Chapter 42

I'd always wondered if it was possible to measure the amount of bravery contained within a person; and though I had yet to find the answer to that question, I did find out just how our fears were calculated and represented. Seven. That was the number of fears I had; each a worse than the last.

Four days had passed since Amar had discovered the secret of my divergence, and in that time I'd already experienced each fear at least three times. I'd had to endure my first two fears all over again; being buried alive in the coffin, and being hung from the ceiling by the shadowy figures.

Along with those, I had also been suspended from my hands over a long metal cylinder filled with bubbling acid. I'd been slowly lowered; this time watched by a group of the dauntless initiates. The only thing that had drowned out my screams had been their uproarious laughter. Death came when the acid was up to my chest. By then my legs had been completely mutilated; with the meat falling off the bone in large chunks, and my feet nothing more than stubs.

In another simulation Max and, surprisingly, Jack Kang had skinned me alive. Strapped down to a metallic operating table; my arms and legs had been first, and then they'd ripped the skin off of my belly in a single yank, leaving behind exposed muscles that twitched, and angrily torn viscera. I died noiselessly when they cut out my larynx. No, not noiselessly, just wordless; because in my head I'd been screaming bloody-murder the entire time.

During another, I'd been standing on the roof of a two story building, when suddenly invisible hands grabbed me and shoved me off the ledge. When I'd land on the ground, my head bouncing off the cement and my bones cracking and crunching, I'd had exactly a second to process what had happened before the invisible hands again threw me off. With each fall, my body shattered even further, until I was nothing more than a morbid version of a raggedy doll. I was dropped me more than a dozen times before I died.

I had a tough time with those simulations; mostly based on the fact that the only way I could manage to stay in the hallucination long enough to avoid suspicion was do just let myself die. Whenever I tried to stop the sim, either with a tool or a tactic, I'd end up getting out too fast and would end up having to go through the experience all over again.

While others only had to go through their fears once a day, I was going through at least three in the time I was allotted; not stopping until Amar deemed that I'd gotten an acceptable time. It had started to take a toll on me; nightmares plagued my sleep, and there were times I'd notice someone looking at me and I'd have to wonder if they weren't about to do something sinister.

I knew if I could only manage to stay in the first hallucination long enough, I wouldn't have to do the others so often. There were times I just couldn't help myself though. Once, I hadn't even been in the simulation long enough to know what fear I'd been about to face; I'd just closed my eyes and willed myself to wake back up before anything happened. Amar had been less than pleased.

"Are you insane? Huh?" He had seethed. "Do you like to die? Is that it?"

"No, of course not."

"Then stop getting out so damned fast!" He'd shaken my shoulders, his eyes desperate."Do you think I like having to watch you die over and over again?"

"I'm trying."

And try I did; slowly learning to numb myself to the pain. However, though those fears were certainly bad, excruciating, and all around scarring to my psyche, they were nothing compared to the last two. Oddly enough, it was in these two that I never had to die.

In one, I would be standing in a dark room, a single spotlight on me. Everything would be normal, but then as I'd begin to walk, I'd come across a full-length mirror ornately decorated with bronzed snakes on the frame. The real horror was when it came time to look at my reflection; because as I stood before the mirror, there was a reflection, but I didn't want to believe it was mine.

The Sage that stared back was like a morbidly sinister version of myself; his eyes narrowed and predatory, teeth bared into a wicked snarl, hands dripping with the blood of some unknown victim. The more I'd stare at my reflection, the more it unnerved me. It was when I couldn't bear another minute of staring at the monster, that I'd kick the mirror, sending shards of glass skittering across the floor. The bronze snakes would come alive then, but rather than attack me, they'd slither up my legs and fuse with my skin. I didn't die; I just became that which I hated.

