It is in these small moments where our fate in the face of the Ascension shall be determined.
Graduation day has rapidly approached us. Though the school itself is filled with cheer and relief from the Senior class, those who are privy to the dark threat looming over us all find their cheer a tad more reserved. We've lost one of our potent warriors. Angel has been injured by an arrow laced with a poison deadly to him. The others are working on finding a cure for it, whilst Xander and I have been locked away in the library, working off of the research a recently murdered Professor Worth had composed. So much has happened. And so much is about to happen. I'll attempt to relate it all here, for I fear that this journal may be the only thing left to tell the tale of what happened in Sunnydale.
Professor Worth, slain by Faith, was working on some research of a dig he had performed on a volcano in Kauai. At the bottom of the volcano, or rather underneath it, he found a large carcass. He attributed to being an undiscovered dinosaur . . . but based on Anya's account, we think we know better. Anya was there at an Ascension before whilst she had been a Vengeance Demon. This sorcerer had become the embodiment of the demon Lohesh. Though we thought the demon would be similar to those we had fought in the past, Anya proved us incorrect. The Mayor wouldn't become a hybrid, as those we have seen, but a pure demon. Which, simply, means that it will be extremely large and likely quite angry.
However, Anya also said that the rituals the Mayor was performing weren't the same the sorcerer had used. Which means he is not aiming to become Lohesh, but another demon entirely. Our meeting was interrupted by the Mayor himself. He walked right into the library and goaded us. Perhaps I acted a tad irrationally, for when he directly threatened Buffy, I drove my rapier through his chest. It was quite alarming to see that he was only surprised by my action . . . and in no way harmed by it. My sword sat there in his chest, and he didn't even flinch with pain. He merely pulled it back out and tossed it to me. It was unsettling.
As I mentioned before, Angel was shot with an arrow and a poison had been administered. Despite my feelings for him, I knew Buffy needed him back to full health, and we did as well. Angel is a force that we desperately need in this last desperate fight against Wilkins. In war, personal feelings must be set aside for the greater outcome to unfold. I hope they find a cure. Though, I was banking on the Council coming to aid us. As Wesley said, they have files upon files of known toxins and their antitoxins. Yet, as he informed us, the Council refuses to aid a vampire, special circumstances or not.
Buffy made a precedent in that moment. She quit the Council. A Slayer has always worked in tandem with the Council. They've always been the Council's soldier. I have no idea how the Council is going to take the news. It isn't as though they can just train another to use as their soldier. Some part of me worries that they might send one of their special units for her . . . If this Slayer won't work with them, then they can mold the next one into their perfect little soldier. All they'd need to do is . . . eliminated . . . the current Slayer. I want to believe that the Council is better than that. That if they fight for humanity, they won't perform such an evil deed. But I've lost my faith in the Council. Should we survive this fight, I'll have to keep my ears open for any movement on the Council's behalf in regards to Buffy.
Yet the likelihood of surviving this battle becomes more and more grim as time goes on. I've recently discovered whom I think the demon Wilkins is going to become. Olvikan. Though not the largest demon, he is certainly the biggest we've ever faced. Big and ravenous. He could feed on the entire town of Sunnydale and not slake his hunger. I don't wish to say we're doomed . . . but there is not much light shining right now. I'll set this entry aside for now. I can't rest until I've given my all.
God help us.
Well, I'm officially unemployed.
The good news is that I'm alive to be unemployed. We all are . . . save for a few students and Principal Snyder. The former are tragedies, of course, but the latter? . . . Somehow I just can't bring myself to feel any form of remorse. Especially since I have a feeling he'd march right up to me and sack me in person if he was still alive. As if it was necessary . . . the entire high school has been destroyed. I did that, by the way. I blew up the high school. It was oddly satisfying.
