Author's Chapter Notes:

To the person who left me an incredibly rude "anonymous" review in February, my only advice to you is, stop reading. To be perfectly honest I don't want people like you reading anyway, because you clearly don't appreciate anything.

I'm not here to write on your demand or for your pleasure. I write fanfic because I enjoy it, and I enjoy hearing from people who appreciate what I put out there, not for you to tear me down. Everyone here understands that they need to wait a long time between chapters during term time, and that when I can, I'll get them out as quickly as possible. I know a lot of you don't like it, and to be honest, I don't either, because it takes me out of touch with you all.

I'm 20 years old and living away from home at university, it's safe to say there are a lot of things that are far more important than writing fanfic.

I have always said I will finish this story, and I will. I don't believe in bringing you all this far and not following through. And we all know that you sent me it anonymously so that I wouldn't have a chance to defend myself, nice move.

However, you are only one person, to everyone else, welcome back and thank you for sticking with me. I am genuinely humbled by your responses and your honesty & I try my best to take your concerns into consideration whilst still keeping to my own idea :)

I hope you all got the teaser during the week!

I hope I managed to get back to everyone who reviewed, if not, then check that your PMs aren't disabled and I should get back to you next time! :)

Last time Bella and Edward had a very important conversation over the phone that brought them both to a place much calmer than they've been. Who thinks they can be friends like they planned?

I disclaim.


Chapter 51: Shake It Out

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to

relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way

And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

Our love is questioned, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It's always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back?
It's a fine romance but it's left me so undone
It's always darkest before the dawn

Oh whoa, oh whoa...

And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't
So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope
It's a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me

Well, what the hell,
I'm gonna let it happen to me, yeah

Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Shake it Out – Florence and the Machine

EPOV:

The days were bleeding into one another, but I was no longer watching them pass me by from the darkness of my room, or my spot on the sofa.

I was back at school, and while my headaches had me scowling my way through every class, and my workload making my heartbeat race, it was better than being at home.

I wasn't alone; I had the option to talk to someone other than Kate if the desire should take me. I should add that it very rarely did, but it was sort of nice to have the choice.

Kate was still living with us, and she'd sort of become one of the family without even really trying. She made us breakfast, helped Alice with the designs she did in her spare time, and more than once I'd found her and dad sat out on the patio with a glass of wine in hand and hushed voices as they talked about whatever it was they actually did talk about.

I felt slightly jealous the first time. She was supposed to be there to help me, not joke with Emmett, sing along to the radio with Alice, and console my father over alcohol, but when I opened my eyes – after Bella had told me I needed to – I could see that she was helping my entire family.

She was bringing us together, talking to us all, getting us all to see the cracks and the problems, and helping us all deal with them. After that, I saw her as a sort of angel in disguise. She was pretty, kind, compassionate, intelligent and even funny, if she could help my dad get back everything he'd lost in himself, then I'd willingly give up my time with her to make it happen.

I hadn't spoken to Bella since our conversation on the phone, but not through lack of trying on her part. She'd watch me during lunch and her eyes almost begged me to speak up again like I had that one day, but something always caught in the back of my throat and I'd just look back down at the table-top in silence.

It was stupid, but it was like I couldn't make my tongue move. I'd asked Kate about it, why it was so easy to talk to her, but almost impossible in front of my friends. She'd said it was because I was too worried about what they thought of me and what they would think of me following whatever lame thing I said. Kate didn't call it lame, I just knew that if I ever did speak up, it would be completely pointless to their conversation because I barely knew what was going on around me most of the time.

It was better than it was, but I'd still find myself jolted by the sounding of the bell at the end of the class, and realize I'd missed almost half of what the teacher had been saying. None of them ever asked me to speak up or answer in class, but I could tell by their faces that they weren't happy with my less than stellar grades and contribution.

I'd gone from straight As, even after everything the summer before, to Bs and Cs. A Cullen never got Bs and Cs.

I should have been a senior, and there I was barely passing my junior year. It was frustrating to say the least.

I heard Emmett coming through the front door from my spot in the kitchen and ran some cold water into the glass I'd been holding absentmindedly.

The door had been taken off its frame, meaning the living room and hall could be seen from the kitchen island and vice versa. It wasn't my idea, I'd barely even noticed it, but when I'd come down from being in my bedroom for nearly three days during one of my bad periods, it was gone.

I guess I could understand why if it had been my dad's idea, but it was just another thing none of us had talked about. Was he feeling guilty for me finding out about my real dad the way I had? Had he blamed the door for not knowing I could hear every word of their argument that night?

