Hello, Time Bomb

Chapter 54

London Bridge


Time passed in skips and jumps. Ivy was barely aware of it, slipping in and out of dreamless sleep. The numbers on the clock and the sun in the sky jumped around every time she closed her eyes, even to blink. Sometimes it was loud, new patients being brought into the makeshift hospital or an existing patient making a fuss. Sometimes it was quiet, the middle of the night.

She didn't care. She'd never been so tired in her life. Her limbs were heavy, her heart sluggish, her eyes impossible to keep open for any length of time.

Garrus stood in front of her, speaking words that blurred and warped as she tried to make sense of them. She closed her eyes and let out a long breath before opening them again. The sun was behind EDI's head, a cold metal hand was at her wrist. She blinked again and it was Liara.

"Please stay with us," Joker murmured to her. "He wouldn't want you to die."

She closed her eyes and he disappeared.

She woke to a straw being pressed against her lips. Pink slush. He'd promised her that in Vancouver he'd show her real food. The protein drink dribbled down her lips and onto the pillow. They fed her through the IV again. She didn't struggle. She was so tired.

She was lucid enough to see Kasumi appear in her room, like the shadows came to life.

"Bau's alive," the thief said. "I've been keeping tabs on him. You really rung his bell, but he's up and walking again."

Ivy let out a sigh of relief as Kasumi stroked her hair.

"Don't listen to these guys. Take all the time you need. We've got you."

She closed her eyes and Kasumi disappeared, the sun with her.

It could have been days or years when she really woke up, when she finally felt like she had the energy to move. Her muscles felt wasted and sore. Her throat was dry. She couldn't move much. Enough to sit up. Enough to suck from the straw offered to her by the nurse that had rushed to her aid. It tasted like ash and she cried as she drank it. The nurse looked at a point on the wall, over her shoulder, not engaging her.

James came to see her, to hold her while she cried. He had lost a leg below the knee in Hammer, a clumsy, old-fashioned prosthetic all that was available with so many needing treatment. He joked about it, his words still fuzzy, only half of them getting through, but she saw his smile and for a moment it made her smile.

It was over. The Reapers were gone, she wasn't their commander anymore. If Hackett ever tried to put her on an Alliance ship again she'd refuse.

"Where am I?" she rasped, immediately coughing at the tickle in her dry throat.

"London. They've sealed off part of the Royal hospital for VIPs," James told her.

"The crew... Who..?"

"We're fine, Lola. A little banged up, but no casualties. Joker's going to be in here for a while, the Normandy took a hit, but they'll be back in the air soon. Anderson didn't make it."

She made an involuntary sound at the back of her throat. It wasn't the devastation she'd half expected. Just the one name, a name he didn't even need to say because she already knew. She'd pulled the trigger herself. God, he'd been so scared at the end. She could still see the blood streaming down his armour. Anderson had given his life to get Kaidan to her and she'd...

She found herself pressed against James' chest. She didn't sob, she didn't have the energy. But tears came, silently falling against his t-shirt, choking her.

James held her and she squeezed her eyes closed.

The sun was shining in her eyes when she opened them again. With a tired moan she tried to roll over but her body was once again too weak.

"Heard you were awake." Hackett's voice came from somewhere in the blinding light.

Using all of her strength she bore her weight on the backs of her shoulders, letting her shuffle over just enough to see what was going on. It was so strange to see him in a combat uniform. It looked out of place. He was too old for it.

"Sir," she said, hoping he wouldn't ask her to salute, she didn't think she had the strength.

"How're you feeling, Shepard?"

"Tired."

"You took a hell of a hit when the crucible fired, I'm not surprised. You should recover fine, no major damage." He looked down at his hands for a moment before meeting her eyes again. "They didn't manage to save the baby."

She knew that. She couldn't even feel the grief anymore. She was just numb. He should have reprimanded her for the pregnancy. He should have court martialed her for it. He didn't say anything else on the subject.

"Can you sit up?"

She nodded as best she could. She heard the creak of wheels against linoleum and realised he was pushing an empty wheelchair.

"Where...?"

"You racked up quite a body count while you were indoctrinated, but not as many as you think. Come on, I"ll help you."

