AN ...Once again thanks to you guys, you keep me going by taking time to read the craziness that goes on my head. I was just reflecting earlier today that this whole version on mine started with the what if question. I wanted to portray a Christian who learns to embrace his vulnerability. Chimbwido

Christian POV

I check my watch; I've been running for almost an hour and a half but I need more. I need to feel more pain, I need to punish myself and that seems the only way I can channel the conflicted emotions going through me right now. Jealousy, torment and just pure rage so I had to get away

We returned home in a sombre mood, dinner was a very quiet affair apart from Christopher who was oblivious to all that was going on. After dinner, I headed upstairs and the next thing I knew I was in sweat pants and t-shirt telling Ana I was going for an evening run, worry written all over her face but she didn't stop me.

I cannot recall the last time I felt the need to run, it was probably somewhere between meeting Ana and falling in love. Today if I can be honest I would like to just runaway, even for a few hours or days because I've never actually had to deal with this. The only way I've learned is no longer available to me and I sure as hell don't want to go back; but that is all I know. Punishment.

Rewind a few months there would have been no question as to what I would have done. With a simple phone call . I would have found someone to whip up to what they could take and then I would have fucked my frustrations out. Call it a diversion but it still served its purpose so I never needed to face my emotions head on. But there is no sub at hand and they are not needed either. The woman who awaits me is delicate, I know she won't break but when I touch her it is for her and much as it about me so I will punish myself. Guilt courses through me for even allowing my thoughts to even go down that road so until my body gives in I will not stop.

Soon as I get back in I head for the gym in the basement, my legs may be spent but my upper body has done fuck all, the sweat pours, I can even taste it but we have a long way to go . Gloves on I approach the punch bag with determination because I cannot stop these thoughts that wrestle in my head.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck, the punch bag echoes with each blow I deliver

I had to restrain myself, my instincts were to take control of the situation, give that woman a place to live, deposit money in her bank so she would never want for anything and no bullshit system would be a hindrance to her while she cares for her son. Just like that I could have solved all her problems. She is trying to feed her son, provide for him and work two fucking jobs. But SHE never tried for me, all that SHE seemed to care about was the next fix and I sat there like everyone else watching as her drama unfolded and another layer of dignity peeled away from her.

Something needs to be done, this should not be happening. All the system does is issue threats and when threatened that's when you tend to fuck up. When threatened, that's when it seems a good idea to sell your body while your child hides in the corner of a room with his little hands covering his ears so as not hear the sounds he cannot interpret.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck, the punch bag continues to echo the blows which are weakening, I cannot go on anymore. Eventually, I collapse to the floor, spent, my clothes soaked hopefully by the time I shower I will be afforded a bit of mercy so my body can l shut down even for a few hours . The guilt refuses to shift like a rancid cocktail stuck in my throat, maybe I'm just being too hard on myself as Flynn says.

I hope everyone is sleeping when I head upstairs. I stop and listen outside Christopher's bedroom door, I know he is fast asleep but I cannot help it. Before I can talk myself out if I'm his room watching him sleep, even though the lights are dimmed I can see his face. I move close to him kneeling by his bed. I don't want to wake him up but my fingers cannot help but run through locks of hair . He stirs a little, I know I'm sweaty and I smell

"Listen young man." I whisper to him

"I am never going to let you down ….do your hear that ..." I pause as he will give me a yes in his dreams , somehow I know he has understood " I will protect you and love you with everything that I have in me and more." I swallow hard attempting to dislodge the lump that's on my throat but it hardly shifts. I smile and continue

" you know you were never on the cards. See ...I ...never thought I was cut for this ... didn't think I had it in me to be take on such a huge responsibility and there you were and I had no choice. And you have thank Ana ... " I lower my voice even more just in case someone's listening in . " I need a favour from you big guy.. if start calling her mummy then I'm sure we can get a date for this wedding .. I know you have a mummy already but some people have more than one mummy which means ... they get extra hugs and kisses okay. I ...I know I will mess up because it's all new to me but I'll do my best and feel free to kick me in the nuts when I do." I let out a little laugh

"Please don't tell Ana I said a naughty word. " I plant a kiss on his forehead and adjust the covers and exit his room somehow feeling lighter .

My silent prayer for Ana to be fast asleep goes unanswered as the jasmine infused air hit my nostrils unexpectedly; she is in the bath. I feel like running away, I don't want to face her, not now, I need a little bit more time. The bathroom door is ajar, resisting the temptation to take a peek and before I can come to any decision she calls for me so softly, it's almost a whisper

"Hey ." I stand at the door, hesitant

"Are you going to stand there gawking at me? Come on in."

My heart starts to accelerate, every time we're naked it only ends in one way but today I cannot trust myself to be gentle. I'm like a recovering alcoholic who has stumbled into a liquor store and for some reason, the door shut behind him so the end seems inevitable. Maybe I take only a sip.

"Ana I'm sweaty and filthy I was planning on taking a shower when you are done." I chose my words as carefully as possible

She looks at me and holds my gaze for a brief moment telling me that she knows something is off

"That's why there is all water to wash the so-called filth away. Come on it's relaxing ."