So, the battle. Well, first I should say that we did find the cure for Angel. Apparently, he needed the Slayer's blood to survive. Buffy had attempted to acquire Faith for this venture, but she put her in a coma instead. I saw Faith in hospital . . . Though my relationship with her is quite strained, she looked quite pitiful in that bed. Her face is entirely bruised . . . indeed, she almost wasn't recognizable. The original reason I was in hospital was to see Buffy. She . . . ah . . . offered herself to Angel instead. He fed off of her. Xander put it rather eloquently when he pointed out the fact that Angel had chosen to nearly kill the girl who loved him to save his own arse. If Angel had even a little less control, he very well might have killed Buffy. We needed him in the battle, yes, but if it became between him or Buffy, I know who I'd prefer to have at my side in battle. Even if that didn't necessarily mean we'd win.
Luckily, Buffy recovered quickly and gathered us all in the library where she told us her plan. It was a ridiculous plan. Dangerous. And it worked. We armed each student in the graduating class and formed our own little army to combat the Mayor and his forces. Xander made explosives based on ingredients that Willow and Oz found and procured. I was in charge of waiting for Buffy to run out of the library . . . and then blow it up. Naturally, I spent most of the day removing the books. As if I could allow them to be blown to smithereens. I may not be a librarian anymore, but I could hardly allow books to be destroyed.
Of course, now I have over three hundred books that I need to somehow fit into my flat. I may need to rent a storage unit. Anyway, Buffy worked the Mayor—who by the way, transformed into the most hideous snake demon I have ever seen—into a frenzy and made him chase her through the school. Once she emerged from the library and took her place beside me, I pushed down on the lever . . .and watched the library, the school as a whole, just . . . blow up. There's nothing really left but a few walls and some rubble.
In this rubble, I found a remaining diploma. I gave it to Buffy afterwards. The poor girl is exhausted. Physically, and I warrant emotionally as well. Angel has left us for good. And a good riddance, I say. He's hurt Buffy more times than I care to count. She'll need time to recover, of course, but I saw her and the others heading off. So long as she has her friends at her side, I remain assured that she can get through anything. Yes, all those in our little group survived. Xander, who showed extreme commanding skill during the battle—or so I heard, Oz and Willow and Cordelia—all who displayed brilliant warrior skills. Wesley was injured at some point in the battle, but I saw him off to hospital just a half hour ago. Other than being in severe pain, he's quite alright. As to his plans, I'm not quite sure where his path will now take him. I don't know if he's still allied with the Council or has turned his back on them as well. Either way, I ought to visit him in hospital in the morning.
I've no idea if I'm going to get any sleep tonight. I drank some terrible coffee earlier, and my hands haven't quite stopped shaking since. Not even chamomile tea is soothing me. I am utterly exhausted, but until this dreaded caffeine-adrenaline mix leaves my system, I am afraid I'm wired. I suppose I can use this time to ponder my own future. As I said before, I am quite thoroughly unemployed now. Librarian positions are difficult to come by as it is, and I need to make a decision as to if I should even remain in America.
I was here originally to be Buffy's Watcher. Then I was sacked, and Buffy has proven time and again that she does not require a Watcher or the Council at all. In regards to her Slaying, she is quite self-sufficient. I don't really have a purpose here any longer. All I am is Buffy's friend. A very adult-shaped friend. As she goes to college and takes steps to mold her own life, my place in it becomes less and less clear. We lose friends all the time. There isn't anything wrong with moving on from friends. We are constantly changing people, and sometimes friends who suited us well before, no longer do later in our lives. It will be sad, of course. Likely more sad on my part than hers. She was my life, after all, for three years . . . longer than that if one considers my years in training to become her Watcher.
Now I'm faced with freedom of choice. Long ago, I had thirsted for this. There are paths ahead of me, and any one I can easily take. Yet, I find myself hesitating from taking a step into the light and away from the darkness I've lived my life in for decades. Can anyone move on . . . knowing what we know? I helped save the world today. How can I open some bookshop in Bath after that? And yet there it is . . . the lure of normalcy. I'm not too old yet. I could still find love, perhaps settle down and have a family. They needn't ever know of the monsters under their beds that their father faced.
I have some money saved up. I don't need to look for a job any time soon. Perhaps I'll just have myself a summer holiday here in Sunnydale first. Yes. I'll be able to make my decision after I've properly rested and recovered from this school year.
And perhaps by then I'll know where I fit in Buffy's life.
-Rupert Giles
1999
