Jim materialised in the corridor outside Gillian and Spock's apartment. He commanded the door to open and it did. He breathed a relieved sigh, she hadn't locked him out. He entered the living room, flicking his gaze over the large picture window which overlooked the Bay. The balcony, Gillian's preferred place to work was empty, as was the kitchen. He rapped his knuckles on the office door, calling her name but got no answer, nor was she inside so he peeked into the empty third bedroom which was to have been the nursery.
He vacillated over whether to enter the main bedroom, Spock would hate it, but he was on a time limit. Gillian made the decision for him when she appeared in the bathroom doorway.
She wore a loose smock dress which cupped her breasts instead of her preferred jeans. Locks of hair were tucked behind her ears instead of bound up and her eyes were red from crying with dark circles beneath. Good, there was hope yet.
"Jim, what are you doing here?" she asked, casting a glance around the room. Looking for Spock, Jim hoped.
"Spock says you two have separated," Jim said. "So, tell me, what the hell? And what do I have to do to get you two back together?"
She ignored his question. "Isn't the Enterprise leaving today?"
"Yes, but they won't leave without me." He admitted, "Though my service record will look better if I'm not late." It was four hours until departure and there were a million things he should be doing to prepare. "Spock's been moping around the ship all day. It took me this long to get it out of him." He waited for her to ask why Spock was on the ship when he was now an Ambassador but she wasn't curious at all, she must already know.
He extended his hand to touch her bare arm but missed, she had stepped back. It surprised him, she was more careful about physical contact now, since Spock had told her how much he hated it, sorry, how it was disagreeable for a Vulcan to see another male touch his woman, but not to this extent. A faint smell tickled at his nostrils as he stepped into the space she had just occupied. She parted her lips to speak but he cut her off as the clues tumbled into place. "You're pregnant again, aren't you?"
The lie crossed her face before she started her denial. "I can smell vomit, you're wearing one of your maternity dresses…" Her nipples were more prominent, but he substituted "You have that pregnant glow."
She nodded, her head tilted back in an unspoken challenge.
"You haven't told Spock, then?"
She shook her head. "I tried," she said. "But I brought the subject up and we had an argument instead. He doesn't want me to get pregnant again." She looked downcast and Jim drew her into a gentle side hug and rested his chin on her head.
"So just call and tell him," he suggested. She set her jaw and Jim knew he was in for an uphill battle. He could just tell Spock himself, he thought, but then reconsidered. He had seen how stressed Spock had been last time Gillian was pregnant, even before what had happened. Gillian had managed to slip the first few months of this pregnancy past him and it wasn't the worst idea she'd ever had. The negotiations with Gorkon might take a month, maybe he would tell Spock after. In the meantime, they could reconcile over the comm network.
"You planned this, didn't you?" It was rhetorical question, he had read Gillian's plan to up her odds of a successful pregnancy with careful selection of both ova and sperm before manipulating the resulting embryo. She wouldn't be stupid or careless enough to have an accidental pregnancy.
"Of course I did. Rule of thumb is to rest as long as the pregnancy lasted before getting pregnant again. The doctor released me after six months." She pulled away and looked up at him as though daring him to criticise her choice.
"I'm starving," he said, moving out to the stasis unit in the kitchen, Gillian following. If he hadn't already known of her pregnancy, the contents of the unit would have been a giveaway. The two bottom shelves were stocked with ham, sliced bread and of course, Cajun chicken nuggets, although he was surprised she could stomach any of them anymore. Tucked in behind that was the probiotic pregnancy supplement she had to drink every day. A decorated cake covered with dark blue roses took up most of the top shelf but he noted the loaf of sultana bread tucked in beside a pan of lasagne on the shelf below. Gillian had prepared a celebratory meal for her announcement. He grabbed for the lasagne but Gillian interrupted. "You might as well have the cake, it's not like Spock likes it anyway." With a quick glance over his shoulder, he took out the cake and prepared two trays with napkins, cutlery and rose buds which he nipped from the bushes in one of the blue pottery vessels scattered around the room. He grimaced when all he could find was water and sparkling apple juice but he poured two wine glasses full of the juice and carried the meal out onto the balcony and set the wrought iron table for two. The iron was hot so he dropped two cushions onto the seats.
