45 - Absolution

W/C: 1000ish
Warnings/spoilers/content: some profanity and be warned that this is basically an angsty stream of consciousness delivered in the present tense.
Summary: Ianto meets with his mentor
Characters: Ianto, DI Donaldson
Ianto's New Timeline: June 30, 2006
A/N: *sniffle*


WE ALWAYS MEET here. It's a safe place. I've eaten lunch at this picnic table, in our park so many times. Today, it feels cold and less inviting than it usually does. I think I must be crazy. He's a cop. He's not going to understand. I shouldn't tell him this. I definitely shouldn't. But I…need to. I need him to understand. I think I need absolution. From him. My second father.

I've tried to convince him to take a leave of absence for a few weeks, to join my special group of people in the wilderness. He won't. He won't even hear me out. I suppose I'm not really surprised but I had to try. He says it's his duty to protect and serve. I understand. That's who he is.

After a few uncomfortably tense moments I finally manage to find my words. I tell him that I have to do something horrible. That I have a debt I have to repay.

"A debt to whom? And why do you say it's horrible?" He sounds concerned and rightly so. It must sound pretty ominous. And I must look even worse.

"I have to kill someone," I confess, just above a whisper.

"There's a long, long pause. Then, "Is it a bad person?"

"No. She's not yet. She's innocent. Now. But she will be converted against her will."

"Like brainwashing?"

"Yes, much like that except—it's not reversible. She'll be turned into a killing machine, quite literally. And her death will be long, and drawn out. The worst torture imaginable. She'll be trapped inside her head."

He looks at me for what feels like a really long time and at first the look on his face is shock but then it transforms into… disbelief. I can't blame him. It does sound fucking unbelievable, even to me. My heart's pounding uncomfortably and I'm finding it hard to do anything but gasp and pant tiny breathfuls of air every few seconds. I keep forgetting to breathe which is a real problem because I have a lot of other things on my mind and I'm pretty sure those things are supposed to be autonomic. I expect that shortly he'll shift over to anger or rejection. I keep watching because I know his mind moves quickly. He's very clever and he knows me well. There it is…his eyes are changing and face is relaxing and he's leaning towards me. "So you're going to…put her out of her misery?"

Then I look at him for…for forever it seems. My mouth must be hanging open by this point. I don't know. "Yes," I say and it's clear that I can't fathom how he can just…just accept the batshit crazy things I say.

"I see."

"You do?" I look into his solemn, soulful eyes, searching for something that makes sense, some form of judgement but that's not what I see. He looks exactly like he always does. He's open and kind and it's very clear that he loves me, no matter what.

"Yes, I do. You're a good man, Ianto." He steps forward and grips my shoulders in his massive hands. "Much better than most. I trust your instincts. I trust you to know the right thing to do. You care deeply. I know you do. It takes a strong person to do something so… difficult for someone they care about. If I ever get turned into a zombie, I expect you'll do the right thing by me as well." He smirks, the bastard smirks while I'm having a fucking panic attack.

I've got to shake my head, I can't believe him. How is he even real? The sigh, when it comes, is a full body one and I can feel the tension draining from my limbs. "You always know just what to say…" And I mean it. I mean it so much. I don't know what I ever did without him in my life. He saved me. So many times that I've lost count.

"I'm proud of you my boy. Now, stay safe." And that's it. Then, he just starts walking me to my car and the arm he's got wrapped around my shoulder makes me feel so safe that I could cry all over him.

"You too, Inspector. I really wish you'd reconsider my offer—"

"No-no," he cuts me off before I can even begin. "You know I can't run away. I have a job to do. I can do good here."

"Yes, of course you can but… I just want you safe." Damn, my voice has started to waver.

"I've never been safe," he tells me. "That's the job. I've always known that."

I nod. I know. He's right of course. "Thank you for seeing me. I really needed to see you. To talk to you. Your opinion means…the world to me. I hope you know that?" The words tumble out of my mouth a little too fast.

"Good. I'm glad," he smiles warmly and again he makes me feel safe. "You're all right, Ianto. Remember that. You are all right. Better than." He gives me a bear hug that threatens the structural integrity of my ribs and I hug him right back. "Follow your instincts and you'll be fine."

"Thank you, Sir."

"You're welcome but I didn't really do anything."

"Yes, you did." I give him my very best smile. "Be safe, Inspector."

"I will. We'll talk after this is all done. And maybe you'll finally have an interesting story to tell me—you know the real one—after all this time?"

I can't help wincing. I know I owe him a story. I nod and salute for good measure. "Yes, we'll talk soon."

I love you.

I think these words practically every time I talk to him and I want to say them out loud but I haven't. I tell myself that it never seems to be the right time. But I'm pretty sure that's exactly what a coward would tell himself.