Here it is, one more chapter. Stay with me. I just love Captain Jack Harkness episode, it was the first one I ever seen from Who universe so it's special for me, and I think it's defining for Jack.
Thank you for new subscriptions, that's how I know you like it, but be kind and enter few words when you click on that button. On this point it would be nice to get some encouragement. This last two chapters came from pure excitment about my new beta's and pm's. So thank you.
Beta-ed: TattooedLibrarian
Spoiler alert: Captain Jack Harkness, Empty Child
Jack was so amused when he entered 1941. It was so familiar and he thought he would never see it again. He was long past the time when he was upset about changing the place and time in an instant. He left that emotion at the time academy. They trained that out of them. Maybe it was some necessary condition for Time Agents to be thrilled with the change and the challenge. It was fun and almost safe experience for him. The place didn't change, and he'd been there before, he knew the rules, and he did have fun in this era, twice. He had to recollect where exactly the other two of his younger selves were. The dangerous rogue that hasn't yet met the Doctor roamed the London streets. That brought smile on his face, man was that younger him careless. He was stranded here by accident following the freighter, but he wasn't the one to miss out the fun. The Torchwood field agent was snooping around, but he hadn't been in this place before, of that he was sure. He'd be safe from him inside.
He wasn't worried about returning, if nothing he could walk back. It would be a drag to avoid himself all the time, and to do it all again a bit differently, but he could do that. Tosh on the other hand didn't have that luxury. If he stayed would he dare to go see the Doctor? He didn't first time around, so he knew he couldn't resist.
It was beautiful to see all the people dancing and talking, dresses, uniforms and the smoke. Smell of fear, adrenalin and life was all around. He felt young and careless, playful. Then he turned around and smiled. Really it was nice smile, and he was hot and tall, dark and shy, all he liked in a man. Then he said his name and all the fun was drained out of him.
"Captain Jack Harkness" he said and all went to silence. He couldn't take his eyes of him, the real him, the ghost he was always trying to be.
He tried to get away from Jack but he followed him like he knew he stole him away. He was off balance with Jack because he wasn't Jack Harkness anymore, not for him; he could never act like himself in front of him. 'James Harper' was the first surrogate name that occurred to him, and it was so strange to carry it. Maybe it was even worse that he was instantly attracted to the man, even before he knew his name. It was so ironic that real Jack was off grid man too. He could read his desires so easily, but it wasn't easy to pick up the original version of himself. Maybe it was best to keep the distance but he couldn't do that, not really. He was drawn to the man, fascinated by his moves and expressions. He really was a full flesh and blood hero, humble and unwilling to admit his actions. The thing that moved false Jack's soul was his melancholy. He could drown in that feeling, play it like instrument until it gets into laughter that was locked away in there somewhere, but he can't. Can he? Real Jack said that tomorrow is the last day of training, which makes it the day he dies, and day after that the new Jack emerges in London to enjoy sights of the city and to try out new bodies and places. Now he knows the real Jack would never do that.
How vain he had been to choose his identity; to play the hero when all he was was a conman. He choose this identity with such care, they trained him that it was crucial to fit in new environment, to avoid all sorts of trouble. The best way to avoid unnecessary problems was to take an identity that was highly valued in that time and space, but not too high. Too high could bring all sorts identifications and obligations. In this time and space being captain who was also a war hero, not big hero, just a small one, was a ticket to any bar, party or club. At the same time it didn't include big decision making, and he wasn't required to be at some crucial spots, big people of this time didn't know faces of their captains. Their faces were important only to their men. So it was convenient to be injured war hero captain on leave. Nobody would question that cover, or felt the need to check his background, that would just be rude. And his charming behaviour was welcomed with much more sympathy then it would have if he had played a regular soldier, which anyone would felt obligated to ask where he should be and report him, or if he was brigadier of whom it would be expected to behave.
When he determined that he went in search for right kind of captain, someone whose face wouldn't be well known at the town, and who is conveniently dead so their paths wouldn't cross. When he found captain Jack Harkness he virtually fell in love. He was kind of man that he had wanted to be if his life didn't toss him around. Reading how his men spoke of him was so surreal, he wanted for someone to think of him like that. He knew it was impossible, with his current path of a conman and rogue. Nothing of the once great Time Agent with a future was left. The Agency was disappointed in him, and he was disillusioned about life and justice. But if he couldn't be such hero, he could took a role of one and see how it feels.
He jumped in right after the captain's unseen burning departure at sea and reported himself in London. Far enough so that files wouldn't be updated and he could go unnoticed. It gave him enough time to acclimate himself to the new environment and to have fun so he could be in a good position before Time Agents that were chasing him caught up. He parked his ship in a place easy to remember and out of the way oncoming bombs.
He enjoyed that identity so much that he couldn't give it up afterwards. The respect and affection that came with it was all so soothing. Another thing was that the Doctor knew him by that name, and for the Doctor he really was that man, a man who cared, who fought, and who sacrificed himself for others. He wasn't sure he would have done all that under different name, so he carried on in all sorts of places where captains were and valued, even where there weren't any captains or armies. He wasn't really bothered by not fitting in, not anymore, he wanted to be spotted, to be found, and rescued from his persistent surviving.
Tosh was her brilliant self and she found a way to solve their problem. She didn't need him as usual and that left him at real captain's disposal. The real Captain didn't have intention to give up on him so easily. Under those careful manners was determination and focus that made him a hero of the sky. On his second time around as Captain Jack Harkness, he did fly a plane and engage in this war. Of course he waited for the real Captain to make his rounds before he stepped in. It wasn't easy task to do, but after that he felt more like captain he was posing to be.
Captain Jack bit his lip hiding some losses and defeats in front of his men, visibly suffering while George praised him. He even got up to get away from it. False Jack recognised the guilt; it came often in his direction.