The last of my fears was one that I'd somehow always known would appear, but had still hoped it wouldn't. I'd wake up, my surroundings suggesting that I was still in the dauntless compound, and as I looked around my eyes would inevitably find the victim; someone I loved. Oftentimes it was my mother, and other times it would be Mara or Dan, the result never changed though.

A figure would appear out of the corner of my eye, a gun in hand, and as he'd start to aim his weapon I'd try to move. I never understood why he wanted to kill them, all I could think was that it wasn't fair; why should they die when they'd done nothing wrong, when they were innocent and scared and completely helpless? It was at that point that I'd realize I was shackled to the floor and unable to free myself. No matter how much I yelled, taunted, or begged the person to take my life instead, it always ended the same way. A bullet in the forehead, pieces of their soft brains splattered all over the floor.

Though I absolutely hated going through the simulations where I was tortured and left to die, I would've rather done them over and over if it meant never having to face the last two. My mind eventually figured out that none of these deaths were permanent. Now, when the moment came, though it was still terrible, I endured it better. I screamed less, I approached it with a greater calm. If it wasn't for the time constraint I'd have even sped up the process.

I could manage my own pain; I could ignore it well enough, but to be unable to do anything for my family was horrendous. My family. I knew it wasn't real, but while in the hallucination, the grief I felt was nearly enough to have me on my knees and sobbing. And the mirror, oh the mirror, I hated that one to the point that when it came time to shower or go to the restroom, I refused to look at my reflection; fearing that my nightmare would somehow leap into reality.

Today, that had been the second simulation I'd gone through. I could still see the snakes melding into my skin. I knew what that fear represented; it was something I'd always thought but had never voiced when I'd made the decision to join dauntless.

There was so much cruelty, so much violence, and I couldn't help but wonder if it was this kind of environment that had helped form people like Max. And if that was the case, did it mean that it would eventually happen to me? Perhaps. Evil attracted evil, and even when I tried to run from the snakes, which I was sure represented wickedness, they'd always catch up and merge with my body.

Absently, I ran my hands along my arms, as if I could somehow brush off the memory. I'd taken to hiding out in the chasm after the fear simulations; somehow the sound of the rushing water helped to soothe my frayed nerves.

"Cold?" a voice asked over the babble of the stream.

"Dan," I answered; not needing to turn around to know it was him. "No, just- you know, needed to think."

Dan nodded, and plopped down next to me, a grimace of his own still stuck to his features; I wasn't the only one who was beginning to show the signs of the wear and tear of our mental training. With one exception, all of the other initiates were beginning to feel the toll.

Grace would scream every night, thrashing and kicking blankets as she'd try to fight away the monsters in her dreams. Billy was constantly flinching at the sound of loud noises, though he tried to hide it, and his lackeys Howard and Samantha had taken to avoiding any area without a light source. I didn't see him often, but I'd also heard it mentioned that Marko was now always equipped with a pair of brass knuckles, no matter where he went. Even Finn, Biff, and Jude weren't as cheerful and mischievous as they normally tended to be.

Randi didn't say anything, but I could tell by the way her nails were chewed down to the beds of her fingers that she wasn't okay. Either because she'd forgotten her promise to be open with me, or simply because she preferred to be comforted by Ava; but I'd come to realize that she seemed to go out of her way to avoid me. A part of me was worried, while another was furious, but exhaustion beat the two. I wasn't mentally prepared for that upcoming argument, and so I decided I'd just wait I was feeling more lively to begin that talk.

Dan, surprisingly, was rather good at hiding his symptoms; mostly he just seemed tired, since he rarely slept a full night. It was usually he or I that comforted Grace when she couldn't stop sobbing. I knew he had fears; I could see him get visibly anxious just before it was his turn to go into the room, and then he'd always exit looking as pale as a ghost. But somehow, he always eventually bounced back.

No, Dan wouldn't and couldn't have hidden anything, not even if he'd tried. Rather, I suspected that his easygoing personality was what helped him brush his apprehension away. That, and that he, unlike most of us, was completely honest all the time. He didn't have any secrets to hide, and so he had less of a burden. I, on the other hand, would forever have to deal with the weight of my secret.

