AN: Thanks to Roar526 for reading several early versions of this chapter and letting me bounce ideas off her.
Previously on Albuquerque, we have a problem:
Once again, Marshall found himself at a point in his life where he faced a decision as to whether to put his needs before those of a loved one or not. Did he agree to her demand, give her what she wanted and continue sleeping with her even though he'd know it meant nothing to her? Or did he deny her, and him, physical comfort in the hope that one day he would have the full partnership with her that he desired?
Now:
Albuquerque, we have a problem
Chapter 55 – The Declaration of Inter-dependence
Marshall considered his options carefully. He could see Mary getting more anxious the longer he took to respond, but he didn't want to rush such a momentous decision.
"I can't do that, Mare," he finally said, "I can't promise not to get emotionally involved, I already am. We've been partners for four years and friends for nearly as long. I already love you and you can't ask me to stop."
As he said that he loved her she peered at him, examining his words and tone for any hidden meaning. She knew their partnership was one of the strongest in the Marshal Service and that he loved her as a friend, but hearing him say it seemed strangely familiar and very comforting. He'd told her he loved her after she'd announced her engagement to Raph, and then, as now, the words had settled in her heart and given her a measure of peace in a tumultuous time. But now, unlike then, she found herself wondering if he was talking about more than just their friendship.
"You know that, normally, I'd give you whatever you need. But I can't pretend not to care. I can't do that. If you want this to be about satisfying physical needs, that's fine, I can promise that I won't force you into anything more or even mention my feelings if you don't want me to. But, Mary, the very fact it's referred to as friends with benefits means that I'm emotionally involved," Marshall finished.
Mary sat quietly, considering his words. She found herself regretting her outburst. Why did she constantly have to push people away? And why was Marshall the only one that remained despite her best efforts to keep him at arm's length?
"Okay," she nodded.
She returned to the travel arrangements she was supposed to be making for the Delcroix's when another thought occurred to her.
"What is this to you?" she enquired, genuinely interested as to where he saw them heading.
"I thought we'd just established that. It's physical and nothing more."
Mary tried again, "What do you want it to be?"
Marshall put down his coffee mug with a controlled thud on the desk as he tried to think of a way of not answering the question.
"Tell me," Mary insisted, recognising the look on his face as one of evasion.
Marshall smiled sadly at her, "I want more than you're willing to give."
"How do you know what I'm willing to give?" she asked, hating being told what to do.
"I know you, Mare."
Mary didn't push him. She didn't actually want to push him away and asking him for more details about what he wanted from her risked rupturing their tentative agreement. Not that she needed to ask what he wanted, he'd made it perfectly clear. There wasn't much she would be hesitant about giving him, but she was living the phrase 'once bitten, twice shy'.
"Even if I wanted to, I don't know if I could," Mary admitted quietly, still thinking of Raph and this morning's phone call.
Marshall turned away, disappointed that she would never feel for him what he felt for her. He occupied himself with the filing cabinet behind his desk and almost didn't catch her next words.
"But I can try."
xxx
Eleanor noticed Marshall's almost euphoric mood as soon as she returned from lunch. The fact that he was waltzing around the office while filing kind of gave it away. As she came through the doors, he caught her up and spun her around, depositing her at her desk before waltzing into the conference room. Mary was sitting with her feet on her desk, watching Marshall with a smile.
"So, what's got him all excited?" she asked with a wink in Mary's direction.
Mary laughed, "Marshall got laid this morning."
"Really? So, why your sudden good mood?" Eleanor asked Mary, surprised by the apparent one-eighty Mary's mood had taken in the short time she had been out of the office, "Did you get laid too?"
Mary spluttered and reached for the phone, suddenly determined to make the travel arrangements she'd been tasked with. Eleanor noticed the prevarication and turned to Marshall who was looking back at her with a wide smile.
'Oh, yeah. They've definitely done it,' Eleanor thought.
She took her seat as Mary dialled.
Several minutes later Mary hung up.
"Hey, Lover-boy," she called across to Marshall, "I've got us a flight tonight."
"Really? That soon?" Marshall asked.
"Do you really want to take another shift in the Second Circle of Hell?" Mary flung back.
"It's interesting that you should pick the Second Circle of Hell, which in Dante's allegorical poem represents lust. The souls of the lustful are supposedly tormented by an unrelenting wind which tears at them and represents the wandering and changeable nature of those affected by lust. Perhaps a better choice would have been the Fifth Circle, wherein the sin of wrath is punished or the Seventh Circle where..."
Eleanor never found out which sin was contained in the Seventh Circle as Marshall was drowned out by the sound of Mary beating her head against her desk. She stopped when Marshall fell silent, and looked up.
"Do you want to hear about this flight or not?" she asked rhetorically. "There's a JPATS flight leaving for a DC pick up that don't mind taking us."
"JPATS?" Marshall queried, "Any chance that refers to something other than the prisoner transportation arm of the Marshal Service?"
"No," Mary replied, managing to squeeze her surprise and contempt at Marshall asking such an obvious question, into one word.
Marshall shifted, plainly uncomfortable, "Okay, but book me on as Marshal Miller."
Both Eleanor and Mary looked puzzled at his request.
"Why?" Mary asked after exchanging a look with Eleanor to decide which of them would ask.
"Because I asked you to?" he suggested.
Mary still wasn't convinced.
"Just do it, Mare. Don't read too much into it," he said with a finality that had Mary reaching for the phone to call back the scheduler at JPATS.
xxx
Mary sat on the edge of her bed, the engagement ring from Raph in her hand. She studied it intently, turning it over in her hands, examining it from every angle. She should have been packing an overnight bag for her trip, but she'd been distracted when she'd caught sight of the ring laying on the nightstand.
