"Really?" Tony said, his eyes popping open as soon as the door clanged shut. "Shakespeare? He's got the perfect opening to do Schwarzenegger, and he does Shakespeare?"
Benny looked mystified, but Gibbs just shook his head with a small smile. "How long you been with us, DiNozzo?"
"Since that bastard woke me up from my little nap with a boot in the ribs instead of bacon and eggs," Tony said, sighing and deciding to hold off on trying to sit up. Horizontal suited him just fine for the moment. "You know how long it's been since I've had a girl bring me breakfast in bed?"
"Oh, Schwarzenegger," Benny said, looking mostly stunned and confused. " 'I'll be back', right?"
Tony would have laughed if not for the pain in his chest and belly. "Welcome aboard, Benny. Glad you could join us."
Benny glared at him. "Hey, just because this is just another day at the office for you doesn't mean it is for me. My weapon of choice is a carrot-peeler, not a Glock."
"I carry a Sig," Tony said, knowing without looking that Gibbs was about to explode. His tone went soft when he asked, "So how screwed are we, Boss?"
"First things first, DiNozzo," Gibbs said just as softly. "How bad did he hurt you?"
Tony looked around the big room to try to avoid paying attention to his own throbbing body. He knew the pounding in his skull and blurry vision meant a concussion—as if the whole loss of consciousness thing hadn't told him that already. He knew that little misfortune was likely related to the reason he couldn't breathe through his nose and he'd probably have to throw out this shirt. He knew the stabbing pain in his left side meant cracked or broken rib. He knew the hard ache in his belly meant he'd been kicked more than once. Damned Navy bastards and their boots. Who the hell needs boots on a ship? You could easily walk around in bare feet, the only danger being a potentially lethal stubbed toe.
His eyes landed on North's dead body, and Tony said, "I'm feeling better than him."
"That bad, DiNozzo?"
"I'll be fine, Gibbs. Stop deflecting and tell me how screwed we are."
Gibbs cracked a smile at that. "We might not be. Thanks to your friendly neighborhood Mossad officer."
"I knew I loved Ziva," Tony said, letting his eyes close to try to clear the dizziness. "Why, exactly, do I love her, though?"
"Fordham's on his way to go rescue his girlfriend Hannah Squire from her evil clutches," Gibbs said, watching Tony consider that and fit it into their theories. "But he'll get a not-so-nice surprise when he finds Squire, one seriously pissed-off ex-assassin and McGee waiting for him."
Benny's eyes snapped to Gibbs and then slid uneasily to Tony. He wondered why Gibbs wasn't telling Tony that McGee was dead. "But Gibbs," Benny said, his voice low and pained. "McGee's…"
Tony jerked upright at Benny's tone with a gasp of pain that wasn't entirely rooted in the physical. "McGee's what?" he demanded, wishing he could wrap his bound arms around his aching ribs.
"McGee's fine," Gibbs said, watching Benny's face. "Agent Jardine is alive and well, too, Benny. Ziva was lying to Fordham."
Benny nodded slowly, feeling relief wash over him that Tim was okay. "So he won't know he's walking into a trap."
"Right," Tony said, his voice showing the same relief that the probie was alive and kicking to annoy him with geek-speak another day.
"But I don't understand why the captain would go so willingly," Benny said, watching Tony study the rope around the cast on his right hand. Told you that was one freakin' grotesque injury, my friend. "He knows Lowe and Willis are dead so he has no backup, except Hannah, who apparently got shot by someone. You people and your guns…"
Gibbs lifted a shoulder, watching Tony too and not liking the look in his eyes. DiNozzo had barely reacted to the fact that two of his attackers were dead, possibly all three depending on the captain's role. Gibbs was fairly certain North was the brains of this operation, if for no other reason than that Fordham had left North's gun in the middle of the floor next to his dead body. He had also rushed off to rescue his damsel in distress without asking for proof of life. Clearly not the brightest criminal they had ever dealt with. It made Gibbs wonder who had done the actual cutting and if they would ever know.
"He's overconfident that he can handle Ziva. And he's out of his mind for Squire. Apparently the plan is to get her out, too, no matter what."
"Ah, the plan," Tony said, giving his right arm an experimental tug against the rope and wincing. "It's actually not a bad one. Everyone dies in a wild west shootout, leaving him to spin the tale however he wants."
