A/N: So I know it's been some time – again – but I haven't forgotten about this fic, promise! If anything, it's been bugging me non-stop. Unfortunately I suffered a painful injury right after my last update, and it's kept me from doing a lot of things, including my beloved writing!

How awesome was Clexacon? Of course it's way too far for me to have attended (since I'm on another continent), but the Spashley reunion was amazing and very inspirational – to me at least. I'm grateful for technology and the people who filmed the Q&A and posted it on Youtube!

Anyway, let me not waste time with the nitty-gritties and get on with the long overdue chapter!

Thanks to everyone who's still reading! Even if you don't review, I'm just glad there's still a Spashley fanbase out there :) I'm not affiliated in any way, it's just that SON will always be that one show for me…


ToriDub – CH45 : I hope you get excited again, I'm really trying my best to get back to regular updates. I'm so glad you find this fic interesting, it's exceeded my own expectations since I started it and I'm very satisfied with how the story has turned out. I wish I could answer your questions but that would ruin the story for you, I hope you'll be patient with me and keep on reading despite my slow updates! Thank you for reading and reviewing!

GirlsOnly – CH45 : I agree, the story is finally moving forward, it was stagnant for a bit but for a reason! I know it focuses a great deal on Ashley and everybody is excited to also finally see some more interaction between her and Spencer; and there will be much more. I know there's a lot of questions regarding Spencer but in due time! There's still a lot of chapters left! Thank you for reading and reviewing, hope this chapter is satisfactory :)

SoNFan – CH45 : I'm glad you're enjoying the progress with Spencer and Ashley! There's more of that to come! Thank you for reading and reviewing!

Anjela78 – CH45 : Thank you so much for not giving up on this fic! I apologize for the very slow updates, I really am trying to get back to the regular updates! Wow, I hope the poor chichuahua is okay, that's terrible news :( Hope you have a wonderful day and thank you for reading and reviewing!

TheDWall – CH45 : I'm glad the last chapter didn't disappoint! I'm holding off a bit on the Ashley/Kelly/Spencer saga, but there is a good reason for that, I hope it doesn't put everyone off! We'd all like to see Ashley get rid of Kelly but she needs a little nudge to keep her on her toes for now. Thanks for the compliment on my writing, I do try :) Thank you for reading and reviewing!


Not afraid

Sean Miller

I found it weird, the way the world worked. The way people worked. The way people were wired, the way people reacted to things, the way they grew, the way some people just grew to a point and then stopped, some sadly even backpedalling.

It was interesting, the way the human brain worked. It was interesting to see how circumstances and the world around you could change your own behavior. Some people live by the Bible. Some people chose not to. Some people displayed deviant behavior - all on different levels. Some seek forgiveness, others don't.

The first time I met Ashley she was the epitome of deviance. Let the looks and her apparent confusion not deceive you. She was a cold-hearted killer and still is.

She's also, despite her profession and what it means about her as a person, very kind-hearted. Caring. Soft. Strong-willed.

But most off all; remorseful.

I would never condone killing; it was an act of total disregard of human life. I was a very hard person when it came to moral values and what's right and wrong.

But given this delicate situation, I've been forced to look at Ashley a different way. I still didn't understand how this bright young lady got herself into such a predicament. I still didn't understand how she lived with herself being such a monster.

But spending the past couple of months with her, seeing her come undone at her callous actions, I've realized that she was paying for her sins. Maybe in the eyes of society not the right way, like going to prison or being put on death row, but she was suffering the consequences on a level that no human being would understand. Not even my fellow ghosts understood, except perhaps Madison, on some level - because she tried to.

I also tried to be understanding and patient despite not owing her a damn thing. She did, after all, rob me of my life. Robbed my family of a husband and father. The list of people who'd been affected by my death was endless. So I shouldn't really, by the standards of society, be forgiving or even tolerating towards her.

It was such a tumultuous conflict within me. How could I ever forgive her for what she's done to me? My family. My friends.

But how could I expect her to release me without being a hypocrite, forcing her to kill the bastard who'd ordered a hit on me.

We were all hypocrites. Everybody goes through this at some point in their lives where they have to be a literal oxymoron.

I just wished the others would ease up on her a little. It would reduce the panic and confusion and allow her to think clearly.

It was evident that she was not.