The next thing I know I'm stripping off my clothes I feel a slight tremor inside me. I take a deep breath and take my space behind her. She immediately rests her head on my chest and I realise just how perfectly we fit together. Does she even know what she is doing to me. I close my eyes momentary allowing my burning muscles soak in the hot water feeling some of the tension disappear. I don't want to touch her, no, of course, I want to touch her but I'm afraid how it will end . She is not helping me when she brings my hand to her breast and I know what she wants. My hands cover her breasts and I gently start to work on them. My punishment will be that I won't be able to seek my release, I can give her what she needs but I will have to deny myself until I know I can trust me.

We sit in silence, unsure of what to say,

"Talk to me Christian," she beckons me when the silence has stretched longer

"What do you want to say, Ana. I'm just trying to process things myself."

" Do you think you need to speak to doctor Flynn. You seem to have drifted off somewhere since our return ."

A nervous laugh escapes" I doubt Flynn can do much. Even with him, I've at times been known economical with my words. "

My hands move to the side of her thighs I traced my fingers gently up and down. What do I do? Do I tell her exactly how I feel, the very thoughts that are waging a war in my depraved mind? By telling her will she feel inadequate about meeting my needs? Or will she see me for the sick fucked up son of a crack whore that I really am...Fuck!

"What usually helps." She continues to probe, why can't she just leave the issue alone

" Do you really want to know, Anastasia? " I don't wait for a response "Well I'd take it out on something on someone. At times I book to see Flynn and depending on the situation it may make a difference. If I'm at work then it's on whoever is in close proximity. I take it out on my body kick boxing and run miles and miles until the frustration dissipates. " I pause, well she wanted to know " and if I had a sub at the time I would you know ... I'll leave the rest to your imagination."

She tenses for a moment " Is there anything I can do to help in that department?" She sounds nervous

" Ana look at me ." She turns her head slightly and looks at me almost in tears

" You are doing everything .. I don't need that shit anymore probably never did need it to start with . Being here with you I'm learning new ways and it's everything I need."

"Seeing that boy, today did things to me. And it's not the first time I've been confronted with triggers from my past. But today, being in that building and worrying about our fate it was too much. I just wished that my real mother would have cared enough to even try to get some help. I was jealous, jealous that even though she is struggling to care for her kid at least she actually gives a fuck. If I had spent another few days with my mother's rotting corpse I wouldn't have survived and today that got to me.

I splash the ward water over my face because no; I'm not going to cry

She is silent; I don't know whether she is processing what I've just shared or maybe mapping out an exit plan

"So there Miss Anastasia Steele that's what's going on the mind of your crazy fiancé. I hope I haven't dug my own grave"

I get up and out of the tub grabbing two towels

"Come on let's go to bed. I think I've had more than enough excitement for one day."

She steps out allowing me to wrap a towel around her. My dick does it's usual, it cannot help but stand to attention. Tonight I'm happy to just go to sleep. I'm not going to probe her she needs time. I suppose that is why we haven't got a date yet for the wedding

I help dry her hair and she doesn't protest, I pull back the covers so she gets into bed and I switch off the lights and hold her close

"Good night Ana" she turns to me and I bring my lips to hers.

I'm hoping for a peck but her mouth is open wide she pushes her tongue into mine. This girl who had never been touched up until a few months ago is here making her demands known but the fear at the back of my mind is that today I might just break her

"Ana," I say begging for her mercy but she is having none of it

" Just relax, "she says

I close my eyes and surrender. My dick betrays me, pumped full of blood and twitching and sure as hell not knowing what to expect. Her body is on top of mine. My hands stay firmly to the sides as they twitch. The next thing I know she has engulfed me in a hot wetness. I let out a hiss, it's too much, I reach out to touch her but my hands are directed back to sides

" Fuck Ana, what are you doing me?"

"Shhh," she nips my earlobe with her teeth setting a jolt of electric current through me. " I want to be all that you'll need Christian, only if you let me."

I buck my hips as she moves up and down, sliding my dick in and out of her pussy

" Tell me what you need," She isn't letting this go " Come on take what you need."

This isn't what I had planned, this not what I had hoped for. I'm not going to punish her but damn I just want to fuck her hard into tomorrow. This now this the real surrender exercising control.

I flip her so she is on all fours, I ease myself in slowly, that pussy dripping wet for me, no condoms and I don't give a fuck, literally

" Are you ready for this Ana, if I'm too much for you please let me know, fuck Ana wet for me as always"

I slap her ass and she squeals, clenching her inner walls, milking me. I'm not going to last and we are now at the point of no return. She has trusted me and my surrender is not to betray that trust. I thrust slow and hard.

"Shh, go are going to wake the whole neighbourhood baby. We don't want the whole of Seatle knowing that you've asked for this."

I slap her ass again and this time I don't stop fucking her hard, as hard as she can take. I'm gonna come and it's going to be an explosion. As if she knows she clenches her wall tightly and doesn't release me until my balls tighten and jets of cum escape and she screams her own release. I collapse onto the bed struggling to catch my breath and that's the last thing I remember.