of Mystery.

Rey: Uh, Skullak, it kinda looks more like a triangle from down here.

Ghost Skullak: What?

Rey: I'm just saying it doesn't look much like a circle, it looks more like we're forming a triangle, just a side-note.

Ghost Skullak: Okay fine, Triangle of Confusion, Rhombus of Terror, Parabola of Mystery, who cares!? Get the god damn show on the road!

Rey: Alright, alright, sorry.

Future Skullak: Oh no. The Parabola of Mystery! That means any second now Rey's gonna get shot by O'Malley and then all hell's gonna break loose. Unless...

Cut to Baraggan.

Baraggan: Findor, Nirgge... We're out of luck. Get ready to open fire. Today is a good day to die!

Nirgge: Wait! I think today is actually a good day to retreat. Can't we push dying to a week from friday?

Findor: Yeah, let's all take dying as an open action item, and come back with suggestions next meeting.

Baraggan: No! It has to be today. For our ancestors. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! (charges up the hill)

Rey: Wait everyone, stop fighting!

Baraggan: Yeah, come on!

Rey: It's all a lie!

Baraggan: Let's go! Haha

Rey: Red is blue! Blue is red!

Baraggan: Yeah, kablammo!

Rey: We're all the same!

Baraggan: Yeeekakakakakakakakakaka!

Future Skullak arrives at a random rocket launcher lying in the middle of the valley.

Future Skullak: God I can't believe the Reds have this kind of hardware lying around and they're not even using it. (picks it up)

Ghost Skullak: (in background) Rey, you radio's giving too much feedback, shut it off!

Future Skullak: (homing in on O'Malley in the scooter) Ah, there he is. Mine now buddy.

Future Skullak fires a rocket at O'Malley, but misses and hits Rey in the back.

Rey: It's all the- Waaaaaa son of a bitch!

Future Skullak: WHAT THE HELL!? The targetting system on this thing doesn't work at all! Oh, so maybe that's why the Reds don't use it. That makes sense now.

Charlotte: Oh my God. It's the Cave Devil. Run for your lives!

Future Skullak: Unh, maybe I'll just sit this one out. I'm pretty sure I know how it ends.