I was facing my medication when Emmett walked in and straight over to the mountain of muffins on the side and I chuckled as I watched him put four on a plate.

It wouldn't have surprised me for him to eat them all himself, it did, however, surprise me to see Rosalie, Angela and Ben follow him into the kitchen.

"Hey, Edward," Rosalie greeted me softly, her eyes flitting to the boxes on the counter in front of me before resting on the fridge behind me.

I felt uncomfortable with them all there, but I could hardly tell them that. I didn't like taking my meds in front of my brother, never mind his – our – friends.

I nodded at her before focusing back on the boxes, taking one pill out of four of them and two out of the fifth. I tried to ignore the fact that there was suddenly a huge elephant in the room, and that the tension was rising, but it was easier said than done.

I shoved the six pills in my pocket before hastily scooping up all the boxes and shoving them in the cupboard they now lived in. Without another word I walked out of the room and made my way to the stairs.

"E, wait!" I cringed at Emmett's voice, wondering why he was suddenly calling me E when Bella had been the only one to ever do it before.

I narrowed my eyes at him before I realized the thought of anything happening between the two of them was ridiculous, but Emmett saw it all as he slowed to a stop in front of me.

We all knew I was crazy.

"I'm sorry man, I had no idea. I didn't even see them…the muffins kind of caught my attention…" He smiled sheepishly and I talked myself through Kate's steps in my head.

Breathe in. Remember he is on your side. Breathe again and relax.

I nodded at him as Rose wandered into the living room, her hands wringing in front of her.

"We were thinking of a movie night, if you want to join us?" she asked quietly, as if afraid of my answer.

"I don't really want to go out," I answered, registering the shock on her face, realizing I hadn't spoken to her in what felt like months.

She covered it quickly before replying. "No, here. Just a few DVDs, some junk food, a fort of pillows on the floor…" She giggled lightly no doubt at the image in her head as she waved her hand towards the entertainment room downstairs.

"A pillow fort! Why didn't I think of that?" Emmett shouted enthusiastically and I smiled faintly at his childish pleasures.

"I…no, I…thanks anyway though, yeah…" I gestured up the stairs with my thumb, turning on my heel to get out of their way, but not before seeing Rose's face fall, as if she was genuinely disappointed I wouldn't be there. It wasn't like we were even that close, she wouldn't miss my presence that much.

"Oh, okay, well, if you change your mind you know where we are," she called after me as I ascended the stairs.

"We tried, babe. That's all we can do."

I heard Emmett reassure her before I listened to all four sets of footsteps descend the stairs to the TV room in the basement that Emmett begged for when we first moved in.

I felt strange as I entered my bedroom and closed the door over, leaving it ajar so I could listen for Kate and my dad getting back.

It was a Saturday evening, Emmett had been at football practice all day, Alice was round at Jasper's and Kate and my dad had taken the car to Port Angeles to check out the markets. They'd left not long after my session with her after breakfast, and they'd probably be gone for a while more.

I flopped down on my bed and realized that I was disappointed. It took me a while to figure out it was because all of our friends were here – apart from Alice and Jasper who were busy – but Bella wasn't. Where was she? What was she spending her Saturday doing?

She'd told me to call her every night before I went to sleep, or when I woke up from a nightmare, but over the last week, I hadn't. I'd had nightmares, I doubted those would ever stop, but I couldn't bring myself to press the call button. I didn't want to be more of a burden on her, knowing now what she was going through.

I knew, deep down, that she wouldn't have suggested it if she didn't mean it, that she cared enough to go out of her way to help, but I couldn't willingly put more on her shoulders. I wanted to be as strong as she was. She was fighting her demons, dealing with her past and her crumbling future and standing as tall as she ever did.

I was a shattered mess compared to her and I didn't like the way it made me feel.

I needed to talk to Kate, but more than that, I needed to talk to my dad.

If there was anything I could do to help her, I would, whether she'd want it or not.

I couldn't stand by and see her suffer.

My head hurt, and so did my chest when I thought about it.

My arm was bent at a strange angle and my foot was frozen.

It took me a while to realize I'd fallen asleep on my bed, in a fucking uncomfortable position, and even longer to realize that something – or someone – was touching me.

It was feather-light; a whisper across my forehead and around my hairline.

I didn't want it to end, it was soothing and peaceful and all sorts of things I hadn't felt in too long.