As she regarded it, the rage that had consumed her all morning and well into the afternoon returned. She had the overwhelming desire to throw it back in Raph's face again, metaphorically this time, as he was no longer in throwing distance.
Marshall had of course noticed her bad mood but hadn't questioned the cause. Instead, he had distracted her from her anger with his attempt to clarify their arrangement which had taken all of her focus. The anxiety she had felt waiting for him to respond to her demands had shocked and confused her and when he hadn't just given in, but actually countered with his own request she'd been thrown and had agreed without giving it too much thought. Any residual anger had been washed away in the light of Marshall's good mood. She knew she had agreed to something with Marshall but she still wasn't sure exactly what. Whatever it was had made him very happy, though and she hadn't wanted to burst his bubble.
She turned the ring over again, searching for any angle from which it looked less obtrusive. She failed to find one.
She slid it onto her finger and twisted her hand this way and that.
She still couldn't believe Raphael's audacity in asking for it back and at that moment she would have been more than happy to never see the thing again.
The ring symbolised the things she wanted in life; stability, unconditional love and a promise that she would never be alone. Yet, even as it embodied these things, it also served to remind her of all the things that were wrong with her life. Wearing it had become a chore, something she had to make a conscious effort to remember. It had felt heavy on her hand, weighing her down at inappropriate times.
As another facet of the diamond caught her attention, she realised that the ring didn't just symbolise her hopes for her future, but it was also intimately tied to the moment her relationships with Raphael and Marshall had changed.
Raph's ill-conceived proposal had changed everything in their relationship, but not in any of the ways Raph had hoped it would. She knew he had wanted her to be more receptive to his plans of moving in together and becoming a family. She had tried the best she could, not wanting to disappoint him and secretly desiring the security he offered, but at every turn she had felt rushed, pushed into a situation before she was ready. Every time he pushed her, she pushed back until she had pushed him away entirely.
Her relationship with Marshall had been shifting slowly ever since he had reached into her pocket to retrieve the damn ring and thrust it onto her finger. The week they had spent posing as a engaged couple for Ellen's benefit, had allowed her new insight into Marshall's family and his life before Albuquerque which had deepened their friendship. The sex they had had that week had been just that; sex. She had been horny and he had satisfied her need, as he had given so many people what they wanted in precedence to his own needs or desires. She hadn't understood that at the time or how deep this character trait of Marshall's ran, she was only beginning to glimpse the surface of it now.
In the weeks since Ellen had left, the need to pretend they were engaged had ceased to exist and yet she and Marshall had ended up spending more time together anyway, especially after Raph had left. She had sought the solace of his company which had lead to another encounter in his bed. That had been about satisfying Marshall's drunken desire, but even then he had made sure she hadn't been left wanting before lapsing into his alcohol induced slumber.
The last few days, which they had mostly spent apart, had really driven home to Mary how much she enjoyed Marshall's company. She had found herself missing him and wanting to tell him so. She had found words inadequate so had shown him in the only way she knew, with her body. Last night had been tender and loving and she had found herself enjoying that aspect of it more than she had ever thought possible. When Marshall had said that he wanted more, she had agreed to try in the heat of the moment.
Now, as she sat contemplating the twists her life had taken since she had first laid eyes of the ring glistening on her finger, she found herself less angry and more willing to remember the happy memories associated with it. As she reminisced, she found that all the good recollections were tied in someway to Marshall. The hug he had given her when she had told him about the engagement, the fake proposal she had concocted when Ellen had asked, the nights spent in Marshall's bed as his fiancée.
But it wasn't just recent memories of Marshall that brought a smile to her face. She recalled all the times he had been there for her as a friend. The times she had relied on him, the times she had taken him for granted, his solid quiet presence always there for her whether she needed it or not. She wondered what her life would be like if he wasn't in it. She could think of several occasions it would have been cut short, terminated before it's time if not for Marshall. Even if she didn't count the moments of great importance that Marshall had influenced, he had improved her life in so many other ways that she couldn't even begin to list them.
She took the ring off her finger, slowly, now less willing to give it up. Despite all it's negative connotations, there were still some happy memories associated with it.
But mostly it was just a symbol of yet another failed relationship. Any good memories were drowned out by her recent failure and her inability to let Raph in, driving him away without ever knowing how. She was so scared of finding that he'd been driven away by one of her many character flaws that she hadn't even gone to see him to ask why he was leaving her. She kind of hoped that he knew about her sleeping with Marshall and that was why he had left. If it had been because of that, that was something she could avoid doing again, after all, what had Marshall said? The only thing a person could control was their actions. But if he'd left because of her personality, then what hope was there for her? How would she ever find, and keep, the love and stability she desired?
As doubt after doubt assailed her, she found herself reaching for her phone and dialling Marshall's number, unable to stop her tears as she did so.
"I can't do it, Marshall. I can't risk loosing you. You're too important to me," she sobbed.
"Mare? What's wrong?" Marshall asked, too concerned at the tears in her voice to take in her words.
"I'm so sorry, Marshall. I just can't do it," she said again.
"Where are you?"
"Home."
"I'll be right there," he said hanging up.
xxx
Marshall sped through the night.
He was desperate to reach Mary before all his hopes and dreams died.
He pulled into her drive and ran up the steps, letting himself in when he reached the house.
He found her in her bedroom as expected, her phone on the floor, eyes rimmed red, surrounded by letters on top of which lay her engagement ring.
He noticed it all but focused solely on Mary.
He knelt on the floor in front of her and reached out a hand to clasp one of hers.
"Mare?" he whispered. "What happened? Talk to me."