Her motive for letting us go was not because she wanted to. Not that putting up with us was any fun - I was sure she couldn't wait until we disappeared from her life. But that soft, remorseful girl I was talking about? I knew she didn't want to kill anymore.

But conniving as Kelly was - like she's always been - has helped nudge Ashley into this situation.

I couldn't say that I was not happy about it, it's made Ashley make up her mind about pushing through with this.

But the threats on her love interest's life was so Kelly. Ashley was doing the right thing by taking it seriously. No one knew the extent of what we as ghosts were capable of, we didn't even know, but Kelly was evil. Has always been and seemed it would never change. I understood Kelly's bitterness, but it was clearly misdirected. And also, she never deserved Spencer anyway. Spence was way too good for Kelly and I was relieved to some extent that things have turned out this way, no matter how heartbreaking it must have been to lose a loved one.

Speaking of the devil… I sighed as I heard her voice break Ashley's calmed silence at the front door.

"Had a good night?"

I couldn't help but smirk at Ashley's immediate annoyance towards the raven-haired ghost. I had to give it to her - she had nerves of steel to put up with Kelly's crap.

"Better than yours."

"You should introduce us soon. I'm sure she would love to get to know you better. You know, the Ashley we know. Does your girlfriend know what you do for a living?"

And there it was. Remorse. Pain. Fear. It was all so clear in Ashley's eyes that I could perhaps look past my own pain and anger towards her and maybe, just maybe, be a little more understanding. Forgiving.

Though I haven't given her any crap at all - unlike everyone else - the resentment had been lingering closer to the surface the past couple of weeks.

But looking at her now, taking in how she shrunk away at Kelly's words and distanced herself, even physically trying to get away from the threats and true but painful words, I couldn't help but feel sorry for her.

Her life was a complete mess. With apparent memory loss and the state the accident left her, with the conscience of a killer and ghosts haunting her, with nothing to help her move forward other than the girl who'd warmed her cold heart, she was a mess.

"Everybody's in a good mood, don't ruin this Ashley. It's been long enough, we all want to go home."

Aiden was one to talk. I didn't particularly like the guy. I knew all about how he worked with Ashley and coordinated all her hits. I also knew the circumstances under which he told her to pull the trigger on him. It was noble back then, but now he had the audacity to hold it against her. And be smug about it.

"Well, what are you waiting for? Have any of you started digging? I can't build the case files by myself. I don't know who you all pissed off. I was only there to do my job."

Well, right back at you, Aiden. Ashley was careful with her wording but her temper and defenses were still up.

"Can you unlock your office so we can sit with you and do some research?"

My heart broke for Lily.

Of all of us she'd been the least receptive of her ghost status. Being the brilliant investigative journalist she was, I could imagine that without any logical explanation, Lily couldn't make sense of what was happening. There were no hard facts. No medical or scientific clarification why we were in this situation, why we were here, as ghosts. We had no choice but to accept the situation we were in, as it was. But for a complex yet intellectual mind as Lily's, just accepting something so surreal was close to impossible.

So hearing her ask something that was so much part of the Lily Zee I knew, I realized that she was slowly making peace with the circumstances we found ourselves in.

I watched them all follow Ashley into her small study, except Sasha, who kept flicking through TV channels.

I had a suspicion what she was waiting for, and instead of making my presence known in Ashley's office, I gently slid onto the couch next to Sasha, the silence comfortable between us.

A good couple of minutes passed before Sasha finally paused on a news channel long enough for us to take in what's been happening in the world we were no longer part of.

While I scowled when Dan Miller's face filled the screen, Sasha flinched. She stared at the image of her father for a moment before turning to me.

"I'm sorry."

Sasha, just like Ashley, looked remorseful. But Sasha had no reason to be, she was not responsible for her father's actions.

"Sasha," I started softly, wishing I'd learned more about her before having to talk about her father.

"No, please, let me," Sasha begged before I could continue. I closed my mouth despite not wanting to hear an apology from her. It wasn't fair.

"I know I'm not him. I know what a monster he is. As bad as he is out there, it was the same behind closed doors. We both know that he's responsible for us being here. I bet you he probably had something on Lily too. We're all connected, Sean, don't you see?"

For the smart-ass lawyer I always thought I was, it felt pretty disconcerting to be told by the fresh out of high-school graduate that all the ghosts were in fact connected in some way and none of us had even been able to see that.