I shifted my head, hoping to bring myself closer to the source, but instead it stopped completely and I had to open my eyes to check if I had imagined the whole thing.

Instead, my eyes were greeted with a brunette, brown-eyed girl sitting on the edge of my bed, her hand hovering over my cheek.

It had been two days since I'd last seen her. I hadn't made it to school the day before having had a particularly bad night, but it felt like a lifetime since I'd laid eyes on her. Her face was clear of make-up, the circles under her eyes were clear and pronounced, and her hair was scraped back into a messy bun – something I knew she didn't think she suited – telling me she wasn't having a great day herself.

My gaze floated to her hand, so close to where I wanted it, and then back to her eyes, hoping she'd understand and grant my wish.

I closed my eyes momentarily in a mix of happiness and relief when her fingers touched my cheek and trailed their familiar path from my eye to my jaw.

I remembered the first time I'd done it to her. We were in New York, I'd taken her for a walk through Central Park, and the sun had hit her through the trees, projecting a sunbeam from her left eye down to her lips. I'd only followed it with my fingers, but when my eyes had met hers, I'd found more in their depths than I ever had before.

I thought, remembering back, that was the first moment I knew I was in love with her. I'd never felt that full before, or so happy, and I remember rationalising that it couldn't be anything else. I was in love.

I'd traced that path numerous times after that before she'd left to go home, and I realized I'd done it when I met her again at the beginning of the year, as if my subconscious knew exactly what was happening even if my brain didn't.

"It was a sunbeam," I said absently and her touch disappeared again. I opened my eyes to find her confused gaze looking down at me.

"The first time I did that to you in the park. It was a sunbeam filtering through the trees. I remember seeing it and wishing I had my sketchbook with me so I could capture how you looked. Instead, I touched it, but you had no idea what I was doing because you couldn't see it."

Surprise filtered across her face and her hand fell to her lap.

"You remember that?" she asked quietly, as if maybe someone had just told me. But how could they, we were the only ones there. Her doubt of everything ran so deep I wondered if she'd ever overcome it.

"Yeah, just now. That was the first moment I knew I loved you…"

She gasped, and I thought maybe I'd overstepped a line, but she bit her lip and tried to hide a smile.

"You kissed me for so long that it distracted me from asking why you'd done it. I guess I just didn't question it after that," she answered. "Wait…we'd only known each other a week by then…"

I shrugged, not embarrassed but sheepish that maybe she'd think it strange.

"Didn't matter…still doesn't…"

I turned and stretched, worried by her prolonged silence, wishing I knew what was going through her head.

"Do you really believe that?" she asked, as quietly as before. Her eyes were fixed on the headboard of my bed, and I thought on her question.

"What, that it doesn't matter?" I asked, confusing myself with the change in direction in our conversation.

She nodded. "That we'd only known each other a week. That you barely know me now?"

I watched as she gulped – swallowing down an imaginary lump in her throat – and my eyes widened.

Instead of the myriad of things racing through my brain, I sat up straighter and asked, "Is that what you believe?"

It was her turn to shrug her shoulders, and I sagged, not really knowing how to answer or reassure her. A month ago I wouldn't have doubted myself, would have been able to tell her how I really felt with no fear or pressure, but now, I wasn't so sure what I wanted to say would be what she wanted to hear.

In such a short period of time, we'd become two completely different people. Whether that was for the better or not was a different matter altogether.

"I…" I started, but didn't know what to say, Bella's head snapping back in my direction distracting me. She looked…hopeful.

"I want to say that I do. Or I did. I've fallen in love with you twice, Bella, how can you think I don't know you?"

A small smile played at her lips as she found my hand with hers, slotting her fingers into the spaces between mine.

"I know I forgot everything, and I know I can't excuse what I did, or how I acted, nor can I ever apologize enough for everything you've been through because of me, but somewhere deep down inside, I know you.

"I know how you look when you wake up. I know what food you like the most and that you'd eat ice-cream all day everyday if you could. I know that like me, your relationship with your parents was strained, but that you love them more than anything. I know how you feel in my arms, what colour your hair is when the sun hits it, and how red your nose gets when it's cold.

"I know you're one of the strongest, kindest and giving people I've ever met…and I know there's more to you than that, but I'd literally be here all night…"

For some reason my hand was shaking, and I wasn't sure whether it was me or Bella that was trembling.

Those three little words wanted nothing more than to roll of my tongue like they had so many times before, but I knew it wasn't the time.