She could hardly protest as he lifted her up, sheets and all, and settled her into the wheelchair. She didn't want to go. It was so hard to hold her head up. He heard him transferring her IV bag and catheter to the hooks on the chair. She didn't want to do this.

Out in the hallway it was too bright, too loud. There were so many people. The hallways were lined with beds, the nurses looked like they were run ragged. Nearly every other bed was attended by a volunteer with the red crescent logo on their arm band, carrying cups of tea or holding drips or reading quietly.

She was wheeled past a window, but couldn't raise her head to see how much had been rebuilt while she was under.

Hackett turned her around and she heard the bang of a swinging door.

"Shepard?"

She blinked groggily, trying to make sense of what was in front of her. "Bau?"

"I can't believe you survived. I can't believe any of us did. I'd heard, but..."

"The others?"

"Gorlin survived, and Irda."

"No one else?" she asked, her heart petrifying in her chest. She'd hoped Hackett's promise that she hadn't killed everyone would have better results.

"It's a miracle any of us made it out," Bau said. She managed to take in some of his features. He was badly scarred, his shoulder was bandaged. But like Kasumi said, he was walking. "Indoctrination got some of the best, Shepard, it's not your fault. Your Major was a hero for what he did."

"I know."

She met his eyes for a moment before the exhaustion overcame her again. She slumped back into the wheelchair. A hero. Yes, he was a hero. He had done more than was asked of him, more than anyone else could have done, but that was a cold comfort. Her dead hero. He was no good to anyone dead.

Bau reached out and splayed his hand over her forehead. She didn't have the energy to react. "Feel better, Shepard. Your Major isn't the only hero."

She closed her eyes, but this time the room didn't jump around, she didn't find someone new there or some other time of day. She just heard the doors swing open, then shut behind her. She didn't want Bau's praise. She wasn't a hero. If she had been before, she wasn't now. She was all broken.

"There's someone else I want you to see," Hackett said softly.

"Sir?"

"Yes?"

"What will happen to my contract?"

She couldn't bear it if they made her serve again. She'd never stand up again if all she could do was step back into that uniform.

"Funny thing about war, Shepard. A lot of servers go down, paperwork gets lost."

She felt a bubble of frustration well up in her throat. He was implying something, why couldn't he now, of all times, speak plainly? "I'm not asking about the servers."

Hackett chuckled, the sound making her feel even more helpless. "I'll take care of it. You won't have to worry about your contract anymore. I can't speak for the Council, though. They'll probably still want you."

"Thank you." She meant it, but the words were cold and hollow in her mouth. She couldn't seem to put any of her gratefulness into them.

"Shepard..." Hackett hesitated. "I don't want you to get your hopes up with what I'm about to show you."

He moved them into an elevator and the doors slid shut. Shepard didn't reply, taking the information on board. She didn't expect good news. Good news was something from a lifetime ago. The doors to the elevator stayed shut, time was moving in slow motion now, like it was trying to make up for all the days that had gone by so quickly. She didn't even feel them move.

When sunlight spilled against her skin again she was greeted by the sound of heart monitors and shouting doctors. The ICU. She saw the signs. It wasn't as crowded here. The people who had needed it would have been treated and moved out quickly. So many injured, so many dead. It was some nightmare that should have ended when the Reapers died, but stubbornly continued.

Hackett wheeled her to one of the closed off rooms, the windows showing her a prone human figure, tubes and wires sticking out at all angles. An intubation tube was down his throat, a drip in his arm, wires connected to his head and chest. She could just see a flash of thick black stubble against his cheek.

A grunt emerged from her throat and her hand moved of its own accord, hitting the window with a thump to splay out against the glass.

"Kaidan."

"It's not good, Shepard," Hackett warned. "His heart was protected from the worst of the shot. He had two pairs of dog tags and a mod chip punched through his skin, damn near straight through him, but they saved him. Bought you enough time to say goodbye. We've just located his parents, they're flying in."

She didn't know what to say. She lay back in the wheelchair, her eyes closed, her chest crushed. Hackett wheeled her into the tiny, dark room.

"I'll give you some time," he said.