I knew Boz, painfully close, Sasha's father, I knew Lily and even Kelly, also painfully too close. The only two ghosts who were not an immediate clarity was Aiden and Madison. But they knew each other. And they knew Ashley before she killed them.

"What? Didn't think we actually learn anything at school?" Sasha smirked.

I stared at the youngster, mouth agape. My mind was reeling, trying to connect more dots, trying to figure out if this entire killing spree of Ashley's had been a conspiracy of sorts. We were all linked, and our deaths were politically linked.

The only person who was capable of sweeping such a huge mass murder under the rug was Dan Miller.

And looking at Sasha, I knew he'd succeeded. I didn't doubt for a second that he had something to do with his daughter's death. Such a complicated hit in such a daring environment… Ashley was hired because she was a pro.

I sighed, my hand reaching for my face, pinching my nose. This was a lot of information to take in. A lot of information to process, and certainly a lot to rethink.

If only Ashley could take out just Dan Miller, and we all disappeared from her life, and she'd actually do the world a favor. No-one would hold it against her. She'd get killed herself, but she'd die a hero.

"He used to be my hero," Sasha interrupted my racing thoughts.

My eyes refocused on her, then the TV screen where they still had a dedicated channel reporting something that had happened somewhere in LA. 9th Division caught my eye in the background, and immediately my pulse quickened. "Can you turn up the volume a bit?"

I could see Sasha wasn't ready to hear her father's voice, but her thumb pressed down on the remote anyway, and thankfully, right after they switched over to a reporter outside of the police station.

"I'm Stacey Keller reporting live for KTNS LA. We're down at 9th Division, a stellar precinct that was unable to withstand the angry citizens of LA as they forced entry into the station, rioting and demanding for Mayor Dan Miller to step down. Mayor Miller was on routine visit when the incident happened. After bombarding entrances by the rioting civilians, a gunman forced his way inside, opened fired, killing one officer and two civilians. He has since been taken into custody and charged with treason, attempted murder on the Mayor, and first degree murder on three counts."

It felt for a second as if the world around me had stopped. This couldn't be… it was too close to home. I was about to grab towards a phone - any phone - when I realized I couldn't phone up the Carlins to ensure Glen was okay. Not only were there no phones lying around, but I wasn't able to phone.

Reality hit me hard. I wondered if I even still had a beating heart that could stop at shocking news like this. I wondered if it could break, if I'd feel the immense pain humans did if someone else close to me got hurt.

I watched with burning intensity as the reporter continued to explain what had happened.

"Officer Sebastian Ford is survived by his high-school sweetheart of five years, his parents, and younger brother."

Despite the temporary relief that Glen was unharmed, it still saddened me to learn that a fellow police officer had lost his life. He was so young and had his entire life ahead of him. Had. Just like Sasha, he was taken too soon.

"Wow… that's terrible…" Sasha murmured beside me.

I couldn't meet her gaze, afraid of the resentment and sadness I'd see. It was heartbreaking how the value of life had reduced to nothing to humankind.

"Breaking news… reports are coming in that the wife of Sean Miller, deceased attorney who had been killed in the state versus Polit-Enterprises massacre last year, had been reported missing. Police are investigating and treating her disappearance as a kidnapping. This draws a disturbing picture of Mayor Dan Miller's presence in all these seemingly related cases, and his ability to lead and offer protection to the citizens of Los Angeles. Updates on the kidnapping case to follow soon."

I may have wondered about ghosts having a pulse, but I was positive right now that something in me stopped. If I was breathing, it became erratic. My ghostly hands were visibly shaking.

"Sean-"

I could hear Sasha speaking, but it wasn't really registering. All I could think of was my baby girl and Kevin, my now five year old son. Where were they? Who was looking after them? And what happened to Danielle?

I could feel her hand on my shoulder - oddly considering we were ghosts - and when I finally turned to face Sasha and looked into her eyes, we both knew.

She looked apologetic but I could see the worry in her eyes.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered. "We need to tell Ashley. She can fix this. She has to."

In that moment, I found the clarity I so desperately needed right now.

I didn't care about Ashley and Kelly's constant bickering. I didn't care that Kelly had to go to spare us our sanity. I didn't care that Ashley had to get rid of her in order to save a life.

I just didn't care.

I wanted my wife back. I needed to know that my children were safe.

And I wanted justice. I wanted Dan Miller gone.

Ashley owed me that much.


Not Afraid – Eminem