We'd only just got into the groove of being friends, complicating it was the last thing we needed.

I still needed to address a million issues, with myself, and concerning the both of us, before I went to Bella with the explanations and apologies she needed, and it struck me that she must have truly been strong to be my friend whilst waiting around for the discussions we needed to have.

I edged forward, as if I was approaching a terrified animal, swinging my legs off the side of my bed so as to bring me closer to Bella.

She seemed slightly unresponsive, but her eyes never left mine, giving me hope that I hadn't overstepped any invisible lines. Her eyes widened as I leant closer, and I wondered if she thought I was going to kiss her. Then I wondered what that thought would be. Would she be terrified that I was going to ruin everything, or as desperate as I was to feel that connection again?

Not wanting to risk it, I wound my arm around her shoulder and pulled her into me. My whole body deflated with the relief of feeling her small body moulded to the side of mine, her head tucked under my chin as she gently rested her cheek on my collarbone.

My eyes flicked to the door and saw Kate pause at the top of the stairs as she saw my company. A small smile passed across her face before she nodded, turned and headed quietly back down the way she'd come.

Bella's hand brushed across my stomach and settled on my hip as she hugged herself to me tighter.

It didn't occur to me until that moment, that maybe she needed this as much, if not more, than I did. Her mother had been taken away from her, but not before shattering her world. Her tuition was gone, along with it any hopes of escaping Forks and starting a new life somewhere else and she'd watched as I self-destructed all at the same time.

"I'm sorry, Bella," I murmured into her hair. "I'm so sorry."

She squeezed tighter, not making a sound apart from her staggered breathing as she tried to keep whatever emotion she was feeling to herself.

Several moments passed as I listened to her calm her breathing before she spoke up.

"Why didn't you join everyone downstairs?" she asked, reminding me that our friends were I fact in the basement and that it was still the same night.

"I…I didn't feel up to it. I'm not sure I'm ready for all that again…"

"Why?" she asked softly, pulling back from me to look into my eyes.

"The normalcy, the laughter, the jokes? All the while avoiding the massive bright pink elephant in the room?" I raised my eyebrows as if to say 'duh' and delighted in the small giggle that left her lips.

"Fair enough," she whispered.

"You go," I encouraged, taking hope from the disappointment that flitted across her features. "I need to talk to my dad and Kate," I continued. Bella nodded and stood up, her hands wringing in front of her as if she didn't know what to do.

"I'll see you soon?" she asked, and I hated the doubt in her voice.

"I'll make Emmett my personal alarm clock on Monday to get me out of bed and into school."

She giggled again and I luxuriated in the sound. I'd once made it my mission to make her laugh, in fact, I'd promised it. At some point, I'd forgotten those too.

With one last smile she left my room and padded down the stairs. I gave her a few minutes to make it to the basement before leaving the confines of my room and following her down to the first floor of the house.

Kate and Carlisle were both in his office, laughing about something quietly between them. I knocked on the slightly ajar door and smiled as Carlisle waved me in. They both seemed to be in particularly good moods and I wondered if I was imagining things when I saw the changing relationship between them.

"Did you have fun?" I asked, not really knowing what else to say.

"Kate tried to buy me a hideous jumper that even my grandfather wouldn't be caught dead in, and she's a little annoyed she didn't succeed." Carlisle laughed and I felt myself smiling as the two of them looked at each other and then at me.

I remembered that feeling. Catching the eye of the person you were falling for and wondering if they were thinking and feeling the same thing; the increase in heart rate when you thought of just blurting it out there and going for it.

It surprised me that I felt happy for them, without a hint of jealousy or guilt or worry. After all he'd been through; Carlisle deserved it more than anyone. More than me, that was for sure.

Carlisle broke the silence when it became obvious I wasn't offering up any more pleasantries. "What can I do for you, son?"

"I'll leave you two to it," Kate made to leave but I stopped her.

"No, can you stay?"

She nodded, intrigued as she caught the gaze of my father. Both of them sat down, but I stayed standing, feeling like it might help me feel more in control.

"Edward?" Carlisle's voice jarred me back into the present, spinning me from the spot I'd stopped in to stare out of the large windows.

"I need your help. I also need you to be honest with me, and I also want you to hear me out before telling me how ridiculous I'm being."

"Okay…" he trailed off, looking at Kate for some sort of help. She only nodded and fixed her gaze back on me.

"I know you gave me that envelope on Edward Senior before I left for New York, and I know you probably don't even want to hear the guy's name, but I want to know about the money."