Gillian had vanished into the bathroom again and emerged wearing a nicer dress with her hair pulled back into a twist and secured with an antique hair stick Hikaru had given her. Her breath, when she sat across from him was minty. He offered the apple juice in a toast. "Congratulations on your impending motherhood." It was the same toast he had given last time but he meant it.
She smiled, which surprised him, and said the same thing she had announced last time, although she had spoken first then. "We have an announcement to make. We're going to have a baby." Her voice cracked on the last word and he could hear the tears in her voice. He leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek, trying to make her feel his confidence "It will be all right this time," he whispered into her ear. Then he dug into the cake, which was delicious, light and moist. She picked at the cake, telling him the baby was a boy this time and telling him the due date, based on the human gestation period.
"You think it will be a nine month pregnancy?" he asked and regretted it when he eyes filled with tears. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean…" She pressed her hands over her mouth, stifling her sobs and rushed to the bathroom. Jim hovered, feeling useless. He could hear her dry retching but didn't know whether to join her for emotional support or wait outside.
She emerged from the bathroom and collapsed against him, limp and crying. He lifted her and carried her to the main bedroom, laying her facing him on the red bedspread and taking Spock's side, closer to the door. He removed the hair stick, dropping it on the bedside table and smoothed out her hair. "What is it?" he asked. Gillian had been a little moody during her previous pregnancy but not like this. He could feel his own gut churning as it had been for the last few days. He had thought it was Spock but being near Gillian had worsened it. Stress and worry radiated from her. It had eased a little during their meal but now it was back worse than before. He cursed his own wordiness but thought it was something more. He rubbed his hand over her back, feeling the tight muscles.
"You can tell me anything. I promise I won't tell Spock." When she spoke, her voice was so low as to be almost inaudible. "I stuffed up." His mind whirled with possibilities. He hoped she wasn't going to confess anything he would feel compelled to tell Spock. "I had some other embryos, the rejects. I didn't want to just toss them out, so I put one or two in every cycle. They just didn't work, I didn't get pregnant. Except for this time."
"You're having twins?" he asked to prompt her when she fell silent. She wouldn't be this upset if she were going to have twins with no problems. Twins were rare in Vulcans he remembered but couldn't remember why. "Maybe," she continued, morose. "I'm better at hybridology than I was. Everything I know says the foetus wouldn't survive but it did. The uterine environment seems to have triggered dormant epigenetic markers and activated genetic changes on the haemoglobin. Then I tinkered a little. I mean, Dr Chu did the procedure, but to my recommendations. And he's coming along now, he's caught up to the other one in growth."
"What's the problem?" he prompted.
She sighed. "Vulcans don't have twins often. Sometimes they have identical ones, but not fraternal, because their immune systems attack each other. It makes sense when you consider multiple ovulations must occur during pon farr to produce such a high pregnancy rate but then the mother's body must absorb the extras. So now I have two babies, both of which would have a good chance of success if I was pregnant with just one, but they're going to give me problems if I keep both of them." He frowned, that was not good. "What are you going to do?"
"I don't know," she whispered. "I want to have a healthy baby, but I don't want to have to kill my own child to do it. Just the thought of it makes me feel sick." It didn't do a lot for Jim's mental health either.
"They're both viable?" he asked. She hesitated, but nodded. "Seventy-two per cent chance for the second one, according to the doctors, the ones that don't insist the baby shouldn't be living despite the evidence to the contrary." Her wide blue eyes stared up at him, asking for his advice without words.
"I always ask Spock and McCoy for their opinions first. Then I pick the third option." He laced his fingers through hers and squeezed.
She twisted her lips in a faint smile. "I don't need to ask. Spock would say it was logical to terminate the second foetus. McCoy would say not to. What's the third option, a surrogate mother? It's a bit late at this stage." He opened his mouth to urge the former choice on her. Take the guaranteed success, don't put Spock, or yourself through the same thing as last time. He opened his mouth and the words that came out were "I have faith in you. You can save them both." He hadn't meant to say that, surely the certainty of a live birth was the more prudent way to go. Then again, when had he ever taken the prudent path through life? When had she?
"I want to make it up to him after last time," she said, her voice muffled against his shoulder. "I can't fail again."
"It wasn't your fault," he assured her. It had been a tragic accident, not like David's death, which had been because of his failure.