"Still no Randi?" Dan mused after we'd sat together in silence for a while.

"No."

"That's weird," he added; raising a brow in my direction. So even he'd noticed. "I thought you two would be all-" he began to pantomime kissing another person; wrapping his arms around himself and making loud smooching noises.

I couldn't help it, I laughed. "Shut up," I said; reaching over to mess up his hair. "But yeah, it is weird."

"Why don't you go look for her then?"

I shrugged. "I've tried, but whenever I do find her she always makes up some excuse to leave," I frowned; I could always tell when she really had something to do and when she was lying. "Anyway, I figured I'd talk to her later, when we're both not so on edge."

"That may be the smartest thing I've heard you say this week," Dan smirked.

"What?" I asked in surprise.

"Okay, maybe the second smartest. First would definitely have to be when you suggested we sneak down to the cafeteria and nab some dauntless cake for a midnight snack. Certainly cheered up Grace, and you know I never say no to cake."

"That's not what I was surprised about," I rolled my eyes. "I meant why do you think it's a good idea that I wait to talk to Randi? I figured you, of all people, would be rooting me on and telling me to find out the truth."

"Oh, I still think you should find out what she's hiding," Dan quickly answered, but then he smirked again and shrugged. "I don't know man, it's just that you and her are so alike –too alike, really– you both have explosive tempers sometimes, and I just don't think right now is a good time for a spat between you two. Waiting is smart."

"Wow," I found myself nodding. "That was very sound advice. Thanks."

Dan grinned impishly and then clapped me on the back. "What can I say, I am a very wise man, filled with ancient logics," he tapped his head and then waggled his eyebrows, "just call me , the love maestro."

I broke down; I could not have kept my composure if I'd tried. The eyebrows were what had really gotten me. I laughed, and even let out a snort. It was just so funny, and a nice relief from my previously dark thoughts.

"Yes sir'ee, I got my degree and everything," Dan continued, hamming it up as he pretended to hook his thumbs around invisible suspenders. "Bachelor's degree in the art of relationships, and a Masters specialized in makin' it work."

"You're too much," I said as I clutched at my stomach.

"Pshh, whatever man, there's never such a thing as too much Dan."

"What are you two laughing about?" I heard a voice say from behind us. Grace; I recognized her dancer-esque footsteps.

"Nothin' just teaching my bro some old trick of the trade," Dan said.

"Haha, wow, look at you two gossiping," Grace teased, "well if you hens are done clucking, there's something I came to tell you."

"Why Ms. Willows, I resent being compared to poultry," Dan pouted. "If you had to choose a bird, you could've at least picked a cool one."

"Right," I agreed; attempting to look serious, "like an emu or something."

"Or an ostrich!" Dan chimed in.

"Oh wow," Grace chuckled. "How do you two even know about those animals?"

"You'd be surprised how non-slacker-y we were in school," Dan quipped. "We didn't get good grades just because of our devilishly good looks you know."

"God, stop!" she laughed, shaking her head at us. "Don't distract me. What I was coming to tell you is that Amar is about to put up the rankings for stage two."

"But I thought there weren't going to be any cuts during stage two," I frowned.

"Oh, there isn't, it's just sort of a progress report so we can see where we're at," Grace explained.

"Well then what are we waiting for?" I said; jumping to my feet and pulling Dan and Grace along with me as I head to our dorm. "Let's go."

"Why so eager?" Dan asked as he jogged to keep up.

"Just curious," I said. It wasn't a lie; but admittedly, it wasn't the whole truth.

I'd gone through hell these past few days, and what I really wanted to see was if my efforts had paid off. If I'd done well enough to get a good rank, but not so much that Max or any of the other dauntless leaders would notice.

I had to see if I'd done enough to live another day.