"Edward…" Carlisle looked stricken, and I remembered the look in his eyes when he found me in the hospital in Seattle, knowing I'd been in the bank, knowing I'd been planning to run to New York again.

"No….I'm not running. I don't want it for me. I don't even know how much there is, I don't think I even care at the moment, but I need you to do something for me…

"Have you spoken to Charlie recently?" I asked, slightly changing direction.

Carlisle nodded sadly. "I was the one who helped with Renee's transfer."

I stared at him. Of course he was, he was their friend and their doctor. Why hadn't that dawned on me before.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked instead.

"Edward, you had plenty on your plate, you still do. I know Bella means a lot to you, but you need to focus on you. Other people's problems aren't going to make your own go away."

I dragged in a breath and Carlisle started to look somewhat apologetic.

"First, Bella doesn't mean a lot to me, she means everything to me. Her mother was put in a mental institution and her future taken away from her to pay for it and you didn't think I should know?"

My voice was rising and I battled to keep it calm, knowing that there were more people in our house.

I looked to Kate as I calmed down and saw something in her eye that let me know that maybe she understood where I was going.

"I get it, I do, and I know now. I want to help, no, I need to help. She doesn't deserve to be stuck in this town when she so desperately doesn't want to be.

"I'm not saying she's not capable of getting into with a scholarship, because I know how brilliant she is, but I don't want it to come down to her maybe not getting in. I have more money than I know what to do with, sitting in an account that's never been looked at, and she needs it."

"Edward, I'm not sure what you expect us to do? Charlie and Bella are hardly going to accept a pay-out, no one would."

"I know that, but she has to go to college, she's had her heart set on it for years." I took a deep breath and turned to face the window again, collecting my thoughts and figuring out what I wanted to say.

"I want you to help me set up a scholarship fund. It can be in our name or someone else's, I don't care, but I want Bella to have it. I don't know how that would work, or if college's would accept it, but she is going. You can offer the college's that she's applied to a fund to cover her fee's, and whichever one's accept can send her an acceptance letter, that way she can still choose where she wants to go.

"I don't know, would that even work?" I asked, spinning round to look at me father. He had a look of pride mixed with concentration on his face and I knew I had him on board.

"I'll phone the dean at Chicago, he's an old friend, and ask him how these things would work. Edward are you sure you want to do this? Bella might not accept it."

"Bella isn't going to find out. She can't know it's from me. She just needs to be given the opportunity to go and do what she's always wanted to do. She's graduating this year, if that's not a sign that she's completely brilliant, I don't know what is."

"She is an intelligent young girl, any college would be lucky to have her. I'll make my enquiries tomorrow morning."

"Thank you," I answered softly.

I smiled and sighed in relief. If it was the only thing I could do for her, I'd do it. It might mean saying goodbye to her, but I'd do it.

"Edward…" Kate started, but I wasn't sure I wanted to hear it.

"I know. I know what it means, but just because I'll be stuck here doesn't mean she should be too. I want her to live her life the way she wanted to long before she met me. Columbia and NYU were her favourites, but I'm not sure if that's changed, I'll need to ask Angela where she applied."

Before I realized what was happening, Kate had stood, made her way over to me and engulfed me in a hug. It surprised me, but after a few moments I sank into her warmth and hugged her back before pulling away.

"I'm proud of you," she murmured, just low enough for me to hear as I made eye contact with my dad.

For some reason her words had more impact than any had before. I felt like I deserved it, that I was finally doing something the old Edward would have done, that maybe he wasn't as lost as we all thought he was.

There was no doubt in my mind that it was all down to her, and as I watched Carlisle smile softly at her, I thanked God for sending her to us, and hoped that maybe she try and fix us all.


Author's Chapter End Notes:

Soooo, let me know what you think? Hit that little review button at the bottom :)

Also, my other fic, Royal Duty, was recently nomm'd over at the Lemonade Stand for fic of the week, so if you want something new to read, give it a lookie :)

To those of you who've been with me a few years now, you'll know that summer means lots of writing and *hopefully* plenty more updates with a lot less wait in between.

I've just finished my 2nd year of uni - except a few exams at the end of the month - and I'm looking forward to getting back into the swing of writing :)

Don't forget, as always, you can follow me on twitter - SarahhhhhhJane - or subscribe to e-mail updates on my blog - liveindakota . blogspot . com - for all my teasers :)

Apologies for the massive ANs this chapter, but thank you for reading!

Sarah xx