Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters.
A/N: Thanks to Nitaro48, who beta this story.
Chapter Fifty-One
Working Through Anger
Hermione spent the rest of the day avoiding Ron, and Harry too because he was always with him, as she thought about everything. She knew from experience that Ron didn't like it when she didn't speak to him, and she was happy about this side-effect of her trying to figure out what to do. That's why she spent the whole day not saying a thing to anyone, not even when she could feel Ron's eyes on her, trying to beg her to forgive him. She even volunteered for the first watch by just walking out of the tent (she heard Harry chuckling at her behavior).
When she was done with the watch, however, she had a dilemma. She had already woke up Harry and told him to take over for her and she was now staring at Ron contemplating which bunk she should go in. She knew there was no sleep waiting for her in the top bunk, but she was still angry at Ron and she didn't want to appear weak by going to him now. When she looked at his face she noticed that he was watching her, looking so forlorn that she was crawling into the bed before she knew what she was doing, and she was burying her head in his chest.
"Mione," Ron said in a confused but pleased voice.
Hermione looked up so she was looking in Ron's eyes and she glared at him."Just shut up Ron."
His expression was now completely confused and she felt her anger loosen as she watched him struggle to figure out what was going on here. She rested her head on his chest again so he couldn't see her expression. She didn't move for a long time as she listened to the pounding of his heart in his chest. It was the most wondrous sound she had ever heard. Its rhythmic beating was lulling her to sleep as she felt her body relax. She could tell that Ron was still confused about what was happening, what he was supposed to do, because he wasn't holding her like he use to. His arms had hung over her for a several minutes before he rested them at his sides.
Somehow, she found this to be sadder than anything else. She hated that they were uncomfortable with each other and even thought she knew it was her fault they were that way, she still didn't like it. Ron was trying to appease her, respect that she was angry with him and not push her. Argh, she hated that he was so perfect that she couldn't stay angry with him. Tears of frustration mixed with tears of relief of finally being in Ron's arms again and regret that things weren't as they were before.
"Mione," Ron sighed and that's when she noticed that his shirt was now wet from her silent tears. His arms went around her automatically and her whole body relaxed into his grip. "I'm sorry Mione, I'm so sorry," he said softly, one of his hands playing with her hair, a habit he had picked up over the last few months they had been sleeping in the same bed.
"Shut up Ron," Hermione repeated in a stuffy voice. She could feel his arms pull away and she whispered, "Don't."
Ron was still, but she could feel that he was stiff. He was definitely confused about what he was supposed to do.
Hermione leaned up to look at Ron again, this time letting him see her venerability, "I didn't sleep... I can't... please just hold me."
"Okay," Ron said, his expression was no longer confused, but sad and guilty. He held her tightly as she rested her head back on his chest and he brought up a hand to stroke her hair mindlessly.
Hermione listened to his strong heartbeat again and whispered, "I didn't think I would be able to hear this again."
"What?" Ron questioned softly.
"Your heartbeat... I thought that we would never see each other again," Hermione confessed and they both tensed as they thought of that. "I knew nothing had happened to you when you were gone... I would have felt it if it had..."
"I thought the same thing," Ron sighed, "it was the only thought that keep me going."
"Hm..." Hermione agreed. "I didn't think you could find us... and with everything that we're trying to do... I thought..."
"Sh..." Ron interrupted, but he knew she was going to say that she thought she would have gotten captured or killed before they had a chance to meet again. "I'm here now."
"Hm..." Hermione hummed in his chest and then closed her eyes, drifting into sleep minutes later.
O
She slept peacefully for the first time since Ron had left until Harry woke up Ron so that he could take over the watch. She turned on her side after Ron had disentangled himself from her in hopes that she could continue to sleep, but she felt the familiar nightmares trying to invade her. She needed to hear the reassuring sound of Ron's heart beating, feel his warm arms around her for her to know that he was really there or she wouldn't be able to close her eyes. Still, it was nice that she got some sleep, her body felt refreshed and yet she was also angrier than she was before. She hated that she was so dependent on Ron; she hated how weak that made her feel.
That was why when everyone was eating breakfast, she was still silent. She could see that Ron was upset about her silence and knew they were going to have to have a conversation soon. She was going to have to get this all off her chest. Ron seemed to get more annoyed the longer she took and eventually he started to employ his old tactic... he tried to annoy the hell out of her to get her to say something and when that didn't work he started to sulk.