"Of course it was. I rang work. Why didn't I call for an ambulance while I was up? I didn't even have to be up. I could have told the computer to ring from bed. I'm so stupid." Jim knew Spock blamed himself but hadn't realised that Gillian did too. He tried to take advantage of her guilt.
"If I wait until we break orbit, can I tell Spock you're sorry and you want him back?"
She frowned, wrinkling her nose in a cute fashion. Stop it, he chided himself. "He's gotten into my bad books. You should have heard him."
"What did he say?" He tried to guess but couldn't think of anything. Spock appeared to follow his father's example of worshipping the ground his wife walked on whilst attempting to at least look like he was bossing her around.
"He forbade me to get pregnant again. Stood in the living room looming over me and said I forbid you," she forced the words through gritted teeth. Jim could feel the anger rising up inside her. When he wasn't touching her, it was rare for him to receive much, he was connected to her through Spock and Spock controlled the bond.
Oops, though Jim, bad move. Begging would have been wiser. She sounded enraged but not angry enough to end the marriage. Spock wouldn't be sleeping on the couch for too many nights if he was home and played his cards right. Not that he would. "Well he's okay now," he reassured her. "His injuries have healed quite well. You can hardly tell." She laughed, turning her face into his chest in an effort to stifle the sound. "You scared him a lot, last year," he reminded her. "You came close to dying." She'd scared the hell out of him, too.
"I don't remember," she said. "I remember feeling tired, too tired to get up to go to the bathroom. Again. I must have napped on and off all day, I didn't realise it was night until I woke in the hospital. With Vulcan doctors telling me the baby was dead and did I wish to have a vaginal birth or have a caesarean. It was surreal, like a dream, a nightmare. Then Amanda turned up and she was crying and she hugged me. I saw the tears run down her face and then I knew it was real." Her harsh breathing echoed in the silence of the room. "They'd healed the placental separation and since I was already dilated, I had the baby. It didn't take long, twelve minutes."
Jim couldn't think of anything to say to heal her pain. David's death was still an open wound, hers must be raw too. He rubbed her back to comfort her and the pain in his gut eased. She relaxed towards sleep. "I've never told anyone before," she mumbled.
Not even Spock? He thought, but did not ask. She answered anyway. "It upsets him to talk about it. He says it is illogical to dwell on what can't be changed."
"So tell me all about your job," she said. "It must be exciting, one last unexpected mission before the end. They asked for you over everyone else." Spock had asked for him over everyone else and had been shocked at his response. He hesitated. "I'm not looking forward to it," he confessed. "They've been my enemies for so long, I don't know if I can make the changeover." He kept talking, unburdening himself and receiving her sleepy replies until they no longer came. She snuggled into him and he closed his eyes and rested his head on the pillow, her head curled in beneath his. He was, for once in his life, content.
"You're a good friend," she said, dragging him up from a light sleep. "So, I better not make you late."
He grinned, feeling better than he had all week. He had thought Spock was the source of his distress, it was unusual to feel anything negative from Gillian. "It was nothing," he assured her standing and brushing his uniform down.
"No, she said, sitting up on her elbow. "It means everything to me. I know you came here for Spock..."
"That's not true," he protested. "Not just for Spock."
"…but it means a lot to me that you listened." She relaxed onto her pillow again and covered a yawn. He smiled at her. "Trouble sleeping?" She nodded and closed her eyes.
"I'll lock up after myself. Have a nap, you need it. I'll keep Spock away as long as I can. And make him call you. So you can take him back." She hadn't promised to do that but he had found in his life that acting as though something would happen often meant that it would.
He walked around the bed to the mirror and checked his appearance, smoothing his hair. It wouldn't do to look like he'd been having a nap when he arrived on the Enterprise. He cast a glance at Gillian, fast asleep and slid the cupboard open, taking out a soft purple blanket which he laid over her. He eased off her shoes, dropping them on the floor and tucking her feet in.
On his way out, he liberated the last two slices of layered chocolate cheesecake from the stasis unit. Gillian couldn't eat chocolate while she was pregnant and Spock wouldn't know what it was if he sealed it well. Materialising on the transporter pad, he handed it to an Ensign with orders to take it to his quarters. He ignored the questioning looks and took his seat on the bridge, amidst the controlled chaos. Spock turned at his late entrance and raised an eyebrow at him so he sent him a bland smile in return. Okay, it might have been a bit smirk like.