She heard his retreating footsteps and the door click closed behind him, leaving her alone in the room, the only sound her shallow breathing and the constant beep of Kaidan's heart monitor.

With shaking hands she reached out and took hold of the railing on his bed. The metal clanked, but held. She put one foot on the ground, then the other. It took all her strength but slowly, carefully, she managed to pull herself standing. Her legs threatened to give out under her, the muscles weak, so she shifted the bulk of her weight to her arms. She had to see him.

"Oh, god," she sobbed. "Kaidan."

He was so pale, his skin a ghastly white. The tube down his throat looked painful, his lips pinched against the plastic. He hadn't been shaved, he nearly had a full beard. She nearly choked on her tears as she looked down at the pads strapped to his chest. She could see them pulsing, keeping his heart alive among blood and stitches, pink scars that wouldn't get the chance to heal.

It reminded her of the time in Huerta Memorial. But this was different. He had been pale then, and bruised. Now he was so much worse. Now he was dead except for the machines keeping life in him. There was nothing left here.

This was her work. She had done this.

"Please wake up," she begged.

She couldn't even reach out to touch him, needing both hands to keep herself standing.

"I'm so sorry." She barely recognised her voice anymore. Her eyes were clouded, her throat constricted. "I've killed you. I've lost our baby."

There was nothing more to say. She sunk back into her chair, her legs unable to support her anymore. She took his hand and pressed his cold skin against her face, peppered kisses on his knuckles. She could just smell his skin, that same smell that lingered on their sheets when he was gone.

Time jumped again. She was using his hand as a pillow, dozing lightly when the door opened. She knew from the sound, she didn't open her eyes. Hackett would be here to take her back to her room, away from Kaidan. Or his parents had come to say goodbye, only to find his killer curled up at his bedside. Either way she didn't have the strength to deal with it.

"So it's true, then."

Ivy opened her eyes, a sudden panic, a visceral fight-or-flight response to that voice. She couldn't defend herself like this. She couldn't defend him. All she could do was grip his hand tighter and pray her body cooperated if she needed to fight.

Miranda Lawson stood in the doorway, the light at her back casting most of her face in shadow.

"Wh-what do you want?" Ivy slurred, trying to keep her eyes open.

"I want to help."

Miranda walked into the room uninvited and picked up Kaidan's chart from the end of his bed and thumbed through it.

"Don't n-need you."

"Heart, lungs, spinal cord, attendant systems," Miranda murmured to herself. "I can work with this."

"St-st-stay away from him," Ivy moaned. Her mouth wouldn't work right, her tongue was thick and dry and she couldn't speak without slurring and stammering.

Miranda looked at her, one of those rare, disconcerting moments of genuine upset. "Commander, I know that I'm the last person you want treating Major Alenko, but this hospital doesn't have anyone qualified to do the level of synthetic work required to save him. I'm the only person who can do this."

The words took a long time to piece themselves together in her brain. Save him. Miranda was saying that she could save him.

"Why would you...?"

"I owe you this much, Commander."

Ivy looked at Kaidan, ashen and dying. She didn't know what to think or feel, but suddenly she wasn't so tired. "Can... can you?"

Miranda gave a short nod. "I believe so. I'll need time. And funding, but I'm sure you'll come up with something."

"Money's not a problem. You can fix him?" her voice broke.

"I'll do my best."

Ivy buried her face in his large, limp hand. She couldn't believe that. She couldn't be so lucky, this was some sort of dream. If she pinned her hopes of Miranda bringing him back and it failed she would curl up and die, she was sure of it. She laughed tearfully. No difference, then. What did she have to lose?

"His parents," she said. "You'll need their permission."

Miranda held his file toward her. "You're his next-of-kin, Shepard."

Ivy screwed up her face as her heart crumpled again. He must have changed it. She tried to speak, but her throat closed over and all she could do was sob. This had to work. He had to come back to her.

She nodded, unable to speak, letting her tears soak Kaidan's hand and her bawling be muffled against his skin.

"I'll make preparations immediately. We don't have time to waste."

Ivy heard the door close behind Miranda. She held Kaidan's hand to her face and sobbed helplessly. If there was a chance... any chance...

She closed her eyes and the world changed again.