Ron had decided to take the first watch this time, and stalked out of the tent in a foul mood.
"I wish you could give him a break," Harry sighed as he watched his friend leave.
"So do I," Hermione sighed too.
Harry's expression softened when he looked over at her and he wrapped a supporting arm around her. "You know, talking to him might help… unless you're trying to torture him."
"I'll talk to him tomorrow," Hermione said rolling her eyes.
"Good," Harry said and then climbed into the top bunk. "Goodnight Mione."
"Goodnight," Hermione said, going into her bunk too, but she didn't even bother trying to sleep. She took out the book that Dumbledore had given her and tried again to make sense of the all that she had gathered from it. She worked on this until her concentration started to wonder, and she was forced to put the book away. She made herself more comfortable in the bed just listening to Harry's light snoring and she could feel her eyes start to close but she was too wary of what she might dream to let herself sleep.
It was around that time that Ron came in and woke Harry to take over the watch, it was predetermined that he would take the second watch. She watched Ron as he looked towards the direction of the mouth of the tent and then turned back to the beds. He seemed to be hesitant about what he should do and with an expression she couldn't read, he moved towards the step to the top bunk. Hurt by his decision and feeling the pain of rejection fill her, she turned to the wall and curled into a ball.
She felt his arms around her only seconds later and she turned so she could rest against his chest again. His arms tightened around her when she started to cling to him.
"I thought you were sleeping," he whispered in her ear several minutes later. "You were so still... and I didn't want to wake you..."
"I can't sleep without you," Hermione mumbled. "Why didn't you look at my face, you would have..?"
"I... I don't know," Ron said, his voice had an edge to it and she didn't know what it meant.
Hermione sat up slightly so she could look Ron in the eyes, "I know I've been confusing you lately... and I'm sorry I haven't been talking to you... I just didn't know what to say..."
"Anything would be better than nothing," Ron said a little stiffly. "You know very well I can't stand when you don't talk to me."
"Yes, I do know that," Hermione said stiffly, too.
He looked away from her, "Get some sleep, Mione."
Hermione sighed, and used a hand to force him to look at her. "I love you, Ronald..."
Ron's expression lightened considerably as soon as the words left her mouth and soon he was smiling.
"I don't think I said that since you've come back," Hermione continued, knowing that she hadn't.
"I love you, Hermione." he said with the intense look in his eyes he always had when he said that. It affected her just like it always had; she felt her insides melt as she leaned down to kiss him. They kissed like this until she realized that if they continued things would go farther than she wanted at the moment. She pulled away from him and she could feel him groan in protest more than hear him.
"We have to talk, Mione," Ron said as her head rested on his chest. "I can't take another day of fighting with you... if that's what we're doing..."
"We'll talk in the morning," Hermione mumbled, and she was asleep before she heard his response.
It seemed like only moments later that Harry was shaking her awake and she was trying to disentangle herself from Ron. She was only outside for a minute before Ron joined her. "What are you doing?" she asked, surprised that she would be this annoyed by his presence.
"I can't sleep without you either, Mione," Ron said simply. "I figured the sooner we talk the sooner I can feel like myself again."
"Okay," Hermione nodded her head, realizing now that she was annoyed because she thought that Ron was trying to keep an eye on her... like he didn't think she could handle herself. She pulled out a wand and cast a charm so the fight she was expecting to happen wouldn't disturb Harry.
"Er..." Ron said after a long pause. "So why are you so angry with me?"
Hermione glowered at him. "Are you telling me you can't guess why I would be angry with you?"
"I didn't mean it like that," Ron said, cowering from her expression. "I was... I just wanted to start..."
"Then tell me please Ron… why am I so angry?" Hermione asked hotly.
"Because I stunned you..." Ron started to say.
"That's not the only reason," Hermione said through gritted teeth.
"I know that! I was just starting from the beginning," Ron hissed back and then took a deep breath. "Look... I don't want to yell... I don't want to fight! I know we have to talk about this, but can we try to keep things... civil."
"That's not bloody likely," Hermione sighed hotly and Ron groaned it wasn't good if Hermione swore. "But I don't want to fight either... I'll try."
Ron nodded his head, "Then I think it's best if you tell me why you're angry... I don't want to put words in your mouth..."