When that blonde woman, Nancy, stepped in he felt such fondness for her. She was so timid and scared, so worried for Jack. He felt warm just watching her as her warmth was moving. She obviously had feelings for Jack, real feelings, false Jack knew how to recognise those too; they rarely came his way. It was really disappointing when Jack let her go without even kiss goodbye. It was just cruel to let her go like that. He had to tell him to go for it, to at least kiss the girl before he died. How unexpectedly silly people were; Jack got angry because she fell for him. Like that wasn't obvious turn of events. Women didn't know how to take someone's attention without turning it into love affair.
This time he chased after real Jack, he forced him to open up. Of course there was pain barely hidden by that melancholy. Real Jack wanted to hit him with his pain, but that was nothing compaired to the sea of pain false Jack carried around. As a response to the pain from Jack emerged his old pain that never loosen its grip on him. Emerak, his best friend whom he persuaded to go off to war with him and who died because of that, he never stopped haunting. During his guilt powered search for Gray he had been side tracked so many times and there was so much other guilt sometimes he couldn't find Gray in there. So many loses. And now Captain Jack Harkness would be among them, he would have face, and would be missed.
"He hadn't lived." Said false Jack about Emerak, the one thing he could never accept.
"Have any of us?" Answered Jack about himself and false Jack stepped forward without thinking, he was drawn by his open eyes and lips, his pleading look, but Jack turned away and went downstairs. This time he let him go. He couldn't forget when he was. Two men kissing on the stairs wasn't common sight, far from that. He forgot how uncomfortable the 21st century was. Luxuries of the 51st century were like a far dream he dreamt once upon a time.
Of course real Jack found him again in the cellar like heat navigated rocket would. He was ready to give in, but false Jack kept his distance, he couldn't risk his trained moves to not get him and Toshiko in trouble, and real Jack with his wounded heart was too close to Jack's hidden heart that couldn't bear another loss. He had gotten so good at keeping balanced distance from those around him; he danced around so he could get that necessary closeness of other beings, but not to entangle himself too deep. He had trouble in mourning; it was like his sorrows multiplied themselves in time instead of decreasing. But trouble with real Jack was that he was already inside his shield, in fact he was that shield.
He sat across the table from him looking at the singer when real Jack started his inquiry, trying to scope out some hope, and Jack, false and wrong Jack almost gave him something. But he couldn't. The Bare naked hope in Jack's face, Jack that is going to die tomorrow, so he sends him to the one that loves him. Whatever his mind thinks about likes and dislikes, that woman loved him, and love was so rare and beautiful that it shouldn't be denied.
Jack would search for it if he thought could offer anything in return, anything other than constant disappointment. But as it was, there was no one for him. It was emptiness that his shield hid. He sought out a place to be alone and find his calmness again but Jack found him once again. He tried to be honest with him, but when Jack grabbed hold of his hand he was overwhelmed by emotions. This man, real Jack Harkness, was made to be loved and nothing less could be given to him. False Jack had no choice about that, just like Nancy hadn't.
When real Jack withdrew, faced with the world, false Jack was left drowned in sorrow. He just couldn't accept that such man was destined to die for no good reason and he is powerless to stop it, he stand by and watch it happen. That is what the Time Agency had given him with their device. They extrapolated him from time and gave him remote control to watch people's lives' in fast forward. It was very hard to connect to the people whose destiny you knew, whose death you saw.
Sadness for the beauty and warmth that was lit inside of Jack Harkness, the real person, that would be put out tomorrow, overpowered him. The older he got it was harder to accept all those deaths, lives that just went into darkness.
When he reached bottom of that sadness Jack came and took his hand guiding him to dance floor. He breathed in the life that was given to him and couldn't be thrown away, and he held that almost gone life to his chest. He ached for the man, for himself and all others. He couldn't protect him, but he could draw near that light that was still turned on.
Just when he pulled back to finally take kiss for which he craved all evening the crack in time was opening and he had to go, there was nothing for him here, just death and loss. Nevertheless it was so hard to let go of Jack and that aching need between them. He turned towards light of the future, but he couldn't be the man that goes like that. He knew it would hurt him inside but he had to kiss him goodbye. He took him in his arms and their hungry lips met. It was all that he needed, and all he could get. He gave into that kiss so much that he almost forgot to leave. He was shaking when he broke loose. It was like defying gravity when he turned and went away leaving him there to his destiny.
The last look at him was just too much, salute of the soldier that was going to his death. He went out and ran on the street to catch some air. There Gwen jumped on him embracing him in her arms, glad to see him. That was something, she did care for him, and other people here cared for him.
Back at the Hub there was a mess. Owen was wounded in the shoulder by none other than Ianto who tried to stop him from opening the rift. His office was turned upside down. The two men were so deep in their fight and pride that they barely welcomed them. Owen had immediately started to boss Tosh around like she hadn't just been in a heck of situation. Apparently he and Ianto had gotten into little power struggle and he had to heal his wounded ego. Gwen obviously sided to Ianto rather than Owen, that wasn't surprising considering the current state of Owen's mind. Ianto sat in his chair upright and without his coat, he was clearly distressed by whole situation but he tried to keep his dignity intact.
Jack picked it up like it was background noise, he wasn't back really. Real Jack was a long time dead but it still felt like it would happen tomorrow. He wondered how he had spent his last hours, what had he felt when he went down. After he locked his vault Jack took out small replica of the plane he flew in 1942, when he served like Captain Jack in that same war. He walked Gwen out and watched her leave for home.
Afterwards Tosh stood in his office telling him Jack would have proud that he took his name. Maybe, maybe he would, but it wasn't really comforting that he would never know for sure.