"And Squire was clear because we never could connect her to the attack. Just the drug use," Gibbs said. "It'll be interesting to see how he tries to explain her presence here, though. But we might never get to hear him try."
"Because he's not counting on our deadly Officer David to thwart the plan," Tony said, wishing Ducky hadn't done such a good job with his handiwork, as he'd called it. He tried to wiggle his fingers and shimmy his hand out of the cast, but the movement brought swift, searing pain to the broken bone and he stopped, waiting for the black dots to clear from the edges of his vision.
"Officer David," Benny said thoughtfully. "You called her Agent David, Gibbs, so the captain would forget she's a Mossad ninja assassin crazy killer woman."
"Don't ever let her hear you call her that," Tony said, catching Gibbs watching him pull at the cast. Tony pulled himself painfully to his knees using his hands, tied at shoulder level, to tow his battered body upright, even though the rope chewed at his wrist. He pulled downward on the cast, using his weight to try to slip free.
"Take every little advantage you can get, Benny," Gibbs said simply. He saw Tony flinch and close his eyes as he tugged on the cast. "Knock that off before you pass out again, DiNozzo."
"Seriously, Tony," Benny agreed, wincing at the sidelong glare Tony tossed at him. "That's got to hurt like hell."
"I'll take pain over dead, Benny," Tony answered, biting the undamaged side of his lip and jerking on the cast. "Ah, shit. Ow."
Benny grinned suddenly. " 'You know the best thing about pain? It lets you know you're not dead yet!' "
Tony laughed out loud as Gibbs looked at them like they'd lost their minds. "Ohhhh yeah. 'GI Jane.' 1997 Ridley Scott work of art. Demi Moore, Viggo Mortensen. Best chick flick ever."
Benny raised an eyebrow at him. "There are women who would castrate you for calling it that."
"Nah, they'd just tell me to suck their… never mind. Don't look at me like that, Boss. It's actually relevant to the conversation, and not just because of the perfect quote my good friend here just trotted out. It's about a female Navy SEAL—"
"DiNozzo!" Gibbs barked.
Tony grinned, feeling the stretch in his split lip. "And you can't even headslap me."
"Tony," Gibbs said, giving him a look that succeeded in making him somewhat ashamed of his antics, even if they were keeping Benny from panicking. He didn't take the rebuke too harshly, though, because he knew Gibbs knew exactly what he was doing.
He just hoped the man hadn't anticipated his next move.
"Maybe it's a good thing you're cuffed all the way over there, Boss," Tony said, placing his cast against the pipe. "Because you'd smack me into next week for this."
Gibbs knew what was coming but didn't turn away as Tony pulled back as far as he could and drove his left shoulder into the plaster covering his right wrist. Gibbs just hoped the loud cracking he heard was the cast and not another of DiNozzo's bones.
"Fuuuuuuuuucccckkkkk," DiNozzo howled before slumping against the pipe, his bloody cheek resting against the cool metal as he tried to slow his breathing. He waited for the blackness to clear from his vision before inspecting the damage.
"Fuck that hurt," he panted, watching Benny look at him as if he suddenly had wings. "Did I mention that? Because if I didn't, let me repeat. Fuck that hurt."
"DiNozzo. Of all the stupid, dangerous, reckless, boneheaded things you've done," Gibbs said, and he watched as Tony pulled his broken hand from the even more broken cast with a low groan. "That was the most brilliant thing you've ever done."
Tony grinned at him. "Whoa, Gibbs, easy on the kudos. I know you probably packed only so much. And I can do that one better," he said, still breathing hard through the pain as he reached for his belt, his right hand stinging and clumsy. "Goddamn. I haven't fumbled this much since junior high. Uh, take that any way you want to."
Gibbs rolled his eyes and watched, wondering if his pale, shaky agent was going to pass out before freeing the knife.
"Rule No. 9," DiNozzo said, pulling the blade and slicing through the rope binding his left wrist without blinking.
Tony sat on his heels for a moment before getting up to stagger his dizzy way over to where Benny sat, looking up at him in awe and holding his hands out like an offering.
"What?" Tony asked, looking down and trying not to pass out.
Benny just smiled even though Tony looked like hell. He asked softly, "You really are badass, aren't you?"