"Fine," Hermione said as she glared at him. "Why did you stun me Ron?"
"I had to... I didn't have time to argue with you!" Ron said. "My plan would only have worked if I left then... and..." he hesitated and he knew he couldn't lie now. "I knew you would never have just let me leave."
"No... I wouldn't have," Hermione agreed coldly. "So, are you just going to curse me every time you know I'm not going to agree with you?"
"Don't be ridiculous Hermione!" Ron scoffed. "This was just... I knew... if we were trapped in that corner we weren't going to get out of that alley!"
"No Ron, you don't know that," Hermione disagreed this time. "I grant you that it would have been difficult, but you don't know what would have happened."
Ron rolled his eyes but stopped himself from arguing anymore. "I wasn't going to let you get hurt."
"Well then you didn't succeed, Ronald!" Hermione gave a humorless laugh. "You don't think it hurts being stunned by your loved one... you don't think it hurts when you left me like that!"
"I didn't leave you!" Ron snapped, unable to stop his anger. "I was trying to protect you!"
"I don't need you to protect me!" Hermione said hotly. "I'm not some fragile little girl that needs someone looking after her at all hours of the day!"
"I never said you were!" Ron said looking at her incredulously. "Damn it Mione, I know better than anyone else how strong you are... I never thought that!"
"Maybe not, but you still like to act like the knight in shinny armor!" Hermione said, she was breathing heavily. "You forced me to watch Snape's office last year, and I told you then that I wasn't going to let you get away with giving me the easier tasks... I told you we would face things together next time. So what do you do? The first chance you get you run straight towards danger, all so you could play the hero, leaving me behind in your dust!"
"Hermione... er... that wasn't what I was doing," Ron said looking confused as Hermione seemed to be working herself into hysterics.
"You don't respect me," Hermione said softly this time, her voice was lacy with pain and insecurity, instead of anger and hostility. "Stunning me like that..."
"No," Ron moaned as he fell to the ground; how could she ever think that? He respected her more than anyone else; he believed that she could do anything. He couldn't stand the way she looked now; she was so small as she held herself, her face turned away from him as if she believed that she was weak. It was heartbreaking for him to see this. He got up then and wrapped his arms around her, and she stiffened in his grip.
"Don't..." Hermione said, trying to shake him off, but Ron tightened his grip.
"Mione, love, I know what you're capable of, that had nothing to do with my actions that day," Ron whispered and he felt her relax slightly. "I just... you know..." he continued, turning her so he could look into her eyes. "You're the most important thing in my life... if anything... ever happened to you... I won't... I couldn't... I couldn't live through that."
"And you think it's any different for me?" Hermione asked. "Ron, I love you... you're my future... If... if something... I..."
"Sh..." Ron said holding her tightly to him as tears came to her eyes. Ron felt his own tears flowing down his cheeks. "I know... I'm sorry."
"You can't do anything like this again Ron," Hermione said, her voice mumbled as she buried her face in his chest. "You can't leave just because you think it would save us from an attack."
"I know," Ron agreed, but Hermione wasn't so sure he was being completely honest. She was sure if he thought something was tactically sound for him to leave, he would do whatever it took to save them.
"Harry and I... we didn't..." Hermione started, not sure how to make herself clear. "We can't do this without you here. We work better together... I'm the brains, Harry's the soul... but Ron you're the heart... and without you, Harry and I just can't work."
"It's nice to know I'm needed," Ron smiled sadly. "Tactically at least..."
"You're needed for everything, Ronald," Hermione groaned into his chest.
Ron smiled brightly this time, "Are we good now, Mione? Please tell me we're done fighting."
"We're good," Hermione smiled back at him, and it wasn't long before Ron leaned down to capture her lips in a fierce kiss.
"Hem, hem," a sound came from behind Ron and Hermione and the both pointed their wands at it.
Harry chuckled as he watched his friends jump, "Well at least your ears are working, though you're not keeping a very good watch."
"Oh, sod off," Ron grumbled. "Can't you see I was busy? Besides Harry, now's not really the time to be doing a impression of toads... I just about cursed you with the worst spell I know."
"Sorry, mate," Harry chuckled harder. "I take this to mean that you two have kissed and made up."
"Yes," Ron and Hermione said together, both having a sickening smile on their face.
"Thank Merlin," Harry join them in their smile, before they all went back into the tent to prepare for the day.
